April 16, 2025 • 27 mins
Ronny Chieng tackles the Trump administration shirking responsibility for a Maryland father's mistaken deportation to El Salvador, their aggressive media tirade invoking Osama Bin Laden, and Harvard's defiance of Donald Trump. Plus, Josh Johnson explains how Trump's power changes from Harvard to El Salvador.
Trump promised that under his presidency, the rest of the world would fear and respect America "like never before." Desi Lydic takes a look at how other countries are responding to his massive trade war with a little less "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" and a little more "F-U."
Emmy-nominated writer and comedian Nimesh Patel sits down to discuss his upcoming stand-up tour. They chat about the first time they met in the New York comedy scene, the importance of crashing out on stage, why his daughter is “the biggest tariff” he’s encountered thus far, and the well-known Indians of MAGA.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central is America's
only sorts for news.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
This it's the Daily.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
Chick with your home from its.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Hey, welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Roy Chang. We
got so much to talk about tonight.
Speaker 4 (00:40):
The Supreme Court gets left on red, Democrats are hitting up.
They'll sell the door for spring break, and someone at
Harvard does not like them apples.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
So let's get into it.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
I'm going to comedy.
Speaker 4 (00:58):
Yesterday was a big day in American history. A group
of women finally met society's expectations to weigh zero pounds.
And also Donald Trump figured out that when the Supreme
Court tells him to do something, he can just ignore them,
which is why I'm always saying the Supreme Court needs nukes. Okay,
that's way more effective than that little hammer. Because right now,
it's been five days since they told Donald Trump to
(01:20):
help bring back kilmar Garcia after they accidentally deported him
to the mega prison in El Salvador, and it doesn't
seem like anyone's in a rush to bring him back.
Speaker 5 (01:29):
The job administration says it cannot return a marilynd Man
mistakenly deported to El Salvador or Trump officials to argue
that since Abrigo Garcia is locked inside a prison in
El Salvador, it's essentially not their problem anymore and they
can't do anything about it.
Speaker 6 (01:43):
But yesterday at the White House, bu Kelly said he
didn't have the authority to release Garcia either.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
I don't have the power to return him to the
United States.
Speaker 4 (01:52):
This is like every customer service call I've ever been on. Oh,
I'm sorry, this is billing. You're looking for technical support,
me transfer you. Hello, this is te goal support. Oh sorry,
you need billy? Can someone just help me cancel my
cable accept for Company Central? Which is a vital service
for American society.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
But the Trump.
Speaker 4 (02:11):
Administration isn't just enjoying the fun new constitutional loophole. They're
also going on offense. That's why Stephen Miller, Trump advisor
and multi verser's most whiney lex luthor, was also on
the driveway, asking questions he did not want the answer to.
Can anyone here tell me what would happen to the
illegally alien from mel Salvor if he came back from
(02:32):
that space?
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Does anyone here now do anyone want to guess any.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Of you you could be with his family?
Speaker 1 (02:37):
What did do any of you know the answer to
the question?
Speaker 3 (02:40):
Legally? What would happen if he came back here?
Speaker 6 (02:42):
Does any of you know anything?
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Do you really do?
Speaker 3 (02:45):
Course I'm talking?
Speaker 2 (02:46):
You really believe I'm praying before I'm talking?
Speaker 3 (02:48):
Though?
Speaker 7 (02:48):
Doesn't think?
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Or why was it? Naw, you're done.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
You asked the question.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Man.
Speaker 4 (02:55):
You can't be mad that they're trying to answer you.
It's like if a teacher said, okay, class, who can
tell me the capital of Norway?
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Anyone, anyone? Shut the fuck up, now answer a question.
I said, shut up. But it's not just Steven Miller.
Speaker 4 (03:10):
The entire Trump administration is getting frustrated with how these
dumb libs are winding about this one guy from Maryland.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
Oh, it's so awful.
Speaker 4 (03:17):
We accidentally sent a guy to the world's wall's prison
without trial or due process.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Shut the fuck up?
Speaker 4 (03:23):
Okay, because according to Homeland Security, he wasn't that great.
Speaker 8 (03:28):
The media would love for you to believe that this
is a media darling, that he's just some Maryland father. Well,
Osama bin Lauden was also a father, and yet he
wasn't a good guy, and they actually are both terrorists.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
This tween influencer is right.
Speaker 4 (03:41):
It's the position of this administration that all fathers are
basically Osama bin Lauden. I mean, seriously, this guy has
no criminal record at all. If he's a terrorist, he
might be the worst terrorist ever. I mean, he's been
in America for fourteen years and hasn't done any terrorism.
So maybe Trump is right, Maybe immigrants really are lazy.
(04:02):
What like, what is happening here? Okay, this is America.
We don't just send someone to prison without evidence. We
plan the evidence on them. It's called due process. But
at least one Democrat is actually going to do something
about this.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Marylyn.
Speaker 5 (04:18):
Senator Chris Van Holland says he's considering going to El
Salvador to meet with the country's president.
Speaker 9 (04:23):
He needs to come home, and that is why I
do intend to visit El Salvador this week to try
to visit him, to let him know that we're working
to bring him home.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
This is a trap. It's a trap. Do not go.
This guy's gonna go.
Speaker 4 (04:40):
Then the prison gods are going to be like, oh yeah, yeah, sure, Senator, Yeah,
he's right inside that cell over there. Yeah, go on in,
just all the way in the back there, just keep going.
I mean, good for the senator for what he's doing,
but it's gotta be at least a little disappointing for Garcia.
He's like, someone's coming to bring me out of prison?
Is it still Team six? Is it the guy from
(05:00):
prison break with the tattoos? No, it's me Maryland Senator
Chris van Holland. But maybe this is the beginning of
a new resistance to Trump, because other people are starting
to fight back.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
Wicked had.
Speaker 10 (05:16):
A showdown is now taking shape between the Trump administration
and America's oldest university, the federal government announcing it will
freeze more than two billion dollars in grants for Harvard
and sixty million dollars in contracts after the school refused
to comply with demands to limit activism on campus, eliminate
its DEI programs, and make other changes.
Speaker 4 (05:35):
Holy shit, we finally found a force more powerful than
Trump's hatred, Havard's love of sending rejection letters.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
But look, I don't usually.
Speaker 4 (05:44):
Root for Harvard because the Harvard They've got everything. It's
like rooting for Jeff Bezos to win the lottery. But
in this case, I have to give them credit standing
up for their principles and for everyone's right to free speech,
even if it means possible financial ruin.
Speaker 11 (06:00):
One of the big questions going forward is Harvard going
to dip into that fifty billion dollar plus endowment to
make up for that federal shortfall.
Speaker 4 (06:09):
Okay, I hate them again, But the best part about
Haava's resistance to Don Trump is that it gives people
the chance to go on TV and let you know
where they went to school.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
I myself in a first generation college graduate.
Speaker 12 (06:23):
I graduated from Harvard, and.
Speaker 6 (06:25):
I should disclose I went to Harvard, so I'm very
familiar with the president and with how the community feels
right now.
Speaker 5 (06:30):
But as Harvard alum, and as you know, I am
as well.
Speaker 13 (06:34):
I know many alums, including people I know very closely
in faculty members like me.
Speaker 14 (06:39):
I know you look really surprised because I'm wearing a
tie you've never seen before.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
It has it has a little Latin word.
Speaker 14 (06:48):
Inside each one of those symbols there the word veritas,
meaning truth of course. And this is the one night
It's a one night only appearance of this time.
Speaker 7 (07:00):
I know that that is not something that you usually
build board in the world about yourself.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Oh God.
Speaker 4 (07:06):
The only thing was than people bragging about going to
Harvard is people pretending to be embarrassed about going to Harvard.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
So oh, my doctors secret. Please don't make me tell anyone, please, No,
I went to Harvard.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
Harvard, ha, Havard, Havard. My favorite guy is Lawrenzo O'Donnell.
He's really embarrassed he has to talk about this. I mean,
it's definitely not something he will bring up all the
time over the course of many years.
Speaker 14 (07:32):
Let me just say confessionally, I went to Harvard College.
Speaker 12 (07:35):
Most of the good things that have happened to me
in some way trace back to Harvard. You and I
as Harvard Americans. Yes, I first heard him speak as
a guest lecturer at Harvard.
Speaker 3 (07:48):
Okay, well, I got into Harvard too.
Speaker 12 (07:50):
In fact, it was the only college I applied to.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
So I know.
Speaker 4 (07:56):
I'll try to bring people back from the Salvador megaprism.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
But do they have m for one and more?
Speaker 4 (08:01):
Any chance for more on Harvard's resistance to the Trump administration.
Let's go Live to the White House with Josh Johnson. Josh,
what's the latest?
Speaker 7 (08:16):
Oh, I'll tell you the latest Ronnie Harvard is about
to give. I mean, dude, these Cambridge nerds of any
idea of the kind of power they're dealing with. Donald
Trump is the president of the United Mother States, right.
Speaker 4 (08:29):
And since he's so powerful, you can also get kilmar
Garcia back from El Salvador.
Speaker 7 (08:34):
Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa. Donald Trump doesn't have that kind
of power, all right. He's only the president of the
United States. That's like being a middle school principal. He
doesn't even get his own parking space. You want to
put him up against the sovereign nation of l Salvador,
the Salvador.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Don't be crazy, man.
Speaker 4 (08:53):
Okay, okay, wait, but since when does Trump respect sovereign nations?
I mean, he's been talking all month about invading Greenland.
Speaker 7 (09:00):
And he will. Greenland belongs to America. You know why
because Doald Trump said so. And when you're swinging around
a pp as big as Donald Trump's, that's all it takes.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Okay, So he should do that with El Salvador. With
his tiny little peep.
Speaker 7 (09:16):
Trump can't tell El Salvador to do that. That country
is terrifying. They got a prison filled with Osama bin Loddens.
You saw what one Bin Ladden can do. Just think
about multiple Osama's Ben's Loddens.
Speaker 4 (09:31):
Okay, Josh Trump can't have it both ways. How can
he be fighting a trade war with China if he's
so weak?
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Who you call him? Weak? Bitch?
Speaker 7 (09:40):
Doald Trump has nukes, He's the biggest army in the world.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
They tried to shoot him and just shook it off.
Speaker 4 (09:45):
Okay, Okay, I think I'm getting it here. Okay, So
when it comes to China, Trump is powerful. He's gone
on Earth and Canada.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
He's Zeus.
Speaker 7 (09:58):
Maz Trump's he spits on Mars. Then he finds the
biggest crater and.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
He fox it all right?
Speaker 4 (10:05):
Okay, Like yeah, and El Salvador, what do you expect
him to do to El Salvador?
Speaker 7 (10:14):
Their president showed up wearing black on black, looking like
Juan Wick. But Trump Trump's just a scared little kid.
His mom died twenty five years ago. Do you know
that you want to put that little orphan boy on
(10:36):
a plane to El Salvador?
Speaker 1 (10:38):
You sick?
Speaker 4 (10:40):
Okay, I'm sorry, I guess I just don't understand the
power dynamic.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Leave that to me, Ronnie. I'm a smart guy. I
don't usually bring this up, but I went to Harvard.
Wait what, you went to Harvard to the bookstore.
Speaker 7 (11:03):
Did you know if you say you're going to buy
a sweatshirt, they'll let you tear up that bathroom.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Okay, johnsh Johnson.
Speaker 4 (11:08):
Everyone, when we come back, Jessie Lylis, we'll give America
respects it.
Speaker 15 (11:13):
Don't go away. Welcome back to the Daily Shop. I
(11:36):
have some disturbing news. America is not the only country
in the world. But what do these other so called
countries think of America. To find out, we turned to
desi lydis.
Speaker 16 (11:54):
Oh respect. We all learned how to spell it from
that song h ott og o find out what it
means to me. The scale of respect can go from
as high as old Kanye to as low as current Kanye.
It's a wide spectrum, and during his campaign, Donald Trump
promised that America would be climbing the respect charts again.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
Under my leadership, America soon will be respected again, very quickly,
respected like never before.
Speaker 4 (12:22):
America will be respected again and admired again.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Will you win?
Speaker 17 (12:27):
America will be feared and respected again.
Speaker 16 (12:32):
Oh yeah, Remember Trump's garbage era when he wore a
garbage costume and drove up in a garbage truck. It
was like y y yamyum in trash. Anyway, he's going
to get us respected again, and there's nothing the world
respects more than a good old fashioned trade war. So
now that we're a few weeks into it, let's see
(12:52):
how that's going over with the rest of the world,
starting with China.
Speaker 15 (12:56):
So if the United States wants to go in that
direction of completely shutting itself out of the standa market.
Speaker 13 (13:02):
Be my guest.
Speaker 6 (13:03):
Yeah, and China will lose the US market, which, as
I've said, it's fifteen.
Speaker 16 (13:09):
Wait o care ooh damn, I don't know. China also
manufactured caddy bitches.
Speaker 6 (13:17):
Whoo, I get it.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
I get it.
Speaker 16 (13:19):
Understandably, they're angry at us, but the important thing is
that they respect us.
Speaker 15 (13:24):
A viral AI generated video is making fun of US
China trade relations and at tensions escalate Trump.
Speaker 16 (13:32):
And Elon Moskin JD Van making Nike sneakers.
Speaker 7 (13:35):
They're also viral videos of.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Trump sitting behind a sewing machine in a factory.
Speaker 16 (13:38):
All of this rife on Chinese social media. Wow, this
is scary. I did not think AI had the power
to show Donald Trump doing skilled labor. But okay, who
cares if China doesn't respect us. They're only like a
quarter of the people on earth. That's not even half.
(14:00):
I'm sure the rest of the world is bowing down
to the US. What about you, France? Vulivucouchet respect MOI
sets wall in France. Menuhil mccron called the tariffs brutal
and unfounded.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
A town in France has replaced Coca Cola with apple
juice at municipal events.
Speaker 6 (14:17):
The boycott of Coca Cola.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
We need to punish mister Trump a little bit.
Speaker 6 (14:21):
They will content themselves with the statue of Liberty on
the Cae Descent in Paris. These French people will not
set foot in the United States as long as Donald
Trump is in power.
Speaker 4 (14:31):
I don't want to, although I love America and I've
been before, but this time that's.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
A no hold on.
Speaker 16 (14:37):
France had a second statue of liberty on the side
this whole time. That the most French thing I've ever heard.
But fine, fine, the French, You're hard to please. What
about other more easy going European nations like Italy, for example?
(15:00):
Maybe they're showing respect to American officials.
Speaker 12 (15:03):
Could I think musks should be placed under a mandatory
psychiatric hold.
Speaker 14 (15:07):
This guy has thirteen to fifteen children around the world.
He's a junkie, a nutcase.
Speaker 16 (15:13):
Come on, hey, hey, hey, hey, you can't talk about
musk like that. You're not one of his kids, although
statistically you might be. Wait, am I who cares what
Europe thinks with their delicious foods and generous paid parental leave.
(15:33):
Sometimes it's your closest friends and neighbors that see the
best in you. Like our syrup Somlier's in Canada. Sure,
we put an economically crippling tariff on them, but we're
still friends. Right, Give us some of that friendly respect
you're known for.
Speaker 12 (15:49):
In a country known for its politeness, This morning growing outrage.
Speaker 6 (15:54):
Many of them now boycotting American goods and travel here.
Speaker 9 (15:58):
This is my last Sigmerican PRODUCTA social media erupting with
calls to buy Canadian and boycott USA.
Speaker 16 (16:07):
So you can bye bye America and you can buy Canadian.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
You love that, right, apply for that.
Speaker 16 (16:18):
You've even that Canadian morning show's been mean to us.
Keep in mind the rest of that show is just
the co host apologizing that the weather isn't nicer. Guys,
we even lost Canada. Is there anyone in the world
that still respects us?
Speaker 4 (16:33):
These are not action swan dust to a friend, totally
unnecessary and stupid.
Speaker 6 (16:39):
The madness of a mentally ill.
Speaker 11 (16:41):
Man the biggest assault we have seen since the end
of the Second World War.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
The mess they use is dumb mess.
Speaker 18 (16:48):
They've been calculated in a way that makes back of
the envelope Crayola crayon scrawlings look like the work of
Isaac Newton.
Speaker 16 (17:01):
Oh that felt like going through. It's a small world.
But all those puppet children are telling us to write off.
So there you have it. Donald Trump promised we'd be
respected like never before, and technically we have reached never
(17:23):
before seen levels of respect. So that's why this week
I'm ranking America's respectiveness at stepmom, who insists we call
her mom, but we're still gonna call her Joyce. Better
luck next round, America.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Thank you, Desie, let me come back, and not that Desie.
You're nice to tell you driving on the shelves, we
don't go light.
Speaker 4 (18:01):
Welcome back to the Day show my guests tonight, as
an Emmy nominator writer and comedian, will be out on
the road to a new stand up comedy tour.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Please welcome. My good friend is nimes Ford.
Speaker 12 (18:28):
We welcome.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
Look at us two guys on TV.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Everybody man, so.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
People know it's I.
Speaker 4 (18:36):
When I came to New York City as a civilian
in twenty eleven, uh, and I was I wasn't living
in America even I came over and I came to
New York City for the first time, and I was
trying to do stand up comedy New York City. And
I went to open mic night and there was three
people at this open mic night. One of them was
(18:57):
like some white dude, some of some other dude forgettable.
The third person was you, and you hosted the show
and you gave me some stage time.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
And now here we are and here we are, yeah yeah,
and you and.
Speaker 4 (19:10):
When we did the show, we did a show and
you were super nice to me and you treat you
didn't care that in an accent.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
You didn't treat me like some foreigner.
Speaker 4 (19:19):
And which is more than which is more than I
can say for the last Indian guy who was on
this show.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
So thanks, thanks for being a cool person.
Speaker 17 (19:28):
I'm here for his spots. I've been on the road
for so long it's so good to be back in
New York.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
I was. I was on the way here, and it's true.
I was with my Indian fan.
Speaker 17 (19:37):
We're walking and this homeless guy goes look at these
two computers, and I missed that kind of racism. It's
just like, you don't want to control all the week homeless.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
What is he talking about?
Speaker 4 (19:52):
But even though homeless guys in New York know what's up,
know enough to be specific with the racism.
Speaker 17 (19:57):
What were you when you when we met in twenty eleven,
you were ex law school.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
I was still in law school.
Speaker 4 (20:06):
I was. I was studying for the by exam and
you were n YU.
Speaker 3 (20:10):
I was fine.
Speaker 17 (20:10):
I had just graduated two years from graduating at n
y U as a pre med finance.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
I was pre mad finance, pre mad finance. Why are
you cheering that none of none of them worked out?
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Pre Med finance is like the most kick aside.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
I wanted.
Speaker 17 (20:31):
I wanted to be like this evil private equity managed doctor.
Speaker 3 (20:37):
I was I want.
Speaker 17 (20:38):
When I joined n y U, I was gung ho
on being a cardiat pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
Sorry, I love that.
Speaker 4 (20:45):
Pre med finance is like I can't decide whether I
want to help people or kill.
Speaker 17 (20:49):
People, but it was definitely there was definitely some good intent.
And then I saw all my finance friends like, oh, yeah,
that seems fun.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Being evil seems fun.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
Yeah, but I was.
Speaker 17 (20:58):
I was gung ho and being pediatric carty thoracic surgeon.
And then I got a C plus in organic chemistry.
I was like those kids, and I'm never I'll never forget.
I'm sure you have a moment where like you called
your parents like I'm not doing law school anymore.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
No, I never told you.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
You never told us.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
They still don't know.
Speaker 3 (21:19):
Yeah, I called my mom. I called my mom.
Speaker 17 (21:21):
It's a mom, I'm dropping pre med and she screamed,
I've never heard a scream that loud since, like someone
like she screamed us if someone told her I was dead.
And she was like, what we pay for your school
to repay us, You're gonna up running a liquor store
just like your dad, and my dad's in the corner
like I do. And then I support my family and
(21:44):
I did. Then I did finance, and I graduated in
wait with a finance degree, and that obviously did not
work out.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
But the problem is like, I'm not.
Speaker 17 (21:53):
All my friends friends are finance millionaires, and I still
think I could do finance, Like I still think I
know math, you.
Speaker 4 (21:58):
Know alone everyone thinks apparently every in America thinks they
can do find it.
Speaker 17 (22:01):
Yeah, and I've learned that I should just stick to jokes.
As I was out to dinner with all my friends,
Hedgmung guy, one of the good ones, and and he's
telling me he was up, like he's managing ten billion
dollars and he's up seventy percent on the year.
Speaker 3 (22:16):
I'm like, you're up seven hundred million dollars. He's like, no, man,
that's that's seven billion dollars.
Speaker 17 (22:22):
Like, oh yeah, I'll stick to the jokes.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (22:27):
Yeah, So what's what's going on with Indians and mega.
Speaker 3 (22:35):
As as the Indian representative?
Speaker 1 (22:37):
No, I mean that is something interesting.
Speaker 17 (22:40):
Yeah, look like that's Trump's dei Indian people, the dick
eating Indians. Dude, there's so many there's so many Indians
that love Donald Trump, like vive that Ramaswami. Yeah, some
Indians and yeah, yeah another Harvy guy.
Speaker 3 (22:56):
It was your Harvard guy.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
I appreciates the Hova guy.
Speaker 3 (22:57):
I mean, what a what a herb that's if you
don't know what a herb is.
Speaker 17 (23:01):
A herb is what we call people in the nineties
when they're being herbs like he's he's a herb. He's
he ran for president and lost. Obviously, he ran for
president and his main thing was his opening line was
God is real? Why do he make you five to seven?
B deck, that's the guy. I don't know if he's
five to seven, but he has five seven energy. And
(23:22):
then I won't say his name again because if you
say it more than three times, he just pops.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Up under the desk. What's in the permative action, guys?
Speaker 17 (23:32):
And then there's mis who I'm praying for. I'm hoping
she has Stockholm syndrome because otherwise why but really you
have to and then and then of course, of course
the King cash Betel. If you don't, I'm not saying
(23:53):
it about cash Betel. I'm trying to not try to
get one of these one way tickets.
Speaker 3 (23:56):
El Sala.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Know, it's a say game if you know.
Speaker 17 (24:02):
If you don't know Cash Hotel, you guys don't seem
that concerned. But every Indian knows Cash Hotel. But if
you don't know him, he's he's the director of the FBI,
and people don't seem worried about him. But his real
name is Gush shap Promode the Node Patel. He grew
up in racist ask Long Island with the name gush
ship Promode the Node Patel. He is out for revenge.
(24:23):
You should be very concerned.
Speaker 3 (24:25):
I'm not a man.
Speaker 17 (24:26):
I'm not a fan of the guy's politics. But if
I get pulled over, that is my cousin. You don't
see the resemblance of that's that's me, dude. All right, well,
you're going on tour stand up tour soon, right, I
am going on tour soon. It's either I mean I
need money, Okay, I just I just had a kid,
(24:46):
and she is she's the biggest tariff on my life.
She's six months old, new baby. She's fanantastic, putting her
hands to work right away. She's busy making a phone
right now. Okay, but in America.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
But in America, of course.
Speaker 17 (25:10):
But like it's either that or commit white collar crime,
Like I need to tour or commit white collar crime.
Doesn't seem like a ripe time to commit white collar crime.
This is the golden is This is like we should
be embezzling. We should be ponding right now.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
We are.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
We are inside of trade.
Speaker 4 (25:25):
I need to instid of trading has become very open
now you just basically all you need to do is
join truth Social and you can get a few good.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
Tips on that platform.
Speaker 17 (25:36):
You can't commit an SEC violation if the SEC doesn't.
Speaker 3 (25:38):
Exist, you know what I mean. So let's steal.
Speaker 17 (25:41):
No, but it's I'm touring. I'm going to like that
was a step two file.
Speaker 4 (25:48):
We don't mind no racism, but don't don't just disrespect
the SEC.
Speaker 3 (25:52):
Yeah, robin hoods are safe. No, I'm going on to it.
Speaker 17 (25:56):
I'm going to like a bunch of I'm starting at
a bunch of clubs because you know is you got
to build a set at a bunch of clubs, talk
a bunch of shit, crash out and then yeah, some
some young people in the room. Good crashing out, sir,
is when you say some ship that you shouldn't say,
I'm gonna be I'm gonna doing that at a lot
(26:17):
of I'm.
Speaker 3 (26:18):
Not gonna go full Kanye. I think this.
Speaker 4 (26:19):
Whole interview has been a definition. It's a dictionary.
Speaker 1 (26:25):
Term being news.
Speaker 4 (26:28):
Huh, crashing out, Hey, listen, man, Thank you so much,
Thank you so much for being my.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
First friend in America.
Speaker 4 (26:35):
There's always been very cool to thank you, even though
I came all the way from Australia at the time.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
You didn't cheat me like a foreigner.
Speaker 4 (26:41):
And I'm very happy to be your friend here.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
Thanks, thank you, thank you very much.
Speaker 4 (26:46):
Right than the message tours, then in club them theaters,
right now to this website, finding.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
New mess dot com to take us.
Speaker 11 (26:53):
It's u us with everybody.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Well, God, take a quick break.
Speaker 11 (26:56):
But right back after this, that's USh over tonight now.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
Here it is the moment of bed.
Speaker 13 (27:14):
You have had President Brian at Harvard do the same thing.
I think right now. The universities need to find some courage.
Our law firms need to find some courage. There are
things that matter more than simply the size of one's endowment.
Speaker 2 (27:33):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount
Speaker 1 (27:46):
Plus Paramount Podcasts
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central is America's
only sorts for news.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
This it's the Daily.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
Chick with your home from its.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Hey, welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Roy Chang. We
got so much to talk about tonight.
Speaker 4 (00:40):
The Supreme Court gets left on red, Democrats are hitting up.
They'll sell the door for spring break, and someone at
Harvard does not like them apples.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
So let's get into it.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
I'm going to comedy.
Speaker 4 (00:58):
Yesterday was a big day in American history. A group
of women finally met society's expectations to weigh zero pounds.
And also Donald Trump figured out that when the Supreme
Court tells him to do something, he can just ignore them,
which is why I'm always saying the Supreme Court needs nukes. Okay,
that's way more effective than that little hammer. Because right now,
it's been five days since they told Donald Trump to
(01:20):
help bring back kilmar Garcia after they accidentally deported him
to the mega prison in El Salvador, and it doesn't
seem like anyone's in a rush to bring him back.
Speaker 5 (01:29):
The job administration says it cannot return a marilynd Man
mistakenly deported to El Salvador or Trump officials to argue
that since Abrigo Garcia is locked inside a prison in
El Salvador, it's essentially not their problem anymore and they
can't do anything about it.
Speaker 6 (01:43):
But yesterday at the White House, bu Kelly said he
didn't have the authority to release Garcia either.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
I don't have the power to return him to the
United States.
Speaker 4 (01:52):
This is like every customer service call I've ever been on. Oh,
I'm sorry, this is billing. You're looking for technical support,
me transfer you. Hello, this is te goal support. Oh sorry,
you need billy? Can someone just help me cancel my
cable accept for Company Central? Which is a vital service
for American society.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
But the Trump.
Speaker 4 (02:11):
Administration isn't just enjoying the fun new constitutional loophole. They're
also going on offense. That's why Stephen Miller, Trump advisor
and multi verser's most whiney lex luthor, was also on
the driveway, asking questions he did not want the answer to.
Can anyone here tell me what would happen to the
illegally alien from mel Salvor if he came back from
(02:32):
that space?
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Does anyone here now do anyone want to guess any.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Of you you could be with his family?
Speaker 1 (02:37):
What did do any of you know the answer to
the question?
Speaker 3 (02:40):
Legally? What would happen if he came back here?
Speaker 6 (02:42):
Does any of you know anything?
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Do you really do?
Speaker 3 (02:45):
Course I'm talking?
Speaker 2 (02:46):
You really believe I'm praying before I'm talking?
Speaker 3 (02:48):
Though?
Speaker 7 (02:48):
Doesn't think?
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Or why was it? Naw, you're done.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
You asked the question.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Man.
Speaker 4 (02:55):
You can't be mad that they're trying to answer you.
It's like if a teacher said, okay, class, who can
tell me the capital of Norway?
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Anyone, anyone? Shut the fuck up, now answer a question.
I said, shut up. But it's not just Steven Miller.
Speaker 4 (03:10):
The entire Trump administration is getting frustrated with how these
dumb libs are winding about this one guy from Maryland.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
Oh, it's so awful.
Speaker 4 (03:17):
We accidentally sent a guy to the world's wall's prison
without trial or due process.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Shut the fuck up?
Speaker 4 (03:23):
Okay, because according to Homeland Security, he wasn't that great.
Speaker 8 (03:28):
The media would love for you to believe that this
is a media darling, that he's just some Maryland father. Well,
Osama bin Lauden was also a father, and yet he
wasn't a good guy, and they actually are both terrorists.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
This tween influencer is right.
Speaker 4 (03:41):
It's the position of this administration that all fathers are
basically Osama bin Lauden. I mean, seriously, this guy has
no criminal record at all. If he's a terrorist, he
might be the worst terrorist ever. I mean, he's been
in America for fourteen years and hasn't done any terrorism.
So maybe Trump is right, Maybe immigrants really are lazy.
(04:02):
What like, what is happening here? Okay, this is America.
We don't just send someone to prison without evidence. We
plan the evidence on them. It's called due process. But
at least one Democrat is actually going to do something
about this.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Marylyn.
Speaker 5 (04:18):
Senator Chris Van Holland says he's considering going to El
Salvador to meet with the country's president.
Speaker 9 (04:23):
He needs to come home, and that is why I
do intend to visit El Salvador this week to try
to visit him, to let him know that we're working
to bring him home.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
This is a trap. It's a trap. Do not go.
This guy's gonna go.
Speaker 4 (04:40):
Then the prison gods are going to be like, oh yeah, yeah, sure, Senator, Yeah,
he's right inside that cell over there. Yeah, go on in,
just all the way in the back there, just keep going.
I mean, good for the senator for what he's doing,
but it's gotta be at least a little disappointing for Garcia.
He's like, someone's coming to bring me out of prison?
Is it still Team six? Is it the guy from
(05:00):
prison break with the tattoos? No, it's me Maryland Senator
Chris van Holland. But maybe this is the beginning of
a new resistance to Trump, because other people are starting
to fight back.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
Wicked had.
Speaker 10 (05:16):
A showdown is now taking shape between the Trump administration
and America's oldest university, the federal government announcing it will
freeze more than two billion dollars in grants for Harvard
and sixty million dollars in contracts after the school refused
to comply with demands to limit activism on campus, eliminate
its DEI programs, and make other changes.
Speaker 4 (05:35):
Holy shit, we finally found a force more powerful than
Trump's hatred, Havard's love of sending rejection letters.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
But look, I don't usually.
Speaker 4 (05:44):
Root for Harvard because the Harvard They've got everything. It's
like rooting for Jeff Bezos to win the lottery. But
in this case, I have to give them credit standing
up for their principles and for everyone's right to free speech,
even if it means possible financial ruin.
Speaker 11 (06:00):
One of the big questions going forward is Harvard going
to dip into that fifty billion dollar plus endowment to
make up for that federal shortfall.
Speaker 4 (06:09):
Okay, I hate them again, But the best part about
Haava's resistance to Don Trump is that it gives people
the chance to go on TV and let you know
where they went to school.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
I myself in a first generation college graduate.
Speaker 12 (06:23):
I graduated from Harvard, and.
Speaker 6 (06:25):
I should disclose I went to Harvard, so I'm very
familiar with the president and with how the community feels
right now.
Speaker 5 (06:30):
But as Harvard alum, and as you know, I am
as well.
Speaker 13 (06:34):
I know many alums, including people I know very closely
in faculty members like me.
Speaker 14 (06:39):
I know you look really surprised because I'm wearing a
tie you've never seen before.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
It has it has a little Latin word.
Speaker 14 (06:48):
Inside each one of those symbols there the word veritas,
meaning truth of course. And this is the one night
It's a one night only appearance of this time.
Speaker 7 (07:00):
I know that that is not something that you usually
build board in the world about yourself.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Oh God.
Speaker 4 (07:06):
The only thing was than people bragging about going to
Harvard is people pretending to be embarrassed about going to Harvard.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
So oh, my doctors secret. Please don't make me tell anyone, please, No,
I went to Harvard.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
Harvard, ha, Havard, Havard. My favorite guy is Lawrenzo O'Donnell.
He's really embarrassed he has to talk about this. I mean,
it's definitely not something he will bring up all the
time over the course of many years.
Speaker 14 (07:32):
Let me just say confessionally, I went to Harvard College.
Speaker 12 (07:35):
Most of the good things that have happened to me
in some way trace back to Harvard. You and I
as Harvard Americans. Yes, I first heard him speak as
a guest lecturer at Harvard.
Speaker 3 (07:48):
Okay, well, I got into Harvard too.
Speaker 12 (07:50):
In fact, it was the only college I applied to.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
So I know.
Speaker 4 (07:56):
I'll try to bring people back from the Salvador megaprism.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
But do they have m for one and more?
Speaker 4 (08:01):
Any chance for more on Harvard's resistance to the Trump administration.
Let's go Live to the White House with Josh Johnson. Josh,
what's the latest?
Speaker 7 (08:16):
Oh, I'll tell you the latest Ronnie Harvard is about
to give. I mean, dude, these Cambridge nerds of any
idea of the kind of power they're dealing with. Donald
Trump is the president of the United Mother States, right.
Speaker 4 (08:29):
And since he's so powerful, you can also get kilmar
Garcia back from El Salvador.
Speaker 7 (08:34):
Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa. Donald Trump doesn't have that kind
of power, all right. He's only the president of the
United States. That's like being a middle school principal. He
doesn't even get his own parking space. You want to
put him up against the sovereign nation of l Salvador,
the Salvador.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Don't be crazy, man.
Speaker 4 (08:53):
Okay, okay, wait, but since when does Trump respect sovereign nations?
I mean, he's been talking all month about invading Greenland.
Speaker 7 (09:00):
And he will. Greenland belongs to America. You know why
because Doald Trump said so. And when you're swinging around
a pp as big as Donald Trump's, that's all it takes.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Okay, So he should do that with El Salvador. With
his tiny little peep.
Speaker 7 (09:16):
Trump can't tell El Salvador to do that. That country
is terrifying. They got a prison filled with Osama bin Loddens.
You saw what one Bin Ladden can do. Just think
about multiple Osama's Ben's Loddens.
Speaker 4 (09:31):
Okay, Josh Trump can't have it both ways. How can
he be fighting a trade war with China if he's
so weak?
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Who you call him? Weak? Bitch?
Speaker 7 (09:40):
Doald Trump has nukes, He's the biggest army in the world.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
They tried to shoot him and just shook it off.
Speaker 4 (09:45):
Okay, Okay, I think I'm getting it here. Okay, So
when it comes to China, Trump is powerful. He's gone
on Earth and Canada.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
He's Zeus.
Speaker 7 (09:58):
Maz Trump's he spits on Mars. Then he finds the
biggest crater and.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
He fox it all right?
Speaker 4 (10:05):
Okay, Like yeah, and El Salvador, what do you expect
him to do to El Salvador?
Speaker 7 (10:14):
Their president showed up wearing black on black, looking like
Juan Wick. But Trump Trump's just a scared little kid.
His mom died twenty five years ago. Do you know
that you want to put that little orphan boy on
(10:36):
a plane to El Salvador?
Speaker 1 (10:38):
You sick?
Speaker 4 (10:40):
Okay, I'm sorry, I guess I just don't understand the
power dynamic.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Leave that to me, Ronnie. I'm a smart guy. I
don't usually bring this up, but I went to Harvard.
Wait what, you went to Harvard to the bookstore.
Speaker 7 (11:03):
Did you know if you say you're going to buy
a sweatshirt, they'll let you tear up that bathroom.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Okay, johnsh Johnson.
Speaker 4 (11:08):
Everyone, when we come back, Jessie Lylis, we'll give America
respects it.
Speaker 15 (11:13):
Don't go away. Welcome back to the Daily Shop. I
(11:36):
have some disturbing news. America is not the only country
in the world. But what do these other so called
countries think of America. To find out, we turned to
desi lydis.
Speaker 16 (11:54):
Oh respect. We all learned how to spell it from
that song h ott og o find out what it
means to me. The scale of respect can go from
as high as old Kanye to as low as current Kanye.
It's a wide spectrum, and during his campaign, Donald Trump
promised that America would be climbing the respect charts again.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
Under my leadership, America soon will be respected again, very quickly,
respected like never before.
Speaker 4 (12:22):
America will be respected again and admired again.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Will you win?
Speaker 17 (12:27):
America will be feared and respected again.
Speaker 16 (12:32):
Oh yeah, Remember Trump's garbage era when he wore a
garbage costume and drove up in a garbage truck. It
was like y y yamyum in trash. Anyway, he's going
to get us respected again, and there's nothing the world
respects more than a good old fashioned trade war. So
now that we're a few weeks into it, let's see
(12:52):
how that's going over with the rest of the world,
starting with China.
Speaker 15 (12:56):
So if the United States wants to go in that
direction of completely shutting itself out of the standa market.
Speaker 13 (13:02):
Be my guest.
Speaker 6 (13:03):
Yeah, and China will lose the US market, which, as
I've said, it's fifteen.
Speaker 16 (13:09):
Wait o care ooh damn, I don't know. China also
manufactured caddy bitches.
Speaker 6 (13:17):
Whoo, I get it.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
I get it.
Speaker 16 (13:19):
Understandably, they're angry at us, but the important thing is
that they respect us.
Speaker 15 (13:24):
A viral AI generated video is making fun of US
China trade relations and at tensions escalate Trump.
Speaker 16 (13:32):
And Elon Moskin JD Van making Nike sneakers.
Speaker 7 (13:35):
They're also viral videos of.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Trump sitting behind a sewing machine in a factory.
Speaker 16 (13:38):
All of this rife on Chinese social media. Wow, this
is scary. I did not think AI had the power
to show Donald Trump doing skilled labor. But okay, who
cares if China doesn't respect us. They're only like a
quarter of the people on earth. That's not even half.
(14:00):
I'm sure the rest of the world is bowing down
to the US. What about you, France? Vulivucouchet respect MOI
sets wall in France. Menuhil mccron called the tariffs brutal
and unfounded.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
A town in France has replaced Coca Cola with apple
juice at municipal events.
Speaker 6 (14:17):
The boycott of Coca Cola.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
We need to punish mister Trump a little bit.
Speaker 6 (14:21):
They will content themselves with the statue of Liberty on
the Cae Descent in Paris. These French people will not
set foot in the United States as long as Donald
Trump is in power.
Speaker 4 (14:31):
I don't want to, although I love America and I've
been before, but this time that's.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
A no hold on.
Speaker 16 (14:37):
France had a second statue of liberty on the side
this whole time. That the most French thing I've ever heard.
But fine, fine, the French, You're hard to please. What
about other more easy going European nations like Italy, for example?
(15:00):
Maybe they're showing respect to American officials.
Speaker 12 (15:03):
Could I think musks should be placed under a mandatory
psychiatric hold.
Speaker 14 (15:07):
This guy has thirteen to fifteen children around the world.
He's a junkie, a nutcase.
Speaker 16 (15:13):
Come on, hey, hey, hey, hey, you can't talk about
musk like that. You're not one of his kids, although
statistically you might be. Wait, am I who cares what
Europe thinks with their delicious foods and generous paid parental leave.
(15:33):
Sometimes it's your closest friends and neighbors that see the
best in you. Like our syrup Somlier's in Canada. Sure,
we put an economically crippling tariff on them, but we're
still friends. Right, Give us some of that friendly respect
you're known for.
Speaker 12 (15:49):
In a country known for its politeness, This morning growing outrage.
Speaker 6 (15:54):
Many of them now boycotting American goods and travel here.
Speaker 9 (15:58):
This is my last Sigmerican PRODUCTA social media erupting with
calls to buy Canadian and boycott USA.
Speaker 16 (16:07):
So you can bye bye America and you can buy Canadian.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
You love that, right, apply for that.
Speaker 16 (16:18):
You've even that Canadian morning show's been mean to us.
Keep in mind the rest of that show is just
the co host apologizing that the weather isn't nicer. Guys,
we even lost Canada. Is there anyone in the world
that still respects us?
Speaker 4 (16:33):
These are not action swan dust to a friend, totally
unnecessary and stupid.
Speaker 6 (16:39):
The madness of a mentally ill.
Speaker 11 (16:41):
Man the biggest assault we have seen since the end
of the Second World War.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
The mess they use is dumb mess.
Speaker 18 (16:48):
They've been calculated in a way that makes back of
the envelope Crayola crayon scrawlings look like the work of
Isaac Newton.
Speaker 16 (17:01):
Oh that felt like going through. It's a small world.
But all those puppet children are telling us to write off.
So there you have it. Donald Trump promised we'd be
respected like never before, and technically we have reached never
(17:23):
before seen levels of respect. So that's why this week
I'm ranking America's respectiveness at stepmom, who insists we call
her mom, but we're still gonna call her Joyce. Better
luck next round, America.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Thank you, Desie, let me come back, and not that Desie.
You're nice to tell you driving on the shelves, we
don't go light.
Speaker 4 (18:01):
Welcome back to the Day show my guests tonight, as
an Emmy nominator writer and comedian, will be out on
the road to a new stand up comedy tour.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Please welcome. My good friend is nimes Ford.
Speaker 12 (18:28):
We welcome.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
Look at us two guys on TV.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Everybody man, so.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
People know it's I.
Speaker 4 (18:36):
When I came to New York City as a civilian
in twenty eleven, uh, and I was I wasn't living
in America even I came over and I came to
New York City for the first time, and I was
trying to do stand up comedy New York City. And
I went to open mic night and there was three
people at this open mic night. One of them was
(18:57):
like some white dude, some of some other dude forgettable.
The third person was you, and you hosted the show
and you gave me some stage time.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
And now here we are and here we are, yeah yeah,
and you and.
Speaker 4 (19:10):
When we did the show, we did a show and
you were super nice to me and you treat you
didn't care that in an accent.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
You didn't treat me like some foreigner.
Speaker 4 (19:19):
And which is more than which is more than I
can say for the last Indian guy who was on
this show.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
So thanks, thanks for being a cool person.
Speaker 17 (19:28):
I'm here for his spots. I've been on the road
for so long it's so good to be back in
New York.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
I was. I was on the way here, and it's true.
I was with my Indian fan.
Speaker 17 (19:37):
We're walking and this homeless guy goes look at these
two computers, and I missed that kind of racism. It's
just like, you don't want to control all the week homeless.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
What is he talking about?
Speaker 4 (19:52):
But even though homeless guys in New York know what's up,
know enough to be specific with the racism.
Speaker 17 (19:57):
What were you when you when we met in twenty eleven,
you were ex law school.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
I was still in law school.
Speaker 4 (20:06):
I was. I was studying for the by exam and
you were n YU.
Speaker 3 (20:10):
I was fine.
Speaker 17 (20:10):
I had just graduated two years from graduating at n
y U as a pre med finance.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
I was pre mad finance, pre mad finance. Why are
you cheering that none of none of them worked out?
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Pre Med finance is like the most kick aside.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
I wanted.
Speaker 17 (20:31):
I wanted to be like this evil private equity managed doctor.
Speaker 3 (20:37):
I was I want.
Speaker 17 (20:38):
When I joined n y U, I was gung ho
on being a cardiat pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
Sorry, I love that.
Speaker 4 (20:45):
Pre med finance is like I can't decide whether I
want to help people or kill.
Speaker 17 (20:49):
People, but it was definitely there was definitely some good intent.
And then I saw all my finance friends like, oh, yeah,
that seems fun.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Being evil seems fun.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
Yeah, but I was.
Speaker 17 (20:58):
I was gung ho and being pediatric carty thoracic surgeon.
And then I got a C plus in organic chemistry.
I was like those kids, and I'm never I'll never forget.
I'm sure you have a moment where like you called
your parents like I'm not doing law school anymore.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
No, I never told you.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
You never told us.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
They still don't know.
Speaker 3 (21:19):
Yeah, I called my mom. I called my mom.
Speaker 17 (21:21):
It's a mom, I'm dropping pre med and she screamed,
I've never heard a scream that loud since, like someone
like she screamed us if someone told her I was dead.
And she was like, what we pay for your school
to repay us, You're gonna up running a liquor store
just like your dad, and my dad's in the corner
like I do. And then I support my family and
(21:44):
I did. Then I did finance, and I graduated in
wait with a finance degree, and that obviously did not
work out.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
But the problem is like, I'm not.
Speaker 17 (21:53):
All my friends friends are finance millionaires, and I still
think I could do finance, Like I still think I
know math, you.
Speaker 4 (21:58):
Know alone everyone thinks apparently every in America thinks they
can do find it.
Speaker 17 (22:01):
Yeah, and I've learned that I should just stick to jokes.
As I was out to dinner with all my friends,
Hedgmung guy, one of the good ones, and and he's
telling me he was up, like he's managing ten billion
dollars and he's up seventy percent on the year.
Speaker 3 (22:16):
I'm like, you're up seven hundred million dollars. He's like, no, man,
that's that's seven billion dollars.
Speaker 17 (22:22):
Like, oh yeah, I'll stick to the jokes.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (22:27):
Yeah, So what's what's going on with Indians and mega.
Speaker 3 (22:35):
As as the Indian representative?
Speaker 1 (22:37):
No, I mean that is something interesting.
Speaker 17 (22:40):
Yeah, look like that's Trump's dei Indian people, the dick
eating Indians. Dude, there's so many there's so many Indians
that love Donald Trump, like vive that Ramaswami. Yeah, some
Indians and yeah, yeah another Harvy guy.
Speaker 3 (22:56):
It was your Harvard guy.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
I appreciates the Hova guy.
Speaker 3 (22:57):
I mean, what a what a herb that's if you
don't know what a herb is.
Speaker 17 (23:01):
A herb is what we call people in the nineties
when they're being herbs like he's he's a herb. He's
he ran for president and lost. Obviously, he ran for
president and his main thing was his opening line was
God is real? Why do he make you five to seven?
B deck, that's the guy. I don't know if he's
five to seven, but he has five seven energy. And
(23:22):
then I won't say his name again because if you
say it more than three times, he just pops.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Up under the desk. What's in the permative action, guys?
Speaker 17 (23:32):
And then there's mis who I'm praying for. I'm hoping
she has Stockholm syndrome because otherwise why but really you
have to and then and then of course, of course
the King cash Betel. If you don't, I'm not saying
(23:53):
it about cash Betel. I'm trying to not try to
get one of these one way tickets.
Speaker 3 (23:56):
El Sala.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Know, it's a say game if you know.
Speaker 17 (24:02):
If you don't know Cash Hotel, you guys don't seem
that concerned. But every Indian knows Cash Hotel. But if
you don't know him, he's he's the director of the FBI,
and people don't seem worried about him. But his real
name is Gush shap Promode the Node Patel. He grew
up in racist ask Long Island with the name gush
ship Promode the Node Patel. He is out for revenge.
(24:23):
You should be very concerned.
Speaker 3 (24:25):
I'm not a man.
Speaker 17 (24:26):
I'm not a fan of the guy's politics. But if
I get pulled over, that is my cousin. You don't
see the resemblance of that's that's me, dude. All right, well,
you're going on tour stand up tour soon, right, I
am going on tour soon. It's either I mean I
need money, Okay, I just I just had a kid,
(24:46):
and she is she's the biggest tariff on my life.
She's six months old, new baby. She's fanantastic, putting her
hands to work right away. She's busy making a phone
right now. Okay, but in America.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
But in America, of course.
Speaker 17 (25:10):
But like it's either that or commit white collar crime,
Like I need to tour or commit white collar crime.
Doesn't seem like a ripe time to commit white collar crime.
This is the golden is This is like we should
be embezzling. We should be ponding right now.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
We are.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
We are inside of trade.
Speaker 4 (25:25):
I need to instid of trading has become very open
now you just basically all you need to do is
join truth Social and you can get a few good.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
Tips on that platform.
Speaker 17 (25:36):
You can't commit an SEC violation if the SEC doesn't.
Speaker 3 (25:38):
Exist, you know what I mean. So let's steal.
Speaker 17 (25:41):
No, but it's I'm touring. I'm going to like that
was a step two file.
Speaker 4 (25:48):
We don't mind no racism, but don't don't just disrespect
the SEC.
Speaker 3 (25:52):
Yeah, robin hoods are safe. No, I'm going on to it.
Speaker 17 (25:56):
I'm going to like a bunch of I'm starting at
a bunch of clubs because you know is you got
to build a set at a bunch of clubs, talk
a bunch of shit, crash out and then yeah, some
some young people in the room. Good crashing out, sir,
is when you say some ship that you shouldn't say,
I'm gonna be I'm gonna doing that at a lot
(26:17):
of I'm.
Speaker 3 (26:18):
Not gonna go full Kanye. I think this.
Speaker 4 (26:19):
Whole interview has been a definition. It's a dictionary.
Speaker 1 (26:25):
Term being news.
Speaker 4 (26:28):
Huh, crashing out, Hey, listen, man, Thank you so much,
Thank you so much for being my.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
First friend in America.
Speaker 4 (26:35):
There's always been very cool to thank you, even though
I came all the way from Australia at the time.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
You didn't cheat me like a foreigner.
Speaker 4 (26:41):
And I'm very happy to be your friend here.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
Thanks, thank you, thank you very much.
Speaker 4 (26:46):
Right than the message tours, then in club them theaters,
right now to this website, finding.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
New mess dot com to take us.
Speaker 11 (26:53):
It's u us with everybody.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Well, God, take a quick break.
Speaker 11 (26:56):
But right back after this, that's USh over tonight now.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
Here it is the moment of bed.
Speaker 13 (27:14):
You have had President Brian at Harvard do the same thing.
I think right now. The universities need to find some courage.
Our law firms need to find some courage. There are
things that matter more than simply the size of one's endowment.
Speaker 2 (27:33):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount
Speaker 1 (27:46):
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