March 12, 2025 • 23 mins
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Speaks to the planet.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
I'll go by the name of Charlamagne of God and
guess what. I can't wait to see y'all at the
third annual Black Effect Podcast Festival. That's right, We're coming
back to Atlanta, Georgia, Saturday, April twenty six at Poeman
Yards and it's hosted by none other than Decisions, Decisions,
Mandy B and Weezy. Okay, we got the R and
B Money Podcast with taking Jay Valentine. We got the
Woman of All Podcasts with Sarah Jake Roberts, we got
(00:22):
Good Mom's Bad Choices. Carrie Champion will be there with
her next sports podcast and the Trap Nerds podcast with
more to be announced. And of course it's bigger than podcasts.
We're bringing the Black Effect Marketplace with black owned businesses,
plus the food truck court to keep you fed while
you visit us. All right, listen, you.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Don't want to miss this.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Tap in and grab your tickets now at Black Effect
dot Com Flash Podcast Festival.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
If you would like to have us answer your questions.
And you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or
a terrible throuffle, guess what you've got? Decisions, Hey, everybody,
Welcome back for an episode of You Got Decisions. Today,
I'm actually going to be discussing No Holds Barred with
our co author tempest X. So this week you're gonna
(01:08):
get me digging into all of the reasons why I
wanted to write this book, some of the process, some
of the little details, the juicy stuff. And next week
you're gonna get to get Mandy's answers. So enjoy, Sit
back and make sure you pre order this book. Mandy
and I really want to become New York Times bestsellers.
It's so important to us, and so we've been doing
as much as we can to get you as interested
(01:30):
in this book. And it's gonna be crazy because the
second you see us on Oprah, you're gonna be like, no,
I want it, no bidg get it now.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Anyway, get it now, get it right now, because we
want New York Times bestseller, that is it. We want it.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
I feel like if doctor um we're mad, if he'd
be like, y'all want no white Man's list.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Yes we do. We are black. We are black women
who want the white man's list. Because you know why
we're taking over the patriarchy is you take.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
You know that one book out of time.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
Okay, So okay, so let's start with And I don't
really actually even know the answer this, why did you
want to write this book? Like? What motivated you to
want to write this?
Speaker 1 (02:13):
I only wanted to write this book at first because
I thought it was going to be just sex and
I thought, oh well, And I also thought that's the
best way Mandy and I can share ourselves. And I
was really wrong, like very I really thought that this
book would just be a piece of erotica, which I
(02:33):
still think it is in a way. I don't care
what anybody says.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
There are parts that are very erotic.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
But I really was just like, yeah, that'll be great
because now we can tell the long form. And I
also feel like we get really mistaken a lot for
just being so wild and crazy with our sex life,
like there's no real choice behind it. Yes, I was like, yeah,
now people can dig into like how much we've learned
through sex our journeys. Like I really it would just
(03:00):
be super sex sex sex just the story.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
No, you guys are very intentional a lot of the
time about why you choose to have sex.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Yeah, but I didn't think i'd be talking about my
parents or not, I'd be talking about as deep and
dark as stuff. So I just thought I was going
to have a book that would be tangible. And now
my future grandkids are not only embarrassed from the podcast
of the book, and it didn't happen. So why I
wanted to write a book wasn't why I'm proud of
the book now. Why I want to write proud of
(03:28):
the book now. I'm proud of the book now because
I honestly did feel like it was a milestone that
we were deserving of. Yes, I would have been proud
of the book with just sex stories, because I'm proud
of the podcast with just sex stories. I feel like
they're impactful. But it made me more proud because I realized, damn,
we got to get there together. I don't think Mandy
(03:51):
and I get the chance to get that deep. And
even though we didn't get deep together, like in anexperience
with you right there were separate journeys. I did feel
like people got to have a piece of this in
a way that wouldn't existed Without the book. We would
have never have told all that shit on the podcast.
It's way too vulnerable, It's way it is in the
privacy or your own and then sell yourself out.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
So what are some things in the book that surprised
you that you did share.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
I think the thing that surprised me the most was
the Old Bay chapter. I know we talk about that
when we dig into a Decisions Decisions episode, But the
reason it surprised me was because I had to realize
how flawed I was, Like, not just in the book.
If I'm being totally honest with you, I really don't
(04:43):
care if someone picks up this book and calls me
a dumb dumb right, Like, there are so many people
that I care for you No, no, no, for that moment,
right at that moment. Okay, oh my god, it's here
Sel stupid for staying with him. None of that made
me care, right, Like, I'm not scared to reveal certainty tills.
If I was, you wouldn't know my man ate my blood. Like,
I really don't feel that shamed. However, the way that
(05:06):
I see myself, I felt like I was way better
than that. Yeah, So while writing it and even having
a discussion with you guys on the podcast about trying
to save him at the book, that I know I'm
better than you are, and I was like, fuck, how
could I have let that happen. There's so many moments
where I don't know. I guess I believe I'm more
(05:31):
resilient and strong, and I totally believe I could have
been independent. But the comfort of just dating is very
simple and easy. We seriously we see relationships or it's
easier to stay than leave sometimes, and I believe I
was in that scenario of I just don't feel like.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
That relationship was not simplistic or easy in any way.
But the day to day was all right, because from
the perspective of the book, I was like, run away,
get out of there now.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
But what we're we doing every day? I'm on the beach. Yeah,
I'm making meals, but you're watching a movie. You're all laughing. Yeah,
I'm just hurting because I'm doing this torture thing of
let me look through your phone, let me look through
the computer. I see how bad it is, yes, But
when he's in my face, I'm just like, Okay, well,
it's not that bad if he doesn't know I know,
or it's not that bad if it's just behind me.
(06:23):
And it's this weird cycle of torture that I didn't
know I was doing because the thing that felt the
easiest was the day to day. Nothing was feeling hard
about my normal seat with him, the routine. The hard
shit was knowing I was in a situation with him. Man,
that was pretty much Jekyll and Hide.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
I got to see this person every day that I
pretended in my head wasn't wanting to fuck everyone else,
wasn't making plans with that, wasn't lying to me. I
was like, well, right here in this moment at dinner,
he's nice, and that just felt easy.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
But that juckle and hide sort of relationship, I feel
like it is the worst kind of relationship. It is
when you're just always waiting like when is he gonna
flip the switch on me? Like when is it coming?
Like what's coming next? And always sort of being like
in that sick nervous space that can be.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
And the juckal and hide in this instance wasn't him
being violent a yeller. He wasn't like this raid. But
what was the crazy part is that that was my
excuse for being acceptable, right to say, it's just cheating,
it's just lying.
Speaker 3 (07:34):
Because you had been through something that you thought was worse.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Yes, Yeah, measuring up in comparison is the thief of
joy in comparison. Also, in this case, made me delusional. Yeah,
well he's not hurting me physically, so the way he's
hurting me emotionally isn't so bad. And you know what,
I really believe there's a lot of nineteen fifties mindset
of are the bills paid? Is he? I've heard doctor
(08:02):
Oman said about there was a clip we talked about
how horrible he was, like, uh, if my daughter got cheated,
and I would ask, Okay, are you physically safe or
emotionally are the bills paid? Other than that, is he
pretty good deal? And I was like, holy shit, Like no,
but that to me is why I staid, Yeah, somewhere
(08:23):
in my brain, I've learned that.
Speaker 3 (08:24):
Great, but not anymore.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Oh they couldn't you have not even clothes, not even close.
Actually something that I don't know if it's slightly toxic,
but something my partner and I said in the first
year of us dating a lot with a lot of
reaffirming each other, like listen, if I don't like this,
we wouldn't be dating. I'm not going to be somewhere
awhere I'm unhappy, like let's talk about this. This is
(08:46):
stuff that's unacceptable. I don't know if I ever did
that in that last relationship.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
Yeah, okay. I also want to ask you, why do
you think I have a million ideas, but why do
you think this book is relevant right now?
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Like?
Speaker 3 (09:00):
Why should people buy this book immediately? What are they
going to get out of it? And why is it
relevant not only to you and your stories, but to
a wider perspective With everything that's happening right now.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
I think we are an overload of BDSM talk and
of non monogamy talk, and of pre cheat talk. However,
I think reading these real stories, with real road maps
of how I got here, what was good about it,
where you should go next, is why it's relevant. A
lot of times we're taking in all these clips on
(09:37):
the internet or all this info, and it kind of
just feels like, yeah, even when Mandy and I were
on a call last night with the producer that was saying,
oh yeah, well, I just talked to someone on hinge
that facetimeing and told me he was in an ethically
normal long of this relationship, And it's like, is this
just sexy buzzwords? You pick up this book and you
realize this shit started for us a decade ago. This
(10:00):
is my real life.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
I think you guys are the reason that these buzzwords exist.
I think I said to one of you, like when
I when I heard them talking about ethical non monogamy
on Harlem on the series, the television series, I was like, Oh,
now it's totally mainstream.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Is this that recent season?
Speaker 3 (10:19):
Yes, it's the last season, the last season they finally
got into it almost.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
I haven't watched it, but there was a lot of
reference into my current relationship from some people writing me,
and I was like, they must talk about.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
Ethically nonlogama shit.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
They do, Yeah, is it in a healthy way?
Speaker 3 (10:32):
It isn't a healthy way, and it isn't a constructive way.
But I don't think that people realize that without you
guys doing this and opening up these conversations, it wouldn't
be getting out there to the masses finally in a
healthy way.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
Knowing that that chapter happened ethically non monogamous relationship with him,
ethically non monogamous relationship with scissors. After reading some of
that pain in Our Pain section yep, to my current partner,
he was almost like, I can't even believe you can
do this again. I'm like, yo, this is my life. Yeah,
this isn't me on TikTok being like this could work.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
This is a buzzword, yes right.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
No, this is my own pop right now. Yeah, to
the point where sometimes I feel like the internet is
ready to jump down your throat or hate you going
on to breakfast club. Even a few years ago when
we did not just now, people are like, you're lost,
you don't get it, you don't know what this means.
I haven't listened or compared those interviews, but I'm pretty
(11:31):
sure they're probably the same. Indian are smarter, But that
doesn't mean that we just lost this itch for wanting
to live this type of lifestyle. So yeah, this book
is really people that live it, didn't just learn it.
You know.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
Yeah, these are true stories, real stories. It's not just
a bunch of like pop culture. Yes, yeah, mess Okay,
So my next question for you, what was the most
unexpected part of writing this book for you?
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Mmm?
Speaker 3 (12:07):
Part of the process, I guess. Let's talk about the process. Writers.
We like to talk about getting words on.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
The page, you know, the story. We talk about the
our chapter. I started this chapter by saying, oh, I
make everything funny. I'm gonna figure out to make this
rape shit. I'm mean, I can't believe I wrote that,
but yes, to me, I wanted to try to make
it funny because I wanted to try to draw it
(12:35):
together with how I like non consensual consensual sex. Right,
every woman wants to be tied down and taken advantage
of until it happens. Like I thought I was gonna
get a laugh out of that shit with myself, and
I was like, oh you can't.
Speaker 3 (12:46):
Yes. The first time that you handed that chapter in me,
I was like, oh, no, this is not this is
not it. The interesting thing is there are moments and
recollections that you have that are funny within the chapter,
which is incredible. Well, yes, like when he fell the
song that's playing, like yeah, the weird little memories that
(13:11):
you have that are like that really ground it and
make it real. But there's nothing funny about it. And
I think us really pulling back and me being like, no,
do you.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Know what that chapter? Oh, this was the unexpected. I
had this conversation with Charlemagne that story is about a
famous person, yes, And I asked him like, do you
think if I give this one detail about the city
he's from or whatever, people will know. And if I
do it, am I gonna face this thing of like, oh,
she wants this book to be famous. Oh, she's telling
(13:41):
this story because she wants it to be popularized. He's
so easy. That's every girl that tells the sexual story. Yes,
every girl in the world that tells her story. They
don't say that too, So either do it or don't.
But you know that's coming either way.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
But then he also say to you, why do you
care what he thinks? Yes, why do you care? As
a woman the person who assaulted you, Who cares if
he's there or not. It's actually not about him.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Oh, because I mentioned I don't want him to think
I'm trying to sue him or some shit now because
I really don't care. It was weird, But oh the
thing I was gonna say to you when we were
writing it, you were like, but didn't this happen? I
thought you told me this from when we recorded it. Yes,
something It made me realize. You know how they say
assault victims can't can't recall memories right.
Speaker 3 (14:27):
Block things out.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Yes, I don't even remember what I said to you
in the recording. And I realized some details come back,
some don't. Timpists had to correct me on something. I'm like, actually, no,
maybe I said it, but maybe that wasn't it.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
What's scary about that is I'm not lying about the story. No,
you're not, but pieces aren't coming together for me. Imagine
somebody that's trying to fight for their life in court, Well,
they can't fucking get this story straight.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
They can't remember everything. I mean, it's very natural for
you to associate if you're going through something like that.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
There was another up memory. It came to me after
we were writing it. There was Domino's pizza that was
open on the edge of like the dresser and I
remember when I was like when he left or whatever, like,
and I was in the room because I think I
just fell asleep. I remember calling my friend that was
downstairs and there to eat it with me, and I
didn't tell her phone, like any what it was. So
(15:19):
it's just all this shit.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
I didn't can I tell everyone? But now that we're
doing these interviews, there are so many things that I
wish we had put in this book.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
You know what made it hard to not put in
this book? What part of the writing process was structure.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
But you know me, I'll the Dominot shit, I do,
I know, especially with the way that it starts with
you eating the pizza before you even go.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
Yes, it would have worked perfectly.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
You ordered it again, I ordered it with him, That's
why I was there.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
Yeah, So just saying like I would have fit it in.
But but good to know, good to know, book, next book.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
But a lot of I say all this to say
there is a real thing of blacking out trauma, being
difficult to remember pieces coming together. Yes, and since we
wrote that chapter, I'm actually going to try doing hypnosis
this summer.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
Oh you are, That's going to be really you know what.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
I want to remember what what the women look like
at the front desk, you know, I would like to
find her. I want to remember the date, and I
want to remember some of that, but I can't. I
cannot place it at all. Yeah, but apparently I started
looking it up, just the blackout shit, because it really
started to make me embarrassed because I'm like, holy shit, right,
(16:42):
I'm like, well maybe I was. This is even more sad.
Was I too drunk and the sex was consensual?
Speaker 3 (16:49):
At for?
Speaker 1 (16:49):
No? No, that's what you start thinking, right, No, so
I think a lot of women have gone through this,
and so the hypnosis. Yeah, I really want to try it.
I want to see what else uncovered. But I know
this story is real because the next day when I
told the people that I told his bandmates, Yes that
I told Yeah, it was a tough that was tough.
Speaker 3 (17:10):
Yeah, yeah, that was that was tough even to work
well ended good Jesus, Yeah you did. Yeah. All right,
let's let's bring some levity. So let's talk about a
chapter that you like that was uplifting and fun to write. Like,
let's talk about something that was super fun for you
to be besides, I would say the love chapter, the
(17:33):
coucie eating. Of course.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
There was too much. I just remember thinking. You said
to me one day, I'm like, I feel like I'm
getting stuck, and I'm telling him the same. You said
something along the lines of like, try to describe the set,
how things look, how you felt.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
I was like, how did she taste?
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Like?
Speaker 3 (17:50):
What about that?
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Was so crazy when you said that? Why? Because I
just be thinking about your husband and your dogs in
the background, being like, what is she on a work zonone?
Speaker 3 (17:57):
You know, I had you before I had a husband,
I had a lot of things happening, so he's not confused.
It just still he knows all the things his wife
has done.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
But when you said the taste, I was like, all right,
dun't r. Yeah, but I did. Yeah, and yeah there
was a chapter. Well I ended up masturbating halfway.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Yes, you stopped that you masturbated, and we actually put
a little call out to how exciting.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
Yes, you guys won't know what chapter that is, because
I'd tell you. But uh, my favorite chapter to write
was the love chapter because it was an unexpected chapter
and it was so my brain of jumping around. Yeah,
telling that story. I really like abstract writing. One of
my favorite books ever is Widow Bosciocht. Oh and she
(18:41):
jumps around.
Speaker 3 (18:42):
I love those kinds of books too.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Fuck that was good. And also it's so not what
love looks like in a fairy tale sense, but I
really feel like I have a fairy tale love. I
also feel like celebrating that love on the podcast is
something that's difficult to do because, boy one, you don't
(19:05):
want to necessarily share so much happiness with an audience
that may be like you felt like this before, you know. Oh,
but I'm in a new phase in my life, a
new phase with my family, dynamics, my age. I actually
had a freak out moment on my tailand trip because
he turned to me and said, yeah, I think I'm
(19:25):
ready in two or three years, and I'm like for
what who? He's like the baby. I started crying and
he was like, why are you crying? I was like,
because this is a real, real yap. Yes, we just
did money last night. I was really like, you can
have all of the things. And I never really had
an intentional person. I don't know if it's because I
(19:47):
can't pick them, but the only other person that really
wanted family planning with me was the scissors. So it
was nice to be at this age where I'm writing
this book last year all about how I fucked this up?
But did I fuck it up? But it's like, no,
I just wasn't ready then at that age you weren't,
and so now I'm hearing it at thirty four years old, like, Okay.
Speaker 3 (20:10):
You're ready. That's really beautiful. Oh girl, Okay, so.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Can you imagine yes, tell me too, yes, but not
that party.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
Okay. So what do you think readers will be surprised
by and then let's wrap it up with that question.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
I think readers will be surprised at many and I depth, yes.
I don't even want to speak for myself here because
I don't think anything is so surprising about one thing
about me one thing about her. I think collectively, when
you read these chapters, you're like, damn, I also feel
like you gave two podcasters a book. Whatever. I think
you'll be surprised and how much of a book it is,
(20:53):
didn't evendn't realize it really until reading off the sections
for progression. Mandy and I both tell a story about
sugaring money, having sex, money, boom boom together, Like things
flow so beautifully to be written by two different people,
and it feels so easy to get through, Like.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
Yeah, it's it is an easy book to read.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
Yeah, not in a way of it's like written elementary.
Speaker 3 (21:19):
No no, not right, No, it's not. No, it's not
an elementary kind of way. But it's like it takes
you on so many different journeys that that's why I
think it's so interesting me too.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Yeah, Literally, every time I send someone a chapter, I
sent stuff to Brook Devard's Goldwyn just other women. You
guys may know that I've been on the show where
we've worked with or something and they've all been like, damn,
that took me on a ride. Yes, And I love
hearing that.
Speaker 3 (21:45):
Yes, that's what good writing does.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
And thank you so much for even just being on
the ride, because I know I don't believe I think
separately we may be great to work with, but as
a duo sometimes it's so much to hear at once,
so many different opinions, a lot of energy, and I'm
really grateful that like you were able to give your
best version to us every single time.
Speaker 3 (22:09):
I love working with you both, and I like if
I don't get to work with different kinds of people
on board, so it's lovely to work with different.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
What the fuck did that mean? I got the crazy
so I had fun?
Speaker 3 (22:18):
Yeah, basically I used to be a hip hop manager,
so you know you guys easy easy breezy.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Really yes, thank you, So buy volume one now. We
got so many volumes pre ordered, no holds bart. It's
really important to us to get pre orders in so
please support the links in this description. And also, like
Tempest said in our episode, keep the receipts because they
me we got some shit coming up.
Speaker 3 (22:45):
Me.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
You ain't got the receeat bit. You ain't gonna get in.
Speaker 3 (22:46):
You ain't gonna get it, you ain't getting into the
all the free stuff, all magic.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
And one person that pre order is gonna have sex
with me. I'm just kidding. Wait what, I don't know.
I might throw it in there, might for fun. I
know fans have fucked me. That's part of the stories.
Let's see what happens to keep your recite bye. What
we gotta get the wars that's depend
Speaker 3 (23:17):
M
Speaks to the planet.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
I'll go by the name of Charlamagne of God and
guess what. I can't wait to see y'all at the
third annual Black Effect Podcast Festival. That's right, We're coming
back to Atlanta, Georgia, Saturday, April twenty six at Poeman
Yards and it's hosted by none other than Decisions, Decisions,
Mandy B and Weezy. Okay, we got the R and
B Money Podcast with taking Jay Valentine. We got the
Woman of All Podcasts with Sarah Jake Roberts, we got
(00:22):
Good Mom's Bad Choices. Carrie Champion will be there with
her next sports podcast and the Trap Nerds podcast with
more to be announced. And of course it's bigger than podcasts.
We're bringing the Black Effect Marketplace with black owned businesses,
plus the food truck court to keep you fed while
you visit us. All right, listen, you.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Don't want to miss this.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Tap in and grab your tickets now at Black Effect
dot Com Flash Podcast Festival.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
If you would like to have us answer your questions.
And you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or
a terrible throuffle, guess what you've got? Decisions, Hey, everybody,
Welcome back for an episode of You Got Decisions. Today,
I'm actually going to be discussing No Holds Barred with
our co author tempest X. So this week you're gonna
(01:08):
get me digging into all of the reasons why I
wanted to write this book, some of the process, some
of the little details, the juicy stuff. And next week
you're gonna get to get Mandy's answers. So enjoy, Sit
back and make sure you pre order this book. Mandy
and I really want to become New York Times bestsellers.
It's so important to us, and so we've been doing
as much as we can to get you as interested
(01:30):
in this book. And it's gonna be crazy because the
second you see us on Oprah, you're gonna be like, no,
I want it, no bidg get it now.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Anyway, get it now, get it right now, because we
want New York Times bestseller, that is it. We want it.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
I feel like if doctor um we're mad, if he'd
be like, y'all want no white Man's list.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Yes we do. We are black. We are black women
who want the white man's list. Because you know why
we're taking over the patriarchy is you take.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
You know that one book out of time.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
Okay, So okay, so let's start with And I don't
really actually even know the answer this, why did you
want to write this book? Like? What motivated you to
want to write this?
Speaker 1 (02:13):
I only wanted to write this book at first because
I thought it was going to be just sex and
I thought, oh well, And I also thought that's the
best way Mandy and I can share ourselves. And I
was really wrong, like very I really thought that this
book would just be a piece of erotica, which I
(02:33):
still think it is in a way. I don't care
what anybody says.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
There are parts that are very erotic.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
But I really was just like, yeah, that'll be great
because now we can tell the long form. And I
also feel like we get really mistaken a lot for
just being so wild and crazy with our sex life,
like there's no real choice behind it. Yes, I was like, yeah,
now people can dig into like how much we've learned
through sex our journeys. Like I really it would just
(03:00):
be super sex sex sex just the story.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
No, you guys are very intentional a lot of the
time about why you choose to have sex.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Yeah, but I didn't think i'd be talking about my
parents or not, I'd be talking about as deep and
dark as stuff. So I just thought I was going
to have a book that would be tangible. And now
my future grandkids are not only embarrassed from the podcast
of the book, and it didn't happen. So why I
wanted to write a book wasn't why I'm proud of
the book now. Why I want to write proud of
(03:28):
the book now. I'm proud of the book now because
I honestly did feel like it was a milestone that
we were deserving of. Yes, I would have been proud
of the book with just sex stories, because I'm proud
of the podcast with just sex stories. I feel like
they're impactful. But it made me more proud because I realized, damn,
we got to get there together. I don't think Mandy
(03:51):
and I get the chance to get that deep. And
even though we didn't get deep together, like in anexperience
with you right there were separate journeys. I did feel
like people got to have a piece of this in
a way that wouldn't existed Without the book. We would
have never have told all that shit on the podcast.
It's way too vulnerable, It's way it is in the
privacy or your own and then sell yourself out.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
So what are some things in the book that surprised
you that you did share.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
I think the thing that surprised me the most was
the Old Bay chapter. I know we talk about that
when we dig into a Decisions Decisions episode, But the
reason it surprised me was because I had to realize
how flawed I was, Like, not just in the book.
If I'm being totally honest with you, I really don't
(04:43):
care if someone picks up this book and calls me
a dumb dumb right, Like, there are so many people
that I care for you No, no, no, for that moment,
right at that moment. Okay, oh my god, it's here
Sel stupid for staying with him. None of that made
me care, right, Like, I'm not scared to reveal certainty tills.
If I was, you wouldn't know my man ate my blood. Like,
I really don't feel that shamed. However, the way that
(05:06):
I see myself, I felt like I was way better
than that. Yeah, So while writing it and even having
a discussion with you guys on the podcast about trying
to save him at the book, that I know I'm
better than you are, and I was like, fuck, how
could I have let that happen. There's so many moments
where I don't know. I guess I believe I'm more
(05:31):
resilient and strong, and I totally believe I could have
been independent. But the comfort of just dating is very
simple and easy. We seriously we see relationships or it's
easier to stay than leave sometimes, and I believe I
was in that scenario of I just don't feel like.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
That relationship was not simplistic or easy in any way.
But the day to day was all right, because from
the perspective of the book, I was like, run away,
get out of there now.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
But what we're we doing every day? I'm on the beach. Yeah,
I'm making meals, but you're watching a movie. You're all laughing. Yeah,
I'm just hurting because I'm doing this torture thing of
let me look through your phone, let me look through
the computer. I see how bad it is, yes, But
when he's in my face, I'm just like, Okay, well,
it's not that bad if he doesn't know I know,
or it's not that bad if it's just behind me.
(06:23):
And it's this weird cycle of torture that I didn't
know I was doing because the thing that felt the
easiest was the day to day. Nothing was feeling hard
about my normal seat with him, the routine. The hard
shit was knowing I was in a situation with him. Man,
that was pretty much Jekyll and Hide.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
I got to see this person every day that I
pretended in my head wasn't wanting to fuck everyone else,
wasn't making plans with that, wasn't lying to me. I
was like, well, right here in this moment at dinner,
he's nice, and that just felt easy.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
But that juckle and hide sort of relationship, I feel
like it is the worst kind of relationship. It is
when you're just always waiting like when is he gonna
flip the switch on me? Like when is it coming?
Like what's coming next? And always sort of being like
in that sick nervous space that can be.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
And the juckal and hide in this instance wasn't him
being violent a yeller. He wasn't like this raid. But
what was the crazy part is that that was my
excuse for being acceptable, right to say, it's just cheating,
it's just lying.
Speaker 3 (07:34):
Because you had been through something that you thought was worse.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Yes, Yeah, measuring up in comparison is the thief of
joy in comparison. Also, in this case, made me delusional. Yeah,
well he's not hurting me physically, so the way he's
hurting me emotionally isn't so bad. And you know what,
I really believe there's a lot of nineteen fifties mindset
of are the bills paid? Is he? I've heard doctor
(08:02):
Oman said about there was a clip we talked about
how horrible he was, like, uh, if my daughter got cheated,
and I would ask, Okay, are you physically safe or
emotionally are the bills paid? Other than that, is he
pretty good deal? And I was like, holy shit, Like no,
but that to me is why I staid, Yeah, somewhere
(08:23):
in my brain, I've learned that.
Speaker 3 (08:24):
Great, but not anymore.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Oh they couldn't you have not even clothes, not even close.
Actually something that I don't know if it's slightly toxic,
but something my partner and I said in the first
year of us dating a lot with a lot of
reaffirming each other, like listen, if I don't like this,
we wouldn't be dating. I'm not going to be somewhere
awhere I'm unhappy, like let's talk about this. This is
(08:46):
stuff that's unacceptable. I don't know if I ever did
that in that last relationship.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
Yeah, okay. I also want to ask you, why do
you think I have a million ideas, but why do
you think this book is relevant right now?
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Like?
Speaker 3 (09:00):
Why should people buy this book immediately? What are they
going to get out of it? And why is it
relevant not only to you and your stories, but to
a wider perspective With everything that's happening right now.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
I think we are an overload of BDSM talk and
of non monogamy talk, and of pre cheat talk. However,
I think reading these real stories, with real road maps
of how I got here, what was good about it,
where you should go next, is why it's relevant. A
lot of times we're taking in all these clips on
(09:37):
the internet or all this info, and it kind of
just feels like, yeah, even when Mandy and I were
on a call last night with the producer that was saying,
oh yeah, well, I just talked to someone on hinge
that facetimeing and told me he was in an ethically
normal long of this relationship, And it's like, is this
just sexy buzzwords? You pick up this book and you
realize this shit started for us a decade ago. This
(10:00):
is my real life.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
I think you guys are the reason that these buzzwords exist.
I think I said to one of you, like when
I when I heard them talking about ethical non monogamy
on Harlem on the series, the television series, I was like, Oh,
now it's totally mainstream.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Is this that recent season?
Speaker 3 (10:19):
Yes, it's the last season, the last season they finally
got into it almost.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
I haven't watched it, but there was a lot of
reference into my current relationship from some people writing me,
and I was like, they must talk about.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
Ethically nonlogama shit.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
They do, Yeah, is it in a healthy way?
Speaker 3 (10:32):
It isn't a healthy way, and it isn't a constructive way.
But I don't think that people realize that without you
guys doing this and opening up these conversations, it wouldn't
be getting out there to the masses finally in a
healthy way.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
Knowing that that chapter happened ethically non monogamous relationship with him,
ethically non monogamous relationship with scissors. After reading some of
that pain in Our Pain section yep, to my current partner,
he was almost like, I can't even believe you can
do this again. I'm like, yo, this is my life. Yeah,
this isn't me on TikTok being like this could work.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
This is a buzzword, yes right.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
No, this is my own pop right now. Yeah, to
the point where sometimes I feel like the internet is
ready to jump down your throat or hate you going
on to breakfast club. Even a few years ago when
we did not just now, people are like, you're lost,
you don't get it, you don't know what this means.
I haven't listened or compared those interviews, but I'm pretty
(11:31):
sure they're probably the same. Indian are smarter, But that
doesn't mean that we just lost this itch for wanting
to live this type of lifestyle. So yeah, this book
is really people that live it, didn't just learn it.
You know.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
Yeah, these are true stories, real stories. It's not just
a bunch of like pop culture. Yes, yeah, mess Okay,
So my next question for you, what was the most
unexpected part of writing this book for you?
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Mmm?
Speaker 3 (12:07):
Part of the process, I guess. Let's talk about the process. Writers.
We like to talk about getting words on.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
The page, you know, the story. We talk about the
our chapter. I started this chapter by saying, oh, I
make everything funny. I'm gonna figure out to make this
rape shit. I'm mean, I can't believe I wrote that,
but yes, to me, I wanted to try to make
it funny because I wanted to try to draw it
(12:35):
together with how I like non consensual consensual sex. Right,
every woman wants to be tied down and taken advantage
of until it happens. Like I thought I was gonna
get a laugh out of that shit with myself, and
I was like, oh you can't.
Speaker 3 (12:46):
Yes. The first time that you handed that chapter in me,
I was like, oh, no, this is not this is
not it. The interesting thing is there are moments and
recollections that you have that are funny within the chapter,
which is incredible. Well, yes, like when he fell the
song that's playing, like yeah, the weird little memories that
(13:11):
you have that are like that really ground it and
make it real. But there's nothing funny about it. And
I think us really pulling back and me being like, no,
do you.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Know what that chapter? Oh, this was the unexpected. I
had this conversation with Charlemagne that story is about a
famous person, yes, And I asked him like, do you
think if I give this one detail about the city
he's from or whatever, people will know. And if I
do it, am I gonna face this thing of like, oh,
she wants this book to be famous. Oh, she's telling
(13:41):
this story because she wants it to be popularized. He's
so easy. That's every girl that tells the sexual story. Yes,
every girl in the world that tells her story. They
don't say that too, So either do it or don't.
But you know that's coming either way.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
But then he also say to you, why do you
care what he thinks? Yes, why do you care? As
a woman the person who assaulted you, Who cares if
he's there or not. It's actually not about him.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Oh, because I mentioned I don't want him to think
I'm trying to sue him or some shit now because
I really don't care. It was weird, But oh the
thing I was gonna say to you when we were
writing it, you were like, but didn't this happen? I
thought you told me this from when we recorded it. Yes,
something It made me realize. You know how they say
assault victims can't can't recall memories right.
Speaker 3 (14:27):
Block things out.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Yes, I don't even remember what I said to you
in the recording. And I realized some details come back,
some don't. Timpists had to correct me on something. I'm like, actually, no,
maybe I said it, but maybe that wasn't it.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
What's scary about that is I'm not lying about the story. No,
you're not, but pieces aren't coming together for me. Imagine
somebody that's trying to fight for their life in court, Well,
they can't fucking get this story straight.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
They can't remember everything. I mean, it's very natural for
you to associate if you're going through something like that.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
There was another up memory. It came to me after
we were writing it. There was Domino's pizza that was
open on the edge of like the dresser and I
remember when I was like when he left or whatever, like,
and I was in the room because I think I
just fell asleep. I remember calling my friend that was
downstairs and there to eat it with me, and I
didn't tell her phone, like any what it was. So
(15:19):
it's just all this shit.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
I didn't can I tell everyone? But now that we're
doing these interviews, there are so many things that I
wish we had put in this book.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
You know what made it hard to not put in
this book? What part of the writing process was structure.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
But you know me, I'll the Dominot shit, I do,
I know, especially with the way that it starts with
you eating the pizza before you even go.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
Yes, it would have worked perfectly.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
You ordered it again, I ordered it with him, That's
why I was there.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
Yeah, So just saying like I would have fit it in.
But but good to know, good to know, book, next book.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
But a lot of I say all this to say
there is a real thing of blacking out trauma, being
difficult to remember pieces coming together. Yes, and since we
wrote that chapter, I'm actually going to try doing hypnosis
this summer.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
Oh you are, That's going to be really you know what.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
I want to remember what what the women look like
at the front desk, you know, I would like to
find her. I want to remember the date, and I
want to remember some of that, but I can't. I
cannot place it at all. Yeah, but apparently I started
looking it up, just the blackout shit, because it really
started to make me embarrassed because I'm like, holy shit, right,
(16:42):
I'm like, well maybe I was. This is even more sad.
Was I too drunk and the sex was consensual?
Speaker 3 (16:49):
At for?
Speaker 1 (16:49):
No? No, that's what you start thinking, right, No, so
I think a lot of women have gone through this,
and so the hypnosis. Yeah, I really want to try it.
I want to see what else uncovered. But I know
this story is real because the next day when I
told the people that I told his bandmates, Yes that
I told Yeah, it was a tough that was tough.
Speaker 3 (17:10):
Yeah, yeah, that was that was tough even to work
well ended good Jesus, Yeah you did. Yeah. All right,
let's let's bring some levity. So let's talk about a
chapter that you like that was uplifting and fun to write. Like,
let's talk about something that was super fun for you
to be besides, I would say the love chapter, the
(17:33):
coucie eating. Of course.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
There was too much. I just remember thinking. You said
to me one day, I'm like, I feel like I'm
getting stuck, and I'm telling him the same. You said
something along the lines of like, try to describe the set,
how things look, how you felt.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
I was like, how did she taste?
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Like?
Speaker 3 (17:50):
What about that?
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Was so crazy when you said that? Why? Because I
just be thinking about your husband and your dogs in
the background, being like, what is she on a work zonone?
Speaker 3 (17:57):
You know, I had you before I had a husband,
I had a lot of things happening, so he's not confused.
It just still he knows all the things his wife
has done.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
But when you said the taste, I was like, all right,
dun't r. Yeah, but I did. Yeah, and yeah there
was a chapter. Well I ended up masturbating halfway.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Yes, you stopped that you masturbated, and we actually put
a little call out to how exciting.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
Yes, you guys won't know what chapter that is, because
I'd tell you. But uh, my favorite chapter to write
was the love chapter because it was an unexpected chapter
and it was so my brain of jumping around. Yeah,
telling that story. I really like abstract writing. One of
my favorite books ever is Widow Bosciocht. Oh and she
(18:41):
jumps around.
Speaker 3 (18:42):
I love those kinds of books too.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Fuck that was good. And also it's so not what
love looks like in a fairy tale sense, but I
really feel like I have a fairy tale love. I
also feel like celebrating that love on the podcast is
something that's difficult to do because, boy one, you don't
(19:05):
want to necessarily share so much happiness with an audience
that may be like you felt like this before, you know. Oh,
but I'm in a new phase in my life, a
new phase with my family, dynamics, my age. I actually
had a freak out moment on my tailand trip because
he turned to me and said, yeah, I think I'm
(19:25):
ready in two or three years, and I'm like for
what who? He's like the baby. I started crying and
he was like, why are you crying? I was like,
because this is a real, real yap. Yes, we just
did money last night. I was really like, you can
have all of the things. And I never really had
an intentional person. I don't know if it's because I
(19:47):
can't pick them, but the only other person that really
wanted family planning with me was the scissors. So it
was nice to be at this age where I'm writing
this book last year all about how I fucked this up?
But did I fuck it up? But it's like, no,
I just wasn't ready then at that age you weren't,
and so now I'm hearing it at thirty four years old, like, Okay.
Speaker 3 (20:10):
You're ready. That's really beautiful. Oh girl, Okay, so.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Can you imagine yes, tell me too, yes, but not
that party.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
Okay. So what do you think readers will be surprised
by and then let's wrap it up with that question.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
I think readers will be surprised at many and I depth, yes.
I don't even want to speak for myself here because
I don't think anything is so surprising about one thing
about me one thing about her. I think collectively, when
you read these chapters, you're like, damn, I also feel
like you gave two podcasters a book. Whatever. I think
you'll be surprised and how much of a book it is,
(20:53):
didn't evendn't realize it really until reading off the sections
for progression. Mandy and I both tell a story about
sugaring money, having sex, money, boom boom together, Like things
flow so beautifully to be written by two different people,
and it feels so easy to get through, Like.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
Yeah, it's it is an easy book to read.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
Yeah, not in a way of it's like written elementary.
Speaker 3 (21:19):
No no, not right, No, it's not. No, it's not
an elementary kind of way. But it's like it takes
you on so many different journeys that that's why I
think it's so interesting me too.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Yeah, Literally, every time I send someone a chapter, I
sent stuff to Brook Devard's Goldwyn just other women. You
guys may know that I've been on the show where
we've worked with or something and they've all been like, damn,
that took me on a ride. Yes, And I love
hearing that.
Speaker 3 (21:45):
Yes, that's what good writing does.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
And thank you so much for even just being on
the ride, because I know I don't believe I think
separately we may be great to work with, but as
a duo sometimes it's so much to hear at once,
so many different opinions, a lot of energy, and I'm
really grateful that like you were able to give your
best version to us every single time.
Speaker 3 (22:09):
I love working with you both, and I like if
I don't get to work with different kinds of people
on board, so it's lovely to work with different.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
What the fuck did that mean? I got the crazy
so I had fun?
Speaker 3 (22:18):
Yeah, basically I used to be a hip hop manager,
so you know you guys easy easy breezy.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Really yes, thank you, So buy volume one now. We
got so many volumes pre ordered, no holds bart. It's
really important to us to get pre orders in so
please support the links in this description. And also, like
Tempest said in our episode, keep the receipts because they
me we got some shit coming up.
Speaker 3 (22:45):
Me.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
You ain't got the receeat bit. You ain't gonna get in.
Speaker 3 (22:46):
You ain't gonna get it, you ain't getting into the
all the free stuff, all magic.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
And one person that pre order is gonna have sex
with me. I'm just kidding. Wait what, I don't know.
I might throw it in there, might for fun. I
know fans have fucked me. That's part of the stories.
Let's see what happens to keep your recite bye. What
we gotta get the wars that's depend
Speaker 3 (23:17):
M
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