June 10, 2025 • 51 mins
"Sorry, can I just say something?", "sorry to bother you!", "oh, sorry!" - sound familiar? If you find yourself saying "sorry" for taking up space, having an opinion, or even when someone else bumps into you, you're not alone. That tiny, five-letter word, meant for genuine remorse, often becomes a reflex, a way to make ourselves smaller, more agreeable, and to diffuse a discomfort that sometimes only exists in our own minds. In today’s episode, we’re exploring chronic apologising - we'll uncover how this seemingly polite habit can actually be a sign of deeper anxieties, impact our self-worth, and shape our experiences in our 20s. Things we discuss:
- Why apologising goes beyond politeness
- Ties to self-worth, anxiety and attachment
- Over-apologising as barriers to true connection
- Reclaiming your voice in your career
- Practical steps to break the habit
If you’ve ever felt like you're apologising for your very existence, or if "sorry" has become your default setting, this episode is for you.
Listen to my NEW PODCAST, Mantra: https://open.spotify.com/show/4Ckds0BoJDDpODInN9cWcc?si=ea4a5f5a61e5414a
Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg
Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast
For business: psychologyofyour20s@gmail.com
The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here.
Back for another episode as we, of course break down
the Psychology of our twenties. Before we begin, I wanted
to talk about my other podcast, Mantra for just a second.
(00:44):
For those of you who don't know, this is actually
not my only podcast. It might come as a little
bit of a surprise. I don't think I talk about
it nearly as much as I should, But I do
have another show called Mantra, where each Monday I talk
about my mantra for the week and how I want
it to essentially guide me. It is like the Psychology
(01:06):
of Your Twenties, but it's kind of more spiritual and philosophical,
and it basically serves as a mental reset before you
start your week, before you have to deal with work,
with responsibilities, with family, friendship, drama, whatever it is. So
the episodes go for around thirty minutes, and they include
(01:27):
evidence backed mental exercises for really powerful mindset shifts, journal prompts,
a dive into wisdom from really great thinkers. Plus also
just like personal stories from me as well, and some
of the mantras that I've done recently that I really
really like and that I think will resonate with you
include things like I allow myself to be happy with
(01:48):
what I have, I make the best decisions with what
I know now, and I know that love won't past me.
There's so many more. So this is my ask of
you today, If you love the Psycho of your twenties,
give Mantra a listen. Just try one episode, see what
you think. It is very much a passion project for
me right now. So if you have feedback, if you
(02:10):
have mantras that you think I should do, if you
have a deep thought or dilemma that's been sitting heavy
on your soul, I'd love to hear it. I'd love
to cover it. So I'll leave a link in the
episode description. But again, thank you so much for giving
it a listen. Let's get back to the show and
what we're talking about today. Let me ask you a question,
(02:31):
how many times a day. Do you think you say
sorry five times, ten times, maybe in nearly every single sentence.
Sorry is definitely one of the most important words in
the human language. I think it is also one of
the most overused. We say it constantly in emails, in texts,
(02:52):
in relationships, at work, when we cut someone off, when
we speak up, when we take up space, even when
we haven't done anything wrong. It becomes this like automatic
filler word for us, a stand in for like please
excuse me, for don't hate me. And for some of us,
the word sorry is kind of part of who we
(03:16):
are and how we present ourselves. It's almost protective, like
we say it constantly, and I think that reveals a
lot about our insecurity, is our fear, our conditioning, And
it can also become, let's be real, completely exhausting. If
I'm being honest, I used to do this all the time.
I still catch myself doing it more than I'd like. Obviously,
(03:38):
it's super normal to say sorry when you do something
wrong and you want to express genuine remorse. But I
find that I say sorry in situations where it's not necessary.
I'm not actually sorry, and in fact someone else, maybe
even Owes me an apology. This habit has a name.
(03:59):
It's called chronic apologizing, the reflexive, often unconscious habit of
saying sorry for things that don't require an apology, and
it is a pattern that many of us fall into.
And for something so small and seemingly polite, chronic apologizing
can actually have a negative impact on our lives and
(04:19):
a really negative impact on how we view ourselves and
also how others view us. So in this episode, we
are going to unpack all of it, what chronic apologizing
actually looks like, the psychological roots of this habit, from
attachment theory to early life experiences, how it changes how
(04:39):
people see you in very strange ways that you probably
don't know. And most importantly, I think, how we can
break this cycle by actually rewriting our internal scripts for
taking up space, for being authentic, for just simply existing.
(05:01):
How we can change our internal scripts for expressing ourselves
instead of hiding behind this very innocuous, you know, self
preservation tool. So, just like all of our episodes, this
isn't about shaming. It's not to make you feel bad
for doing something that probably feels second nature. It's about
just understanding this habit and gaining some clarity and understanding why. So,
(05:25):
without further ado, let's get into the psychology of chronic apologizing.
Let's lay the groundwork to begin with, what do we
actually mean when we say that someone is a chronic apologizer. Now, obviously,
there is nothing wrong with a good genuine apology. Apologies
(05:47):
are essential in relationships because they repair, they're humbling, they
show compromise. But there is a difference between saying I'm sorry,
I sincerely accept that I have done the wrong thing
and just saying oh, sorry, I did this, Sorry I
did that. Sorry, as like a blanket statement for please
don't hate me. So, a genuine apology has a few
(06:09):
core ingredients, and an article from Harvard titled The Art
of a Heartfelt Apology actually really lays this out. So
they say that psychologically, a heartfelt apology has four main things. Firstly,
it acknowledges that the offense took place, and it takes
responsibility for the offense. It explains what happened without excusing it.
(06:33):
It expresses sincere remorse, and it offers to make amends.
For example, a sincere apology is something like I'm sorry,
I was late, I acknowledge I'm late traffic was insane,
But I should have left earlier and it won't happen again.
That's good. That's taking ownership. And when you actually then
(06:55):
end up doing something on your promise to not let
it happen again, that's even better. But when you're apologizing
constantly for just existing, for speaking, for needing things, it
starts to become something that is a skeleton of that
and at its call chronic apologizing. It's basically when we
say sorry so frequently that it begins to lose its
(07:16):
meaning and that it becomes a reflex. So think of
it almost like a filler word. So just a normal
sentence like can I just say something quickly? We have
to begin with sorry. Can I just say something quickly
before you've even said the thing? Am I bothering you? Sorry?
Am I bothering you? I didn't mean to take up
(07:37):
so much time. Sorry, I didn't mean to take up
so much time. Can I just grab that item? Sorry?
Can I just grab that item? It's this word that
we place in front of all sentences where we're asking permission,
almost to kind of say to someone I don't mean
to cause offense, don't come and bite my head off.
And it's such a knee jerk reaction, and often we
(08:00):
do it because we feel like we aren't actually allowed
to take up space. We feel like sorry is a
way for us to make ourselves smaller and more palatable
and you know, more tasteful to other people. It's a
verbal filler. And here's the kicker, this constant apologizing. It's
(08:25):
often more for us actually than it is for other people.
We think that it's about making other people happy. Really
it's about managing our own discomfort around how we think
that people will see us, and so sorry actually becomes
a very deeply ingrained internal strategy to manage our own anxiety, discomfort,
(08:48):
or fear of disapproval. Essentially, what we're trying to do
when we say sorry before any sentence is we're trying
to control how we're perceived. We're trying to soften our
presence or to preemptively diffuse any potential negative reaction, even
if that reaction only exists in our minds. And it's
essentially a mechanism to allow us to feel like we
(09:12):
are controlling how other people see us, and we're controlling
that narrative in a way that makes people not see
us as a threat, so whilst it is directed at
someone else, the true function often lies in our own
internal emotional landscape and the fact that we cannot deal
or manage the idea of someone seeing us differently to
(09:35):
how we want to be perceived, being mad at us,
being frustrated, or not liking us. You know, this is
not just a random habit. It's not just like a
funny thing. There are deep psychological roots here, and many
theories will point to early childhood experiences and the messages
that we internalized about our worth, our safety, and our
(09:56):
relationships very early on. One key concept here is self worth.
If you grew up in an environment where you felt
like you constantly had to earn love or approval, or
maybe where expressing yourself led to criticism and validation punishment,
you may have possibly learned that being small, accommodating, unassuming
(10:20):
was the safest path. Apologizing almost became a way to
shrink yourself, to make yourself less of a target, especially
if you had parents or family members who were volatile,
who were violent, or if you were in a big family.
The way that we saw this as a child was
(10:41):
if I apologized before they get the chance to be
upset with me, maybe they will accept me as I am,
rather than need to find something wrong or rather than
needing to find something to attack me. For you're somewhat
at their mercy when you're a child, right, You're at
the mercy of your pearance of older family members, of
(11:02):
older siblings, and so this becomes part of the armor.
This is also, of course a classic pattern of people pleasing,
which we've discussed on the podcast before, probably like three
years ago now if you want to listen to that episode.
But another major contributor to that people pleasing apologizing shrinking
cycle is also anxiety. For those of us with high
(11:25):
levels of anxiety, especially social anxiety, apologizing is a way
again to control the interaction, but also it's a form
of safety seeking behavior. So this refers to actions that
we take to try and relieve some of our anxiety,
specifically around things that we see as a threat. So
(11:46):
if you are someone who is naturally socially anxious and
you see interacting with other people as very scary and
you know, anxiety inducing and freaky, this sorry technique almost
becomes a self sooth. Yes, there is the example we
gave before of it being a way to control someone
(12:08):
how someone sees you, and that making you feel calm.
But also, even though you know your stories may not
be doing anything for you, it feels like this nice
thing you can return to that feels safe and feels calm.
It almost becomes a ritual. Saying sorry before every sentence
means that you can get the words out, means that
you feel more prepared. However, as much as we hope
(12:32):
that a sorry is going to diffuse our anxiety, research
does actually suggest the opposite. The two thousand and nine
study published by Cambridge University actually suggests that these kinds
of safety seeking anxious apologies actually serve as anxiety maintenance.
(12:53):
They feel they bring us a sense of relief in
the moment, but they keep the anxiety cycle going and
they negatively reinforce all we're feeling. So in the moment,
you're getting the fleeting relief from the anxiety because the
perceived reward, the removal of an unpleasant feeling, is making
you feel better. But it also means that we never
(13:13):
actually confront the possibility of not saying sorry, and of
people not liking us, and of social situations not going well,
and realizing that we are still very capable in those situations.
A lot of our fear is maintained by never actually
experiencing the thing that we're scared of. But if we
were to be put in a situation where we didn't
(13:35):
say sorry and someone was mad at us, we may
just realize, you know, that isn't the end of the world,
Like we aren't going to die because of that. Someone
not liking us is actually sometimes not even our problem.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
Now.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Whilst chronic apologizing is predominantly rooted in anxiety and people
pleasing in early life experiences, it's also worth noting a
more specific, albeit less common overlap. In some very rare instances,
excessive apologizing might actually take on a compulsive quality, hinting
(14:10):
it like a very deep connection to OCD obsessive compulsive disorder.
So that thing I was talking about before, where you
say sorry as a habit, you say sorry almost as
a ritual. You say sorry because you can't imagine not
saying sorry. You think that something bad's going to happen
if you don't do it. For someone with OCD, that's
what we would call a compulsion, a repetitive mental or
(14:34):
behavioral act performed in response to a very intrusive, painful,
distressing thought and obsession, and we perform the compulsion as
a way to reduce or prevent a dreaded outcome. So,
for example, if someone has an obsession about being terribly
rude and not having realized it and someone being mad
(14:55):
at them, they might engage in excessive checking rituals that
include repetitive apologies as a way to stop themselves from
feeling so anxious about this thing coming true. There's no
logical reason behind it. We know that saying sorry repetitively
might not actually change anything, but because it is driven
(15:17):
by this very strong urge to neutralize a negative thought,
it feels like we can't stop ourselves. If you're apologizing,
maybe feels like less than a general habit and more
like an uncontrollable ritual tied to a specific distressing situation
or belief or thought that something terrible is going to happen.
(15:39):
This might be something that a mental health professional could
use to differentiate between a chronic apologizer who is just
anxious and someone who has OCD and who this chronic
apologizing may be a symptom of. Let's talk about a
few other explanations here. One of them being social learning theory.
So obviously we can pick up apologizing as a habit
(16:02):
when we realize that it tends to make people less
frustrated at us, and if that was the childhood and
family environment we grew up in, that becomes a strategy.
Through that means as a way to stop someone from
being critical of you, as a way to deal with
an inconsistent or unpredictable caregiver, a response or a family
(16:22):
response to deal with disapproval and rejection in a family unit.
There's another way that this is impressed upon us as well,
and it's through social learning theory, where basically, if we
observe our parents apologizing a lot, we tend to imitate
that if you had a parent or a significant adult
(16:42):
in your life who was a chronic apologizer, constantly saying
sorry for minor infractions or even for their mere presence.
Sometimes you simply pick up on that habit by being
close to them, and you internalize it as a normal
way of communicating, completely unaware of its underlying psycho logical impact.
You know you saw it, so you did it. And
(17:03):
people will often say that this really comes down to
their mothers and how their mothers treated the outside world,
or were treated by their fathers, would be treated by
other people oftentimes like it's our moms who are the
ones who are made to feel very small and the
ones who apologize constantly if they're not confident, if they
(17:25):
aren't typically outspoken, And we see that, especially if you're
a woman. You see how your mom responded to the
environment and to the patriarchy, and you start doing that yourself,
and you don't really understand it until perhaps a partner
calls you out on it, or a friend starts to
call you out on it and says, hey, like, you
(17:46):
don't need to say sorry for that, But because you
saw how your mother or a parent gained reassurance through
excessive apologizing, and how perhaps or someone else in your
life used stories as a way to remain vigilant over
(18:07):
potential threats, you just can't avoid doing it. You can't
avoid it. I think a lot of this can really
be nicely explained by the faun response, which we talked
about on an episode a few weeks back on emotionally
immature Parents, But as a refresh, if you don't if
you didn't listen to that episode, fawning is basically a
recent addition to the fight flight or freeze response that
(18:30):
we all know about, fight flight and freeze basically an
in built way of responding to danger and how we
go about surviving that danger. But recently researchers have really
been identified another form of survival, which is to make
friends with the danger. To make friends with the threat.
(18:51):
This is a really weird analogy, but if you've ever
watched a nature documentary with pack animals, you might see
how wolves or iotes they forwn the alpha, they lick them,
they almost bow down to them as a way of
basically saying, you know, no need to dominate over me,
like I'm already letting you. You don't need to teach
me the hard way. I get it already. Fawning is
(19:15):
a way of surviving, a very deeply entrenched way of
surviving by prioritizing others' needs and feelings to maintain your
own safety. In childhood, for you, this may have looked
like being the good kid who never caused trouble, who
always agreed quickly apologized for anything that upset a teacher
(19:35):
or a parent. You learned that you were safest when
you made friends with the potential individual who might harm you,
either emotionally or physically, and this becomes this underlying message
throughout our life. I'm only safe if I am agreeable.
My needs are less important than yours. I must not
(19:58):
upset the balance. And this is really what we're doing
this entire time. We're fawning. Whether it is because of
a safety seeking scenario, whether it is to reduce our
anxiety around being perceived strangely, whether it is OCD, whether
it is learnt. What we are trying to do is say,
(20:19):
don't hurt me. I am not someone that you need
to be mad at. Okay, we're going to take a
short break, but when we return, we're going to explore
why this may have such an impact on us in
our twenties, and finally, how we can start to undo
this very deeply ingrained habit. So stay with us. Let's
(20:42):
turn our attention specifically to how this plays out in
our twenties. This is obviously a decade of intense growth,
of self discovery, of building very foundational adult relationships and careers.
Chronic apologizing, when it's pervasive and ingrained, can impact us
in those really critical areas. Firstly, it significantly impacts our
(21:05):
relationships and I'm talking about all relationships here, are not
just romantic partnerships, but friendships, family, even the connection that
you have with yourself. A massive part of this is
because it can act as a way that blurs boundaries.
When you constantly apologize, you're essentially sending a subtle, off
an unconscious message to others that your needs, opinions, even
(21:28):
your mere presence are secondary to their comfort. This, of course,
makes it incredibly difficult to set healthy boundaries. For instance,
if you apologize for saying no to an invitation or
for expressing a preference in a group decision, you are
inadvertently teaching others that they can push back, that your
(21:50):
boundaries are negotiable, or that you feel guilty for having them.
You know, most people who love you and who care
about you, they won't push that respect what you want,
and they will respect your decision. But god forbid you
encounter someone who wants something from you that you don't
want to give them, or who was naturally manipulative. Manipulative
(22:13):
people are incredibly socially aware, and they can see this
habit and use it against you. They know that saying
sorry often means I feel guilty for what I'm saying
I feel guilty for letting you down, and so if
they just push that button a few more times, maybe
you'll give in. This dynamic is particularly interesting when we
look at gender differences in communication styles. Research by linguists
(22:38):
and social psychologists have explored how women often use apologies
and other softening language more frequently than men, sometimes as
a way to maintain rapport or to avoid perceived aggression.
And whilst this can be a really valuable social tool
in some contexts, you know, trying to avoid aggravating someone,
(23:00):
trying to tone down potentially volatile situations, when it becomes
chronic and across different contexts, it can inadvertently diminish our assertiveness.
It makes it harder to be perceived as someone with clear,
non negotiable boundaries, and that leads to feelings of resentment
or being taken advantage of. It means that we don't
(23:22):
feel like we can be assertive anymore, that we don't
have the voice for that. A study published in twenty ten,
it was published in Psychological Sciences, It found that women
tend to apologize more than men, not just because they've
necessarily done more things wrong, but because often we perceive
our behavior in public settings as inherently offensive or intrusive.
(23:48):
We feel like me existing, me being loud, that's not palatable,
that's not enjoyable. People don't want to hear from me.
And this can have huge implications in terms of how
willing we are to speak up for ourselves when a
partner hurts our feelings, when a friend crosses the line,
when our parents or our boss doesn't respect our boundaries.
(24:09):
If every statement is prefaced with sorry, or every opinion
is softened by an apology, your voice to you starts
to feel like it's losing its power. This isn't just
about how others see you, This is how you hear yourself.
Your internal voice begins to mirror your external one, reinforcing
(24:29):
the idea that your thoughts and your feelings they aren't
valid and less cushioned by an apology. And that can
even mean that when we're just thinking private thoughts to ourselves,
like oh, I would really like to do that, or
I would really like to achieve that thing, or I
think I really deserve to be treated better, this other
part of us goes no, No, you're not shrink down,
(24:51):
stay small, don't make a fuss that part of you
that has been pleasing others really starts to enforce some
very strong and harsh rules upon what you think you
can ask of yourself and what you think you deserve,
which is when we start to self abandon. Is when
we start to say, oh, yeah, I don't deserve that thing,
(25:13):
even though no one has told you that you don't
deserve it, or no, I shouldn't ask for anything else,
even though you know the universe isn't greedy. The universe
has a lot to give. People want to give you things,
they want to be kind to you. I've often found
with my friends who apologize a lot and who don't
really ask for things, I'm like waiting for them to
(25:34):
ask me for something. Like my sister is someone who
is like this, and she never asks for anything from anybody,
and the moments that she does, I'm so excited by it.
Because someone who loves you and who cares about you
like wants to be able to reassure you and validate you,
and wants to be able to give ironically despite best intentions.
(25:55):
And I debated whether to talk about this, but I
think it's important. Apologizing can actually create a lot of
distance within relationships, you know, think about it. If we're
not really expressing what we think and we feel we're
not letting ourselves be authentic, it means that someone doesn't
really know how to love us better. There's not really
(26:18):
a genuine connection there that's built on self expression and
vulnerability because you are showing up as someone in this
relationship who isn't really you. You're showing up as the person
that you think someone else wants you to be, and
so this person can't really get to know you, like
there's a wall, there is a layer that they're never
(26:39):
going to crack, and that can make it really hard
to grow together, especially if there is a constant need
to appease them. Sometimes they can also be a frustration
of like stop thinking only about me and let me
think about you. That can make them feel like maybe
you don't trust them. That can make them feel like
maybe you think you need to make yourself smaller for them,
(27:00):
that they're a bad partner. In professional settings as well,
excessive apologizing, you know, it can inadvertently signal a lack
of confidence, a lack of competence. It can kind of
subtly undermine your presence in meetings in the workplace, at
lunches in professional settings, basically because you send a signal
(27:23):
to others that you don't trust yourself and that you
feel like an imposition, so perhaps they start to see
it your way.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
They start to.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
Say, well, if that person believes that they are useless
and that what they're saying is annoying or frustrating, well
maybe what they think about themselves is right, and I
should start to think about them that way as well.
A twenty ten study actually found that, you know, uncertain
language apologetic language can really diminish your perceived authority, but
(27:55):
it can also make you come off as insincere, and
it can mean that people trust to you less. So
the paradox of chronic apologizing is that we do it
to make other people happy, and we do it to
make our anxiety less in the face of other people
and around other people. But actually it leads to the
(28:17):
opposite outcomes. It makes you feel less seen, makes people
value you less, and it makes you more isolated. It's a,
you know, a survival strategy that ultimately we do have
to find a way around. We have to find a
way around this idea that we have to be small,
that we have to be nice, that we have to
be kind and appealing and appeasing in order to get
(28:41):
what we want. So, now that we know why this happens,
now that we understand the consequences, let's really attempt to
rewire this automatic response and build a new, healthier one.
This definitely takes patience. Most importantly, it takes a lot
of self compassion. There is no shame in chronic apologizing,
(29:03):
There is no embarrassment to it. How other people see
you as a result of this, or as a result
of not doing this is actually not your problem. But
let's find a way to rewire it for you so
that you feel like you're taking up less space and
perhaps are just less exhausted from constantly needing to be
protecting yourself in this way. The first and arguably most
(29:27):
crucial step is simply noticing it. You know you cannot
change what you are not aware of, So identify your triggers.
Start paying attention to when you apologize. Is it with
certain people, a certain kind of person, specific situations? Is
it when you're feeling a particular emotion, like insecurity or
(29:48):
fear of judgment? Maybe you notice it more when you're
asking for something or when you're expressing a differing opinion
compared to neutral situations. It's particularly important to not if
it's around certain people, because that's going to really, I think,
factor into your assessment as to whether you are your
most unique, authentic version of you with these people and
(30:10):
whether perhaps they're not the most well suited to be
in your life. Next, I want you to really challenge
your automatic thoughts. As we've said already in this episode,
this is a habit. This is a habit that has
been built on the fact that apologizing has brought you
some kind of relief or some kind of pleasant feeling,
even if that pleasant feeling is the removal of a
(30:33):
negative feeling. So once you start noticing the habit, you
have to begin to question the thoughts that fuel it.
To do this, we really want to start to question
why we feel the need to apologize. When you catch
yourself mid apology, ask yourself, what am I really apologizing for? Here?
Is anyone really that mad at me? Did I really
(30:56):
do anything that bad? Am I really sorry? Is the
thing that I feel sorry for actually something that I
should feel sorry for? Or have I just asked for
something that I needed? Have I just existed? Have I
just been human? Challenge the assumption that you are constantly
doing things wrong and ask yourself, if someone else did
(31:17):
this thing, what I feel like they needed to apologize
for it? Because the answer is often one hundred percent no.
But we are much harsher and much much more severe
as critics when it comes to ourselves. If you're apologizing
to avoid a negative reaction, ask yourself, what's the worst
(31:38):
realistic outcome that could happen if I don't say sorry
right now? Often the catastrophic scenario we build up in
our heads it is far more dramatic than what is
actually going to unfold. Maybe someone will be mildly inconvenienced
for a moment, or they might not even notice. Also,
(32:00):
you're inconveniencing yourself by saying sorry. Why do you deserve
to be inconvenienced more than they deserve to be inconvenienced?
People are okay, People will tell you if they're upset.
People are responsible for their own feelings. People are allowed
to be annoyed at you and frustrated at you, and
they will get over it. They will get over it.
(32:22):
That is their problem. You're just existing. They're just existing.
They aren't entitled to a life that is free of
inconvenience and discomfort, the same way that you aren't either.
And so if they genuinely believe that they are entitled
to everyone kind of kissing their eyes and making their
(32:43):
life feel easy and frictionless and free of frustration, and
that's your job, not their job, to regulate their emotions.
That is their problem. I don't know if anyone's ever
told you this, but it's not your job to manage
everyone else's emotional state. Twenty four to seven. You don't
have the ability to do that. You don't have the time. Finally,
(33:05):
really reframe your script, both internally and externally. Instead of
thinking I must apologize I'm being such a bother, try
reframing it to something like, actually, my needs are valid.
It's okay to ask for what I need. My perspective
is valuable, even if it's different. I'm just as entitled
to the space as they are. This isn't about becoming inconsiderate.
(33:28):
In fact, I don't think you could ever be inconsiderate
considering where you're coming from. Right, A chronic apologizer is
never going to turn into someone who is brutally rude
because that part of them is always going to be
there kind of but it's really about just affirming your
right to exist and to express yourself authentically. I also
(33:49):
think the power of the pause here is so key.
This is your new best friend. Before the sorry automatically
tumbles out, take a tiny breath, just a second, or
to take a pause and decide whether you're going to
apologize rather than just letting it come out of your mouth.
And if you want to say sorry, try and replace
(34:12):
it with a better alternative, try and swap it out.
I'm going to give you some examples here, and I'm
going to give you a bit of a list because
I think it's really helpful to have it in your mind,
Like some examples of what you could say as an alternative.
Instead of saying sorry to bother you when asking for help,
try something like excuse me, do you have a moment,
(34:34):
or when you have a chance, could you help me
with this? Or even just a simple like hi, I
have a question. Instead of saying sorry for the delay
in replying, try thanks for your patience. I use this
all the time, like I have nothing to apologize for
if I didn't get to someone's email because I was
(34:57):
getting to other people's emails or I was doing other
thing things, So saying thank you puts the onus on
them and saying I appreciate you rather than I feel
like I've done something wrong, And it really does change
the tone to be one that's a lot more positive.
Instead of you having to say sorry, and then I
have to say like, oh no, it's no problem, and
you have to say, oh yeah, nobody, Actually I'm really sorry.
(35:19):
It's like no, thank you and they say yeah, you're
very welcome. You know, it's a much nicer, more positive interaction.
Instead of saying sorry to interrupt or sorry, can I
just say something in a meeting or at work or
with friends, try I actually have a thought on that,
or could I actually add something here, or just simply
(35:40):
waiting for a natural pause in the conversation. When someone
bumps into you, this is a classic. Instead of automatically
saying sorry, try saying nothing or a simple oh, excuse me,
if you genuinely need to pass, or if you know
they've bumped into you and you're like, you have to
(36:02):
say sorry to me, dude, you come on your turn.
Hate I hate doing this, like I hate when I
do this I had to call myself out on this.
The other day, I had my dog Tylo at the
dog park and someone's dog like ran up and like
was barking at her and trying to basically like attack her.
(36:22):
And I obviously had full control over her, and she
was just looking at me, like what is this person doing?
And the guy like comes up and I'm like, oh sorry,
oh sorry. He didn't say sorry to me once, and
yet his dog was off leash and running at mine
and making us feel uncomfortable. He just looked at me
and was like, oh, no worries. And I left that
(36:43):
interaction just being like what just happened? Like this guy
probably thinks he's done nothing wrong, and I feel really
terrible and I feel like, I don't know. I just
felt like he had so much power over me in
that situation because I said sorry. I wish i'd said
something else, but that's what we're talking about here today. Finally,
instead of saying something like sorry for rambling or sorry
(37:06):
for taking up your time, which is a big one,
I think we often feel like we can't take up
as much verbal space as other people. We need to
be quiet. If you're someone who is constantly thinking like,
are we talking the same amount? Is that person talking
as much as I am? And should I talk less?
This one's for you instead. I want you to try
saying thank you so much for listening or thanks for
(37:28):
letting me share that again. It's that same switch. Instead
of feeling like you are at a deficit, make the
other person feel like they're in an addition, like they've
they've been a good person. Make them feel like they're
being celebrated for being so nice and giving you space.
It's also super helpful to practice saying no to things
you don't want to do or you just can't do,
(37:50):
without feeling like you have to give an explanation. I
have been trying to do this more. I'm getting better
at it. I used to find that if I was
canceling plans, I'd have to be like, so sorry, I'm
canceling plans. Actually, like there's been mucus coming out of
my nose for the last twelve hours, and I promise
I'm sick, Like do you want a photo? Like I
can give you an explanation, And people would be like no,
(38:10):
like if you're sick, you're sick, Like it's fine, So
simply just saying like I can't make it, but thank
you for the invitation, or I don't really have the
time right now, or no, sorry, I can't make it
that night is often enough. You don't owe everyone a
detailed excuse cushioned with sorries. Maybe you owe a close
friend that if you can't work and your boss is
(38:31):
asking you to do an extra shift, sorry I can't
make it. You don't need to give them an excuse.
They are not any more entitled to your time than
you are. If someone you know wants something from you,
like really late at night, like you don't actually have
to do it for them. Your whole life does not
exist to make someone else's life more convenient. No is
(38:52):
a complete sentence. No is a complete sentence, as abrupt
and cold as it might initially feel, a philosophy that
I've been trying to live by more and more and
it's gonna sound weird. Is I'm allowed to be an asshole?
Sometimes you have to be the asshole. Sometimes you have
(39:12):
to be the one that's going to stand up for
yourself and piss people off. It's okay, like they'll get
over it. I don't know when people do it to me.
I get over it. Actually I admire them more. You're
allowed to be the asshole. In fact, it's a good thing.
You'll get more for yourself, you'll get more done, you'll
have more time for yourself, you'll feel more assertive, and
(39:34):
you'll feel like you are more capable. I think over
time creating these changes in just how simple everyday interactions
can really reaffirm a sense of self worth, a sense
of a value, a sense that you can trust yourself,
you can stand up for yourself, you are your own protector,
(39:57):
you have something to say, and it makes you feel
more authentic. I think we all hope for a time
when we can walk into a conversation and say, I'm here,
this is what I want to say, and if you
don't agree with it, or if it's something that annoys you,
like I don't really care. I'm not even thinking about
your reaction. That's really what we're all aiming for a
(40:18):
life in which we are considerate of other people, but
we also consider ourselves as being just as important in
those interactions and conversations as then, quiet confidence is perhaps
the best way to put it. Quiet confidence and self assurance. Okay,
we're going to take a short break give you some
thinking space. But when we return, we have some listener
(40:38):
questions from you all about some of the more specific
parts about chronic apologizing. You want answered, so stay with us.
The listener questions for this topic were incredible. They were
so so good for those of you who don't know,
(41:00):
Like a week or two before an episode goes live,
I jump on Instagram at that Psychology podcast and ask
if you guys have any specific questions, dilemmas, stories about
any of our upcoming topics. Make sure you're following me
over there so you can participate in future episodes. But
the question for this week we're super good. Let's start
(41:23):
with this one. I'm a midwife and some of my
clients do this. How can I help? This is kind
of linked to a more general question that was asked
a lot. How can I help a friend, a family member,
a partner who was constantly apologizing? I think it's by
simply asking them what do you think you need to
be sorry about? And if they don't really have an answer,
(41:44):
just let that sink in for them, you know, if
they say I'm so sorry, like I'm so sorry for
asking for this, I'm so sorry for doing that I'm
so sorry for you know, being too needy. Just say
why do you need to apologize, and really like get
them to answer you, because often they'll realize it they don't,
and that can create a lot of big mental shifts
for them. I think if they continue to say you
(42:06):
can also say something like, well, no, I'm not annoyed
by that, I wasn't hurt by that. I didn't even
notice that. That didn't impact me, So you don't need
to apologize instead of just saying you know, it's fine
or you did nothing wrong. Realize that they're looking for
reassurance and they're looking for safety. So just be soft,
(42:27):
be warm, be gentle, validate them, make sure that they
know that you know you're not upset at them, that
they don't have to continue apologizing. That they are allowed
to ask for as much or as little as they want,
especially with this first person who asked that question being
a midwife, like they should be able to ask for
whatever they want if they're giving birth. And also just
(42:49):
realize that really it is safety seeking. So the more
you create like a warm environment for them where you
ask them or you anticipate things that they're going to
ask for, so they don't feel like they have to
ask for them, the more that they will hopefully say
it a little bit less, also send them this episode.
Maybe not for if you're the midwife with the clients,
(43:11):
you might not see them enough to send them this episode,
but for a friend or a family member or someone
that you know. I think listening to someone else to
talk about it is quite validating, and understanding where it
comes from and how to stop doing it, you know,
for themselves, is super super important. This next question, is
(43:31):
there an opposite of this, like someone who never apologizes. Oh, yes,
absolutely there is. I used to date someone like this.
I know firsthand that there are people like this, and honestly,
now that I think about it, maybe that's where my
chronic apologizing came from, because I so desperately was like
waiting for him to apologize for things. Maybe I thought
(43:52):
that if I said it enough times, he would kind
of get it, like, you did something bad, you need
to say sorry. I think these people don't say so
worry because they I think it's just ego. I think
they genuinely don't believe that they have anything to be
sorry for. I think they're quite arrogant. I think they
feel quite entitled. I also just think that maybe it's
(44:15):
because they were raised by people who were like, you
know very much, you are the most important person. You
are the center of the universe. If other people don't
like your behavior, that's their bad luck. I see this
a lot with people, like the older they get as well.
It's like, yes, you get more confident and self assured
as you get older, but you also tend to give
(44:37):
less of a shit about what other people think. And
the thing that we're really trying to nail in here
is that, you know, the opposite of chronic apologizing isn't
being completely inconsiderate and rude. Actually, we want to find
that balance where it's like, you care equally about someone
else as you as much as you do yourself. Perhaps
(44:59):
you care about yourself a little bit more, but there
is still caring compassion there. So, yeah, there are definitely
people who never apologize, and the most frustrating thing about
it is that these are the kind of people who
never realized why it's a problem, and it's just stubbornness. Really,
it's stubbornness and it's ego, and yeah, it's definitely not
a good habit. Is there a link to a religious upbringing.
(45:23):
I was raised Catholic, and I feel like that is
a large reason why I constantly need to say sorry.
I think with Catholicism in particular, there's a real culture
of repentance, right and there's a culture of guilt and
saying sorry for things that you actually don't that you
didn't do wrong or that you don't need to be
(45:44):
sorry for, and showing God that you're apologetic and accepting
mercy and accepting grace. So definitely there is a link
to a religious upbringing one hundred percent. I often find
that people who have experienced very strict religious upbringings and
strict religious environments often experience a lot of guilt around
(46:10):
taking up space or being special. They experience a lot
more guilt around mistakes. It's something that you know, yes,
mistakes are normal and they're natural, and they happen and
everyone makes them. But for them it feels like something
that they need to be punished for, they need to
repent for. So if that was how you were raised,
you know, there's a lot of guilt there, and I
(46:30):
think chronic apologizing is probably a lot more common. I'd
love to see how certain religions relate to relate to
this habit because it would be very fascinating, be a
very fascinating way of I think it would bring about
a whole new dimension of this discussion as well. This
is our fourth question, I think our final question for today.
(46:52):
What are some other ways to convey empathy or sympathy
without saying sorry, such as when a friend experience is
a loss, or if someone tells you something sad has
happened to them, such as a parent or a loved
one dying. This is something I struggle with a lot.
I think a lot of us do. Our immediate instinct
when someone says, oh, you know, my mom had passed away,
(47:12):
or my dog passed away, or this terrible thing happened
to me is to say I'm so sorry, And then
they say what are you sorry for? And then you
feel really awkward and you wish that you'd said something better,
So say this instead. That is so difficult, and you
have all my love right now, and any help that
you need, I'm here to offer it. You can also
(47:33):
just ask a question as a response, that's so awful,
but how are you feeling? Is there anything I can
do or offer support? You know, I can't imagine what
you're going through. I can come over and cook dinner
for you. I can drive you to that appointment. I
can do anything that you need me to do. I
love you, I care about you. Often the reason we
say i'm sorry is because it's the easiest way in
(47:56):
our brains to express empathy. Yes, and often it's just shock.
You know, we're not taught how to manage grief. We're
not taught how to have hard conversations. We're not taught
as a society the right thing to say. So it
is okay if you don't say the right thing. I
think it's also okay to say I'm sorry as a
first instinct, but match that i'm sorry by going deeper
(48:20):
and by offering something more. Really, try and think about
what you would want to hear, what you would need
in that situation, and that is the best thing that
you can say. That is the best thing that you
can offer them. Also, you know, just asking people what
do you need from me? What can I do to
help you? Is also so invaluable. But yeah, it's a
(48:41):
hard thing. I feel like I do this a lot.
My instinct is always to say I'm so sorry, and
then it's like, oh, but yeah, but what am I
sorry for? You know, I didn't do anything to cause this,
but I think again, I'm sorry. It is a verbal filler.
It is a blanket term that we use in so
many other situations where we aren't actually apologizing. Remember, you know,
(49:03):
if you are a chronic apologizer, it's not something that
you need to feel ashamed of. That shame will perhaps
only make it worse. I just think it's something you
need to understand that you do and really trace back
to a reason behind why you do it. And then
I want you to really keep focused on those alternatives
(49:25):
and remember that critical thing I said around the middle
of this episode. If someone is upset at you, if
someone is frustrated at you, if you inconvenience someone that's
not necessarily your problem. People inconvenience you all the time
without you realizing it, and you let them. People are
rude all the time without having to say sorry. There
are some really terrible people in this world. You are
(49:47):
not one of them, So you don't have to constantly
apologize for your presence and for your existence for anything
that you say or don't say. Like you're doing a
great job. Other people have to be responsible for their emotions.
You cannot constant constantly monitor them for them and trust
that if they're frustrated at you, if they're mad, it's
their responsibility to say something. But I really do hope
(50:09):
this episode has unpacked some of this for you. I
know it was kind of a long one. Make sure
again to listen to Mantra if you liked this episode,
if you like the psychology of your twenties, there are
so much more over there that I think you will enjoy.
And if you've made it this far, hello, Hi, how
are you? Thank you for listening. Our emoji for this
week I think is an owl. So if you want
(50:32):
to show me down in the comments that you have
listened as far as you have, an owl is the
way to go. Make sure that you are following along
on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, wherever you are listening. Share
this episode with a friend who you think may enjoy it.
And until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle
to yourself. Remember you don't need to apologize for simply
(50:54):
taking up space. We will talk very very soon.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here.
Back for another episode as we, of course break down
the Psychology of our twenties. Before we begin, I wanted
to talk about my other podcast, Mantra for just a second.
(00:44):
For those of you who don't know, this is actually
not my only podcast. It might come as a little
bit of a surprise. I don't think I talk about
it nearly as much as I should, But I do
have another show called Mantra, where each Monday I talk
about my mantra for the week and how I want
it to essentially guide me. It is like the Psychology
(01:06):
of Your Twenties, but it's kind of more spiritual and philosophical,
and it basically serves as a mental reset before you
start your week, before you have to deal with work,
with responsibilities, with family, friendship, drama, whatever it is. So
the episodes go for around thirty minutes, and they include
(01:27):
evidence backed mental exercises for really powerful mindset shifts, journal prompts,
a dive into wisdom from really great thinkers. Plus also
just like personal stories from me as well, and some
of the mantras that I've done recently that I really
really like and that I think will resonate with you
include things like I allow myself to be happy with
(01:48):
what I have, I make the best decisions with what
I know now, and I know that love won't past me.
There's so many more. So this is my ask of
you today, If you love the Psycho of your twenties,
give Mantra a listen. Just try one episode, see what
you think. It is very much a passion project for
me right now. So if you have feedback, if you
(02:10):
have mantras that you think I should do, if you
have a deep thought or dilemma that's been sitting heavy
on your soul, I'd love to hear it. I'd love
to cover it. So I'll leave a link in the
episode description. But again, thank you so much for giving
it a listen. Let's get back to the show and
what we're talking about today. Let me ask you a question,
(02:31):
how many times a day. Do you think you say
sorry five times, ten times, maybe in nearly every single sentence.
Sorry is definitely one of the most important words in
the human language. I think it is also one of
the most overused. We say it constantly in emails, in texts,
(02:52):
in relationships, at work, when we cut someone off, when
we speak up, when we take up space, even when
we haven't done anything wrong. It becomes this like automatic
filler word for us, a stand in for like please
excuse me, for don't hate me. And for some of us,
the word sorry is kind of part of who we
(03:16):
are and how we present ourselves. It's almost protective, like
we say it constantly, and I think that reveals a
lot about our insecurity, is our fear, our conditioning, And
it can also become, let's be real, completely exhausting. If
I'm being honest, I used to do this all the time.
I still catch myself doing it more than I'd like. Obviously,
(03:38):
it's super normal to say sorry when you do something
wrong and you want to express genuine remorse. But I
find that I say sorry in situations where it's not necessary.
I'm not actually sorry, and in fact someone else, maybe
even Owes me an apology. This habit has a name.
(03:59):
It's called chronic apologizing, the reflexive, often unconscious habit of
saying sorry for things that don't require an apology, and
it is a pattern that many of us fall into.
And for something so small and seemingly polite, chronic apologizing
can actually have a negative impact on our lives and
(04:19):
a really negative impact on how we view ourselves and
also how others view us. So in this episode, we
are going to unpack all of it, what chronic apologizing
actually looks like, the psychological roots of this habit, from
attachment theory to early life experiences, how it changes how
(04:39):
people see you in very strange ways that you probably
don't know. And most importantly, I think, how we can
break this cycle by actually rewriting our internal scripts for
taking up space, for being authentic, for just simply existing.
(05:01):
How we can change our internal scripts for expressing ourselves
instead of hiding behind this very innocuous, you know, self
preservation tool. So, just like all of our episodes, this
isn't about shaming. It's not to make you feel bad
for doing something that probably feels second nature. It's about
just understanding this habit and gaining some clarity and understanding why. So,
(05:25):
without further ado, let's get into the psychology of chronic apologizing.
Let's lay the groundwork to begin with, what do we
actually mean when we say that someone is a chronic apologizer. Now, obviously,
there is nothing wrong with a good genuine apology. Apologies
(05:47):
are essential in relationships because they repair, they're humbling, they
show compromise. But there is a difference between saying I'm sorry,
I sincerely accept that I have done the wrong thing
and just saying oh, sorry, I did this, Sorry I
did that. Sorry, as like a blanket statement for please
don't hate me. So, a genuine apology has a few
(06:09):
core ingredients, and an article from Harvard titled The Art
of a Heartfelt Apology actually really lays this out. So
they say that psychologically, a heartfelt apology has four main things. Firstly,
it acknowledges that the offense took place, and it takes
responsibility for the offense. It explains what happened without excusing it.
(06:33):
It expresses sincere remorse, and it offers to make amends.
For example, a sincere apology is something like I'm sorry,
I was late, I acknowledge I'm late traffic was insane,
But I should have left earlier and it won't happen again.
That's good. That's taking ownership. And when you actually then
(06:55):
end up doing something on your promise to not let
it happen again, that's even better. But when you're apologizing
constantly for just existing, for speaking, for needing things, it
starts to become something that is a skeleton of that
and at its call chronic apologizing. It's basically when we
say sorry so frequently that it begins to lose its
(07:16):
meaning and that it becomes a reflex. So think of
it almost like a filler word. So just a normal
sentence like can I just say something quickly? We have
to begin with sorry. Can I just say something quickly
before you've even said the thing? Am I bothering you? Sorry?
Am I bothering you? I didn't mean to take up
(07:37):
so much time. Sorry, I didn't mean to take up
so much time. Can I just grab that item? Sorry?
Can I just grab that item? It's this word that
we place in front of all sentences where we're asking permission,
almost to kind of say to someone I don't mean
to cause offense, don't come and bite my head off.
And it's such a knee jerk reaction, and often we
(08:00):
do it because we feel like we aren't actually allowed
to take up space. We feel like sorry is a
way for us to make ourselves smaller and more palatable
and you know, more tasteful to other people. It's a
verbal filler. And here's the kicker, this constant apologizing. It's
(08:25):
often more for us actually than it is for other people.
We think that it's about making other people happy. Really
it's about managing our own discomfort around how we think
that people will see us, and so sorry actually becomes
a very deeply ingrained internal strategy to manage our own anxiety, discomfort,
(08:48):
or fear of disapproval. Essentially, what we're trying to do
when we say sorry before any sentence is we're trying
to control how we're perceived. We're trying to soften our
presence or to preemptively diffuse any potential negative reaction, even
if that reaction only exists in our minds. And it's
essentially a mechanism to allow us to feel like we
(09:12):
are controlling how other people see us, and we're controlling
that narrative in a way that makes people not see
us as a threat, so whilst it is directed at
someone else, the true function often lies in our own
internal emotional landscape and the fact that we cannot deal
or manage the idea of someone seeing us differently to
(09:35):
how we want to be perceived, being mad at us,
being frustrated, or not liking us. You know, this is
not just a random habit. It's not just like a
funny thing. There are deep psychological roots here, and many
theories will point to early childhood experiences and the messages
that we internalized about our worth, our safety, and our
(09:56):
relationships very early on. One key concept here is self worth.
If you grew up in an environment where you felt
like you constantly had to earn love or approval, or
maybe where expressing yourself led to criticism and validation punishment,
you may have possibly learned that being small, accommodating, unassuming
(10:20):
was the safest path. Apologizing almost became a way to
shrink yourself, to make yourself less of a target, especially
if you had parents or family members who were volatile,
who were violent, or if you were in a big family.
The way that we saw this as a child was
(10:41):
if I apologized before they get the chance to be
upset with me, maybe they will accept me as I am,
rather than need to find something wrong or rather than
needing to find something to attack me. For you're somewhat
at their mercy when you're a child, right, You're at
the mercy of your pearance of older family members, of
(11:02):
older siblings, and so this becomes part of the armor.
This is also, of course a classic pattern of people pleasing,
which we've discussed on the podcast before, probably like three
years ago now if you want to listen to that episode.
But another major contributor to that people pleasing apologizing shrinking
cycle is also anxiety. For those of us with high
(11:25):
levels of anxiety, especially social anxiety, apologizing is a way
again to control the interaction, but also it's a form
of safety seeking behavior. So this refers to actions that
we take to try and relieve some of our anxiety,
specifically around things that we see as a threat. So
(11:46):
if you are someone who is naturally socially anxious and
you see interacting with other people as very scary and
you know, anxiety inducing and freaky, this sorry technique almost
becomes a self sooth. Yes, there is the example we
gave before of it being a way to control someone
(12:08):
how someone sees you, and that making you feel calm.
But also, even though you know your stories may not
be doing anything for you, it feels like this nice
thing you can return to that feels safe and feels calm.
It almost becomes a ritual. Saying sorry before every sentence
means that you can get the words out, means that
you feel more prepared. However, as much as we hope
(12:32):
that a sorry is going to diffuse our anxiety, research
does actually suggest the opposite. The two thousand and nine
study published by Cambridge University actually suggests that these kinds
of safety seeking anxious apologies actually serve as anxiety maintenance.
(12:53):
They feel they bring us a sense of relief in
the moment, but they keep the anxiety cycle going and
they negatively reinforce all we're feeling. So in the moment,
you're getting the fleeting relief from the anxiety because the
perceived reward, the removal of an unpleasant feeling, is making
you feel better. But it also means that we never
(13:13):
actually confront the possibility of not saying sorry, and of
people not liking us, and of social situations not going well,
and realizing that we are still very capable in those situations.
A lot of our fear is maintained by never actually
experiencing the thing that we're scared of. But if we
were to be put in a situation where we didn't
(13:35):
say sorry and someone was mad at us, we may
just realize, you know, that isn't the end of the world,
Like we aren't going to die because of that. Someone
not liking us is actually sometimes not even our problem.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
Now.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Whilst chronic apologizing is predominantly rooted in anxiety and people
pleasing in early life experiences, it's also worth noting a
more specific, albeit less common overlap. In some very rare instances,
excessive apologizing might actually take on a compulsive quality, hinting
(14:10):
it like a very deep connection to OCD obsessive compulsive disorder.
So that thing I was talking about before, where you
say sorry as a habit, you say sorry almost as
a ritual. You say sorry because you can't imagine not
saying sorry. You think that something bad's going to happen
if you don't do it. For someone with OCD, that's
what we would call a compulsion, a repetitive mental or
(14:34):
behavioral act performed in response to a very intrusive, painful,
distressing thought and obsession, and we perform the compulsion as
a way to reduce or prevent a dreaded outcome. So,
for example, if someone has an obsession about being terribly
rude and not having realized it and someone being mad
(14:55):
at them, they might engage in excessive checking rituals that
include repetitive apologies as a way to stop themselves from
feeling so anxious about this thing coming true. There's no
logical reason behind it. We know that saying sorry repetitively
might not actually change anything, but because it is driven
(15:17):
by this very strong urge to neutralize a negative thought,
it feels like we can't stop ourselves. If you're apologizing,
maybe feels like less than a general habit and more
like an uncontrollable ritual tied to a specific distressing situation
or belief or thought that something terrible is going to happen.
(15:39):
This might be something that a mental health professional could
use to differentiate between a chronic apologizer who is just
anxious and someone who has OCD and who this chronic
apologizing may be a symptom of. Let's talk about a
few other explanations here. One of them being social learning theory.
So obviously we can pick up apologizing as a habit
(16:02):
when we realize that it tends to make people less
frustrated at us, and if that was the childhood and
family environment we grew up in, that becomes a strategy.
Through that means as a way to stop someone from
being critical of you, as a way to deal with
an inconsistent or unpredictable caregiver, a response or a family
(16:22):
response to deal with disapproval and rejection in a family unit.
There's another way that this is impressed upon us as well,
and it's through social learning theory, where basically, if we
observe our parents apologizing a lot, we tend to imitate
that if you had a parent or a significant adult
(16:42):
in your life who was a chronic apologizer, constantly saying
sorry for minor infractions or even for their mere presence.
Sometimes you simply pick up on that habit by being
close to them, and you internalize it as a normal
way of communicating, completely unaware of its underlying psycho logical impact.
You know you saw it, so you did it. And
(17:03):
people will often say that this really comes down to
their mothers and how their mothers treated the outside world,
or were treated by their fathers, would be treated by
other people oftentimes like it's our moms who are the
ones who are made to feel very small and the
ones who apologize constantly if they're not confident, if they
(17:25):
aren't typically outspoken, And we see that, especially if you're
a woman. You see how your mom responded to the
environment and to the patriarchy, and you start doing that yourself,
and you don't really understand it until perhaps a partner
calls you out on it, or a friend starts to
call you out on it and says, hey, like, you
(17:46):
don't need to say sorry for that, But because you
saw how your mother or a parent gained reassurance through
excessive apologizing, and how perhaps or someone else in your
life used stories as a way to remain vigilant over
(18:07):
potential threats, you just can't avoid doing it. You can't
avoid it. I think a lot of this can really
be nicely explained by the faun response, which we talked
about on an episode a few weeks back on emotionally
immature Parents, But as a refresh, if you don't if
you didn't listen to that episode, fawning is basically a
recent addition to the fight flight or freeze response that
(18:30):
we all know about, fight flight and freeze basically an
in built way of responding to danger and how we
go about surviving that danger. But recently researchers have really
been identified another form of survival, which is to make
friends with the danger. To make friends with the threat.
(18:51):
This is a really weird analogy, but if you've ever
watched a nature documentary with pack animals, you might see
how wolves or iotes they forwn the alpha, they lick them,
they almost bow down to them as a way of
basically saying, you know, no need to dominate over me,
like I'm already letting you. You don't need to teach
me the hard way. I get it already. Fawning is
(19:15):
a way of surviving, a very deeply entrenched way of
surviving by prioritizing others' needs and feelings to maintain your
own safety. In childhood, for you, this may have looked
like being the good kid who never caused trouble, who
always agreed quickly apologized for anything that upset a teacher
(19:35):
or a parent. You learned that you were safest when
you made friends with the potential individual who might harm you,
either emotionally or physically, and this becomes this underlying message
throughout our life. I'm only safe if I am agreeable.
My needs are less important than yours. I must not
(19:58):
upset the balance. And this is really what we're doing
this entire time. We're fawning. Whether it is because of
a safety seeking scenario, whether it is to reduce our
anxiety around being perceived strangely, whether it is OCD, whether
it is learnt. What we are trying to do is say,
(20:19):
don't hurt me. I am not someone that you need
to be mad at. Okay, we're going to take a
short break, but when we return, we're going to explore
why this may have such an impact on us in
our twenties, and finally, how we can start to undo
this very deeply ingrained habit. So stay with us. Let's
(20:42):
turn our attention specifically to how this plays out in
our twenties. This is obviously a decade of intense growth,
of self discovery, of building very foundational adult relationships and careers.
Chronic apologizing, when it's pervasive and ingrained, can impact us
in those really critical areas. Firstly, it significantly impacts our
(21:05):
relationships and I'm talking about all relationships here, are not
just romantic partnerships, but friendships, family, even the connection that
you have with yourself. A massive part of this is
because it can act as a way that blurs boundaries.
When you constantly apologize, you're essentially sending a subtle, off
an unconscious message to others that your needs, opinions, even
(21:28):
your mere presence are secondary to their comfort. This, of course,
makes it incredibly difficult to set healthy boundaries. For instance,
if you apologize for saying no to an invitation or
for expressing a preference in a group decision, you are
inadvertently teaching others that they can push back, that your
(21:50):
boundaries are negotiable, or that you feel guilty for having them.
You know, most people who love you and who care
about you, they won't push that respect what you want,
and they will respect your decision. But god forbid you
encounter someone who wants something from you that you don't
want to give them, or who was naturally manipulative. Manipulative
(22:13):
people are incredibly socially aware, and they can see this
habit and use it against you. They know that saying
sorry often means I feel guilty for what I'm saying
I feel guilty for letting you down, and so if
they just push that button a few more times, maybe
you'll give in. This dynamic is particularly interesting when we
look at gender differences in communication styles. Research by linguists
(22:38):
and social psychologists have explored how women often use apologies
and other softening language more frequently than men, sometimes as
a way to maintain rapport or to avoid perceived aggression.
And whilst this can be a really valuable social tool
in some contexts, you know, trying to avoid aggravating someone,
(23:00):
trying to tone down potentially volatile situations, when it becomes
chronic and across different contexts, it can inadvertently diminish our assertiveness.
It makes it harder to be perceived as someone with clear,
non negotiable boundaries, and that leads to feelings of resentment
or being taken advantage of. It means that we don't
(23:22):
feel like we can be assertive anymore, that we don't
have the voice for that. A study published in twenty ten,
it was published in Psychological Sciences, It found that women
tend to apologize more than men, not just because they've
necessarily done more things wrong, but because often we perceive
our behavior in public settings as inherently offensive or intrusive.
(23:48):
We feel like me existing, me being loud, that's not palatable,
that's not enjoyable. People don't want to hear from me.
And this can have huge implications in terms of how
willing we are to speak up for ourselves when a
partner hurts our feelings, when a friend crosses the line,
when our parents or our boss doesn't respect our boundaries.
(24:09):
If every statement is prefaced with sorry, or every opinion
is softened by an apology, your voice to you starts
to feel like it's losing its power. This isn't just
about how others see you, This is how you hear yourself.
Your internal voice begins to mirror your external one, reinforcing
(24:29):
the idea that your thoughts and your feelings they aren't
valid and less cushioned by an apology. And that can
even mean that when we're just thinking private thoughts to ourselves,
like oh, I would really like to do that, or
I would really like to achieve that thing, or I
think I really deserve to be treated better, this other
part of us goes no, No, you're not shrink down,
(24:51):
stay small, don't make a fuss that part of you
that has been pleasing others really starts to enforce some
very strong and harsh rules upon what you think you
can ask of yourself and what you think you deserve,
which is when we start to self abandon. Is when
we start to say, oh, yeah, I don't deserve that thing,
(25:13):
even though no one has told you that you don't
deserve it, or no, I shouldn't ask for anything else,
even though you know the universe isn't greedy. The universe
has a lot to give. People want to give you things,
they want to be kind to you. I've often found
with my friends who apologize a lot and who don't
really ask for things, I'm like waiting for them to
(25:34):
ask me for something. Like my sister is someone who
is like this, and she never asks for anything from anybody,
and the moments that she does, I'm so excited by it.
Because someone who loves you and who cares about you
like wants to be able to reassure you and validate you,
and wants to be able to give ironically despite best intentions.
(25:55):
And I debated whether to talk about this, but I
think it's important. Apologizing can actually create a lot of
distance within relationships, you know, think about it. If we're
not really expressing what we think and we feel we're
not letting ourselves be authentic, it means that someone doesn't
really know how to love us better. There's not really
(26:18):
a genuine connection there that's built on self expression and
vulnerability because you are showing up as someone in this
relationship who isn't really you. You're showing up as the person
that you think someone else wants you to be, and
so this person can't really get to know you, like
there's a wall, there is a layer that they're never
(26:39):
going to crack, and that can make it really hard
to grow together, especially if there is a constant need
to appease them. Sometimes they can also be a frustration
of like stop thinking only about me and let me
think about you. That can make them feel like maybe
you don't trust them. That can make them feel like
maybe you think you need to make yourself smaller for them,
(27:00):
that they're a bad partner. In professional settings as well,
excessive apologizing, you know, it can inadvertently signal a lack
of confidence, a lack of competence. It can kind of
subtly undermine your presence in meetings in the workplace, at
lunches in professional settings, basically because you send a signal
(27:23):
to others that you don't trust yourself and that you
feel like an imposition, so perhaps they start to see
it your way.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
They start to.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
Say, well, if that person believes that they are useless
and that what they're saying is annoying or frustrating, well
maybe what they think about themselves is right, and I
should start to think about them that way as well.
A twenty ten study actually found that, you know, uncertain
language apologetic language can really diminish your perceived authority, but
(27:55):
it can also make you come off as insincere, and
it can mean that people trust to you less. So
the paradox of chronic apologizing is that we do it
to make other people happy, and we do it to
make our anxiety less in the face of other people
and around other people. But actually it leads to the
(28:17):
opposite outcomes. It makes you feel less seen, makes people
value you less, and it makes you more isolated. It's a,
you know, a survival strategy that ultimately we do have
to find a way around. We have to find a
way around this idea that we have to be small,
that we have to be nice, that we have to
be kind and appealing and appeasing in order to get
(28:41):
what we want. So, now that we know why this happens,
now that we understand the consequences, let's really attempt to
rewire this automatic response and build a new, healthier one.
This definitely takes patience. Most importantly, it takes a lot
of self compassion. There is no shame in chronic apologizing,
(29:03):
There is no embarrassment to it. How other people see
you as a result of this, or as a result
of not doing this is actually not your problem. But
let's find a way to rewire it for you so
that you feel like you're taking up less space and
perhaps are just less exhausted from constantly needing to be
protecting yourself in this way. The first and arguably most
(29:27):
crucial step is simply noticing it. You know you cannot
change what you are not aware of, So identify your triggers.
Start paying attention to when you apologize. Is it with
certain people, a certain kind of person, specific situations? Is
it when you're feeling a particular emotion, like insecurity or
(29:48):
fear of judgment? Maybe you notice it more when you're
asking for something or when you're expressing a differing opinion
compared to neutral situations. It's particularly important to not if
it's around certain people, because that's going to really, I think,
factor into your assessment as to whether you are your
most unique, authentic version of you with these people and
(30:10):
whether perhaps they're not the most well suited to be
in your life. Next, I want you to really challenge
your automatic thoughts. As we've said already in this episode,
this is a habit. This is a habit that has
been built on the fact that apologizing has brought you
some kind of relief or some kind of pleasant feeling,
even if that pleasant feeling is the removal of a
(30:33):
negative feeling. So once you start noticing the habit, you
have to begin to question the thoughts that fuel it.
To do this, we really want to start to question
why we feel the need to apologize. When you catch
yourself mid apology, ask yourself, what am I really apologizing for? Here?
Is anyone really that mad at me? Did I really
(30:56):
do anything that bad? Am I really sorry? Is the
thing that I feel sorry for actually something that I
should feel sorry for? Or have I just asked for
something that I needed? Have I just existed? Have I
just been human? Challenge the assumption that you are constantly
doing things wrong and ask yourself, if someone else did
(31:17):
this thing, what I feel like they needed to apologize
for it? Because the answer is often one hundred percent no.
But we are much harsher and much much more severe
as critics when it comes to ourselves. If you're apologizing
to avoid a negative reaction, ask yourself, what's the worst
(31:38):
realistic outcome that could happen if I don't say sorry
right now? Often the catastrophic scenario we build up in
our heads it is far more dramatic than what is
actually going to unfold. Maybe someone will be mildly inconvenienced
for a moment, or they might not even notice. Also,
(32:00):
you're inconveniencing yourself by saying sorry. Why do you deserve
to be inconvenienced more than they deserve to be inconvenienced?
People are okay, People will tell you if they're upset.
People are responsible for their own feelings. People are allowed
to be annoyed at you and frustrated at you, and
they will get over it. They will get over it.
(32:22):
That is their problem. You're just existing. They're just existing.
They aren't entitled to a life that is free of
inconvenience and discomfort, the same way that you aren't either.
And so if they genuinely believe that they are entitled
to everyone kind of kissing their eyes and making their
(32:43):
life feel easy and frictionless and free of frustration, and
that's your job, not their job, to regulate their emotions.
That is their problem. I don't know if anyone's ever
told you this, but it's not your job to manage
everyone else's emotional state. Twenty four to seven. You don't
have the ability to do that. You don't have the time. Finally,
(33:05):
really reframe your script, both internally and externally. Instead of
thinking I must apologize I'm being such a bother, try
reframing it to something like, actually, my needs are valid.
It's okay to ask for what I need. My perspective
is valuable, even if it's different. I'm just as entitled
to the space as they are. This isn't about becoming inconsiderate.
(33:28):
In fact, I don't think you could ever be inconsiderate
considering where you're coming from. Right, A chronic apologizer is
never going to turn into someone who is brutally rude
because that part of them is always going to be
there kind of but it's really about just affirming your
right to exist and to express yourself authentically. I also
(33:49):
think the power of the pause here is so key.
This is your new best friend. Before the sorry automatically
tumbles out, take a tiny breath, just a second, or
to take a pause and decide whether you're going to
apologize rather than just letting it come out of your mouth.
And if you want to say sorry, try and replace
(34:12):
it with a better alternative, try and swap it out.
I'm going to give you some examples here, and I'm
going to give you a bit of a list because
I think it's really helpful to have it in your mind,
Like some examples of what you could say as an alternative.
Instead of saying sorry to bother you when asking for help,
try something like excuse me, do you have a moment,
(34:34):
or when you have a chance, could you help me
with this? Or even just a simple like hi, I
have a question. Instead of saying sorry for the delay
in replying, try thanks for your patience. I use this
all the time, like I have nothing to apologize for
if I didn't get to someone's email because I was
(34:57):
getting to other people's emails or I was doing other
thing things, So saying thank you puts the onus on
them and saying I appreciate you rather than I feel
like I've done something wrong, And it really does change
the tone to be one that's a lot more positive.
Instead of you having to say sorry, and then I
have to say like, oh no, it's no problem, and
you have to say, oh yeah, nobody, Actually I'm really sorry.
(35:19):
It's like no, thank you and they say yeah, you're
very welcome. You know, it's a much nicer, more positive interaction.
Instead of saying sorry to interrupt or sorry, can I
just say something in a meeting or at work or
with friends, try I actually have a thought on that,
or could I actually add something here, or just simply
(35:40):
waiting for a natural pause in the conversation. When someone
bumps into you, this is a classic. Instead of automatically
saying sorry, try saying nothing or a simple oh, excuse me,
if you genuinely need to pass, or if you know
they've bumped into you and you're like, you have to
(36:02):
say sorry to me, dude, you come on your turn.
Hate I hate doing this, like I hate when I
do this I had to call myself out on this.
The other day, I had my dog Tylo at the
dog park and someone's dog like ran up and like
was barking at her and trying to basically like attack her.
(36:22):
And I obviously had full control over her, and she
was just looking at me, like what is this person doing?
And the guy like comes up and I'm like, oh sorry,
oh sorry. He didn't say sorry to me once, and
yet his dog was off leash and running at mine
and making us feel uncomfortable. He just looked at me
and was like, oh, no worries. And I left that
(36:43):
interaction just being like what just happened? Like this guy
probably thinks he's done nothing wrong, and I feel really
terrible and I feel like, I don't know. I just
felt like he had so much power over me in
that situation because I said sorry. I wish i'd said
something else, but that's what we're talking about here today. Finally,
instead of saying something like sorry for rambling or sorry
(37:06):
for taking up your time, which is a big one,
I think we often feel like we can't take up
as much verbal space as other people. We need to
be quiet. If you're someone who is constantly thinking like,
are we talking the same amount? Is that person talking
as much as I am? And should I talk less?
This one's for you instead. I want you to try
saying thank you so much for listening or thanks for
(37:28):
letting me share that again. It's that same switch. Instead
of feeling like you are at a deficit, make the
other person feel like they're in an addition, like they've
they've been a good person. Make them feel like they're
being celebrated for being so nice and giving you space.
It's also super helpful to practice saying no to things
you don't want to do or you just can't do,
(37:50):
without feeling like you have to give an explanation. I
have been trying to do this more. I'm getting better
at it. I used to find that if I was
canceling plans, I'd have to be like, so sorry, I'm
canceling plans. Actually, like there's been mucus coming out of
my nose for the last twelve hours, and I promise
I'm sick, Like do you want a photo? Like I
can give you an explanation, And people would be like no,
(38:10):
like if you're sick, you're sick, Like it's fine, So
simply just saying like I can't make it, but thank
you for the invitation, or I don't really have the
time right now, or no, sorry, I can't make it
that night is often enough. You don't owe everyone a
detailed excuse cushioned with sorries. Maybe you owe a close
friend that if you can't work and your boss is
(38:31):
asking you to do an extra shift, sorry I can't
make it. You don't need to give them an excuse.
They are not any more entitled to your time than
you are. If someone you know wants something from you,
like really late at night, like you don't actually have
to do it for them. Your whole life does not
exist to make someone else's life more convenient. No is
(38:52):
a complete sentence. No is a complete sentence, as abrupt
and cold as it might initially feel, a philosophy that
I've been trying to live by more and more and
it's gonna sound weird. Is I'm allowed to be an asshole?
Sometimes you have to be the asshole. Sometimes you have
(39:12):
to be the one that's going to stand up for
yourself and piss people off. It's okay, like they'll get
over it. I don't know when people do it to me.
I get over it. Actually I admire them more. You're
allowed to be the asshole. In fact, it's a good thing.
You'll get more for yourself, you'll get more done, you'll
have more time for yourself, you'll feel more assertive, and
(39:34):
you'll feel like you are more capable. I think over
time creating these changes in just how simple everyday interactions
can really reaffirm a sense of self worth, a sense
of a value, a sense that you can trust yourself,
you can stand up for yourself, you are your own protector,
(39:57):
you have something to say, and it makes you feel
more authentic. I think we all hope for a time
when we can walk into a conversation and say, I'm here,
this is what I want to say, and if you
don't agree with it, or if it's something that annoys you,
like I don't really care. I'm not even thinking about
your reaction. That's really what we're all aiming for a
(40:18):
life in which we are considerate of other people, but
we also consider ourselves as being just as important in
those interactions and conversations as then, quiet confidence is perhaps
the best way to put it. Quiet confidence and self assurance. Okay,
we're going to take a short break give you some
thinking space. But when we return, we have some listener
(40:38):
questions from you all about some of the more specific
parts about chronic apologizing. You want answered, so stay with us.
The listener questions for this topic were incredible. They were
so so good for those of you who don't know,
(41:00):
Like a week or two before an episode goes live,
I jump on Instagram at that Psychology podcast and ask
if you guys have any specific questions, dilemmas, stories about
any of our upcoming topics. Make sure you're following me
over there so you can participate in future episodes. But
the question for this week we're super good. Let's start
(41:23):
with this one. I'm a midwife and some of my
clients do this. How can I help? This is kind
of linked to a more general question that was asked
a lot. How can I help a friend, a family member,
a partner who was constantly apologizing? I think it's by
simply asking them what do you think you need to
be sorry about? And if they don't really have an answer,
(41:44):
just let that sink in for them, you know, if
they say I'm so sorry, like I'm so sorry for
asking for this, I'm so sorry for doing that I'm
so sorry for you know, being too needy. Just say
why do you need to apologize, and really like get
them to answer you, because often they'll realize it they don't,
and that can create a lot of big mental shifts
for them. I think if they continue to say you
(42:06):
can also say something like, well, no, I'm not annoyed
by that, I wasn't hurt by that. I didn't even
notice that. That didn't impact me, So you don't need
to apologize instead of just saying you know, it's fine
or you did nothing wrong. Realize that they're looking for
reassurance and they're looking for safety. So just be soft,
(42:27):
be warm, be gentle, validate them, make sure that they
know that you know you're not upset at them, that
they don't have to continue apologizing. That they are allowed
to ask for as much or as little as they want,
especially with this first person who asked that question being
a midwife, like they should be able to ask for
whatever they want if they're giving birth. And also just
(42:49):
realize that really it is safety seeking. So the more
you create like a warm environment for them where you
ask them or you anticipate things that they're going to
ask for, so they don't feel like they have to
ask for them, the more that they will hopefully say
it a little bit less, also send them this episode.
Maybe not for if you're the midwife with the clients,
(43:11):
you might not see them enough to send them this episode,
but for a friend or a family member or someone
that you know. I think listening to someone else to
talk about it is quite validating, and understanding where it
comes from and how to stop doing it, you know,
for themselves, is super super important. This next question, is
(43:31):
there an opposite of this, like someone who never apologizes. Oh, yes,
absolutely there is. I used to date someone like this.
I know firsthand that there are people like this, and honestly,
now that I think about it, maybe that's where my
chronic apologizing came from, because I so desperately was like
waiting for him to apologize for things. Maybe I thought
(43:52):
that if I said it enough times, he would kind
of get it, like, you did something bad, you need
to say sorry. I think these people don't say so
worry because they I think it's just ego. I think
they genuinely don't believe that they have anything to be
sorry for. I think they're quite arrogant. I think they
feel quite entitled. I also just think that maybe it's
(44:15):
because they were raised by people who were like, you
know very much, you are the most important person. You
are the center of the universe. If other people don't
like your behavior, that's their bad luck. I see this
a lot with people, like the older they get as well.
It's like, yes, you get more confident and self assured
as you get older, but you also tend to give
(44:37):
less of a shit about what other people think. And
the thing that we're really trying to nail in here
is that, you know, the opposite of chronic apologizing isn't
being completely inconsiderate and rude. Actually, we want to find
that balance where it's like, you care equally about someone
else as you as much as you do yourself. Perhaps
(44:59):
you care about yourself a little bit more, but there
is still caring compassion there. So, yeah, there are definitely
people who never apologize, and the most frustrating thing about
it is that these are the kind of people who
never realized why it's a problem, and it's just stubbornness. Really,
it's stubbornness and it's ego, and yeah, it's definitely not
a good habit. Is there a link to a religious upbringing.
(45:23):
I was raised Catholic, and I feel like that is
a large reason why I constantly need to say sorry.
I think with Catholicism in particular, there's a real culture
of repentance, right and there's a culture of guilt and
saying sorry for things that you actually don't that you
didn't do wrong or that you don't need to be
(45:44):
sorry for, and showing God that you're apologetic and accepting
mercy and accepting grace. So definitely there is a link
to a religious upbringing one hundred percent. I often find
that people who have experienced very strict religious upbringings and
strict religious environments often experience a lot of guilt around
(46:10):
taking up space or being special. They experience a lot
more guilt around mistakes. It's something that you know, yes,
mistakes are normal and they're natural, and they happen and
everyone makes them. But for them it feels like something
that they need to be punished for, they need to
repent for. So if that was how you were raised,
you know, there's a lot of guilt there, and I
(46:30):
think chronic apologizing is probably a lot more common. I'd
love to see how certain religions relate to relate to
this habit because it would be very fascinating, be a
very fascinating way of I think it would bring about
a whole new dimension of this discussion as well. This
is our fourth question, I think our final question for today.
(46:52):
What are some other ways to convey empathy or sympathy
without saying sorry, such as when a friend experience is
a loss, or if someone tells you something sad has
happened to them, such as a parent or a loved
one dying. This is something I struggle with a lot.
I think a lot of us do. Our immediate instinct
when someone says, oh, you know, my mom had passed away,
(47:12):
or my dog passed away, or this terrible thing happened
to me is to say I'm so sorry, And then
they say what are you sorry for? And then you
feel really awkward and you wish that you'd said something better,
So say this instead. That is so difficult, and you
have all my love right now, and any help that
you need, I'm here to offer it. You can also
(47:33):
just ask a question as a response, that's so awful,
but how are you feeling? Is there anything I can
do or offer support? You know, I can't imagine what
you're going through. I can come over and cook dinner
for you. I can drive you to that appointment. I
can do anything that you need me to do. I
love you, I care about you. Often the reason we
say i'm sorry is because it's the easiest way in
(47:56):
our brains to express empathy. Yes, and often it's just shock.
You know, we're not taught how to manage grief. We're
not taught how to have hard conversations. We're not taught
as a society the right thing to say. So it
is okay if you don't say the right thing. I
think it's also okay to say I'm sorry as a
first instinct, but match that i'm sorry by going deeper
(48:20):
and by offering something more. Really, try and think about
what you would want to hear, what you would need
in that situation, and that is the best thing that
you can say. That is the best thing that you
can offer them. Also, you know, just asking people what
do you need from me? What can I do to
help you? Is also so invaluable. But yeah, it's a
(48:41):
hard thing. I feel like I do this a lot.
My instinct is always to say I'm so sorry, and
then it's like, oh, but yeah, but what am I
sorry for? You know, I didn't do anything to cause this,
but I think again, I'm sorry. It is a verbal filler.
It is a blanket term that we use in so
many other situations where we aren't actually apologizing. Remember, you know,
(49:03):
if you are a chronic apologizer, it's not something that
you need to feel ashamed of. That shame will perhaps
only make it worse. I just think it's something you
need to understand that you do and really trace back
to a reason behind why you do it. And then
I want you to really keep focused on those alternatives
(49:25):
and remember that critical thing I said around the middle
of this episode. If someone is upset at you, if
someone is frustrated at you, if you inconvenience someone that's
not necessarily your problem. People inconvenience you all the time
without you realizing it, and you let them. People are
rude all the time without having to say sorry. There
are some really terrible people in this world. You are
(49:47):
not one of them, So you don't have to constantly
apologize for your presence and for your existence for anything
that you say or don't say. Like you're doing a
great job. Other people have to be responsible for their emotions.
You cannot constant constantly monitor them for them and trust
that if they're frustrated at you, if they're mad, it's
their responsibility to say something. But I really do hope
(50:09):
this episode has unpacked some of this for you. I
know it was kind of a long one. Make sure
again to listen to Mantra if you liked this episode,
if you like the psychology of your twenties, there are
so much more over there that I think you will enjoy.
And if you've made it this far, hello, Hi, how
are you? Thank you for listening. Our emoji for this
week I think is an owl. So if you want
(50:32):
to show me down in the comments that you have
listened as far as you have, an owl is the
way to go. Make sure that you are following along
on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, wherever you are listening. Share
this episode with a friend who you think may enjoy it.
And until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle
to yourself. Remember you don't need to apologize for simply
(50:54):
taking up space. We will talk very very soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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