April 9, 2025 • 19 mins
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Speaks to the planet.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
I'll go by the name of Charlamagne of God and
guess what, I can't wait to see y'all at the
third annual Black Effect Podcast Festival. That's right, We're coming
back to Atlanta, Georgia, Saturday, April twenty six at Poeman
Yards and it's hosted by none other than Decisions, Decisions,
Mandy B and Weezy. Okay, we got the R and
B Money Podcast with taking Jay Valentine. We got the
Woman of All Podcasts with Sarah Jake Roberts, we got
(00:22):
Good Mom's Bad Choices. Carrie Champion will be there with
her next sports podcast and the Trap Nerds podcast, with
more to be announced. And of course it's bigger than podcasts.
We're bringing the Black Effect Marketplace with black owned businesses,
plus the food truck court to keep you fed while
you visit us. All right, listen, you don't want to
miss this. Tap in and grab your tickets now at
Black Effect dot Com Flash Podcast Festival.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
If you would like to have us answer your questions.
If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or
a terrible throuffle, guess what you've got, Decisions.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
It's humpday.
Speaker 4 (00:59):
Baby, It's Wensday and welcome to another episode of You've
Got Decisions.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Oop, you're humping hope you're unhappy. We're back with another
question of some shit we probably have not the right
answer to, but here we go.
Speaker 4 (01:12):
Well, shout out to one of our Patreon members and
Baby were bringing it right here. And this is a
very interesting question as we've been talking so much about
relationships and all those. Her main question, and I'll get
into her short description. Hear about it, but she said,
how do I show my man that I actually haven't
(01:33):
outgrown him? I love this show, longtime patron and listener.
My husband has started getting in his head about me
leaving him. We've been together ten years since college, and
of course things have changed. I've lost close to two
hundred pounds and I make about one hundred and fifty
thousand more than he does. Wow, girl, he's my best friend,
(01:55):
but these two things.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
That was for the way he lost That was no
shade by the way.
Speaker 4 (01:59):
He's my best friend, but there's these two things have
him irrationally paranoid and it's getting frustrating. We have two
kids together and I think he's amazing, but this paranoia
that I'm gonna leave him for someone better is driving
me crazy. How do I show my man I haven't
outgrown him? This is great because we talk about change
(02:23):
in so many different ways, and so for this to
be not only a physical change, clearly which we all
experience with age, but a financial change in the best
possible way, this is interesting. So I'm gonna throw it
to you all first. But how do you think she
should show up or reassure her man that she's here
(02:47):
and not looking for someone.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
I don't want the boys to answer this person. Then
maybe we I don't really know what to say on
how a man the fragility of this, How would.
Speaker 4 (02:55):
You feel if you're a woman changed her looks drastically
and then also maybe got into a position career wise
where she made one hundred and fifty thousand dollars more and.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
We got to guess that's cool. But how does she
know he feels this way?
Speaker 4 (03:12):
By the way, he said, he's become paranoid and he's expressing.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Uh, she said, getting fine and rich?
Speaker 4 (03:18):
She said, he's his paranoid is showing and he thinks,
which I assume he said, I'm going to quote unquote
leave him for someone better.
Speaker 5 (03:26):
Now we're gonna say drastic, like capital all draft, like,
this is all drastic.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
She lost two hundred pounds, kudos to you. But then also,
I know what he is, I know who it is.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Oh wow.
Speaker 4 (03:37):
And yeah, so those are two drastic changes that maybe
you wouldn't expect to have within a relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
And they've known each other for ten years. I think
for one eden, before you speak real quick, I want
to know, is someone improving her physical appearance something that
would make you feel threatened or make you think they'd
want someone else?
Speaker 5 (04:00):
No, okay, that's the thing. It's like, one, let's go
even with just the weight loss and stuff like that,
that's just bettering yourself in general, not saying that you
can't be in a high saying that, yeah, exactly right.
But I'm saying I understand that some people go through
a weight loss journey for a certain reason. So that's
one thing, right now what Okay, so she got her
money up, which means you know, she got her everything
(04:21):
else up. I truly do believe that there are some
men who get into certain relationships with certain women who
are not in the most wealthy position, right or maybe
even the best best considered a physical condition for them
because they want to feel better than right. Because of that,
(04:42):
I feel like there might be and this is just
a speculation, Nikki, he might feel some type of way
that you are not who you once were before, and
now he might not have the same grasp as he
could have before.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
I saw Aldoman. Her name's the six Footed. I don't
know if you've remember heard from Orlando, but I just
had a dinner with was at a dinner she was
at and I really want to have her on. She's
a lot of opinions that I don't agree with. Some
I do, but I would say she kind of has
a bandy effect of sometimes a lot of her opinions
are just like WHOA. She says something on a podcast
where she said men are dating fat women because they
(05:21):
I guess I'm not quoting her right, but like maybe
she's saying they're more submissive, they'll do whatever they want,
they have less options type of things. So that's why
men are dating iterated service and I hated the options.
But the rot with you, Ed is literally validating them
what you said. That's the thing.
Speaker 5 (05:39):
I don't think it's because I think change in general,
it doesn't mean that she has to be bigger too, smaller.
It could be smaller, bigger, doesn't matter. It could be
going from a hundred, it could be from let's say
eight thousand to one hundred and fifty thousand.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
Right.
Speaker 5 (05:51):
It's the point is that now you don't feel like
you might have the same grasp at that person because
their quality has improved to them. Yeah, because someone could
start losing mad weight and not be happy, So I was.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
Gonna make that happy.
Speaker 4 (06:03):
It's funny because we put this onus on like the
fat woman quote unquote being more subservient or doing whatever.
When kind of what I picked up from what you said,
Eden is this man is insecure and may have felt
more secure in their relationship because of what he thought
society's views on you were as a woman. And now
(06:27):
you've lost this weight, and what is really happening is
not the paranoia that you'll leave, or it is the
paranoia that you'll leave is coming from his own insecurity
because he feels like, damn, now that you look this
way or make a certain amount of money, you have
more options. So what I don't hear people say is that, oh, well,
(06:47):
men may date less attractive or bigger women.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
Because of their own goddamn insecurities.
Speaker 4 (06:53):
Not what these quote unquote fat or ugly women will
do because they're insecure or down and need to settle. Well,
it's the fact that men show up and get something
that makes them feel comfortable as well.
Speaker 5 (07:04):
And I'm gonna be the way, by the way, so
let me just say one thing real quick to clarify,
because I totally understand where you're comeing from from me,
even mentioning that on the show. It could be that
same equation that I'm mentioning now, but different numbers and
variables that we plug it and doesn't have to be.
The fact is that I feel like sometimes certain men
are with certain women or stay with certain women because
of the comfortability, and they're like, you know what, things
(07:26):
are not going to change. I like my girl who
she is now, and you're gonna change on me. You
know what, You're gonna make more money, you gotta feel
happier about yourself now, and you like this.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Is kind of hypothetical.
Speaker 4 (07:39):
And everyone or even Wheezy y'all like thick brawl it
for you. You like thick, voluptuous women. You like a
big stocku man during your relationship. They choose because they
want to feel better for their own reasons.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
They lose weight.
Speaker 4 (07:57):
She now becomes a thin, very in shape track runner,
and your man becomes a little scrawny ass.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
You know, just just thin, lean man, because that's what
they want. Is that not?
Speaker 3 (08:08):
Like?
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Could you as a partner then say you changed what
I like?
Speaker 4 (08:13):
I don't know if I want to stay here anymore.
I know she's leaning into the paranoia, but I'm wondering, too,
is you're smaller?
Speaker 1 (08:22):
That's not what I like? Because I do think you
need to kind of I want to I wear a
hairstyle that my man hates. Let's say he hates the
chunky braids. He likes s get me like standard, just regular,
knot list box breid. He doesn't like big, big, chunky braids.
(08:44):
And I remember I was talking about I might do
it for some episode of sex Cell. He was like,
I hope it's just for that episode. You know, I
don't like that. And I was like, okay, now you're
gonna tell me what they do a nigga. He's like,
I mean, but what do you want to wear? Styles?
I like? Wouldn't I wouldn't wear I wouldn't cut my hair,
didn't die my hair. I know you fucking think that
shit is crazy? Like, shouldn't we be complimenting each other? Yes,
(09:05):
And I gotta be hones yes, and I think there
is a yes and because when it comes to health
it's a little different. But when it comes to appearance.
For example, if your man hated you wearing cargoes, that's
a style you love. It looks cute on you. But
if he's like, I hate when women wear.
Speaker 5 (09:21):
Pants, Oh, you gotta get over it, or that's such
a common thing the way.
Speaker 4 (09:25):
And if he goes and yes, and we talked about it,
it's so funny. I went out to have drinks with
my friend the other day and I had a sun
dress long with flowers.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
He said, I didn't even know you own that.
Speaker 4 (09:38):
I said, sorry that I just like a suid with you, babe,
Like I'll bring the fuck maybe I'll bring the sun dress.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
But I wear what I want to wear when I
want to wear it. Yeah, I guess if you meet
me with a certain style, that's a tough one. But
I think style.
Speaker 4 (09:49):
I do physical appearance in money, I do think physical experience.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
If it's not for health, like if I got a BBL,
my nigga would probably leave me.
Speaker 5 (09:56):
I'm not a lot. It's okay now now, I like
how you said that, right, I will subscribe to the
fact that if I'm with my shorty, I'm happy with
however she is. I will be toxic in the sense
maybe that if my girl wants to go get a
bb or something, I'm like, I don't know why we
got to put you on the knife.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
To make you more beautiful.
Speaker 5 (10:15):
I wouldn't.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
I can't subspect. I love that.
Speaker 4 (10:23):
I want to go back though to the question, especially
as a guy, I will give my advice. How do
I assure my man that I have not outgrown him?
I will tell you now, and I've said it based
off my own experience with an insecure as nigga. You
cannot help an insecure man or an insecure woman feel
(10:46):
more secure about themselves without them doing the work.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
I would say, he needs to go.
Speaker 4 (10:51):
To therapy and work on the things that's triggering him
to make you feel like you'll leave.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
You can literally take him on dates.
Speaker 4 (10:57):
Gift him every week, tell him every man morning that
you love him, Tell him you don't want to be
with anyone else, and the devil on this shoulder will
constantly tell him she's gonna find someone better. There's someone
better than me right now. I feel like the projection
and the paranoi is coming from his own insecurities.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
That he has to work through.
Speaker 5 (11:16):
Agree on that.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Yeah, And I also don't think anything you could do.
I don't think your man is with you because you
looked a certain way like she's married, right, Yeah, I
remember her writing before. But I honestly think sometimes we
just get insecure with self improvement for someone we aren't
doing it for ourselves. And so if you're making more
money and changing your fitness, it could be just like damn,
(11:40):
like I haven't been doing this. This isn't something we
were doing together. A lot of the mirror for people,
a lot of couples, you know, they share fitness goals together,
they're encouraging each other, they're doing things together. So you
may just be making him feel left out. Not to
say you're doing it on purpose, but what's happening to
you is probably making him feel left out. So I
would just do the opposite instead of figuring out how
(12:01):
do I fix it? Is to encourage him to do
the same, Like no matter how you lost weight. We
all know that gym can be helpful. Wanting to go together,
start saying we I want us to be fly, I
want us to have a gold work towards. Let's go
on this cruise, Let's go on this vacation together and
make sure we get here setting goals together. I think
he would feel less left out of it. Yeah, but
money or already fit. Oh, that's a good act.
Speaker 5 (12:26):
That's kind of my thing.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Right, It's like, that's why I even want it. Just
the attraction that he had to That's why rety about
the no, no, no, I don't think this is attraction.
Speaker 5 (12:33):
It could be different equations and different variables, right, it's
of the fact that it's like he does feel like
he's being left out. But to your point, it's some
stuff that he might want.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
To work smaller. Like I would almost bet my life
he isn't fit. If you were with someone who was
super super fit and you made a health change like that,
I really think they would beating man. He give me
a second. Let me, let me, let me, let me
finish my thought. If you were dating someone who's super fit,
(13:04):
I don't see a world where they would feel uncomfortable
with your weight loss more than they would champion it
and feel like you did something that's more in alignment
with them. This is not meaning that someone super fit
can't be with someone that's overweight. I'm just saying if
someone's living that life, they are going to love that people.
And mind you, I own a gym, now, I know
(13:25):
how these people are fucking talking every day they are
seeing this shit so different. Literally to the point where
one of the new girls that works with us, she's
such a cutie talking about what type of man she wants,
first thing on her mound, healthy lifestyle, like I want
to make sure that we're doing this kind of routine
to get like that's how they talk. So if she
was with someone super fit, there wouldn't be a world
where he's like you want someone else now, No, because you,
but it could be.
Speaker 4 (13:46):
It's interesting because it reminds me of like the very
small thing right in terms of the insecurity of a man.
You could put a dress on to go hang out
with your friends, and he looks at that dress and
knows that other men are gonna look at it. He's
gonna want you to take that dress. That's his own insecurity,
projecting at the fact that now other men are going
to be looking at you. That's what I'm saying in
(14:07):
terms of this man's your husband's projection of damn, you
don't lost this weight, Maybe you're gonna get the attention
of more men. And maybe because I'm insecure of how
I'm showing up.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Yes, I think that's true. I think it's just that
I'm really speaking to that fit thing. I think there's
no way. I really don't people that are living a
certain way. When you get to have your partner being
in alignment. Just imagine Wolf. Wolf's been vegan for a while, right,
Imagine he got a girl who's a meati either and
suddenly she wants to become vegan. He's not gonna be like, oh,
what nigga made you change your mind? Hell no, He's
(14:39):
gonna be like, no, now we on the fucking path. See.
Speaker 5 (14:41):
But that's an interesting aspect too, right, can maybe we
can move those variables around. What if it's about eating
lifestyles and stuff like that, But.
Speaker 4 (14:49):
Eating lifestyle doesn't bring about the paranoia or insecurities that
you're going to find someone better.
Speaker 5 (14:54):
I think it's healthier.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
Right.
Speaker 5 (14:55):
Let's say if me and my girl both me eaters.
Now she's doing veganism and she's leading a healthier life.
Speaker 4 (15:01):
A woman living a healthier life and being vegan isn't
gonna bring about your insecurities of another man being better
than me, or you being able to pull different men,
or me feeling inadequate in where I stand in this relationship.
It's physical change. Yeah, there's physical change. And the fact that,
let's be very clear when we talk about men. We
had an episode about the patriarchy, when we talk about
how men show up as the provider, how can I
(15:22):
really be the provider now when you make one hundred
and fifty thousand dollars more.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
To be honest with you, though, I think being that
they've been married for a while, because if I remember
who this is, she's been our patron for a minute.
If it really is money as long as they've been married,
I don't know. I feel like if you're a generous
person in the household, like for example, let's just say
I'm ake okay, she makes one to fifty more. Let's
say he makes one hundred and she makes two fifty.
(15:46):
We're married, I don't know, ten years, maybe we're getting
a different like, yeah, it's like you gonna have to
fucking keep this extra one hundred and fifty thousand in
the talk for myself. We've been married a minute. Fuck no, nigga,
we getting a new.
Speaker 4 (16:00):
And if he was raised like Wolf, I can understand
how now there's insecurities that everything I thought I should.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Be as a man now doesn't align with this emotion.
Whe you think Wolf don't feel about white.
Speaker 4 (16:13):
But I'm saying, as a provider and protector Wolf, your
woman comes and makes one hundred and fifty k, and
mind you. We just had this conversation as well with
a matchmaker who said, I believe you should date someone
who doesn't have more than a thirty thousand dollars difference
because there's gonna be that insecurity of who gets to
tell who what and all those things. Because it's unfortunately
(16:33):
relationships and how you show up in a dynamic is
often rooted in who the breadwinner is.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Who the head of household is.
Speaker 6 (16:40):
Yeah, yeah, I take it a step further. I don't
mind if my woman makes a whole lot more money
than me. Like the type of guy I am a
very dominant So it's more about like mentality and the
frequency between us like, you can make way more money
as long as I don't feel different from the position
I feel most comfortable being in. You know, I don't
feel emasculated because you're making a lot of money. And furthermore,
I want to provide a point that I think it's
(17:02):
very possible that somebody could go through their life being overweight, right,
and then they slim down, and then now they get
attention that they never got before ever in their life.
They got people giving him certain looks, they got people
charming them in a certain way, and I think it's
possible they could fall victims to the abuse of the power.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Yeah, that's crazy. I think that's very possible. I absolutely
agree with you know, I like something you just brought up.
You wouldn't feel emasculated through money. I think we as
women constantly use money as the way that men will
feel emasculated by us, when in reality, I don't know.
I have someone in my life that makes a lot
(17:43):
more than her partner, but he still makes family decisions
for them, and I think that's super fair and just.
I've seen him make this. He's very masculine, like I've
seen him kind of whether it's her car or not.
We've been out in La, Like he's opening the door,
he's out pumping the gas, he's picking up our check,
he's doing manly things. It might be her fucking crazy
(18:05):
extensive car or whatever the case, but like, it's not
just finances that can make man feel down. And I
guess we forget that a lot. There's so much gender
work conversation, and I honestly hope we don't have it
for a while because I'm a little bit on overloaded it.
But like, yeah, I agree, we don't know what you
can do.
Speaker 4 (18:24):
I would say, hopefully get your husband in therapy as
a way for him to deal with whatever his mind
is causing in terms of the paranoia. We are really
really proud of you for getting a position professionally that
allows you to make that much money as well as
taking your health into consideration and losing two hundred pounds,
because bitch.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
That is incredible and amazing.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
So we hope that your marriage can get over this hump, honestly,
And if you guys have any suggestions, make sure you
write them in the comment, make sure you follow us,
subscribe us, and also make sure you order No Holds Bart,
a dual Manifesto of Sexual Exploration and Power available now
for you to pre order, and it'll be sent out
(19:09):
to you when it drops June and twenty fourth. Anyways,
thank you guys for tuning in too. Another episode of
You've Got Decision, Uh, you Got Decisions girl Bye,
Speaks to the planet.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
I'll go by the name of Charlamagne of God and
guess what, I can't wait to see y'all at the
third annual Black Effect Podcast Festival. That's right, We're coming
back to Atlanta, Georgia, Saturday, April twenty six at Poeman
Yards and it's hosted by none other than Decisions, Decisions,
Mandy B and Weezy. Okay, we got the R and
B Money Podcast with taking Jay Valentine. We got the
Woman of All Podcasts with Sarah Jake Roberts, we got
(00:22):
Good Mom's Bad Choices. Carrie Champion will be there with
her next sports podcast and the Trap Nerds podcast, with
more to be announced. And of course it's bigger than podcasts.
We're bringing the Black Effect Marketplace with black owned businesses,
plus the food truck court to keep you fed while
you visit us. All right, listen, you don't want to
miss this. Tap in and grab your tickets now at
Black Effect dot Com Flash Podcast Festival.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
If you would like to have us answer your questions.
If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or
a terrible throuffle, guess what you've got, Decisions.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
It's humpday.
Speaker 4 (00:59):
Baby, It's Wensday and welcome to another episode of You've
Got Decisions.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Oop, you're humping hope you're unhappy. We're back with another
question of some shit we probably have not the right
answer to, but here we go.
Speaker 4 (01:12):
Well, shout out to one of our Patreon members and
Baby were bringing it right here. And this is a
very interesting question as we've been talking so much about
relationships and all those. Her main question, and I'll get
into her short description. Hear about it, but she said,
how do I show my man that I actually haven't
(01:33):
outgrown him? I love this show, longtime patron and listener.
My husband has started getting in his head about me
leaving him. We've been together ten years since college, and
of course things have changed. I've lost close to two
hundred pounds and I make about one hundred and fifty
thousand more than he does. Wow, girl, he's my best friend,
(01:55):
but these two things.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
That was for the way he lost That was no
shade by the way.
Speaker 4 (01:59):
He's my best friend, but there's these two things have
him irrationally paranoid and it's getting frustrating. We have two
kids together and I think he's amazing, but this paranoia
that I'm gonna leave him for someone better is driving
me crazy. How do I show my man I haven't
outgrown him? This is great because we talk about change
(02:23):
in so many different ways, and so for this to
be not only a physical change, clearly which we all
experience with age, but a financial change in the best
possible way, this is interesting. So I'm gonna throw it
to you all first. But how do you think she
should show up or reassure her man that she's here
(02:47):
and not looking for someone.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
I don't want the boys to answer this person. Then
maybe we I don't really know what to say on
how a man the fragility of this, How would.
Speaker 4 (02:55):
You feel if you're a woman changed her looks drastically
and then also maybe got into a position career wise
where she made one hundred and fifty thousand dollars more and.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
We got to guess that's cool. But how does she
know he feels this way?
Speaker 4 (03:12):
By the way, he said, he's become paranoid and he's expressing.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Uh, she said, getting fine and rich?
Speaker 4 (03:18):
She said, he's his paranoid is showing and he thinks,
which I assume he said, I'm going to quote unquote
leave him for someone better.
Speaker 5 (03:26):
Now we're gonna say drastic, like capital all draft, like,
this is all drastic.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
She lost two hundred pounds, kudos to you. But then also,
I know what he is, I know who it is.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Oh wow.
Speaker 4 (03:37):
And yeah, so those are two drastic changes that maybe
you wouldn't expect to have within a relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
And they've known each other for ten years. I think
for one eden, before you speak real quick, I want
to know, is someone improving her physical appearance something that
would make you feel threatened or make you think they'd
want someone else?
Speaker 5 (04:00):
No, okay, that's the thing. It's like, one, let's go
even with just the weight loss and stuff like that,
that's just bettering yourself in general, not saying that you
can't be in a high saying that, yeah, exactly right.
But I'm saying I understand that some people go through
a weight loss journey for a certain reason. So that's
one thing, right now what Okay, so she got her
money up, which means you know, she got her everything
(04:21):
else up. I truly do believe that there are some
men who get into certain relationships with certain women who
are not in the most wealthy position, right or maybe
even the best best considered a physical condition for them
because they want to feel better than right. Because of that,
(04:42):
I feel like there might be and this is just
a speculation, Nikki, he might feel some type of way
that you are not who you once were before, and
now he might not have the same grasp as he
could have before.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
I saw Aldoman. Her name's the six Footed. I don't
know if you've remember heard from Orlando, but I just
had a dinner with was at a dinner she was
at and I really want to have her on. She's
a lot of opinions that I don't agree with. Some
I do, but I would say she kind of has
a bandy effect of sometimes a lot of her opinions
are just like WHOA. She says something on a podcast
where she said men are dating fat women because they
(05:21):
I guess I'm not quoting her right, but like maybe
she's saying they're more submissive, they'll do whatever they want,
they have less options type of things. So that's why
men are dating iterated service and I hated the options.
But the rot with you, Ed is literally validating them
what you said. That's the thing.
Speaker 5 (05:39):
I don't think it's because I think change in general,
it doesn't mean that she has to be bigger too, smaller.
It could be smaller, bigger, doesn't matter. It could be
going from a hundred, it could be from let's say
eight thousand to one hundred and fifty thousand.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
Right.
Speaker 5 (05:51):
It's the point is that now you don't feel like
you might have the same grasp at that person because
their quality has improved to them. Yeah, because someone could
start losing mad weight and not be happy, So I was.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
Gonna make that happy.
Speaker 4 (06:03):
It's funny because we put this onus on like the
fat woman quote unquote being more subservient or doing whatever.
When kind of what I picked up from what you said,
Eden is this man is insecure and may have felt
more secure in their relationship because of what he thought
society's views on you were as a woman. And now
(06:27):
you've lost this weight, and what is really happening is
not the paranoia that you'll leave, or it is the
paranoia that you'll leave is coming from his own insecurity
because he feels like, damn, now that you look this
way or make a certain amount of money, you have
more options. So what I don't hear people say is that, oh, well,
(06:47):
men may date less attractive or bigger women.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
Because of their own goddamn insecurities.
Speaker 4 (06:53):
Not what these quote unquote fat or ugly women will
do because they're insecure or down and need to settle. Well,
it's the fact that men show up and get something
that makes them feel comfortable as well.
Speaker 5 (07:04):
And I'm gonna be the way, by the way, so
let me just say one thing real quick to clarify,
because I totally understand where you're comeing from from me,
even mentioning that on the show. It could be that
same equation that I'm mentioning now, but different numbers and
variables that we plug it and doesn't have to be.
The fact is that I feel like sometimes certain men
are with certain women or stay with certain women because
of the comfortability, and they're like, you know what, things
(07:26):
are not going to change. I like my girl who
she is now, and you're gonna change on me. You
know what, You're gonna make more money, you gotta feel
happier about yourself now, and you like this.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Is kind of hypothetical.
Speaker 4 (07:39):
And everyone or even Wheezy y'all like thick brawl it
for you. You like thick, voluptuous women. You like a
big stocku man during your relationship. They choose because they
want to feel better for their own reasons.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
They lose weight.
Speaker 4 (07:57):
She now becomes a thin, very in shape track runner,
and your man becomes a little scrawny ass.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
You know, just just thin, lean man, because that's what
they want. Is that not?
Speaker 3 (08:08):
Like?
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Could you as a partner then say you changed what
I like?
Speaker 4 (08:13):
I don't know if I want to stay here anymore.
I know she's leaning into the paranoia, but I'm wondering, too,
is you're smaller?
Speaker 1 (08:22):
That's not what I like? Because I do think you
need to kind of I want to I wear a
hairstyle that my man hates. Let's say he hates the
chunky braids. He likes s get me like standard, just regular,
knot list box breid. He doesn't like big, big, chunky braids.
(08:44):
And I remember I was talking about I might do
it for some episode of sex Cell. He was like,
I hope it's just for that episode. You know, I
don't like that. And I was like, okay, now you're
gonna tell me what they do a nigga. He's like,
I mean, but what do you want to wear? Styles?
I like? Wouldn't I wouldn't wear I wouldn't cut my hair,
didn't die my hair. I know you fucking think that
shit is crazy? Like, shouldn't we be complimenting each other? Yes,
(09:05):
And I gotta be hones yes, and I think there
is a yes and because when it comes to health
it's a little different. But when it comes to appearance.
For example, if your man hated you wearing cargoes, that's
a style you love. It looks cute on you. But
if he's like, I hate when women wear.
Speaker 5 (09:21):
Pants, Oh, you gotta get over it, or that's such
a common thing the way.
Speaker 4 (09:25):
And if he goes and yes, and we talked about it,
it's so funny. I went out to have drinks with
my friend the other day and I had a sun
dress long with flowers.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
He said, I didn't even know you own that.
Speaker 4 (09:38):
I said, sorry that I just like a suid with you, babe,
Like I'll bring the fuck maybe I'll bring the sun dress.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
But I wear what I want to wear when I
want to wear it. Yeah, I guess if you meet
me with a certain style, that's a tough one. But
I think style.
Speaker 4 (09:49):
I do physical appearance in money, I do think physical experience.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
If it's not for health, like if I got a BBL,
my nigga would probably leave me.
Speaker 5 (09:56):
I'm not a lot. It's okay now now, I like
how you said that, right, I will subscribe to the
fact that if I'm with my shorty, I'm happy with
however she is. I will be toxic in the sense
maybe that if my girl wants to go get a
bb or something, I'm like, I don't know why we
got to put you on the knife.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
To make you more beautiful.
Speaker 5 (10:15):
I wouldn't.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
I can't subspect. I love that.
Speaker 4 (10:23):
I want to go back though to the question, especially
as a guy, I will give my advice. How do
I assure my man that I have not outgrown him?
I will tell you now, and I've said it based
off my own experience with an insecure as nigga. You
cannot help an insecure man or an insecure woman feel
(10:46):
more secure about themselves without them doing the work.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
I would say, he needs to go.
Speaker 4 (10:51):
To therapy and work on the things that's triggering him
to make you feel like you'll leave.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
You can literally take him on dates.
Speaker 4 (10:57):
Gift him every week, tell him every man morning that
you love him, Tell him you don't want to be
with anyone else, and the devil on this shoulder will
constantly tell him she's gonna find someone better. There's someone
better than me right now. I feel like the projection
and the paranoi is coming from his own insecurities.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
That he has to work through.
Speaker 5 (11:16):
Agree on that.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Yeah, And I also don't think anything you could do.
I don't think your man is with you because you
looked a certain way like she's married, right, Yeah, I
remember her writing before. But I honestly think sometimes we
just get insecure with self improvement for someone we aren't
doing it for ourselves. And so if you're making more
money and changing your fitness, it could be just like damn,
(11:40):
like I haven't been doing this. This isn't something we
were doing together. A lot of the mirror for people,
a lot of couples, you know, they share fitness goals together,
they're encouraging each other, they're doing things together. So you
may just be making him feel left out. Not to
say you're doing it on purpose, but what's happening to
you is probably making him feel left out. So I
would just do the opposite instead of figuring out how
(12:01):
do I fix it? Is to encourage him to do
the same, Like no matter how you lost weight. We
all know that gym can be helpful. Wanting to go together,
start saying we I want us to be fly, I
want us to have a gold work towards. Let's go
on this cruise, Let's go on this vacation together and
make sure we get here setting goals together. I think
he would feel less left out of it. Yeah, but
money or already fit. Oh, that's a good act.
Speaker 5 (12:26):
That's kind of my thing.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Right, It's like, that's why I even want it. Just
the attraction that he had to That's why rety about
the no, no, no, I don't think this is attraction.
Speaker 5 (12:33):
It could be different equations and different variables, right, it's
of the fact that it's like he does feel like
he's being left out. But to your point, it's some
stuff that he might want.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
To work smaller. Like I would almost bet my life
he isn't fit. If you were with someone who was
super super fit and you made a health change like that,
I really think they would beating man. He give me
a second. Let me, let me, let me, let me
finish my thought. If you were dating someone who's super fit,
(13:04):
I don't see a world where they would feel uncomfortable
with your weight loss more than they would champion it
and feel like you did something that's more in alignment
with them. This is not meaning that someone super fit
can't be with someone that's overweight. I'm just saying if
someone's living that life, they are going to love that people.
And mind you, I own a gym, now, I know
(13:25):
how these people are fucking talking every day they are
seeing this shit so different. Literally to the point where
one of the new girls that works with us, she's
such a cutie talking about what type of man she wants,
first thing on her mound, healthy lifestyle, like I want
to make sure that we're doing this kind of routine
to get like that's how they talk. So if she
was with someone super fit, there wouldn't be a world
where he's like you want someone else now, No, because you,
but it could be.
Speaker 4 (13:46):
It's interesting because it reminds me of like the very
small thing right in terms of the insecurity of a man.
You could put a dress on to go hang out
with your friends, and he looks at that dress and
knows that other men are gonna look at it. He's
gonna want you to take that dress. That's his own insecurity,
projecting at the fact that now other men are going
to be looking at you. That's what I'm saying in
(14:07):
terms of this man's your husband's projection of damn, you
don't lost this weight, Maybe you're gonna get the attention
of more men. And maybe because I'm insecure of how
I'm showing up.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Yes, I think that's true. I think it's just that
I'm really speaking to that fit thing. I think there's
no way. I really don't people that are living a
certain way. When you get to have your partner being
in alignment. Just imagine Wolf. Wolf's been vegan for a while, right,
Imagine he got a girl who's a meati either and
suddenly she wants to become vegan. He's not gonna be like, oh,
what nigga made you change your mind? Hell no, He's
(14:39):
gonna be like, no, now we on the fucking path. See.
Speaker 5 (14:41):
But that's an interesting aspect too, right, can maybe we
can move those variables around. What if it's about eating
lifestyles and stuff like that, But.
Speaker 4 (14:49):
Eating lifestyle doesn't bring about the paranoia or insecurities that
you're going to find someone better.
Speaker 5 (14:54):
I think it's healthier.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
Right.
Speaker 5 (14:55):
Let's say if me and my girl both me eaters.
Now she's doing veganism and she's leading a healthier life.
Speaker 4 (15:01):
A woman living a healthier life and being vegan isn't
gonna bring about your insecurities of another man being better
than me, or you being able to pull different men,
or me feeling inadequate in where I stand in this relationship.
It's physical change. Yeah, there's physical change. And the fact that,
let's be very clear when we talk about men. We
had an episode about the patriarchy, when we talk about
how men show up as the provider, how can I
(15:22):
really be the provider now when you make one hundred
and fifty thousand dollars more.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
To be honest with you, though, I think being that
they've been married for a while, because if I remember
who this is, she's been our patron for a minute.
If it really is money as long as they've been married,
I don't know. I feel like if you're a generous
person in the household, like for example, let's just say
I'm ake okay, she makes one to fifty more. Let's
say he makes one hundred and she makes two fifty.
(15:46):
We're married, I don't know, ten years, maybe we're getting
a different like, yeah, it's like you gonna have to
fucking keep this extra one hundred and fifty thousand in
the talk for myself. We've been married a minute. Fuck no, nigga,
we getting a new.
Speaker 4 (16:00):
And if he was raised like Wolf, I can understand
how now there's insecurities that everything I thought I should.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Be as a man now doesn't align with this emotion.
Whe you think Wolf don't feel about white.
Speaker 4 (16:13):
But I'm saying, as a provider and protector Wolf, your
woman comes and makes one hundred and fifty k, and
mind you. We just had this conversation as well with
a matchmaker who said, I believe you should date someone
who doesn't have more than a thirty thousand dollars difference
because there's gonna be that insecurity of who gets to
tell who what and all those things. Because it's unfortunately
(16:33):
relationships and how you show up in a dynamic is
often rooted in who the breadwinner is.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Who the head of household is.
Speaker 6 (16:40):
Yeah, yeah, I take it a step further. I don't
mind if my woman makes a whole lot more money
than me. Like the type of guy I am a
very dominant So it's more about like mentality and the
frequency between us like, you can make way more money
as long as I don't feel different from the position
I feel most comfortable being in. You know, I don't
feel emasculated because you're making a lot of money. And furthermore,
I want to provide a point that I think it's
(17:02):
very possible that somebody could go through their life being overweight, right,
and then they slim down, and then now they get
attention that they never got before ever in their life.
They got people giving him certain looks, they got people
charming them in a certain way, and I think it's
possible they could fall victims to the abuse of the power.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Yeah, that's crazy. I think that's very possible. I absolutely
agree with you know, I like something you just brought up.
You wouldn't feel emasculated through money. I think we as
women constantly use money as the way that men will
feel emasculated by us, when in reality, I don't know.
I have someone in my life that makes a lot
(17:43):
more than her partner, but he still makes family decisions
for them, and I think that's super fair and just.
I've seen him make this. He's very masculine, like I've
seen him kind of whether it's her car or not.
We've been out in La, Like he's opening the door,
he's out pumping the gas, he's picking up our check,
he's doing manly things. It might be her fucking crazy
(18:05):
extensive car or whatever the case, but like, it's not
just finances that can make man feel down. And I
guess we forget that a lot. There's so much gender
work conversation, and I honestly hope we don't have it
for a while because I'm a little bit on overloaded it.
But like, yeah, I agree, we don't know what you
can do.
Speaker 4 (18:24):
I would say, hopefully get your husband in therapy as
a way for him to deal with whatever his mind
is causing in terms of the paranoia. We are really
really proud of you for getting a position professionally that
allows you to make that much money as well as
taking your health into consideration and losing two hundred pounds,
because bitch.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
That is incredible and amazing.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
So we hope that your marriage can get over this hump, honestly,
And if you guys have any suggestions, make sure you
write them in the comment, make sure you follow us,
subscribe us, and also make sure you order No Holds Bart,
a dual Manifesto of Sexual Exploration and Power available now
for you to pre order, and it'll be sent out
(19:09):
to you when it drops June and twenty fourth. Anyways,
thank you guys for tuning in too. Another episode of
You've Got Decision, Uh, you Got Decisions girl Bye,
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