April 3, 2025 • 35 mins
We’re back with another round of Dear Banya, but not before the foreplay!
Do you need a spark with your partner like Becca and Tanya have with theirs? How do you keep your Modern Woman Energy when moving in with your partner? And what happens when your twin comes between you and your relationship?
Plus, we get an update on Becca’s proposal planning!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap An iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
Scarub a dub dub and the tub tub Tub.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
We have a Dear Banya episode today that we do
so without further any life.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Oh, I mean she gets right into business. No foreplay?
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Why why do you need it? I love four play?
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Wait?
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Can I talk about the funny thing that you said
when we were after the wedding?
Speaker 1 (00:46):
What did I say?
Speaker 3 (00:47):
We were walking back.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
And uh someone I think Uni was with us, and
she goes, uh. Tanya like, what's the first thing y'all
are going to do as a married couple? And Robbie
said him like, I don't know, a blowjob or something
a ton and goes ugh.
Speaker 3 (01:02):
I think that was more of a fiance thing.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Right because I was on my period. I don't like
to have sex in my periods. I like, not that
I'm a wife, she's not.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
I got what I needed chicken on.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Special holidays only.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Yeah, that it was very funny. No, but like you
were saying how you wanted to plan a proposal?
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Oh my god, any headway on that Monday?
Speaker 4 (01:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (01:36):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (01:37):
Uh no, no updates, but thank you so much for
the encouragement and knowing that if I want to do
I could do it, you know.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
Yeah, but like it's just like so nice to bounce
ideas off of your friends.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
The thing is is that like we are we like,
we'll see you different rings and I'll be like, oh,
like because Hailey's so she has cool, unique style, so
I feel like her ring. I'm not going to be
to just get her like any old ring.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
I don't have to find.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Something that, yeah, something cool that is unique but can
stand the test of time, you know, so we I
do find both of us doing that more so like
oh do you like this?
Speaker 3 (02:13):
Like do you like this? You know that type of thing. Oh,
speaking of On Gray's.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Anatomy, I was gonna ask you about this spoiler alert
when Link proposes to Joe. Oh my gosh, even though
they were I thought they were married, so I was
shocked about the proposal. Anyways, she goes, he doesn't really,
I mean, it was cute, but you know, fine, they
were just like living yeah, yeah, yeah, which is fine.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
I love I love a simple, simple moment.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
But she he grabs the ring box and she goes
to open it and it's empty and he was like, oh,
I thought it'd be better if maybe you it's probably
better if you pick one out. And I was like.
Speaker 4 (02:53):
The reason they said, based on your history, Like there's
a story that I don't remember.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Yeah maybe still anyway, I was like, day, not even
like a fake placeholder?
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Yeah, like an amazon, my dude, my three I was
so good. Yeah, so oh I hate him.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
I don't feel that passionately about it. But I was like,
I don't think I like this.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
I like the sentiment of someone getting to choose what
they want, if that's important to them, so that they
have the ring of their choice.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
I just want you to know, like if you need,
like if you need a girl on the ground, boots
on the ground for your proposal, like if you need
like broad everywhere, like flowers anywhere, like I am your girl.
I am put me in coach.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
Yeah it probably won't be here.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Ah, that does make it tricky, yeah for me to take.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
If your if your schedule's open and I can find
you somewhere where we are, then I'll keep that in mind.
Speaker 3 (03:54):
What will you do?
Speaker 2 (03:55):
What's gonna be a reaction when I just FaceTime you
one day?
Speaker 1 (03:59):
It's gonna be tough because I'm gonna be excited for you,
obviously that I'm gonna be sad if you didn't tell
me that was coming. Oh, I already warned you about
that months ago. Yeah, you were, So you're really just
not going to You're just gonna do it.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
That's a secret I'll never tell.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Or are you gonna tell some friends and just not me?
Speaker 3 (04:18):
No, if I told anyone, you would obviously be someone that.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
I would tell you and ask her parents.
Speaker 3 (04:24):
I probably will. I think they'll be like, really, you
don't have to ask, but I.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Will, so they'll know.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
They'll know that it's coming, but I'm not going to
tell them any details.
Speaker 4 (04:35):
Is there any chance she would beat you to the punch.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
I don't think so. Okay, I don't think so.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
If she did, that would be like the ultimate surprise,
because I don't I would. I wouldn't think so. So,
But yeah, if I were to, if I were to
tell people, you would definitely be someone I would tell.
But my goal would be to tell nobody.
Speaker 4 (04:57):
M Eastern and I are going to pretend that we
knew an advance. It's just a mess with you. So
I'm gonna telegraph that joke, right now I have all.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
My like white stuff to like gift you.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
Oh, I'll probably.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
Get drown, I know. I'm like, I have so much
stuff in our office of just like things that I've
collected over the year, you know, like just like from
my brache party, like all the different yeah whatever, and
I'm like, I want to gift them to somebody. I
don't want to ask.
Speaker 3 (05:23):
It's brides to be in the scrumming in group.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
And then you should do a box.
Speaker 3 (05:26):
That'd be so nice.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Yeah, like with a couple of tiuras.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
Some of your merch from your wedding in there. People.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
I posted the hat the other day and someone's like,
how much for that hat?
Speaker 3 (05:36):
I'm like, let's play a little game. How much you
got on you? I'll got any extra of those?
Speaker 2 (05:43):
I love the hat or the one I love the
green one, other them both, but the green one just
like goes with everything.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
Yeah, I'm so sad it's over.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Yeah wait, but you posted some prenatal vitamins the other
day and then said any wreck So where were.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
My sister in law text? I mean she was like
the juxtaposition of your mini moons straight into prenatal pills
was like a little jarring for me.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Hallie goes out Tanya's pregnancy content has begun. She was like,
you might have to meet both of us and I
was like, no, you know, support got to support my
girls on their journeys. And I was like, but it
is a formula. It's like dating engaged content, wedding planning content,
wedding content, honeymoon content, preparing to have a baby content,
(06:33):
pregnancy content, baby content.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Well, I mean it's just like life.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
I know.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Yeah, it's just like that's just like my life the past.
Speaker 3 (06:44):
But it's like two years, it's one after the next,
you know.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
And it's like the reason why I posted the prenatle
is because, to be honest, there's so much information out
there that it is like actually jarring. And I've been
wanting to start taking prenatles because everybody says to start
taking them before you start trying to conceive. And I
was like, I should probably start taking them now.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
You're supposed to take them before you're even.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Trying, yes, like, because you want to get like the right. Again,
I'm not a doctor, so take this for what it's worth.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
This is not a medical This is not a medical.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Podcast, and I'm not like telling you, but you want
to get like the right amount of full late and
the right amount of like vitamin D and like all
of these things in your system before and then like
it's just so overwhelming the amount of stuff. So I
got these these prenatals and I posted them to see,
like because I have some dieticians that follow me and stuff,
so I want I really just wanted people's opinions on
(07:36):
which prenatals are the best. And I got so much
info and I'm like, what.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
Is that more jarring when you get when you ask
and then get way more info.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
I trust the people that I trust, do you know
what I mean? So I like getting information from people
that I trust versus like the world Wide Web.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
But there's specific people who if they respond, you're like,
oh yeah, instead of just directly reaching out to them,
you open it up.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
I don't know some of these people personally, and I
don't know, I don't remember there, but I like, I'll
know that they've messaged me in the past about stuff.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
So what's the So what's your plan with that? Or
is it still we're waiting till after the honeymoon or
on the honeymoon.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Oh, just start trying us around around that, around you went,
you went back and forth.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
Yeah your plans.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Yeah, around then. But I'm going to start taking the
pills now. I already started yesterday.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Good for you, right, like it's just good stuff for you. Yeah,
I might start taking them.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
It's gonna make my hair amazing.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
See what happens up.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
I think it's bully not a medical podcast. Yeah, and
again take with a grain of salt.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Well, let's get right to it. Enough for play. I
enjoyed them.
Speaker 4 (08:46):
Thank you, crazy g Hello to my podcast friends, Becca Easton, Marcan, Tanya.
I got nervous about the order, so I did in alphabetical. H.
I want to say I'm incredibly gratefully. I'm for one
of you and this beautiful show. You all have made
a way. I feel like we've all grown up together
throughout these last eight years, even though we've never met.
Thank you for the vulnerability, the honesty, the laughter and
(09:07):
love each one of you bring. You all make the
world a better place, and I feel lucky and blessed
to be a scrubber. Second, I just finished watching Jonas
Khan and almost burst into tears. I was so happy
to see Tanya's face pop up Hey. The whole time
she's on my screen, I just kept thinking, oh mg,
she is such a cool girl.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
Wow wow, I've never seen those words before, talk about
grace under pressure.
Speaker 4 (09:27):
Technical difficulties were no match for you, Tanya. You guided
those fan questions like a seasoned pro. What an amazing
job you did. As someone who deals with constant anxiety
doing even the simplest things. I could never imagine doing
what you all do on a regular basis.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
I appreciate her saying that because there were so many
technical issues, and like they were talking back to me
and I couldn't hear them, so I was just like,
like it was like crazy, oh so like I could
only hear me and the fan, but then they would
like react to something we said and I couldn't hear it.
Speaker 5 (09:57):
So so her question is how do you block out
your anxiety and do the thing what helps you when
you feel nervous, and how do you get through it?
Speaker 4 (10:08):
Love you so much, thanks for being enjoying in my
life for so many years. Congratulations Robbie and Tanya. May
your love and commitment for each other grow deeper and
beautiful with each passing day. Tracy G.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Yeah, that is really sweet since she was talking about
what you were doing. How do you if you get
anxious or like overwhelmed or things go wrong, what do
you do?
Speaker 1 (10:28):
It's interesting because I feel like I do get that,
like I in this case in particular, like there was
also another like malfunction, like the something in the intro,
like the audience couldn't hear me and I was just
speaking to nobody, but I needed them to react, So
it was just like kind of a mess. But in
my mind, I'm like, nobody notices. Nobody notices when you
(10:48):
do something wrong because they don't know what it's supposed
to be like, So it's just in my mind, I'm like,
whatever I did the best that I could. I think
in my mind, I always just do the best that
I can, And like, you can't change the outcome. If
something gets messed up, it gets messed up, and then
you just have to just like kind of goes in
and goes out onto the next You can't fixate. I
feel like with anxiety, it's like you fixating on things
(11:10):
I saw.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
I recently saw this TikToker, and I wish I knew
his name, but he has a really strong stammer stutter
and he forces himself to go into public spaces or
like he'll go on a hike, and he makes himself
stop people to say hello so he can practice speaking
to people while he's nervous. And I was like, wow,
(11:32):
that is such a brave thing to do because he
knows that he might run into someone who's not as
like patient or kind. And luckily a lot of the
people that stop and talk to him are so wonderful
and lovely.
Speaker 3 (11:45):
But I was like, wow, this is such.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
A testament of being able to do things scared, because
everything that we stop ourselves from doing is just us
holding back from getting better because of fear. And I
remember thinking, even like as significant as like me coming
out publicly, I remember the fear of like, oh my gosh,
but what if? There was so much anxiety about like
(12:08):
what if people are mean? What if they have a
negative reaction? But instead of letting that win, I did
it scared and it was like the best possible outcome.
But I also think even if it had been bad,
it would have felt so good just to have gotten
over that hump, you know what I'm saying. And so
I think, like doing something even though it feels scary,
and there's anxiety and fear around it. I think is
(12:31):
such an accomplishment in itself, regardless of the outcome of
what happens.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Yeah, that's a quote.
Speaker 4 (12:36):
If you can't beat fear, just do it scared. Yeah,
And I think that's what a lot of us do
in a lot of situations. We're like, oh, I'm not
sure this is going to go very well. You just
do it scared. And like I always say, my favorite
quote is being brave and pretending to be brave are
the exact same thing. You just got to do it.
You've got to get through it. However, you can get
through it. And there's also a certain confidence that comes
(12:56):
with Tanya or somebody's been on stage a lot over
the years. There's a certain feeling of it. It can
only go so wrong, right.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Then so wrong?
Speaker 4 (13:07):
Yeah, and you survived that. Yeah it was okay. But
they're not going to throw things at you. You're not
going to suddenly be naked up there, like there's there
are limits to how awful that can get.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
Yeah, right, And the thing I will say is that
people like, let's say something went wrong to Taniel on stage,
people in that moment will be like, oh, shoot, like
there was a something went wrong and then that's it.
They probably didn't think about it again ever again, So
you have to remember that something that probably feels so
big to you. In the best way I can say
that people don't care like they're only worried about themselves.
(13:37):
That's because they're on their own head.
Speaker 4 (13:39):
That's true, and outside of that, that's true. When you're
walking to the store, like everyone's worried about how they're
going to be seen or perceived. Nobody cares about you.
They care about themselves. They're freaked out about exactly, So
don't worry about it, all right, Anonymous. I've been listening
to your podcast since Becka disclosed your relationship with Haley.
(14:00):
I loved her authenticity and her truth, and ever since
I've been hooked and listening to Tanya and Becca has
felt like being amongst friends. I loved listening to Tanya's
story with the excitement she felt when she first met Robbie. Lately,
in my dating life, though, I felt confused about what
I need to prioritize. Do I need to see if
I have a spark with someone or should I give
the guy a chance to let the spark build up?
(14:20):
I've been seeing a guy for almost four months now,
and while I really enjoy his company and feel that
he hits a lot of check marks, I don't feel
that spark in chemistry with him that Becka and Tany
describe when they felt that they felt with their respective partners.
Should I hold out for the chemistry or settle down
with someone I considered to be a good person and
who is consistent. The last time I felt that spark,
it ended up being a very volatile relationship and he
(14:42):
broke my heart, but it was the only time I
ever felt like I was actually in love.
Speaker 3 (14:47):
M Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
I think sometimes people mistake butterfly like get anxiety or
like a warning sign. They mistake that feeling as that
guy feeling that is actually a warning signs butterflies, and
so they're like, oh, I feel like this rush of excitement,
but it's not the right type of rush of excitement.
You know. My personal theory on this, and there's so
(15:15):
many people that disagree because I don't think ever. I
think people have had long, successful relationships without having an
initial spark and it grew over time. But my thing is,
there's so many people in the world and you have
such limited time here on earth? Why would you settle
without exploring? You know, Like, I'm also one of those
(15:37):
people like the grass isn't greener, you know, it's not
always greener on the other side. But I'm also like,
why limit yourself to settling if you haven't explored? So,
you know, does this make sense? Or do y'all disagree
with me? Because I'm trying to figure out. I understand
if you have something good not just immediately saying goodbye,
but you've given it four months, like you.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
But I also think just because you had a bad
experience with someone that you had a spark what initially
with doesn't mean that like a spark equals volatile relationship,
do you know what I mean? I would personally save
out for the spark.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Same like, yeah, it does sound like there's something missing here,
whether it's the spark.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
People say like, oh, he grew on me or like
he grew on me, and I'm like, but did he?
Or are you settling in like a roommate that's like cool?
Speaker 3 (16:27):
Yeah, yeah, you need to ask yourself the questions. Is
he kind? Do you feel your safest sharing with him?
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Do you see him being a great parent to your kids,
And there was one other one.
Speaker 3 (16:43):
Are you your best self already?
Speaker 2 (16:45):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Uh? Are you?
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (16:48):
Are you your best self? Are you the best version
of yourself? With him?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Thank you?
Speaker 3 (16:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (16:52):
She describes him as a good person. He's consistent, He
checks a lot of boxes. I really enjoy his coming.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
You know, it's consistent. Almond milk.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
Consistently bland, but.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
It's consistent, Like that's not you.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Are you?
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Are you?
Speaker 2 (17:14):
What are you?
Speaker 3 (17:15):
Are you trying to tell her to stay or go?
Speaker 1 (17:16):
That's a go. I'm trying to tell her to go.
Speaker 4 (17:19):
I'm trying to behind and go for extend the metaphor.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
The topping was really beautiful, Thank you.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Why would you settle for almond milk when there's froyo
with toppings, all.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
The toppings you want? You want peanut butter one day,
you got it, sprinkles the next day, chocolate sauce.
Speaker 4 (17:41):
Rob is all the toppings.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Oh my god. My first initial meeting him, I wanted
to my vagina tingle, which is key.
Speaker 4 (17:51):
Yeah, I think her tingling.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
It seems stagnant. She is tingle less, tingle less.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
And here's the thing he can be. He can be
a good guy. He can check all the boxes and
still not be your guy.
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Yes, and that's okay, he will make somebody else's vagina table.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Yes.
Speaker 4 (18:10):
Is that how low the bar is for men? That
it was just just like a lack of hostile like
he's not mean to her? Is that the only thing wild.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Does get low at times?
Speaker 3 (18:19):
And here's the thing.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
I imagine that if you had a volatile relationship, that
having someone consistent and good.
Speaker 3 (18:24):
Feels very safe.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
But I also think there's something better for you out there, Anonymous.
I do too, So go for the froyo, all the
toppings you deserve it.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Yeah, every taste is the toppings.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Okay, I'm gonna let Tanya settle down while we take
a break and we'll be right back.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
Okay, We're back there in our next in our next sea.
Someone said, how do I keep.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
My WM MWe while moving in together? And during the break,
Mark goes, what is MWe? And time we both go
modern woman energy and Tania.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Goes, ugh, such a male.
Speaker 3 (19:24):
Anyways, from Brittany.
Speaker 4 (19:25):
For Brittany, dear Tanya, Becca Easton and Mark, lots of
different permutations in the order. First of all, thank you
for the positive energy you bring to the world through
this podcast like forward listening. Every week, I'm reaching out
for advice on how to bring modern woman energy into
the next phase of my life. About a year ago,
after finishing calling in the one Thank You Tanya by
the Way, I looked it up eight bucks on Amazon,
(19:47):
I met the love of my life again same time
and decided I want to try living outside of California.
So I made plans to movie with my best friend
in Seattle. Although we'd only been dating a couple of months,
we decided to continue our relation ship when I moved.
Fast forward to now, I'm in the relationship I've always
dreamed of. This man is the most thoughtful man I've
ever met. He's showed me what it feels like to
(20:07):
have a true partner. I've also had an incredible year
in Seattle, making new friends, exploring new places, and feeling
happy to have made such a big life change all
on my own. We are not planning to move in together,
and we're talking about getting engaged later this year. For
working family reasons, it makes sense for us to move
in together in San Diego. I always envisioned myself moving
back to California eventually, and I'm excited to take that
(20:27):
next step. I'm also sad I'm about to leave a
city I love so much and it feels like it's
all my own. I'm grieving a bit of independence, so
that take a step toward combining our lives. What advice
do you have about feeling both excited and sad about
taking such a big relationship step and how to continue
bringing the modern woman energy into a partnership. Thank you
for all you do.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
I think the biggest breakthrough that I ever learned in
therapy was that two emotions can exist at the same time,
So like, you can be so excited and looking forward
to this next phase of your life, but also a
little bit sad and grieving a part of you that's
no longer there, you know what I mean, Like those
two things can exist at the same time, and I
(21:08):
feel like tim for me, that was so groundbreaking when
I learned that, Like I was like, oh my gosh,
Like every it just makes so much sense because you
can feel multiple things at the same time. And I
think that, yeah, you do lose like when you move
into with someone, you do lose a bit of independence,
but you don't lose all of it, Like you can
still have your modern woman energy, and you can still
(21:29):
have independence while living with somebody, but it is a
huge shift and a huge change. So like you let
yourself grieve that and more in that and be sad
about that, but like, don't let that feeling overtake the
happiness and the joy and the excitement that you're feeling
as well.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
It's really good advice.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Wow, thank you, because I felt the same way. Yeah,
I felt the exact same way. Like I was, like
I was so excited and overjoyed for that next step
in season of my life. But also I want to
say mourning, but feeling like nostalgic or like sad that
I was leaving kind of like my my girlhood pad,
you know, like my apartment that was my own and
I could sit on the couch and Postmates breakfast, lunch,
(22:07):
and dinner and watch Gilmore Girls all day. Like I
don't know a lot of time I've ever I've done that,
you know, Like I live in a home with three
boys and a dog, you know, so like my life
is different, but so I feel like having space for
both is like totally fine.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
I also part of me understands because it's two really
big things at once. It's moving back to it's leaving
a city that you've had such a wonderful time in
and moving in with someone that you've been dating, but
like y'all haven't lived together yet, so there's this merging
of your life that's also brand new. Part of me
(22:40):
is like, does she move down to San Diego and
they live in the same city while they're dating and
do that before they move in together? Or does it
feel like you know what I'm saying, like so much
in one step?
Speaker 4 (22:56):
What I was thinking was what if there's a third
option that that sociatle hers and San Diego is his?
Or was what if there's a third option that can
be that that can belong to the two of you.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
Oh, like, they move somewhere together.
Speaker 4 (23:08):
Yeah, and maybe it's not even far away. Maybe it's
in the southern California area. It just slate's up in
Fountain Valley or someplace you haven't explored before. Because you
can have that way, it's a space that is your
own for the two of you.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
I don't love that. I don't feel like she doesn't
like San Diego. Yeah, I feel like she likes San Diego.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
I would just say, since it just feels like they
haven't dated living in the same city. So I feel like,
first of all, you're you're moving from somewhere that you loved,
you're leaving your independence, and then you're moving straight in
with a guy for the first time.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
I get though, I would feel very overwhelmed.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Yeah, you know, so I'm like, maybe you have a
roommate situation for like six months and you'll just at
least date in the same city.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
You stay over there kind of learn how each other.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Like I remember I used to I like I have
a thing with hair, Like I just don't like like
black hair, and like now like like not on people's heads,
like just like no, like like I don't know. It's
like yeah, like what I would say, like I don't know,
like just just a hair dark hair. Yeah, And like
(24:16):
Robbie has to shave his beard like every day and
so there's always like there was always hair everywhere, and
I always found that to be like so like uh
until him and then I was like I don't care
his his beard hair is like everywhere, and I'm like.
Speaker 3 (24:30):
A collection of it.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
I look at it when he's gone for too long. Yeah,
but it's like I get it because like those things like,
I get it, Like moving in with someone is like
very jarring. It's very jarring.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
But that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
If she'sually a boy, if they if they got to
live in the same city and she had her own
space and still hers and he had his space, but
then they got to stay together, so they learned each
other's habits. Because when Haley moved in with me officially,
it was more like what are we doing with both
of our stuff? Like it was more stuff, there was
more stuff, but like we knew exactly how each of
(25:07):
us live, We knew our habits, we knew everything, so
there was no shock factor. If anything, it just made
it so much easier that we lived in one space.
And I was like, why didn't we do this sooner?
But I I understand your feelings, and I think Tanya's
advice is so right, like you can experience two feelings
at the same time, and also you know, move at
(25:29):
the pace that you want to move.
Speaker 4 (25:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Yeah, And congrats on calling in the one Oh my God,
music to my ears.
Speaker 4 (25:37):
This is anonymous, and this is a pretty amazing way
of how she found the podcast. Hi Becka, Tanya Mark
Ron Easton. I discovered the pod in twenty nineteen when
I was recovering from a severe concussion and couldn't spend
time on screens, so I turned to podcasts. All these
years later, your pod is the one I still listen
to every week. Wow.
Speaker 3 (25:54):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (25:55):
Through the years, I've grown to know you all and
I've been rooting for your successes along the way. Thank
you for knowingly helping me through a brutal concussion recovery
process and giving real life advice that I value. Also, Tanya,
thank you for mentioning the song Butterflies by Casey Muskraves.
It led to me becoming a huge fan, and Casey's
music also helped me with my recovery. I've listened to
so many Bondie episodes and now I need advice. I'm
(26:16):
from Toronto, twenty four single, and they need change. I've
lived at home with my parents since the injury and
I'm feeling very limited. Moving out right now is not
an option financially, So how do you build space to
make a life of your own well living with your parents?
I appreciate you guys so much. Conngrast the Tani and
Robbie on their wedding m.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
I feel like it's I really think you the first thing,
which I don't know if you've done this or like
where your relationship is with your parents, but having a
conversation with your parents acknowledging where you're at emotionally and
how you want you know that like moving out isn't
financially an option, but you want to feel like you
have independence while living with them, and seeing if just
(26:59):
making sure that that line of communication is open, because
I think sometimes when you live with your parents, they
still feel like they're like taking care of you, and
they they have to almost like helicopter parent you, even
though you're a full, fully grown adult and you I
think you just need to have that conversation first of
acknowledging where you're at and that you're ready to have
(27:19):
some independence and even though you're living with them.
Speaker 3 (27:24):
I also think doing.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Activities by yourself, like things that get you out of
the house are gonna be your best bet in terms
of feeling independent.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
Yeah, I don't know, Like I don't know what your
situation is, but I remember when I had to move
back home because I couldn't afford to live in LA.
So I was driving from Orange County to LA to
work and everything like that. But I was making friends
that lived in LA, so I would like pack a
bag and on Fridays, I would like stay up at
like a friend's apartment for the weekend, and like I
started to build my life in LA without actually like
(27:58):
living here, and I would just like stay with friend
friends and make connections and do like work functions and
things like that. So maybe if you could make some
friends I don't know Toronto that well, but like in
the city or don't, I don't know, make friends and
like spend the weekends out kind of building your life
in that way.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
I was even going to say, maybe like once a
month you go and have a stay at like a
hotel or do something with a friend where you feel
like you're doing something separate from your parents. Yeah, but
I really think I think that's a good advice too,
because I did the same thing before I lived in LA.
I would come up and stay with friends and kind
of had established myself in LA before I even moved here.
(28:41):
But I think that's a good advice. And I think
it's when you start to feel better and feel more independent.
I think that you're naturally going to start making moves
to where you are in a place to move out
and get your own place. But we're rooting for you
and I'm glad your your health is getting better, that
you're even in a place where you're at asking us
for this advice, and we hope that it only gets better.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
Yeah, you got this?
Speaker 3 (29:06):
Oh? Is that my? Is it? Time for a break?
Speaker 4 (29:08):
For a break?
Speaker 3 (29:27):
All right?
Speaker 2 (29:27):
We are back with our final dear Bonia of the day.
Speaker 4 (29:31):
It's another anonymous Hello, Mark East and Tanya. Yeah, that's
why I wanted to.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
Read this one.
Speaker 4 (29:39):
I have a dilemma. I have an identical twin sister
who lives with me, and outside of a five month period,
we've lived under the same roof our entire lives. I've
always been the more independence and supportive twin, where she
relies on me mentally, emotionally, and financially. I have hit
my breaking point. I started seeing someone who lives close
to me, so safe to say. I invite her to
my house and I go to hers pretty often. It's new.
(30:00):
It's exciting, definitely the honeymoon phase. I've always wanted to
be near each other.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
Well.
Speaker 4 (30:04):
I traveled for work this week after being away from
my girlfriend. I was planning to spend the night at
her house. However, after letting my sister know I'd be
gone for the night, she flipped out started saying, I
always abandon her. I don't listen to her or her needs.
How I'm always ready to leave her when I find
a better option. I was still caught off guard that
detected my girlfriend to cancel last minute, even though it
was the last thing I wanted to do. Well, now
(30:26):
my girlfriend got upset. She's saying she can't continue to
see me if I'm always having to pick between her
and my sister. How can I said healthy boundaries with
my sister but also make sure she knows I'm always
there for her. I can't be a sister, friend, companion,
and bank for her all at once. I have sacrificed
a lot of myself for my twin, and I'm finally
seeing someone that I don't want to walk away from
(30:46):
without giving it a fair chance. Please help me.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
I mean, I think you tell your sisters, ye, I'm
gonna go see my girlfriend tonight. You can like go
watch Gilmore Girls and order some yummy postmaids. What are
you talking about?
Speaker 2 (31:02):
I think, as someone who was very reliant on her
friends during your single phase. I think we can have
a little more understanding for the sister.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
Yes, I was heavily needy. I never once would like
if you guys were doing something with your significant others
or this is like guilt trip galore. I hate guilt trip.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
I think that it's important to sit down a law.
I think it's important to sit down with your sister
and let her know that you love her so much
and you will always be there for her, but you
also cannot be everything to her like that is not
it's not healthy, it's not fair, and it's not one
person's responsibility to take on all of that for someone.
(31:47):
And I think it's just having a conversation of saying
I need to be able to have my own life
and my own journey, and that that doesn't mean that
I've abandoned you. Like I think your sister's very anxious, attached,
and it sounds like you're the only person who either
she feels safe enough to be that way with or
(32:07):
gives in to her, so.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
She takes advantage of it like that, it sounds like.
Speaker 2 (32:11):
She kind of takes advantage of your willingness to be
there for her. So I think you just need to say,
I'm really happy with this person and I really want
to explore this and I shouldn't have to choose between
the two of you, and I don't want it to
feel that way, because me spending time with someone that
I really care about is not me abandoning you. And
you're let her know like she's safe. You're not trying
(32:34):
to get rid of her. You just are an independent person.
You're an individual, and you deserve this.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
You can use beck as advice a little more tender.
Speaker 3 (32:48):
Well.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
I think it's like her sister's panicking. She's anxiously attached,
and she just needs to know that she's safe and
that her sister isn't leaving her.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
I think I'm triggered by this because of the guilt,
the guilt tripping. I feel like, I don't know why.
I feel like I was guilt tripped a lot like
in my life, and so when I see it in this,
it like makes me like retract.
Speaker 2 (33:09):
Yeah, but you're also you. You have in the past
been anxiously attached. So it's like that feeling of someone
not being there when you feel like you really need
them feels like abandonment, Like I've felt that before. We're like,
if Haley wasn't emotionally there, I'm like, you're abandoning me.
And she's like you're safe, like you're fine, and I
(33:31):
was like, okay, okay, you know, it's like just needing
that reassurance. And it's her sister, so it's like needing
to set that boundary because again, you're gonna go your
whole life with her, ruining other relationships even friendships that
you have with people, if she if you don't set
this boundary now.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
Yeah, look and also like look if your sister was
going through something and like really needed you that night
and your girlfriend got upset about it, but that's another story.
But the way you wrote it and the way this
is all I went down.
Speaker 2 (34:03):
Now and I was saying, like, you're doing her disservice
if you don't set this boundary because she's always only.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
Going to clean on you.
Speaker 3 (34:09):
Yeah, and she needs to find other resources of support.
Speaker 4 (34:14):
Like Becca, how would you feel if somebody was always
watching your location and trying to figure out where you
are and who you're with, and if you're having more
fun with them than you are with you know, that
sort of thing that would be that'd be a lot
to deal with.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
Yeah, and I would just gently say I love you
so much, and you're safe and you have my location,
so if you have any need to know where I am,
just check check that. And I can't wait to talk
to you later on if that were to happen to me.
Speaker 3 (34:42):
Right, and just because I'm having fun with.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
Someone else doesn't mean that that it's competition right, or
that we're not as good a friends anymore? Right, where
you're safe, doesn't love you, that's that's fyance, Tanya.
Speaker 3 (35:02):
Yeah, wife's Tanya doesn't know.
Speaker 4 (35:04):
I barely February.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
Yeah we are, Yeah, weavy bowl. Yes, I've barely heard
from myself. I haven't been home for more than forty second.
Speaker 3 (35:14):
Like, you're very settled and content. I have not, you
have been.
Speaker 1 (35:19):
I don't think I'm settled. Oh, I think I'm in
like a tornado.
Speaker 3 (35:23):
So when you're back from Houston, things over, yes, okay, okay,
I look forward to it. Yeah, that's all for now.
We'll be back. That's all, folks.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
We'll be back on Monday, Yes we will, and we
can't wait.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
Love you, love you so much. To be continued
Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap An iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
Scarub a dub dub and the tub tub Tub.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
We have a Dear Banya episode today that we do
so without further any life.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Oh, I mean she gets right into business. No foreplay?
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Why why do you need it? I love four play?
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Wait?
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Can I talk about the funny thing that you said
when we were after the wedding?
Speaker 1 (00:46):
What did I say?
Speaker 3 (00:47):
We were walking back.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
And uh someone I think Uni was with us, and
she goes, uh. Tanya like, what's the first thing y'all
are going to do as a married couple? And Robbie
said him like, I don't know, a blowjob or something
a ton and goes ugh.
Speaker 3 (01:02):
I think that was more of a fiance thing.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Right because I was on my period. I don't like
to have sex in my periods. I like, not that
I'm a wife, she's not.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
I got what I needed chicken on.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Special holidays only.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Yeah, that it was very funny. No, but like you
were saying how you wanted to plan a proposal?
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Oh my god, any headway on that Monday?
Speaker 4 (01:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (01:36):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (01:37):
Uh no, no updates, but thank you so much for
the encouragement and knowing that if I want to do
I could do it, you know.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
Yeah, but like it's just like so nice to bounce
ideas off of your friends.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
The thing is is that like we are we like,
we'll see you different rings and I'll be like, oh,
like because Hailey's so she has cool, unique style, so
I feel like her ring. I'm not going to be
to just get her like any old ring.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
I don't have to find.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Something that, yeah, something cool that is unique but can
stand the test of time, you know, so we I
do find both of us doing that more so like
oh do you like this?
Speaker 3 (02:13):
Like do you like this? You know that type of thing. Oh,
speaking of On Gray's.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Anatomy, I was gonna ask you about this spoiler alert
when Link proposes to Joe. Oh my gosh, even though
they were I thought they were married, so I was
shocked about the proposal. Anyways, she goes, he doesn't really,
I mean, it was cute, but you know, fine, they
were just like living yeah, yeah, yeah, which is fine.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
I love I love a simple, simple moment.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
But she he grabs the ring box and she goes
to open it and it's empty and he was like, oh,
I thought it'd be better if maybe you it's probably
better if you pick one out. And I was like.
Speaker 4 (02:53):
The reason they said, based on your history, Like there's
a story that I don't remember.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Yeah maybe still anyway, I was like, day, not even
like a fake placeholder?
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Yeah, like an amazon, my dude, my three I was
so good. Yeah, so oh I hate him.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
I don't feel that passionately about it. But I was like,
I don't think I like this.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
I like the sentiment of someone getting to choose what
they want, if that's important to them, so that they
have the ring of their choice.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
I just want you to know, like if you need,
like if you need a girl on the ground, boots
on the ground for your proposal, like if you need
like broad everywhere, like flowers anywhere, like I am your girl.
I am put me in coach.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
Yeah it probably won't be here.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Ah, that does make it tricky, yeah for me to take.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
If your if your schedule's open and I can find
you somewhere where we are, then I'll keep that in mind.
Speaker 3 (03:54):
What will you do?
Speaker 2 (03:55):
What's gonna be a reaction when I just FaceTime you
one day?
Speaker 1 (03:59):
It's gonna be tough because I'm gonna be excited for you,
obviously that I'm gonna be sad if you didn't tell
me that was coming. Oh, I already warned you about
that months ago. Yeah, you were, So you're really just
not going to You're just gonna do it.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
That's a secret I'll never tell.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Or are you gonna tell some friends and just not me?
Speaker 3 (04:18):
No, if I told anyone, you would obviously be someone that.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
I would tell you and ask her parents.
Speaker 3 (04:24):
I probably will. I think they'll be like, really, you
don't have to ask, but I.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Will, so they'll know.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
They'll know that it's coming, but I'm not going to
tell them any details.
Speaker 4 (04:35):
Is there any chance she would beat you to the punch.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
I don't think so. Okay, I don't think so.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
If she did, that would be like the ultimate surprise,
because I don't I would. I wouldn't think so. So,
But yeah, if I were to, if I were to
tell people, you would definitely be someone I would tell.
But my goal would be to tell nobody.
Speaker 4 (04:57):
M Eastern and I are going to pretend that we
knew an advance. It's just a mess with you. So
I'm gonna telegraph that joke, right now I have all.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
My like white stuff to like gift you.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
Oh, I'll probably.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
Get drown, I know. I'm like, I have so much
stuff in our office of just like things that I've
collected over the year, you know, like just like from
my brache party, like all the different yeah whatever, and
I'm like, I want to gift them to somebody. I
don't want to ask.
Speaker 3 (05:23):
It's brides to be in the scrumming in group.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
And then you should do a box.
Speaker 3 (05:26):
That'd be so nice.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Yeah, like with a couple of tiuras.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
Some of your merch from your wedding in there. People.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
I posted the hat the other day and someone's like,
how much for that hat?
Speaker 3 (05:36):
I'm like, let's play a little game. How much you
got on you? I'll got any extra of those?
Speaker 2 (05:43):
I love the hat or the one I love the
green one, other them both, but the green one just
like goes with everything.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
Yeah, I'm so sad it's over.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Yeah wait, but you posted some prenatal vitamins the other
day and then said any wreck So where were.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
My sister in law text? I mean she was like
the juxtaposition of your mini moons straight into prenatal pills
was like a little jarring for me.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Hallie goes out Tanya's pregnancy content has begun. She was like,
you might have to meet both of us and I
was like, no, you know, support got to support my
girls on their journeys. And I was like, but it
is a formula. It's like dating engaged content, wedding planning content,
wedding content, honeymoon content, preparing to have a baby content,
(06:33):
pregnancy content, baby content.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Well, I mean it's just like life.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
I know.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Yeah, it's just like that's just like my life the past.
Speaker 3 (06:44):
But it's like two years, it's one after the next,
you know.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
And it's like the reason why I posted the prenatle
is because, to be honest, there's so much information out
there that it is like actually jarring. And I've been
wanting to start taking prenatles because everybody says to start
taking them before you start trying to conceive. And I
was like, I should probably start taking them now.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
You're supposed to take them before you're even.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Trying, yes, like, because you want to get like the right. Again,
I'm not a doctor, so take this for what it's worth.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
This is not a medical This is not a medical.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Podcast, and I'm not like telling you, but you want
to get like the right amount of full late and
the right amount of like vitamin D and like all
of these things in your system before and then like
it's just so overwhelming the amount of stuff. So I
got these these prenatals and I posted them to see,
like because I have some dieticians that follow me and stuff,
so I want I really just wanted people's opinions on
(07:36):
which prenatals are the best. And I got so much
info and I'm like, what.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
Is that more jarring when you get when you ask
and then get way more info.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
I trust the people that I trust, do you know
what I mean? So I like getting information from people
that I trust versus like the world Wide Web.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
But there's specific people who if they respond, you're like,
oh yeah, instead of just directly reaching out to them,
you open it up.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
I don't know some of these people personally, and I
don't know, I don't remember there, but I like, I'll
know that they've messaged me in the past about stuff.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
So what's the So what's your plan with that? Or
is it still we're waiting till after the honeymoon or
on the honeymoon.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Oh, just start trying us around around that, around you went,
you went back and forth.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
Yeah your plans.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Yeah, around then. But I'm going to start taking the
pills now. I already started yesterday.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Good for you, right, like it's just good stuff for you. Yeah,
I might start taking them.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
It's gonna make my hair amazing.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
See what happens up.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
I think it's bully not a medical podcast. Yeah, and
again take with a grain of salt.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Well, let's get right to it. Enough for play. I
enjoyed them.
Speaker 4 (08:46):
Thank you, crazy g Hello to my podcast friends, Becca Easton, Marcan, Tanya.
I got nervous about the order, so I did in alphabetical. H.
I want to say I'm incredibly gratefully. I'm for one
of you and this beautiful show. You all have made
a way. I feel like we've all grown up together
throughout these last eight years, even though we've never met.
Thank you for the vulnerability, the honesty, the laughter and
(09:07):
love each one of you bring. You all make the
world a better place, and I feel lucky and blessed
to be a scrubber. Second, I just finished watching Jonas
Khan and almost burst into tears. I was so happy
to see Tanya's face pop up Hey. The whole time
she's on my screen, I just kept thinking, oh mg,
she is such a cool girl.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
Wow wow, I've never seen those words before, talk about
grace under pressure.
Speaker 4 (09:27):
Technical difficulties were no match for you, Tanya. You guided
those fan questions like a seasoned pro. What an amazing
job you did. As someone who deals with constant anxiety
doing even the simplest things. I could never imagine doing
what you all do on a regular basis.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
I appreciate her saying that because there were so many
technical issues, and like they were talking back to me
and I couldn't hear them, so I was just like,
like it was like crazy, oh so like I could
only hear me and the fan, but then they would
like react to something we said and I couldn't hear it.
Speaker 5 (09:57):
So so her question is how do you block out
your anxiety and do the thing what helps you when
you feel nervous, and how do you get through it?
Speaker 4 (10:08):
Love you so much, thanks for being enjoying in my
life for so many years. Congratulations Robbie and Tanya. May
your love and commitment for each other grow deeper and
beautiful with each passing day. Tracy G.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Yeah, that is really sweet since she was talking about
what you were doing. How do you if you get
anxious or like overwhelmed or things go wrong, what do
you do?
Speaker 1 (10:28):
It's interesting because I feel like I do get that,
like I in this case in particular, like there was
also another like malfunction, like the something in the intro,
like the audience couldn't hear me and I was just
speaking to nobody, but I needed them to react, So
it was just like kind of a mess. But in
my mind, I'm like, nobody notices. Nobody notices when you
(10:48):
do something wrong because they don't know what it's supposed
to be like, So it's just in my mind, I'm like,
whatever I did the best that I could. I think
in my mind, I always just do the best that
I can, And like, you can't change the outcome. If
something gets messed up, it gets messed up, and then
you just have to just like kind of goes in
and goes out onto the next You can't fixate. I
feel like with anxiety, it's like you fixating on things
(11:10):
I saw.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
I recently saw this TikToker, and I wish I knew
his name, but he has a really strong stammer stutter
and he forces himself to go into public spaces or
like he'll go on a hike, and he makes himself
stop people to say hello so he can practice speaking
to people while he's nervous. And I was like, wow,
(11:32):
that is such a brave thing to do because he
knows that he might run into someone who's not as
like patient or kind. And luckily a lot of the
people that stop and talk to him are so wonderful
and lovely.
Speaker 3 (11:45):
But I was like, wow, this is such.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
A testament of being able to do things scared, because
everything that we stop ourselves from doing is just us
holding back from getting better because of fear. And I
remember thinking, even like as significant as like me coming
out publicly, I remember the fear of like, oh my gosh,
but what if? There was so much anxiety about like
(12:08):
what if people are mean? What if they have a
negative reaction? But instead of letting that win, I did
it scared and it was like the best possible outcome.
But I also think even if it had been bad,
it would have felt so good just to have gotten
over that hump, you know what I'm saying. And so
I think, like doing something even though it feels scary,
and there's anxiety and fear around it. I think is
(12:31):
such an accomplishment in itself, regardless of the outcome of
what happens.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Yeah, that's a quote.
Speaker 4 (12:36):
If you can't beat fear, just do it scared. Yeah,
And I think that's what a lot of us do
in a lot of situations. We're like, oh, I'm not
sure this is going to go very well. You just
do it scared. And like I always say, my favorite
quote is being brave and pretending to be brave are
the exact same thing. You just got to do it.
You've got to get through it. However, you can get
through it. And there's also a certain confidence that comes
(12:56):
with Tanya or somebody's been on stage a lot over
the years. There's a certain feeling of it. It can
only go so wrong, right.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Then so wrong?
Speaker 4 (13:07):
Yeah, and you survived that. Yeah it was okay. But
they're not going to throw things at you. You're not
going to suddenly be naked up there, like there's there
are limits to how awful that can get.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
Yeah, right, And the thing I will say is that
people like, let's say something went wrong to Taniel on stage,
people in that moment will be like, oh, shoot, like
there was a something went wrong and then that's it.
They probably didn't think about it again ever again, So
you have to remember that something that probably feels so
big to you. In the best way I can say
that people don't care like they're only worried about themselves.
(13:37):
That's because they're on their own head.
Speaker 4 (13:39):
That's true, and outside of that, that's true. When you're
walking to the store, like everyone's worried about how they're
going to be seen or perceived. Nobody cares about you.
They care about themselves. They're freaked out about exactly, So
don't worry about it, all right, Anonymous. I've been listening
to your podcast since Becka disclosed your relationship with Haley.
(14:00):
I loved her authenticity and her truth, and ever since
I've been hooked and listening to Tanya and Becca has
felt like being amongst friends. I loved listening to Tanya's
story with the excitement she felt when she first met Robbie. Lately,
in my dating life, though, I felt confused about what
I need to prioritize. Do I need to see if
I have a spark with someone or should I give
the guy a chance to let the spark build up?
(14:20):
I've been seeing a guy for almost four months now,
and while I really enjoy his company and feel that
he hits a lot of check marks, I don't feel
that spark in chemistry with him that Becka and Tany
describe when they felt that they felt with their respective partners.
Should I hold out for the chemistry or settle down
with someone I considered to be a good person and
who is consistent. The last time I felt that spark,
it ended up being a very volatile relationship and he
(14:42):
broke my heart, but it was the only time I
ever felt like I was actually in love.
Speaker 3 (14:47):
M Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
I think sometimes people mistake butterfly like get anxiety or
like a warning sign. They mistake that feeling as that
guy feeling that is actually a warning signs butterflies, and
so they're like, oh, I feel like this rush of excitement,
but it's not the right type of rush of excitement.
You know. My personal theory on this, and there's so
(15:15):
many people that disagree because I don't think ever. I
think people have had long, successful relationships without having an
initial spark and it grew over time. But my thing is,
there's so many people in the world and you have
such limited time here on earth? Why would you settle
without exploring? You know, Like, I'm also one of those
(15:37):
people like the grass isn't greener, you know, it's not
always greener on the other side. But I'm also like,
why limit yourself to settling if you haven't explored? So,
you know, does this make sense? Or do y'all disagree
with me? Because I'm trying to figure out. I understand
if you have something good not just immediately saying goodbye,
but you've given it four months, like you.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
But I also think just because you had a bad
experience with someone that you had a spark what initially
with doesn't mean that like a spark equals volatile relationship,
do you know what I mean? I would personally save
out for the spark.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Same like, yeah, it does sound like there's something missing here,
whether it's the spark.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
People say like, oh, he grew on me or like
he grew on me, and I'm like, but did he?
Or are you settling in like a roommate that's like cool?
Speaker 3 (16:27):
Yeah, yeah, you need to ask yourself the questions. Is
he kind? Do you feel your safest sharing with him?
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Do you see him being a great parent to your kids,
And there was one other one.
Speaker 3 (16:43):
Are you your best self already?
Speaker 2 (16:45):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Uh? Are you?
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (16:48):
Are you your best self? Are you the best version
of yourself? With him?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Thank you?
Speaker 3 (16:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (16:52):
She describes him as a good person. He's consistent, He
checks a lot of boxes. I really enjoy his coming.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
You know, it's consistent. Almond milk.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
Consistently bland, but.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
It's consistent, Like that's not you.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Are you?
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Are you?
Speaker 2 (17:14):
What are you?
Speaker 3 (17:15):
Are you trying to tell her to stay or go?
Speaker 1 (17:16):
That's a go. I'm trying to tell her to go.
Speaker 4 (17:19):
I'm trying to behind and go for extend the metaphor.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
The topping was really beautiful, Thank you.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Why would you settle for almond milk when there's froyo
with toppings, all.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
The toppings you want? You want peanut butter one day,
you got it, sprinkles the next day, chocolate sauce.
Speaker 4 (17:41):
Rob is all the toppings.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Oh my god. My first initial meeting him, I wanted
to my vagina tingle, which is key.
Speaker 4 (17:51):
Yeah, I think her tingling.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
It seems stagnant. She is tingle less, tingle less.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
And here's the thing he can be. He can be
a good guy. He can check all the boxes and
still not be your guy.
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Yes, and that's okay, he will make somebody else's vagina table.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Yes.
Speaker 4 (18:10):
Is that how low the bar is for men? That
it was just just like a lack of hostile like
he's not mean to her? Is that the only thing wild.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Does get low at times?
Speaker 3 (18:19):
And here's the thing.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
I imagine that if you had a volatile relationship, that
having someone consistent and good.
Speaker 3 (18:24):
Feels very safe.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
But I also think there's something better for you out there, Anonymous.
I do too, So go for the froyo, all the
toppings you deserve it.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Yeah, every taste is the toppings.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Okay, I'm gonna let Tanya settle down while we take
a break and we'll be right back.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
Okay, We're back there in our next in our next sea.
Someone said, how do I keep.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
My WM MWe while moving in together? And during the break,
Mark goes, what is MWe? And time we both go
modern woman energy and Tania.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Goes, ugh, such a male.
Speaker 3 (19:24):
Anyways, from Brittany.
Speaker 4 (19:25):
For Brittany, dear Tanya, Becca Easton and Mark, lots of
different permutations in the order. First of all, thank you
for the positive energy you bring to the world through
this podcast like forward listening. Every week, I'm reaching out
for advice on how to bring modern woman energy into
the next phase of my life. About a year ago,
after finishing calling in the one Thank You Tanya by
the Way, I looked it up eight bucks on Amazon,
(19:47):
I met the love of my life again same time
and decided I want to try living outside of California.
So I made plans to movie with my best friend
in Seattle. Although we'd only been dating a couple of months,
we decided to continue our relation ship when I moved.
Fast forward to now, I'm in the relationship I've always
dreamed of. This man is the most thoughtful man I've
ever met. He's showed me what it feels like to
(20:07):
have a true partner. I've also had an incredible year
in Seattle, making new friends, exploring new places, and feeling
happy to have made such a big life change all
on my own. We are not planning to move in together,
and we're talking about getting engaged later this year. For
working family reasons, it makes sense for us to move
in together in San Diego. I always envisioned myself moving
back to California eventually, and I'm excited to take that
(20:27):
next step. I'm also sad I'm about to leave a
city I love so much and it feels like it's
all my own. I'm grieving a bit of independence, so
that take a step toward combining our lives. What advice
do you have about feeling both excited and sad about
taking such a big relationship step and how to continue
bringing the modern woman energy into a partnership. Thank you
for all you do.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
I think the biggest breakthrough that I ever learned in
therapy was that two emotions can exist at the same time,
So like, you can be so excited and looking forward
to this next phase of your life, but also a
little bit sad and grieving a part of you that's
no longer there, you know what I mean, Like those
two things can exist at the same time, and I
(21:08):
feel like tim for me, that was so groundbreaking when
I learned that, Like I was like, oh my gosh,
Like every it just makes so much sense because you
can feel multiple things at the same time. And I
think that, yeah, you do lose like when you move
into with someone, you do lose a bit of independence,
but you don't lose all of it, Like you can
still have your modern woman energy, and you can still
(21:29):
have independence while living with somebody, but it is a
huge shift and a huge change. So like you let
yourself grieve that and more in that and be sad
about that, but like, don't let that feeling overtake the
happiness and the joy and the excitement that you're feeling
as well.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
It's really good advice.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Wow, thank you, because I felt the same way. Yeah,
I felt the exact same way. Like I was, like
I was so excited and overjoyed for that next step
in season of my life. But also I want to
say mourning, but feeling like nostalgic or like sad that
I was leaving kind of like my my girlhood pad,
you know, like my apartment that was my own and
I could sit on the couch and Postmates breakfast, lunch,
(22:07):
and dinner and watch Gilmore Girls all day. Like I
don't know a lot of time I've ever I've done that,
you know, Like I live in a home with three
boys and a dog, you know, so like my life
is different, but so I feel like having space for
both is like totally fine.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
I also part of me understands because it's two really
big things at once. It's moving back to it's leaving
a city that you've had such a wonderful time in
and moving in with someone that you've been dating, but
like y'all haven't lived together yet, so there's this merging
of your life that's also brand new. Part of me
(22:40):
is like, does she move down to San Diego and
they live in the same city while they're dating and
do that before they move in together? Or does it
feel like you know what I'm saying, like so much
in one step?
Speaker 4 (22:56):
What I was thinking was what if there's a third
option that that sociatle hers and San Diego is his?
Or was what if there's a third option that can
be that that can belong to the two of you.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
Oh, like, they move somewhere together.
Speaker 4 (23:08):
Yeah, and maybe it's not even far away. Maybe it's
in the southern California area. It just slate's up in
Fountain Valley or someplace you haven't explored before. Because you
can have that way, it's a space that is your
own for the two of you.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
I don't love that. I don't feel like she doesn't
like San Diego. Yeah, I feel like she likes San Diego.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
I would just say, since it just feels like they
haven't dated living in the same city. So I feel like,
first of all, you're you're moving from somewhere that you loved,
you're leaving your independence, and then you're moving straight in
with a guy for the first time.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
I get though, I would feel very overwhelmed.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Yeah, you know, so I'm like, maybe you have a
roommate situation for like six months and you'll just at
least date in the same city.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
You stay over there kind of learn how each other.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Like I remember I used to I like I have
a thing with hair, Like I just don't like like
black hair, and like now like like not on people's heads,
like just like no, like like I don't know. It's
like yeah, like what I would say, like I don't know,
like just just a hair dark hair. Yeah, And like
(24:16):
Robbie has to shave his beard like every day and
so there's always like there was always hair everywhere, and
I always found that to be like so like uh
until him and then I was like I don't care
his his beard hair is like everywhere, and I'm like.
Speaker 3 (24:30):
A collection of it.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
I look at it when he's gone for too long. Yeah,
but it's like I get it because like those things like,
I get it, Like moving in with someone is like
very jarring. It's very jarring.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
But that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
If she'sually a boy, if they if they got to
live in the same city and she had her own
space and still hers and he had his space, but
then they got to stay together, so they learned each
other's habits. Because when Haley moved in with me officially,
it was more like what are we doing with both
of our stuff? Like it was more stuff, there was
more stuff, but like we knew exactly how each of
(25:07):
us live, We knew our habits, we knew everything, so
there was no shock factor. If anything, it just made
it so much easier that we lived in one space.
And I was like, why didn't we do this sooner?
But I I understand your feelings, and I think Tanya's
advice is so right, like you can experience two feelings
at the same time, and also you know, move at
(25:29):
the pace that you want to move.
Speaker 4 (25:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Yeah, And congrats on calling in the one Oh my God,
music to my ears.
Speaker 4 (25:37):
This is anonymous, and this is a pretty amazing way
of how she found the podcast. Hi Becka, Tanya Mark
Ron Easton. I discovered the pod in twenty nineteen when
I was recovering from a severe concussion and couldn't spend
time on screens, so I turned to podcasts. All these
years later, your pod is the one I still listen
to every week. Wow.
Speaker 3 (25:54):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (25:55):
Through the years, I've grown to know you all and
I've been rooting for your successes along the way. Thank
you for knowingly helping me through a brutal concussion recovery
process and giving real life advice that I value. Also, Tanya,
thank you for mentioning the song Butterflies by Casey Muskraves.
It led to me becoming a huge fan, and Casey's
music also helped me with my recovery. I've listened to
so many Bondie episodes and now I need advice. I'm
(26:16):
from Toronto, twenty four single, and they need change. I've
lived at home with my parents since the injury and
I'm feeling very limited. Moving out right now is not
an option financially, So how do you build space to
make a life of your own well living with your parents?
I appreciate you guys so much. Conngrast the Tani and
Robbie on their wedding m.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
I feel like it's I really think you the first thing,
which I don't know if you've done this or like
where your relationship is with your parents, but having a
conversation with your parents acknowledging where you're at emotionally and
how you want you know that like moving out isn't
financially an option, but you want to feel like you
have independence while living with them, and seeing if just
(26:59):
making sure that that line of communication is open, because
I think sometimes when you live with your parents, they
still feel like they're like taking care of you, and
they they have to almost like helicopter parent you, even
though you're a full, fully grown adult and you I
think you just need to have that conversation first of
acknowledging where you're at and that you're ready to have
(27:19):
some independence and even though you're living with them.
Speaker 3 (27:24):
I also think doing.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Activities by yourself, like things that get you out of
the house are gonna be your best bet in terms
of feeling independent.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
Yeah, I don't know, Like I don't know what your
situation is, but I remember when I had to move
back home because I couldn't afford to live in LA.
So I was driving from Orange County to LA to
work and everything like that. But I was making friends
that lived in LA, so I would like pack a
bag and on Fridays, I would like stay up at
like a friend's apartment for the weekend, and like I
started to build my life in LA without actually like
(27:58):
living here, and I would just like stay with friend
friends and make connections and do like work functions and
things like that. So maybe if you could make some
friends I don't know Toronto that well, but like in
the city or don't, I don't know, make friends and
like spend the weekends out kind of building your life
in that way.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
I was even going to say, maybe like once a
month you go and have a stay at like a
hotel or do something with a friend where you feel
like you're doing something separate from your parents. Yeah, but
I really think I think that's a good advice too,
because I did the same thing before I lived in LA.
I would come up and stay with friends and kind
of had established myself in LA before I even moved here.
(28:41):
But I think that's a good advice. And I think
it's when you start to feel better and feel more independent.
I think that you're naturally going to start making moves
to where you are in a place to move out
and get your own place. But we're rooting for you
and I'm glad your your health is getting better, that
you're even in a place where you're at asking us
for this advice, and we hope that it only gets better.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
Yeah, you got this?
Speaker 3 (29:06):
Oh? Is that my? Is it? Time for a break?
Speaker 4 (29:08):
For a break?
Speaker 3 (29:27):
All right?
Speaker 2 (29:27):
We are back with our final dear Bonia of the day.
Speaker 4 (29:31):
It's another anonymous Hello, Mark East and Tanya. Yeah, that's
why I wanted to.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
Read this one.
Speaker 4 (29:39):
I have a dilemma. I have an identical twin sister
who lives with me, and outside of a five month period,
we've lived under the same roof our entire lives. I've
always been the more independence and supportive twin, where she
relies on me mentally, emotionally, and financially. I have hit
my breaking point. I started seeing someone who lives close
to me, so safe to say. I invite her to
my house and I go to hers pretty often. It's new.
(30:00):
It's exciting, definitely the honeymoon phase. I've always wanted to
be near each other.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
Well.
Speaker 4 (30:04):
I traveled for work this week after being away from
my girlfriend. I was planning to spend the night at
her house. However, after letting my sister know I'd be
gone for the night, she flipped out started saying, I
always abandon her. I don't listen to her or her needs.
How I'm always ready to leave her when I find
a better option. I was still caught off guard that
detected my girlfriend to cancel last minute, even though it
was the last thing I wanted to do. Well, now
(30:26):
my girlfriend got upset. She's saying she can't continue to
see me if I'm always having to pick between her
and my sister. How can I said healthy boundaries with
my sister but also make sure she knows I'm always
there for her. I can't be a sister, friend, companion,
and bank for her all at once. I have sacrificed
a lot of myself for my twin, and I'm finally
seeing someone that I don't want to walk away from
(30:46):
without giving it a fair chance. Please help me.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
I mean, I think you tell your sisters, ye, I'm
gonna go see my girlfriend tonight. You can like go
watch Gilmore Girls and order some yummy postmaids. What are
you talking about?
Speaker 2 (31:02):
I think, as someone who was very reliant on her
friends during your single phase. I think we can have
a little more understanding for the sister.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
Yes, I was heavily needy. I never once would like
if you guys were doing something with your significant others
or this is like guilt trip galore. I hate guilt trip.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
I think that it's important to sit down a law.
I think it's important to sit down with your sister
and let her know that you love her so much
and you will always be there for her, but you
also cannot be everything to her like that is not
it's not healthy, it's not fair, and it's not one
person's responsibility to take on all of that for someone.
(31:47):
And I think it's just having a conversation of saying
I need to be able to have my own life
and my own journey, and that that doesn't mean that
I've abandoned you. Like I think your sister's very anxious, attached,
and it sounds like you're the only person who either
she feels safe enough to be that way with or
(32:07):
gives in to her, so.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
She takes advantage of it like that, it sounds like.
Speaker 2 (32:11):
She kind of takes advantage of your willingness to be
there for her. So I think you just need to say,
I'm really happy with this person and I really want
to explore this and I shouldn't have to choose between
the two of you, and I don't want it to
feel that way, because me spending time with someone that
I really care about is not me abandoning you. And
you're let her know like she's safe. You're not trying
(32:34):
to get rid of her. You just are an independent person.
You're an individual, and you deserve this.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
You can use beck as advice a little more tender.
Speaker 3 (32:48):
Well.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
I think it's like her sister's panicking. She's anxiously attached,
and she just needs to know that she's safe and
that her sister isn't leaving her.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
I think I'm triggered by this because of the guilt,
the guilt tripping. I feel like, I don't know why.
I feel like I was guilt tripped a lot like
in my life, and so when I see it in this,
it like makes me like retract.
Speaker 2 (33:09):
Yeah, but you're also you. You have in the past
been anxiously attached. So it's like that feeling of someone
not being there when you feel like you really need
them feels like abandonment, Like I've felt that before. We're like,
if Haley wasn't emotionally there, I'm like, you're abandoning me.
And she's like you're safe, like you're fine, and I
(33:31):
was like, okay, okay, you know, it's like just needing
that reassurance. And it's her sister, so it's like needing
to set that boundary because again, you're gonna go your
whole life with her, ruining other relationships even friendships that
you have with people, if she if you don't set
this boundary now.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
Yeah, look and also like look if your sister was
going through something and like really needed you that night
and your girlfriend got upset about it, but that's another story.
But the way you wrote it and the way this
is all I went down.
Speaker 2 (34:03):
Now and I was saying, like, you're doing her disservice
if you don't set this boundary because she's always only.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
Going to clean on you.
Speaker 3 (34:09):
Yeah, and she needs to find other resources of support.
Speaker 4 (34:14):
Like Becca, how would you feel if somebody was always
watching your location and trying to figure out where you
are and who you're with, and if you're having more
fun with them than you are with you know, that
sort of thing that would be that'd be a lot
to deal with.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
Yeah, and I would just gently say I love you
so much, and you're safe and you have my location,
so if you have any need to know where I am,
just check check that. And I can't wait to talk
to you later on if that were to happen to me.
Speaker 3 (34:42):
Right, and just because I'm having fun with.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
Someone else doesn't mean that that it's competition right, or
that we're not as good a friends anymore? Right, where
you're safe, doesn't love you, that's that's fyance, Tanya.
Speaker 3 (35:02):
Yeah, wife's Tanya doesn't know.
Speaker 4 (35:04):
I barely February.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
Yeah we are, Yeah, weavy bowl. Yes, I've barely heard
from myself. I haven't been home for more than forty second.
Speaker 3 (35:14):
Like, you're very settled and content. I have not, you
have been.
Speaker 1 (35:19):
I don't think I'm settled. Oh, I think I'm in
like a tornado.
Speaker 3 (35:23):
So when you're back from Houston, things over, yes, okay, okay,
I look forward to it. Yeah, that's all for now.
We'll be back. That's all, folks.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
We'll be back on Monday, Yes we will, and we
can't wait.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
Love you, love you so much. To be continued
Hosts And Creators
Tanya Rad
Rebecca Tilley
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