April 19, 2025 • 24 mins
Leap into the squared circle with The Daily Show's fake news coverage of the world's realest sport.
Jon Stewart unpacks the WWE hitting the stock market with help from Stephen Colbert, and reports on the 2008 presidential candidates dropping in to campaign on Monday Night Raw. Wyatt Cenac tags in wrestler Mick Foley to help explain political strategy. Ronny Chieng jumps in the ring to take on The Progressive Liberal. And Mick Foley joins John Oliver to tackle immigration.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Wall Street gets a kick in the nasdacs. The World
Wrestling Federation is going public on the New York Stock Exchange,
hoping to body slam the market, pile drive its competitors,
and put a sleeper hold on investors. In a story
that can only be described as full of dumb metaphors
to welcome the WWF to the big board, Today's trading
session ended with stone cold Steve Austin slamming Alan Greenspan's
(00:31):
head into the closing bow.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Now Daily Show.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Chief financial correspondent Stephen Colbert has been following this story
very closely. We go now live to Wall Street for
a report. Steven DUP's the advance word on the trading
floor for the wrestling public.
Speaker 4 (00:46):
Offering well, John, the WWF IPO is creating quite a buzz.
Investors are looking for product, branding and long term growth.
Speaker 5 (00:56):
You want, Morghie, I will kick your short term bind
so far up you with holdings.
Speaker 3 (01:02):
You're gonna be picking Fanny Maids out of your ass
for a week.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
David, Wait, Steven, what is is everything okay?
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Down there?
Speaker 1 (01:14):
It's nothing, John.
Speaker 4 (01:15):
Some of the Morgan Stanley foreign debt guys are uh,
they're trash talking.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Has this wrestling IPO really changed the mood down there.
Speaker 4 (01:24):
On the floor, Well, there's a sense of increased optimism,
but that could be attributed to the fed's restraint on
interest rates.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Steve and I, I don't mean to interrupt.
Speaker 6 (01:36):
Who who is that?
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (01:39):
He goes by the name of the underwriter. You don't
want a piece of that, June.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
I can't. This is shocking. It seems the floor has
really gotten caught up in the spirit of this IPO.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
You you want to know why the yen is down,
yamamodo because you panny waste can't handle a gold back currency.
Never got the kneeky.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
It's for old ladies and bad winners. Oh oh nun.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
Chucked right, Stavid Is did I just hear the closing bell? No?
Speaker 3 (02:17):
John, it's the opening sounds of what pass season.
Speaker 7 (02:22):
Come on you you you.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
Will taste the sweet dish of my wrath.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Thank you very much.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Stephen Colbert on the floor of the wall Treet Trading Firm.
Speaker 8 (02:42):
Something.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
You may watch a program last night. You know that
Barack Obama was our guest on the program. He was
not actually here in the studio. The good news. Of course,
hope can be transmitted via satellite now just flies through
the air. We've actually had now all the presidential candidates
on our show, the three that are remain, and I
would like to think that appearing on this program is
(03:03):
as low as they're going to go to pander for votes.
I would like to think that we truly are the
bottom of their barrel, or even not even not just
whatever it is that grows under the bottom of barrels,
that would be us, That would be my hope for them,
for our country. But last night, I go home after
(03:26):
the show, as I usually do on a Monday night,
I put my feet and snaps and salts, light a
cinnamon candle, and I turn on my WWE raw and
I see this.
Speaker 9 (03:35):
On the eve of the Pennsylvania primary, all three presidential
candidates will be specifically addressing you. Are WWE fans right
here tonight, let's get readiness dub.
Speaker 7 (03:54):
I'm Hillary Clinton, but tonight, in honor of the WWE,
you can call me hill Rod.
Speaker 10 (04:17):
No, I've got one question. Do you smell what Baraka
is cooking?
Speaker 2 (04:29):
No? Of course, Senator McCain, he's got the nomination sewn
up He's not gonna have to pepper his message with
embarrassing wrestling affectation. What she gonna do when John McCain
and all his mccani acts run wild on you? Generally,
(04:51):
when mccainiacs run wild on me, I rubbed some lotrum
in on it. Why do the candidates humiliate themselves in
cable backwaters like ww E RAW and The Daily Show
(05:11):
because they're running for president and the chance to humiliate
themselves on a network.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
I'd rather be on Deal or.
Speaker 6 (05:19):
No deal with Ether Night.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
Come to think of it, I'm thrilled.
Speaker 6 (05:21):
To be anywhere with high ratings these days.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
He's incredibly unpopular for more. Return to Daily Show, Senior
political analyst, Whyat's and Aack in Washington? Wyatt, you know
I'm about done, I gotta tell you. As you scroll
down through all these scandals, it's hard to imagine that
any of these people believe in anything. Their ethics are
(05:53):
purely situational. Or perhaps they're brain damage to have no
short term memories.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
I don't know, John, here's your problem. You think politicians
want to win their arguments when all they really want
to do is keep having them. They know arguments are
interesting they energize voters, they keep the money flowing in.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
You're telling me that their interest is in conflict, not
in resolution.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
Yes, John, do you watch professional wrestling? Yes, so then
you know that right now Sean Michaels is angry at
the Undertaker rightfully, so, yeah, but they're gonna settle it
in the squared circle, so it will be done well
unless something were to happen to keep the fight going.
Speaker 6 (06:41):
I get it.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
They have to keep the conflict going. But at least
in wrestling, we know the good guys and the bad guys.
Shawn Michaels is a good guy. Undertaker is a bad guy.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Until the swerve when they switch. It keeps the audience
interested and the money again keeps flowing.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
You're saying that congressional leaders flip on issues to keep
conflict going and keep the money flowing, keep their bases interested.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
John, congress people are in office for like eighty or
ninety years. You can't just expect them to do the
same character that whole time. It gets boring.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
So you're saying, like Harry Reid's flip flop on whether
he would like to amend the filibuster is just a
pro wrestling move as nuts. That's nuts?
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Why really? Okay, Look, John, I didn't want to have
to do this. Mick what who? I brought in Daily
(07:44):
Show senior ass kicker Mick Foley to show how easy
it is for a politician to work both sides of
the filibuster. Foley, save the filibuster, America.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
Today is your lucky day.
Speaker 5 (08:00):
The evil majorities think they can shut me up, that
I'll give.
Speaker 7 (08:05):
Up, But today one man can make a difference.
Speaker 5 (08:10):
I'm gonna step in that ring all alone, and they
can come at me.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
With chairs with bats, with chairs made of bats.
Speaker 5 (08:21):
But none of that matters as long as I have
my one special move.
Speaker 7 (08:26):
The filibuster.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Al persuasive argument there, persuasive patriotic arguments.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
For the philibuster. I know it's good now right now,
check this out. Watch the swerve, Mick Foley, destroy the filibuster.
Speaker 11 (08:55):
O your little.
Speaker 7 (08:57):
Piss and pencil neck geeks think a filibuster can stop
the will of the people, Well, I got two words
for you.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
Reconcile this.
Speaker 7 (09:12):
It's time for one man, one vote, one feet down.
You are a get wind bags think you can obstruct progress.
Well you might love the sound of your own little voice.
But the only thing you're gonna hear tonight is my
fist down your throat.
Speaker 10 (09:33):
Whoa, whoa, yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Yeah, John, did you hear that?
Speaker 7 (09:38):
Did you hear his test?
Speaker 12 (09:45):
Have I heard of us?
Speaker 2 (09:47):
So both sides can take a position.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
But isn't that what the news media.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Is for, to provide context, break through the posturing, and
create a little clarity.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
Context, John, No, the news guys they're more like the manager,
the color guys. They got their own take on the
filibuster toy.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
So what you're saying is is the whole thing is fake.
The whole thing is fake, like professional wrestling. Is that
what you're saying?
Speaker 3 (10:15):
What did you say?
Speaker 7 (10:15):
John?
Speaker 5 (10:16):
I said, just.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
Look stark what this used to be my ear? No,
who's whipped up the side of my head? I want
to I want to tell you to talk. I want
you want to picture men? Got him?
Speaker 13 (10:39):
Well, be right.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
Back, got him?
Speaker 14 (10:48):
As we've seen, as we've seen recently, it's kids, not
politicians who seem to be pushing political change. In fact,
most politicians can't even manage to get their own messages
out there, and that's especially true for the Democrats. But
luckily we might have found a way to help the
Dems out. Ronnie Chang reports.
Speaker 10 (11:07):
Democrats might know how to rally their banks, but when
they reach out to Middle America, they say things like.
Speaker 15 (11:13):
For working families to get a share of that prosperity
that they're creating, we need some serious enforcement of competition laws.
Speaker 10 (11:23):
You're boring single payer, single payer, single It's like you
don't even care about what you're saying.
Speaker 3 (11:31):
Can you hear me now?
Speaker 1 (11:32):
It's no, it's not.
Speaker 10 (11:35):
And it's no surprise. Last election, people in swing states
went for a guy who said things like.
Speaker 5 (11:40):
Who's gonna pay for the law? Like to punch him
in the face, I'll tell you.
Speaker 13 (11:46):
Trump honed his trade mount oratorical style where else in
professional wrestling, and if Democrats were gonna fight back, they
needed someone who could go head ahead with a WWE
Hall of Famer like Trump.
Speaker 10 (11:59):
And in the out of cold country we found him.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
Hudger, ignorant mouse, has a progressive liberal have something to say?
Speaker 10 (12:08):
Finally a Democrat who doesn't make me want to change
the channel. Dan Richards has been making headlines wrestling as
the progressive liberal and rolling up small town audiences all
over Trump Country.
Speaker 14 (12:21):
I should have done this alone.
Speaker 10 (12:27):
How hot is it to pretend to have these liberal values?
Speaker 8 (12:30):
Oh I'm not pretending.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Shut up.
Speaker 10 (12:35):
But even if the crowd hates him, the progressive liberal
could teach swing state democrats some classic wrestling techniques for
getting voters attention?
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Do you want to stick to broad brushstro talking points?
Speaker 10 (12:47):
Right? So, Middle America would rather learn about politics through
a mostly naked man than by reading a book. Yeah,
but Dan assured me that besides wearing shirts, politicians and
wrestlers had one key difference.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
People in politics will say anything to get elected, whereas
a good wrestler, they're only gonna say things that they
truly believe in.
Speaker 10 (13:09):
So what you're saying is that the level of political
discourse in wrestling is actually higher than in politics. Oh yeah,
but with Congress immobilized bipartisan politics, what advice did the
progressive liberal have for Democrats. Let's say you're Chuck Schumer
and Mick McConnell puts you in a headlock. What do
you do?
Speaker 4 (13:29):
I would reverse it into a top wrist lock.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Now would stomp on his elbow, breaking his.
Speaker 10 (13:36):
Wrist, and then the issue would be resolved without a doubt.
The progressive liberal had some great ideas for updating democrats messaging,
But could you take on the heavyweight champion of White House.
Unfortunately he was busy golfing, so we cast someone else
to approximate Trump's rhetorical style.
Speaker 16 (13:57):
Shop. Yeahs is it just me always getting cold in here?
Because that's because there's a snowflake in the ring.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Snow Flake? What pandering?
Speaker 10 (14:14):
I'm not pandering one of them. My pandering was working
time to take this to the next level. Do you
know what this man wants?
Speaker 16 (14:21):
Let me guess what you want to do with the
guns in this country. Just let me guess you want
to take them away.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
I don't want to take away guns.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
I'm just four really strict background checks.
Speaker 10 (14:36):
Okay, that wasn't too hot to understand and the audience
was into it.
Speaker 16 (14:40):
Okay, fine, whatever about guns. Let me guess what you
want to do about marijuana.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
I think what people want to do behind closed doors
should be their business.
Speaker 7 (14:51):
I tell you though, that is.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
My position as the progressive liberal looks.
Speaker 10 (14:56):
Like broadbrush talking points look especially that marijuana one Democrats.
So maybe let wrestlers craft slogans for your next campaign,
like lock guns up, or make America Great US, or
just for twenty for twenty twenty. Let's face it, what
really turns on spring steak crowds isn't words, it's action.
(15:17):
I don't care about your positions because you such then
all America wants a strong hero who won't back down from
a fight. So Democrats, if you want to beat a
wrestler president, keep it simple and go on the offensive.
Speaker 7 (15:31):
Sake now, pow sag now, pout sech.
Speaker 10 (15:36):
Welcome to the future of American politics.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
So immigration, clearly a dominance issue in the country right now,
is being discussed everywhere. And I do mean everywhere.
Speaker 12 (15:54):
I am speaking to you from within our country that
is under siege every day. We have bigners flooding our country,
sneaking across our border, black rats in the streets.
Speaker 3 (16:10):
Hey, hey, I'm one of those rats. And I'll have
you know I crossed the ocean on a very comfortable
Virgin Atlantic flight the time flew by. So get your
facts straight. So even the WWE currently has a storyline
around the immigration debate, and to give them credit, they
actually had a good discussion about the ambivalence and hypocrisy
(16:34):
at the heart of our policies.
Speaker 8 (16:36):
Difficult comes out here.
Speaker 9 (16:37):
He freams about how Jack Swagger is the real American
here from other countries shouldn't come in here, which they
shouldn't take our Chidio crows for another country.
Speaker 7 (16:45):
Yes, and he's a head.
Speaker 10 (16:47):
A quolitude of other countries.
Speaker 8 (16:48):
He has a problem for people call the other countries
will come here the.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Wrong way, the wrong way.
Speaker 9 (16:53):
He's changing his argument today to bring you this guy.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Antonio Cesarrow. He said it, prey, what.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Beautiful dream of television is this? Not only was that
technically more articulate a debate than anything we've heard in Congress,
but it came with half naked men fighting. It's like
c Span with elbow drops. Please give me more.
Speaker 8 (17:20):
Was even mad that John Oliver's to John Stewart ex
comedient thinking over the Daily Show for a couple of months, with.
Speaker 3 (17:32):
What is happening?
Speaker 13 (17:35):
What you're mad at me?
Speaker 16 (17:40):
You're mad at me?
Speaker 3 (17:41):
Oh now this is personal. I know how pro wrestling works.
You trash talk about me. I've got a trash talk
right back at you. So come on, said, if that
is your real faith name, let's do this.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Let's do this thing.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
Yeah yeah, yeah, I am here. I'm here to represent
for all immigrants. Give me some fireback there. Yes, yes,
And let me say, if Zeb wants to go after
immigrant rats, he better be prepared to get to get
(18:24):
nord one because we got teeth. I may not quite
have the muscle mass for this. I might need a
little help, Mick Mix, do you mind helping me?
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (18:44):
Yeah, yeah, yes, oh yes, huh yeh I got this, Okay,
take it, take it.
Speaker 5 (18:55):
Hey, you got a problem with immigrants, now you've got
a problem with me.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
Those you've done poke the bear sun.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
Zeb.
Speaker 5 (19:10):
If you don't like immigrants coming here and taking our jobs,
why don't get you get your ass out of the
ring and pick vegetables fourteen hours a day for fifty
cents an How exactly your points?
Speaker 3 (19:23):
Oh hals V would you rather the strawberries and your
protein shite costs seventy five bucks? Because that's is the
economic reality of the situation. It's complicated.
Speaker 5 (19:35):
Complicate your point, immigrants to our toughest, dirtiest jobs.
Speaker 8 (19:39):
Do you have what it takes.
Speaker 5 (19:41):
The gall the stones to step into a basic cable
talk shows host chair.
Speaker 8 (19:47):
If your boss goes away from the summer, I don't
think you do.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
I don't think you've done it.
Speaker 17 (20:02):
I do it.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
I'll do it.
Speaker 5 (20:06):
Even though John Stewart is a TV icon who's hard
won legacy, Oliver is pissing away for an audience watching
head of Nothing but have it. No, that is not no,
no, no learning for the real John's return and step.
Speaker 3 (20:19):
Let's get back. Let's get back on point. Make let's
get back on points.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Let's go.
Speaker 9 (20:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (20:23):
So the next guy who tries to talk smack about
immigrants is going to have us to deal with exactly you.
Speaker 3 (20:32):
You tell me to speak English, You speak English.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
You do it.
Speaker 5 (20:40):
While immigrants are taking the path the citizenship, you'll be
crawling down the path.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
To the emergency road.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
Yes, the own.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
You will only need one document. There a prescription for morphine.
That's a pain, kill another.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
So you come here next week.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
You come here next week. We will take these chas,
these cold steel chairs, and we will unfold them, unfold them,
Yes we will, and we will sit down and we
will discuss the complexities of immigration reform with you.
Speaker 7 (21:21):
We will do this.
Speaker 5 (21:29):
It's such it because immigrants built this country and helped
weave it into the vibrant tapestry we call the American dreams.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
So if you think you can bully the dreamers. We'll
make your life a nightmare.
Speaker 5 (21:43):
We will crush you with charts and graphs showing the
net economic benefit of an inclusive policy that embraces the tired,
the poor, baudo masses searching.
Speaker 16 (21:57):
Suching to the.
Speaker 7 (22:00):
Birth in a life.
Speaker 3 (22:01):
So if you, Zeph have the gump to debates, will
be here anytime you come.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Down here next week.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
And you say it to my face.
Speaker 7 (22:11):
I'm not gonna be here next week.
Speaker 5 (22:13):
I'm producing a documentar ayund Santa Claus.
Speaker 3 (22:16):
That actually sounds interesting, in which case you should come
back in septemer But joke still in the host I'm
taking up with hand up points. How about him said.
Speaker 17 (22:28):
The load?
Speaker 2 (22:41):
All right, everybody, that is our show here, it is
your moment is in officials in India want to set
the record straight.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
Stuart.
Speaker 11 (22:51):
Hey, Stuart, look, I've heard every single thing that you've
been saying about me. I hope, my friend, that you
are prepared for a world of hurt.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
WWE superstar and poster boy for the authority seth rollins.
How did you interrupt my moment?
Speaker 11 (23:09):
Is that?
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Oh?
Speaker 11 (23:09):
Please please, Stuart. You know me better than that. I
can do anything I want. I am all powerful.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
Settle down, obi wan, you're not all powerful.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
Mind your manners. You know, I've got a little wrestling
in my.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Background as well.
Speaker 7 (23:23):
I've all my friend.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
I'll put you in a half nelson.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
Maybe a little giggity gas, little giggity gab as the thing.
Maybe a little flick black, a little flip black behind me.
He's right behind me?
Speaker 8 (23:32):
In me?
Speaker 7 (23:33):
Is he right behind me?
Speaker 15 (23:34):
Is he real?
Speaker 11 (23:36):
Real tough talks?
Speaker 7 (23:37):
Stuart?
Speaker 11 (23:38):
Why don't you shut your mouth and bring it?
Speaker 2 (23:41):
Pal Let me just say this, A little beard conditioner
would go a.
Speaker 11 (23:45):
Long way towards me.
Speaker 7 (23:47):
And let me tell you this rollins.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
I will bring it.
Speaker 17 (23:51):
Although unfortunately I don't have it with me right now,
so I will perhaps look for it and meet you
somewhere at a later day like a gentleman.
Speaker 11 (24:02):
Well you know what, Well, it's funny you would mentioned
that because I actually came here to give you an invitation. Really, yes,
how about you show up this Monday night, on Monday
night raw at New York at the Prudentials.
Speaker 17 (24:16):
Now you got the gut, Stewart, I have more.
Speaker 3 (24:18):
Than the God Jesus. I think I just pulled.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
Something when I turned on there, But I do have
the guts and I, Oh, you're taller than I thought.
Speaker 5 (24:25):
On that on the television, it.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
Looks like he's all right. Well, seth rows everybody. We'll
be back next week unless I get crushed on the.
Speaker 12 (24:37):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven.
Speaker 9 (24:45):
Ten Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime
on Paramount
Speaker 6 (24:49):
Plus Paramount Podcasts
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Wall Street gets a kick in the nasdacs. The World
Wrestling Federation is going public on the New York Stock Exchange,
hoping to body slam the market, pile drive its competitors,
and put a sleeper hold on investors. In a story
that can only be described as full of dumb metaphors
to welcome the WWF to the big board, Today's trading
session ended with stone cold Steve Austin slamming Alan Greenspan's
(00:31):
head into the closing bow.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Now Daily Show.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Chief financial correspondent Stephen Colbert has been following this story
very closely. We go now live to Wall Street for
a report. Steven DUP's the advance word on the trading
floor for the wrestling public.
Speaker 4 (00:46):
Offering well, John, the WWF IPO is creating quite a buzz.
Investors are looking for product, branding and long term growth.
Speaker 5 (00:56):
You want, Morghie, I will kick your short term bind
so far up you with holdings.
Speaker 3 (01:02):
You're gonna be picking Fanny Maids out of your ass
for a week.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
David, Wait, Steven, what is is everything okay?
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Down there?
Speaker 1 (01:14):
It's nothing, John.
Speaker 4 (01:15):
Some of the Morgan Stanley foreign debt guys are uh,
they're trash talking.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Has this wrestling IPO really changed the mood down there.
Speaker 4 (01:24):
On the floor, Well, there's a sense of increased optimism,
but that could be attributed to the fed's restraint on
interest rates.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Steve and I, I don't mean to interrupt.
Speaker 6 (01:36):
Who who is that?
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (01:39):
He goes by the name of the underwriter. You don't
want a piece of that, June.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
I can't. This is shocking. It seems the floor has
really gotten caught up in the spirit of this IPO.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
You you want to know why the yen is down,
yamamodo because you panny waste can't handle a gold back currency.
Never got the kneeky.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
It's for old ladies and bad winners. Oh oh nun.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
Chucked right, Stavid Is did I just hear the closing bell? No?
Speaker 3 (02:17):
John, it's the opening sounds of what pass season.
Speaker 7 (02:22):
Come on you you you.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
Will taste the sweet dish of my wrath.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Thank you very much.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Stephen Colbert on the floor of the wall Treet Trading Firm.
Speaker 8 (02:42):
Something.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
You may watch a program last night. You know that
Barack Obama was our guest on the program. He was
not actually here in the studio. The good news. Of course,
hope can be transmitted via satellite now just flies through
the air. We've actually had now all the presidential candidates
on our show, the three that are remain, and I
would like to think that appearing on this program is
(03:03):
as low as they're going to go to pander for votes.
I would like to think that we truly are the
bottom of their barrel, or even not even not just
whatever it is that grows under the bottom of barrels,
that would be us, That would be my hope for them,
for our country. But last night, I go home after
(03:26):
the show, as I usually do on a Monday night,
I put my feet and snaps and salts, light a
cinnamon candle, and I turn on my WWE raw and
I see this.
Speaker 9 (03:35):
On the eve of the Pennsylvania primary, all three presidential
candidates will be specifically addressing you. Are WWE fans right
here tonight, let's get readiness dub.
Speaker 7 (03:54):
I'm Hillary Clinton, but tonight, in honor of the WWE,
you can call me hill Rod.
Speaker 10 (04:17):
No, I've got one question. Do you smell what Baraka
is cooking?
Speaker 2 (04:29):
No? Of course, Senator McCain, he's got the nomination sewn
up He's not gonna have to pepper his message with
embarrassing wrestling affectation. What she gonna do when John McCain
and all his mccani acts run wild on you? Generally,
(04:51):
when mccainiacs run wild on me, I rubbed some lotrum
in on it. Why do the candidates humiliate themselves in
cable backwaters like ww E RAW and The Daily Show
(05:11):
because they're running for president and the chance to humiliate
themselves on a network.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
I'd rather be on Deal or.
Speaker 6 (05:19):
No deal with Ether Night.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
Come to think of it, I'm thrilled.
Speaker 6 (05:21):
To be anywhere with high ratings these days.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
He's incredibly unpopular for more. Return to Daily Show, Senior
political analyst, Whyat's and Aack in Washington? Wyatt, you know
I'm about done, I gotta tell you. As you scroll
down through all these scandals, it's hard to imagine that
any of these people believe in anything. Their ethics are
(05:53):
purely situational. Or perhaps they're brain damage to have no
short term memories.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
I don't know, John, here's your problem. You think politicians
want to win their arguments when all they really want
to do is keep having them. They know arguments are
interesting they energize voters, they keep the money flowing in.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
You're telling me that their interest is in conflict, not
in resolution.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
Yes, John, do you watch professional wrestling? Yes, so then
you know that right now Sean Michaels is angry at
the Undertaker rightfully, so, yeah, but they're gonna settle it
in the squared circle, so it will be done well
unless something were to happen to keep the fight going.
Speaker 6 (06:41):
I get it.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
They have to keep the conflict going. But at least
in wrestling, we know the good guys and the bad guys.
Shawn Michaels is a good guy. Undertaker is a bad guy.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Until the swerve when they switch. It keeps the audience
interested and the money again keeps flowing.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
You're saying that congressional leaders flip on issues to keep
conflict going and keep the money flowing, keep their bases interested.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
John, congress people are in office for like eighty or
ninety years. You can't just expect them to do the
same character that whole time. It gets boring.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
So you're saying, like Harry Reid's flip flop on whether
he would like to amend the filibuster is just a
pro wrestling move as nuts. That's nuts?
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Why really? Okay, Look, John, I didn't want to have
to do this. Mick what who? I brought in Daily
(07:44):
Show senior ass kicker Mick Foley to show how easy
it is for a politician to work both sides of
the filibuster. Foley, save the filibuster, America.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
Today is your lucky day.
Speaker 5 (08:00):
The evil majorities think they can shut me up, that
I'll give.
Speaker 7 (08:05):
Up, But today one man can make a difference.
Speaker 5 (08:10):
I'm gonna step in that ring all alone, and they
can come at me.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
With chairs with bats, with chairs made of bats.
Speaker 5 (08:21):
But none of that matters as long as I have
my one special move.
Speaker 7 (08:26):
The filibuster.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Al persuasive argument there, persuasive patriotic arguments.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
For the philibuster. I know it's good now right now,
check this out. Watch the swerve, Mick Foley, destroy the filibuster.
Speaker 11 (08:55):
O your little.
Speaker 7 (08:57):
Piss and pencil neck geeks think a filibuster can stop
the will of the people, Well, I got two words
for you.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
Reconcile this.
Speaker 7 (09:12):
It's time for one man, one vote, one feet down.
You are a get wind bags think you can obstruct progress.
Well you might love the sound of your own little voice.
But the only thing you're gonna hear tonight is my
fist down your throat.
Speaker 10 (09:33):
Whoa, whoa, yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Yeah, John, did you hear that?
Speaker 7 (09:38):
Did you hear his test?
Speaker 12 (09:45):
Have I heard of us?
Speaker 2 (09:47):
So both sides can take a position.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
But isn't that what the news media.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Is for, to provide context, break through the posturing, and
create a little clarity.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
Context, John, No, the news guys they're more like the manager,
the color guys. They got their own take on the
filibuster toy.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
So what you're saying is is the whole thing is fake.
The whole thing is fake, like professional wrestling. Is that
what you're saying?
Speaker 3 (10:15):
What did you say?
Speaker 7 (10:15):
John?
Speaker 5 (10:16):
I said, just.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
Look stark what this used to be my ear? No,
who's whipped up the side of my head? I want
to I want to tell you to talk. I want
you want to picture men? Got him?
Speaker 13 (10:39):
Well, be right.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
Back, got him?
Speaker 14 (10:48):
As we've seen, as we've seen recently, it's kids, not
politicians who seem to be pushing political change. In fact,
most politicians can't even manage to get their own messages
out there, and that's especially true for the Democrats. But
luckily we might have found a way to help the
Dems out. Ronnie Chang reports.
Speaker 10 (11:07):
Democrats might know how to rally their banks, but when
they reach out to Middle America, they say things like.
Speaker 15 (11:13):
For working families to get a share of that prosperity
that they're creating, we need some serious enforcement of competition laws.
Speaker 10 (11:23):
You're boring single payer, single payer, single It's like you
don't even care about what you're saying.
Speaker 3 (11:31):
Can you hear me now?
Speaker 1 (11:32):
It's no, it's not.
Speaker 10 (11:35):
And it's no surprise. Last election, people in swing states
went for a guy who said things like.
Speaker 5 (11:40):
Who's gonna pay for the law? Like to punch him
in the face, I'll tell you.
Speaker 13 (11:46):
Trump honed his trade mount oratorical style where else in
professional wrestling, and if Democrats were gonna fight back, they
needed someone who could go head ahead with a WWE
Hall of Famer like Trump.
Speaker 10 (11:59):
And in the out of cold country we found him.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
Hudger, ignorant mouse, has a progressive liberal have something to say?
Speaker 10 (12:08):
Finally a Democrat who doesn't make me want to change
the channel. Dan Richards has been making headlines wrestling as
the progressive liberal and rolling up small town audiences all
over Trump Country.
Speaker 14 (12:21):
I should have done this alone.
Speaker 10 (12:27):
How hot is it to pretend to have these liberal values?
Speaker 8 (12:30):
Oh I'm not pretending.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Shut up.
Speaker 10 (12:35):
But even if the crowd hates him, the progressive liberal
could teach swing state democrats some classic wrestling techniques for
getting voters attention?
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Do you want to stick to broad brushstro talking points?
Speaker 10 (12:47):
Right? So, Middle America would rather learn about politics through
a mostly naked man than by reading a book. Yeah,
but Dan assured me that besides wearing shirts, politicians and
wrestlers had one key difference.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
People in politics will say anything to get elected, whereas
a good wrestler, they're only gonna say things that they
truly believe in.
Speaker 10 (13:09):
So what you're saying is that the level of political
discourse in wrestling is actually higher than in politics. Oh yeah,
but with Congress immobilized bipartisan politics, what advice did the
progressive liberal have for Democrats. Let's say you're Chuck Schumer
and Mick McConnell puts you in a headlock. What do
you do?
Speaker 4 (13:29):
I would reverse it into a top wrist lock.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Now would stomp on his elbow, breaking his.
Speaker 10 (13:36):
Wrist, and then the issue would be resolved without a doubt.
The progressive liberal had some great ideas for updating democrats messaging,
But could you take on the heavyweight champion of White House.
Unfortunately he was busy golfing, so we cast someone else
to approximate Trump's rhetorical style.
Speaker 16 (13:57):
Shop. Yeahs is it just me always getting cold in here?
Because that's because there's a snowflake in the ring.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Snow Flake? What pandering?
Speaker 10 (14:14):
I'm not pandering one of them. My pandering was working
time to take this to the next level. Do you
know what this man wants?
Speaker 16 (14:21):
Let me guess what you want to do with the
guns in this country. Just let me guess you want
to take them away.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
I don't want to take away guns.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
I'm just four really strict background checks.
Speaker 10 (14:36):
Okay, that wasn't too hot to understand and the audience
was into it.
Speaker 16 (14:40):
Okay, fine, whatever about guns. Let me guess what you
want to do about marijuana.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
I think what people want to do behind closed doors
should be their business.
Speaker 7 (14:51):
I tell you though, that is.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
My position as the progressive liberal looks.
Speaker 10 (14:56):
Like broadbrush talking points look especially that marijuana one Democrats.
So maybe let wrestlers craft slogans for your next campaign,
like lock guns up, or make America Great US, or
just for twenty for twenty twenty. Let's face it, what
really turns on spring steak crowds isn't words, it's action.
(15:17):
I don't care about your positions because you such then
all America wants a strong hero who won't back down from
a fight. So Democrats, if you want to beat a
wrestler president, keep it simple and go on the offensive.
Speaker 7 (15:31):
Sake now, pow sag now, pout sech.
Speaker 10 (15:36):
Welcome to the future of American politics.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
So immigration, clearly a dominance issue in the country right now,
is being discussed everywhere. And I do mean everywhere.
Speaker 12 (15:54):
I am speaking to you from within our country that
is under siege every day. We have bigners flooding our country,
sneaking across our border, black rats in the streets.
Speaker 3 (16:10):
Hey, hey, I'm one of those rats. And I'll have
you know I crossed the ocean on a very comfortable
Virgin Atlantic flight the time flew by. So get your
facts straight. So even the WWE currently has a storyline
around the immigration debate, and to give them credit, they
actually had a good discussion about the ambivalence and hypocrisy
(16:34):
at the heart of our policies.
Speaker 8 (16:36):
Difficult comes out here.
Speaker 9 (16:37):
He freams about how Jack Swagger is the real American
here from other countries shouldn't come in here, which they
shouldn't take our Chidio crows for another country.
Speaker 7 (16:45):
Yes, and he's a head.
Speaker 10 (16:47):
A quolitude of other countries.
Speaker 8 (16:48):
He has a problem for people call the other countries
will come here the.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Wrong way, the wrong way.
Speaker 9 (16:53):
He's changing his argument today to bring you this guy.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Antonio Cesarrow. He said it, prey, what.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Beautiful dream of television is this? Not only was that
technically more articulate a debate than anything we've heard in Congress,
but it came with half naked men fighting. It's like
c Span with elbow drops. Please give me more.
Speaker 8 (17:20):
Was even mad that John Oliver's to John Stewart ex
comedient thinking over the Daily Show for a couple of months, with.
Speaker 3 (17:32):
What is happening?
Speaker 13 (17:35):
What you're mad at me?
Speaker 16 (17:40):
You're mad at me?
Speaker 3 (17:41):
Oh now this is personal. I know how pro wrestling works.
You trash talk about me. I've got a trash talk
right back at you. So come on, said, if that
is your real faith name, let's do this.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Let's do this thing.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
Yeah yeah, yeah, I am here. I'm here to represent
for all immigrants. Give me some fireback there. Yes, yes,
And let me say, if Zeb wants to go after
immigrant rats, he better be prepared to get to get
(18:24):
nord one because we got teeth. I may not quite
have the muscle mass for this. I might need a
little help, Mick Mix, do you mind helping me?
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (18:44):
Yeah, yeah, yes, oh yes, huh yeh I got this, Okay,
take it, take it.
Speaker 5 (18:55):
Hey, you got a problem with immigrants, now you've got
a problem with me.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
Those you've done poke the bear sun.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
Zeb.
Speaker 5 (19:10):
If you don't like immigrants coming here and taking our jobs,
why don't get you get your ass out of the
ring and pick vegetables fourteen hours a day for fifty
cents an How exactly your points?
Speaker 3 (19:23):
Oh hals V would you rather the strawberries and your
protein shite costs seventy five bucks? Because that's is the
economic reality of the situation. It's complicated.
Speaker 5 (19:35):
Complicate your point, immigrants to our toughest, dirtiest jobs.
Speaker 8 (19:39):
Do you have what it takes.
Speaker 5 (19:41):
The gall the stones to step into a basic cable
talk shows host chair.
Speaker 8 (19:47):
If your boss goes away from the summer, I don't
think you do.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
I don't think you've done it.
Speaker 17 (20:02):
I do it.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
I'll do it.
Speaker 5 (20:06):
Even though John Stewart is a TV icon who's hard
won legacy, Oliver is pissing away for an audience watching
head of Nothing but have it. No, that is not no,
no, no learning for the real John's return and step.
Speaker 3 (20:19):
Let's get back. Let's get back on point. Make let's
get back on points.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Let's go.
Speaker 9 (20:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (20:23):
So the next guy who tries to talk smack about
immigrants is going to have us to deal with exactly you.
Speaker 3 (20:32):
You tell me to speak English, You speak English.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
You do it.
Speaker 5 (20:40):
While immigrants are taking the path the citizenship, you'll be
crawling down the path.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
To the emergency road.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
Yes, the own.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
You will only need one document. There a prescription for morphine.
That's a pain, kill another.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
So you come here next week.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
You come here next week. We will take these chas,
these cold steel chairs, and we will unfold them, unfold them,
Yes we will, and we will sit down and we
will discuss the complexities of immigration reform with you.
Speaker 7 (21:21):
We will do this.
Speaker 5 (21:29):
It's such it because immigrants built this country and helped
weave it into the vibrant tapestry we call the American dreams.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
So if you think you can bully the dreamers. We'll
make your life a nightmare.
Speaker 5 (21:43):
We will crush you with charts and graphs showing the
net economic benefit of an inclusive policy that embraces the tired,
the poor, baudo masses searching.
Speaker 16 (21:57):
Suching to the.
Speaker 7 (22:00):
Birth in a life.
Speaker 3 (22:01):
So if you, Zeph have the gump to debates, will
be here anytime you come.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Down here next week.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
And you say it to my face.
Speaker 7 (22:11):
I'm not gonna be here next week.
Speaker 5 (22:13):
I'm producing a documentar ayund Santa Claus.
Speaker 3 (22:16):
That actually sounds interesting, in which case you should come
back in septemer But joke still in the host I'm
taking up with hand up points. How about him said.
Speaker 17 (22:28):
The load?
Speaker 2 (22:41):
All right, everybody, that is our show here, it is
your moment is in officials in India want to set
the record straight.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
Stuart.
Speaker 11 (22:51):
Hey, Stuart, look, I've heard every single thing that you've
been saying about me. I hope, my friend, that you
are prepared for a world of hurt.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
WWE superstar and poster boy for the authority seth rollins.
How did you interrupt my moment?
Speaker 11 (23:09):
Is that?
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Oh?
Speaker 11 (23:09):
Please please, Stuart. You know me better than that. I
can do anything I want. I am all powerful.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
Settle down, obi wan, you're not all powerful.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
Mind your manners. You know, I've got a little wrestling
in my.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Background as well.
Speaker 7 (23:23):
I've all my friend.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
I'll put you in a half nelson.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
Maybe a little giggity gas, little giggity gab as the thing.
Maybe a little flick black, a little flip black behind me.
He's right behind me?
Speaker 8 (23:32):
In me?
Speaker 7 (23:33):
Is he right behind me?
Speaker 15 (23:34):
Is he real?
Speaker 11 (23:36):
Real tough talks?
Speaker 7 (23:37):
Stuart?
Speaker 11 (23:38):
Why don't you shut your mouth and bring it?
Speaker 2 (23:41):
Pal Let me just say this, A little beard conditioner
would go a.
Speaker 11 (23:45):
Long way towards me.
Speaker 7 (23:47):
And let me tell you this rollins.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
I will bring it.
Speaker 17 (23:51):
Although unfortunately I don't have it with me right now,
so I will perhaps look for it and meet you
somewhere at a later day like a gentleman.
Speaker 11 (24:02):
Well you know what, Well, it's funny you would mentioned
that because I actually came here to give you an invitation. Really, yes,
how about you show up this Monday night, on Monday
night raw at New York at the Prudentials.
Speaker 17 (24:16):
Now you got the gut, Stewart, I have more.
Speaker 3 (24:18):
Than the God Jesus. I think I just pulled.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
Something when I turned on there, But I do have
the guts and I, Oh, you're taller than I thought.
Speaker 5 (24:25):
On that on the television, it.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
Looks like he's all right. Well, seth rows everybody. We'll
be back next week unless I get crushed on the.
Speaker 12 (24:37):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven.
Speaker 9 (24:45):
Ten Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime
on Paramount
Speaker 6 (24:49):
Plus Paramount Podcasts
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