Laser Stories (6/13/25)

Weird news stories from around the world… with a healthy dose of lasers added in. Does it make sense? No not really, but it doesn’t HAVE TO… it’s Laser Stories!

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
It's the radio segment that's finally bringing comfy living to
the great outdoors with the new Snugie Tent, a wearable
shelter that sleeps for inside.

Speaker 2 (00:18):
Why pitch a tent when you can be the tent?

Speaker 1 (00:23):
That's right, It's all available with Laser Stories, a segment
where we read weird news stories around the globe, just
like everyone else does, except we've got.

Speaker 2 (00:31):
A laser and those other tramp camps just don't.

Speaker 1 (00:34):
His first laser story is out of my favorite swamp Land, Florida.
A seventy year old man named Patrick Mitchell pled not
guilty in court this week.

Speaker 2 (00:45):
And what was he accused of?

Speaker 1 (00:46):
Cops say he was at a Sam's club when he
stopped to urinate on two pallets of canned goods. Come on, man,
hold on, hold on now, don't judge until you hear
the whole story.

Speaker 2 (01:00):
It's not fair of you to jump to conclusions.

Speaker 3 (01:02):
It could possibly be a good reason for that.

Speaker 2 (01:05):
The cans were on fire.

Speaker 1 (01:06):
One palette was a big stack of Vienna sausages, the
other a very tall display of spam.

Speaker 2 (01:14):
Okay, do you feel better now? They are random meat?

Speaker 3 (01:17):
No, not at all. I love spam.

Speaker 2 (01:19):
Wow. Yeah, me too, judge.

Speaker 1 (01:21):
But after he zipped up, he wandered around the snack
section for a while, sat down on some of the
patio furniture for about ten minutes.

Speaker 3 (01:30):
I'm sure there was no drugs involved in this.

Speaker 1 (01:33):
And then he paid for everything in his cart and left.

Speaker 3 (01:37):
Hey, nobody got an upstanding customer.

Speaker 2 (01:40):
We're all a good guy.

Speaker 3 (01:41):
The can shape like toilets, I mean, and the thing
is is it's free to use the bathroom there. Yeah,
you know a.

Speaker 1 (01:48):
Thing, customers, If you can find the bathroom inside that
giant barehouse, it's pretty big. So they id'd him using
info from his Sam's Club card and arrested him at
his home. He's now facing charges for a disorderly conduct
and criminal mischief. The second one's a felony because he
damaged over one thousand dollars worth of merchandise, and even

(02:11):
though the manager was on the fence about it, in
the end, the store decided to throw out everything on
the palletts.

Speaker 3 (02:18):
Wait, don't be on the fence.

Speaker 2 (02:22):
I mean some of it's good. It's kind of plastic wrapped.

Speaker 1 (02:24):
Most of it had to come.

Speaker 3 (02:26):
To a vote, I mean, honestly, if one of my
kids peed on something at home, like that a can
of something, I'd wash it off of you.

Speaker 2 (02:31):
Yeah, it's in the can.

Speaker 3 (02:32):
It's just it's a stranger. That's where it's hard.

Speaker 1 (02:35):
Over three thousand, three hundred cans of Vienna sausages and
twenty seven hundred cans of spam had to be tossed out.
They say the combined value was over ten grand.

Speaker 3 (02:46):
Yeah, but whoever went dumpster diving? Gold mine?

Speaker 2 (02:51):
Literally?

Speaker 1 (02:52):
And as you heard earlier, Patrick entered in and not
guilty plea and vows to dedicate his life to catching
the look alike who's.

Speaker 2 (02:59):
Trying to frame.

Speaker 3 (03:03):
Going with that one.

Speaker 2 (03:04):
Huh, look like me downstairs too. I swear I've never
beated in my life.

Speaker 1 (03:08):
This next laser story is out of Let's just stay
in Florida for a while. Okay, thirty five year old
man figured out how to fly anywhere that he wanted
completely free.

Speaker 3 (03:20):
I heard about Please tell me how.

Speaker 2 (03:23):
His name want to do this.

Speaker 1 (03:24):
His name is Tyron Alexander, and he accomplished this feat
not with high balance credit cards accruing miles. All Tyrone
had to do was pretend to be a flight attendant.

Speaker 3 (03:37):
Sounds like, I mean, how could you pretend though they
have uniforms, they've got badges, they've got all the.

Speaker 1 (03:44):
Old tyrone was able to fabricate thirty different badge numbers
and falsify hiring dates for every single one of them.
Then he'd log onto the airline employee flight system.

Speaker 3 (03:55):
Dude, those systems are so amazing. My best friend's mom
works for airline. You could get on anything, yeah, if
you are part of her family.

Speaker 1 (04:06):
So he got on that system and started booking away.

Speaker 2 (04:08):
Oh my god, ended up being able to.

Speaker 1 (04:11):
Take more than one hundred and twenty free flights before
he finally got caught. And this went on for years,
beginning all the way back in twenty eighteen up till
present day. Why did you do it like once and
then be like I got away with it, Thank God,
I'm done. I don't know.

Speaker 3 (04:26):
I think after three times, you're like, wait a minute,
you're convinced yourself you're an actual employee.

Speaker 2 (04:33):
Yeah, airlines, but the.

Speaker 1 (04:36):
Way the aviation thing is going, they need more people
working for them right now.

Speaker 2 (04:40):
But Tsa eventually figured it out.

Speaker 1 (04:43):
No word on how, but maybe he went through the
same security line in a different airline attendant outfit two
different days in a row.

Speaker 2 (04:50):
Oh yeah, we don't know. That's a good point.

Speaker 1 (04:53):
But what we do know is that he was arrested
and now faces up to thirty years behind bars.

Speaker 3 (04:59):
I mean, think about how much money.

Speaker 1 (05:00):
If you're taking international flights, you've stolen probably one hundreds
of thousands of dollars.

Speaker 3 (05:04):
At least I'd see a lot of the world before
he went to jail. Ye seen it.

Speaker 1 (05:08):
And he gets to hang out with the guy that
pete on all the spam and all the sausages.

Speaker 2 (05:12):
They're buzz.

Speaker 1 (05:13):
He's also been blacklisted from seven different major airline carriers.
The only one who's open to having him is Spirit.

Speaker 2 (05:22):
Their official quote.

Speaker 1 (05:23):
Was why not, especially if he checks his bags, we
can charge him more. Martickets are like ten bucks anyway,
so what's the big steed?

Speaker 3 (05:30):
They probably don't even give free flights to their flight
to ten.

Speaker 2 (05:34):
I like that Spirit came out looking good in this story.
That's awesome.

Speaker 1 (05:38):
This next Lazer story is out of the Cargo Shorts Council.
This Sunday's Father's Day, and some people are still obsessing
over a great last minute gift idea. According to Google Trends,
the top searches over the past week are gifts for
dads who have everything, who want nothing, and who don't

(05:58):
like anything.

Speaker 3 (06:00):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (06:01):
Well, According to a survey, seventy five percent of dads
say their ideal Father's Day is spent outdoors doing stuff
like hiking, camping, barbecuing, and fishing.

Speaker 2 (06:10):
That's awesome, and they.

Speaker 1 (06:12):
Prefer making food on a grill over going out to
a restaurant.

Speaker 3 (06:16):
Oh, Father's Day, my dad wants to have steak, but
he wants to cook it.

Speaker 1 (06:23):
I know perfect, I know where you could find some
free Vienna sausages like me used or if you do
insist on getting a gift, there's no need to think
outside the box. Thirty three percent of dad say they
prefer practical gifts that they'll actually use, especially gift cards.

Speaker 3 (06:40):
Sorry, I don't think my dad would ever use it.
Doesn't use any gift I've ever bought him. I'm a trigger.
Anyone us it? Amazing? He likes his Old Girl Better
Home Depot gift card every year, and every year he
uses it this year retractable holes from Home Depot. That's
all you want?

Speaker 2 (06:57):
Another option?

Speaker 1 (06:58):
You can get your father set up to try something
that he's never done before. Fifty six percent of dads
say they're interested in taking up a new outdoor hobby,
something like pickleball or kayaking, or even better, you can
take your dad out into nature and watch the animals.

Speaker 2 (07:15):
Oh, look at that. It's a turtle inside of a
red new balanced sneaker. It looks like he's burrowing.

Speaker 1 (07:23):
Into it, trying to make a new home, or maybe
make a new baby sneaker. At least you're watching with
your dad. And that sound means Laser Stories has come
to an end for the day. We'll do it again,
same time on Monday.