March 27, 2025 • 46 mins
Some of us take our time when it comes to finding love and dating. For some, that feels like an asset, for others it feels like a burden that they are yet to have experienced a relationship, intimacy, a first kiss, sex. In today's episode we break down the struggle of being a so called 'late bloomer' in your 20s, including:
- The burden of single + virginity shaming in our 20s
- Social clock theory
- Managing milestone anxiety + the emotional consequences
- Why there's no need to rush
- My 5 best dating tips for first timers
- PLUS, stories from the listeners
Listen now if you're struggling with feeling behind when it comes to love, relationships and dating in your 20s.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here.
Back for another episode as we, of course break down
the psychology of our twenties. Today's episode is for all
of my late bloomers, all my late bloomers out there
(00:21):
who are in their twenties, living deeply, fulfilling lives, going
at their own pace, experiencing life fully, but feeling like
all of it kind of means nothing because they have
never been in a relationship before, They've never really dated,
they've never been kissed, been in love, had the kind
(00:43):
of intimate experiences everyone else is seemingly having, and they
are feeling, well, they're feeling left behind. Let's not sugarcoat it.
It's really really tough. Being a late bloomer is hard.
Our twenties are confusing enough without feeling like there is
this thing we are constantly waiting to finally happen and
(01:05):
life just hasn't really started until it has. You know,
love is this wonderful, beautiful, life changing thing, and so
when it hasn't been a part of your story so far,
you can feel like a you've failed, be you're missing out,
and perhaps see perhaps it will never be on the
cards for you, perhaps it is never going to happen,
(01:27):
and that in itself it's such a scary thought. So
I'm really just here to assure you, this is my
primary goal today, that none of the above is true.
You are not a failure, You are not completely missing
out on life, and just because it hasn't happened yet
doesn't mean that it never will. The past is not
a prediction of the future in this case. We've been
(01:49):
told all these things about when we should date, what
love should feel like, why you need to be having
sex and flings, why time is running out for you.
You know that you should be looking for a relationship,
but when we slow it down, your biggest focus in
your twenties should be you a relationship, a romantic history.
(02:10):
It says absolutely nothing about your worth or where you're going,
and I think that it should be nothing more than
a bonus to an already fabulous life that you've created
for yourself. So I really want to help you. If
you are a late bloomer struggling with the fact that
a relationship just hasn't been in your timeline. Yet I
(02:31):
really want today's episode to allow you to go forward
with a little bit more ease, a little bit more grace,
a little bit less comparison, and just full acceptance that
things have worked out, they need the way they needed to,
and they will continue to unfold in the best possible way.
That might include love that's just around the corner in
(02:54):
a couple of weeks, it may include love that's around
the corner in a couple of years. But having confidence
in who you are, having confidence in your future, in
your dating experience, knowing that it will happen, That is
the most important thing that you can have right now.
It's actually probably more important than a relationship. Having confidence
(03:15):
in yourself and knowing that you can handle it no
matter what happens. So, without further ado, there is way
too much in this episode for me to keep rambling.
This is a huge episode, one I have waited so
long to do, and we're finally getting to it. So
let's get into it, all right, team, Let's start at
(03:38):
the very beginning. What is a late bloomer? Well, I
actually think there are two ways of seeing it. A
late bloomer can be, of course, a developmental term it
can also be a feeling. So the first kind of definition.
In healthcare and medicine, late bloomer is a term to
describe a child who was essentially not meeting certain developmental
(04:01):
milestones when they should. You know, you bring your little babe,
your little baby, your little infant into a doctor's office
and they say, oh, can they talk yet? Are they babbling?
Can they walk yet? And if the answer is no,
one they should be, they say, oh, they're a late bloomer.
They're taking their time. You kind of get the picture.
This term is based on the assumption that our progress
(04:22):
through life, through childhood, adolescence, adulthood should be measurable, predictable,
and as human beings we should all follow a very
similar path. When we aren't well, then there is something
quote unquote wrong with us that needs to be seen to.
There's something that needs to be fixed. Hopefully you see
where I'm going with this. You know, there really isn't
(04:45):
a predictable way that we all go through life. But
you know, for the sake of childhood development, maybe that
is true. When we are quite young, there is a
very rigid way of seeing our physical and cognitive development.
But slowly as we get older. That also soh that rigidity,
that inflexibility that timeline starts to also apply to our
(05:06):
social development and the relational or interpersonal milestones that we
should be hitting in our teens and twenties should be
the most important word here, and there is this belief
that if you haven't had your first kiss, you haven't
had sex, you haven't had your first relationship by a
certain period during those formative years, again, something is wrong.
(05:29):
Something's wrong with you. Obviously if you cannot tell by
the tone of my voice, I believe this is false.
But it leads me to the second way of seeing
the term late bloomer, And that's not so much as
a definition as it would as we would have it
in childhood. It's as a feeling. Being a late bloomer
(05:51):
is an individual appraisal and feeling of being behind. Like
when you look at your life and you look at
the norm, the norm is further ahead than you are
when it comes to some special event or thing that
you think should have happened to you by Now. There's
one problem with this, of course, which is that with
possibly millions almost probably like dozens of millions of other
(06:15):
people the same age as you, are now across all
continents and countries. There is no way to know exactly
what the norm is based on all of those averages.
There is actually no way to know if you are
truly behind. We tend to just base it off of
a skewed sample of those around us and what the
(06:37):
media or other influences are telling us, and it often
ends up making us feel terrible. The second point I
want to make here is so what so what the
norm is not where you are? Why does that really matter?
If this is the pace that you've gone at, if
this is your life story and no one else's, If
this is just how it's worked out, if you're happy,
(07:00):
why does it matter if the norm is further ahead,
if other people have made different choices than you. Let's
talk about the two main ways that we can kind
of feel like a late bloomer or feel behind in
our twenties. The first one is, of course, relationships, specifically
never having been in one, but also never having dated,
(07:21):
never having had that kind of intimate connection with someone,
never having had that intimacy. Because we see relationships and
attraction and love as such a reflection of ourselves and
as a society, we put dating on a pedestal. It
can sometimes feel like, if it hasn't happened yet, something
(07:43):
we must be going about it wrong. We are unattractive,
We must be undesirable, not funny, not confident enough, not enough,
because everyone else has figured out how to do it
but we haven't. We can also feel like equally like
we're missing out, especially during our twenties and during this
decade where there is a lot of chatter and a
(08:04):
lot of conversations around relationships, and it's this big storyline
that we're all kind of obsessed with during this decade.
You know, often it's portrayed to us as if there
is something very sacred contained in the relationship experience and
if you haven't had the chance to experience it yet,
(08:25):
well you're missing out. And of course, when that's the
way that you're made to feel, you want it even
more as the saying goes, You know, humans want what
they can't have, and so it's not uncommon to feel
maybe jealous or envious or frustrated even at your coupled friends,
or to sometimes yeah, believe that your life would be
(08:48):
so much better and you'd finally be happier if it
would just finally happen for you. So there's a great
deal of longing, and there's also a great deal of insecurity,
which is totally not It also certainly doesn't help that
our society, oh, by gosh, do they love to single shame.
In fact, a study done at a UK university a
(09:09):
couple of years ago that I quote quite a lot,
it examined single shaming and it found that statements like oh,
you know, all the good ones will be taken soon,
or statements like you're just too picky, or being given
unsolicited advice as a single person, that's part of the
single shaming experience, and it can actually cause people to
(09:32):
rush into relationships quicker. But they found that these same
relationships end up disintegrating sooner because the person that you
pick out of desperation is probably not going to be
the right person for you. But again, there's no judgment here.
You're facing this weird catch twenty two. You feel like
you're a failure if you're alone, But if you were
(09:53):
to date just anyone in settle, you wouldn't be happy either. Tough,
really tough. I actually asked you all over on Instagram
to share your experiences with this, because I think we
can learn the most from people going through it with us,
And there was this one story that illustrated this struggle
(10:15):
very very well. This came from a listener called Chavonne
who lives in Ireland. Ireland, Ireland. Sorry my Australian accent
makes it hard to say anyways, Cheven. I'm twenty seven
and I've never been in a long term relationship, but
I feel so ready. It feels like I'm waiting until
(10:35):
I find love for my life to start. But I
don't want it to be just anyone. I'm the last
of my friends to date. Some of my friends are
even married. And for the people who don't understand what
that feels like, imagine going out with all your friends
and they all get let into an exclusive club whilst
you have to sit outside. Sometimes they'll come out of
(10:55):
the club and sit with you for a little bit,
but they always end up going back in whilst you
were never let inside. At the end of the night,
they talk about how fun it was and have all
these stories, and you're sitting there thinking I can't relate
to any of this, but I so desperately wish I could.
That's what it feels like to be the last single friend.
I switched between feeling extremely desperate and also wanting to
(11:18):
take my time. But I worry that as I get older,
I'll never get to have this experience, and I'm running
out of time. I'll never get to have those feelings,
and that makes me so beyond depressed to think about
I just want to join the club. Oh my gosh,
Chavonne that last line, I just want to join that club.
That sentence that hit me because I think we have
(11:42):
all in some capacity been there. That's such a human experience.
I remember exactly what that felt like, wanting to know
everyone's stories, wanting to know everyone's dating stories and relationship
stories so that I was prepared, but equally not wanting
them to know I couldn't participate in the conversation the
way that they were because I didn't have any of
(12:03):
those stories of my own, and feeling like everyone was
part of this secret society and I just like didn't
have access to the secrets yet. It's really really hard,
especially when it makes it hard to relate to other
people as well, and especially when you don't have other
single friends, or you don't have other late bloomer friends
who you can sometimes just like you know, relish and
(12:26):
the pity with sometimes you just want to feel shit
with someone else by your side. Let's talk about another
aspect of being a late bloomer in your twenties, and
that is virginity. Being in your twenties and not having
had sex yet can feel like there is a big
banner above your head and everyone knows, and everyone's judging you,
and you're judging you, and again the debate is between
(12:50):
do I wait or do I just get it over with?
It feels like if you didn't have sex as a teenager,
you must have been lame or uncool, or on a
train active or undesirable. And now if you were to
have sex, the person would know that you don't know
what you're doing. I'm going to say this right now.
Most people, when it comes to sex in their twenties
don't know what they're doing anyways, So you don't have
(13:12):
to worry about that. It's also important to say people
don't have sex for so many reasons, health reasons, religious reasons, asexuality,
personal choice, because they want it to be meaningful. That's
a good enough reason as any. Any of those reasons
are good reasons, plus many many more you know, I
had another DM from someone talking about how their friends
(13:34):
like the reason it was so hard to talk about
being a virgin or acknowledge it in their twenties was
because their friends would always put pressure on them on
nights out to just just get over with and they
would push her towards random guys and men and they
would go up to them and tell them that she
was a virgin, which had me like like goba smacked, gobbat,
(13:56):
I don't even have words like I'm literally speechless even
talking about that, because that is quite frankly disgusting, Like
that's disgusting. Why was it any of their business? And
why was like her virginity some fun little like party
trick that they could get drunk and like play with.
You know, I just think that's awful, and in all honesty,
(14:16):
I wish i'd waited. I'm somewhat envious of those who
have and now get to make an informed decision with
a more developed brain about when they want to have
sex with someone. You know, my first time was such
a bad experience and it definitely damaged my relationship with
sex for some time, and I remember thinking why did
(14:39):
I do that? Why did I do that with that person,
and it was because I felt like everyone else around
me was doing it and I didn't want to be
left out. I didn't want to fall behind. I didn't
want everyone else to look at me and say, well,
something's wrong with you. You're not part of the club. And
as someone who just scot it over with it was
(15:01):
a huge mistake. Choosing not to have sex or just
not having it because you haven't had it yet says
no more about your self worth than having had a
lot of sex. Honestly, we need to talk about virginity
shaming more during this decade, more during our twenties and
even in our thirties as well, because a virginity shaming,
(15:23):
much like single shaming, is so rife and b it's
just quite frankly, a weird thing to do. It's a
weird thing to shame someone for what they've chosen to
do with their body. Sometimes I do find that the
sex positivity movement has done so much incredible work for
reducing stigma around sex and having a lot of it,
(15:46):
and not too much about the stigma of not having any,
despite the fact that they are both individual choices to
do with bodily autonomy, I want to bring in another
study here, and it was a twenty twenty two study
that actually looked at the emotional consequences of virginity shaming
amongst thirty adult visions between the ages of twenty to
(16:08):
twenty nine, and it found that participants felt that virginity
shaming made it hard for them to feel like they belonged.
They felt that they weren't accepted for who they were,
and they had to justify or explain their choices when asked.
They felt more shy when it came to approaching people,
not because they were naturally shy individuals, there was no
(16:31):
correlation with introversion, only because they felt like people would
be able to tell or would judge them, and they
felt less desirable. And most of them also felt like
they were running out of time, especially the women. Essentially,
it can make us feel like everyone else is ahead
in this made up game of life and we better
(16:51):
catch up quick again, My big, big question is why
why do you need to catch up up? Just ask
yourself that one now, why what is so good about
the norm? What is so good about doing it the
way everyone else has done it? So there are some
(17:11):
other ways that we can be late bloomer. I'm not
really going to touch on them today, but in terms
of career, professional milestones, moving out of home, finding friends,
finding independence, all other valid ways. But I do really
want to focus on relationships here. I really want to
focus on being a late bloomer in love. And our
main question now is why is it so hard to
(17:32):
feel at peace with the fact that you are going
at your own pace or taking your time? Why is
that so horrible? What's with the external but also internalized
shame around being a late bloomer. Where does that come from?
Let's talk about it. I think, first of all, it
comes from this very romantic view of life whereby you
find love early on, and each step naturally leads you
(17:53):
to the next, and you've met your soulmate and you've
done everything by the age of sixteen, and you're an
adult and you're a big girl, and you never hesitate,
and you're never alone, you never doubt yourself, you never
go backwards, and everything is forward, forward, forward. That's just
not what it's honestly like when it comes to relationships
and love and figuring yourself out as well. But we've
(18:14):
been taught to embrace the linear, typical timeline and to
squeeze ourselves into the skin and life of someone who
has done it all and seemingly the right time, even
when that life is not right for us, and the
alternative to not having done it that way is a
lot of fomo, a lot of shame, a lot of sadness.
So this whole experience has another name. It's called social
(18:37):
clock theory. So social clock theory, this is the theory
you need to know if you are experiencing a lot
of late bloomer dread. It was introduced by the American
psychologist Bernice and your Garten back in the sixties, and
it basically refers to the culturally and socially constructed timeline
for achieving major life milestones like graduating, securing your career,
(19:01):
getting married, having children, having sex, all those things. Late bloomers.
Those of us who deviate from this expected timeline, they
often experience social pressure, self doubt, feeling behind because of
a social desire for conformity that they just haven't met.
And you know, there was even research back in the
(19:21):
nineties that suggests that individuals who fall outside of the
societal expectations in any of these ways, they really struggle
with comparison and with lowered self esteem, because naturally, comparison
is what a lot of this comes down to. We
are naturally comparative creatures as well, and we do want
(19:41):
to make sure we're doing it all right compared to
the average, because the alternative is that we're somehow doing
it wrong. We're not like others, we're not normal, and
we're at a higher risk of being ostracized. Now that
fear of being ostracized is a very primal one, which
is what makes it so hard to shut down. Even
if rationally you know that it's all going to be okay,
(20:02):
you're going to find love, you're going to have sex,
you're gonna do it all. You're just taking your time.
When it comes to love in particular and relationships, I
think our comparison evolves into something even harder to deal
with called shiny object syndrome. Now this is actually an
economics or like a consumer economics term, I like to
(20:22):
adapt it to be used when it comes to comparison
and wanting what we can't have. So it's not just
that we feel inadequate, it's that we are then continually
drawn and obsessed with the thing that we don't have
with this new shiny thing that everyone else has that
(20:43):
we just need to have at the expense of everything else.
It's an obsession, you know, that shiny object, this shiny
idea of love. We're so obsessed with it, we'll do
anything for it. But then when we get it, we realize, oh,
you know, this is not really all that I was
told it was going to be. This really like, yes
(21:06):
it's great, Yes it's fine, but I sacrificed so much
to get this wasn't even worth it. Why did I
feel like I was in such a rush. And it's
because of the social impact on the social drive to
fit in. Shiny object theory also explains why psychologically we
don't believe that we will be happy if we don't
(21:28):
have what everyone else has, something I'm sure many of
you can relate to. So social clock theory is a
really important one to know, and it also really links to,
of course, milestone anxiety, this increasing sense of dread as
time goes on, that you are not reaching certain milestones
(21:52):
when you should. So there was some research released in
twenty twenty two that some of you may have actually seen.
It polled around two thousand young young adults and it
asked them in terms of where everyone else sits, in
terms of what you think you should be doing, where
you think you should be Do you feel behind? I
(22:13):
want you to just mentally for me. How many of
these individuals from the age of nineteen to thirty nine,
how many of them said I feel behind? Here's your answer?
Eighty percent, Well over a majority. It really begs the question,
eighty percent. If eight out of ten of us feel behind,
(22:37):
why isn't feeling behind the norm? Why is it that
the minority of people who feel like somehow they have
it all together and have done it all correctly? Why
are they the ones who are doing it right? Surely
it seems that having a bit more fluidity and flexibility
and kind of veering off the path every now and again,
that seems like the right way to do it if
(22:58):
the majority of people are doing it that way, and again,
if I haven't said it already, who is making up
these milestones like I didn't give my input. I don't
remember being invited to a focus group. I don't remember
anyone asking me all these questions about when I had
sex for the first time and when my first relationship
(23:19):
was and putting it into a big spreadsheet to find
the average. In many, many ways, these milestones and the
ages attached to them are imaginary. It doesn't mean it
doesn't still feel hard and distressing and uncomfortable when we
don't conform. But I want you to remember it's not
(23:39):
as real and tangible as you think it is. No
one is comparing you to some factual spreadsheet that has
the exact age and number of months that you should
have completed this by. So at the end of the day,
we do still know this is difficult. What are some
of the emotional consequences of being a late bloomer in
(24:00):
this world? And what do we do about it? What
do we do about it when just getting into a relationship,
just getting out there and dating isn't really an option. Well,
we are going to talk about all of that, as
well as so so much more how to date as
a late bloomer some of the biggest anxieties that we
deal with after this shortbreak. We've already spoken about a
(24:30):
few of the consequences that we face of being a
late bloomer. One we haven't spoken about yet is shame.
If you are a late bloomer, I'm sure that shame
is a frequent emotion in your emotional talkkit. I want
to read you another story from a listener here about
the shame of not having done at all on this
(24:50):
imaginary timeline. Here we go, I'm twenty one and I
haven't even held hands romantically or had my first kiss.
There is a lot of shame surrounding this. I feel
so inexperienced, like no one will want me because I
don't know what I'm doing. I am definitely an introvert
and struggle putting myself out there. One part of me
(25:11):
has acknowledged that I'm still so young, why rush? My
time will come. I will find someone who loves me.
The other part of me continues to find that this
shame comes and goes in waves. I want to say this.
I actually asked a group of my friends at dinner
the other night. There's about fourteen of us at dinner,
some men, some women, some queer, some heterosexual. I like,
(25:33):
put it towards the table. Would you hesitate to date
someone because they were inexperienced? Not one of them said yes.
All of them says that doesn't really matter to me,
as long as we click. Some people even said, hey,
it might even be an upside might even be a
positive thing because they're not jaded, they have less baggage.
(25:54):
We get to experience this, like I feel like I
will get to experience what it feels like to fall
in love for the first time again with this person
because it's all fresh and you to them. But that
battle between trying to be hopeful and also succuming to
shame is a very common one. You gotta remember, shame
is a social emotion. No human child person, it naturally
(26:18):
comes out of the womb feeling shame. It's something that
is taught to you. It is something that you have
been made to feel. So I want you to interrogate
and really think, when was the first time I was
made to feel ashamed for this? What was that person
probably thinking? What were they projecting onto me? And why
in the world was it any of their business? Another
(26:39):
emotional consequence. Another side of this is also fear. We've
spoken about this a little bit, but what if it
never happens? What if I'd never find love? It's probably
a bit scary to even hear me say that. Right. Firstly,
I just gonna say it. It's highly unlikely, entirely unlikely.
It's gonna clear that up for you. It just hasn't
(27:01):
been your time yet doesn't mean it won't happen. And
I'm allowed to say this. I feel like I have
permission to say this because I have seen this happen
again and again and again. I have seen friends of
mine who were in their thirties and never had a
serious relationship find someone. I have seen people who are
twenty seven, twenty eight, never had sex, never had a kiss,
(27:21):
and suddenly it just all starts happening for them. It's
okay to feel afraid of that possibility. I think the
reason that we do feel particularly afraid of what it
would be like to never have that experience is because
there are very few examples of what that looks like.
You know, there are very few people out there who
are open about being a virgin at forty. There are
(27:44):
very few influencers who are fifty and have never been
in a relationship. And that means that if you're twenty
or nineteen or twenty five or twenty eight or whatever
age you are looking for some sign that you will
be okay even if it doesn't happen, you are going
to str to find one. Because the stigma likes to
keep those people silent, and so therefore you will struggle
(28:05):
to feel like it is acceptable, and the fear of
it not happening is going to be a lot bigger
to that fear. Let me also say this, eighty five
percent of our worst fear has never come true. It's
probably an even higher number. It's probably something around ninety percent.
And for the ten to fifteen percent that might come true,
studies have continuously shown that people hand all those situations,
(28:30):
the very situations they feared more than any other, way
better than they expected they would, way better than they
thought that they ever could. So even if it never happens,
what's to say you still won't have an amazing life.
You still won't be deeply happy, have love in other forms.
(28:50):
I think in order to release our shame around being
a late bloomer, we have to let go of the
fear that if things were never to change, we wouldn't
necessarily be miserable. You would be okay. You are going
to be okay. And I have seen it happen. I
just really know I've already said this, but oh my gosh,
(29:11):
I just wish I could tell you how many times
I have seen single friends of mine, find their first relationship,
start dating for the first time at thirty five or
even older, or had sex for the first time in
their late twenties, and just found that suddenly, one day,
the circumstances are perfect, the right person just walks in,
(29:32):
and because they didn't rush or settle like so many
of us, they have all the maturity and readiness to
be one hundred percent in, one hundred percent committed, and
they get to have all those experiences they've ever dreamed of.
I'll also say this, sorry, I'm not even done with
my point yet. I think the reason that you're convinced
it will never happen is because you don't know what
(29:53):
it will feel like when it does. You can only
ruminate on what you do know, which is where you
are right now, which is this situation in which it
hasn't happened yet. That is the only feeling that you
are familiar with, and so that feeling is so much
stronger than the alternative feeling of knowing what it feels
like to be in love. So always what is known,
(30:13):
what is normal, what is status quo for you, is
going to dominate over possibility, and so the voice in
your head that's saying this is what's always what it's
always going to be like, is naturally going to be
so much louder than the part of you who is saying, hey,
but look at this situation that could potentially happen. It
hasn't happened yet, there's less salience to it, there's less
(30:34):
depth to it. It feels less believable. Doesn't mean that
it is. So. With all of this in mind, I
want to talk about how we can embrace being a
late bloomer and feel more confident when dating, when putting
ourselves out there, but also more confident with taking our time.
I'm going to start this section by giving you an
(30:56):
affirmation here, and it's a quote that actually came from
Milan the movie. It's one of the most beautiful things
I've ever heard. The last flower to bloom is the
most beautiful of all, and it's normally the one that
blooms the longest, and I found that very much to
be true. There's another quote that I think accompanies this one.
(31:19):
You should never trust an elevator that rises too fast,
because it doesn't last. And the reason I think it's
necessary to bring these up is because it highlights an
important truth the slower you think you're moving through life,
the more you are actually getting to experience and take
it all in. The less you're rushing, meaning the longer
(31:41):
you get to be in the process of blooming rather
than fully blossomed, fully flowered, rather than at the final
stage of development, thinking, Oh, I got here so fast,
I didn't even get to enjoy my own evolution. Now,
I've spoken to people about this who have seemingly found
everything very very early on. We would assume, or as
(32:03):
a late bloomer, you would, it would be very easy
for you to assume that they must be really, really happy,
that they must not have any doubts about their future.
Actually it's quite the opposite. One of the sentiments. I
actually hear a lot that people, you know, they're not
very loud about because it feels strange to talk about.
But it's a sentiment I actually hear from a lot
(32:24):
of my friends who found their long term partner quite young,
and I'm talking under the age of twenty six twenty five.
A lot of them say, I wish that I got
to enjoy being single a little bit longer. I wish
that I had not rushed so fast. I wish that
I had just known it was going to happen, and
(32:46):
just let myself enjoy the single period for a longer
time with more ease. You know, the grass is always greener.
I guess I think my biggest tip is to remember
this is to remember there is absolutely no way of knowing,
no way of knowing that if it had happened any differently,
you would be any happier. But secondly, that doesn't mean
(33:07):
you don't get to grieve the early experiences that you
wish you'd had. As much as I'm trying to convince
you that it's not as important as you think, you
can take your time. It's very easy for me to
say considering that I've had them, and I know that
if you haven't, it can really feel like you've missed out.
It's okay to be sad about that, if not for
(33:28):
you right now, even if you're happy right now, it's
okay to be sad for the version of you who
really wanted it to happen. But then we have to
get focused on the future. And counter to what you
might think, just because it hasn't happened doesn't make you
any less desirable, any less attractive. You can still have
(33:49):
a really rewarding dating life and a really amazing dating life. Actually,
I'm gonna even I'm gonna bump it up, yere, you
can still have the best dating life just because it
hasn't happened yet. And I think that really means sinking
very deeply into you, know what makes you unique, and
knowing what makes you really really happy, and knowing that
(34:12):
the asset you have now is that you have greater maturity,
you're more independent, you have all these other life lessons
that other people may have neglected in their obsessive pursuit
of love. So if you're in that phase of being like,
all right, cool, I'm feeling insecure about this, but I
want to get back out there. I want you to
start by trying to cut out the rumination and do
(34:33):
things that you find interesting and that make you interesting
and that you think interesting. So I'm talking confidence through
I guess, confidence through opportunity and experience and passion. Put
yourself into group situations doing things you love. Join rollerderby,
join field hockey, join a ceramics class, get yourself around people,
(34:57):
get yourself feeling alive. Find groups that align with your
interests and insert yourself into them, show up, be present,
talk to people. Let me say this, for all the
emphasis on dating apps, the meet cute is not dead.
And I know that dating apps can feel really overwhelming
if you haven't had some of those early dating experiences.
(35:18):
You can meet people without them. Like I'm saying this
as someone who literally sometimes does advertisements for dating apps,
they are not absolutely necessary. You can still meet amazing
people face to face and maybe that's what's more comfortable
for you because you get to actually know them and
have a friendship first, which feels more authentic. So my
(35:41):
first big tip get into groups, Get into communities where
you feel aligned with people. Secondly, make a bucket list
of things that you want to do that have nothing
to do with love and sex and relationships. Sometimes I
find when this is one thing that we feel we're
missing out on or we can think about, is that
one thing. It's the shiny object syndrome. Right, my god,
(36:02):
there's this shiny thing and I'm obsessed with it, and
if I don't have it, I'm gonna die. It's gonna
be awful, I'm gonna be miserable. That's the only thing
that's gonna make me happy. Stop. No, that's a fallacy.
Your brain is trying to tell you you can be
happy doing a hell of a lot more things. So
I want you to make a bucket list of all
the things that you really want to do. To make
sure you're continuing to put time into yourself, even though
(36:24):
you feel maybe held back by being a late bloomer.
Make sure that your life is just overflowing in every
other area. I also want you to make a second
list of things that you can only do when you're
single that your future self is going to thank you
for doing it now. And let me tell you this,
(36:44):
they're gonna thank you. I did this when I was single,
and I'm so glad I did, because when you have
shared a bed with someone for like the five thousandth
night in a row, sometimes you miss being single and
in your own bed and just like getting to whatever
you want it, Like, there are actual perks to having
like that freedom and like just agency to just do
(37:08):
anything and not have to consider someone else and not
have to think about their opinion and not have to,
you know, not have to really understand that you're doing
this as a partnership and just have some fun with
your single life. I also want you to if you're
getting back into dating. Treat dating as an experiment and
take it in stages. It can feel very overwhelming to
(37:30):
go from not dating, not having anything romantic really happening
to you, to being like, oh my god, I'm on
five dates in a week and this is exhausting, and
I have to talk to all these people and I
just can't manage the emotional intensity of it. So take
it in stages. Start by just having conversations with people
you find attractive. You're allowed to talk to people you
find attractive. I was like, Oh, they don't want to
(37:52):
talk to me. Who gives a fuck? You're cool? Who cares?
Like you're a cool person. If they don't want to
talk to you, like they're an asshole, talk to them,
even if you feel judged, even if you feel embarrassed, whatever,
Who cares, that's their problem. You're a catch. You're an
absolute catch. Also, you'll be surprised by how much of
that is in your own head and how many people
(38:14):
do actually find you really interesting and fun and want
to talk to you and find you attractive. Secondly, download
the dating apps if you want, but for the first
little bit, just like people like, just engage with their profiles,
don't go out with anyone, don't do any of that
practice and flirting. I want you to just start by
liking people. I just want you to start by seeing
(38:36):
that people like you back, then start by talking to people.
Please be picky. I do not want to see you
giving likes out or swiping left right swiping yes. I
don't know which way it is anymore, swiping yes on
people who you aren't attracted to. We are not settling
in this moment. We are not saying, oh, well, you know,
(38:57):
they look like they'd accept me. They look like like
I can't be picky. I can't go for the hot ones.
I can't go for the people who seem more experienced.
None of that. We are only engaging with people on
the dating apps who we would genuinely really like to
date and think are really attractive and cool. Once you
have just started to talk to people, I want you
(39:18):
to wait for someone to ask you out. Now, normally
I would say, go and ask someone else, go and
ask someone else out, go and just like shoot your shot.
I think you deserve for someone to ask you out.
I think that you deserve to have that experience, So
wait for them. You have plenty of years to ask
other people out. If it's gonna be your first date,
(39:40):
if you're just starting out again, make them come to you.
It will make you feel confident, it will make you
feel desired, and then go on a date. Oh my gosh,
how fun. I have a whole episode on this called
how to Have Better First Dates. Genuinely, the amount of
dms and comments I get from people saying this is
how I met my partner. I use those tips and
(40:01):
suddenly I didn't feel nervous anymore, had the best first
date of my life. Now we've been dating. I love
that episode. Listen to that episode, but also remember your
main objective here is to have fun and learn things
about yourself. Dating is a lot, Meeting new people is
a lot. Sometimes you need to disconnect from the event
and the significance of it for you to really enjoy it.
(40:24):
I have a friend who she also took a while
to start dating, and when she went on those first
few dates, it was so nerve racking and she really
couldn't get up the mental barrier of it. So I
told her, I want you to think of it like
it's you're writing an article, like she's a journalist. And
I was like, you know, when you go on those dates,
you're like, yes, you're there to have the date, but
(40:45):
you're also there to like investigate, You're there to like
get information or I want you to imagine that like
you're on the state where actually you're on a TV show.
We just want some kind of cognitive distancing so you
don't just think, oh my god, it's a first date.
It's a date, and this is so intense and it
has to go well, this is just experimental for you.
Remember you're in your experimental phase. You're just getting to
(41:08):
know yourself more through this dating period. It's going to
be scary. It's going to be scary, but being scared
is actually an important part of the process. I also
want you to remember two final things. If someone is
on a date with you, if someone is talking to you,
they are doing that by choice. You know, if they
didn't want to be there, they wouldn't be there. They
(41:28):
are at the very least a little bit curious about you.
Before you start overthinking. As well, I want you to
also remember you cannot say the wrong thing to the
right person. Please please be authentically yourself. You have worked
so hard to be that way. For your entire life.
Don't give it up now just because you have this
(41:51):
potential of getting into a relationship. Let me just say this, Yes,
the right relationship is amazing. If it's the wrong relationship,
it's just a waste of your fucking time. So please
don't settle. You know, there's a twenty thirteen study that
I think of all the time when I give people
this advice. I quote it always, and it's about how
people who have an innate fear of being single actually
(42:12):
tend to settle for a whole lot less. And the
people who end up settling when they come back to
them in two years time, they are a whole lot
less happy compared to people who were also in the
experiment who stayed single for that same amount of time.
So we've got two groups of people here, the people
who settle the people who said, no, I like who
I am, I'm gonna stay this way and wait for
the right person. That group was happier. I want you
(42:35):
to be part of that group. Please do not settle
for less. Be authentic. You cannot say the wrong thing
to the right person. You will lose nothing, nothing, nothing nothing.
You only have things to gain by showing up as
your true self. I want to finish up this episode
doing two things. Firstly is I want to talk about
(42:56):
the pros of being a late bloomer, and then I
want to finish on a story. Let's quickly go through
some prose for when you're feeling shitty about your circumstances,
maybe a bit uncomfortable, upset about how it's gone so far.
If you've never been in a relationship, that shows great
strength because I bet you've had opportunities and you've chosen
(43:19):
not to settle. Even if you didn't realize you had opportunities. Unconsciously,
your brain has been like, yeah, that's not for us.
You as a late bloomer are a lot more mature,
You're a lot more intuitive. You are going to be
better at advocating for yourself in a relationship compared to
fourteen and fifteen year old you who didn't know themselves
(43:40):
as well. You can be more present in your experiences,
you can make choices that align better with who you are. Also,
it's going to feel more special, Like seriously, it's going
to feel so much more special. And you've had time
to understand your needs and your wants. That means that
(44:01):
you're less likely to make some of the stupid mistakes
that people make when they start dating and having sex
really early on, and you're going to be more grounded.
You're going to be more grounded in who you are,
what you want, and in the beauty and the magic
of your relationship. I want to finish with this story,
and I actually found this story on Reddit, but I
just think it is so wonderful. So this came from
(44:23):
a page on Reddit which was advice for late bloomers.
Here we go. I think I appreciate my wife so
much more because I missed the whole prom, homecoming, early
dating stuff early in life. My name was not written
on anyone's trapper keeper. No girl's dad had to warn
(44:44):
me to bring home their kid before eleven PM. I
missed all that. So when I dated later in my twenties,
I made sure to be the best man I could be.
Even now, I'm still trying to live up to that.
But everything just feels so much more special and important
that I think it would have felt if I'd done
all this younger. How beautiful is that? How absolutely beautiful
(45:08):
is that? And that is the tone I want to
finish this episode on. So thank you, my lovely, lovely
late bloomer listeners that say that five times, thank you
for listening. Oh my gosh, say that five times. Thank
you so much for listening. I really do appreciate you
getting here, getting this far into the episode. I hope
you feel confident at ease. I want to hear your
(45:31):
affirmations and what makes you feel better about being a
late bloomer in the comments. I know so many people
ask me for this episode, and so many people could
really gain something from your personal wisdom, So please share below.
Connect with other late bloomers. I want to hear from you.
Make sure that you are following me on Instagram at
(45:52):
that psychology podcast. I've got a book coming out soon
and there's going to be so much on there about
what that was like, and you know, fun chapters and
sneak peeks and previews and events that we've got probably
coming to your city, So I would love to connect
with you over there. I would love to hear from you.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Any
(46:12):
further contributions, and yeah, until next time, make sure you
rate us five stars. Make sure you are following you along,
and stay safe. Be kind, please, please please please be
gentle with yourself and we will talk very very soon.
Hello, everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here.
Back for another episode as we, of course break down
the psychology of our twenties. Today's episode is for all
of my late bloomers, all my late bloomers out there
(00:21):
who are in their twenties, living deeply, fulfilling lives, going
at their own pace, experiencing life fully, but feeling like
all of it kind of means nothing because they have
never been in a relationship before, They've never really dated,
they've never been kissed, been in love, had the kind
(00:43):
of intimate experiences everyone else is seemingly having, and they
are feeling, well, they're feeling left behind. Let's not sugarcoat it.
It's really really tough. Being a late bloomer is hard.
Our twenties are confusing enough without feeling like there is
this thing we are constantly waiting to finally happen and
(01:05):
life just hasn't really started until it has. You know,
love is this wonderful, beautiful, life changing thing, and so
when it hasn't been a part of your story so far,
you can feel like a you've failed, be you're missing out,
and perhaps see perhaps it will never be on the
cards for you, perhaps it is never going to happen,
(01:27):
and that in itself it's such a scary thought. So
I'm really just here to assure you, this is my
primary goal today, that none of the above is true.
You are not a failure, You are not completely missing
out on life, and just because it hasn't happened yet
doesn't mean that it never will. The past is not
a prediction of the future in this case. We've been
(01:49):
told all these things about when we should date, what
love should feel like, why you need to be having
sex and flings, why time is running out for you.
You know that you should be looking for a relationship,
but when we slow it down, your biggest focus in
your twenties should be you a relationship, a romantic history.
(02:10):
It says absolutely nothing about your worth or where you're going,
and I think that it should be nothing more than
a bonus to an already fabulous life that you've created
for yourself. So I really want to help you. If
you are a late bloomer struggling with the fact that
a relationship just hasn't been in your timeline. Yet I
(02:31):
really want today's episode to allow you to go forward
with a little bit more ease, a little bit more grace,
a little bit less comparison, and just full acceptance that
things have worked out, they need the way they needed to,
and they will continue to unfold in the best possible way.
That might include love that's just around the corner in
(02:54):
a couple of weeks, it may include love that's around
the corner in a couple of years. But having confidence
in who you are, having confidence in your future, in
your dating experience, knowing that it will happen, That is
the most important thing that you can have right now.
It's actually probably more important than a relationship. Having confidence
(03:15):
in yourself and knowing that you can handle it no
matter what happens. So, without further ado, there is way
too much in this episode for me to keep rambling.
This is a huge episode, one I have waited so
long to do, and we're finally getting to it. So
let's get into it, all right, team, Let's start at
(03:38):
the very beginning. What is a late bloomer? Well, I
actually think there are two ways of seeing it. A
late bloomer can be, of course, a developmental term it
can also be a feeling. So the first kind of definition.
In healthcare and medicine, late bloomer is a term to
describe a child who was essentially not meeting certain developmental
(04:01):
milestones when they should. You know, you bring your little babe,
your little baby, your little infant into a doctor's office
and they say, oh, can they talk yet? Are they babbling?
Can they walk yet? And if the answer is no,
one they should be, they say, oh, they're a late bloomer.
They're taking their time. You kind of get the picture.
This term is based on the assumption that our progress
(04:22):
through life, through childhood, adolescence, adulthood should be measurable, predictable,
and as human beings we should all follow a very
similar path. When we aren't well, then there is something
quote unquote wrong with us that needs to be seen to.
There's something that needs to be fixed. Hopefully you see
where I'm going with this. You know, there really isn't
(04:45):
a predictable way that we all go through life. But
you know, for the sake of childhood development, maybe that
is true. When we are quite young, there is a
very rigid way of seeing our physical and cognitive development.
But slowly as we get older. That also soh that rigidity,
that inflexibility that timeline starts to also apply to our
(05:06):
social development and the relational or interpersonal milestones that we
should be hitting in our teens and twenties should be
the most important word here, and there is this belief
that if you haven't had your first kiss, you haven't
had sex, you haven't had your first relationship by a
certain period during those formative years, again, something is wrong.
(05:29):
Something's wrong with you. Obviously if you cannot tell by
the tone of my voice, I believe this is false.
But it leads me to the second way of seeing
the term late bloomer, And that's not so much as
a definition as it would as we would have it
in childhood. It's as a feeling. Being a late bloomer
(05:51):
is an individual appraisal and feeling of being behind. Like
when you look at your life and you look at
the norm, the norm is further ahead than you are
when it comes to some special event or thing that
you think should have happened to you by Now. There's
one problem with this, of course, which is that with
possibly millions almost probably like dozens of millions of other
(06:15):
people the same age as you, are now across all
continents and countries. There is no way to know exactly
what the norm is based on all of those averages.
There is actually no way to know if you are
truly behind. We tend to just base it off of
a skewed sample of those around us and what the
(06:37):
media or other influences are telling us, and it often
ends up making us feel terrible. The second point I
want to make here is so what so what the
norm is not where you are? Why does that really matter?
If this is the pace that you've gone at, if
this is your life story and no one else's, If
this is just how it's worked out, if you're happy,
(07:00):
why does it matter if the norm is further ahead,
if other people have made different choices than you. Let's
talk about the two main ways that we can kind
of feel like a late bloomer or feel behind in
our twenties. The first one is, of course, relationships, specifically
never having been in one, but also never having dated,
(07:21):
never having had that kind of intimate connection with someone,
never having had that intimacy. Because we see relationships and
attraction and love as such a reflection of ourselves and
as a society, we put dating on a pedestal. It
can sometimes feel like, if it hasn't happened yet, something
(07:43):
we must be going about it wrong. We are unattractive,
We must be undesirable, not funny, not confident enough, not enough,
because everyone else has figured out how to do it
but we haven't. We can also feel like equally like
we're missing out, especially during our twenties and during this
decade where there is a lot of chatter and a
(08:04):
lot of conversations around relationships, and it's this big storyline
that we're all kind of obsessed with during this decade.
You know, often it's portrayed to us as if there
is something very sacred contained in the relationship experience and
if you haven't had the chance to experience it yet,
(08:25):
well you're missing out. And of course, when that's the
way that you're made to feel, you want it even
more as the saying goes, You know, humans want what
they can't have, and so it's not uncommon to feel
maybe jealous or envious or frustrated even at your coupled friends,
or to sometimes yeah, believe that your life would be
(08:48):
so much better and you'd finally be happier if it
would just finally happen for you. So there's a great
deal of longing, and there's also a great deal of insecurity,
which is totally not It also certainly doesn't help that
our society, oh, by gosh, do they love to single shame.
In fact, a study done at a UK university a
(09:09):
couple of years ago that I quote quite a lot,
it examined single shaming and it found that statements like oh,
you know, all the good ones will be taken soon,
or statements like you're just too picky, or being given
unsolicited advice as a single person, that's part of the
single shaming experience, and it can actually cause people to
(09:32):
rush into relationships quicker. But they found that these same
relationships end up disintegrating sooner because the person that you
pick out of desperation is probably not going to be
the right person for you. But again, there's no judgment here.
You're facing this weird catch twenty two. You feel like
you're a failure if you're alone, But if you were
(09:53):
to date just anyone in settle, you wouldn't be happy either. Tough,
really tough. I actually asked you all over on Instagram
to share your experiences with this, because I think we
can learn the most from people going through it with us,
And there was this one story that illustrated this struggle
(10:15):
very very well. This came from a listener called Chavonne
who lives in Ireland. Ireland, Ireland. Sorry my Australian accent
makes it hard to say anyways, Cheven. I'm twenty seven
and I've never been in a long term relationship, but
I feel so ready. It feels like I'm waiting until
(10:35):
I find love for my life to start. But I
don't want it to be just anyone. I'm the last
of my friends to date. Some of my friends are
even married. And for the people who don't understand what
that feels like, imagine going out with all your friends
and they all get let into an exclusive club whilst
you have to sit outside. Sometimes they'll come out of
(10:55):
the club and sit with you for a little bit,
but they always end up going back in whilst you
were never let inside. At the end of the night,
they talk about how fun it was and have all
these stories, and you're sitting there thinking I can't relate
to any of this, but I so desperately wish I could.
That's what it feels like to be the last single friend.
I switched between feeling extremely desperate and also wanting to
(11:18):
take my time. But I worry that as I get older,
I'll never get to have this experience, and I'm running
out of time. I'll never get to have those feelings,
and that makes me so beyond depressed to think about
I just want to join the club. Oh my gosh,
Chavonne that last line, I just want to join that club.
That sentence that hit me because I think we have
(11:42):
all in some capacity been there. That's such a human experience.
I remember exactly what that felt like, wanting to know
everyone's stories, wanting to know everyone's dating stories and relationship
stories so that I was prepared, but equally not wanting
them to know I couldn't participate in the conversation the
way that they were because I didn't have any of
(12:03):
those stories of my own, and feeling like everyone was
part of this secret society and I just like didn't
have access to the secrets yet. It's really really hard,
especially when it makes it hard to relate to other
people as well, and especially when you don't have other
single friends, or you don't have other late bloomer friends
who you can sometimes just like you know, relish and
(12:26):
the pity with sometimes you just want to feel shit
with someone else by your side. Let's talk about another
aspect of being a late bloomer in your twenties, and
that is virginity. Being in your twenties and not having
had sex yet can feel like there is a big
banner above your head and everyone knows, and everyone's judging you,
and you're judging you, and again the debate is between
(12:50):
do I wait or do I just get it over with?
It feels like if you didn't have sex as a teenager,
you must have been lame or uncool, or on a
train active or undesirable. And now if you were to
have sex, the person would know that you don't know
what you're doing. I'm going to say this right now.
Most people, when it comes to sex in their twenties
don't know what they're doing anyways, So you don't have
(13:12):
to worry about that. It's also important to say people
don't have sex for so many reasons, health reasons, religious reasons, asexuality,
personal choice, because they want it to be meaningful. That's
a good enough reason as any. Any of those reasons
are good reasons, plus many many more you know, I
had another DM from someone talking about how their friends
(13:34):
like the reason it was so hard to talk about
being a virgin or acknowledge it in their twenties was
because their friends would always put pressure on them on
nights out to just just get over with and they
would push her towards random guys and men and they
would go up to them and tell them that she
was a virgin, which had me like like goba smacked, gobbat,
(13:56):
I don't even have words like I'm literally speechless even
talking about that, because that is quite frankly disgusting, Like
that's disgusting. Why was it any of their business? And
why was like her virginity some fun little like party
trick that they could get drunk and like play with.
You know, I just think that's awful, and in all honesty,
(14:16):
I wish i'd waited. I'm somewhat envious of those who
have and now get to make an informed decision with
a more developed brain about when they want to have
sex with someone. You know, my first time was such
a bad experience and it definitely damaged my relationship with
sex for some time, and I remember thinking why did
(14:39):
I do that? Why did I do that with that person,
and it was because I felt like everyone else around
me was doing it and I didn't want to be
left out. I didn't want to fall behind. I didn't
want everyone else to look at me and say, well,
something's wrong with you. You're not part of the club. And
as someone who just scot it over with it was
(15:01):
a huge mistake. Choosing not to have sex or just
not having it because you haven't had it yet says
no more about your self worth than having had a
lot of sex. Honestly, we need to talk about virginity
shaming more during this decade, more during our twenties and
even in our thirties as well, because a virginity shaming,
(15:23):
much like single shaming, is so rife and b it's
just quite frankly, a weird thing to do. It's a
weird thing to shame someone for what they've chosen to
do with their body. Sometimes I do find that the
sex positivity movement has done so much incredible work for
reducing stigma around sex and having a lot of it,
(15:46):
and not too much about the stigma of not having any,
despite the fact that they are both individual choices to
do with bodily autonomy, I want to bring in another
study here, and it was a twenty twenty two study
that actually looked at the emotional consequences of virginity shaming
amongst thirty adult visions between the ages of twenty to
(16:08):
twenty nine, and it found that participants felt that virginity
shaming made it hard for them to feel like they belonged.
They felt that they weren't accepted for who they were,
and they had to justify or explain their choices when asked.
They felt more shy when it came to approaching people,
not because they were naturally shy individuals, there was no
(16:31):
correlation with introversion, only because they felt like people would
be able to tell or would judge them, and they
felt less desirable. And most of them also felt like
they were running out of time, especially the women. Essentially,
it can make us feel like everyone else is ahead
in this made up game of life and we better
(16:51):
catch up quick again, My big, big question is why
why do you need to catch up up? Just ask
yourself that one now, why what is so good about
the norm? What is so good about doing it the
way everyone else has done it? So there are some
(17:11):
other ways that we can be late bloomer. I'm not
really going to touch on them today, but in terms
of career, professional milestones, moving out of home, finding friends,
finding independence, all other valid ways. But I do really
want to focus on relationships here. I really want to
focus on being a late bloomer in love. And our
main question now is why is it so hard to
(17:32):
feel at peace with the fact that you are going
at your own pace or taking your time? Why is
that so horrible? What's with the external but also internalized
shame around being a late bloomer. Where does that come from?
Let's talk about it. I think, first of all, it
comes from this very romantic view of life whereby you
find love early on, and each step naturally leads you
(17:53):
to the next, and you've met your soulmate and you've
done everything by the age of sixteen, and you're an
adult and you're a big girl, and you never hesitate,
and you're never alone, you never doubt yourself, you never
go backwards, and everything is forward, forward, forward. That's just
not what it's honestly like when it comes to relationships
and love and figuring yourself out as well. But we've
(18:14):
been taught to embrace the linear, typical timeline and to
squeeze ourselves into the skin and life of someone who
has done it all and seemingly the right time, even
when that life is not right for us, and the
alternative to not having done it that way is a
lot of fomo, a lot of shame, a lot of sadness.
So this whole experience has another name. It's called social
(18:37):
clock theory. So social clock theory, this is the theory
you need to know if you are experiencing a lot
of late bloomer dread. It was introduced by the American
psychologist Bernice and your Garten back in the sixties, and
it basically refers to the culturally and socially constructed timeline
for achieving major life milestones like graduating, securing your career,
(19:01):
getting married, having children, having sex, all those things. Late bloomers.
Those of us who deviate from this expected timeline, they
often experience social pressure, self doubt, feeling behind because of
a social desire for conformity that they just haven't met.
And you know, there was even research back in the
(19:21):
nineties that suggests that individuals who fall outside of the
societal expectations in any of these ways, they really struggle
with comparison and with lowered self esteem, because naturally, comparison
is what a lot of this comes down to. We
are naturally comparative creatures as well, and we do want
(19:41):
to make sure we're doing it all right compared to
the average, because the alternative is that we're somehow doing
it wrong. We're not like others, we're not normal, and
we're at a higher risk of being ostracized. Now that
fear of being ostracized is a very primal one, which
is what makes it so hard to shut down. Even
if rationally you know that it's all going to be okay,
(20:02):
you're going to find love, you're going to have sex,
you're gonna do it all. You're just taking your time.
When it comes to love in particular and relationships, I
think our comparison evolves into something even harder to deal
with called shiny object syndrome. Now this is actually an
economics or like a consumer economics term, I like to
(20:22):
adapt it to be used when it comes to comparison
and wanting what we can't have. So it's not just
that we feel inadequate, it's that we are then continually
drawn and obsessed with the thing that we don't have
with this new shiny thing that everyone else has that
(20:43):
we just need to have at the expense of everything else.
It's an obsession, you know, that shiny object, this shiny
idea of love. We're so obsessed with it, we'll do
anything for it. But then when we get it, we realize, oh,
you know, this is not really all that I was
told it was going to be. This really like, yes
(21:06):
it's great, Yes it's fine, but I sacrificed so much
to get this wasn't even worth it. Why did I
feel like I was in such a rush. And it's
because of the social impact on the social drive to
fit in. Shiny object theory also explains why psychologically we
don't believe that we will be happy if we don't
(21:28):
have what everyone else has, something I'm sure many of
you can relate to. So social clock theory is a
really important one to know, and it also really links to,
of course, milestone anxiety, this increasing sense of dread as
time goes on, that you are not reaching certain milestones
(21:52):
when you should. So there was some research released in
twenty twenty two that some of you may have actually seen.
It polled around two thousand young young adults and it
asked them in terms of where everyone else sits, in
terms of what you think you should be doing, where
you think you should be Do you feel behind? I
(22:13):
want you to just mentally for me. How many of
these individuals from the age of nineteen to thirty nine,
how many of them said I feel behind? Here's your answer?
Eighty percent, Well over a majority. It really begs the question,
eighty percent. If eight out of ten of us feel behind,
(22:37):
why isn't feeling behind the norm? Why is it that
the minority of people who feel like somehow they have
it all together and have done it all correctly? Why
are they the ones who are doing it right? Surely
it seems that having a bit more fluidity and flexibility
and kind of veering off the path every now and again,
that seems like the right way to do it if
(22:58):
the majority of people are doing it that way, and again,
if I haven't said it already, who is making up
these milestones like I didn't give my input. I don't
remember being invited to a focus group. I don't remember
anyone asking me all these questions about when I had
sex for the first time and when my first relationship
(23:19):
was and putting it into a big spreadsheet to find
the average. In many, many ways, these milestones and the
ages attached to them are imaginary. It doesn't mean it
doesn't still feel hard and distressing and uncomfortable when we
don't conform. But I want you to remember it's not
(23:39):
as real and tangible as you think it is. No
one is comparing you to some factual spreadsheet that has
the exact age and number of months that you should
have completed this by. So at the end of the day,
we do still know this is difficult. What are some
of the emotional consequences of being a late bloomer in
(24:00):
this world? And what do we do about it? What
do we do about it when just getting into a relationship,
just getting out there and dating isn't really an option. Well,
we are going to talk about all of that, as
well as so so much more how to date as
a late bloomer some of the biggest anxieties that we
deal with after this shortbreak. We've already spoken about a
(24:30):
few of the consequences that we face of being a
late bloomer. One we haven't spoken about yet is shame.
If you are a late bloomer, I'm sure that shame
is a frequent emotion in your emotional talkkit. I want
to read you another story from a listener here about
the shame of not having done at all on this
(24:50):
imaginary timeline. Here we go, I'm twenty one and I
haven't even held hands romantically or had my first kiss.
There is a lot of shame surrounding this. I feel
so inexperienced, like no one will want me because I
don't know what I'm doing. I am definitely an introvert
and struggle putting myself out there. One part of me
(25:11):
has acknowledged that I'm still so young, why rush? My
time will come. I will find someone who loves me.
The other part of me continues to find that this
shame comes and goes in waves. I want to say this.
I actually asked a group of my friends at dinner
the other night. There's about fourteen of us at dinner,
some men, some women, some queer, some heterosexual. I like,
(25:33):
put it towards the table. Would you hesitate to date
someone because they were inexperienced? Not one of them said yes.
All of them says that doesn't really matter to me,
as long as we click. Some people even said, hey,
it might even be an upside might even be a
positive thing because they're not jaded, they have less baggage.
(25:54):
We get to experience this, like I feel like I
will get to experience what it feels like to fall
in love for the first time again with this person
because it's all fresh and you to them. But that
battle between trying to be hopeful and also succuming to
shame is a very common one. You gotta remember, shame
is a social emotion. No human child person, it naturally
(26:18):
comes out of the womb feeling shame. It's something that
is taught to you. It is something that you have
been made to feel. So I want you to interrogate
and really think, when was the first time I was
made to feel ashamed for this? What was that person
probably thinking? What were they projecting onto me? And why
in the world was it any of their business? Another
(26:39):
emotional consequence. Another side of this is also fear. We've
spoken about this a little bit, but what if it
never happens? What if I'd never find love? It's probably
a bit scary to even hear me say that. Right. Firstly,
I just gonna say it. It's highly unlikely, entirely unlikely.
It's gonna clear that up for you. It just hasn't
(27:01):
been your time yet doesn't mean it won't happen. And
I'm allowed to say this. I feel like I have
permission to say this because I have seen this happen
again and again and again. I have seen friends of
mine who were in their thirties and never had a
serious relationship find someone. I have seen people who are
twenty seven, twenty eight, never had sex, never had a kiss,
(27:21):
and suddenly it just all starts happening for them. It's
okay to feel afraid of that possibility. I think the
reason that we do feel particularly afraid of what it
would be like to never have that experience is because
there are very few examples of what that looks like.
You know, there are very few people out there who
are open about being a virgin at forty. There are
(27:44):
very few influencers who are fifty and have never been
in a relationship. And that means that if you're twenty
or nineteen or twenty five or twenty eight or whatever
age you are looking for some sign that you will
be okay even if it doesn't happen, you are going
to str to find one. Because the stigma likes to
keep those people silent, and so therefore you will struggle
(28:05):
to feel like it is acceptable, and the fear of
it not happening is going to be a lot bigger
to that fear. Let me also say this, eighty five
percent of our worst fear has never come true. It's
probably an even higher number. It's probably something around ninety percent.
And for the ten to fifteen percent that might come true,
studies have continuously shown that people hand all those situations,
(28:30):
the very situations they feared more than any other, way
better than they expected they would, way better than they
thought that they ever could. So even if it never happens,
what's to say you still won't have an amazing life.
You still won't be deeply happy, have love in other forms.
(28:50):
I think in order to release our shame around being
a late bloomer, we have to let go of the
fear that if things were never to change, we wouldn't
necessarily be miserable. You would be okay. You are going
to be okay. And I have seen it happen. I
just really know I've already said this, but oh my gosh,
(29:11):
I just wish I could tell you how many times
I have seen single friends of mine, find their first relationship,
start dating for the first time at thirty five or
even older, or had sex for the first time in
their late twenties, and just found that suddenly, one day,
the circumstances are perfect, the right person just walks in,
(29:32):
and because they didn't rush or settle like so many
of us, they have all the maturity and readiness to
be one hundred percent in, one hundred percent committed, and
they get to have all those experiences they've ever dreamed of.
I'll also say this, sorry, I'm not even done with
my point yet. I think the reason that you're convinced
it will never happen is because you don't know what
(29:53):
it will feel like when it does. You can only
ruminate on what you do know, which is where you
are right now, which is this situation in which it
hasn't happened yet. That is the only feeling that you
are familiar with, and so that feeling is so much
stronger than the alternative feeling of knowing what it feels
like to be in love. So always what is known,
(30:13):
what is normal, what is status quo for you, is
going to dominate over possibility, and so the voice in
your head that's saying this is what's always what it's
always going to be like, is naturally going to be
so much louder than the part of you who is saying, hey,
but look at this situation that could potentially happen. It
hasn't happened yet, there's less salience to it, there's less
(30:34):
depth to it. It feels less believable. Doesn't mean that
it is. So. With all of this in mind, I
want to talk about how we can embrace being a
late bloomer and feel more confident when dating, when putting
ourselves out there, but also more confident with taking our time.
I'm going to start this section by giving you an
(30:56):
affirmation here, and it's a quote that actually came from
Milan the movie. It's one of the most beautiful things
I've ever heard. The last flower to bloom is the
most beautiful of all, and it's normally the one that
blooms the longest, and I found that very much to
be true. There's another quote that I think accompanies this one.
(31:19):
You should never trust an elevator that rises too fast,
because it doesn't last. And the reason I think it's
necessary to bring these up is because it highlights an
important truth the slower you think you're moving through life,
the more you are actually getting to experience and take
it all in. The less you're rushing, meaning the longer
(31:41):
you get to be in the process of blooming rather
than fully blossomed, fully flowered, rather than at the final
stage of development, thinking, Oh, I got here so fast,
I didn't even get to enjoy my own evolution. Now,
I've spoken to people about this who have seemingly found
everything very very early on. We would assume, or as
(32:03):
a late bloomer, you would, it would be very easy
for you to assume that they must be really, really happy,
that they must not have any doubts about their future.
Actually it's quite the opposite. One of the sentiments. I
actually hear a lot that people, you know, they're not
very loud about because it feels strange to talk about.
But it's a sentiment I actually hear from a lot
(32:24):
of my friends who found their long term partner quite young,
and I'm talking under the age of twenty six twenty five.
A lot of them say, I wish that I got
to enjoy being single a little bit longer. I wish
that I had not rushed so fast. I wish that
I had just known it was going to happen, and
(32:46):
just let myself enjoy the single period for a longer
time with more ease. You know, the grass is always greener.
I guess I think my biggest tip is to remember
this is to remember there is absolutely no way of knowing,
no way of knowing that if it had happened any differently,
you would be any happier. But secondly, that doesn't mean
(33:07):
you don't get to grieve the early experiences that you
wish you'd had. As much as I'm trying to convince
you that it's not as important as you think, you
can take your time. It's very easy for me to
say considering that I've had them, and I know that
if you haven't, it can really feel like you've missed out.
It's okay to be sad about that, if not for
(33:28):
you right now, even if you're happy right now, it's
okay to be sad for the version of you who
really wanted it to happen. But then we have to
get focused on the future. And counter to what you
might think, just because it hasn't happened doesn't make you
any less desirable, any less attractive. You can still have
(33:49):
a really rewarding dating life and a really amazing dating life. Actually,
I'm gonna even I'm gonna bump it up, yere, you
can still have the best dating life just because it
hasn't happened yet. And I think that really means sinking
very deeply into you, know what makes you unique, and
knowing what makes you really really happy, and knowing that
(34:12):
the asset you have now is that you have greater maturity,
you're more independent, you have all these other life lessons
that other people may have neglected in their obsessive pursuit
of love. So if you're in that phase of being like,
all right, cool, I'm feeling insecure about this, but I
want to get back out there. I want you to
start by trying to cut out the rumination and do
(34:33):
things that you find interesting and that make you interesting
and that you think interesting. So I'm talking confidence through
I guess, confidence through opportunity and experience and passion. Put
yourself into group situations doing things you love. Join rollerderby,
join field hockey, join a ceramics class, get yourself around people,
(34:57):
get yourself feeling alive. Find groups that align with your
interests and insert yourself into them, show up, be present,
talk to people. Let me say this, for all the
emphasis on dating apps, the meet cute is not dead.
And I know that dating apps can feel really overwhelming
if you haven't had some of those early dating experiences.
(35:18):
You can meet people without them. Like I'm saying this
as someone who literally sometimes does advertisements for dating apps,
they are not absolutely necessary. You can still meet amazing
people face to face and maybe that's what's more comfortable
for you because you get to actually know them and
have a friendship first, which feels more authentic. So my
(35:41):
first big tip get into groups, Get into communities where
you feel aligned with people. Secondly, make a bucket list
of things that you want to do that have nothing
to do with love and sex and relationships. Sometimes I
find when this is one thing that we feel we're
missing out on or we can think about, is that
one thing. It's the shiny object syndrome. Right, my god,
(36:02):
there's this shiny thing and I'm obsessed with it, and
if I don't have it, I'm gonna die. It's gonna
be awful, I'm gonna be miserable. That's the only thing
that's gonna make me happy. Stop. No, that's a fallacy.
Your brain is trying to tell you you can be
happy doing a hell of a lot more things. So
I want you to make a bucket list of all
the things that you really want to do. To make
sure you're continuing to put time into yourself, even though
(36:24):
you feel maybe held back by being a late bloomer.
Make sure that your life is just overflowing in every
other area. I also want you to make a second
list of things that you can only do when you're
single that your future self is going to thank you
for doing it now. And let me tell you this,
(36:44):
they're gonna thank you. I did this when I was single,
and I'm so glad I did, because when you have
shared a bed with someone for like the five thousandth
night in a row, sometimes you miss being single and
in your own bed and just like getting to whatever
you want it, Like, there are actual perks to having
like that freedom and like just agency to just do
(37:08):
anything and not have to consider someone else and not
have to think about their opinion and not have to,
you know, not have to really understand that you're doing
this as a partnership and just have some fun with
your single life. I also want you to if you're
getting back into dating. Treat dating as an experiment and
take it in stages. It can feel very overwhelming to
(37:30):
go from not dating, not having anything romantic really happening
to you, to being like, oh my god, I'm on
five dates in a week and this is exhausting, and
I have to talk to all these people and I
just can't manage the emotional intensity of it. So take
it in stages. Start by just having conversations with people
you find attractive. You're allowed to talk to people you
find attractive. I was like, Oh, they don't want to
(37:52):
talk to me. Who gives a fuck? You're cool? Who cares?
Like you're a cool person. If they don't want to
talk to you, like they're an asshole, talk to them,
even if you feel judged, even if you feel embarrassed, whatever,
Who cares, that's their problem. You're a catch. You're an
absolute catch. Also, you'll be surprised by how much of
that is in your own head and how many people
(38:14):
do actually find you really interesting and fun and want
to talk to you and find you attractive. Secondly, download
the dating apps if you want, but for the first
little bit, just like people like, just engage with their profiles,
don't go out with anyone, don't do any of that
practice and flirting. I want you to just start by
liking people. I just want you to start by seeing
(38:36):
that people like you back, then start by talking to people.
Please be picky. I do not want to see you
giving likes out or swiping left right swiping yes. I
don't know which way it is anymore, swiping yes on
people who you aren't attracted to. We are not settling
in this moment. We are not saying, oh, well, you know,
(38:57):
they look like they'd accept me. They look like like
I can't be picky. I can't go for the hot ones.
I can't go for the people who seem more experienced.
None of that. We are only engaging with people on
the dating apps who we would genuinely really like to
date and think are really attractive and cool. Once you
have just started to talk to people, I want you
(39:18):
to wait for someone to ask you out. Now, normally
I would say, go and ask someone else, go and
ask someone else out, go and just like shoot your shot.
I think you deserve for someone to ask you out.
I think that you deserve to have that experience, So
wait for them. You have plenty of years to ask
other people out. If it's gonna be your first date,
(39:40):
if you're just starting out again, make them come to you.
It will make you feel confident, it will make you
feel desired, and then go on a date. Oh my gosh,
how fun. I have a whole episode on this called
how to Have Better First Dates. Genuinely, the amount of
dms and comments I get from people saying this is
how I met my partner. I use those tips and
(40:01):
suddenly I didn't feel nervous anymore, had the best first
date of my life. Now we've been dating. I love
that episode. Listen to that episode, but also remember your
main objective here is to have fun and learn things
about yourself. Dating is a lot, Meeting new people is
a lot. Sometimes you need to disconnect from the event
and the significance of it for you to really enjoy it.
(40:24):
I have a friend who she also took a while
to start dating, and when she went on those first
few dates, it was so nerve racking and she really
couldn't get up the mental barrier of it. So I
told her, I want you to think of it like
it's you're writing an article, like she's a journalist. And
I was like, you know, when you go on those dates,
you're like, yes, you're there to have the date, but
(40:45):
you're also there to like investigate, You're there to like
get information or I want you to imagine that like
you're on the state where actually you're on a TV show.
We just want some kind of cognitive distancing so you
don't just think, oh my god, it's a first date.
It's a date, and this is so intense and it
has to go well, this is just experimental for you.
Remember you're in your experimental phase. You're just getting to
(41:08):
know yourself more through this dating period. It's going to
be scary. It's going to be scary, but being scared
is actually an important part of the process. I also
want you to remember two final things. If someone is
on a date with you, if someone is talking to you,
they are doing that by choice. You know, if they
didn't want to be there, they wouldn't be there. They
(41:28):
are at the very least a little bit curious about you.
Before you start overthinking. As well, I want you to
also remember you cannot say the wrong thing to the
right person. Please please be authentically yourself. You have worked
so hard to be that way. For your entire life.
Don't give it up now just because you have this
(41:51):
potential of getting into a relationship. Let me just say this, Yes,
the right relationship is amazing. If it's the wrong relationship,
it's just a waste of your fucking time. So please
don't settle. You know, there's a twenty thirteen study that
I think of all the time when I give people
this advice. I quote it always, and it's about how
people who have an innate fear of being single actually
(42:12):
tend to settle for a whole lot less. And the
people who end up settling when they come back to
them in two years time, they are a whole lot
less happy compared to people who were also in the
experiment who stayed single for that same amount of time.
So we've got two groups of people here, the people
who settle the people who said, no, I like who
I am, I'm gonna stay this way and wait for
the right person. That group was happier. I want you
(42:35):
to be part of that group. Please do not settle
for less. Be authentic. You cannot say the wrong thing
to the right person. You will lose nothing, nothing, nothing nothing.
You only have things to gain by showing up as
your true self. I want to finish up this episode
doing two things. Firstly is I want to talk about
(42:56):
the pros of being a late bloomer, and then I
want to finish on a story. Let's quickly go through
some prose for when you're feeling shitty about your circumstances,
maybe a bit uncomfortable, upset about how it's gone so far.
If you've never been in a relationship, that shows great
strength because I bet you've had opportunities and you've chosen
(43:19):
not to settle. Even if you didn't realize you had opportunities. Unconsciously,
your brain has been like, yeah, that's not for us.
You as a late bloomer are a lot more mature,
You're a lot more intuitive. You are going to be
better at advocating for yourself in a relationship compared to
fourteen and fifteen year old you who didn't know themselves
(43:40):
as well. You can be more present in your experiences,
you can make choices that align better with who you are. Also,
it's going to feel more special, Like seriously, it's going
to feel so much more special. And you've had time
to understand your needs and your wants. That means that
(44:01):
you're less likely to make some of the stupid mistakes
that people make when they start dating and having sex
really early on, and you're going to be more grounded.
You're going to be more grounded in who you are,
what you want, and in the beauty and the magic
of your relationship. I want to finish with this story,
and I actually found this story on Reddit, but I
just think it is so wonderful. So this came from
(44:23):
a page on Reddit which was advice for late bloomers.
Here we go. I think I appreciate my wife so
much more because I missed the whole prom, homecoming, early
dating stuff early in life. My name was not written
on anyone's trapper keeper. No girl's dad had to warn
(44:44):
me to bring home their kid before eleven PM. I
missed all that. So when I dated later in my twenties,
I made sure to be the best man I could be.
Even now, I'm still trying to live up to that.
But everything just feels so much more special and important
that I think it would have felt if I'd done
all this younger. How beautiful is that? How absolutely beautiful
(45:08):
is that? And that is the tone I want to
finish this episode on. So thank you, my lovely, lovely
late bloomer listeners that say that five times, thank you
for listening. Oh my gosh, say that five times. Thank
you so much for listening. I really do appreciate you
getting here, getting this far into the episode. I hope
you feel confident at ease. I want to hear your
(45:31):
affirmations and what makes you feel better about being a
late bloomer in the comments. I know so many people
ask me for this episode, and so many people could
really gain something from your personal wisdom, So please share below.
Connect with other late bloomers. I want to hear from you.
Make sure that you are following me on Instagram at
(45:52):
that psychology podcast. I've got a book coming out soon
and there's going to be so much on there about
what that was like, and you know, fun chapters and
sneak peeks and previews and events that we've got probably
coming to your city, So I would love to connect
with you over there. I would love to hear from you.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Any
(46:12):
further contributions, and yeah, until next time, make sure you
rate us five stars. Make sure you are following you along,
and stay safe. Be kind, please, please please please be
gentle with yourself and we will talk very very soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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