Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Yew. Well, let's begin tonight with the weekends festivities. A
big weekend for what we call Judeo Christians, two major
religious festivals at the same time, and President Obama celebrated
both of them, and what I believe is an attempt
to convince me VILLI is a Muslim.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Nice try, Nice try.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Yesterday, of course, was Easter, which, along with Good Friday,
commemorates the death and resurrection of Christ. And this morning
the White House celebrated in the manner prescribed by scripture.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
In just about a half hour, are they going to
start the one hundred and thirty fourth annual White House
Easter egg roll? These are some of our friends here,
the power Rangers out on the chipmunks, Wobblewobsie penguins.
Speaker 4 (00:49):
Can they has been trying to get on camera the
entire time that.
Speaker 5 (00:51):
Here are the eggs, eggs.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
The eggs are here right now.
Speaker 6 (00:56):
We've got some Harlem globetrotters.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
It's great holiday for people who gave up LSD for lent.
You see all them too, right, Actually this scene is
true to biblical scholarship. I remember these characters from the
Last Supper if I'm.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Not mistaken, that was.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
One of you will betray me, all men, So the
White House.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Pulls out all the stops for Easter. Passover is the
same weekend.
Speaker 7 (01:44):
Bring it.
Speaker 8 (01:45):
I'd like to wish a happy holiday to all those
celebrating Passover. Led by Jewish members of my staff, will
retell the story of the Exodus, listen to our youngest guests,
ask the four questions, and of course look forward to
a good bowl of mantza ballsuit.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
That's it. That's what Jews get.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
You get a huge shindig on the White House lawn
for Easter with every children's character that has ever been invented,
including this guy. Who is this guy Captain Planet? Oh
what's his super? That way, he's Captain Planet.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Hey kids.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
My selling point for my people is we're gonna have soup.
It's the Avengers versus the Jewish members of my staff. Hey, kids,
who wants to meet Debbie Wasserman Schultz?
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Where's everybody going? Look? And I get it.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
I don't want to say Satyrs are boring, but this
isn't a photo we're showing.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
It's video.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Allow me to get personal for just a moment, as
a father of mixed faith children who are exposed to
both Christian and Jewish holidays.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
I can't help but.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Feel that we Jews are getting our asses kicked out here.
In fact, you know what, Jews Camera three.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
What are we doing? We've already conceded defeat in the.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
Christmas v Honikah kerfuffle, seeing that the Christians are celebrating
the birth of their savior, and Honkkah is acknowledging oil
lasting longer than it would normally last. And to be
(03:53):
honest with the truth be told, there really is no gauge.
I mean, how much oil was in There could have.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Been eight days worth of oil. We don't really know.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
I mean it could have been a very suitable amount
of oil to Burford. It's not the point.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
It's not the point.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
The point is this, there's no contest there, Honika Christmas,
no contest, But we can't afford to lose this one too.
The key is the children, people, That's what Christians have
figured out. You get the children, you win. Let's check
out both sides. Holiday pitch okay, kids. Easter Weekend is
an observation of Christ's crucifixion and resurrection. So boom bam boom, bam.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
A bathroom with candy.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
We got chocolate bunnies, We got candy eggs. We got
choucolate bunnies who lay candy eggs.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
Fill with more chocolate.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
How are Christians the one that came up with plastic grass?
By the way, we're the ones with hay fever. But
all right, it's cool. It's cool. Jews, what do we got? Well,
we're celebrating our freedom from slavery, so.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Book bawl, let my people not.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
We're gonna gone with a freedom themes festival, or instead
we chose to focus on the slavery part of the dinner. Hey,
five year olds, basket filled with candy and jelly beans
or horseradish still in root form? Would you like the
treats a magical bunny brought you?
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Or a bone from a dead baby?
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Lamb, don't worry, we used its blood to mark the door.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
Oh which egg? Am I going to go for?
Speaker 2 (05:47):
The one filled with chocolate or the one filled with egg?
Because it's an actual an egg, because that's what slaves ate.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Taste it? Oh wait, before you eat it, make sure
you dip it in saltwater.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
It represents the tears of your ancestors. Oh good, I
see you're making more. We gotta take it up a notch.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
They're crushing us.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
I'm not saying we lose our traditions. We gotta adapt it.
With a slight nod towards recruitment. I'm gonna say, we
gotta go Jehovah's witness on this thing.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
But what's wrong with bringing a little zazz thinging outside
the box.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
We've got a great story here, Moses parting.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
The Red Seas. How have we not turned that into
a water park? Oh wait, I'll see you over.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
At the Red Sea ride when I'm done building ice
cream pyramids.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
We gotta do something.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
Did you see who the Christians booked this year as
their special guest.
Speaker 9 (07:06):
Star on this Easter Sunday, a familiar phase helping to
deliver the Sunday sermon, quarterback Tim Tebow.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
They got tamo.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Tim Tebow, superstar NFL quarterback helping them celebrate Easter hesdrawing
like twenty thousand people to Texas.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Who do we have same guests every year? Elijah?
Speaker 2 (07:24):
They can't be bothering to go off. Obviously, it would
be great if we also could get a superstar Jewish
quarterback to deliver the pass over story. But my guess
is a superstar Jewish quarterback is around the same likelihood
as Elijah showing up.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
But let's at least compete with the.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
Make believe Easter bunny ladies and gentlemen. I give you
passover Pete the guitar playing pizza eating lion. What hey, kids, Hey, kids,
have your passover pizza?
Speaker 9 (08:09):
Why?
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Now, I know technically you're not allowed to eat pizza
during passion, But technically lions don't play guitars, and quite frankly,
monies don't deliver eggs. So let's just say we should
spend a little display when the kids turned thirteen with
tell the real story.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
So Jews, we got to step it up a bit.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
If you'll excuse me, I'll be playing the latest title
in my hot new Jewish video game, Passover Line red
See Redemption, Go Wandering. It's a first person exodusr where
kids can experience all the excitement of being lost in
the desert for forty years?
Speaker 1 (08:52):
What should do?
Speaker 10 (08:55):
Right?
Speaker 7 (08:55):
Money, ask for direction? Man, you know where you're going again?
Speaker 1 (09:03):
Only thirty eight more years to go. We'll be right back.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
President Bush and his wife Laura were able to escape
their political problems. Yesterday, at the White House's traditional Easter celebration,
complete with adorable kids, fun egg related games, and my God,
behind you in the rabbits look out, look.
Speaker 11 (09:27):
Out for the rat.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Oh I thought those were giant killer bunnies.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
The first Lady kicked off the festivities in Washington.
Speaker 10 (09:39):
We know that spring has arrived when the White House
lawn is filled with children for the Easter egg.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Hunt, and summer in Washington is heralded by the vile, sulfurous.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Stench of the unfound eggs.
Speaker 7 (09:56):
Fall.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Fall, of course, brings the low gusts, the terrible, terrible locusts,
which give way to the icy death grip of winter.
Speaker 7 (10:12):
Mantis on.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Her remarks were interesting, but not as interesting as what
the bunny was saying behind her.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
I think we also have that audio in Washington.
Speaker 7 (10:21):
We know that spring is a ride. Wrap it up, lady,
it's not as hell.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
And this thing and I got to open a chuck
e cheese in a half hour.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Oh so, and an innocent, an innocent ritual, a blessed
respite from politics or not. This year, an organized group
of gay and lesbian parents lined up early for tickets
because the event is traditionally.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
First come, first served, but not so this year.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
Only VIPs and Katrina victims were allowed in. During the
morning session that the President was at, the gay and
lesbian families were greeted by a different group. These fine
Christian soldiers who enjoyed a traditional Easter gay yell that
ain't right.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Ain't okay to be gay?
Speaker 2 (11:07):
Okay, how about that isn't right. It isn't okay to
be I'm sorry, I'm a stickler for grammatically correct hate.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Now.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
White House correspondent Samantha Bee attended the Easter egg roll.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
She joins us.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Now, Samantha, I get that the president considers himself a
social conservative, but he meets with the children of Katrina
victims and says he just couldn't be there for the
(11:45):
gay families.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
He couldn't have met with them. Well, why is that?
Speaker 10 (11:48):
Well he wanted to John, I mean, there's nothing he
would have liked more than meeting with these gay parents
in there soon to be gay children. But Katrina victims
get priority. It's only fit he did help ruin their lives.
The least he and Laura could do is let them
keep the commemorative T shirts than you this is so
(12:09):
much better than having a home.
Speaker 12 (12:14):
Sam.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
The Katrina issue aside.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
It seems like to an outside observer that the president
purposely didn't meet with the gay families and denied them
entrance while he was there and only let them come
in after he left.
Speaker 10 (12:29):
Well, look, John, I mean there is a sense in
many parts of this country that the Easter egg hunt is.
Speaker 7 (12:33):
A sacred institution and should.
Speaker 10 (12:35):
Be defined by one mother, one father, a kid, and
a spoon.
Speaker 7 (12:40):
Bible.
Speaker 10 (12:41):
Bible is very clear in this John, in the Garden
of Eden, the Lord hid eggs for Adam and Eve,
not Adam and Steve.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Sam. The Garden of Eden is the Genesis story.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
Easter and Jesus Resurrection is the New Testament.
Speaker 7 (12:58):
Okay, you're splitting hairs.
Speaker 10 (12:59):
John points, God doesn't want gays finding eggs. I don't
know how many more ways he can say it.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Sam, I don't think that God did say that.
Speaker 10 (13:11):
Okay, Well, it's a slippery slope. John. Once you let
gaze into the Easter egg hunt, they'll want to be
there for the Turkey pardoning, and they'll be at the
White House Manora lighting. And do you really want to
live in a country where gays get in to see
that thing they do for the Jews around Christmas. Frankly,
I'd rather be dead, Sam, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
I really think you're taking this a little too far.
Speaker 10 (13:30):
Okay, let me make it simple, John, For one hundred
and thirty years, children in frilly dresses have bent over
to push pastel colored eggs with dainty spoons across an
impeccably manicured lawn. Be ashamed to see that tradition be gade, John.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
Thank you very much, Samantha. Samantha B. We'll be right back.
Speaker 11 (13:55):
Happy Pasova and Happy Easter everybody.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Yeah, I hope you enjoyed it.
Speaker 7 (14:00):
Did you have a good one? Did you enjoy it?
Speaker 11 (14:01):
Yeah, spend some time with the family. Easter is one
of my favorite holidays because I gotta get to chew
with the family.
Speaker 9 (14:06):
We get to eat.
Speaker 11 (14:06):
You know, remember how Jesus died for our sins and
then came back as a giant rabbit who lays chocolate eggs.
I haven't been to church in a while anyway, Happy
East everyone, Let's catch up on today's headlines. Easter. It's
an important holiday for any devout Christian and also for
President Trump, who celebrates it today at the annual White
(14:29):
House Easter Egg roll.
Speaker 5 (14:31):
President Trump standing by at sixteen hundred Pennsylvania for that
Easter egg role. At this moment, they're singing the national
anthem President Trump, flanked by the First Lady and the
Easter Bunny himself or herself.
Speaker 11 (14:45):
Perhaps, Oh, I don't another anchor said himself or herself. Perhaps, Yeah,
I still can't confirm if this mythical creature has a
vagina or not.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
Not that sex is defined by genitorium.
Speaker 11 (14:56):
More on that at the top of the hour. Honestly, like,
this is one of those moments where I'm like, American
traditions never quite make sense to me, Like we're all
just supposed to pretend that ridiculous creature belongs at the
White House standing next to the Easter Bunny.
Speaker 12 (15:12):
I mean, sorry, I couldn't help it.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
I couldn't help it.
Speaker 13 (15:16):
I couldn't help it.
Speaker 11 (15:21):
Also, Americans sing the national anthem at the strangest times.
Speaker 14 (15:24):
Like I get it at sports, I get it completely,
But standing next to the Easter Bunny, that's where you're like,
we need to honor this moment with a meaningful display
of patriotism.
Speaker 11 (15:34):
Bunny, put your hilarious giant club over your heart.
Speaker 4 (15:40):
This past Sunday was Easter at the White House, which
is an important holiday for President Joe Biden, who is
also counting on a resurrection for his campaign. But unfortunately
this year, the timing of Easter caused a bit of
a headache for Joe.
Speaker 12 (15:55):
The Biden administration is firing back at conservative criticism over
the White House acknowledgment of the Transgender Day of Visibility,
which coincidentally falls on Easter Sunday this year.
Speaker 7 (16:08):
The two days only coincided by chance.
Speaker 10 (16:11):
The Day of Visibility is held every year on March
thirty first, while the date for Easter changes year to year.
Speaker 4 (16:18):
Yes, by total coincidence, Transvisibility Day happened to fall on
Easter this year, which seemed like, I don't know a
good fit to me. I mean, Jesus did identify as
the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Speaker 7 (16:31):
Live your truth, Queen. Now, you wouldn't think.
Speaker 4 (16:38):
That Easter falling on a holiday that's been on March
thirty first for fifteen years would be that big of
a deal. But conservatives process this like a child meeting
the Easter bunny by losing their minds.
Speaker 7 (16:51):
I think everyone should be insulted by this. The intentional
nature of this to me is I mean, I'm just
going to say it.
Speaker 9 (16:59):
I think it's a demonic.
Speaker 10 (17:00):
They clearly want us to bow at the altar of
the trans community instead of bow to God.
Speaker 7 (17:04):
We can't have one day for Easter.
Speaker 15 (17:06):
What the hell was Biden thinking when he declared Easter
Sunday to be Transvisibility Day. Such total disrespect to Christians.
And November fifth is going.
Speaker 6 (17:22):
To be called something else.
Speaker 15 (17:23):
You know, it's going to be called Christian Visibility Day
when Christians turn out at numbers that nobody has ever
seen before.
Speaker 4 (17:35):
This is America, buddy, Every day is Christian visibility there.
Speaker 7 (17:45):
Yeah, Conservatives threw.
Speaker 4 (17:46):
A hissy fit over this, including Donald Trump, who, by
the way, is not exactly an authority on Christianity.
Speaker 8 (17:53):
I'm wondering what one or two of your most favored
Bible verses are.
Speaker 15 (17:58):
I wouldn't want to get into it because to me,
that's very personal.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
You don't want to talk about the Bible.
Speaker 7 (18:02):
It's very personal, So I don't.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Want to get into I don't want to get into.
Speaker 7 (18:06):
Means a lot to you that you think about her
site the.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Bible means a lot to me.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
But I don't want to get into specifics. The Old
Testament guy, or do Testament probably equal?
Speaker 4 (18:18):
Trump talks about Christianity the way I sounded every book club.
Oh my favorite part of the book.
Speaker 7 (18:24):
I'd have to.
Speaker 4 (18:24):
Say the title and the symbolism, all the symbols. Definitely
not hiding for my husband and children. I also love
that he says I can't talk about it, it's too personal.
Like he also has an nda with the Bible. Don't
(18:44):
believe that horse faced Bible. But that's my Trump impression.
Speaker 7 (18:50):
Thank you. I'll work chop it op it.
Speaker 4 (18:57):
Trump beside, I have a question for the actual religious conservatives,
why are you so upset about this transvisibility Day had
no effect on your Easter? Nobody was at church, like, well,
we were going to celebrate the resurrection, but instead everyone
line up for your gender reassignment surgery. Please leave your
(19:22):
penis in the collection basket. The anger just seems so contrived,
especially when the people who were the most outraged knew
so little about the actual holiday they were protecting, and.
Speaker 16 (19:39):
The transgender community purposely chooses the day of Jesus's death.
There is resurrection whatever Easter weekend, Yeah.
Speaker 7 (19:53):
You know Easter.
Speaker 4 (19:54):
It was Jesus' King Senia or the day he was
forced to leave the Big brother House.
Speaker 7 (20:00):
Whatever.
Speaker 4 (20:01):
But I'll ask him about it the next time I
go to the You know what's the place with all
the lowercase teas.
Speaker 7 (20:07):
Hanging on the wall that sent half makeing at church,
Church that fit church?
Speaker 4 (20:13):
And you know what, the Fox audience deserves a higher
level of con artistry.
Speaker 7 (20:17):
Than this, Jesse Waters.
Speaker 4 (20:20):
If you can remember the Green Eminem's entire sexual history,
you can Wikipedia what Easter is. Look, I'm not here
to pick a fight with Easter. Easter's great, probably our
best holiday, featuring a bunny who crawled out of a nightmare.
But the level of outrage over this is totally out
(20:41):
of proportion to what ultimately was an innocuous scheduling conflict.
I just I wish I knew the real reason they
were upset. Luckily they left us some Easter eggs.
Speaker 17 (20:52):
It's absurd and Joe Biden should be ashamed of himself.
And all these people say, yeah, but this is the
day we've always recognized and gender visibility Day, Well recognize
it another day, not on Easter Sunday. It's an affront
to the Bible and quite Frankly, it's an affront to biology.
There are two genders. People can't just go in and
out of one like a revolving door. It's not normal.
Speaker 7 (21:16):
Ah, there it is.
Speaker 4 (21:19):
Thank you least interesting man in the world for saying
the quiet part out loud. They don't think Transgender Visibility
Day should be moved. They think trans people shouldn't be
visible at all. Trans Day of Visibility could have been
on National Pastaday and they'd be like, this is an.
Speaker 7 (21:37):
Affront to Feticini.
Speaker 4 (21:41):
And for what it's worth, there's a false premise at
the heart of this entire controversy, which is that there's
even a conflict between trans people and Christianity to begin with,
there isn't. In fact, the Bible doesn't say anything about
trans people. It does, however, say to love thy neighbor
and to not judge other people, and perhaps the most
famous of Bible versus, please do not sell me for
(22:04):
fifty nine to ninety nine.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
You came off your label, I know.
Speaker 4 (22:14):
For more on the controversy, we go Live to the
White House with Michael Costa. Michael, you were at the
White House Easter egg hunt on Monday.
Speaker 7 (22:26):
What did you find?
Speaker 9 (22:28):
Well, I'll tell you what I found, Desie a ton
of Easter eggs.
Speaker 7 (22:31):
Okay, it turns out you didn't even have to hunt
for him.
Speaker 9 (22:34):
You just wait for the kids to find them and
you take them out of their baskets. It's it's like
taking candy from a baby.
Speaker 7 (22:44):
Congratulations.
Speaker 4 (22:46):
I mean more about Easter being pitted against Transvisibility Day.
It seems like all this controversy ruined the day for
the trans community.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Are you kidding?
Speaker 9 (22:55):
This was the most successful transvisibility day in history. Fox
News trans Awareness for five hundred straight hours.
Speaker 6 (23:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 9 (23:07):
And the best part is we'll get another round in
a few weeks when Greek Orthodox Easter goes up against
Greek Orthodox Transvisibility Day.
Speaker 4 (23:17):
Okay, but then I don't think transgender the transgender community
wanted this kind of attention.
Speaker 9 (23:23):
Well, look, I can't speak on behalf of the trans community.
They've specifically asked me to stop doing that, But it
seems to me that anyway a holiday can break through
the noise, the better. There's just too many important days
to remember. Easter, Memorial Day, Arbor Day, my kid's birthday,
which is like every year. Supposedly, it's too much, and
(23:44):
there's way there's no way to keep track of all
these important days. You know, what doesny They need to
invent like a spreadsheet, but for days, like a calendar
one of those things you drain pasta with. That'll never work.
Speaker 4 (24:00):
Okay, But what about conservatives who say this was an
attack on Easter?
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Does he? This was good for both holidays?
Speaker 9 (24:07):
What was the last time you saw people this fired
up about Easter aka shitty Christmas? But now, thanks to
this controversy, everyone and I mean everyone except for Jesse
Waters knows what Easter is really about.
Speaker 4 (24:21):
Okay, So you're saying that the clash of the two
holidays forced everyone to appreciate the true meaning of each holiday.
Speaker 7 (24:27):
Exactly.
Speaker 9 (24:28):
The lesson we learned this week is that Americans appreciate
holidays more when they're outraged, which is why I believe
we need to pit more holidays against each other. Let's
put Valentine's Day on the fourth of July. Let's move
nine to eleven to Halloween. Let's move Mother's Day up
against Juneteenth. Do you love your mom or do you
(24:51):
hate slavery? You gotta choose, does he?
Speaker 7 (24:55):
Michael?
Speaker 2 (24:55):
That is.
Speaker 5 (24:58):
The tough choice.
Speaker 7 (25:03):
That is incredibly offensive.
Speaker 9 (25:05):
You see, it's already working.
Speaker 7 (25:08):
Thank you, Michael. Michael costs everywhere.
Speaker 13 (25:11):
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Speaker 7 (25:24):
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