Brian Burnett: Therapy duel!

Leslie immediately felt connected to Brian Burnett, so she was thrilled to sit down with him and not only hear his story of recovery, but hear him couch her!

Hosted by Leslie Dobson. Produced and edited by Liam Billingham. Mixed by Aaron Dalton.

Executive producers are Paul Anderson and Scott McCarthy for Workhouse Media.

The views expressed in this podcast episode are solely those of the guest speaker and do not reflect the views of the host or the production company.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:09):
Okay, you're here. My name is doctor Leslie, and this
is intentionally disturbing. My guest today is Brian Burnett. I
wanted to have Brian on because I immediately met him
and felt connected to him. He is an incredible human
being and now he is a coach. So in our

(00:29):
talk you get to see him coach me through a
difficult time and how magical he is. But in addition
to that, Brian has been through some major shit. He
had a long addiction with crystal meth and fetamine, major
disturbing health problems. He came out as gay, he met
the love of his life, and he's turned everything around.

(00:50):
I want you to meet Brian and I want you
to see his resiliency and his capacity in action.

Speaker 2 (01:01):
You're here.

Speaker 1 (01:06):
Well, okay, we'll just keep talking and we'll just record
and then we'll edit it up.

Speaker 2 (01:10):
Okay, Okay, that sounds good. Okay, can I give you
some support? Get out of your head about it?

Speaker 1 (01:17):
Can you give me support?

Speaker 2 (01:18):
Yeah? Get your out of your head about it?

Speaker 1 (01:20):
Okay? Can you coach me a little? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (01:24):
So what's your intention, like, what was your original intention around.

Speaker 1 (01:26):
This inviting you on the podcast or the whole podcast?

Speaker 2 (01:30):
The whole pot, the whole theme, the whole mission, the
whole vision. Oh I like this.

Speaker 1 (01:34):
The coach is coaching, Yeah I do, I know.

Speaker 2 (01:37):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (01:40):
My intention was to give a platform to people to
share their stories. But with each person a story is
something the rest of the world can resonate with in
some way. And so out of fifty plus episodes a year,
we have this ability to share different personalities, traumas, struggles,

(02:06):
particularly disturbing ones because I can I can hold the room,
I can hold the person for those disturbing womans and
that content because of my job.

Speaker 2 (02:19):
So what do you feel like is getting in the
way of that.

Speaker 1 (02:24):
The guests?

Speaker 2 (02:26):
Well, so if the guest has a story that you
brought them on for a reason, like what's as the therapist,
what is it that you get to bring into the
space that maybe they're not so they feel comfortable coming
into the space and being seen. Right, I actually.

Speaker 1 (02:40):
Should take that back because I think it's me getting
in the way totally.

Speaker 2 (02:45):
Yeah, I know, you're the common denominator. Yeah yeah, what
do you think.

Speaker 1 (02:53):
That I can see people's vulnerabilities rise up?

Speaker 2 (02:56):
Okay, and I feel bad.

Speaker 1 (03:00):
On camera poking at it, like I don't like a
lot of interviewers who will like literally go to skid row,
pick someone up who's high, give them a hundred bucks
for an interview, and then get a million views on YouTube. Okay,
And that voyeurism, to me is is misplaced.

Speaker 2 (03:23):
Got it? So instead of poking the vulnerability, could you
hold the vulnerability? Yes? What that looks like?

Speaker 1 (03:38):
I think maybe mentioning that I see it and offering
a place to discuss it, and maybe just calling out
the fact that there are cameras and the production crew
and it's a hard place to feel vulnerable and stay
in it.

Speaker 2 (03:55):
Got it? Would that work? What are you noticing in
that conversation right now? Yeah?

Speaker 1 (04:03):
For old school I don't even like old conversation.

Speaker 2 (04:05):
It's not like world will we go?

Speaker 1 (04:11):
That would be really nice if that could happen?

Speaker 2 (04:14):
Well, who's that up to.

Speaker 1 (04:18):
It's up to me?

Speaker 2 (04:21):
Yeah, honestly. I mean, you know, I'm a group facilitator,
and so at the end of the day, they'll only
go as far as I'm willing to go in that moment.
And if I'm not uncomfortable, and if I'm not shitting
on some level right shitting, then I that I know
I'm not going far enough.

Speaker 1 (04:39):
Like shitting your pants or shitting on someone.

Speaker 2 (04:42):
That's past lives. Uh, this life. No, I'm in like
literally when when I'm in a group and I'm leading
a group and and I'm pushing someone and i can
see that they're getting in that space, then I'm uncomfortable
and I'm afraid almost, And then that's where I'm like, Okay,
that's where I'm going because now I'm uncomfortable, which now
means they're going to be uncomfortable with me, and then

(05:04):
we're going through it together. Does that make sense?

Speaker 1 (05:07):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (05:07):
And then like it doesn't have to be be poking
at them, it's me going Okay, this is got to
fucking just that. Why can we do these together and
then figure out what that looks like and then holding
it with compassion and vulnerability, but also with like, I
don't know, I used to think love was like this
gushy warm thing. It's not. Love can look like me
taking it and just using a sledgehammer and going fucking

(05:29):
get over it right in these situations and so yeah,
I mean that that's my invitation is like if you're afraid,
they'll be afraid, and you'll always know how you're showing
up based off of how they're showing up. Does it
make sense?

Speaker 1 (05:43):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (05:44):
What what does that look like for you? How would you
push that for you?

Speaker 1 (05:47):
Well, I think reminding myself of my stimulus value.

Speaker 2 (05:51):
Yeah. Yeah, I'm excited to sit down with you. I'm like,
I want you to push me honestly or whatever you
want to call it, poked But what value one do?

Speaker 1 (06:00):
Right whatever, I'll hold you and push you.

Speaker 2 (06:08):
Amas.

Speaker 1 (06:10):
Tell me that like therapist talk like you mean, like
you're a coach. Yeah, tell Like the conversation we just
had right now is unique for me. I don't meet
a lot of people who I can talk with or
we talked to or talk to like that. Okay, how

(06:30):
do you get so comfortable in your skin?

Speaker 2 (06:35):
Don't about me? Yeah, I learned a long time ago. Like, look,
I'm a gay male. Grew up in Oklahoma. Uh beat
up three times for being a faggot principal U. I
said it was my fault. I got beat up because
I was gay. Yeah, my god. Yeah, And so all
of that happens in my life. At the end of

(06:56):
the day, I remember thinking kind of killed me and
still be gay at the end of the day. Right,
and then walking through mathe addiction and like all the
sex addiction and everything else I was doing, Like I
just life is not personal. Life doesn't give a ship
at the end of the day. And so if I
if I'm holding the space, then then it holds them

(07:18):
back and it's and that's not why I'm here. My
job is to open their space, not not hold them
in the space that they know. Does that make sense?
That's what got them there? Right? So I'm like, how
did you.

Speaker 1 (07:33):
Get yourself out of there?

Speaker 2 (07:38):
God? I need you're gonna ask that question?

Speaker 1 (07:41):
Tables have turned?

Speaker 2 (07:43):
Yeah, I can flip it if you need.

Speaker 1 (07:49):
Me get my gun right now? Hot? It is hot?

Speaker 2 (07:54):
Its sex agon Yeah.

Speaker 1 (07:58):
No, I mean how did you because that's something I like.
I strive to be in the place you are. How
did you get there?

Speaker 2 (08:10):
You know? God, through a lot of anxiety, a lot
of stress. There's a lot of getting it wrong, people
screaming and yelling at me.

Speaker 1 (08:21):
Look I mean like trauma or like you's screaming and
yelling at you like the bullys.

Speaker 2 (08:26):
No, I how do I word it? So most of
my life, from the youngest child, most of my life
I was told to shut up, sit down, stop being
being a burden whatever that is right, and that is aspects.
And I'm an entertainer on top of that. So telling
me while I'm doing cartwheels on the couch was kind
of hard and I'm painting my nails, kind of hard
to tell me to shut stop being a burden, right,

(08:47):
And so I think that a piece of me just
kind of realized, Well, I'll say it this way. I
know what it feels like to be on the underbelly
of life. It doesn't feel good, but it's not who
I am. It's what I did. Right? Does that make sense?
And so I've had to teach myself like I'm not

(09:09):
my results, but my results show me what I intended
in the moment, if that makes sense. And so if
I want to love people and I want them to
grow and I want them to be better people, like
we're talking before around like my only desires for people
to be magnificent, to go live these magnificent lives. Not

(09:30):
my job. I can't do that. It's up to you.
But how do I hold somebody as if they're already magnificent?
Does that make sense? And if you're holding them.

Speaker 1 (09:40):
I mean it makes sense.

Speaker 2 (09:41):
I don't know what's happening.

Speaker 1 (09:43):
How do you hold somebody's if they are even though
they may not be well.

Speaker 2 (09:48):
I'll ask you a question. Do you think that there's
something wrong with you?

Speaker 1 (09:52):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (09:53):
Tons like what?

Speaker 1 (09:54):
Oh? I get way pressured. I make everyone else's problem. No,
I make my problems everyone else's. Okay, when I want
it done.

Speaker 2 (10:10):
Okay, got it. You're good at delegating.

Speaker 1 (10:13):
Burnout and burned out and callous to a degree.

Speaker 2 (10:16):
Okay, got it?

Speaker 1 (10:22):
Really really really hard on myself.

Speaker 2 (10:25):
So there's all behaviors that's not who you are.

Speaker 1 (10:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (10:29):
So you take a baby and a baby is born,
does it have value?

Speaker 1 (10:36):
Yeah? If it's wearing like bamboo clothing and it's really
cute and it's the.

Speaker 2 (10:41):
Kid, don't go. If we have this baby that's born
into this world and it's shitting and it's demanding things,
and it's crying and being on people and callic and
keeping you up all night, and you still hold it
as this precious being. Yes, it's still valuable. It did
nothing other than be born in your holding a valuable.

(11:01):
As adults, we get all these layered ship on top
of us, like be a better student, be a better daughter,
be there on time, get better grades, be better at
your job, whatever. Like we have all this shit put
on top of us when all you have to do
is be a valuable being in you already are doesn't
make sense. And so like, if I'm already holding you

(11:22):
in that space, then that that ship doesn't matter what
you're saying. It's a story, and the story doesn't have
any relevance to who you want to be. It's who
you've been. And so I'm not going to listen to
the damn story you just gave me because that's who
you used to be. But that's not who you are.
It's those are behaviors that happen from the past, not

(11:42):
who you are today.

Speaker 1 (11:43):
Right, I don't say you're saying, like, dressed for the
job you want, not the job you have, and you're
going to treat them like they're already in that role?
Is that the most superficial interpretation of what.

Speaker 2 (11:56):
Your your he boushy is me?

Speaker 1 (12:02):
So okay, E sees me?

Speaker 2 (12:04):
Do you not see this? No? I mean honestly, like
I do. I mean I think you and I can
relate like people have never been nice to Oh that's traumatic.
A lot of people have not been nice to me
through my lifetime. But I still love people. I don't
know why I love people, but I love people even
though they are the most disgusting, grimy, slimy people in

(12:26):
the entire world. I fucking love them and I find
them interesting. And so if I want to be able
to be in the space with them where they feel held,
then that means I've got to love them, whether I
like them or not. Right, And the way I've come
to that terms is everybody is a child. Everyone is
this infant being held, and somewhere along the line, they

(12:48):
believe the lies that they were given, that there's something
wrong with them. I say this in all of my groups.
I'm like, do people think something's wrong with you? There's
that they're they're broken, And like, if you came here
to be fixed, your fuck because there's nothing wrong with you, right,
What if at the end of the day, that's the
lie you have to get rid of, that there's something
wrong with you and you embrace the piece of like, well,

(13:11):
moving forward, if there was nothing wrong with me, what
would my life look like? How would my life be
different today? If I believe that my parents were doing
their best with the tools that they had if everybody
that I met had their own intentions for their own
lives and their own survival and there's nothing wrong with me, Like,
what would my life look like? What would your life
look like?

Speaker 1 (13:30):
I think people would take advantage of me. I'd be
slapped without seeing it coming.

Speaker 2 (13:36):
Why do you come from that space?

Speaker 1 (13:38):
Yeah, because I think it's it sounds naive.

Speaker 2 (13:42):
I didn't say be stupid about it. I don't hand
you a knife and go, hey, I love you. I'm like,
please carve your initials in my chest right now. I
didn't say that. I simply said I get to love you.
I'm dealing with addicts who most of their life have
been treated like shit. It and mental well, I think

(14:03):
that comes part of the process. Like I think addiction
comes from mental health, honestly. And you're dealing with these
people who have been dejected, rejected, whatever in their own lives.
Muslim didn't have parents or no semblance of a parent's uh,
and didn't know what it was like to be human
before walking in the door and uh girl. My first

(14:26):
day of treatment, I punched a woman, called her a bitch,
ran down an allyy through my medications under the gutter,
and tried to give escape and then the police got me.
Then my first day in treatment, I was in the hospital.
The first ten days of my recovery, I had gotten
a needle jabbed in the back of my leg and wow,

(14:48):
dep Coder, No, I I I'm an IV user and.

Speaker 1 (14:51):
So not medication it was.

Speaker 2 (14:54):
It was medication, yeah, no, but but no, I got
it jabbed in the back of my leg and I
just said, fucking ignore it, and so I just pulled
it out.

Speaker 1 (15:02):
Who job did it in your leg? Is that a spot? Oh?
It was an accident.

Speaker 2 (15:07):
Yeah. I didn't put a leg on. I didn't put
the lid back on it, and I said, it on
the bed and then I sat down and it jabbed
me in the back of the leg and I just
got up yanked it out. Hi, don't give a shit, right, And.

Speaker 1 (15:17):
Uh, did you then have more meth in you? No?

Speaker 2 (15:22):
But there became a staff infection and so because it
was not clean at that point in time, and there
was a lot going on with that little needle. And
so my understanding is then the infection will go to
the foot because gravity pulls the infection down. And so
my foot was the size of a football and and
me major manipulator and liar at the time, was like, Oh,

(15:44):
I don't know what it is with the emergency room,
and they're like, oh, must be gout, and so they
treated me for gout, and uh. It just kept getting
bigger and bigger and worse and worse. Finally, by the
time I think, did I not tell you this?

Speaker 1 (15:55):
I thought not the foot part.

Speaker 2 (15:58):
Yes. What got me so was my dad had died
in January of twenty seventeen. My mom had died in
twenty fifteen. I'd watched her die through the process, and
my dad died in January. My brothers are trying to
evict me from the house. Nobody had any clue what
was happening, why I was acting way I was acting,
Why I was hiding things, avoiding people. But I was

(16:20):
living in their house, trying to just avoid the life
right and hope that nobody noticed. But I got the
needle job in the back of the leg I'd gotten
raped at that point in time, the guide that videotaped it.
And then in the house. No, in my parents' house,
like I invited people over all the time, and I'd
be high and I'd just invite people in and out
of the house and I was taking GHB. I don't

(16:43):
know if you know what GHP is, and so I
take JHB with my math, with my weed on top
of my ecstasy and the HP.

Speaker 1 (16:49):
To explain, it's like the liquid that you can take
or a pill, a liquid baby oil apparently.

Speaker 2 (16:56):
Yeah, I've never got one. Yeah, oh y god, that
wasn't even thanks French Kenny. I know where to get it.

Speaker 1 (17:00):
I was just kidding, but it's like a how would
you describe it, like a quick drunk feeling.

Speaker 2 (17:06):
Yeah, it's called the date rape drug, and so in
like a capsize, you can drink it and then within
about thirty forty five minutes you'll feel I always got naked,
and so i'd always do coming over. I would always
drink it, I get naked, and then I would.

Speaker 1 (17:25):
Huh, why do you want to be naked?

Speaker 2 (17:27):
I don't know. There was something about it that I
always just wanted to get naked. I was in a
group of twenty guys, didn't know any of them, drank it,
and I was naked into like, not kidding, like fifteen minutes.

Speaker 1 (17:36):
I really is the date rape drug?

Speaker 2 (17:39):
I was willing, so I wasn't. Yeah, yeah, anyway, at
the end of the day that happened, and then I
got syphiless from it. So I don't know how familiar
I was syphiless, but every end of me was pussing
on some way, shape or form, and so I didn't
know what was happening.

Speaker 1 (17:53):
I mean every end.

Speaker 2 (17:56):
So if you're receiving anal sex, it has a discharge,
and then your dick or your penis, it has a discharge,
and that post and infection this clear lovely liquid, I
don't even know what you would call it. And infection, yeah, infected.

Speaker 1 (18:14):
A doctor he told me, I'm not that kind of darkner. Uh.

Speaker 2 (18:18):
And so all that happened.

Speaker 1 (18:21):
And then your foot's like the size of all at
the same time.

Speaker 2 (18:23):
Yeah yeah, And then uh, I was just kind of done.
I didn't know what else to do. Uh, And I
was just shooting up every morning and called the suicide hotline.
They hung up on me twice because I was in
psychosis and they just couldn't make out since what I
was talking about what's happening. The third time I called
them called it harassment, So they called the police, and

(18:44):
so they broke the door down of my parents' house
at the time, and I was in pink underwear and
a pink tank top that I had died by accident
with whites and a pink or red something and I
was one hundred and twenty nine pounds. Oh my god,
and uh, they grabbed me. All my stuff was sitting out,
so they just kind of grabbed me, put me in

(19:04):
the back, brought me into the hospital and that's where
my recovery began at that point in time. And so yeah,
but like we were talking about earlier, like that's just
like it's my story. It's my story. And so it's
people like, oh my god, that's someone but that was
my reality and that's what I was going through. And
half the time I wasn't even fully aware of what
was happening. I mean, you know, your parents die, check out, HI,

(19:27):
check out doing sexual things. I'd been in the middle
of sex with someone. I just get up and walk out,
and I just become done with you and I just
walk out. I was so detached from life. I was
so ready to die, and I tried committing suicide a
couple of times, and I'd wake up and I did.
So I was in Indianapolis at the time. I was

(19:50):
working a job and a dog of mine had just died,
and I'd never had anyone die in my life, and
they euthanized him in my lap lap and I'm like, oh,
oh li, hardest moment of my life. And and that's sad.
That was the hardest moment.

Speaker 1 (20:06):
After everything else.

Speaker 2 (20:08):
Even still, even that was the people love their pants.

Speaker 1 (20:12):
He was my baby, right, But that was you were
attached to him, you were attached to you.

Speaker 2 (20:18):
Uh yeah, because he he loved me for me, like
he loved every moment of me and everything about me.
And when I'd sleep with him, he would cut ale
and I'd scrub his rub his pelly, and I just
felt like I let him down. And so he got
sick because I'd let him into a lake and he
got something in the lake and he got sick. And
then I wasn't paying attention because I was drinking and using,
and uh he just got sicker and sicker until it

(20:38):
was just too late. And then when I tried to
save him, it was just too late. So I just
felt a lot of guilt and a lot of complex
about it, and so euthanizing him, uh yeah, I just
went off. That's when I went into meth. That's when
I went into everything else. I just kind of gave
up on life. So I took blood pressure medication, antied
a pressure medication, uh, sleeping pills, alcohol, weed, two or

(21:01):
three other pills, don't the bottles of them. Woke up
three days later and I'd shipped myself. I'd peed all
over the place. The dogs had shitten peede it or
the dog the one dog that was left Pete everywhere,
and I hadn't even forgotten entered killing myself. I completely forgot.
I got up, I walked in the bathroom, kind of
did my thing, and then I showed up at work

(21:22):
thinking it was a Friday and it was a Wednesday. Yeah,
and so that was that was that? How did you
just get paced? I don't know. I don't I honestly
don't know. I literally woke up three days later, and
I didn't remember. I didn't remember at first what happened
or what I tried doing. I mean, I have little
flashbacks now where I remember getting up while I was

(21:44):
I think going down, and I remember hitting my head
on the dresser and falling to the floor, having major vertigo.
I remember all that stuff, right, But I don't.

Speaker 1 (21:54):
I don't know, and it's time for a break.

Speaker 2 (22:00):
Have you had trauma in your life? Oh yeah, So
like do you remember every moments that are happening in it?
Do you remember, Like I detached through a lot of it.
I almost go through a process of like watching it
happen versus being in it. And so what's.

Speaker 1 (22:15):
That that dissociation? Right, so that the personalization is going
to be like you don't like, you don't feel like
it's happening to your body, But then the derealization is
like you feel like it's a movie happening.

Speaker 2 (22:30):
Yeah, such an extreme trauma response, it's no big deal.

Speaker 1 (22:34):
It's it's a huge deal. I mean it feels like
not a big deal because it's.

Speaker 2 (22:38):
Like it's like a big deal like whatever. Like so
when people like, oh my god, I'm like, yeah, it
was where I went through, Right, that's my life.

Speaker 1 (22:44):
I've definitely experienced that. I haven't done drugs, but I've
I've left my body because of how because of pain
or trauma.

Speaker 2 (22:53):
Yeah yeah, yeah did you when you did that, did
you didn't feel like a movie was suddenly going for you?

Speaker 1 (23:00):
Yeah? I remember telling people it felt like a DVD,
like you can you could press forward to scene to scene.

Speaker 2 (23:07):
You know.

Speaker 1 (23:07):
Now we're like, not, we don't use cvcause a lot,
but it felt like somebody was forwarding the scenes without
me doing it.

Speaker 2 (23:16):
While you were there.

Speaker 1 (23:17):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (23:18):
Yeah, I guess that makes I don't know. I look
back and see it. It's almost like a replay for me. Yeah,
I don't know during during that process. But yeah, then
so your question was how did I get out of it?

Speaker 1 (23:31):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (23:33):
I remember sitting in the hotel in the hospital bed,
doctor going we're going to amputate your leg because it
was infective. We don't know what you're going to do
with it. Guy had sexually assaulted by uh like like
literally torn my whole and so they were gonna have
to do surgery with that. I had an absessed on
the back of the leg, so it was the size
of like a grapefruit, and so they were going to

(23:54):
have to cut that out. I had syphilists, so they
were like, we have to do a spinal tap because
how long you've had it, all that kind of stuff.
I remember letting it laying in the bed and like
either God, you take me or you leave me, either
one or the two, Like do something to save me.
And honestly, that's when the whole world shifted for me.
I don't know why, I don't know how, but neighbor

(24:16):
from my parents, who lived there for twenty years, didn't
even know these people. They suddenly knew who I was,
and they showed up and they brought making sures okay
because they saw the hospital calm and all that stuff,
and my parents had died, so they knew where I was. Uh,
And so she had up being a case manager at
or treatment center. I was like, shut the fuck up,
how does that happen? Seven doors down from there, a

(24:36):
woman who used to walk her dog when I would
walk to my dogs. She's a therapist and her husband's
a therapist around trauma. So they started coming in and
talking to me, and like all these people just started
coming into my life. And I was like, God, Like
what the fuck? Like why would even still today I
have a really hard time? Why would God save me

(24:56):
through that process? Like why would people give a fuck
about who I was?

Speaker 1 (25:00):
And how you think that? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (25:05):
I mean at the end of the day, but you just.

Speaker 1 (25:08):
Told me we have to love everyone, not.

Speaker 2 (25:11):
Everybody, not our sense, just other people, not not myself. Girl.
Have you met me?

Speaker 1 (25:18):
Kid? Wait? What are you gaslating me right now.

Speaker 2 (25:22):
No, no, no, I'm not, honestly, I'm not.

Speaker 1 (25:24):
Oh so you're surprised that people showed up for you.

Speaker 2 (25:28):
Well, so, keeping in mind, during that time, I was
sneaking out at night, I was stealing things from other people.
I was doing sex, I was I was hiding math,
I was making money selling my mom's medications. I was
doing all of this shit that just makes you feel
like shit, right, And so God is saving me? Why
the fuck would you save me? And then when I

(25:49):
came into coaching, people would ask me my opinion, I'm like,
why the fuck would you want a mathematics opinion? Like
what value do I have in a conversation at this
point in the time in my life. Well, that was
what one of the either show the fuck up? I
want to know any does that?

Speaker 1 (26:06):
And so you know that like no one calls me out,
what's up? No one calls me out like you have
called me out more since I've known you than most people.
That's the power you bring. Okay too, It's like you
have a a permit, you give yourself permission to be real.

Speaker 2 (26:26):
Yeah, I mean most of my life I was the underdog,
and so I either I didn't have the looks and
I didn't have the friends, so I had to develop something.
And uh, and I think that's just the thing that
I developed. And I'm hyperly sensitive, and so again, I
know what it feels like on a lot of those levels.

(26:46):
And when I look back now I'm six years sober.
Now I look back and I'm like, God put me
on the underbelly so I understood it so I could
live it and be with it, right, doesn't make sense?
And like I can sit in a room with a
gang member and somebody who's been human trafficked and have
something in common with them. Instantly, I know what it

(27:08):
feels like not to be human or not to be
treated like a human, and that just sucks. That's really sucks.
And that we do that to other people not okay, right,
And that we do to ourselves that's not okay. And
so so yeah, I just I want people to realize
how magnificent and how fabulous they are in life, because

(27:30):
why not.

Speaker 1 (27:31):
Where the tears coming from.

Speaker 2 (27:34):
It's a lot of hurt and just a lot of,
like I said, a lot of shitty stuff that people
have done. And I still love people, like some fucking idiot, uh,
And I just want people to get how fabulous they are.
And I think that that's where the sadness comes from.
I sit in the rooms of recovery and I facilitate groups,
and I watched like nineteen year old girls just like something,

(27:57):
hook up in the room, brand new, like hookup in
the room and want to have sex and then go
to some xanax and disappear like she's nineteen, Like she
she won't know what life is until it is taken
from her, right, And that just the fucking sucks. But
that's the human experience, right, And I think that's where
the sadness comes from. Is I think some humans, most

(28:19):
humans have to learn from remorse and not from joy.
That sucks, right, Yeah, that's most of us cool, But that's.

Speaker 1 (28:30):
I think that's a really hard part of our job.
Is what do you mean, like you can't live in
that space.

Speaker 2 (28:37):
Which space specifically being.

Speaker 1 (28:39):
So empathic, being so emotional to somebody else's struggle.

Speaker 2 (28:48):
Yeah, tell me why.

Speaker 1 (28:52):
You have to compartmentalize that, And that's what's not working,
But it's necessary because it's so if you thought about
that nineteen year old girl when you're at home, where
you're in the seder.

Speaker 2 (29:04):
I do that. Hello, you can't do that? Excuse me? Yes,
I can.

Speaker 1 (29:12):
No, I do, because that's a lack of boundaries.

Speaker 2 (29:15):
No, it's not. I don't. I don't go try to
save her. But it doesn't mean I can't sit there
and go God like, how do I connect to her
in a different way? Or what could I say to
her that would support her in conversation? So so literally,
that girl showed up at my partner's gallery lovely jogging
by the way, Yes, I'm.

Speaker 1 (29:31):
Wearying his partner's original that suys Leslie.

Speaker 2 (29:36):
And she shut up at his gallery and said I
was one of his favorite facilitators because they sit down
with her and go, girl, you sitting on your phone
is not going to get you what you want in
your life. You told me in day one, I love
meeting somebody on day one because I will hammer the
shit out of them. And then I know, six weeks
from now, I'm going to bring that right back up
because they were raw in that moment, and six weeks later,

(29:56):
when they take their you go back, I'm going to
shove that thing right back in their face. I'm like,
you told me day one that you can't seem to
hold down your commitments your life, and you're tired of
living on the streets and all those things, and here
you are fucking around like this, Like, at the end
of the day, what kind of life are you going
to live with that that happens again. So I can't
carry that around with me. It doesn't have to be
my burden to carry. But it doesn't mean I can't

(30:18):
care about you and figure out a selection or some
some form of a conversation to support you. I don't
have to. I don't have to carry her weight around,
but I can still think about her.

Speaker 1 (30:29):
Well, that's interesting. So how do you differentiate thinking about
her and not carrying her weight when it.

Speaker 2 (30:36):
Is a very choice, her choices.

Speaker 1 (30:39):
So you're kind of like working your way to like
an epiphany of a treatment goal. Yes, when you're not
with her?

Speaker 2 (30:44):
Yes? OK, Well how do I get to be different
so that when I meet more people like that, I'm
able to support them? Because, like I told you before,
like I may never see them again. They can go
use fentanel and die, or they can go back on
the streets and never come back again. And so I
feel like I have one shot with you so I'm
going to fucking use that shot to get in there
and figure where you are. Hate me or not. I

(31:06):
don't give a shit if you live right, And so
that's that's where I go right and so hate me
or not, I don't care that point in time. But
when I get people and I can't get past that wall,
then I do I strategize in my head of like
what kind of conversation would have supported me? Or what
did what did she say about blah blah blah blah
or how does that look blah blah blah blah. And

(31:27):
then sometimes I'll just ask them. I'm like, look, I've
been thinking about you over the weekend. I'm really kind
of concerned about you. So what do you think is
getting in your way? Like what could you do differently
for yourself? Or or are you willing to be this
like be honest with me, don't be don't lie to me,
like what are you willing to do in that space? Right?
And so, so yeah, I don't. I don't feel like
I have to carry their emotional crap around. What I

(31:48):
carry around is when I feel like I've harmed someone
that I will carry and uh, And then I get
into my fixer mode, and then I get into turmoil
and my poor partner will be like, Okay, just let
it go, and I'm like, yeah, but you don't understand.
It's someone's life I'm playing with on some level, and

(32:09):
so that's not okay to me. And so I don't
get to be imperfect, which is a lot of pressure
A lot of times. A lot of pressure, yeah, a
lot of times.

Speaker 1 (32:18):
Yeah, because I imagine you also remember the providers that you
had and the impact that they had on you. Yeah,
and it fucking stands out the good, the bad, the ugly.
I remember people who have hurt me so much in
my career career, and then I remember people who have
helped me vividly, and we are in that role now

(32:40):
to a lot of other people.

Speaker 2 (32:42):
Yeah, But I also get to remember, I don't get
to decide the difference it makes. You're only going to
hear what you want to hear through your filter at
your time, and your emotional space and whatever medications you're
on and how long you've been sober. I don't get
to decide those things for you. And so again I'm
going to go at it and just kind of let
you fall. You fall, But it doesn't mean I can't

(33:03):
love you while you're doing it. I remember I just
finished the toll steps. Most odd sponsor to walk up
to me. She's a stripper with like the fucking huge
uh whatever you want to call them, one boobs whatever,
I don't have to do with them, so on to
college jugs. I don't know boobs whatever you yet. But
she's this little, this little Filipino girl, huge ass hits.

(33:24):
She's an attorney, but on the weekends she is stripping,
making more money as an attorney and doing coke during.

Speaker 1 (33:33):
The day, and she's not making an attorney or she's
a really good stripper.

Speaker 2 (33:38):
Uh, well, I guess she's a good stripper because she's
making more money as a stripper than she was an attorney.
I don't think she was happy being an attorney. And also,
I know you said you never you've never done drugs,
realizing like drugs enhanced life to a way that makes
everything so vibrant. It makes so like, uh, if your
life sucks, then all of a sudden you've gone from

(33:59):
the Wizard of like Kansas to Wizard of Oz. It's
kind of what it feels like. So when you pull
that away, then everything looks like Kansas and it sucks.
And so she was pulling the cocaine away and wanting
to quit the job, but afraid of losing the money
and losing her friends and losing how she felt about

(34:20):
herself and the people and all those things. And so, yeah,
but I remember telling her, I'm like, girl, you don't
have to love you yet. Just let me love you
and then you'll learn how to love yourself through the process, right, and.

Speaker 1 (34:32):
So yeah, holding space for her.

Speaker 2 (34:35):
Yeah, yeah, but I think you have kids, and we've
talked with this, the eight year old that lives with us.
What I realized the most is she doesn't even know
what kindness means. She doesn't know what gratitude even means.
She doesn't know a lot of things. They have to
be taught. And so when you're coming into sobriety, you

(34:55):
don't know how to You don't know how to be
kind to yourself, you don't know how to do self care,
you don't know how to talk to other people. You
talking to a girl earlier today, So I don't trust people.
I'm like, let's see, you were on the streets for
six years, you were a prostitute, you hung out with
drug dealers. You were beat up quite a few times.
I don't know why you wouldn't trust people. They also

(35:17):
like trustworthy people, right like, well, of course that would
make sense. You're walking into recovery not trusting people because
you hung out with the slugs of the world, right,
So it's going to take you a long time to
want to love people back and trust them. But I
will guarantee you the thing that is missing the most
is you don't think you're capable of trusting yourself. Once
you learn how to trust yourself, you don't need to

(35:38):
trust other people because you'll walk away.

Speaker 1 (35:40):
Right. That's such an impossible thing for so many people
to trust themselves.

Speaker 2 (35:45):
Do you think it's impossible or they just don't know?

Speaker 1 (35:48):
I think it's a journey some people will never complete.
I mean what you had said when we had the
best peppermint mochas of our lives that was called Gosamik.
Just the smooth that's still in my mouth.

Speaker 2 (36:03):
It's fabulous.

Speaker 1 (36:06):
But what you had said is that you can feel still,
you can feel at peace. That's rare, just like trusting yourself.

Speaker 2 (36:20):
Yeah, I don't I don't know that. I agree. I
just think people aren't paying attention. Yeah, I'm saying, like,
go back to your first Christmas, or go back to
the first love, or go back to the moment you're
walking in nature and hearing the crunching of the snow
or the underbreath. Those were all moments that you felt
a higher level emotion. And I mean I teach this

(36:43):
in groups, right, like we are only the emotions we practice.
And so if you're sitting there and you're fixating on,
oh my god, what if my car breaks down and
what if my partner leaves me and what if I
don't have enough money and what if I get this wrong?
And what if I relapse? And I'm focusing on anxiety
over all, whelm, fear, anger, and I'm practicing those emotions
all day long. They're my default emotions, right, and so

(37:07):
I teach them in these talks. And I'm like, what
was the last of me felt joy? I always get
I don't ever feel joy? My fucking shut up? When
did you last for joy.

Speaker 1 (37:16):
When I was high? Is the answer?

Speaker 2 (37:19):
A lot of them, like one will go, I don't
know about about about this or that, but I felt love? Okay, great?
So if I know they were a parent I'm like,
tell me about when your child was born. What was
that like for you, and especially if it's a dad,
And yeah, I.

Speaker 1 (37:33):
Was gonna say it like that was some that's trauma
for me when my kids are.

Speaker 2 (37:36):
That's why I changed. It was because I was like,
I heard, but JJ is open, things are flying out,
not a kid boy for yeah, get.

Speaker 1 (37:46):
It out, excuse me, not myj It was a c section.
I'm still fully intactic.

Speaker 2 (37:49):
Tight thank you, m I thank you. But like at
the end of the day, right, like you think of
the moments that the human nature isn't to focus on
what's working. We focus on what's not working. Yeah, And
when you start to train yourself to go the other direction,
then you start like finding gratitude and stupid Like I

(38:10):
love the pink stuff behind you. I think that's super
cute and super fun.

Speaker 1 (38:14):
Isn't that ironic that you're looking at the pink side
of the studio and I'm looking at the jail cell.

Speaker 2 (38:18):
I'm okay with that. I'm good at it, and so like,
I think those are super cute. Like my my brain
focuses on the happiness of it all right.

Speaker 1 (38:26):
My brain focuses on the darkness.

Speaker 2 (38:29):
That doesn't fit like your life right there.

Speaker 1 (38:33):
Maybe it's spitting my life because it's there.

Speaker 2 (38:36):
Okay, what do you mean the darkness, that's what I mean. Yeah,
like feeling caged, feeling like the world's observing you and
you can't get back out.

Speaker 1 (38:44):
Yeah, but that's the job. And I think that's what
I appreciate about you so much is that you are
around people who are caged. Yeah, in so many ways.

Speaker 2 (38:55):
That's the thing.

Speaker 3 (38:55):
Yeah, that's the crazy thing that I'm around them too, right,
But it's like you're happier than me, Like you're more
grounded and you're more able to find peace than I am.

Speaker 2 (39:07):
Against practice, you got to practice those points, like taking
your child's first Christmas? What was that like? And then
you practice it and you remember, like I remember the
wrapping of the paper and the smell of the gingerbread
house and what it was like outside. Like you, you're
activating the senses so that the senses don't know the
difference between reality and the past, because you're doing anyway

(39:29):
with anxiety, you're doing any way with overwhelmed or fear
or anger. You're practicing the past and you're having a
physical response to it. So the brain thinks it's real.
Same thing with peace, same thing with love, same thing
with trust. You practice it, and you've got to make
it a conscious effort because you've unconsciously been training this
for so long. And yeah, but you must have cages.

(39:55):
Oh god, well I just sold earlier. I don't even
I don't want to listen to myself. Yeah, I don't
even listen to myself ever.

Speaker 1 (40:03):
O guy, So you're just gonna watch this episode over
and over now? Oops, commercial time? What what? What are
your whatever?

Speaker 2 (40:17):
We call them body stuff, buddy, Yeah, body stuff for me?

Speaker 1 (40:21):
What do you mean?

Speaker 2 (40:23):
God, I'm like, I felt fat all the time. I
feel you're not schat at all. You asked me a question. Goal,
don't be deflected my moments.

Speaker 1 (40:33):
You're like snatched.

Speaker 2 (40:35):
I don't know, no, no, I mean most of my
life I was called fat, tub of goo, or I
was uh, I was tall, tild, I was awkward or
ugly or whatever, and so all that stuff resonated like
when you're seven eight years old. And then I went
in musical theater. So the dancers like, you're too fat,
you're to this, you're to that, you're too short, or
you're not masculine enough you get you get shown all

(40:56):
of your weaknesses in those moments versus who you are
as a person that they'll stay with you.

Speaker 1 (41:02):
Right, And that sounds horrifying. I mean just the to
be picked on in that way because of looks and
wanting to be a dancer.

Speaker 2 (41:16):
Welcome to life.

Speaker 1 (41:17):
I have been such a profession that just is it
looks so difficult, But how is.

Speaker 2 (41:21):
That going to be different than like what you do
for a living. Like there's pros and cons on both sides. Yeah,
Like I have to make certain steps in my life
to to protect me and my family and my life,
my overall and at the same time I get to
be with people and being that like there's a pro
and con in there. It's the same thing, right, there's
a pro and con whatever whatever I'm choosing, there's a
price to it, and there's a there's a pro to

(41:43):
it and those aspects. And so we have my body
for me, I'll I wish I could see myself the
way other people see me, And I think that that's
the human reality is we will never see ourselves. And
I think that's the there's a lot of sadness in
that because you'll never see how many anywhere. The last
week of my mom's life, she was she'd gotten the

(42:05):
cancer fantastasized to her brain, so she was just kind
of be an odd all the time. And I said
something to and she said, yeah, but I'm a failure.
I shouldn't have met your dad. And this is my
mom telling me this, Right, I should have met your dad.
I shouldn't have had kids. I just wasted my life.
Oh blah blah. I'm just, I'm just I'm a horrible person.
And I remember getting incredibly upset and be like, have

(42:25):
you ever met yourself before? And she goes, well no,
and I go, then you can never say something negative
about yourself until you meet yourself, because then you will
really see who you are, not who you think you are. Right,
And so I don't think any of us gets that
luxury until it's too late to see yourselves. Right. That sucks,
I think. So those are probably my cages in that sense.

(42:48):
How do you go?

Speaker 1 (42:49):
How do you get out of them?

Speaker 2 (42:53):
I probably do have most people do. I ignore them
a lot of times? Right, I probably, like I don't
let them be the because of my reality. I trust
what my partner says, sometimes not all the time. But
so when he calls me attractor, I'm like, whatever, you
have to tell me that, But he doesn't have to,
he doesn't have to tell me that, and so grateful

(43:14):
for that.

Speaker 1 (43:14):
Well, and he seems straightforward.

Speaker 2 (43:17):
That's an understatement. Yeah, that's an understatement. Yeah, no, And
so I mean those are definitely a lot of the issues.
I'm incredibly insecure in who I am is and that's
why it's funny most people call me zen and grounded.
But you know this in your own head, like no
one in there. I don't know everybody, but most people

(43:37):
deal with not good enough. Most people deal with insecurities
and not feeling like whatever you've gotten to public schools
or any form of a school.

Speaker 1 (43:45):
You know what.

Speaker 2 (43:45):
Not good enough feels like you're not getting good enough grades,
you're not participately enough in class, you're not good enough
in sports. Like there's enough comparison happening all the time
for not good enough to show up in all of
our spaces across the board. Right, So, I think most
of us know what that feels like, but I try
to humanize it that way, like you know what it
feels like, just like I do. So why am I

(44:07):
going to use it as a weapon against myself, if
that makes sense. So the company I started six years
ago was called you Embracing You because I was like,
you have to embrace everything, the good and the bad,
the ugly and the shiny. Right. The coaching business, yeah,
my coaching business. Yeah, and so so yeah, I just
I realized, like, they're not good enough. Actually has me

(44:29):
have compassion for other people. They're not good enough, has
me realize that I'm in comparison, which means I'm wanting
something or needing something that I'm not giving myself, if
that makes sense. And so I use it as a superpower,
not as a sometimes not as a weapon. Right, But
I'm a human having a human experience. Right. So I

(44:50):
didn't want to come today. I was like, I feel shitty.
I've had five sucky ass groups. People were shitty today.
It's just like, I don't fuck I want to go
talk to somebody today. And so yeah, and then I
have to talk about myself.

Speaker 1 (45:02):
Not no bo oh, no, Okay, well you're doing a
really good job talking about yourself.

Speaker 2 (45:10):
We talk about you.

Speaker 1 (45:14):
How do you become a coach?

Speaker 2 (45:16):
Can I give you some feedback? I think when we
start to go deep you get light like you go
the other direction, you'll make a joke or you'll you'll
lighten the moment versus going into the discomfort. I've noticed
that like three times, Oh tell me what times talking
about drug addiction, talking about like the hospital thing, and

(45:38):
then you kind of moved into a different space. And
then I don't I don't know all of them, but
that that was my experience. That's my experience.

Speaker 1 (45:50):
What could I have done different?

Speaker 2 (45:53):
Tell me more that feels hard? Uh? What about it?
Did you learn or where did that go from there?
Just let the person sink. Just trust me. They won't
just trust that process. Okay, I learned And you asked

(46:15):
me how I became a coach, and kind of answering
it in an indirect way, one of my mentors said
that there's always a net, but you won't believe that
there is. So just before you hit the ground, there'll
be a net. And so I've always learned in my
own coaching trust that there's a net. Even though it
feels like we're both falling without a parachute, there's a net.

Speaker 1 (46:36):
And so but you have the ability to I don't
know how to be embraced by the net. I don't
know if everyone does, like giving people more depth to fall, Okay,

(46:56):
it could injure them. That's my fears, because you have
resiliency that most people don't have to that degree.

Speaker 2 (47:10):
I don't agree. I think because we hold people so
damn small, they stay small people are I mean, come on,
we've been around thousands of years, We've creating this freakin'
AI thing now, like all these things are evolving, and
humanity keeps evolving along with it, right, and so I
don't I don't believe that for a second. I think

(47:32):
that when you hold somebody small, that's what they believe
their container is, right, but when you remove their container,
then they go ape shit a little bit, but they
also realize what they're capable of, right in those situations,
and saying I've done enough transformational trainings where I've been
the coach, I've been in the trainings, i've been staff,
I've been all these different things where I've seen people

(47:53):
do the most miraculous things that you thought were the
like a seventy eight year old braille woman suddenly climbing
a telephone poll and going, I'm sucking a right, Like,
you don't know what people are capable of doing or
being and tell you give them the space to go
do those things. And you got to give people space
to do those things. And if they break, it heals, right,

(48:15):
and it just creates a whole new level for them
to heal from. Right.

Speaker 4 (48:18):
But like on camera, Yeah, for the world to see. Okay,
would you concern breaking someone like I feel bad?

Speaker 2 (48:30):
Then refer them to someone, have a relationship with somebody else, whatever,
you you create those boundaries, right, Yeah. But like, even
even in this I think this is funny. Even in
this conversation, you're arguing the limitations versus seeing the opportunity.

Speaker 1 (48:45):
I just the liabilities are running through my head.

Speaker 2 (48:49):
Okay, cool. Liability is only come into place because we
broke something.

Speaker 1 (48:53):
Yeah, I don't want to break anyone here.

Speaker 2 (48:57):
I can't. I can't.

Speaker 1 (48:58):
I can break them in other places.

Speaker 2 (49:00):
Fit, you can't break them here. Again, that's holding I
think that's holding that I do. I think that's holding
them very small. Yeah, you don't. I mean you just
talked about having a human to a scroll, human traffic
to this whole that didn't fucking break her. You're not
touching her, girl. Yeah, I don't think you're that powerful.
That's fucking no.

Speaker 1 (49:19):
No, you don't have that powerful so she was really awesome.

Speaker 2 (49:23):
Yeah, So don't be afraid of breaking somebody because you
don't have that ability. Only they do.

Speaker 1 (49:30):
So is this like you coaching me? Or is this
just us talking?

Speaker 2 (49:35):
Yes?

Speaker 1 (49:36):
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (49:37):
Is it the same thing for gus he doesn't have
any choices? Fucking yeah? Yeah, I mean I do. I
mean yeah, I talk to my friends like this too,
and my poor roommates probably she's probably like, oh god,
hey he talks to me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (49:55):
Is this like when people hire you, this is what
they're going to get.

Speaker 2 (49:57):
To pieces of it? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Because again, I
respect you. I know who you are, meaning I know
that your background of psychology and so on and the
things that you've done that like, you can handle this conversation,
just like I'm not afraid to break you. Do you
think I could break you?

Speaker 1 (50:16):
No?

Speaker 2 (50:16):
So why do you think you could break somebody else?

Speaker 1 (50:19):
Because I'm trained?

Speaker 2 (50:22):
So I'm not trained.

Speaker 1 (50:23):
No, you're trained. I don't think I'm going to break you.
So then Bush, But it's the other people were that
I think I would break?

Speaker 2 (50:31):
Again, you can't, I think you know that? Yes? No,
Well come on, like, what would be the worst thing
that could happen?

Speaker 1 (50:41):
Someone would kill themselves.

Speaker 2 (50:43):
Uh, so that would be something that was already present
for them, You know that.

Speaker 1 (50:48):
Yeah, but I don't want to be the trigger.

Speaker 2 (50:51):
You don't have that choice. You not saying something could
be the trigger. Yeah, you don't get to decide that. Yeah,
Like you being the victim to that conversation holds the
conversation small versus like no, and then again if you
follow up with them afterward, have the conversation with them
and be like, look, I'm afraid that I pushed you
in this moment. How are you feeling about it? I'm

(51:13):
really wanting to make sure you're good. If they tell
you yes, then how is that you're the trigger? Yeah,
don't don't think I'm a control freak. I don't. I
don't know. I don't know you all enough. I'll be
honesce with you. I think that you strive for excellence,
which means the excellence also has to show up in

(51:34):
your space. But I think a lot of people who
are doing what you're doing that's required of them because
attention to detail is what people notice the most. I
think in those aspects, this makes sense that with Tavi,
it's kind of the same thing, like attention to detail.
For him, he pays attention to it in that aspect. Yeah,
so I think everyone's control freak because we're all scared shitless.

(51:58):
And if I don't have control, which I don't have,
then what do I have? Nothing? I think I think
you when I talked about like I was doing em
d R and if you're not familiar with the MDR,
I know you are, but it's like someone not familiar
with the MDR who's listening. They'll ask you, on a
level of one to ten, what level is that of motion?

(52:21):
And I got down to a one on like this
is the lowest part of it, so ten is really
high when it's like almost gone, and they want you
to get to a zero. And it was feeling like
there's something wrong with me, and he goes, where are you?
And I said a one and he goes, what would
a zero look like? I'm not willing to let that go.
I'm not willing to let go that there's something wrong,
because then who would I be, Like that's been my

(52:43):
label since I was three If I looked like, go
there too, the fuck am I? It's the same thing
with control, Like, if I don't have control, then who
am I? You don't have control anyway? Yes, well I
have a self perception of control. Yeah, that's my point.

Speaker 1 (52:57):
Are you still at a one?

Speaker 2 (53:01):
Hmm?

Speaker 1 (53:05):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (53:06):
I mean I think that there. I think there's something
uniquely distinct about me because of that situation that happened
to three. I don't know. I want to say, No,
I don't.

Speaker 1 (53:19):
I don't.

Speaker 2 (53:21):
I don't know. That's where you would push well, so
let's act like you did know what would I know?
Look like, yes, okay.

Speaker 1 (53:34):
There is a glimpse of you knowing, yes that you're
just would know me well. But there's a glimpse there
that you just didn't say.

Speaker 2 (53:42):
What do you mean at three? Yeah?

Speaker 1 (53:46):
What's the glimpse?

Speaker 2 (53:50):
Oh? Thank you that that clicked it? Thank you for that? Uh,
because I wouldn't have gotten in trouble if there wasn't
something wrong with the situation. So whether you think something's
wrong with me or not, or whether I think it
or not, I wouldn't have gotten in trouble. I was three.
I was painting my nails with my dad's military friends daughter,
and there was smelly grape and strawberries and they smelled

(54:12):
like that, and I was smelling them, and my dad
beat the shit out of me for it and called me,
you can't be a girl. He was embarrassed. He was
twenty eight years old at the time in the military.
And so when the therapist goes, what would a zero
look like? And I go, I don't think I could
because if it wasn't something wrong with me, then I
wouldn't have gotten in trouble, at least from his perception, right,

(54:33):
And so how do I let something go that was
the reality? Does that make sense? What's the answer? I
don't let it For me in this moment, I don't
let it go. But I don't think that there's anything
wrong with believing that there's something wrong with me, as
long as it doesn't drive me. I think it was
driving me for a very long time to want people

(54:53):
to like me, and it doesn't drive me today, which
is cool, which is a little more freeing in that aspect.

Speaker 1 (55:03):
There's nothing wrong with you at three years old.

Speaker 2 (55:07):
Again, awesome to say, But our psyche takes in that
there's like a three year old that's their own reality,
and they think they are the center of the world.
So something happens it's because of them in some way,
shape or form. And so if I'm still looking back
in those moments nineteen seventy six, seventy three ish, right,

(55:28):
dad's military twenty eight years old, doesn't know what gave
and looks like grew up in a small town in
New Mexico, Military Iceland. All of his friends are around.
We're in this guy's house, this is what's happening, and
his son's painting his nails. Like, how do you think
you'd respond as a twenty year year old heterosexual male,
Like what the fuck? Why would he do this?

Speaker 1 (55:48):
That's so emass everything about him?

Speaker 2 (55:50):
Oh? I get it. But again, I think that if
there wasn't something wrong with me in that moment, I
wouldn't sorry, I wouldn't have gotten in trouble. Or if
I would have been accepted in that moment, then I
wouldn't have thought there was something wrong with me. But
a little baitby peace of me will always think that
there's something wrong with me because of how that was
reacted to. Does that make sense?

Speaker 1 (56:11):
If I ask you to say there's nothing wrong with me.

Speaker 2 (56:15):
Okay, I say it, there's nothing wrong with me? Okay.

Speaker 1 (56:23):
When I was three there was nothing wrong with me.

Speaker 2 (56:25):
When I was three. There was nothing wrong with me.

Speaker 1 (56:27):
Yeah, there was a lot wrong with my dad.

Speaker 2 (56:31):
I don't know that there was a lot wrong with
my dad. I think that my dad just had his
own reality. Why are you trying to correct it out
of curiosity?

Speaker 1 (56:41):
Your dad beat the shit out of you and you're
three years old and he's military trained. Yeah, and there's
nothing wrong with him.

Speaker 2 (56:49):
Again, that was the role model I was shown through
most of my life. Yeah, and so that is that's
my reality of like, even in that that's actually kind
of cool. Thank you for that. Even in that moment,
it's like, that's what I Well, it's interesting because they
teach people like what does love look like? Right, and
our parents shows the role model of love, and so

(57:11):
in that moment, that's what love looked like, right. It
looked like someone who is embarrassed with who I am,
someone who will become physical if I'm truly being myself
and doesn't have to accept me in that aspect. And
so that's been a lot of my relationships. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (57:31):
Yeah, so again, damn it, what at three years old,
there was nothing wrong with me?

Speaker 2 (57:40):
Agree, there's nothing wrong with me at three?

Speaker 1 (57:42):
There was a lot wrong with my dad.

Speaker 2 (57:45):
Okay, yeah, there's there's a lot wrong with my dad
at that moment. Yes, in those moments, what was that feeling? Disbelief,
wanted to crack early, sarcastic joke, blowing it off, wanting
to move on, Discomfort, embarrassment, feeling called out.

Speaker 1 (58:10):
So if you want to hire Brian, you can find
it that because I issue. But I just fucking did
what you were just coaching me to do, and I
love it. And you just had a little mini breakthrough.

Speaker 2 (58:21):
Yeah I did. Yeah. And did you break me? No?
Got it? Gotcha? What happened for you? Did you suddenly
get really uncomfortable? No?

Speaker 1 (58:31):
Not at all. Actually, you know, you know, it's really
you know, it's really funny. It is my The only
discomfort I had was, oh my god, is it so
obvious that I'm doing exactly what he told me to do?
It was my perfection.

Speaker 2 (58:45):
Right. That's the thing, right, is when we're in the moment,
we don't notice what the other person's doing not doing.
So you're fine, No, I didn't.

Speaker 1 (58:51):
Notice it at all, but it was my just self focused.

Speaker 2 (58:56):
Gotcha? Cool?

Speaker 1 (58:56):
Oh my god. We just did like a therapy session
for the world to see on both of us.

Speaker 2 (59:03):
Ah, I, yeah, it's interesting. Yeah, no, it was an
epiphany for me. I appreciated that, Sae, and I love that.
I love that when people we don't push each other
in our lives. Poor We have not talked about that.
I have a partner, right, but my poor partner. I
believe that that's where the most uncomfortable conversation should occur

(59:24):
as in a relationship. If I can't have that conversation
with him, then I'm not safe in that relationship. I
can't be in the relationship. And so with that poor guy,
I'll have a relationship conversations like this all the time,
like get it up, my friend, you're having this conversation
with me. And that's where he's incredibly you've met him.
He's incredibly direct until that happens, and then he'll back up,

(59:47):
he'll process it and come back forward when when needed.

Speaker 1 (59:52):
I appreciate that. Yeah, so I can see that. I mean,
you're a force to be reckoned with when you are
on I I don't know what to call it. You
just you feel it, You're in touch with it. Intuitive.

Speaker 2 (01:00:05):
Yeah, I get downloads and when I'm getting the download,
I listen to the download, and I get me out
of the way. Yeah, that's what you're asking me. Earlier,
I was like, how do I do that? I get
me out of the way because it's not about me. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's the thing. There's a prayer that I do. I
made up those prayer sometimes before I go into group,
as God speak to me and through me, and let
me step out of the way to serve the highest purpose,

(01:00:26):
in the highest goode of the person I'm here to
serve today. And so it is. And it gets me
out of the way, right because when I know I've
got a headache or I've got a migraine or stomach
ache or leg day or whatever, then I don't want
to deal with people like day, oh girl, today's leg day.
Talk to me tomorrow and you'd be like, he's a bitch.
I am.

Speaker 1 (01:00:45):
I'm gonna be like, we're facetiming and you're gonna lunch.

Speaker 2 (01:00:48):
I'll give you a bit. I'm gonna guarantee you I'll
believe you a bit. I think in the wait training
belt that I put on today and I felt like
a distorted munchkin or a distorted balloomba. And but it
helped me. So that was super up, like a distorted
Have you ever used a weight training belt? Yeah? Yeah,

(01:01:09):
they're hard. They suck yea like all the exercise is
hard working out or something.

Speaker 1 (01:01:16):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (01:01:16):
Absolutely, yes, cool.

Speaker 1 (01:01:19):
Well tell us all where people can find you, because
now I mean you're gonna have like clients. Oh god,
I never said your name.

Speaker 2 (01:01:29):
Oh yeah, I don't need that.

Speaker 1 (01:01:30):
I just said Brian. How are people gonna just.

Speaker 2 (01:01:33):
The guy normally formally known as Brian? Uh So the
company is you embracing you? It's you embracing you dot com.
So it's Wyo, it's you embracing wyou dot com. Name
is Brian Burnett to t is just like Carol Burnett,
those of your God, I'm in groups now and I'll
say stuff. I'm like, oh yes, remember Minni Pearl And
they're like, who I even said the other day? Do

(01:01:56):
you guys remember Whitney Houston? Somebody said who I was? Like,
shut the door?

Speaker 1 (01:02:00):
People don't remember, like save by the bell.

Speaker 2 (01:02:04):
We're getting older anyway. Yeah. Uh so you're embracing you,
Brian Burnett. Uh you were asking really about my coaching? Yeah,
I do. People will come to me and they'll go,
I want I don't know why I can't get the
relationship I want in my life, or I don't know
I'm not making the money I want in my life,
or what's getting in my way. And it's always a belief.
It's a it's a pattern or something, and they believe

(01:02:26):
that it's them. My favorite client was this guy. He
broke up seven times with seven different women. They all
ended the same way, and he's like, I don't know
what's wrong with the women I'm going out with, and
I go do go sitt in the mirror of the
bathroom and go, I'm a fucking idiot, Like it's you're
the common denominator, you idiot. So we looked at it

(01:02:46):
and like he looked at his patterns, I'm like, okay,
walk me through the relationship. What did that look like?
What does this start in the first month? What is
it for the second month? And we kind of walked
through the process and I'm like, now, what are you
hearing that? And I let them discover it versus me
tell them usually because I think it lands more for
people than me, going well did you just hear that?
And then they they get to have their own epiphanies,

(01:03:07):
and and sometimes people aren't ready to hear those epiphanies,
so I just stopped telling them their epiphanies. Well, you
know that is a therapist.

Speaker 1 (01:03:14):
But I'm really glad people could listen to us talk
this through because I think this is a really good
example of what you offer as a coach. Okay, yeah,
but how I mean, how else would anyone really understand?
I mean, you see like Tony Robbins on the stage,
but like this is the This is a very real

(01:03:36):
portrayal of when you hire a coach how it should go.

Speaker 2 (01:03:40):
Yeah. Yeah, I mean honestly, the coach should be the
person telling you things you don't want to hear and
that and like you don't you don't hire someone because
they're nice. You hire them because they're going to hold
you the fire. Yeah, And so that that's the purpose
of a coach in my personal opinion. And you know,
I have this one. I told you this woman. She'll
get on the phone call and she calls yourself a

(01:04:01):
little girl. I'm a I'm a weak little girl. And
she's sixty two years old, and I'm like, don't you
ever ever call yourself out on the fucking phone calling
you were sixty two years old. My do you have
two daughters? Get over that right in that aspect, and
so yeah, don't ever call yourself that that aspects. But
I think that's our job to call people out. That's
what I'm saying. Don't hold people small in these podcasts. Yea,

(01:04:23):
to treat them like they're giants already, and then they
will be giants in your podcast. They will, I guarantee you.

Speaker 1 (01:04:28):
I think it's great. I think I needed to hear it.

Speaker 2 (01:04:31):
Get out of your own way. It's yeah, not worth it.
Yeah cool, Thank you for being here. Thank you appreciate it,
thank you for asking me.

Speaker 1 (01:04:39):
Thank you for showing up after doing all your groups
today and not wanting to fucking be here.

Speaker 2 (01:04:42):
Fucking do you want to be here? She always walking
me walk out of the house. He's like, hey, dude,
you have walking me yet I haven't shit, So yeah,
super awesome.

Speaker 1 (01:04:49):
Oh yeah I have a dog.

Speaker 2 (01:04:50):
I need to take two dogs? Three dogs? Yeah? Oh
your dog? Is she here? No?

Speaker 1 (01:04:56):
Because the heater was broken, So okay, got it. I
don't want to She'd be like panting and then the
microphone to pick it up quick.

Speaker 2 (01:05:03):
Cool. We asked me how to find me, you embracing you, schedules,
you can schedule something on there. Okay, that's a good way. Cool, cool, awesome,
all right, cool cool.

Speaker 1 (01:05:19):
Hey, well that was a different kind of episode, but
I loved it. I feel like the therapy went back
and forth there. That was Brian. Thank you for listening
to Brian and I go back and forth, and you
literally watched Brian coach me into a point of me
then turning it back on to Brian. So wow. A

(01:05:40):
lot of like psychological manipulation going on there too. That
was a very interesting episode. Anyways, thanks for listening to
intentionally disturbing and I will catch you the next time.