Julia Fox EXCLUSIVE: ‘I Still Hear a Voice That Says I’m Nothing’ (The Real Story Behind Surviving Addiction, Life as a Sex Worker, and How Motherhood Saved Her)

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
To see me who would go to jail, get arrested,
get into fights, steal stuff, break stuff, trespass, overdose.

Speaker 2 (00:07):
One hundred times, just a mess.

Speaker 1 (00:09):
And then to see me be successful, and I'd probably
hate me too, should we get Fox is known for
many things, a fashion designer, actress, author do you Know
from films such as Uncut, Gems and No Sudden News,
as well as the host of OMG Fashion on E
Juliet Fox.

Speaker 3 (00:27):
What's a childed experience that you feel left a defining
monk on your life?

Speaker 1 (00:33):
My parents always fighting, like horrible, horrible fights. I would
just like go into the bathroom and I would just
turn on the hair dryer and I just lay on
the floor for like six hours.

Speaker 3 (00:43):
At seventeen, you decided to become a sex work and.

Speaker 1 (00:46):
I could really disassociate and detach. I think that's why
it was so easy for me to enter an industry
like that. And I actually found the whole experience really empowering.
For the first time in my life, I actually kind
of gained some self worth.

Speaker 3 (01:00):
Where did you get addicted to heroin in that journey?

Speaker 1 (01:02):
But it's akin to like what being in your mother's
womb would feel like. Heroin kind of became a replacement Mommy.

Speaker 3 (01:10):
Did you say in the book that motherhood saved you?

Speaker 1 (01:14):
If there's one thing I'm determined to do is to
not give him a childhood.

Speaker 3 (01:19):
What was that journey for you to actually get clean?

Speaker 1 (01:23):
I had to do all that messy stuff and be
that girl to end up in this chair today.

Speaker 2 (01:31):
The number one health and wellness podcast.

Speaker 4 (01:34):
Jay Shetty, Jay Shetty, See Only She.

Speaker 3 (01:40):
I'm so excited to finally share the live interviews from
my very first podcast tour, presented by Chase Sapphire Reserve.
The first episode features an unforgettable conversation with none other
than Julia Fox, recorded live at the Iconic Theater at
Madison Square Garden in New York City, Special thanks to

(02:01):
MSG Entertainment and the Theater at Madison Square Garden. I
want to start by saying this, me and Julie, we're
talking about this on the way down from the green room.
We're talking about how you wouldn't expect to see me
and Julia on the same stage together, and we're from
very different worlds, very different backgrounds. But over the last
few days I've been listening to her audiobook down the Drain,

(02:22):
her book, her memoir. I listened to it, and I
can honestly say that her story was so powerful, it
was empowering, it was fascinating, and if I'm completely honest,
the reason I built on purpose was to have conversations
like this where you might be surprised to find it unexpected,
but to find the common tissue that we all look

(02:43):
for as humans. And so I'm so grateful you said yes,
and thank you so much.

Speaker 2 (02:47):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (02:49):
That's actually something I want to say, is like a
lot of times we're more alike than we are different,
you know, and you kind of have to make the
effort sometimes to find ask questions and be interested. And
because a lot of times we're all kind of going
through the same stuff, you know, And I feel like
we're so programmed to see the differences, and especially you know,

(03:12):
we're getting so much influence telling us that these people
are bad and that, you know, and we're just constantly
being divided. But really we all have very similar feelings,
you know.

Speaker 3 (03:26):
Yeah, we're going through so many of the same emotions,
the same ups and downs, the same challenges, and I don't
want to dive into some of those with you, but
I wanted to start off with something funny that I
thought you said that I love you's once said I've
always been the main character in my head, and I
wanted to ask, seeing as we're in New York, how
do you channel main character energy.

Speaker 1 (03:48):
I mean, I think everyone living in New York feels
that way.

Speaker 3 (03:54):
You know.

Speaker 1 (03:54):
It's like I think you kind of have to be
that way, you know. And also we are that way
just naturally, you know. I just some people admit it
and some people don't, you know, but totally, you know,
especially here in New York, where, like you know, no

(04:15):
two days are alike, and some days it feels like
everything is going wrong. Like I remember, I would have
this game that I would play with myself, where like
if I went because I'd go to school, I take
the subway and if like I was getting down to
the subway and the door would stop right in front
of me, then I knew it was going to be
a good day, you know, And it really like it

(04:35):
did set kind of a precedent for the rest of
the day.

Speaker 3 (04:39):
But well, Julia, before we dive into the deeper work,
k I wanted to I have to ask you this question,
seeing as you have been a lot of people's muse.
Who's your muse?

Speaker 2 (04:53):
My muse is.

Speaker 1 (04:57):
Me. No, But like in all seriousness, it changes, you know.
I'm just really inspired by the life experience, you know,
just the everyday things that we overlook. I think life

(05:18):
is just one big gray area, you know. And I
think for a long time I really thought in black
and white, but now I realize that there is no truth.
Everybody's truth is equally valid for the most part, but
like there's you know, we're just all experiencing and our perceptions.
You know, everyone's valid in some way or the reason

(05:38):
that they think that way is valid in some way.
I just try to really keep an open mind and
especially open eyes and open heart, and I just get
inspiration from everywhere.

Speaker 2 (05:49):
I really love people.

Speaker 1 (05:51):
I'm definitely like a avid people watcher.

Speaker 3 (05:55):
People watching in New York sounds fun.

Speaker 2 (05:56):
It's amazing.

Speaker 3 (05:57):
Tell me about your latest venture.

Speaker 1 (06:00):
I mean, even just like going out to the grocery
store or like going to a party. Like sometimes I'll
just like sit back and watch. I Mean, it's kind
of hard because I get a lot of people talking
to me all the time, but I prefer to just
kind of be like a fly on the wall. I
can definitely be the life of the party too, but

(06:21):
sometimes I just want to like watch all the little
micro things happening all around.

Speaker 2 (06:28):
It's just like fascinating to me.

Speaker 3 (06:30):
You've lived an extremely fascinating life. As I was saying
when I was listening to your audiobook, I want to
dive into that, and I want to start, as I
often do on on purpose, talking about childhood because I
learned very early on when I was researching and studying
just how those years are so formative when we look
at the psychology of what we pursue, what we chase,

(06:52):
what we fear, what we worry about, and it's something
we all go through. We all have a reference point
to that time in our life. I wanted to ask you,
what's a childed experience that you feel left a defining
mark on your life, especially when it comes to your
relationship with your parents.

Speaker 1 (07:10):
You know, there were many experiences, but I think the
overall thread throughout all of them was really feeling like unimportant.
And I still carry that with me very much today,
a feeling like I'm not like worth it, you know,
And that is so hard because I could get so
much validation and so much affirmation and you know, but

(07:32):
I still have that little voice in the back of
my head that's like you're nothing, You're not important, You're
not worth it. So I just want to say like yes,
you know, being in the public eye and it looks
like fun and whatever, but it's like, no, we're still
just people. And you know, I still definitely have days
where like I don't want to get out of bed

(07:52):
and I feel like just not worth it, Like life's
not worth it and I'm not worth it. And if
it weren't for my child, I probably wouldn't get out
of bed like most days actually, So I still definitely
carry a lot of that trauma, I guess, if you
want to call it. I definitely carry that with me today.

(08:14):
And people are like, go to therapy, like do something
about it, but it's like I'm not worth it, you know.
It's that like the same cycle. It's a cycle, you know,
but it's not all the time. But I definitely, you know,
like even when something good happens to me, I'm like, yeah,
but I don't deserve it, you know.

Speaker 3 (08:34):
That's that's what's fascinating about that thought cycle, is that
when something negative happens, it affirms your belief that you're
not worth it, and then when something good happens, it's
almost a feeling of well I didn't I don't deserve it.
I'm still not good enough.

Speaker 2 (08:47):
It's a fluke.

Speaker 3 (08:49):
Yeah, yeah, lucky.

Speaker 1 (08:50):
I always say that I just got lucky guys, you know,
But then I know that if I really were to, like,
you know, look at all the hard work and sacrifice
that I do deserve it, you know, And and my
logical mind can identify that, but my emotional mind is
still very much.

Speaker 3 (09:10):
Like no, yeah, in those two minds, I mean, how
many of you can relate to that? Right? Everyone can relate, Right,
It's it's something that that cycle of when something good
happens to us as humans were so good at being like, yeah,
I got lucky this time. Oh, when is it going
to go? Righte?

Speaker 1 (09:26):
When is it going to get taken away from me?
When are they going to realize I'm a fraud? When
you know, like it's crazy?

Speaker 3 (09:33):
Yeah, when are people going to find out I'm an imposta?
When are people going to find out that this table? Yeah,
it's it's such a thing. What was it in your
childhood that you think did that? Like what what do
you think of when you think of that? Where where
is that?

Speaker 2 (09:48):
You know?

Speaker 1 (09:49):
I think my parents were dealing with a lot with
each other and they couldn't really you know, it's like
boom or parents. They were just very caught up in
their own stuff and always always fighting, like horrible, horrible fights.
And I remember I would just like go into the

(10:10):
bathroom because it was the only room in the house
that had a lock on the door, and I would
just turn on the hair dryer and I just lay
on the floor for like six hours until it was
like quiet, and then I could go back and like
bringing to grade into the household. But it was just
a very kind of isolating, oppressive childhood. I mean there

(10:31):
were moments like that were great. I had a great
relationship with my grandparents. I feel like I would not
be here without them. My grandma encouraged me as an artist,
like she saw that I had a talent, so we
would always be, you know, making art together, going to museums,
going to galleries, going to plays, ballets, you know, all
the things I didn't do with my parents. And then

(10:53):
my grandpa on my mom's side, he just made me
feel really loved and kind of that was more of
an emotional bond. So if I didn't have that, I
don't think I would be alive today.

Speaker 3 (11:07):
It's so fascinating as I'm listening to you, I can
relate to that. So I grew up in a home
where me and my sister would wake up to my
parents going.

Speaker 1 (11:15):
And it's crazy how much parents fighting affects kids.

Speaker 2 (11:18):
Sorry, not too, it's crazy.

Speaker 3 (11:21):
It was. I grew up in an emotionally physically abusive household.
And often when people meet me, they just think I
had the most perfect childhood and it's why I do
what I do today, And I often explain it's the opposite.
I spent my whole childhood mediating my parents' marriage, and
so the work I do today comes from having years
meaning since I was like seven years old, of listening

(11:43):
to challenges, carrying pain, listening to emotions, and thankfully it
made me stronger and through the work I've done, it
didn't create a lack of It allowed me to create
self dependence. Yeah, and that took a lot of work.
It didn't just happen. But it's so fascinating when I
see how did that affect someone else? I love where
there was another family member. And to your point, one

(12:06):
thing that stood out, which I recommend anyone who's a
parent in this room or wants to be a parent,
it's what you just said about the relationship we had
with a grandparent. My mom's love was like a shield.
Like my mom's love was like this shield where like
she just gave me so much love that I would
never have to question whether I was worthy of love
or lovable, because that's how powerful a mum's love is. Yeah,

(12:27):
And when I think about as we're sitting here and
finding these similarities and commonalities in our life, I wanted
to ask you your life in your teens took a
very different turn, and as I heard, at seventeen, you
decided to become a sex worker or became one. And
I want to understand just what that journey looks like,

(12:49):
because for you to go from feeling not enough to
feeling unlove to feeling not worthy, talk to me about
how that connects to that decision and how you woke
that path.

Speaker 1 (13:03):
Well, I think from a really young age, I just
really learned to compartmentalize, so I could take something I
didn't like, put it in a little box, and put
it in a shelf all the way in the back
of my brain, and I could really disassociate and detach
and just be on autopilot. And I think that's why
it was so easy for me to enter an industry
like that, because I could just shut down like that.

(13:26):
It was my superpower, actually, and I actually found the
whole experience really empowering, especially becoming a dominat trix, where
I could really channel a lot of aggression and a
lot of anger that I had toward men, or toward
me or toward any you know, anything that was going on.
I could really kind of find an outlet for it,

(13:48):
and I actually, you know, for the first time in
my life, I actually kind of gained some self worth. Weirdly,
I always say, obviously there's different pockets of the sex industry.
I found one that worked for my specific issues and
it was very therapeutic. And when people ask me, like,
when did you get into acting, I was telling them all,

(14:08):
first of all, I've been acting my whole life, you know,
acting like you're okay when you're not, you know, acting
like the class clown to like make people laugh because
you feel like such a piece of shit. And then
in the Dominatrix Engine where I play a nurse, a teacher,
a mom, a nun, you know, six times a day,
different characters. I just became really good at like improv

(14:32):
and you know, doing that. So you know, back to
what you were saying, how you had this kind of
tough childhood, but you were able to then use all
those skills that you inadvertently learned to now do this
and help so many people. It's like you have to
sometimes take those like bad things that happened to you
in life, and you know, find your purpose in it

(14:55):
in a weird way, because it's the only way that
it'll make you feel better for the things that happen,
or it'll like make it not as bad or something
that you can actually be grateful for. You know, there
are times today where I'm like, no, I'm grateful that
I went through all those things because I have the
wisdom and the experience and I can now pass it
on and give other girls hope, you know. And I
feel like that's the difference between the people that make

(15:18):
it and the people that don't. You know, there's some
people that just can never really find a way to
make it like their purpose or they're calling or and
then it just kind of never finds an outlet from
their soul and it just eats them up alive, or
then they become the abuser and perpetuate that cycle.

Speaker 3 (15:41):
Absolutely, as I'm listening to you, I'm actually just how
do you even discover the industry? Like how does.

Speaker 4 (15:50):
Someone craigslist baby Greggs lest Yeah?

Speaker 1 (15:56):
Yeah, really yeah, Oh you're not joking at it?

Speaker 3 (15:59):
No, no, but like, how did you even So?

Speaker 1 (16:03):
I knew about it because in the seventh grade, I
had this one of my many codependent vesties, and I
would live at her house and it was three sisters
and an alcoholic mom, and the older sister was a
dominatrix and the only full length mirror was in.

Speaker 2 (16:19):
My besties room. So she would get dressed.

Speaker 1 (16:21):
She'd buy all this stuff from Link to Sextors and
come in and put them on, and it was the
black platforms and the thigh highs and the fish nets.
And then that's when I was informed, oh, she's a dominatrix.
And you know, at that point, like I figured it
out or something, so I always kind of knew that
it was an option that I could always like just
do what she did. And she looked so hot and

(16:46):
cool and it just seemed like just seemed fun and exciting.
And listen, at the time, I'd already, you know, worked
in the service industry. I had so many jobs waitress,
pay street shop, ice cream shop, shoes store. Know and listen,
You're never going to be able to support yourself on
seven dollars and fifteen cents an hour. It's ridiculous, Like
raise the minimum wage, God damn it.

Speaker 2 (17:10):
And I had to move out.

Speaker 1 (17:13):
Something happened at home, and I literally had to move
out with the clothes on my back. And you know,
I could only really like stay at friend's houses for
so long. I had to contribute in some way, So
that's what I did.

Speaker 3 (17:29):
So it was a fully survival thing.

Speaker 1 (17:31):
Yes, definitely survival. I don't think I would have just
chosen to do it, but I am glad that I did. Yeah,
I feel like I really kind of learned. It was
like a crash course in the male psyche.

Speaker 2 (17:44):
Tell us that really weird.

Speaker 3 (17:46):
There's a lot of people tell us about the mouse psyche.

Speaker 1 (17:51):
I mean, it's just like all the different fetishes and stuff, like.

Speaker 5 (17:56):
They're just so many and they're so weird, Like belly buttons,
blue jeans, hair like on your head, not even down there.

Speaker 2 (18:07):
Like they just men get so infatuated.

Speaker 3 (18:10):
With the like.

Speaker 1 (18:12):
Weird, random things that women possess on them. And I
also found, actually, interestingly enough, that the more powerful a
man was in his career, in his life, the more
submissive he would be with me. Like it was almost
like this, these scales were tipped, and in order for

(18:34):
him to find that balance, he'd have to come to me,
to degrade him and tell him what a piece of
shit he was and tell him that his employees hate
him and his wife hates him, and you know, and
just beat the shit out of him and it and
it really got me thinking, like humans really need balance.

Speaker 2 (18:53):
And I learned that really the life. But I saw
that I was able to.

Speaker 1 (19:00):
See that firsthand, you know, and I thought that was
really interesting. You know, how you can go out there
and be this tough guy and then here he's like
crawling on all fours and drinking drinking my tea out
of a dog ball, And it was just really interesting,
you know.

Speaker 3 (19:20):
I love that balance is what you took away from that,
And it's just amazing. It's amazing we are I was
I was going to say that I learned about balance,
but at the monastery and there was it.

Speaker 4 (19:39):
Was a completely off.

Speaker 3 (19:41):
We came to the same conclusion though, and uh and
and as I'm listening to you, I know that I was.
I was going to ask you, actually, how do you even, like,
what do you think of the misconceptions about sex workers
or what did you learn by actually being in the
industry that you think is relevant for people who are

(20:01):
not connected, may not understand, may not know, whatever it
may be. What would you say those are.

Speaker 1 (20:06):
I mean, I would just say to anyone thinking about it. Obviously,
now today with only fans and there's so many ways
to be in the sex industry without ever touching a man,
which is.

Speaker 2 (20:15):
Like amazing, But back in my day that was not
the case.

Speaker 1 (20:22):
I would just say, like, set a firm boundary in
your head going into it and don't cross it, and
the moment you cross it, just stop because then it'll
just keep happening. And I made that mistake, and it
kind of does like wear on you a little bit,
you know, and then it's like, well, nobody will ever know,

(20:44):
but you will know, you know, and that you will
never escape.

Speaker 3 (20:49):
You know.

Speaker 1 (20:49):
It's almost easier to some other someone else know and
not you, but your clients.

Speaker 2 (20:55):
They will take and take and take and take.

Speaker 1 (20:57):
So you just have to be really firm in what
line you're not going to cross.

Speaker 3 (21:02):
Before we dive into the next moment, let's hear from
our sponsors, thanks for taking a moment for that. Now
back to the discussion. It's quite remarkable you learned so
many lessons. You've learned balance boundaries, you know, acting like
you were just saying like roll like why and when
did that end? Like why did that period of your

(21:23):
life come to a close? And then where did you
pivot to?

Speaker 1 (21:25):
And I'll tell you another thing that I learned then
was manifestation through prayer. So I would pray every single night.

Speaker 2 (21:33):
I'm not kidding. I would pray for a sugar daddy.

Speaker 4 (21:38):
Like like long prayers, long long player prayers, a lot
of bargaining, a lot.

Speaker 1 (21:48):
Of bargaining and begging God to please send me a
sugar daddy.

Speaker 2 (21:53):
And he did, he did, He did the best one ever. Also,
I got really really lucky. We're still friends. I love
them to death.

Speaker 1 (22:07):
And that's that's kind of how I got out of that.

Speaker 3 (22:11):
Was that always you'll get out like get out card, Like,
was that your thought in your head when you were praying?

Speaker 1 (22:15):
When you're in that kind of lifestyle, you're not really
thinking long term, you know. I feel like having the
ability to plan and do all these things, like that's
something for like well adjusted people. When you're living like
I was, it was very much like survive the day,
get through the day, and maybe something good will happen,
you know. So I was really just kind of looking

(22:38):
for like a means to an end. And it was
really only kind of after my situation with my sugar
Daddy broke up that I actually started to like live for.

Speaker 2 (22:47):
Me, you know, and try to make it on my own.

Speaker 1 (22:50):
And like all my blessings and everything I've been able
to achieve only happen once I got out of that
funny enough, So.

Speaker 3 (22:59):
And was your faith God something you always had always?

Speaker 4 (23:02):
Yea?

Speaker 3 (23:02):
Where did that come from? You know?

Speaker 2 (23:04):
I'm not really sure. I know, you know, I'm Italian.

Speaker 1 (23:07):
I've lived in Italy for some of my childhood with
my grandpa, and and he was very faith based, and
we prayed every.

Speaker 2 (23:14):
Night, and I always kind of knew.

Speaker 1 (23:17):
That that God was there, or something was there, a
presence was there, and it's like you can only have
too like so many coincidences before you're like, okay, there's
something cosmic here, you know. And also I feel like
when you're kind of in desperation and not feeling so great,
I find that those are usually the times or the

(23:39):
people that really turned to God. And I was very
much like unwell for a long time, so I needed
to believe that God was real.

Speaker 3 (23:48):
It's incredible to hear you talk about it from both sides,
like you know, a second ago or like belly laughing.
And then at the same time, there's like this real
survival desperation, stress, trying to get through every day, as
you just said, like just trying to make it through
till the end of the day, and the reality of
just not how would you feel at the end of
the day, Like what would be going through your mind?

Speaker 1 (24:09):
Would it just be I didn't feel no, like I
did so many drugs, like every single drug under the sun.
I was smunking pie all the time, like before it
like literally wake up first thing, like digging a roach
out of an ash tray, you know, like just that
level of.

Speaker 2 (24:28):
Numbness at all times.

Speaker 1 (24:29):
So like feeling is still kind of fairly like a
newer thing for me, and I still have a lot
of trouble articulating how I'm feeling.

Speaker 2 (24:39):
Like I just kind of shut down.

Speaker 3 (24:41):
Because that was the only way to get through it
was to just be numb, yeah, and to just not
feel because if you were to it would.

Speaker 1 (24:47):
Have it would just open a floodgate and who knows
what could happen, you know, because usually when I would
be emotional, it be kind of like a meltdown and
then I'd end up in like a hospital at all
or something. So it was just better to not even
go there at all.

Speaker 3 (25:06):
Yeah, that's so fascinating to hear that. I think so
many of us feel that in different ways where we
find a numbing agent, whatever that may be for us.
For some of us it's TV, sugar, alcohol, drugs, whatever
it may be. There's some sort of way of just
kind of not self regulating, but externally regulating our emotions

(25:28):
and feelings because we just don't want to feel that.
For you, as you were doing that, where did you
get addicted to heroin in that journey? Because that became
that was.

Speaker 1 (25:39):
When I found heroin. It was like I would say
that it's akin to like what being in your mother's
womb would feel like, like the warmth and that everything
is going to be okay. And you know, I think
I probably liked it so much because of the disconnect
I had with my own mother, so and kind of

(26:00):
became a replacement mommy or something, you know. And yeah,
I discovered hero in high school and I took it
all the way into my mid twenties, you know, on
and off, on and off. I sometimes I'd be off
for years and I'd always go back. So, you know,
it only really took my best friend, the love of
my life overdosing in twenty nineteen for me too, which

(26:24):
is fairly recently for me to really be done, because
that really shook me to my core. And I felt
like her dying had to had to at least do
one good thing, you know, And if that could just
be me not getting high anymore, I know that she
would approve of that.

Speaker 2 (26:42):
I know that she it would make I.

Speaker 1 (26:44):
Don't know, it's not that it would make it less horrible,
but I just had to find some kind of silver
lining or something to attach myself to. So now I,
you know, don't do that anymore in honor of her.

Speaker 3 (27:03):
So, so sorry to hear that. How long did you
both know each other and how were you.

Speaker 1 (27:07):
We actually met in AA and it was a funny story.
We were sitting next to each other and my like
horrible ex boyfriend was also there and we hadn't seen
each other in a long time, and he was there
with this girl who had like cyber believe me on Instagram.
And I just stood up and I said, this room

(27:28):
is unsafe for me.

Speaker 2 (27:29):
There are abusers in here.

Speaker 1 (27:32):
And I just made such a scene, which is like
fairly uncommon and it that doesn't really happen, so but
I did it. And she loved it, like she was
like yeah.

Speaker 2 (27:43):
Yeah, tell um, tell um, yeah.

Speaker 1 (27:44):
And then I just sat back down and it was
that was it. We were together every single day after that.
It was like we really found each other. But you know,
with every kind of relationship like that, it was only
a matter of time before we.

Speaker 2 (27:59):
Both left to go get high together. You know.

Speaker 1 (28:02):
So it's pretty cliche, but it's still a beautiful love
story none the least.

Speaker 3 (28:09):
What was that journey for you to actually get clean
from her? And like, what was that journey like for you?
I can't imagine It's easy, And like you said, you
used the loss of her as fuel, as inspiration, as
a guiding light during a really, really tough time. But
what did it actually take from you to now be
able to sit here and say, well, that's not something

(28:30):
I do anyway.

Speaker 1 (28:31):
Well, she died and then I got pregnant six months
later and had my son. And if there's one thing
I'm determined to do is to not give him a
shitty childhood.

Speaker 2 (28:43):
And in order for me to do that, I have
to be sober.

Speaker 1 (28:48):
So yeah, so it all happened pretty quick, and honestly,
I don't think I would have even had my son
if she hadn't passed away. But at that moment, it
was like anything to fill that and that heartbreak, you know,
it was. I just wanted to feel better. And actually,
funny story, when I was about I can't remember now

(29:08):
I put the the I put it in my book.
But like a couple of weeks into my pregnancy, I
had a dream. She came to me in a dream
and I told her I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm having
I want you to come back as my baby. I
want you to be reincarnated as my baby. And she said,
because she was always really funny. She was like, I
don't want to come back as a boy. And that's

(29:30):
how I found out I was having a boy. I
went to the doctor and I told him I think
I'm having a boy. My dead bess friend came to
me in a dream and he was like, you're psychotic.
But then we did the test and I was having
a boy. So so she was right. So I still
feel like like she's with me and everything I do.

Speaker 3 (29:50):
Yeah, you say in the book that motherhood saved you.

Speaker 1 (29:54):
Because I just don't have time to do anything else,
Like it really is like.

Speaker 2 (30:01):
Three full time jobs. So but it did it? Did?
It did save me?

Speaker 1 (30:06):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (30:06):
When you finally found the sugar daddy and you got
out of you know, sex work from your prayers, where
did that pivot happen? From that getting you out of
there and then moving into acting? Like how how did
that happen?

Speaker 4 (30:22):
You know?

Speaker 1 (30:22):
People knew who I was, like I was like a
hood celebrity, you know, and these directors heard about me
and wanted to meet me, and they were writing a
part for this young girl who has kind of a
sugar daddy situation, and that movie would go on to
become uncut gems. So I you know, I auditioned like

(30:43):
everyone else. Unfortunately, even though they had written it for me,
the studios were like, we don't know her, like what
like they wanted like Scarlet Johanson and you know all
these other women, beautiful women and established actresses. And at
the time, I didn't even know if I could like
actually act act.

Speaker 2 (31:01):
You know, but I had a hunch.

Speaker 1 (31:05):
And so you know, I did a screen test with
Adam Sandler and it went really well and they were
able to convince the studios to let me do it.

Speaker 3 (31:15):
Yeah. Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (31:18):
But that's why I always tell people like like live
your truth, like even if you're messy or wild or
cringe like, like, don't hide that because you never know
who's watching, you know. Like I was so embarrassing, like
like truly so embarrassing, but it caught these people's eyes.

Speaker 3 (31:37):
You know what was embarrassing? What were you doing as well?

Speaker 1 (31:40):
Well, you know, everyone knew that I was living off
my sugar daddy's money and every there you go, it
was like everybody knew it. It was you know, but
they it was like frowned upon, you know, like people
will talk shit about me or didn't want to be
my friend or it was just like I was always
kind of looked at it like as the spectacle, you know.
And I was known to like cause a scene or

(32:01):
just be loud and sometimes violent.

Speaker 2 (32:05):
And yeah, definitely tell.

Speaker 3 (32:08):
Us about the violent.

Speaker 1 (32:13):
Well, I grew up in a violent home, So that's
kind of how I learned to like problem solve, like
if I want a problem to go away, you you know,
so I you know, I've definitely been known to throw hands,
but you know now I'm like, oh, it's so embarrassing,
you know, But like I had to do all that

(32:35):
messy stuff and be that girl to end up in
this chair today speaking with all of you.

Speaker 2 (32:42):
So just always be yourselves.

Speaker 3 (32:46):
It's so fascinating for me. Seeing that in my home
made me never want to be angry, never want to
be violent, never want to raise my voice, and never
kind of create that atmosphere again. And it's so interesting
just how it's humans we make those choices at different
stages in our life and where they go from there.
I one thing that really stood out to me in

(33:09):
your book Down the Drain, that is when you mentioned
when you were young, you said to your mom you
wanted to be a rock star, and she laughed. And
then when you booked Uncut Gems, she laughed again.

Speaker 2 (33:24):
Yeah, talk to.

Speaker 3 (33:24):
Me about those two moments and why you remember them
so vividly, and because.

Speaker 1 (33:29):
It's like you'd expect your parent to be so happy
and so supportive, but she could just never do it.

Speaker 2 (33:36):
She could never do it.

Speaker 1 (33:38):
And you know, I think, like now that I'm also
a mom, I can see her as a human and
I see a woman who came from nothing and did
everything she was supposed to do. She went to college,
went to university, she worked as a nurse, she did
all the things to become a doctor, and was just

(34:01):
always a good girl. And then to see me, who
literally did the opposite, would go to jail, get arrested,
get into fight, steal stuff, break stuff, trespass, you know,
just overdose one hundred times, you know, just a mess.
And then to see me be successful, I'm sure is
a mind. Yeah, like I'd probably hate me too, Like

(34:30):
I'm sure there's like a human you know, Jealousy is
very real, even between mothers and daughters. I see it
all the time, Like I couldn't fathom it because I
see my loved ones as an extension of myself, but
with my mom and I, it was always very clear
that we were on two opposite ends for some reason,
and we could never bridge that gap. I don't know

(34:51):
if we ever will, to be honest, but I know
that I have to protect my peace and not keep
trying just to be disappointed all the time.

Speaker 2 (35:01):
You know, I just can't do it anymore.

Speaker 3 (35:04):
As I'm looking at you, it feels like you've tried
a lot.

Speaker 1 (35:07):
Not that much, but not that much, but there have
been a few times, Yeah.

Speaker 3 (35:13):
What have you tried? And when did you try?

Speaker 1 (35:15):
And just trying to mimic what a mother daughter relationship
is supposed to look like and playing that part, playing
that role, acting that part, only to be met with
not her playing that part back, you know. And I
realized that, you know, we can't just like turn it

(35:36):
on and be mother and daughter, and there needs to
be some unpacking. But every time I try to talk
about things, it's complete denial. It's almost like she lived
a completely like she lived.

Speaker 2 (35:49):
In a different house. Well she really did live in
a different house.

Speaker 1 (35:51):
She lived in Italy my whole life, so I only
saw her twice a year, so that also played a
big part. But there were obviously prolonged periods as well
that we would be together, but even then, it just
always felt like she was just very uninterested.

Speaker 2 (36:10):
Yeah, and I could see that it wasn't like.

Speaker 1 (36:13):
That with my brothers, that she had way more of
a connection and she put the effort and had more
of a genuine interest for them.

Speaker 2 (36:22):
So and I picked that up very very young.

Speaker 3 (36:26):
How have you reconciled that?

Speaker 2 (36:27):
Now?

Speaker 3 (36:27):
I'm sure there's lots of people in the room who
have challenges with parents, potentially even challenges with kids, Like
how have you reconciled that? What have you How have
you come to as close to peace or a boundary
that you've been able to set with them?

Speaker 1 (36:40):
You know, I wouldn't say it's forgiveness, because how do
you forgive a betrayal like that? But there is an acceptance,
which I think is the closest thing to forgiveness, And
it's so hard to accept because it's really hard to
accept things that we can't change. You know, we are
the control freak and us wants to like change it
and fix it and make it okay. But you need

(37:03):
the other person to also put in that effort too. So,
you know, I think really for me, I'm not a
place of acceptance that this is just the way it's
going to be. And if if I keep trying to
fight it or change it, I'm really only hurting myself.
And you know, I have a child I have to
show up for. I have to be happy and positive.

(37:27):
So like, why am I going to let her have
that too? You know, like I'm not gonna I'm just
not going to do that.

Speaker 3 (37:34):
It takes a lot to draw those boundaries with the
people that we love.

Speaker 2 (37:39):
And sadly, especially your parents, especially parents.

Speaker 1 (37:42):
Like now that I'm a parent and I have parents,
it's like you can have more than one kid.

Speaker 2 (37:47):
You could have ten kids, but you can.

Speaker 1 (37:49):
Only have one mom and one dad, like in that way,
Like you know, obviously there's people, there's blended families, but it's.

Speaker 2 (37:57):
Really really, really.

Speaker 1 (37:59):
Important relationship and I take it to the highest level
of importance. To me, it's sacred. Nothing comes before my child.
So I mean, I just don't understand how for her
it's not the same.

Speaker 2 (38:16):
Did she ever go to therapy she's a psychologist?

Speaker 1 (38:20):
Wow, Yeah, that's why I don't trust them and I
don't want to go.

Speaker 3 (38:25):
Wow, that's fascinating. I know when you were addicted to
drugs or even when you were a sex worket. Did
you ever have any near death experiences?

Speaker 2 (38:37):
Many?

Speaker 1 (38:37):
And actually, my best friend Brianna once called my mom
in Italy and was like, your daughter's dying coming at her.

Speaker 2 (38:44):
She hung up the phone.

Speaker 3 (38:46):
What happened to you?

Speaker 2 (38:47):
I lived.

Speaker 3 (38:51):
That day that she had to make that call to
your mom.

Speaker 1 (38:54):
I honestly don't even remember. I think I probably just
like odde on heroin or something.

Speaker 3 (38:58):
Was that a regular current? So yeah, but that was
the only time that they called. She called your mom.

Speaker 1 (39:04):
Yeah, I think it was like the first time it
ever happened. Yeah, And my friend just got so scared.
I was living at her house at the time, and
she just like found me like that and freaked out
and just didn't know what to do. But her mom
stepped in as my kind of surrogate mother and helped
me a lot.

Speaker 3 (39:23):
Oh her mom, Oh wow.

Speaker 4 (39:25):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (39:26):
The beauty of having that kind of void is that
I really attracted so many amazing women with that kind
of instinct or that ability to kind of sniff out like, oh,
this child needs mothering. So I've had so many kind
of you know, pseudo maternal figures in my life, and
I feel like when I think of my mom, I

(39:47):
think of all of them. You know, my my advisor
in high school who like saved my life, and a
lot of them were my friend's parents and they.

Speaker 2 (39:57):
Really took me in. And mom are just amazing.

Speaker 1 (40:02):
Like having a horrible experience of mine doesn't take away
that I can identify that moms really are amazing.

Speaker 2 (40:08):
You know, I understand that my mom's like an exception.

Speaker 3 (40:12):
Yeah, you have one of the most fascinating minds and
lives of anyone I've ever interviewed. Honestly, Oh my god.
I find it so incredible that despite the challenges and
trials and tribulations that you were going through in your life,
you were able to at the same time identify goodness

(40:32):
and pray, look for ways out see sacredness in your
friends and other people.

Speaker 1 (40:37):
And it's a survival instinct. It's like you don't even
realize you're doing it. It's that will to live that
we all innately have. Like I didn't set out to
do any of that stuff. I didn't realize I was
doing it until after. But I really I think a
part of me, as much as I wanted to die,
I also really wanted to live, and I had to

(40:57):
find love and goodness wherever I could, because I think
as people, that's really all we want, you know, we
want to be seen and we want to be loved.

Speaker 3 (41:06):
Did you have any dangerous encounters as a sex worker
or were you the one inflicting me?

Speaker 2 (41:12):
I was the one they were in danger?

Speaker 1 (41:15):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. And obviously I understand that my
experience is very unique. You know. Obviously I had some
clients that were better than others, but for the most part,
I always had very good instincts. If I felt like
something was weird, I would just leave, you know, I'd
leave the room and go get someone else. You know.

Speaker 2 (41:37):
Also, a C and M is a.

Speaker 1 (41:39):
Very you know, it's really the only place in the
world where like the women rule, Like I'd never seen
that before. I'd always kind of seen the opposite of that.
So I think being able to be in that so
young really kind of shaped how I see the world today,
because I see so many discrepants and disparities and how

(42:02):
unfair this world is for women. But in the S
and M world, we were the people in charge, calling
the shots and and you know, and men were just
there to drink.

Speaker 2 (42:16):
Pea out of a dog ball. You know, it was amazing,
it was heaven, it was paradise.

Speaker 3 (42:24):
It's we'll just let that sit for a second. But first,
here's a quick word from the brands that support the show.
All right, thank you to our sponsors. Now let's dive
back in. There's this recurring pattern that I could hear
about when I was listening to your book, this idea

(42:45):
of proving yourself, proving yourself to your mom, proving yourself
to men you were dating, proving yourself to the industry,
proving yourself.

Speaker 2 (42:56):
And I still am all the time. But that's never end.
You know.

Speaker 1 (43:01):
I think it's so hard for a woman to show
up in a room and just be given the benefit
of the doubt, you know, whereas men walk in and
they're just given the benefit of the doubt until they
prove otherwise. You know, whereasom and it's always the opposite.
We kind of have to work a little bit harder. So,
you know, especially if you're like an unconventional woman, or

(43:22):
a weird woman, or a neurodivergent woman or a lowed woman,
it's like, oh my god, the odds are so stacked
against you. But you know, that's not going to stop
me from being who I am.

Speaker 3 (43:42):
A big part of what we've been talking about here
this evening before you came out, was this idea of
how we feel judged when we walk into a room,
or how we think others think of us, and how
we worry about that. I'm sure when you're walking into
rooms to audition actading, directors, producers, I'm sure that there's

(44:03):
so many things you think people think of you. How
have you found coping mechanisms to that anxiety, stress, nervousness
that naturally exist and people shared earlier so vulnerably and
beautifully in front of five thousand people. We had people
standing up and really opening their heart. What goes through
your mind and what technique's abilities practices have you developed

(44:25):
in order to allow yourself to walk into a room
and not feel that anxiety and stress.

Speaker 1 (44:30):
Well, first of all, I think everyone's feeling that way,
you know, I think people are so just worried about
themselves all the time anyway, like they're probably thinking the
same thing about you. And another thing is also like
it's really not that deep. We have the attention span
of a goldfish. People will forget like nothing is serious, Like,

(44:52):
just don't take it so seriously, you know. And also
if you walk into a room and they don't like you,
probably because they're whack. You know. I've come to find, honestly,
like people that don't like me are kind of people
I wouldn't even really want to like me anyway.

Speaker 2 (45:07):
You know, like they're just not cool. So I think
just lead with that mindset.

Speaker 3 (45:14):
Yeah. I remember seeing this this meme. I don't know
who wrote to where it came from, but it it
says confidence isn't everyone will like me, confidences will be okay.

Speaker 2 (45:25):
Even if they don't don't like you. Yeah, And it's.

Speaker 3 (45:27):
That idea of just we think confidence means everyone likes me,
everyone notices me when I walk in the room, and
that I can control the crowd. And it's like, well,
that's not confidence.

Speaker 1 (45:36):
And also if you try to please everyone, you just
end up pleasing no one.

Speaker 2 (45:40):
So it's just better to just be genuine because at.

Speaker 1 (45:44):
Least, like I always tell people, like, take the mask off,
be yourself, so then you can attract people that are
like minded. And then once you have your tribe and
your people, you're invincible. You know, it doesn't matter what
happens to you because you'll have your fan that understand you,
I agree with you, and know that you're the bomb.

Speaker 3 (46:06):
You've said that you don't you're not afraid of being alone,
but you've been afraid of being truly seen, which I
find to be really interesting because I think a lot
of us are scared to be truly seen in all
of who we are. And where are you on that journey?

Speaker 1 (46:24):
I mean, I feel like even being here tonight and
you know, going so deep and talking about things that
are you know, kind of things I usually just put
in a compartment in the back of my brain and
just pretend like they don't exist.

Speaker 2 (46:38):
Like this is a big part of it.

Speaker 1 (46:40):
Also, I find that when you share a secret or
share something that's been weighing you down, you share it
with somebody, you're also sharing that the weight with someone else.
Now we can all carry this together and it's less
of a burden for you. So I think, just like,
don't hold it in, it'll eat you up.

Speaker 2 (46:59):
Like, just if you're.

Speaker 1 (46:59):
Feeling something, tell somebody otherwise you're just gonna it's going
to eat you up, and you're going to feel so
isolated and so alone, and it's just no way, no
way to live well said, I flutely agree.

Speaker 3 (47:15):
It's one of the reasons I've been encouraging everyone tonight
to share their heart and so many brave, brave soults have.
I love that you were saying that recently feeling has
been a new phenomena for you. How recent is that
and what have been some of the joyful, positive, healthy
feelings that you've been experiencing.

Speaker 1 (47:36):
Probably when I quit smoking weed two years ago, so
very very recent. But you know that's not to say
that I feel things before. I obviously did, but I
would just feel something and then pick up the pipe.

Speaker 2 (47:50):
Now I just.

Speaker 1 (47:54):
Do that. I always say, like I'm strapping my seatbelt
on and I'm going to and I'm gonna move through it.
It's gonna move through me. I'm not gonna go over it.
I'm not gonna go around it. I'm just gonna let
it do its thing and it's gonna pass.

Speaker 2 (48:09):
It's gonna pass.

Speaker 3 (48:12):
Wow, It's it's pretty remarkable to've gone from that extreme
to this. And like you just said, you're not on
drugs anymore, not smoking weed, and I believe you're celibate
now too. Yeah, I would celibate as a month for
three years.

Speaker 2 (48:27):
I'm on three years too, You're on three years? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (48:29):
Wow, yeah, all right, so you're gonna you're gonna beat
my record.

Speaker 4 (48:33):
Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 2 (48:34):
Unfortunately, what made you make that? I said, unfortunately?

Speaker 3 (48:41):
What made you make? Was it always a commitment long term?
Was it?

Speaker 2 (48:45):
No?

Speaker 3 (48:45):
No?

Speaker 1 (48:46):
I didn't even realize that I was doing it until
I was doing it, you know. For I was like,
oh my god, it's been six months, and then it
was like a year, Oh my god, three you know,
It's just the time goes so fast. But I've honestly
found that that was another or toxic relationship that I
had with sex and with men.

Speaker 2 (49:04):
I don't think.

Speaker 1 (49:05):
Right now that I'm able to have a healthy, emotional
or romantic relationship with anyone, to be honest, you know,
I think I'm still really coming to terms with who
I am and learning every day. Like sometimes, you know,
even though I was so precocious in a lot of ways,
I feel like I was a late bloomer, you know,

(49:26):
because I just wasn't really living authentically and I was
self medicating, and I was just in survival mode for
so long.

Speaker 2 (49:37):
So now that I can, like you know, sit back,
I'm okay.

Speaker 1 (49:40):
I have a roof over my head, I have my
family and everything, but it still feels like fairly new.
So I think right now I just need to like
be okay being with me and that's okay.

Speaker 3 (49:55):
Yeah, what did what did you learn from cutting out
so many of these things you were dependent on or
had unhealthy toxic relationships within the past. Like what is
it felt like to almost stop you know, drugs, we'd
practicing celibacy, Like what is what is that done for you?

Speaker 4 (50:15):
Like?

Speaker 3 (50:15):
What are you experiencing from the detox?

Speaker 1 (50:18):
I mean like I can go grocery shopping, and I
can go to sleep when I'm supposed to and wake
up when I'm supposed to do, and I can show
up for people, and I can be reliable and responsible
and dependable, and you know, I can be someone that
somebody can count on. And you know, I'm I think
I'm a great mom. You know, I can just build

(50:40):
a home, like a healthy, happy home with lots of
snacks in the kitchen and it's warm and nice and
you know, just just like all the basic things that
all of you guys do. For so long, I just
wasn't participating you know, so like as people were always
kind of focusing on like the big things, like once

(51:01):
I lose ten pounds, then I'll be happy. Once I
get this promotion, I'll be happy. Once I get this car,
then I'll be happy, or this watch or this bag.
But really life is all the little things, and you
have to get those things in order, because yeah, you'll
get that big thing, but then it'll be okay, what's next,
you know, because it'll never fill the void.

Speaker 2 (51:21):
You know. You have to get all the little things together.

Speaker 1 (51:23):
And that's as little as eating healthy, sleeping enough, meditating,
just spending time alone, recharging your batteries and I'm seeing
your friends and laughing, you know, like those those are
the things that happiness is built upon. So you know,
that's where I'm trying to live now because I was

(51:47):
very much like, well, once i'll get a.

Speaker 2 (51:48):
Nose job, i'll be pretty and then I'll be happy,
you know, And it.

Speaker 1 (51:51):
Was just always the cycle of trying to find the
thing that'll make me happy without realizing that it was
right in front of me. But I just needed to,
like water the damnse eat. So that's what I'm doing.

Speaker 3 (52:02):
Now, Julia. For our tour, we created a segment that
we wanted to do with guests called Past, Present, Future,
and it starts with a series of cards just that
everyone knows that are marked past, present, and future. And

(52:23):
Julia has no ideas what these questions are. So, Julie,
what I'm gonna ask you to do is I'm gonna
ask you to pick, and these questions will ask you
either something. I'll come closer to you. They'll ask you
something either about your past, present, or future. They're marked,
so we'll see which one you pick. So do you
want a passcard, present card or a future card?

Speaker 2 (52:40):
Do I pick at random?

Speaker 3 (52:41):
Or oh no, it's okay, you chose a present card.
What does this say?

Speaker 1 (52:49):
What's the last photo in your photo role? I didn't
bring my phone out here.

Speaker 4 (52:54):
Weekends.

Speaker 3 (52:54):
It away when you have to tell you have to
post it later?

Speaker 2 (52:57):
Okay, you have to post it off to the show.
You can't. I'm trying to think what.

Speaker 3 (53:03):
You posted as long as you can post it.

Speaker 2 (53:11):
Future?

Speaker 1 (53:13):
What niche hobby will you take way too seriously when
you're older? Knitting for sure? I cannot wait to be
at the nursing home.

Speaker 2 (53:22):
Leave me the hell alone. I just want to knit
in peace.

Speaker 3 (53:26):
What's the first thing. You're gonna knit yourself.

Speaker 1 (53:28):
A blanket so I can like put it on me
as I knit.

Speaker 2 (53:32):
I just want to knit myself.

Speaker 1 (53:34):
Into a cocoon and be left alone for all eternity.

Speaker 2 (53:38):
Doesn't that sound amazing?

Speaker 3 (53:42):
I want you to pick one of the past cuts.

Speaker 1 (53:44):
Okay, where was your first kiss? Okay, guys, I have
a confession. I don't remember my first kiss. I know
that's part of like being, you know, in the trauma.
I don't remember a lot of stuff like I genuinely.

Speaker 2 (54:04):
Have no idea who it could be. It could be
like one hundred different people.

Speaker 3 (54:11):
To end a past present future segment, I want to
show you a picture if you can get the first
one up behind you in a second. Do you remember this?

Speaker 2 (54:21):
I was always hustling, do you know?

Speaker 3 (54:24):
Do you know where you were? Do you know?

Speaker 1 (54:26):
Yeah? I was in front of my dad's building, and
I used to sell lemonade all summer long and just
stack paper.

Speaker 2 (54:34):
It's so much money.

Speaker 3 (54:37):
How old were you you remember that?

Speaker 2 (54:39):
I'm probably like eight or nine here.

Speaker 3 (54:41):
What what advice would you give to your younger self
that you look at in that picture?

Speaker 2 (54:47):
Keep stacking paper, girl, No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 1 (54:51):
To just like everything, It's going to make sense, you know,
just hang in there.

Speaker 3 (55:01):
Second one please, this is your present. What do you
need to hear right now? What's the words that you
need to hear right now in your life?

Speaker 2 (55:13):
You are worthy?

Speaker 3 (55:19):
Do you feel That's like a daily reminder right now?

Speaker 2 (55:22):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (55:23):
And oh god, we have a future thanks to AI,
we have a future version behind me.

Speaker 2 (55:36):
Okay, not so bad.

Speaker 3 (55:37):
Okay, you look amazing. Yeah, all right? Ah, what do
you hope and intend that you'll think of yourself and
the people who really know you will say about you
at that age? What do you think the people who
deeply knew you in life, that really got to know
you beneath the surface will say about you at that.

Speaker 2 (56:01):
Age that I'm a boss? I'm a boss aspect?

Speaker 3 (56:07):
Yeah, Oh, Julia, you've been. You've been so brave, vulnerable, thoughtful, hilarious,
inspiring to come here today. And it was so funny
we were walking up when when Julia and I were

(56:28):
walking up and she said to me, she is, I'm
pretty sure we don't have a lot of crossover in
our audience and our community, and I'm hoping that this
has been a positive experience.

Speaker 2 (56:41):
For you, it has.

Speaker 3 (56:42):
My greatest joy is in all of us learning so
much about each other that we're able to see each
other's humanity despite how we look, how we present ourselves,
how we dress, what country we came from, what background
we have, what walks of life and paths that we've
been down. Because to me, that's what the world really needs,

(57:04):
is the ability to look at someone's heart and soul.
And you've allowed me to try and give that opportunity
to myself and everyone else who trusts me to do
that today. And I just want to say a big,
big thank you. And I hope this is going to
be a thank you.

Speaker 2 (57:22):
Thank you guys, someone.

Speaker 3 (57:28):
And thank you too, can stay up. I hope this
is going to be the most surprising friendship of twenty
twenty five. And I actually want to ask you one
last question because you've talked so beautifully about your son
and being a mother, and the audience has, you know,
really felt that and responded to that tonight. And you
actually went through a miscarriage too, right? And was that

(57:49):
before or after?

Speaker 1 (57:50):
I was seventeen and it happened in a bar. I'm
pretty happy I had that miscarriage. I don't even know
who the Yeah.

Speaker 3 (57:59):
How did that experience affect you at that time?

Speaker 2 (58:02):
Like I even remember that I was once.

Speaker 1 (58:06):
At a pregame when I got a call that my
grandpa had died, and I literally like shut off the
phone and went back to the pregame because like there
was just.

Speaker 2 (58:18):
No way that I was going to deal with that.

Speaker 1 (58:21):
And I still have like breakdowns, like violent breakdowns about it.
I'm just I was just very good. I was trained
to just shut it off, you know, like shut it off.
It didn't happen, nobody knows, It's okay, move on, but
you know, like I said, it's like you know, you know,

(58:41):
so you know, even though that particular miscarriage was probably
God looking out for me because I was no way
ready to take on such a sacred role, it still
does kind of feel like a little piece of you
is chipped away at.

Speaker 3 (59:02):
Yeah, whether it's like you said, being protection or whether
it happens sadly and tragically, it's it's still a part
of you that was, yeah, was connected to it, and
it's totally and hearing about it from that perspective, and
how you've been able to just this recurring theme in
your life of just revisiting, and tonight I feel like
you've and in your incredible book, you know, down the Drain,

(59:26):
your memoir, You've revisited some of these moments that I
can't imagine rethinking, reliving, rebreathing.

Speaker 2 (59:33):
It was actually so cathartic.

Speaker 1 (59:35):
It was probably the closest I'd ever gotten to actually
because I've had a hundred therapists, but then I stopped going,
you know, but having to sit down every day and
write that book, I mean, there were so many times.

Speaker 2 (59:46):
That I was like, I'll just call a ghost writer.

Speaker 1 (59:48):
Like it's fine, everybody does it, like it's okay, and
I would just just force myself to like sit there
and sit with the pain. And I remember like I'd
be flushed, like my cheeks would be read, I'd be
sweating because I'm like, oh my god, I can't believe
I'm like actually writing this. And it was like I
could have not written it, you know, but a part

(01:00:09):
of me felt like like I needed to, you know,
like I needed to talk about it or release it
in some way. And actually, ever since writing the book,
I do feel like lighter, weirdly, like I'm not carrying
all that baggage alone. And also the response that I've
gotten from it. And you know, every time a young

(01:00:31):
girl comes up to me and she tells me that
she broke up with her boyfriend because she read my book,
I'm like, oh, you know, doing.

Speaker 2 (01:00:37):
God's work out here.

Speaker 1 (01:00:40):
Just it doesn't get better than that, guys. But you
know what I mean, It's like, that's really what it's
all about.

Speaker 2 (01:00:48):
You know.

Speaker 1 (01:00:49):
I think the most times I've ever felt close to
happiness or joy, like real pure joy was when I
was able to help somebody without getting any thing back.
Like that's really when when I feel so at peace,
you know, and so happy and joyful. So you know,
I think that's just that's what it's about. And also

(01:01:12):
I have this thing where it's like I don't want
to burden anyone. I don't want to be annoying. I
don't want to ask. I don't want to be a problem.
But it's like, no, people like it. People like it
when you ask for help or ask for stuff like
that's something I really also would tell my present, really
like ask for help, Like people like to be of service,
and people like to help you're doing them a favor too,

(01:01:34):
you know. So because I always think like I'll do
it myself. I'll do it like that's my whole thing.
I did it myself, but like it's not sustainable.

Speaker 3 (01:01:41):
I want to thank you so much. Is anything you
want to share? Any last words? Any?

Speaker 1 (01:01:45):
I actually do want to say one thing, because you
were mentioning meditation as I was walking out, and in
the third grade, my teachers and social workers told my
dad that I was probably ADHD and needed to get medicaid,
and my dad actually put me in transcendental meditation classes.
And in that same year, I was failing all my classes.

Speaker 2 (01:02:09):
I was. I was like a complete one eighty.

Speaker 1 (01:02:12):
I started getting a's and sitting at the front of
my class and raising my hand. And if only I
had stuck with it, That's all I'm going to say.
But it really works. Meditation really works.

Speaker 3 (01:02:23):
Are you back to it now?

Speaker 2 (01:02:25):
It's always on my to do list and I never
do it.

Speaker 1 (01:02:28):
But now because I've told all of you, and I
hope you guys hold me accountable and write in my
comments all day, I hope you're meditating today, Julia.

Speaker 2 (01:02:36):
Do you guys could do that for me? You have
no idea how much I need it.

Speaker 1 (01:02:41):
I would definitely pick pick back up all right, that's
that's the first thing we're going to do today is meditation.

Speaker 3 (01:02:46):
Yeah, Julia, as our ome purpose audience knows, we end
every episode with a final five. These have to be
answered in one word to one sentence maximum. Okay, So,
Julia Fox, these are your final The first question is
what is the best advice You've ever heard or received?

Speaker 1 (01:03:04):
The best advice I've ever heard or received is actually
from my mom, who said, be nice to everyone because
you'll never know when you need a favor.

Speaker 3 (01:03:15):
Question on the two, what is the worst advice you've
ever heard or received?

Speaker 1 (01:03:19):
To like stop doing so much? Yeah, to not be
so extra? And I think that's horrible advice. You know,
that's like asking someone to like dim their light.

Speaker 2 (01:03:32):
You know, it's just a wild ask.

Speaker 1 (01:03:34):
I think you you have to be extra, and you
have to be cringe and you have to be yourself.
It's the only way you can really live authentically.

Speaker 3 (01:03:44):
Okay, run over the word count on that one. I'll
question number three, what's something that you used to value
that you no longer value?

Speaker 2 (01:03:55):
Drugs?

Speaker 3 (01:03:58):
I love it. Question number four, what's the first thing
you do in the morning and the last thing you
do at night? TikTok, honest Answer and question number five.
We asked this to every guest who's ever been on
the show. If you could create one law that everyone
in the world had to follow, what would.

Speaker 2 (01:04:16):
It be be nice to women.

Speaker 3 (01:04:24):
If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with
Will Smith on owning your truth and unlocking the power
of manifestation. Anybody who hasn't spoken to their parents or
their brother, call them right now.

Speaker 1 (01:04:39):
Don't think you're going to have a chance to call
them tomorrow or next week.

Speaker 3 (01:04:42):
That opportunity with my father changed every relationship in my life.

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