What part of your life feels off track right now?
Have you been listening more to your fear or your intuition?
Today, Jay explores what it means to lose control—and why that may be exactly where transformation begins. When plans fall apart and expectations go unmet, the mind defaults to self-blame and shame. But Jay offers a different perspective: perhaps this is not failure, but the unplanned beginning of something better.
Guided by his background in monkhood and supported by research from neuroscience and psychology, Jay introduces six transformative practices for navigating life’s plot twists with intention and grace. He explains how to distinguish between the loud voice of the inner critic and the quiet wisdom of intuition, why guilt and shame block growth, and how letting go of the illusion of control can create space for something far greater than imagined.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Quiet Your Inner Critic
How to Reframe Failure as Redirection
How to Speak to Yourself with Kindness
How to Respond to Setbacks Instead of Resisting Them
How to Stay Grounded When the Plan Falls Apart
How to Let Curiosity Lead You Forward, Not Fear
Control isn’t about perfect plans, it’s about presence. And what seems like an ending might just be the beginning of a more meaningful path.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
00:43 Is Life Not Going According to Plan?
02:47 Step #1: Learn to Pause Your Active Inner Critic
11:03 Step #2: Let Go of the Control Illusion
20:39 Step #3: Reframe Failure as Redirection
22:19 Step #4: Use the Tiny Wins Framework
24:28 Step #5: Expect the Plot Twists
27:23 Step #6: Let Curiosity Lead You Forward
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Stop trying to control everything. Not everything broken needs you
to fix it. You'll burn out before life slows down.
Stop treating peace like a project. It's not something you earn,
it's something you allow. And stop gripping the future so
hard you're crushing the present. The number one Health and
(00:21):
Wellness Podcast, Jay Sheety Jay Sheddy shet Hey, everyone, welcome
back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning
back into the podcast. If you haven't subscribed already, make
sure you click the button below so that you never
miss a video. Now. Today's episode is for anyone who's
(00:45):
ever looked at their life and thought, this is not
how it was supposed to go. This is not the plan,
this is not how I imagined it to be. And
I'm sure so many of you can relate to that.
This is not what you wanted, This is not what
you desired, this is not what you wished for, and
you're feeling stuck. Maybe you didn't get the job, maybe
(01:08):
the relationship ended, maybe you're nowhere near where you thought
you'd be by now. If you feel stuck, if you
feel lost, if you feel confused, this episode is for you.
And before we dive in, I want you to hear
this clearly, that doesn't mean you've failed. It just means
(01:32):
you're in the part of the story you didn't plan for,
and sometimes that's where the real story begins. I want
you to recognize that you feeling stuck right now is
not the end. You're feeling stuck right now is not
a failure. You're feeling stuck right now is not where
(01:52):
the story finishes. By you being here right now, this
is where we rewrite that narrative. It's where you make
that shift, and it's where you feel the switch in
your life. If you follow what I'm about to share
in this episode, you will actually be able to reclaim
ownership over your own life, over your own mind, and
(02:16):
move in the direction that you want and actually even better.
That's what I want you to understand today that the
position you're in right now may not be where you
want to be, but it can be the launchpad of
something even better. So today I want to walk you
through six science backsteps to rebuild your mindset when life
(02:41):
takes a turn you didn't expect. Let's get into it.
Step one is learning to pause the inner critic and
activate the observer. This is an idea that I learned
about during my time as a monk in recognizing the
different voices that exist in our mind. There's the voice
(03:04):
that's always loud, there's the voice that's always certain, and
then there's that quiet observer. Now, a lot of people
ask me this question, Jay, how do I know the
difference between my inner critic and my intuition? How do
I know the difference between my mind and my intuition? Right?
It can be hard. It can feel like there are
(03:24):
a lot of voices, There are a lot of noises
going on inside your mind. How do you decipher? How
do you make sense of it? Here's what I've learned.
Your mind is certain and loud. Right, it will say
to you. Don't do that. You'll look like a fool.
Don't do that at work, everyone will see it. Don't
(03:46):
speak up because you might say something stupid. It's loud
and it's certain, but the intuition is quiet and it's curious. Hey,
maybe you should try that out. Hey, you know what.
I think you might be really good at that. Why
don't we follow it? Hey, you know what, you have
(04:06):
a really good idea. Everyone may not get it, but
it's worth sharing it. Take a moment to notice the
different voices that exist within you. Your inner critic is certain
and loud. You will look like a fall, You're a failure,
you got it wrong. You're not good enough, you're not
(04:27):
smart enough, you're not pretty enough. Very certain, very loud.
The intuition says, I feel like I like this. I
think I'm passionate about this. I think I'm excited about this.
In a difficult position, it says, I think we might
get out of this if we try this. But the
(04:48):
inner critic says, no, don't try it. It's not worth
your time. It's a waste of time. You're just stuck.
So here's what I want you to think about. The
more you listen to that quot yet, to that curious
inner voice, the less you will be affected by that loud,
certain noise of the mind. The reason why the intuition
(05:12):
has got so quiet is because it's been ignored. What
happens to you when you feel like a friend isn't
paying you attention, You shut down, You get quiet, You
don't make as much noise. That's what's happened to our intuition.
It's faded into the background. It's taken the passenger seat,
(05:35):
sometimes from the back of the car. It may whisper,
hey take a left, Hey take a right. Try this out.
But the more we listen to it, the stronger that
voice becomes, the more confidence it gains. So it's really
important first of all, to know the difference between your
inner critic and your mind. And I would even give
(05:55):
them a name, give them a personality, so you know
the difference. Right. The reason why we know which friends
are good for us and which aren't is because we
remember their name, We remember what they look like. The
problem is, the voices in our head don't have a face.
The voices in our head don't have a personality. We
have to create one for them. So choose a name
for your mind that feels like it's nagging you, forcing
(06:18):
you to do what's right, a name that feels like that.
And then choose a name for your intuition, that good friend,
that deep friend, that sincere, genuine person who really wants
to help you, who really wants to make a difference
in your life. The next thing we have to do
is learn to speak to ourselves with the kindness and
(06:42):
the empathy we would use to speak to someone we love.
Something I've noticed about high performing people. Having sat down
with so many are now is that they have two traits.
They are high standards and high grace. High standards make sense.
They want to be the best. They want to push themselves,
(07:02):
they want to drive, they want to succeed in business,
in their career, in their passion, in their purpose. And
we should all have high standards. If we don't demand
high standards of ourselves, we will shrink to very low
expectations of others. Think about that for a second. If
you don't set high standards for yourself, you will shrink
(07:26):
to the low expectations of others. But here's the most
important part. Everyone who has high standards, who achieves them,
has high grace, the ability to recognize that actually guilt
blocks growth. Shame doesn't lead to change. I won't shift
(07:47):
myself by guilty myself. I won't become better by making
myself feel bad for too long. It may work in
the short term. There's an amazing speech by Roger Federer
where he talked about how when he's playing a point,
it is the most important point in the world, but
(08:09):
when that point is over, whether he won or lost,
that point is the least important point.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
In the world.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
That is the difference between high standards and also having
high grace when you're playing the point, when you're in
the moment, you take it seriously. When you lose, when
things don't go to plan, When things don't go in
the way you imagined, they weren't that important. Remember this.
Stop saying mean things to yourself you'd never say to
(08:41):
someone else. Stop being critical in your head just because
no one else can hear it. Stop believing your worst
thoughts just because they're loud. Stop mistaking your inner critic
for your inner truth. Start listening to how you speak
to yourself, because no one lives in your head more
(09:04):
than you do. It's natural. I get it. When life
doesn't go to plan, the first instinct is to blame,
and mostly toward ourselves. I should have known better, I
should have done more. But here's what Research from self
compassion expert doctor Christin Nelf shows self judgment in moments
(09:26):
of failure increases cortisol. Think about that for a second.
Self judgment in moments of failure increases cortisol. It decreases
motivation and keeps you stuck in shame. How many times
have you done that? You make a mistake and now
you're beating yourself up about it, not just in the
(09:46):
morning when you look in the mirror, but at night,
before your head hits the pillow. You're constantly replaying that
moment you messed up at work. Maybe you want the
perfect parent today, and all of a sudden, you've gone
from wanting to be the perfect parent to believe even
you're the worst parent of all time. Your motivation decreases,
your quarters all increases, and it keeps you stuck in shame.
(10:09):
You can't shift from shame. So what helps instead mindful
self observation. It's the shift from I messed up? Two?
Interesting this thing go how I thought? Stop saying I'm
not good enough. You're not lazy. You're drained from carrying
(10:33):
what no one sees. You're not falling behind. You're healing
in a world that rewards burnout. You're not the problem.
The pressure is. You're not unmotivated. You're tired of pretending
you're fine. You're not lost. You're just not on someone
(10:54):
else's timeline, and you're not stuck. You're processing, and that counts.
Step number two. Let go of the control illusion. One
of the reasons why we don't like it when things
don't go to plan is we wanted everything perfectly controlled,
(11:15):
We had everything mapped out. Maybe you had a color
coded spreadsheet right and you wanted everything to happen exactly
how it was mapped out. That control illusion creates so
much resistance in our life. Sometimes the things you can't
plan for a control are really big and hard, and
sometimes they happen in the most beautiful way. Have you
(11:35):
ever noticed how the best parts of a trip or
moments in life are never the ones you actually planned.
I think about this. One time RADI and I had
everything mapped out, full schedule, that's how I like to function,
but someone casually invited us to this gathering, no real
dress code, no plan, no agenda. We showed up and
it turned into one of the most meaningful nights of
(11:56):
the year. No cameras, no expectations, just connection, the kind
of night where you forget to check your phone because
you're so into it. And then there was another time
I was in La, completely exhausted, a friend texting me
last minute, come to this dinner. I almost said no,
but I went and I ended up in a backyard
eating amazing food, having a live stand up comedy show.
(12:19):
Surrounded by people I'd never met who somehow felt like
old friends. That moment wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't
plan it, but it stayed with me. It shifted something.
That's the kind of traveling moments I crave, not just
the sites or the luxury, but those rare, unexpected experiences
that wake you up a little. We all chase destinations,
(12:41):
but what we're really chasing is that spark, that a liveness.
And when a door opens to something like that, whether
it's a private dinner, a behind the scenes moment, or
something you couldn't have found on your own, I'm saying
yes every time, because in the end, it's not about
where you were, it's about how it made you feel.
(13:02):
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(14:52):
to what you want in life, just not in the
way you imagine it. The problem with the control illusion
is you have an im you're projecting here and reality
is happening down here, and when reality doesn't match your imagination,
you think there's something wrong with reality, as opposed to
realizing that in reality, you may get to the result
(15:16):
of your imagination, but not through the path of your imagination.
So many people don't get to where they want because
the path looks different to what they imagined. Don't give
up on your goal because the path looks different. Don't
give up on the result because your road looks different.
(15:38):
The path, the road, the journey to where you want
to go, is definitely going to look different to what
you planned. I'm certain of that. There is no one
in the history of the world who got to where
they want to in love, relationships, or their career in
exactly the way they planned. They will all tell you
(16:00):
there were pivots, there were detours, there were reroutes, there
were even full on U turns. But the control illusion
trips each and every one of us up. Don't let
the control illusion be the reason you don't get to
where you want. The control illusion says, well, if it
doesn't happen my way, I don't want it. Well, if
(16:23):
this is not happening, if this isn't the sign I'm
being shown, then nothing works. And what ends up happening
is something amazing could be happening for you, but you
miss it. It's almost like imagine you're knocking on a
door and you're waiting for it to open, and while
you're knocking on that door, three other doors open for you.
But you're so busy knocking on this door and wondering
(16:46):
why it doesn't open that you miss out on the
three other doors that were waiting for you to walk
through them. We all do this in our life. We're
so busy knocking on this door endlessly, don't turn around
to look at the one that's open in inviting us.
I have seen in my life time and time again
(17:07):
that often the doors I want to open don't open immediately,
And if I would have stayed in that position, that's
how I stay stuck. If you feel stuck right now,
it's because you're stuck waiting for one door to open,
rather than realizing there are three others that are inviting
you in right now. That's why we feel stuck. We're
(17:29):
waiting on the doorstep, going when will this door open?
And you can be waiting seven years and the door
may open in seven years, but you don't know, so
you stay stuck. You feel stuck, But hey, if you
walked into the other door, you could come back out
and move into that door in seven years. It will
work out. Stop trying to control everything. Not everything broken
(17:51):
needs you to fix it. Stop trying to outrun uncertainty.
You'll burn out before life slows down. Stop managing everyone's
emotions like it's your full time job. Stop treating peace
like a project. It's not something you earn, it's something
(18:11):
you allow. And stop waiting for life to make sense
it rarely does in real time. And stop gripping the
future so hard you're crushing the present. What's meant for
you won't need force, Just focus. One of the biggest
(18:32):
reasons we spiral when plans fall apart is because of
illusion control, the belief we should be able to predict
and manage everything. But studies from doctor Ellen Langer Harvard
show that people who accept uncertainty actually experience less anxiety
(18:53):
and better performance over time. You can't plan for every twist,
but you can decide how you respond to it. The
problem is when we try to plan for every twist,
we try to be prepared for every pivot, and guess what,
even trying your best, it won't happen. So here's your reminder.
(19:14):
Control the next step, Control your response, not the whole story.
I'm sure you've reached places in your life that you
never imagined. I'm sure you got over breakups and heartbreak
you never imagined you would. This feeling you're having right now,
of being stuck, of feeling like life's not going to plan,
(19:37):
maybe what opens you up to a bigger plan. We
all think our imagination's pretty good, but the universe's imagination
far surpasses anything in this limited mind. Just think about
the Solar System, think about the planets, think about nature.
(19:58):
Everything is taken care of and every everything is provided for.
It's only us that believe our imagination surpasses that of
the universe. Don't compare your limited imagination to the limitless
abundance of the universe. The universe has the ability to
gift you more than you could ever imagine. You may
(20:21):
think your vision is big, but the universes as bigger
if you're willing to tap in and tune in. Step
number three is reframe failure as redirection. You are not
a failure. You're someone who started. You're not lost. You're
(20:42):
in between versions of yourself. You're not starting over, You're
re entering with better instincts. You're not finished, but you're
also not at the start. You're not off track, you're
off autopilot. See here's the reality. Your brain is wired
to see failure as danger. The Amigdala lights up, triggering
(21:07):
a threat response. But when researchers at Columbia studied how
high performers recover, they found a pattern. They reframe setbacks
as information, not identity. Stop saying I failed. Try this instead.
This is feedback I didn't ask for, but maybe I needed.
(21:31):
This is information that will help me next time. Reframe, Well,
maybe this isn't the right path for me too. Maybe
it's just a long way, maybe it's a different way.
Thomas Edison famously said I didn't fail nine nine hundred
and ninety nine times. I just found nine hundred and
(21:53):
ninety nine times that it didn't work. That's the shift.
If you find the one way it works, do you
care that you tried ninety nine times? I'm guessing not.
So reframe each way to be okay. I just know
it doesn't work this way, all right, I just know
it doesn't work this way. This is just not the
(22:13):
way it works. It works a different way. Let me
be open to that. Step four use the tiny winds framework.
When your plan collapses, your sense of momentum often goes
with it. So how do you rebuild it? Use something
known as the progress principle from Harvard Business School. Tiny wins,
(22:36):
even microacts create a measurable increase in confidence and motivation.
There's a reason when you're growing up as a kid,
your parents would put lines on the wall to see
how far you are growing, because when you're close to something,
you actually miss the growth. Right. You may even see
that in yourself. Maybe you started working out, maybe you
started walking ten thousand steps, and someone sees you and
(22:58):
they say, wow, I can tell you look healthier. I
can tell you've been taking care of yourself. And you're like,
no way, I'm still you know, I still want to
lose or gain this way, I still want to build
this muscle. When you're figuring out things on your own
up close, you'll never feel like you're growing. And that's
why we don't grow, because we're looking for the big wins,
(23:19):
not the small ones. So here's the question, what's one
small thing you can complete today that brings you closer
to what matters. For example, let's say your business failed.
Don't relaunch the whole brand. Start with a twenty minute
brainstorm or reach out to one customer to get feedback.
(23:40):
Maybe you're going through a breakup and instead of trying
to find love and convince yourself that love still exists,
you're just going to do something where you enjoy your
own company. Momentum comes from movement, not miracles. Let me
say that again. Momentum comes from movement, not miracles. While
you waiting for the big miracle, what will motivate you
(24:03):
more is this small movement. Just start Start small, Start shaky,
start unsure, Start before you're confident, Start before it makes sense.
Start with what you have, not with what you wish
you had. Start ugly, start unprepared, start imperfect, but make
(24:26):
sure you start Step five. This time expect the plot twist.
What people don't realize is that as you start building,
is you start growing, you start to think that everything's
going to plan. And here's what I realized. So many
(24:46):
of us are surprised by the plot twist, that we
shock ourselves into paralysis. I saw an amazing post the
other day on social media, and it showed two sets
of water cups. The top water cups all had the
equal amount of water in them, and on top it said,
(25:09):
this is what we think consistency looks like. On the
second line of water cups, one was half full, one
was three quarters full, one was a quarter full, and
it said, this is what consistency actually looks like. We
think when we're in the zone, every day is going
to be the same. I'm going to work out five
(25:30):
days a week every week for twelve months. The reality
is one week you may work out three times, the
next seven times, the next four times, the next two times,
the next five times. That's what consistency actually looks like.
But when you hold on to that plan of five
days a week perfect workouts, you actually feel further and
(25:52):
further away from it. Expect the plot twist. According to
positive Psychology, research by doctor Sonya Bubomirski. People who are
happier long term tend to be more psychologically flexible. They
can hold multiple truths at once. So, for example, stop
saying this wasn't the plan. Try thinking, this wasn't the plan,
(26:16):
but it might be part of something better. This is
the shift we need to make. This wasn't the plan,
but this might lead to something better. All of a sudden,
the neural pathways of opportunities open up in your mind.
All of a sudden, you see the possibilities, not just
the pain. You're not negating, you're not disregarding what you're feeling.
(26:42):
They can be grief, they can be stressed, but you're
opening up this vision. Think of the best people you admire,
the ones with depth, character, soul. None of them got
there without a plot twist. As the famous saying goes,
sometimes the plan not working is the plan and working.
Sometimes things going wrong is actually them going right. Sometimes
(27:08):
things that look like a curse end up being the
blessing if you are open to see it, if you're
open to view it, if you're open to the possibilities
and opportunities, and step number six, let curiosity lead you forward.
When things fall apart, don't rush to the next big fix.
(27:32):
Instead follow curiosity. Research from neuroscientist doctor Mary Helen Immordino
Yang shows that curiosity activates a deeper cognitive state tied
to purpose and resilience. When you ask what if instead
of what now? You open doors instead of closing them.
(27:56):
Journal about this. Think of a time in your life
where you were convinced it was the end, it was
a failure, and it was the worst thing that could
have happened to you. And how it became an opportunity
for something you never imagined. That's what's amazing. When things
(28:17):
don't go to plan, you get the opportunity to build
off plan. When things don't go as you imagined, things
can actually turn out better than you could have ever
thought of. Open your mind to that. Reflect on this,
what if? This is the exact moment I was meant
(28:38):
to reset? So I get it. Life hasn't gone to
plan lately, and it's the worst. It's hard, it's tough,
it's difficult, But remember this. The plan was never the point.
The growth was and the goal was. You don't need
to know what comes next, You just need to know
(29:01):
that this is not the end. This is the part
where you choose how the story continues. Thank you so
much for listening. If this helped you, share it with
someone who else is in there in between, And remember
sometimes this is what it takes. I want you to
remember you'll get to what you want in life, just
(29:22):
not in the way you imagined it. You don't have
to give up on the goal. You just have to
focus on the growth. I'll catch you in the next episode.
Leave a comment. Let me know which journal imprompt you're doing,
what you're reflecting on. I want to see what's connecting
with you, what you're engaging with, And remember, keep moving.
You're not lazy, you're tired, You're not behind. You're human.
(29:47):
Not every thought is truth, Some are just noise. Not
every voice in your head deserves a microphone. You've survived
every hard day so far. You're allowed to speak to
yourself with respect. Growth sounds like kindness, not cruelty. You
(30:09):
don't get stronger by tearing yourself down. If you love
this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with doctor Daniel Aman
on how to change your life by changing your brain.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with
a healthy brain. You know I've had the blessing or
the curse to scan over a thousand convicted felons and
over one hundred murderers, and their brains are very damaged.
Stop trying to control everything. Not everything broken needs you
to fix it. You'll burn out before life slows down.
Stop treating peace like a project. It's not something you earn,
it's something you allow. And stop gripping the future so
hard you're crushing the present. The number one Health and
(00:21):
Wellness Podcast, Jay Sheety Jay Sheddy shet Hey, everyone, welcome
back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning
back into the podcast. If you haven't subscribed already, make
sure you click the button below so that you never
miss a video. Now. Today's episode is for anyone who's
(00:45):
ever looked at their life and thought, this is not
how it was supposed to go. This is not the plan,
this is not how I imagined it to be. And
I'm sure so many of you can relate to that.
This is not what you wanted, This is not what
you desired, this is not what you wished for, and
you're feeling stuck. Maybe you didn't get the job, maybe
(01:08):
the relationship ended, maybe you're nowhere near where you thought
you'd be by now. If you feel stuck, if you
feel lost, if you feel confused, this episode is for you.
And before we dive in, I want you to hear
this clearly, that doesn't mean you've failed. It just means
(01:32):
you're in the part of the story you didn't plan for,
and sometimes that's where the real story begins. I want
you to recognize that you feeling stuck right now is
not the end. You're feeling stuck right now is not
a failure. You're feeling stuck right now is not where
(01:52):
the story finishes. By you being here right now, this
is where we rewrite that narrative. It's where you make
that shift, and it's where you feel the switch in
your life. If you follow what I'm about to share
in this episode, you will actually be able to reclaim
ownership over your own life, over your own mind, and
(02:16):
move in the direction that you want and actually even better.
That's what I want you to understand today that the
position you're in right now may not be where you
want to be, but it can be the launchpad of
something even better. So today I want to walk you
through six science backsteps to rebuild your mindset when life
(02:41):
takes a turn you didn't expect. Let's get into it.
Step one is learning to pause the inner critic and
activate the observer. This is an idea that I learned
about during my time as a monk in recognizing the
different voices that exist in our mind. There's the voice
(03:04):
that's always loud, there's the voice that's always certain, and
then there's that quiet observer. Now, a lot of people
ask me this question, Jay, how do I know the
difference between my inner critic and my intuition? How do
I know the difference between my mind and my intuition? Right?
It can be hard. It can feel like there are
(03:24):
a lot of voices, There are a lot of noises
going on inside your mind. How do you decipher? How
do you make sense of it? Here's what I've learned.
Your mind is certain and loud. Right, it will say
to you. Don't do that. You'll look like a fool.
Don't do that at work, everyone will see it. Don't
(03:46):
speak up because you might say something stupid. It's loud
and it's certain, but the intuition is quiet and it's curious. Hey,
maybe you should try that out. Hey, you know what.
I think you might be really good at that. Why
don't we follow it? Hey, you know what, you have
(04:06):
a really good idea. Everyone may not get it, but
it's worth sharing it. Take a moment to notice the
different voices that exist within you. Your inner critic is certain
and loud. You will look like a fall, You're a failure,
you got it wrong. You're not good enough, you're not
(04:27):
smart enough, you're not pretty enough. Very certain, very loud.
The intuition says, I feel like I like this. I
think I'm passionate about this. I think I'm excited about this.
In a difficult position, it says, I think we might
get out of this if we try this. But the
(04:48):
inner critic says, no, don't try it. It's not worth
your time. It's a waste of time. You're just stuck.
So here's what I want you to think about. The
more you listen to that quot yet, to that curious
inner voice, the less you will be affected by that loud,
certain noise of the mind. The reason why the intuition
(05:12):
has got so quiet is because it's been ignored. What
happens to you when you feel like a friend isn't
paying you attention, You shut down, You get quiet, You
don't make as much noise. That's what's happened to our intuition.
It's faded into the background. It's taken the passenger seat,
(05:35):
sometimes from the back of the car. It may whisper,
hey take a left, Hey take a right. Try this out.
But the more we listen to it, the stronger that
voice becomes, the more confidence it gains. So it's really
important first of all, to know the difference between your
inner critic and your mind. And I would even give
(05:55):
them a name, give them a personality, so you know
the difference. Right. The reason why we know which friends
are good for us and which aren't is because we
remember their name, We remember what they look like. The
problem is, the voices in our head don't have a face.
The voices in our head don't have a personality. We
have to create one for them. So choose a name
for your mind that feels like it's nagging you, forcing
(06:18):
you to do what's right, a name that feels like that.
And then choose a name for your intuition, that good friend,
that deep friend, that sincere, genuine person who really wants
to help you, who really wants to make a difference
in your life. The next thing we have to do
is learn to speak to ourselves with the kindness and
(06:42):
the empathy we would use to speak to someone we love.
Something I've noticed about high performing people. Having sat down
with so many are now is that they have two traits.
They are high standards and high grace. High standards make sense.
They want to be the best. They want to push themselves,
(07:02):
they want to drive, they want to succeed in business,
in their career, in their passion, in their purpose. And
we should all have high standards. If we don't demand
high standards of ourselves, we will shrink to very low
expectations of others. Think about that for a second. If
you don't set high standards for yourself, you will shrink
(07:26):
to the low expectations of others. But here's the most
important part. Everyone who has high standards, who achieves them,
has high grace, the ability to recognize that actually guilt
blocks growth. Shame doesn't lead to change. I won't shift
(07:47):
myself by guilty myself. I won't become better by making
myself feel bad for too long. It may work in
the short term. There's an amazing speech by Roger Federer
where he talked about how when he's playing a point,
it is the most important point in the world, but
(08:09):
when that point is over, whether he won or lost,
that point is the least important point.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
In the world.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
That is the difference between high standards and also having
high grace when you're playing the point, when you're in
the moment, you take it seriously. When you lose, when
things don't go to plan, When things don't go in
the way you imagined, they weren't that important. Remember this.
Stop saying mean things to yourself you'd never say to
(08:41):
someone else. Stop being critical in your head just because
no one else can hear it. Stop believing your worst
thoughts just because they're loud. Stop mistaking your inner critic
for your inner truth. Start listening to how you speak
to yourself, because no one lives in your head more
(09:04):
than you do. It's natural. I get it. When life
doesn't go to plan, the first instinct is to blame,
and mostly toward ourselves. I should have known better, I
should have done more. But here's what Research from self
compassion expert doctor Christin Nelf shows self judgment in moments
(09:26):
of failure increases cortisol. Think about that for a second.
Self judgment in moments of failure increases cortisol. It decreases
motivation and keeps you stuck in shame. How many times
have you done that? You make a mistake and now
you're beating yourself up about it, not just in the
(09:46):
morning when you look in the mirror, but at night,
before your head hits the pillow. You're constantly replaying that
moment you messed up at work. Maybe you want the
perfect parent today, and all of a sudden, you've gone
from wanting to be the perfect parent to believe even
you're the worst parent of all time. Your motivation decreases,
your quarters all increases, and it keeps you stuck in shame.
(10:09):
You can't shift from shame. So what helps instead mindful
self observation. It's the shift from I messed up? Two?
Interesting this thing go how I thought? Stop saying I'm
not good enough. You're not lazy. You're drained from carrying
(10:33):
what no one sees. You're not falling behind. You're healing
in a world that rewards burnout. You're not the problem.
The pressure is. You're not unmotivated. You're tired of pretending
you're fine. You're not lost. You're just not on someone
(10:54):
else's timeline, and you're not stuck. You're processing, and that counts.
Step number two. Let go of the control illusion. One
of the reasons why we don't like it when things
don't go to plan is we wanted everything perfectly controlled,
(11:15):
We had everything mapped out. Maybe you had a color
coded spreadsheet right and you wanted everything to happen exactly
how it was mapped out. That control illusion creates so
much resistance in our life. Sometimes the things you can't
plan for a control are really big and hard, and
sometimes they happen in the most beautiful way. Have you
(11:35):
ever noticed how the best parts of a trip or
moments in life are never the ones you actually planned.
I think about this. One time RADI and I had
everything mapped out, full schedule, that's how I like to function,
but someone casually invited us to this gathering, no real
dress code, no plan, no agenda. We showed up and
it turned into one of the most meaningful nights of
(11:56):
the year. No cameras, no expectations, just connection, the kind
of night where you forget to check your phone because
you're so into it. And then there was another time
I was in La, completely exhausted, a friend texting me
last minute, come to this dinner. I almost said no,
but I went and I ended up in a backyard
eating amazing food, having a live stand up comedy show.
(12:19):
Surrounded by people I'd never met who somehow felt like
old friends. That moment wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't
plan it, but it stayed with me. It shifted something.
That's the kind of traveling moments I crave, not just
the sites or the luxury, but those rare, unexpected experiences
that wake you up a little. We all chase destinations,
(12:41):
but what we're really chasing is that spark, that a liveness.
And when a door opens to something like that, whether
it's a private dinner, a behind the scenes moment, or
something you couldn't have found on your own, I'm saying
yes every time, because in the end, it's not about
where you were, it's about how it made you feel.
(13:02):
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(14:52):
to what you want in life, just not in the
way you imagine it. The problem with the control illusion
is you have an im you're projecting here and reality
is happening down here, and when reality doesn't match your imagination,
you think there's something wrong with reality, as opposed to
realizing that in reality, you may get to the result
(15:16):
of your imagination, but not through the path of your imagination.
So many people don't get to where they want because
the path looks different to what they imagined. Don't give
up on your goal because the path looks different. Don't
give up on the result because your road looks different.
(15:38):
The path, the road, the journey to where you want
to go, is definitely going to look different to what
you planned. I'm certain of that. There is no one
in the history of the world who got to where
they want to in love, relationships, or their career in
exactly the way they planned. They will all tell you
(16:00):
there were pivots, there were detours, there were reroutes, there
were even full on U turns. But the control illusion
trips each and every one of us up. Don't let
the control illusion be the reason you don't get to
where you want. The control illusion says, well, if it
doesn't happen my way, I don't want it. Well, if
(16:23):
this is not happening, if this isn't the sign I'm
being shown, then nothing works. And what ends up happening
is something amazing could be happening for you, but you
miss it. It's almost like imagine you're knocking on a
door and you're waiting for it to open, and while
you're knocking on that door, three other doors open for you.
But you're so busy knocking on this door and wondering
(16:46):
why it doesn't open that you miss out on the
three other doors that were waiting for you to walk
through them. We all do this in our life. We're
so busy knocking on this door endlessly, don't turn around
to look at the one that's open in inviting us.
I have seen in my life time and time again
(17:07):
that often the doors I want to open don't open immediately,
And if I would have stayed in that position, that's
how I stay stuck. If you feel stuck right now,
it's because you're stuck waiting for one door to open,
rather than realizing there are three others that are inviting
you in right now. That's why we feel stuck. We're
(17:29):
waiting on the doorstep, going when will this door open?
And you can be waiting seven years and the door
may open in seven years, but you don't know, so
you stay stuck. You feel stuck, But hey, if you
walked into the other door, you could come back out
and move into that door in seven years. It will
work out. Stop trying to control everything. Not everything broken
(17:51):
needs you to fix it. Stop trying to outrun uncertainty.
You'll burn out before life slows down. Stop managing everyone's
emotions like it's your full time job. Stop treating peace
like a project. It's not something you earn, it's something
(18:11):
you allow. And stop waiting for life to make sense
it rarely does in real time. And stop gripping the
future so hard you're crushing the present. What's meant for
you won't need force, Just focus. One of the biggest
(18:32):
reasons we spiral when plans fall apart is because of
illusion control, the belief we should be able to predict
and manage everything. But studies from doctor Ellen Langer Harvard
show that people who accept uncertainty actually experience less anxiety
(18:53):
and better performance over time. You can't plan for every twist,
but you can decide how you respond to it. The
problem is when we try to plan for every twist,
we try to be prepared for every pivot, and guess what,
even trying your best, it won't happen. So here's your reminder.
(19:14):
Control the next step, Control your response, not the whole story.
I'm sure you've reached places in your life that you
never imagined. I'm sure you got over breakups and heartbreak
you never imagined you would. This feeling you're having right now,
of being stuck, of feeling like life's not going to plan,
(19:37):
maybe what opens you up to a bigger plan. We
all think our imagination's pretty good, but the universe's imagination
far surpasses anything in this limited mind. Just think about
the Solar System, think about the planets, think about nature.
(19:58):
Everything is taken care of and every everything is provided for.
It's only us that believe our imagination surpasses that of
the universe. Don't compare your limited imagination to the limitless
abundance of the universe. The universe has the ability to
gift you more than you could ever imagine. You may
(20:21):
think your vision is big, but the universes as bigger
if you're willing to tap in and tune in. Step
number three is reframe failure as redirection. You are not
a failure. You're someone who started. You're not lost. You're
(20:42):
in between versions of yourself. You're not starting over, You're
re entering with better instincts. You're not finished, but you're
also not at the start. You're not off track, you're
off autopilot. See here's the reality. Your brain is wired
to see failure as danger. The Amigdala lights up, triggering
(21:07):
a threat response. But when researchers at Columbia studied how
high performers recover, they found a pattern. They reframe setbacks
as information, not identity. Stop saying I failed. Try this instead.
This is feedback I didn't ask for, but maybe I needed.
(21:31):
This is information that will help me next time. Reframe, Well,
maybe this isn't the right path for me too. Maybe
it's just a long way, maybe it's a different way.
Thomas Edison famously said I didn't fail nine nine hundred
and ninety nine times. I just found nine hundred and
(21:53):
ninety nine times that it didn't work. That's the shift.
If you find the one way it works, do you
care that you tried ninety nine times? I'm guessing not.
So reframe each way to be okay. I just know
it doesn't work this way, all right, I just know
it doesn't work this way. This is just not the
(22:13):
way it works. It works a different way. Let me
be open to that. Step four use the tiny winds framework.
When your plan collapses, your sense of momentum often goes
with it. So how do you rebuild it? Use something
known as the progress principle from Harvard Business School. Tiny wins,
(22:36):
even microacts create a measurable increase in confidence and motivation.
There's a reason when you're growing up as a kid,
your parents would put lines on the wall to see
how far you are growing, because when you're close to something,
you actually miss the growth. Right. You may even see
that in yourself. Maybe you started working out, maybe you
started walking ten thousand steps, and someone sees you and
(22:58):
they say, wow, I can tell you look healthier. I
can tell you've been taking care of yourself. And you're like,
no way, I'm still you know, I still want to
lose or gain this way, I still want to build
this muscle. When you're figuring out things on your own
up close, you'll never feel like you're growing. And that's
why we don't grow, because we're looking for the big wins,
(23:19):
not the small ones. So here's the question, what's one
small thing you can complete today that brings you closer
to what matters. For example, let's say your business failed.
Don't relaunch the whole brand. Start with a twenty minute
brainstorm or reach out to one customer to get feedback.
(23:40):
Maybe you're going through a breakup and instead of trying
to find love and convince yourself that love still exists,
you're just going to do something where you enjoy your
own company. Momentum comes from movement, not miracles. Let me
say that again. Momentum comes from movement, not miracles. While
you waiting for the big miracle, what will motivate you
(24:03):
more is this small movement. Just start Start small, Start shaky,
start unsure, Start before you're confident, Start before it makes sense.
Start with what you have, not with what you wish
you had. Start ugly, start unprepared, start imperfect, but make
(24:26):
sure you start Step five. This time expect the plot twist.
What people don't realize is that as you start building,
is you start growing, you start to think that everything's
going to plan. And here's what I realized. So many
(24:46):
of us are surprised by the plot twist, that we
shock ourselves into paralysis. I saw an amazing post the
other day on social media, and it showed two sets
of water cups. The top water cups all had the
equal amount of water in them, and on top it said,
(25:09):
this is what we think consistency looks like. On the
second line of water cups, one was half full, one
was three quarters full, one was a quarter full, and
it said, this is what consistency actually looks like. We
think when we're in the zone, every day is going
to be the same. I'm going to work out five
(25:30):
days a week every week for twelve months. The reality
is one week you may work out three times, the
next seven times, the next four times, the next two times,
the next five times. That's what consistency actually looks like.
But when you hold on to that plan of five
days a week perfect workouts, you actually feel further and
(25:52):
further away from it. Expect the plot twist. According to
positive Psychology, research by doctor Sonya Bubomirski. People who are
happier long term tend to be more psychologically flexible. They
can hold multiple truths at once. So, for example, stop
saying this wasn't the plan. Try thinking, this wasn't the plan,
(26:16):
but it might be part of something better. This is
the shift we need to make. This wasn't the plan,
but this might lead to something better. All of a sudden,
the neural pathways of opportunities open up in your mind.
All of a sudden, you see the possibilities, not just
the pain. You're not negating, you're not disregarding what you're feeling.
(26:42):
They can be grief, they can be stressed, but you're
opening up this vision. Think of the best people you admire,
the ones with depth, character, soul. None of them got
there without a plot twist. As the famous saying goes,
sometimes the plan not working is the plan and working.
Sometimes things going wrong is actually them going right. Sometimes
(27:08):
things that look like a curse end up being the
blessing if you are open to see it, if you're
open to view it, if you're open to the possibilities
and opportunities, and step number six, let curiosity lead you forward.
When things fall apart, don't rush to the next big fix.
(27:32):
Instead follow curiosity. Research from neuroscientist doctor Mary Helen Immordino
Yang shows that curiosity activates a deeper cognitive state tied
to purpose and resilience. When you ask what if instead
of what now? You open doors instead of closing them.
(27:56):
Journal about this. Think of a time in your life
where you were convinced it was the end, it was
a failure, and it was the worst thing that could
have happened to you. And how it became an opportunity
for something you never imagined. That's what's amazing. When things
(28:17):
don't go to plan, you get the opportunity to build
off plan. When things don't go as you imagined, things
can actually turn out better than you could have ever
thought of. Open your mind to that. Reflect on this,
what if? This is the exact moment I was meant
(28:38):
to reset? So I get it. Life hasn't gone to
plan lately, and it's the worst. It's hard, it's tough,
it's difficult, But remember this. The plan was never the point.
The growth was and the goal was. You don't need
to know what comes next, You just need to know
(29:01):
that this is not the end. This is the part
where you choose how the story continues. Thank you so
much for listening. If this helped you, share it with
someone who else is in there in between, And remember
sometimes this is what it takes. I want you to
remember you'll get to what you want in life, just
(29:22):
not in the way you imagined it. You don't have
to give up on the goal. You just have to
focus on the growth. I'll catch you in the next episode.
Leave a comment. Let me know which journal imprompt you're doing,
what you're reflecting on. I want to see what's connecting
with you, what you're engaging with, And remember, keep moving.
You're not lazy, you're tired, You're not behind. You're human.
(29:47):
Not every thought is truth, Some are just noise. Not
every voice in your head deserves a microphone. You've survived
every hard day so far. You're allowed to speak to
yourself with respect. Growth sounds like kindness, not cruelty. You
(30:09):
don't get stronger by tearing yourself down. If you love
this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with doctor Daniel Aman
on how to change your life by changing your brain.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with
a healthy brain. You know I've had the blessing or
the curse to scan over a thousand convicted felons and
over one hundred murderers, and their brains are very damaged.
Host
Jay Shetty
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