May 6, 2025 • 50 mins
Why does satisfaction always feel just out of reach? You get the job, then you want the promotion. You buy the item of clothing, then the buzz wears off. There is always something MORE on the horizon. In today’s episode, we explore the psychology behind our constant craving for more - more success, more validation, more things - and why what we already have never feels like enough. Things we discuss:
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Why your brain is wired for "more, more, more
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The Hedonic Treadmill
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The problem with "when...then" thinking
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The success void that follows meeting our goals
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The guilt spiral
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Capitalism, consumerism, and curated online lives
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What real, sustainable happiness looks like
If you’ve ever thought “I should be happy…so why am I not?”—this episode is for you. Listen now!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hell, everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
(00:03):
the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, Wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here
back for another episode as we, of course break down
the psychology of our twenties. First and foremost, I want
to thank you all so much for the overwhelming love
and support you have had for my book, Person in Progress.
(00:26):
As I am recording this, the book has been out
for just under a week, and the messages and dms
I've received, the pictures from people who have found it
in Germany, in Singapore, in New York, in Romania, has
truly made every single moment since so unbelievably special. You know,
(00:51):
you put a lot of love into a book, and
this being my first one, I have to admit I
wasn't really sure how it was going to turn out,
you know, I will happily admit that I was very,
very afraid, and the day it came out was actually
very anticlimactic but also quite stressful. So hearing from you
(01:12):
all now that it's out in the world, seeing you
guys with your copies, it really has been the best
part of this and it's made it also just so
worth it. It's made it like a thing of dreams. Really,
it's just it's unbelievable. If you still haven't gotten a copy,
it is available wherever you get your books on audible, kindle,
(01:33):
in hard copy from a bookstore. It is the easiest
and most direct way to support me in the podcast.
So I appreciate every single one of you who has
bought it, reviewed it, spoken about it with friends, colleagues, family.
It truly does all add up now to the episode.
(01:53):
I know we were just speaking about something, you know,
remarkably happy and positive, but this episode is tackling some
that's somewhat adjacent maybe, but also a bit different. It's
something a lot of us struggle with silently, and that
is an inability to be happy with what we have,
that sense that something is always missing, the itch that
(02:14):
won't go away. You know, you get the job and
then you want a promotion, You move into a new house,
and then suddenly you're looking for something even better or
thinking about what's not right with it. You get into
a relationship, and yet there's still that lingering thought, is
there something better out there for me? Is this it?
If you are haunted by this type of thinking, you've
(02:37):
probably found that it applies to nearly everything in your life.
So many of us live in this in between space
right there, space between where we are and where we
think we should be, and that gap it often feels
like failure. Even if we've achieved so much, we end
(02:58):
up living by this more more and more mentality I've
spoken about before. You know, once we have what we want,
all we can think about is what we don't, meaning
the bar is always being raised, we always want more.
We never appreciate how far we've come, so we repeatedly
undervalue our progress, and our happiness is the price we pay.
(03:20):
I think this is also particularly conbounded by the upheaval
of being in our twenties, where it feels like we're
in competition with everyone around us. What do they have
that I don't? Why do they seem so much happier?
Why does their life seem more together? How can I
have that? How can I be like them? How can
I feel more secure? The answer is we will never
(03:42):
feel secure if we don't first understand what is driving
this constant sense of dissatisfaction. And you know what the solution.
It's more than just gratitude. It's something that goes a
whole lot deeper. It's probably going to surprise a few
of you actually, so my friends, I am excited to
explore this psychology with you. Some of you may also
(04:06):
know I have a podcast called Mantra, and we did
a more philosophical take on this episode over there. If
you finish this and you want more. Mantra is like
the psychology of your twenties, soulful sister, part meditation, part inspirational.
Each week we give you a new mantra to focus
(04:26):
your attention on for the week ahead. Like some of
the recent ones we've done are, I release the need
to do it all. I trust myself to make the
best decision with what I know now so many more.
It's just like the most fabulous way to start your week,
So don't forget to check it out after that. But
without further ado, let's talk about why we never seem
(04:48):
to be happy with what we have. I want to
explain the feeling of never being happy with what we
have first here because I really want to wat toiculate
how this feels in your body, in your thoughts, how
it looks in your day to day life, Because if
you haven't already suspected. This feeling sounds a lot like,
(05:10):
you know, good old fashioned depression, but it is different.
This contentment, happiness, treadmill as I call it, this constant
pursuit of more. It's not a clinical label. You're not
being happy with what you have is not really something
that you can be diagnosed with in the way that
you could be diagnosed with a mental health disorder, but
(05:34):
it may be a symptom of something larger. So to
be diagnosed with a major depressive disorder, you do have
to meet a number of specific criteria or exhibit a
number of symptoms. A lack of satisfaction with what we
have is probably going to contribute to a number of these,
but it's not a symptom on its own. Depression, you know,
(05:56):
it can make even the most remarkable moments bland because
of a deeper number of reactions and interactions going on
below the surface. So an inability to be happy with
what you have may be symptomatic of that. But you
can also struggle with this and constantly crave more success,
more accolades, more friends, more of whatever it is, whilst
(06:17):
not being depressed, whilst still feeling generally kind of happy,
still being able to concentrate, not suffering from insomnia, fatigue,
these kinds of things. The problem really occurs when this
spirals and the dissatisfaction is all you seem to be
able to focus on all day, every day. The losses,
(06:39):
the failures, they become the fixation for you. So there
is this theory called the fifty to fifty principle, which
essentially suggests that for every emotion or positive experience we have,
there will be an equal experience or emotion that will
be negative. So you get a promotion, your car gets towed,
(07:02):
you get a free coffee, you stub your toe, you
go on a great first date, you forget about your
really expensive electricity bill, quickly reflect on your last week.
For me, here, I feel like that balance is pretty accurate.
Sometimes you have months that are more negative. Sometimes it
(07:22):
makes up for it and you have months that are
more positive. But it always comes back to the fifty
to fifty. When we are struggling with being happy with
what we have, this theory would essentially suggest that it's
not because nothing good or amazing is happening, but that
we're focusing too much on the negative experience that are
(07:43):
always going to occur. Or we forget to appreciate what
is good, and therefore we start seeing things that are
actually positive as a letdown, because perhaps our expectations for
the fifty percent that is good in our life is
just too high. So, returning to what I was saying before,
what does this headspace of never being happy with what
(08:04):
we have looked like? Well, Firstly, often what it's going
to manifest as is obsessive future planning and a real
difficulty staying present. This is also known as when then thinking.
So when I get this, then I'll be happy. When
I get the job, when I get the partner, when
I get the shiny new object. This has another name.
(08:26):
It's called the arrival fallacy. When I arrive at this
arbitrary point, I will be static. My life will make sense.
That point, of course, though, always keeps moving. You know
how many of us are constantly waiting for something, and
waiting so intently we kind of forget that the chapter
(08:47):
we're in now is just as sweet, it's just as important.
Sometimes you really have to question, like, what is enough
for me? What is this secret, you know, secret doorway
that I will one day walk through through that will
make me finally happy objectively, when we are experiencing a
(09:07):
severe lack of basic needs, getting certain things like job security,
more income, stable shelter, you know that's certainly going to
increase our happiness levels. The happiness jump between having very
little to having enough to sustain you and then having
enough to be comfortable, those jumps are very very large.
(09:30):
But once you are comfortable from there, we really don't
realize how minor and incremental the change to our happiness
level will be. But we place so much pressure on
what are actually really small changes to transform our lives
when we already have you know, actually so much. You
may also find that you know, when you do achieve
(09:52):
the big things that you previously told yourself would be
enough for you, you still feel quite empty. I think
this is actually the biggest indicator of them all. You say,
you know, when I graduate from university, then my life
is going to start. And then you walk across the stage.
Nothing really changes. You finally get into the relationship, but
(10:13):
you find that you know, even the most perfect person
isn't going to eliminate all other struggles in your life.
Another indicator that you're not happy with what you have
envy or jealousy towards the people you perceive have it all,
and with that probably also some frustration and self hatred.
(10:35):
You know, that heavy feeling in your body, that battle
between you know, feeling envious of someone else and then
trying to rein it in and control your ego, and
then feeling envious and being like, why am I thinking
this way? I'm so such a bad person. But you
can't stop it. Then you feel guilty. It's just a
constant spiral, persistent restlessness. Now, this can manifest in a
(10:58):
lot of things. Freak went, job or relationship hopping, even
constantly moving cities, countries, anything to find the place, the person,
the thing that could finally, you know, change everything for you.
This is a common thing we see in our twenties. Right. Honestly,
I'm guilty of it. I moved to Sydney after a
(11:21):
breakup because I thought it would change my life, and
trust me, it did not have that immediate effect. In fact,
it probably made it harder in the first year, the
geographic cure. Once I moved to this place, I'll be
happy if I just pick up everything and move cities.
My whole life will change and I'll forget about all
(11:41):
these issues. The geographic cure is a myth. To offer
you some evidence of this. In one study in twenty twelve,
the researcher David Kahnman asked a group of individuals living
in one part of the US, specifically the Midwest, do
you think people living in southern California are happier? The
(12:02):
majority of them were like, yeah, of course they are.
It's beautiful that sonny, who wouldn't be happier there? He
then asked, do you think you'd be happier if you
moved there? A majority of them said yes they would.
But when he actually compared life satisfaction scores between the
two cities, he found that they were nearly identical. So
(12:26):
all these individuals in the Midwest, and you could replace
the Midwest with really any country, any city. There's always
going to be this beautiful, romanticized city that we think
when we moved to it will change our lives and
everyone there as happy and thriving. But what he found
was that actually it doesn't really change much. It's nearly identical.
(12:48):
Location isn't the thing that is going to change your life.
It's the perception of your life or the perception of
the place that does that. Another study from twenty sixteen,
this time in the UK, found something very similar, but
it also found that moving cities actually makes you more stressed,
more detached, more lonely. So a warning to anyone in
(13:11):
their twenties right now, I'm talking to you. If you
think a sudden move is going to finally make you happier,
the story is a lot more complex. A fe you
other science here that you're struggling to find happiness with
what you have, no matter how much you receive or achieve.
You can tastriphize small setbacks. You can be quite impulsive,
(13:32):
especially with money. You over consume lifestyle content that is
idealistic and romanticized. You may spend more time online shopping
or scrolling dating apps, and your mood is seemingly linked
to your external accomplishments and what you have, rather than
your internal sense of satisfaction. So if this sounds like you,
(13:54):
I want to explain why this may be happening, because
it can be seriously confronting, especially when we to perhaps realize, wait,
you know, what would I need to finally be content?
And if I don't get that, will I ever be happy?
Is there a final destination? A final spot I wish
to be does that even exist? So essentially, when we
(14:18):
have this more and more more mindset, when we can't
be happy with what we have, what is occurring is
something called hedonic adaptation. It's also called the hedonism treadmill.
So this was first given given a name in the
nineteen seventies by two Canadian researchers Brickman and Campbell. And
what they found is that humans, no matter what's happening
in their life, you know, they could win a Grammy,
(14:40):
they could marry the love of their life. They could
also lose the love of their life, could lose everything,
we will still typically return to a fairly stable baseline
level of happiness that seems to be largely predetermined regardless
of what is happening around us. Now, this is specifically
the case, or especially the case, I should say, with
(15:02):
really happy positive events. You know, you land your dream job,
but that the ecstasy of that doesn't last that long.
You know, it's not long until you start to notice
the downsides, or you get into a relationship and it's
amazing and thrilling until the novelty wears off, and then
you kind of return back to that stable level This
(15:22):
is basically our brain's way of maintaining emotional balance, but
it also means that we rarely feel happy and satisfied
for long. The big things we think will change our life,
they actually don't end up changing that much in the
long term, but because we expect that they will, we
also equally feel even more let down. The psychologist Sonya Lubemeski,
(15:46):
she wrote the book The Myth of Happiness, She added
onto this research, and she discovered that only around ten
percent of our happiness comes from external circumstances, only ten percent,
around forty percent comes from attitude and your intentional mindset.
Fifty percent is actually genetically determined. Yet that ten percent,
(16:12):
that is where we put most of our focus on.
We think, if I just had this one more thing,
I'd finally feel whole. If I just achieved this, I'd
finally be happy. Once we get to it, we recalibrate
the happiness we expect it doesn't last. That's hedonic adaptation
at work. We're always resetting the bar. Basically, what I'm
trying to say through this is it's not you, it's
(16:34):
your human blueprint. Trying to kind of almost humble us.
It seems our brain chemistry also plays a major role.
Of course, if we're going to talk about happiness, at
some stage, we're going to talk about dopamine. Dopamine, it's
not just the happiness chemical, it's the neurotransmitter associated with motivation, reward,
and pleasure. But here's the thing that most of us
(16:57):
don't know about dopamine. And I don't think I even
ended up learning about this until I was in my
third year of studying psychology. Your dopamine doesn't spike when
you get the reward, but in anticipation of it. I
was always told, you know, when you eat a chocolate bar,
it makes you happy. When you do this, it makes
you happy. It's the anticipation of it that makes you
(17:21):
feel happy and the relief of finally getting it. So
when you're fantasizing about the next big thing, your brain
floods with dopamine. You feel excited, you feel hopeful, you
feel a life. You know, think about the excitement before
a first date or a big overseas trip. But once
you actually get it, the dopamine drop off from that
(17:43):
leaves you feeling flat, even disappointed. It's why people, you know,
they go to their dream destinations. They go to Paris,
they go to Thailand, they go to Rome, and they're like,
I'm kind of disappointed. It's not what Matt, not what
my expectations were, or their wedding day or a big milestone.
You know, maybe they don't end up leaving that feeling
(18:05):
as happy as they thought they would. But this explains
why we feel addicted to the act of setting very
huge goals but not necessarily fulfilled when we get the thing.
We're not actually addicted to achievement. We're addicted to the
feeling of almost This can lead to something I call
a success hangover. It's also known as gold medal syndrome.
(18:27):
For a more formal name you'd find in a psychology textbook.
Gold Medal syndrome, of course, named after Olympians who work
their entire freaking lives for one moment for a gold medal,
and then they get it and they're like, oh, this
is it, this is all I ever wanted. Now, what
(18:51):
what do I do after this? Every single you know,
the Olympics were when I'm recording this last year, every
single time the Olympics, and I'm always reminded of this,
and I always see people who have worked probably since
they were three four years old, finally achieve their dreams
and I'm like, oh my god, that's when that's when
the real work begins. That's when the real struggle happens,
(19:15):
because now you have to redefine yourself after getting everything
you've ever wanted, but also perhaps realizing, you know, you
have to fantasize about how amazing it would be in
order to get to this place. It might not meet
those expectations. And you know what, you don't have to
win a gold medal to experience this. Let me give
(19:35):
you one final explanation for why we are never happy
with what we have, and we kind of talked about
it before, but it's something called the negativity bias. So
this is a cognitive bias that we have as humans
in which we constantly focus on the negative parts of life,
(19:55):
some of us more than others. If you're quite pessimistic,
you'd also be doing this. Even optimism doesn't necessarily protect
us from this. Yes, there are some people who are,
you know, crazily optimistic and who perhaps don't see the
world in a negative like. Those people are quite rare.
Most of us will find that we spend a lot
(20:17):
more time thinking about the little frustrations, the things that
went wrong, the things that are stressing us out, then
the things that are making us feel joyful, then the
things that we are happy and proud of, then the
things that make our life feel quite meaningful. I know
I do this. I literally released a book a week ago,
(20:37):
and you know when I spent the whole morning thinking of,
Oh my god, I'm so busy, I have so many chores,
this and that. You know, the microphone wasn't working this morning,
blah blah blah blah blah, and it's all I thought about, Like,
and I realized, oh my goodness, Like this negativity bias
is exhausting, but it's also something that we can sometimes
(20:58):
struggle to manage because it's how we're hardwired to think.
Let's talk about this from a survival perspective. Back in
the day, we're roaming the Sahara, we're roaming the mountains,
the jungle. You need to focus more on what is
potentially threatening, dangerous, scary if you want to survive, then
watching the sunset, looking at the beautiful berries, the beautiful flowers,
(21:21):
the beautiful butterflies. In a modern society, though, that's no
longer as protective as it was back then. Now it's
actually just I'm just gonna say it, it's a letdown.
It's so annoying, so annoying, you know, when it comes
to never being happy with what we have. We can
also look at things like comparison, We can look at
(21:43):
things like boredom. We could, you know, investigate the society
or emphasis or materialism. I feel like these are things
that we talk about a lot though, and that we
kind of have a grasp on. So I kind of
wanted to explore perhaps some different explanations that may not
be top of mind for you as you're kind of
(22:04):
battling this constant need for more, this constant need to achieve,
this constant sense of dissatisfaction with what you have, even
if it's what you know, a path version of yourself
could only have ever dreamed of. So we are going
to take a short break. But when we return, let's
talk the consequences of this. Let's also talk the solution,
(22:26):
because it's probably a little bit different to what you're expecting.
Stay tuned. So what exactly are the consequences of this
if it isn't already obvious. Well, the first big one
is that, well, obviously you're unhappy all the time, which
(22:47):
you know isn't really great, is not how we want
to live our lives. The second, though, is extreme guilt,
guilt around the fact that you are unhappy without being
able to change the fact that you're unhappy because you
feel too guilty about it. Now. I think this is
especially the case if you can recognize that actually you
(23:09):
do have quite a lot, and that there is a
lot for you to be grateful for, and you know
you have all these things that people themselves admire and
are seeking, but you just can't feel good about it.
That's a hard one because rationally, you know you have
a reason to be happy, but somewhere deep down you
can't be and that's going to create these sensations of
(23:34):
frustration with yourself, but also the sense that like, I'm
not grateful enough, and so I must be a bad person.
I must be a bad person for not being able
to appreciate this. I think sometimes as well, I have
this sense that if I don't feel incredibly grateful and
happy about what I have, somehow that's going to mean
(23:55):
it's taken away from me. Kind of like I'm an
ungrateful child. I don't know. I don't know if anyone
else feels this way, but I remember being a kid
and opening like a president at Christmas and I was like, oh,
what is this? And I was like not grateful for it,
and like my granddad like took it away. I was like, well,
if you're not grateful for things they like, you don't
(24:16):
deserve them. And now as an adult, I'm like, wow,
that really stuck with me. Like, if I don't feel
happy about everything I have, I feel extreme guilt because
I know someone is doing it a whole lot worse.
But also then I feel a lot of fear that
it's somehow, this like cosmic power is going to come
down and take it away from me, you know, God,
(24:38):
the universe, something. It also results in a lot of
burnout and perfectionism, procrastination three horsemen of the productivity apocalypse.
If you're constantly pushing yourself for more, if you're constantly
raising the bars, setting a new milestone, landmark, setting some
(24:59):
new goal, the thing is is that it's going to
start feeling more and more like a race, and it's
going to start having a deeper sense of urgency because
your happiness is at stake here, and you're going to
push and push and push yourself until something has to give.
But for you, even when it does give, it's probably
(25:21):
not an option for you to rest. It's not an
option for you to reevaluate, because you have tied so
much of your life satisfaction to the fulfillment of goals
rather than to the experience of existing. And it's something
I see a lot of people suffer from. Now. The
more you find yourself in this cycle as well, the
(25:43):
more pessimistic you actually become about the world. You know,
you're constantly raising the bar. Perhaps you are meeting the
bar and then of course raising it, but you are
achieving certain things and you're still feeling unhappy, and you
start to then spire and think, well, if this doesn't
do it, what is If I finally have this thing
(26:07):
and this wasn't it at some stage there's not going
to be anything more, or at some stage there's going
to be a goal I can't reach, I can't meet.
Does that mean I'm going to be in a perpetual
state of misery. It's a pretty big question to ask yourself,
and it's one that's pretty hard to answer and will
probably lead to quite a lot of sadness. So let's
(26:30):
talk about the solution. I took you low there, I
took you to a low point. Let's take us back
to the high point. Gratitude is often the solution people
will offer you, and it is a pretty brilliant one.
You know. It is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness.
Many studies, including one from I think it was UC Berkeley,
found that gratitude can actually physically alter your brain and
(26:53):
neural connections, which is just insanely spectacular. In another study,
the same university, University California, Berkeley, recruited three hundred participants
and asked one third of them to write gratitude letters,
one third to write about their deepest thoughts and feelings,
and another they didn't ask them to write anything, and
they did find that those who wrote gratitude letters they
(27:17):
were significantly happier four weeks and twelve weeks after this
exercise had ended. So those results really do just speak
for themselves. But I have also found that sometimes I
do need to go deeper to get myself out of
this funk. It's not to discredit gratitude as an important practice,
and of course I think that is the first step
(27:37):
to addressing this. If it doesn't work, though, what's really
helped me get to that next level is actually accepting
and in fact celebrating negative emotions as much as I
do positive ones, which sounds counterintuitive, but let me give
you my word here. Let me promise you it works.
(27:59):
And it's the same principle behind acceptance and commitment therapy,
a very common kind of therapy which invites people to
open their door to unpleasant feelings instead of feeling trapped
by them. Why do we feel so trapped by being unhappy?
You know, it doesn't feel great, but really, what's if
we were to look that feeling in the eye, would
it really be able to hurt us? You know it's
(28:20):
kind of counterintuitive, right, Unpleasant emotions equal bad. We run
away from unpleasant smells, sits tastes, but here we're meant
to run towards it. Well, yeah, and it works because
half the reason unpleasant uncomfortable emotions feel so bad is
because A we're scared of them, and that fear makes
(28:42):
up more of the unpleasantness than the actual emotion does.
And B when we avoid them, we don't develop the
strategies to sit with negative emotions when they do occur,
which means that when they break through the internal walls
that we put up, which they will eventually, they feel
even stronger and worse, and that reinforces this initial appraisal
(29:04):
and belief that they are bad. Here's the thing, and
I'm going to say it again, why do we view
not being happy all the time is a terrible thing?
You're sure it doesn't feel amazing when it's all the time.
When it comes to not being able to appreciate hard
earned successes, it is pretty exhausting. But happiness is not
the only important emotion. Sadness, nostalgia, boredom, confusion, disgust, entransmit, surprise, relief, romance.
(29:33):
They are all so beautiful. They're like our mind's children.
They each serve such an important purpose. So I need
you to lean into experiencing every emotion. Be curious about it.
Think of your life as a very rich tapestry. You know,
if you were happy all the time, that would mean
(29:53):
that the tapestry is just one color. Let's say it's
just yellow. It's fine yellow as a beautiful color. We
want blues, we want reds, purples, greens, every hue, to
make it interesting, to make life interesting, to make that
tapestry you know, something that's fun to look at. I
have found and this is the easiest way to gain
(30:14):
deeper appreciation for the small things, which is really what
we're after here, not just the big things. That when
you do appreciate and lean into unhappiness, sadness, disappointment and
you really like make it an experience for you, you
get better at noticing happiness because all of your energy
(30:34):
isn't going towards making sure happiness isn't the only flavor
or color. I think that's really really important here. When
we struggle with never being happy with what we have,
I think it's because we believe somehow that we need
to always be happy, that we need to always feel fulfilled,
and that's why we are let down by the lack
(30:56):
of satisfaction that sometimes comes from the big things. Now
I introduced a caveat before about that success hangover we've
spoken about. I think this has another kind of cure,
and that is to name your enough point. And I
want to restate that because I know I mentioned it before,
but I want it to have its own segment in
(31:16):
this section. Before you set a goal. Before you decide
that something is worthy of achieving or something that you
want to work towards, I want you to seriously ask
yourself what would enough look like for you? Define it
before your brain moves the goalpost. Write it down? Please
(31:40):
for me? What is enough for you? What is enough money?
What are enough friends? What is enough in a relationship?
What is enough in your career? What is enough just
for right now? Like obviously it will evolve as you
get older, but at some point I need you to
sit in a knowledge that you have come very very
(32:02):
far and that you have achieved many, many beautiful things.
A really beautiful exercise for me, and it's one that
made me so emotional recently with the book and everything.
Was just thinking if I could have a one on
one conversation with my childhood self, what would I tell
them and what would they just be so ecstatic by?
(32:23):
And how would they view me? And what are the
things that they would just never believe? Even my teenage self,
there is something that you have completed and done and
succeeded at that a younger version of you would just
be like gob smacked by. Keep those small achievements that
sometimes we don't even appreciate in the moment at the
(32:45):
center of your mind. Put them somewhere where you can
think about them, read them, view them. Because I don't
want us to be I don't want us to be
in the game of forgetting, because we're constantly trying to
push ourselves further. Sometimes I think that there is this
fear of being happy because we think that, well, if
(33:08):
I was happy, I wouldn't be able to push myself anymore.
I think it's particularly common amongst high achievers, people who
really push themselves. There's this cruel thing that we've realized
at some stage that if you dislike yourself and if
you are dissatisfied, perpetually in a state of dissatisfaction, well,
(33:30):
then you're constantly going to be in a state of
trying to get out of that state, Right Like, if
you are unhappy, if you are trying to prove something
that's great motivation for you. Being happy and content, well,
we think sometimes that would mean that we would become lazy.
(33:50):
That's not true. I'm a study that found that people
who are more fulfilled, content and satisfied with their life
are actually almost twenty seven percent more productive in their
day to day lives, so it's not something to be
afraid of. You're not going to lose your motivation, You're
not going to lose your efficiency and your productive edge.
(34:12):
Another thing that's been very very helpful for me and
for other people that I've spoken to as well when
dealing with this happiness conundrum is to start a weird ritual.
Instead of constantly focusing on what you could have and
what you could achieve, start something that has nothing to
do with any of those things. I heard about this
recently from the author Michael Norton, who wrote the book
(34:35):
The Ritual Effect, and essentially what he says is that
when you focus on something other than what you want
or what you have, and instead focus on something that
you can do and can enjoy, our lives get significantly better.
Some of the ideas for a ritual he had, and
this is my favorite, one was to do mini versions
(34:56):
of what you would do on a vacation. So go
to the local pool, make yourself like a budget version
of that holiday cocktail you loved. Commit to maybe doing
a touristy thing in your city each weekend. All you
can get into the ritual of hosting an event once
a month for friends. I do this, It's amazing. One
of my friends I've seen this on TikTok does like
(35:18):
a coffee shop in her house once a month. I
do like a game's art themed night once a month.
You know, you just need to get involved in the
act of doing rather than achieving. You know who some
of the happiest and most content people are in the world.
It's those who are grounded in doing rather than having
(35:41):
one group. I always think of hobbyists, not professionals, not
competitive hobbyists, just hobbyists. People who like bird watching, people
who like like reading, rock climbers like what's another one,
like cyclists, like those people seem so happy because they
just enjoy doing something that gets them out of their mind,
(36:05):
and that there is very limited competition in especially if
you're just doing it for the joy of it, doing
it for their own sense of love and attachment and
excitement with the thing. So if you are struggling with
this happiness treadmill, you're not happy with what you have,
You're constantly looking for more. I need you to take
(36:28):
a step back right now. I need you to take
a step back. Survey your life. When was the last
time you did something just for the joy of it. Seriously,
ask yourself, when was the last time you looked at
your to do list and said, I'm not going to
do any of that today. I'm actually going to go
and do something fun, something I want to do. Maybe
(36:50):
that's your ritual, a day of no to do lists,
a day a week where there is nothing planned. You
just get to dilly Dali, Dilly dali and and dordal
and explore and experience. Okay, we're going to take another
short break, but when we return, I want to talk
about some of the amazing listener questions that you guys
(37:12):
had on this topic, so stay tuned. Okay, it's time
for everyone's favorite segment, our listener questions. This first question,
which I love and which we haven't spoken about very
much at all in this topic so far, is what
(37:32):
is the impact of consumerism? A huge, huge point that
I'm so glad you brought up so I didn't accidentally
miss it. I blame consumerism for quite a bit of this,
specifically when it comes to not being happy with obviously
material goods. The current climate that we live in, the
(37:56):
current society that we live in, is obsess with quantity
and with having more and with displaying wealth through the
new shiny object, the new trending item, the new viral item.
This is gonnas maybe upset some people, but oh my gosh,
(38:16):
the thing that always frustrates me whenever I'm on Instagram
or TikTok is people who are like, you need this
viral dress in every single color, You need this new item,
like here's my you know, insane clothing hale. Let's refresh
my apartment for Easter or for spring, and go and
(38:38):
buy all this new stuff, like here's this Life Janney product.
I'm like, oh my goodness, you don't need that. You
don't need these things, Like I'm sure it makes these
people very, very happy. But like we said at the beginning,
consuming too much of that content is what can contribute
to struggling to be happy with what you have, because
(39:00):
there's constantly going to be someone who has more. And
there's also, given that social media is now a job,
this person is trying and a lot of individuals online
are trying to get you to buy these things and
trying to sell you something, if not directly indirectly through
(39:21):
themselves as a brand. Let me just say this, we
definitely don't need as much as is being sold to us,
and if you're not careful enough, you will end up
buying into this narrative that having this item, having this
new thing is going to make you happy, leaning to
(39:42):
perpetual dissatisfaction. You know, consumer culture is built on the
idea that what we currently own or experience isn't enough,
and that buying something will make us happier. It's how
impulse spending, chronic overspending, chronic shopping addictions occur, its identity
(40:03):
in the pursuit of happiness through possessions, equating what we
have to how we should be feeling. So I think
there is definitely a large intersection between consumerist culture and
also dissatisfaction and not being happy with what you have.
(40:25):
This next question has to do with body image. So
if there's something this is something that you're sensitive to,
skip ahead a couple of minutes. But how does never
being happy with what we have tie into physical appearance?
This is a component we haven't spoken about yet. But
never being happy with what we have doesn't just come
down to achievements or material possessions. It can also come
(40:47):
down to how we perceive ourselves and how we perceive
our bodies. This is again, I think, symptomatic of the
society we live in. The idea of the perfect body
is constantly changing. And yeah, we are expected to mold
our appearance into whatever shape, form, size, image that it's
(41:07):
meant to be. Right now, that's not possible, you know.
Think about it, like you cannot add height, add inches,
immediately take off thirty killers and then put it back
on when it comes back in style, Like our bodies
are becoming these, you know, becoming just something that is
only made to be viewed and made to be shaped
(41:31):
and formed and molded into a trend. And it's not
our fault for buying into it, because when you meet
the trend, it feels like you're doing something right. It
feels like you'll be praised more, people will think you're beautiful.
Perhaps you'll you know, experience a bit of pretty privilege
some perks who doesn't want that. But this is a
(41:52):
reminder that, again, your body is not a trend. And
if you're struggling with being happy with your appearance and
just being happy with and content with where you are now,
I think it's time to probably tune out some of
those some of the sources of this lack of satisfaction.
(42:14):
I'm just going to say it, Unfollow the Kardashians please
and thank you. They are such a so representative of this.
But also unfollow certain pages, Instagram feeds, tiktoks, block content
that is going to make you feel like you need
to opt into this and remember to add some realism
(42:37):
into what you're consuming. Filters and the technology we have
nowadays mean that the person who's filming or you know,
displaying this video probably doesn't even look like that the themselves.
And also even if they do, someone else's beauty does
not mean that you don't have beauty as well. You know,
(42:57):
there's not like objectively, one flower that is the most beautiful,
or one dog or one cat or one horse that
is the most beautiful. And because they're beautiful, it means
that nothing else, and no one else to, no other
option has value like this all or nothing thinking when
it comes to beauty, specifically, someone else's appearance can get
(43:21):
us into a lot of trouble. Obviously this I need
a lot more time to talk about this, but I
do think that it's important to point out that this
definitely applies. We could even talk about body dysmorphia here,
but I did a whole episode on that. If this
specific intersection between never being happy with what you have
and physical appearance is calling to you and something you
(43:43):
want to hear about, listen to the body Dysmorphia episode.
All Right, this next question, how do I stop treating
life as a checklist and feeling like if I'm not
taking things off the list, I am not allowed to
be happy? Gosh, is this not the biggest question that
so many of us face in our twenties. I was
talking to someone about this at a book event the
other day, and I was like, Wow, it just feels
(44:04):
like every single one of us is running out of
time to do the millions of different things that people
have told we need to do in our twenties, when
actually some of them are not even compatible. It's like, well,
you need to do solo travel. You need to solo travel,
but you also should have kids before you turn thirty,
and you need to date around and experience like different
(44:27):
kinds of love. But also you should have a partner,
and you need to figure out your career and have
a stable career progression, but also let loose a little
bit the checklist. Oh my god, it's so intense. Sometimes,
what I will say is this, the best thing you
can do for yourself is just to choose something you
(44:47):
really want to do and pursue it, and to just
find a way to incorporate experiences you actually want to
have along the way. Don't get too caught up in
what everyone else is doing and whether that's going to
make you happy. Trust your intuition. There are certain things
that probably won't make you happy and that you probably
(45:08):
can skip over, And for the things that you might
actually really think that you'll enjoy, you have time to
experience them. Our twenties are not the only decade in
which we have time, space, energy resources to do the
things we want to do. In fact, to the older
we get we probably will be making more money, we
(45:30):
will probably have more flexibility when it comes to checking
off some important bucket list items for ourselves. So just
because you are not where you are right now, just
because you haven't done everything that you've wanted to do
this far, doesn't mean it's not going to happen. If
you checked everything off the checklist now before your life
(45:50):
has even really begun, what's there left to do? It's
important to actually take your time appreciate the journey. Al Right,
we have time for one via question. How does never
being happy with what we have relate to tall poppy syndrome?
Just tall poppy syndrome come into play. So this is
an Australian phrase. For my non Australian listeners, it's one
(46:13):
of my favorite phrases. Essentially, what it means is that
the tallest flowers are the ones that are cut down
first when someone is going to make a bouquet, when
someone wants some fresh flowers, they're going to choose the
ones that stick out. So when it comes to human
beings or people, if you are too open and honest
(46:36):
and brash with your success and your accomplishments, you're going
to be cut down. You're going to stick out from
the herd. You're going to be taken down for that.
It's a huge thing in Australia. It's probably a big
thing in other countries that just might have other terms.
I think this comes into play with never being happy
with what you have because sometimes you're taught to downplay
(46:57):
your successes and downplay you're a cheap to not piss
people off. You know, there is a fine line to
walk here between humility and also confidence and being like,
you know what, I really I am cool and I
do cool things, and I am proud of myself. Tall
(47:17):
poppy syndrome can make you feel like I need to
be small for other people's sake, but also to protect myself.
What I say to this is that personal acknowledgment and
personal pride and what you're doing goes a long way.
I also, and you know what I'm going to say it,
(47:39):
you can brag about yourself, brag a little. It's okay.
The people who really support you will be so proud
of you. Anytime one of my friends comes with me
with good news or what they think is a brag,
I'm so frickin pumped for them. Being proud of yourself
openly is such a good litmus test for understanding who
(48:03):
is really on your side and who sees your achievements
and your accomplishments and the cool things you're doing as
a win for them because they get to be in
your presence. So I don't think it's arrogant to sometimes
just say I work really hard, I do cool stuff,
I'm creative, I'm kind, I'm generous. That's not ego. That's
(48:24):
confidence and I think there's time. There's a time and
a place for it, and if we always suppress everything
and keep it hidden, perhaps we will fall into this
dissatisfaction trap or that success void that we were speaking about. Well,
my lovely listeners, I think that is truly all we
have time for today. We have covered oh so much
(48:47):
and I hope you enjoyed this episode. Make sure to
check out my book Person and Progress, and check out
the companion episode to this episode on Matra. It's titled
I Allow Myself to be happy with what I have.
If you want more affirmations and more inspiration to commit
to just being satisfied with the little things and with
(49:10):
what you've achieved so far, I feel like that episode
is going to be amazing for that. If you have
further episode suggestions, we are always on the hunt for
great ideas, feel free to dm me on Instagram. At
that Psychology podcast, we also post a listener question box
once a week for upcoming episodes, which is where we
got the questions for today's episode from. So if you
(49:31):
want to contribute and hear your question in an episode
an upcoming episode, again, make sure you're following me and
hey hello, If you have made it this far, I'm
talking to you. You are one of the lucky ones.
Our emoji for this week that I want you to
drop in the comments below if you have made it
this far is a broccoli stem. I just went grocery
shopping before I recorded this episode, and the thing on
(49:53):
the top of my list was broccoli, So you guys
included in on that. Drop a broccoli down below. If
you've made it this far, thank you for listening. Until
next time, Stay safe, be kind, Most importantly, be happy,
Be gentle to yourself, celebrate your accomplishments. Know when enough
is enough, and we will talk very very soon.
Hell, everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
(00:03):
the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, Wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here
back for another episode as we, of course break down
the psychology of our twenties. First and foremost, I want
to thank you all so much for the overwhelming love
and support you have had for my book, Person in Progress.
(00:26):
As I am recording this, the book has been out
for just under a week, and the messages and dms
I've received, the pictures from people who have found it
in Germany, in Singapore, in New York, in Romania, has
truly made every single moment since so unbelievably special. You know,
(00:51):
you put a lot of love into a book, and
this being my first one, I have to admit I
wasn't really sure how it was going to turn out,
you know, I will happily admit that I was very,
very afraid, and the day it came out was actually
very anticlimactic but also quite stressful. So hearing from you
(01:12):
all now that it's out in the world, seeing you
guys with your copies, it really has been the best
part of this and it's made it also just so
worth it. It's made it like a thing of dreams. Really,
it's just it's unbelievable. If you still haven't gotten a copy,
it is available wherever you get your books on audible, kindle,
(01:33):
in hard copy from a bookstore. It is the easiest
and most direct way to support me in the podcast.
So I appreciate every single one of you who has
bought it, reviewed it, spoken about it with friends, colleagues, family.
It truly does all add up now to the episode.
(01:53):
I know we were just speaking about something, you know,
remarkably happy and positive, but this episode is tackling some
that's somewhat adjacent maybe, but also a bit different. It's
something a lot of us struggle with silently, and that
is an inability to be happy with what we have,
that sense that something is always missing, the itch that
(02:14):
won't go away. You know, you get the job and
then you want a promotion, You move into a new house,
and then suddenly you're looking for something even better or
thinking about what's not right with it. You get into
a relationship, and yet there's still that lingering thought, is
there something better out there for me? Is this it?
If you are haunted by this type of thinking, you've
(02:37):
probably found that it applies to nearly everything in your life.
So many of us live in this in between space
right there, space between where we are and where we
think we should be, and that gap it often feels
like failure. Even if we've achieved so much, we end
(02:58):
up living by this more more and more mentality I've
spoken about before. You know, once we have what we want,
all we can think about is what we don't, meaning
the bar is always being raised, we always want more.
We never appreciate how far we've come, so we repeatedly
undervalue our progress, and our happiness is the price we pay.
(03:20):
I think this is also particularly conbounded by the upheaval
of being in our twenties, where it feels like we're
in competition with everyone around us. What do they have
that I don't? Why do they seem so much happier?
Why does their life seem more together? How can I
have that? How can I be like them? How can
I feel more secure? The answer is we will never
(03:42):
feel secure if we don't first understand what is driving
this constant sense of dissatisfaction. And you know what the solution.
It's more than just gratitude. It's something that goes a
whole lot deeper. It's probably going to surprise a few
of you actually, so my friends, I am excited to
explore this psychology with you. Some of you may also
(04:06):
know I have a podcast called Mantra, and we did
a more philosophical take on this episode over there. If
you finish this and you want more. Mantra is like
the psychology of your twenties, soulful sister, part meditation, part inspirational.
Each week we give you a new mantra to focus
(04:26):
your attention on for the week ahead. Like some of
the recent ones we've done are, I release the need
to do it all. I trust myself to make the
best decision with what I know now so many more.
It's just like the most fabulous way to start your week,
So don't forget to check it out after that. But
without further ado, let's talk about why we never seem
(04:48):
to be happy with what we have. I want to
explain the feeling of never being happy with what we
have first here because I really want to wat toiculate
how this feels in your body, in your thoughts, how
it looks in your day to day life, Because if
you haven't already suspected. This feeling sounds a lot like,
(05:10):
you know, good old fashioned depression, but it is different.
This contentment, happiness, treadmill as I call it, this constant
pursuit of more. It's not a clinical label. You're not
being happy with what you have is not really something
that you can be diagnosed with in the way that
you could be diagnosed with a mental health disorder, but
(05:34):
it may be a symptom of something larger. So to
be diagnosed with a major depressive disorder, you do have
to meet a number of specific criteria or exhibit a
number of symptoms. A lack of satisfaction with what we
have is probably going to contribute to a number of these,
but it's not a symptom on its own. Depression, you know,
(05:56):
it can make even the most remarkable moments bland because
of a deeper number of reactions and interactions going on
below the surface. So an inability to be happy with
what you have may be symptomatic of that. But you
can also struggle with this and constantly crave more success,
more accolades, more friends, more of whatever it is, whilst
(06:17):
not being depressed, whilst still feeling generally kind of happy,
still being able to concentrate, not suffering from insomnia, fatigue,
these kinds of things. The problem really occurs when this
spirals and the dissatisfaction is all you seem to be
able to focus on all day, every day. The losses,
(06:39):
the failures, they become the fixation for you. So there
is this theory called the fifty to fifty principle, which
essentially suggests that for every emotion or positive experience we have,
there will be an equal experience or emotion that will
be negative. So you get a promotion, your car gets towed,
(07:02):
you get a free coffee, you stub your toe, you
go on a great first date, you forget about your
really expensive electricity bill, quickly reflect on your last week.
For me, here, I feel like that balance is pretty accurate.
Sometimes you have months that are more negative. Sometimes it
(07:22):
makes up for it and you have months that are
more positive. But it always comes back to the fifty
to fifty. When we are struggling with being happy with
what we have, this theory would essentially suggest that it's
not because nothing good or amazing is happening, but that
we're focusing too much on the negative experience that are
(07:43):
always going to occur. Or we forget to appreciate what
is good, and therefore we start seeing things that are
actually positive as a letdown, because perhaps our expectations for
the fifty percent that is good in our life is
just too high. So, returning to what I was saying before,
what does this headspace of never being happy with what
(08:04):
we have looked like? Well, Firstly, often what it's going
to manifest as is obsessive future planning and a real
difficulty staying present. This is also known as when then thinking.
So when I get this, then I'll be happy. When
I get the job, when I get the partner, when
I get the shiny new object. This has another name.
(08:26):
It's called the arrival fallacy. When I arrive at this
arbitrary point, I will be static. My life will make sense.
That point, of course, though, always keeps moving. You know
how many of us are constantly waiting for something, and
waiting so intently we kind of forget that the chapter
(08:47):
we're in now is just as sweet, it's just as important.
Sometimes you really have to question, like, what is enough
for me? What is this secret, you know, secret doorway
that I will one day walk through through that will
make me finally happy objectively, when we are experiencing a
(09:07):
severe lack of basic needs, getting certain things like job security,
more income, stable shelter, you know that's certainly going to
increase our happiness levels. The happiness jump between having very
little to having enough to sustain you and then having
enough to be comfortable, those jumps are very very large.
(09:30):
But once you are comfortable from there, we really don't
realize how minor and incremental the change to our happiness
level will be. But we place so much pressure on
what are actually really small changes to transform our lives
when we already have you know, actually so much. You
may also find that you know, when you do achieve
(09:52):
the big things that you previously told yourself would be
enough for you, you still feel quite empty. I think
this is actually the biggest indicator of them all. You say,
you know, when I graduate from university, then my life
is going to start. And then you walk across the stage.
Nothing really changes. You finally get into the relationship, but
(10:13):
you find that you know, even the most perfect person
isn't going to eliminate all other struggles in your life.
Another indicator that you're not happy with what you have
envy or jealousy towards the people you perceive have it all,
and with that probably also some frustration and self hatred.
(10:35):
You know, that heavy feeling in your body, that battle
between you know, feeling envious of someone else and then
trying to rein it in and control your ego, and
then feeling envious and being like, why am I thinking
this way? I'm so such a bad person. But you
can't stop it. Then you feel guilty. It's just a
constant spiral, persistent restlessness. Now, this can manifest in a
(10:58):
lot of things. Freak went, job or relationship hopping, even
constantly moving cities, countries, anything to find the place, the person,
the thing that could finally, you know, change everything for you.
This is a common thing we see in our twenties. Right. Honestly,
I'm guilty of it. I moved to Sydney after a
(11:21):
breakup because I thought it would change my life, and
trust me, it did not have that immediate effect. In fact,
it probably made it harder in the first year, the
geographic cure. Once I moved to this place, I'll be
happy if I just pick up everything and move cities.
My whole life will change and I'll forget about all
(11:41):
these issues. The geographic cure is a myth. To offer
you some evidence of this. In one study in twenty twelve,
the researcher David Kahnman asked a group of individuals living
in one part of the US, specifically the Midwest, do
you think people living in southern California are happier? The
(12:02):
majority of them were like, yeah, of course they are.
It's beautiful that sonny, who wouldn't be happier there? He
then asked, do you think you'd be happier if you
moved there? A majority of them said yes they would.
But when he actually compared life satisfaction scores between the
two cities, he found that they were nearly identical. So
(12:26):
all these individuals in the Midwest, and you could replace
the Midwest with really any country, any city. There's always
going to be this beautiful, romanticized city that we think
when we moved to it will change our lives and
everyone there as happy and thriving. But what he found
was that actually it doesn't really change much. It's nearly identical.
(12:48):
Location isn't the thing that is going to change your life.
It's the perception of your life or the perception of
the place that does that. Another study from twenty sixteen,
this time in the UK, found something very similar, but
it also found that moving cities actually makes you more stressed,
more detached, more lonely. So a warning to anyone in
(13:11):
their twenties right now, I'm talking to you. If you
think a sudden move is going to finally make you happier,
the story is a lot more complex. A fe you
other science here that you're struggling to find happiness with
what you have, no matter how much you receive or achieve.
You can tastriphize small setbacks. You can be quite impulsive,
(13:32):
especially with money. You over consume lifestyle content that is
idealistic and romanticized. You may spend more time online shopping
or scrolling dating apps, and your mood is seemingly linked
to your external accomplishments and what you have, rather than
your internal sense of satisfaction. So if this sounds like you,
(13:54):
I want to explain why this may be happening, because
it can be seriously confronting, especially when we to perhaps realize, wait,
you know, what would I need to finally be content?
And if I don't get that, will I ever be happy?
Is there a final destination? A final spot I wish
to be does that even exist? So essentially, when we
(14:18):
have this more and more more mindset, when we can't
be happy with what we have, what is occurring is
something called hedonic adaptation. It's also called the hedonism treadmill.
So this was first given given a name in the
nineteen seventies by two Canadian researchers Brickman and Campbell. And
what they found is that humans, no matter what's happening
in their life, you know, they could win a Grammy,
(14:40):
they could marry the love of their life. They could
also lose the love of their life, could lose everything,
we will still typically return to a fairly stable baseline
level of happiness that seems to be largely predetermined regardless
of what is happening around us. Now, this is specifically
the case, or especially the case, I should say, with
(15:02):
really happy positive events. You know, you land your dream job,
but that the ecstasy of that doesn't last that long.
You know, it's not long until you start to notice
the downsides, or you get into a relationship and it's
amazing and thrilling until the novelty wears off, and then
you kind of return back to that stable level This
(15:22):
is basically our brain's way of maintaining emotional balance, but
it also means that we rarely feel happy and satisfied
for long. The big things we think will change our life,
they actually don't end up changing that much in the
long term, but because we expect that they will, we
also equally feel even more let down. The psychologist Sonya Lubemeski,
(15:46):
she wrote the book The Myth of Happiness, She added
onto this research, and she discovered that only around ten
percent of our happiness comes from external circumstances, only ten percent,
around forty percent comes from attitude and your intentional mindset.
Fifty percent is actually genetically determined. Yet that ten percent,
(16:12):
that is where we put most of our focus on.
We think, if I just had this one more thing,
I'd finally feel whole. If I just achieved this, I'd
finally be happy. Once we get to it, we recalibrate
the happiness we expect it doesn't last. That's hedonic adaptation
at work. We're always resetting the bar. Basically, what I'm
trying to say through this is it's not you, it's
(16:34):
your human blueprint. Trying to kind of almost humble us.
It seems our brain chemistry also plays a major role.
Of course, if we're going to talk about happiness, at
some stage, we're going to talk about dopamine. Dopamine, it's
not just the happiness chemical, it's the neurotransmitter associated with motivation, reward,
and pleasure. But here's the thing that most of us
(16:57):
don't know about dopamine. And I don't think I even
ended up learning about this until I was in my
third year of studying psychology. Your dopamine doesn't spike when
you get the reward, but in anticipation of it. I
was always told, you know, when you eat a chocolate bar,
it makes you happy. When you do this, it makes
you happy. It's the anticipation of it that makes you
(17:21):
feel happy and the relief of finally getting it. So
when you're fantasizing about the next big thing, your brain
floods with dopamine. You feel excited, you feel hopeful, you
feel a life. You know, think about the excitement before
a first date or a big overseas trip. But once
you actually get it, the dopamine drop off from that
(17:43):
leaves you feeling flat, even disappointed. It's why people, you know,
they go to their dream destinations. They go to Paris,
they go to Thailand, they go to Rome, and they're like,
I'm kind of disappointed. It's not what Matt, not what
my expectations were, or their wedding day or a big milestone.
You know, maybe they don't end up leaving that feeling
(18:05):
as happy as they thought they would. But this explains
why we feel addicted to the act of setting very
huge goals but not necessarily fulfilled when we get the thing.
We're not actually addicted to achievement. We're addicted to the
feeling of almost This can lead to something I call
a success hangover. It's also known as gold medal syndrome.
(18:27):
For a more formal name you'd find in a psychology textbook.
Gold Medal syndrome, of course, named after Olympians who work
their entire freaking lives for one moment for a gold medal,
and then they get it and they're like, oh, this
is it, this is all I ever wanted. Now, what
(18:51):
what do I do after this? Every single you know,
the Olympics were when I'm recording this last year, every
single time the Olympics, and I'm always reminded of this,
and I always see people who have worked probably since
they were three four years old, finally achieve their dreams
and I'm like, oh my god, that's when that's when
the real work begins. That's when the real struggle happens,
(19:15):
because now you have to redefine yourself after getting everything
you've ever wanted, but also perhaps realizing, you know, you
have to fantasize about how amazing it would be in
order to get to this place. It might not meet
those expectations. And you know what, you don't have to
win a gold medal to experience this. Let me give
(19:35):
you one final explanation for why we are never happy
with what we have, and we kind of talked about
it before, but it's something called the negativity bias. So
this is a cognitive bias that we have as humans
in which we constantly focus on the negative parts of life,
(19:55):
some of us more than others. If you're quite pessimistic,
you'd also be doing this. Even optimism doesn't necessarily protect
us from this. Yes, there are some people who are,
you know, crazily optimistic and who perhaps don't see the
world in a negative like. Those people are quite rare.
Most of us will find that we spend a lot
(20:17):
more time thinking about the little frustrations, the things that
went wrong, the things that are stressing us out, then
the things that are making us feel joyful, then the
things that we are happy and proud of, then the
things that make our life feel quite meaningful. I know
I do this. I literally released a book a week ago,
(20:37):
and you know when I spent the whole morning thinking of,
Oh my god, I'm so busy, I have so many chores,
this and that. You know, the microphone wasn't working this morning,
blah blah blah blah blah, and it's all I thought about, Like,
and I realized, oh my goodness, Like this negativity bias
is exhausting, but it's also something that we can sometimes
(20:58):
struggle to manage because it's how we're hardwired to think.
Let's talk about this from a survival perspective. Back in
the day, we're roaming the Sahara, we're roaming the mountains,
the jungle. You need to focus more on what is
potentially threatening, dangerous, scary if you want to survive, then
watching the sunset, looking at the beautiful berries, the beautiful flowers,
(21:21):
the beautiful butterflies. In a modern society, though, that's no
longer as protective as it was back then. Now it's
actually just I'm just gonna say it, it's a letdown.
It's so annoying, so annoying, you know, when it comes
to never being happy with what we have. We can
also look at things like comparison, We can look at
(21:43):
things like boredom. We could, you know, investigate the society
or emphasis or materialism. I feel like these are things
that we talk about a lot though, and that we
kind of have a grasp on. So I kind of
wanted to explore perhaps some different explanations that may not
be top of mind for you as you're kind of
(22:04):
battling this constant need for more, this constant need to achieve,
this constant sense of dissatisfaction with what you have, even
if it's what you know, a path version of yourself
could only have ever dreamed of. So we are going
to take a short break. But when we return, let's
talk the consequences of this. Let's also talk the solution,
(22:26):
because it's probably a little bit different to what you're expecting.
Stay tuned. So what exactly are the consequences of this
if it isn't already obvious. Well, the first big one
is that, well, obviously you're unhappy all the time, which
(22:47):
you know isn't really great, is not how we want
to live our lives. The second, though, is extreme guilt,
guilt around the fact that you are unhappy without being
able to change the fact that you're unhappy because you
feel too guilty about it. Now. I think this is
especially the case if you can recognize that actually you
(23:09):
do have quite a lot, and that there is a
lot for you to be grateful for, and you know
you have all these things that people themselves admire and
are seeking, but you just can't feel good about it.
That's a hard one because rationally, you know you have
a reason to be happy, but somewhere deep down you
can't be and that's going to create these sensations of
(23:34):
frustration with yourself, but also the sense that like, I'm
not grateful enough, and so I must be a bad person.
I must be a bad person for not being able
to appreciate this. I think sometimes as well, I have
this sense that if I don't feel incredibly grateful and
happy about what I have, somehow that's going to mean
(23:55):
it's taken away from me. Kind of like I'm an
ungrateful child. I don't know. I don't know if anyone
else feels this way, but I remember being a kid
and opening like a president at Christmas and I was like, oh,
what is this? And I was like not grateful for it,
and like my granddad like took it away. I was like, well,
if you're not grateful for things they like, you don't
(24:16):
deserve them. And now as an adult, I'm like, wow,
that really stuck with me. Like, if I don't feel
happy about everything I have, I feel extreme guilt because
I know someone is doing it a whole lot worse.
But also then I feel a lot of fear that
it's somehow, this like cosmic power is going to come
down and take it away from me, you know, God,
(24:38):
the universe, something. It also results in a lot of
burnout and perfectionism, procrastination three horsemen of the productivity apocalypse.
If you're constantly pushing yourself for more, if you're constantly
raising the bars, setting a new milestone, landmark, setting some
(24:59):
new goal, the thing is is that it's going to
start feeling more and more like a race, and it's
going to start having a deeper sense of urgency because
your happiness is at stake here, and you're going to
push and push and push yourself until something has to give.
But for you, even when it does give, it's probably
(25:21):
not an option for you to rest. It's not an
option for you to reevaluate, because you have tied so
much of your life satisfaction to the fulfillment of goals
rather than to the experience of existing. And it's something
I see a lot of people suffer from. Now. The
more you find yourself in this cycle as well, the
(25:43):
more pessimistic you actually become about the world. You know,
you're constantly raising the bar. Perhaps you are meeting the
bar and then of course raising it, but you are
achieving certain things and you're still feeling unhappy, and you
start to then spire and think, well, if this doesn't
do it, what is If I finally have this thing
(26:07):
and this wasn't it at some stage there's not going
to be anything more, or at some stage there's going
to be a goal I can't reach, I can't meet.
Does that mean I'm going to be in a perpetual
state of misery. It's a pretty big question to ask yourself,
and it's one that's pretty hard to answer and will
probably lead to quite a lot of sadness. So let's
(26:30):
talk about the solution. I took you low there, I
took you to a low point. Let's take us back
to the high point. Gratitude is often the solution people
will offer you, and it is a pretty brilliant one.
You know. It is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness.
Many studies, including one from I think it was UC Berkeley,
found that gratitude can actually physically alter your brain and
(26:53):
neural connections, which is just insanely spectacular. In another study,
the same university, University California, Berkeley, recruited three hundred participants
and asked one third of them to write gratitude letters,
one third to write about their deepest thoughts and feelings,
and another they didn't ask them to write anything, and
they did find that those who wrote gratitude letters they
(27:17):
were significantly happier four weeks and twelve weeks after this
exercise had ended. So those results really do just speak
for themselves. But I have also found that sometimes I
do need to go deeper to get myself out of
this funk. It's not to discredit gratitude as an important practice,
and of course I think that is the first step
(27:37):
to addressing this. If it doesn't work, though, what's really
helped me get to that next level is actually accepting
and in fact celebrating negative emotions as much as I
do positive ones, which sounds counterintuitive, but let me give
you my word here. Let me promise you it works.
(27:59):
And it's the same principle behind acceptance and commitment therapy,
a very common kind of therapy which invites people to
open their door to unpleasant feelings instead of feeling trapped
by them. Why do we feel so trapped by being unhappy?
You know, it doesn't feel great, but really, what's if
we were to look that feeling in the eye, would
it really be able to hurt us? You know it's
(28:20):
kind of counterintuitive, right, Unpleasant emotions equal bad. We run
away from unpleasant smells, sits tastes, but here we're meant
to run towards it. Well, yeah, and it works because
half the reason unpleasant uncomfortable emotions feel so bad is
because A we're scared of them, and that fear makes
(28:42):
up more of the unpleasantness than the actual emotion does.
And B when we avoid them, we don't develop the
strategies to sit with negative emotions when they do occur,
which means that when they break through the internal walls
that we put up, which they will eventually, they feel
even stronger and worse, and that reinforces this initial appraisal
(29:04):
and belief that they are bad. Here's the thing, and
I'm going to say it again, why do we view
not being happy all the time is a terrible thing?
You're sure it doesn't feel amazing when it's all the time.
When it comes to not being able to appreciate hard
earned successes, it is pretty exhausting. But happiness is not
the only important emotion. Sadness, nostalgia, boredom, confusion, disgust, entransmit, surprise, relief, romance.
(29:33):
They are all so beautiful. They're like our mind's children.
They each serve such an important purpose. So I need
you to lean into experiencing every emotion. Be curious about it.
Think of your life as a very rich tapestry. You know,
if you were happy all the time, that would mean
(29:53):
that the tapestry is just one color. Let's say it's
just yellow. It's fine yellow as a beautiful color. We
want blues, we want reds, purples, greens, every hue, to
make it interesting, to make life interesting, to make that
tapestry you know, something that's fun to look at. I
have found and this is the easiest way to gain
(30:14):
deeper appreciation for the small things, which is really what
we're after here, not just the big things. That when
you do appreciate and lean into unhappiness, sadness, disappointment and
you really like make it an experience for you, you
get better at noticing happiness because all of your energy
(30:34):
isn't going towards making sure happiness isn't the only flavor
or color. I think that's really really important here. When
we struggle with never being happy with what we have,
I think it's because we believe somehow that we need
to always be happy, that we need to always feel fulfilled,
and that's why we are let down by the lack
(30:56):
of satisfaction that sometimes comes from the big things. Now
I introduced a caveat before about that success hangover we've
spoken about. I think this has another kind of cure,
and that is to name your enough point. And I
want to restate that because I know I mentioned it before,
but I want it to have its own segment in
(31:16):
this section. Before you set a goal. Before you decide
that something is worthy of achieving or something that you
want to work towards, I want you to seriously ask
yourself what would enough look like for you? Define it
before your brain moves the goalpost. Write it down? Please
(31:40):
for me? What is enough for you? What is enough money?
What are enough friends? What is enough in a relationship?
What is enough in your career? What is enough just
for right now? Like obviously it will evolve as you
get older, but at some point I need you to
sit in a knowledge that you have come very very
(32:02):
far and that you have achieved many, many beautiful things.
A really beautiful exercise for me, and it's one that
made me so emotional recently with the book and everything.
Was just thinking if I could have a one on
one conversation with my childhood self, what would I tell
them and what would they just be so ecstatic by?
(32:23):
And how would they view me? And what are the
things that they would just never believe? Even my teenage self,
there is something that you have completed and done and
succeeded at that a younger version of you would just
be like gob smacked by. Keep those small achievements that
sometimes we don't even appreciate in the moment at the
(32:45):
center of your mind. Put them somewhere where you can
think about them, read them, view them. Because I don't
want us to be I don't want us to be
in the game of forgetting, because we're constantly trying to
push ourselves further. Sometimes I think that there is this
fear of being happy because we think that, well, if
(33:08):
I was happy, I wouldn't be able to push myself anymore.
I think it's particularly common amongst high achievers, people who
really push themselves. There's this cruel thing that we've realized
at some stage that if you dislike yourself and if
you are dissatisfied, perpetually in a state of dissatisfaction, well,
(33:30):
then you're constantly going to be in a state of
trying to get out of that state, Right Like, if
you are unhappy, if you are trying to prove something
that's great motivation for you. Being happy and content, well,
we think sometimes that would mean that we would become lazy.
(33:50):
That's not true. I'm a study that found that people
who are more fulfilled, content and satisfied with their life
are actually almost twenty seven percent more productive in their
day to day lives, so it's not something to be
afraid of. You're not going to lose your motivation, You're
not going to lose your efficiency and your productive edge.
(34:12):
Another thing that's been very very helpful for me and
for other people that I've spoken to as well when
dealing with this happiness conundrum is to start a weird ritual.
Instead of constantly focusing on what you could have and
what you could achieve, start something that has nothing to
do with any of those things. I heard about this
recently from the author Michael Norton, who wrote the book
(34:35):
The Ritual Effect, and essentially what he says is that
when you focus on something other than what you want
or what you have, and instead focus on something that
you can do and can enjoy, our lives get significantly better.
Some of the ideas for a ritual he had, and
this is my favorite, one was to do mini versions
(34:56):
of what you would do on a vacation. So go
to the local pool, make yourself like a budget version
of that holiday cocktail you loved. Commit to maybe doing
a touristy thing in your city each weekend. All you
can get into the ritual of hosting an event once
a month for friends. I do this, It's amazing. One
of my friends I've seen this on TikTok does like
(35:18):
a coffee shop in her house once a month. I
do like a game's art themed night once a month.
You know, you just need to get involved in the
act of doing rather than achieving. You know who some
of the happiest and most content people are in the world.
It's those who are grounded in doing rather than having
(35:41):
one group. I always think of hobbyists, not professionals, not
competitive hobbyists, just hobbyists. People who like bird watching, people
who like like reading, rock climbers like what's another one,
like cyclists, like those people seem so happy because they
just enjoy doing something that gets them out of their mind,
(36:05):
and that there is very limited competition in especially if
you're just doing it for the joy of it, doing
it for their own sense of love and attachment and
excitement with the thing. So if you are struggling with
this happiness treadmill, you're not happy with what you have,
You're constantly looking for more. I need you to take
(36:28):
a step back right now. I need you to take
a step back. Survey your life. When was the last
time you did something just for the joy of it. Seriously,
ask yourself, when was the last time you looked at
your to do list and said, I'm not going to
do any of that today. I'm actually going to go
and do something fun, something I want to do. Maybe
(36:50):
that's your ritual, a day of no to do lists,
a day a week where there is nothing planned. You
just get to dilly Dali, Dilly dali and and dordal
and explore and experience. Okay, we're going to take another
short break, but when we return, I want to talk
about some of the amazing listener questions that you guys
(37:12):
had on this topic, so stay tuned. Okay, it's time
for everyone's favorite segment, our listener questions. This first question,
which I love and which we haven't spoken about very
much at all in this topic so far, is what
(37:32):
is the impact of consumerism? A huge, huge point that
I'm so glad you brought up so I didn't accidentally
miss it. I blame consumerism for quite a bit of this,
specifically when it comes to not being happy with obviously
material goods. The current climate that we live in, the
(37:56):
current society that we live in, is obsess with quantity
and with having more and with displaying wealth through the
new shiny object, the new trending item, the new viral item.
This is gonnas maybe upset some people, but oh my gosh,
(38:16):
the thing that always frustrates me whenever I'm on Instagram
or TikTok is people who are like, you need this
viral dress in every single color, You need this new item,
like here's my you know, insane clothing hale. Let's refresh
my apartment for Easter or for spring, and go and
(38:38):
buy all this new stuff, like here's this Life Janney product.
I'm like, oh my goodness, you don't need that. You
don't need these things, Like I'm sure it makes these
people very, very happy. But like we said at the beginning,
consuming too much of that content is what can contribute
to struggling to be happy with what you have, because
(39:00):
there's constantly going to be someone who has more. And
there's also, given that social media is now a job,
this person is trying and a lot of individuals online
are trying to get you to buy these things and
trying to sell you something, if not directly indirectly through
(39:21):
themselves as a brand. Let me just say this, we
definitely don't need as much as is being sold to us,
and if you're not careful enough, you will end up
buying into this narrative that having this item, having this
new thing is going to make you happy, leaning to
(39:42):
perpetual dissatisfaction. You know, consumer culture is built on the
idea that what we currently own or experience isn't enough,
and that buying something will make us happier. It's how
impulse spending, chronic overspending, chronic shopping addictions occur, its identity
(40:03):
in the pursuit of happiness through possessions, equating what we
have to how we should be feeling. So I think
there is definitely a large intersection between consumerist culture and
also dissatisfaction and not being happy with what you have.
(40:25):
This next question has to do with body image. So
if there's something this is something that you're sensitive to,
skip ahead a couple of minutes. But how does never
being happy with what we have tie into physical appearance?
This is a component we haven't spoken about yet. But
never being happy with what we have doesn't just come
down to achievements or material possessions. It can also come
(40:47):
down to how we perceive ourselves and how we perceive
our bodies. This is again, I think, symptomatic of the
society we live in. The idea of the perfect body
is constantly changing. And yeah, we are expected to mold
our appearance into whatever shape, form, size, image that it's
(41:07):
meant to be. Right now, that's not possible, you know.
Think about it, like you cannot add height, add inches,
immediately take off thirty killers and then put it back
on when it comes back in style, Like our bodies
are becoming these, you know, becoming just something that is
only made to be viewed and made to be shaped
(41:31):
and formed and molded into a trend. And it's not
our fault for buying into it, because when you meet
the trend, it feels like you're doing something right. It
feels like you'll be praised more, people will think you're beautiful.
Perhaps you'll you know, experience a bit of pretty privilege
some perks who doesn't want that. But this is a
(41:52):
reminder that, again, your body is not a trend. And
if you're struggling with being happy with your appearance and
just being happy with and content with where you are now,
I think it's time to probably tune out some of
those some of the sources of this lack of satisfaction.
(42:14):
I'm just going to say it, Unfollow the Kardashians please
and thank you. They are such a so representative of this.
But also unfollow certain pages, Instagram feeds, tiktoks, block content
that is going to make you feel like you need
to opt into this and remember to add some realism
(42:37):
into what you're consuming. Filters and the technology we have
nowadays mean that the person who's filming or you know,
displaying this video probably doesn't even look like that the themselves.
And also even if they do, someone else's beauty does
not mean that you don't have beauty as well. You know,
(42:57):
there's not like objectively, one flower that is the most beautiful,
or one dog or one cat or one horse that
is the most beautiful. And because they're beautiful, it means
that nothing else, and no one else to, no other
option has value like this all or nothing thinking when
it comes to beauty, specifically, someone else's appearance can get
(43:21):
us into a lot of trouble. Obviously this I need
a lot more time to talk about this, but I
do think that it's important to point out that this
definitely applies. We could even talk about body dysmorphia here,
but I did a whole episode on that. If this
specific intersection between never being happy with what you have
and physical appearance is calling to you and something you
(43:43):
want to hear about, listen to the body Dysmorphia episode.
All Right, this next question, how do I stop treating
life as a checklist and feeling like if I'm not
taking things off the list, I am not allowed to
be happy? Gosh, is this not the biggest question that
so many of us face in our twenties. I was
talking to someone about this at a book event the
other day, and I was like, Wow, it just feels
(44:04):
like every single one of us is running out of
time to do the millions of different things that people
have told we need to do in our twenties, when
actually some of them are not even compatible. It's like, well,
you need to do solo travel. You need to solo travel,
but you also should have kids before you turn thirty,
and you need to date around and experience like different
(44:27):
kinds of love. But also you should have a partner,
and you need to figure out your career and have
a stable career progression, but also let loose a little
bit the checklist. Oh my god, it's so intense. Sometimes,
what I will say is this, the best thing you
can do for yourself is just to choose something you
(44:47):
really want to do and pursue it, and to just
find a way to incorporate experiences you actually want to
have along the way. Don't get too caught up in
what everyone else is doing and whether that's going to
make you happy. Trust your intuition. There are certain things
that probably won't make you happy and that you probably
(45:08):
can skip over, And for the things that you might
actually really think that you'll enjoy, you have time to
experience them. Our twenties are not the only decade in
which we have time, space, energy resources to do the
things we want to do. In fact, to the older
we get we probably will be making more money, we
(45:30):
will probably have more flexibility when it comes to checking
off some important bucket list items for ourselves. So just
because you are not where you are right now, just
because you haven't done everything that you've wanted to do
this far, doesn't mean it's not going to happen. If
you checked everything off the checklist now before your life
(45:50):
has even really begun, what's there left to do? It's
important to actually take your time appreciate the journey. Al Right,
we have time for one via question. How does never
being happy with what we have relate to tall poppy syndrome?
Just tall poppy syndrome come into play. So this is
an Australian phrase. For my non Australian listeners, it's one
(46:13):
of my favorite phrases. Essentially, what it means is that
the tallest flowers are the ones that are cut down
first when someone is going to make a bouquet, when
someone wants some fresh flowers, they're going to choose the
ones that stick out. So when it comes to human
beings or people, if you are too open and honest
(46:36):
and brash with your success and your accomplishments, you're going
to be cut down. You're going to stick out from
the herd. You're going to be taken down for that.
It's a huge thing in Australia. It's probably a big
thing in other countries that just might have other terms.
I think this comes into play with never being happy
with what you have because sometimes you're taught to downplay
(46:57):
your successes and downplay you're a cheap to not piss
people off. You know, there is a fine line to
walk here between humility and also confidence and being like,
you know what, I really I am cool and I
do cool things, and I am proud of myself. Tall
(47:17):
poppy syndrome can make you feel like I need to
be small for other people's sake, but also to protect myself.
What I say to this is that personal acknowledgment and
personal pride and what you're doing goes a long way.
I also, and you know what I'm going to say it,
(47:39):
you can brag about yourself, brag a little. It's okay.
The people who really support you will be so proud
of you. Anytime one of my friends comes with me
with good news or what they think is a brag,
I'm so frickin pumped for them. Being proud of yourself
openly is such a good litmus test for understanding who
(48:03):
is really on your side and who sees your achievements
and your accomplishments and the cool things you're doing as
a win for them because they get to be in
your presence. So I don't think it's arrogant to sometimes
just say I work really hard, I do cool stuff,
I'm creative, I'm kind, I'm generous. That's not ego. That's
(48:24):
confidence and I think there's time. There's a time and
a place for it, and if we always suppress everything
and keep it hidden, perhaps we will fall into this
dissatisfaction trap or that success void that we were speaking about. Well,
my lovely listeners, I think that is truly all we
have time for today. We have covered oh so much
(48:47):
and I hope you enjoyed this episode. Make sure to
check out my book Person and Progress, and check out
the companion episode to this episode on Matra. It's titled
I Allow Myself to be happy with what I have.
If you want more affirmations and more inspiration to commit
to just being satisfied with the little things and with
(49:10):
what you've achieved so far, I feel like that episode
is going to be amazing for that. If you have
further episode suggestions, we are always on the hunt for
great ideas, feel free to dm me on Instagram. At
that Psychology podcast, we also post a listener question box
once a week for upcoming episodes, which is where we
got the questions for today's episode from. So if you
(49:31):
want to contribute and hear your question in an episode
an upcoming episode, again, make sure you're following me and
hey hello, If you have made it this far, I'm
talking to you. You are one of the lucky ones.
Our emoji for this week that I want you to
drop in the comments below if you have made it
this far is a broccoli stem. I just went grocery
shopping before I recorded this episode, and the thing on
(49:53):
the top of my list was broccoli, So you guys
included in on that. Drop a broccoli down below. If
you've made it this far, thank you for listening. Until
next time, Stay safe, be kind, Most importantly, be happy,
Be gentle to yourself, celebrate your accomplishments. Know when enough
is enough, and we will talk very very soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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