April 14, 2025 • 44 mins
Our self doubts are what is keeping us in our own way. It is the foundation for our inner critic to tell us: you're not good enough, you're not talented enough, intelligent beautiful, hardworking to have the life and success you want. When we let our self doubts take control, it often means that we end up self handicapping or sabotaging before we get to the start line. In today's episode we are going to talk about the psychology of self doubt and how to silence those false beliefs, including:
- The origin of false beliefs in childhood experiences
- The impact of bullying on adult identity
- Overcoming failure and setbacks
- Imposter syndrome + self sabotage
- The power of a persona + the batman effect
- Doubting your own doubts
- Asking 'why not you?', and so much more
Listen now!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here
back for another episode. Today's episode, though you may have
already noticed, is a rerun, So over the next two weeks,
I am putting out some of my best episodes from
(00:21):
the last four years of almost NonStop podcasting as I
just take some time away to launch my debut book,
Person in Progress, A Roadmap to the Psychology of Your Twenties.
Do not fret. I will be back on the twenty
ninth of April, but I just wanted to give my
book a little bit of extra love these next two
weeks because it's a big deal and I'm not going
to talk about it too much. I'm sure you're just
(00:43):
here to listen to the podcast and probably sick of
me talking about it, but I just want to say
thank you. I want to say a huge thank you
for allowing me to write this book and put it
out in the world. This is only possible because of
you all. Because of you, guys, the listeners. Literally, that's it.
That's the only reason I'm able to do this. And
(01:03):
I've wanted to be an author since I was five.
Twenty years later, you guys made that happen for me,
So just thank you, Thank you so much. I would
obviously love it if you could pre order it, buy it,
gift it to a friend, but you've already done so much,
and I just feel honored to have had this opportunity.
(01:24):
Most of all, I'm just really pumped for you guys
to read it. I hope that you learn something. I'm
sure if you love the podcast, you will love Person
in Progress as well. But it's a really exciting time
and the main feeling I have right now is one
of gratitude. So thank you so much. Without further ado,
I hope you enjoy this rerun of one of my
(01:45):
favorite all time episodes.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show, or welcome back
to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are
in the world, it is so great to have you
here back for another episode. As we of course break
down the psychology of our twenties. Today, I'm going to
cut straight to it. Let's talk about self doubt. Let's
talk about the negative beliefs that we all kind of
(02:35):
have about ourselves that we carry through life, whether we
are aware of it or not. Doubts about our worth,
doubts about our talent, how deserving we are, our intelligence,
just a couple just to name a few, all of
which end up really restricting our potential, and they manifest
in indecisiveness, in procrastination, self sabotage, and disappointment. I think
(02:58):
it's a really rude awakening when you realize that so
often the person who secretly is holding us back from
so many of our visions and our dreams about the
future and about our lives is us. The person who
is saying no, is us, The person rejecting us without
ever giving us a chance. Is you? Guessed it ourselves.
(03:21):
It's not always conscious, nor is it our fault. From
a very early age, we get implanted with these false
ideas of what makes us worthy and what we deserve,
whether it's from our families, our childhood environment, our peers,
myths that society tells us about who gets to be successful,
and praised versus who doesn't. Even some of the setbacks
(03:44):
and failures that we experience pretty early on that really
stay with us, and these experiences become those false beliefs
within us that in turn create a core part of
our self concept and our self worth. And it kind
of sets up this weird sigh where in order to
disperse those beliefs, we have to try harder, push ourselves harder,
(04:06):
be something that we're not, and that inevitably, most of
the time doesn't end up working. If we are never
made aware of that, it can really end up putting
a ceiling on our potential and kind of disrupting our compass,
disrupting the trust that we have in ourselves. I know
this from my own experience as a teenager and very
much into my early twenties. I was so uncomfortable with
(04:29):
who I was. I doubted about nearly every single thing
that I did, from you know, my academics, to my
romantic life, to my creativity, to my friendships. And so
I really stopped myself from ever putting myself out there.
Before it even begun, I was already telling myself that
I was going to fail, and it, you know, went
(04:50):
right to the top in terms of big decisions like
not applying for jobs that I may have gotten, not
applying for scholarships that I may have gotten, not taking risks,
but also small decisions like what would I wear to class?
Who would I speak to? And I look back at
that chapter with so much I think sadness, but also
empathy for that version of me who was just crippled
(05:12):
by self doubt and spoke so negatively about themselves, was
so obsessed with being perfect, never believed that she would be.
But in the last decade, I don't want to say
that I've been on a journey because that sounds so
mystical and religious, but in many ways I have this
journey of realizing that life is short, the world is
so big, people are so swept up in themselves that
(05:33):
no one is making the rules, no one is saying
you can't more than you. And when you realize that,
when you realize that you're in your own way, is
when you really get the chance to reinvent yourself and
reinvent your life and actually do things that take courage
that you're genuinely proud of, and actually listen to your intuition.
(05:54):
So that is exactly what I want to talk about today,
when I want to hopefully teach you today how to
silence your self doubt. We're going to discuss the origins
of those negative false beliefs, how it shows up in
very invisible ways, why it can create a self fulfilling prophecy,
but above all else how we can leverage the psychology,
(06:17):
the science, our knowledge about how we motivate ourselves versus
how we handicap ourselves to really push beyond our limiting beliefs.
We have so much to discuss today. This episode has
been on my mind for a long time, so I'm
excited to share it and hopefully show you what has
helped me help you learn from this as well. So,
(06:39):
without further ado, let's get into the psychology behind why
we doubt ourselves and how to silence those false beliefs.
When we say that we are struggling with self doubt,
that could mean a few things. Perhaps it's that you
feel really unqualified at your job or at school. You
(07:02):
doubt the position you're in. Maybe you're in a leadership role,
maybe you're not. You feel insecure about your appearance, You
doubt whether anyone will ever find you attractive. You doubt
yourself when you speak up, when you contribute, when you
interact with others. Maybe you compensate for that by seeking
constant reassurance. When it comes to making a decision about
your future or even small everyday decisions, you might procrastinate,
(07:28):
not because you're lazy, not because you're indecisive, because you
aren't confident in your ability to choose correctly. This list
could go on. Basically, it's not feeling good enough, not
feeling worthy enough, hesitating to start something new because you
might not be perfect from the get go, imposter syndrome.
We're going to get to that later. All of these
(07:48):
individual experiences are what make up what we would call
self doubt. What it all boils down to is a
lack or a loss of trust in yourself, your own abilities.
Each of us has this internal compass that not only
guides us, but is guided by our deeply rooted beliefs
(08:09):
about our value. And that value is what gives us
confidence to forge ahead, confidence to believe in what we're doing,
confidence to hold ourselves highly. When we experience overwhelming self doubt,
it indicates that that compass is broken. It's darting between
north and south. And that's what doubt is at the
(08:30):
end of the day, indecision. You know, one moment I'm worthy,
the next moment, no, I'm not. I'm talented, No I'm not.
I should choose a path or maybe I should choose
path A, No, path B. I'm not sure. And this
compass doesn't get broken on its own. No one is
born doubting themselves. If you are around children, you will
see as soon as they can start crawling, how they
(08:53):
dart forward or they climb any surface, and they never
realize that they can fall, and they have this uncontrollable
desire to be curious and to explore and to experiment.
They never once question their instincts. As we gain greater
self awareness, though obviously sometimes our doubts are for our
own good, but also external forces begin to intrude and
(09:16):
they begin to cause us to question ourselves, starting with
what always tends to be our main culprit, which is
our parents and our childhood environment. I know it sounds
really really obvious to say, but our early childhood years
are so formative. Our brain is like this big sponge,
this big canvas that is taking in everything that is
(09:38):
thrown at it. Whether that is positive or not. And
there are of course some experiences that are more significant,
especially when they relate to the bond that we share
with our primary caregiver, because we are, you know, biologically
and naturally attuned to pay closer attention to those in
which we have a secure, maybe insecure attachment to, so
excessive criticism, for one, can cause us to really doubt
(10:03):
ourselves from quite an early age. If you have a parent,
if you still have a parent who is overly critical
of you, nothing is good enough. You disappoint them, you
annoy them, you don't live up to their expectations, and
they let you know that beyond just kind guidance through scolding,
never giving you praise, even when you try your hardest
(10:23):
to do what they want, you end up thinking, you know,
if this person doesn't love me for what I'm trying
to do, am I even worthy of love? Can I
even trust myself? I want to please them so much,
but I don't know how even when I try. This
causes us to really second guess everything because we become
(10:45):
afraid of misstepping, and we begin to internalize the lack
of support or the words that they say, and the
seeds of self doubt are really kind of sown at
that moment. This can also emerge when we are compared
to siblings, for example, and we again internalize a belief
that compared to them, compared to this rivalry that is
(11:08):
set up between us, we will never measure up. We
will never be good enough for our parents. They will
always have a favorite, and that favorite will never be us,
and that again creates self doubt. The final example I'll
give of this which kind of underlines all of the
previous examples, but it's basically, when there are these high
expectations that we can never meet, and it's not that
(11:30):
when we don't meet them we're still met with love.
When we don't meet them, we are perhaps met with criticism, neglect, punishment,
some kind of I don't know, behavior or discipline that
actually undermines who we are, and our sense of value
does begin to weaken in response to that. In fact,
(11:53):
according to research by the University of Nevada, a big
factor that actually contributes to imposter syndrome later in life
is hypocritical parents. Hypocritical parents who no matter what you did,
the accolades, the achievements, fawning, trying so hard, to please them.
It was never good enough, and so once again your
(12:13):
compass loses direction. That is one set of experiences that
contributes to a very innate lack of belief in ourselves.
But it's not just our parents, it's our peers that
obviously also make up a big part of that early environment.
And you know what, I don't think our peers get
enough credit for some of the pain that they cause,
(12:33):
if we can even call it credit. Next to our parents,
our peers are like the biggest influence, and their influence
is sometimes a not positive but b just tends to
increase the older we get when we get into our
teen years, the people that we are mainly concerned with
impressing are our friends. The way that I could go
(12:54):
on about the impact of childhood bullying on adult self esteem,
this episode would be ours. Because it's not spoken about
we often tend to think of, you know, once we
leave that environment, once we leave school behind, once we
leave our bullies behind, oh my gosh, we can kind
of wash our hands of this. We're done, we can
move forward. All of those negative emotional reactions disappear. But
(13:19):
if you went through that ten fifteen years ago, during
that really really vulnerable period that we all go through,
you know, during that really formative period. It's not like
those experiences of being bullied, of being excluded, of being
you know, socially, physically, verbally. I don't like the term abuse,
(13:42):
but yeah, bullied. Those experiences don't necessarily go away, and
you know, fifteen years old, you might still hear those
voices in your head when you're trying something new, or
when you're going for a promotion at work, when you're
trying to push beyond your own limits and extend yourself
because those voices were just so loud during a time
(14:03):
when your self concept was being formed, you know, being bullied,
whether that is physical or verbal, or social or you know,
exclusion that has been shown to quite literally change the
brain due to an increased exposure to the stress hormone
cortisol during that period during our adolescence where our neurons
(14:25):
are wiring and rewiring quite rapidly. What that basically means
is that the brain of someone who was bullied versus
the brain of someone who wasn't are going to look
very different, specifically in the regions that process danger in
our environment, specifically in our emotional brain. Circuits like the
amygdala that processes fear and the areas of our brain
(14:48):
that process a specific kind of pain called social pain,
the pain that follows experiences of rejection, of loss, of ostracism.
When they looked at the line long term consequences of this,
people bullied as children showed heightened levels of social anxiety,
heightened levels of perfectionism, and of course self doubt during
(15:12):
that time. I think we can all kind of remember this.
We really really care about what others think about us.
We really care about whether we have enough friends. We
really care about what the cool girl a cool guy like,
whether they think that we're also cool. Like, it's just
this constant social anxiety that is buzzing below the surface.
And when people around you drill away at your confidence,
(15:35):
whether that is teasing, whether that is you know, criticizing you,
whether that is slight comments about your grades, your clothes,
you lose that innate trust you have in yourself, and
you lose that kind of innate trust you have in
your value, and you withdraw you shelter yourself away from
potentially being hurt again or being bruised again by these
(15:58):
same people. Are the same experience and the way that
you shelter yourself is by no longer showing up, by
no longer putting yourself out there, because what this has
taught you is that when you do that, you open
yourself up to the potential to be hurt, to the
potential to be excluded or isolated or criticized, and you
don't want you don't want to endure that. It's painful.
(16:19):
So the easiest way to not endure that is to
not ever put yourself out there. This is because I
think one aspect of self doubt we haven't spoken on
yet is that it really is a form of self protection.
It is a psychological defense mechanism because it shields us
from potentially negative outcomes or emotional pain by being extremely cautious,
(16:40):
by asking us to double check, by asking us to
play it safe, and to keep ourself in a place
of comfort rather than discomfort. You know, kids are so
cruel and it's quite sad to think that, despite all
of us being so young at the time, we were
capable of doing this. You know, send me long term
deathmage to how we see ourselves and the world because
(17:03):
of that childhood cruelty and the impact that this has
on our self doubt is definitely heightened when you already
have innate personality traits like perfectionism, or you're a sensitive soul,
or you have a high baseline level for anxiety. You know,
if you are a sensitive kid. I'll go back to
that example, like I was, like I'm sure many of
us were. These things can be incredibly hard to forget.
(17:27):
And also our memory is often more attuned to negative experiences.
We have a negativity bias. So if you're still feeling
like you're reliving the trauma from a childhood bully or
a teenage bully, I honestly think that that is quite
a valid thing for you to be experiencing. I think
that those experiences don't disappear as fast as most people
(17:48):
would lead us to believe. Another thing that really causes
us to get buried in self doubt, especially the older
we get, especially when we are in our late teenage
years early twenties, are toxic or caotic relationships when it
comes to love. I know it sounds so obvious, but
you know that is where we are most vulnerable. And
so when we trust somebody or when we really want
(18:11):
them to return our attention and our affection and that
turns around and becomes insults or they reject us so
they treat us like we're too much, that we're second best.
That does some real emotional damage, and we talked about
this on last week's episode on Red Flags. There was
a twenty nineteen study that we referenced that showed how
(18:32):
negative romantic experiences play a role in the development of
our sense of self esteem, and our self esteem is
a primary contributing factor to our sense of self doubt.
This makes a lot of sense for anyone who has
unfortunately had an experience with someone you cared about or
who you liked has been the same person to break
down your confidence. You really end up losing trust in
(18:55):
yourself because you feel like, how could I have been
so wrong about self? Even though it's not your fault.
It all comes back to wait, this was a choice
for me. I chose someone who was going to maybe
treat me like this, Or what if what they're saying
is true? If I really like them, there must be
something good about them. They must know something about me
(19:17):
that I don't. So it's those early romantic relationships, even
our recent romantic relationships, that can once again really furrow
into our brain and make us doubt almost everything that
we choose to do. Beyond that, we also have experiences
of failure and of setbacks, and you know, our twenties
(19:37):
are right for them because it is definitely one of
the first times. It is the first time that we
are truly independent, and we don't have the safety net
of our parents or our teachers or of school to
catch us. So our moves, our behaviors, they're all our own,
and sometimes it just doesn't go our way, and that
causes us to retreat and doubt the compass. There will
be times in which we did our best, we did
(19:58):
what we thought was right, and it did not go
according to plan. We all have them. I remember a
few instances like this. One was when I went for
this scholarship at my university, thought I did great, didn't
get it, got knocked back, and that was something that
I ended up being really grateful for. But that's a
story for another time. And another example I was thinking
of was when I worked really hard on this assignment
(20:19):
and it was like one of my first assignments at UNI,
and I got a fifty five percent. That is a
small setback in the scheme of things I could not
tell you what the paper was about. I could not
tell you the opening sentence. I could not tell you
like anything to do with that paper. But I remember
that I got that grade, and that grade made me
question everything about who I thought I was. I thought
(20:41):
that I was smart. I thought that you know that
I was ambitious. I thought that I was adaptable, and
this kind of proved me otherwise, And how could I
trust my judgment now? It really didn't help that I
was in this competitive atmosphere. Everyone seemed to be doing
so well, everyone was succeeding. It was just me who
couldn't couldn't keep up, and I wanted to kind of
(21:03):
prove that I deserve to be there. And obviously, in
my mind, when I got that fifty five percent, I
proved the opposite. I proved to myself that I did
not deserve to be there. In the months after that,
I remember, actually this really specific instance of writing this
other essay and going back and forth and back and
(21:23):
forth on the opening line, almost feeling like I was
gonna cry, feeling paralyzed by this paper, like is this good?
I think it is. I think this is good, But
how can I tell? Because I thought that my last
paper was good and I was wrong. And this leads
back to imposter syndrome. You want to know something really
ironic but also quite quite funny. I find it funny
(21:44):
at least. My very first episode of this podcast was
on imposter syndrome. That was over three years ago, and
I don't think I have gotten any better at dealing
with it despite all the years of work that I've done.
Impostera syndrome is rooted in a lot of that doubt
that comes from a lot of those really core memories,
(22:07):
in core experiences. And no matter how much you prove
to yourself that you deserve your successes, your achievements, no
matter how far you push yourself, how much you do,
how much you achieve, you are constantly followed by this
fear that one day the people around you, or the
people that matter, are going to realize that you are
(22:27):
a fraud. You are waiting for this other shoe to drop,
despite the fact that you are probably really accomplished and
really deserving, but because you don't trust your own assessments.
You can have all the evidence in the world, all
the praise, all the promotions, everything, and you will still
feel like you tricked. Somebody. You will still feel like
(22:49):
somebody made a mistake or you just got lucky. The
problem with imposta syndrome is that the experience of doing
well at something does not change your beliefs. That thought
still nags in the back of your head. You know,
what gives me the right to be here? The more
you accomplish the you know, the more you actually feel
like a fraud, the more you feel like you've tricked
(23:10):
even more people. It's as though you can't internalize your
experience of success. At the end of the day, it's
self doubt. It's never feeling good enough, it's never feeling
like you have the right to be where you are.
That imposter syndrome can push us to one end of
the spectrum, where we are so focused on overachieving and
pushing ourselves harder and harder that we end up burning out.
(23:33):
We end up not being able to achieve anything that
we want to because we are so exhausted. And on
the other hand, it can also push us to the
other end of the spectrum, where we self sabotage or
we self handicap. There is this quote that perfectly summarizes
this for me. People never rise above the opinions of themselves.
(23:55):
That is so harsh, but it is so true, and
it is exactly what I'm mean by self handicapping and
self sabotaging. If your opinion is that you are undeserving,
that you don't know what you're doing, that you are
out of place, people know you're a fraud, you're not
good enough. The list goes on. When the chance comes
for you to prove otherwise and to step into a
(24:16):
version of you that shows yourself that those beliefs are wrong,
it is so uncomfortable and it contradicts so many of
your beliefs that you self handicap. Self handicapping is a
behavioral response to feeling uncertain about our abilities, where we
unconsciously find an outside source to blame for our behaviors
(24:39):
that protect us from feeling inadequate. You know, if you're
already going to fail, why not fail on your own terms?
To avoid the embarrassment of putting yourself out there? Why
apply for that job you are objectively a perfect for.
If you believe you're going to be rejected, why post
that photo or put yourself out there online? If you
(25:00):
know people are already going to laugh at it, why
ask that person on a date when you know they'll
say no, why not just save yourself the awkwardness? You
know it shows up in so many ways. Hopefully you
get what I'm what I'm getting at. Self doubt, when uncontained,
causes us to unconsciously limit ourselves and limit our by
(25:21):
our potential by letting sometimes life changing opportunities pass us
by and not acting because we can't possibly think that
they'd be for somebody like us. The other way that
this manifests is in indecisiveness, which some people would actually
argue is a form of self sabotage or a form
of self handicapping, an unconscious form of that. You know,
(25:45):
indecisiveness involves very much overthinking and over analyzing our decisions
before we make them, perhaps to the point that we
never do. Obviously, it's a good thing to think through
your decisions. It's good to have some healthy level of
skepticism and humility, otherwise we do via too far into
the path of arrogance. But if we are actually just
(26:07):
scared to fail, or if we are actually just scared
of making the wrong decision because we don't trust our
ability to meet the demands of this new chapter of
this new opportunity. We are actually self abandoning before we
even gave ourselves a chance. And it's devastating that we
are the ones who said no throughout indecisiveness before anybody
(26:28):
else could. We were our kind of biggest enemies in
those moments without perhaps even realizing it, because in our
mind we were just trying to make the right decision,
We were just trying to really weigh up all the
pros and cons. But actually that analysis paralysis is a
(26:48):
way of making sure that we never have to push
past the discomfort of proving our self doubts wrong. It's
interesting because people might call these kinds of India jewels lazy,
or we might you know, call them procrastinators because at
phase value, maybe that's what it looks like. But underneath
it all is this belief system that has become rotten
(27:12):
by insecurity, that is invisible to everyone around us, and
is you know, the voice of that is our inner critic.
The voice of that is this very loud, nagging sound
at our head of like you can't do that, you're
not good at you're not good enough. Imagine everything that
could go wrong. Imagine when somebody, somebody important is going
to realize that you've lied, that you're a fraud, that
(27:35):
you can't perform. Knowing what this may be costing us,
you know, our dream life, a rich life, love, friendship, money, opportunities,
What do we do about it? How do we silence
that voice that in a critic that self doubt. I
have so many tips for you, so many tips coming up,
(27:55):
including the power of a persona, the power of an
alter ego, why we need exposure to failure, and why
we should be doubting our self doubts. All of that
and more after this short break. Knowing that we have
negative doubts about ourselves is one thing. I think addressing
(28:18):
them is a whole other beast, because we are essentially
now tasked with undoing a whole belief system, one which
you know, the evidence would tell us has been around
for many, many years, probably longer than we have been
aware of it. So let's break down how we can
kind of regain control over your self doubt. Firstly, really
(28:40):
go behind your negative thoughts and your negative self beliefs
and ask what are you actually afraid of? What are
your doubts supposedly warning you of? What are they protecting you?
From what is this fear trying to tell you? Like
we said before, you know, self doubt is a form
of self protection. It's saying, you know, failure in this
(29:03):
circumstance is scary. Judgment is scary, and we don't want
to be exposed to that. So let's play it safe.
And what I want you to do is almost like
a pro con analysis of what it would mean to
listen to those self doubts and live with the fear,
or to live in spite of it. Let me give
you an example. Say you are thinking of moving it
(29:24):
to a new city, but you've been going back and
forth on it for the last six months. You're doubting yourself.
You know, can I do this alone? Am I the
kind of person who does these things? Will I have
to return in six months and admit that I failed,
that I couldn't find a job, that I couldn't adapt,
that I couldn't make new friends? What are people going
to think of me? Some days you think you can
do it, and other days you don't think you can.
(29:46):
You experience that really awful drop in self confidence, and
so you hold off making the decision. But you feel
like you're doing something because you're constantly analyzing and try
ting to essentially determine do I believe in myself enough
to do this? What you might actually be afraid of?
What might be fueling this self doubt is actually more complex.
(30:09):
You're not just scared of failing, but you are scared
of what others think. You're scared of proving to yourself
that you're not capable. You're scared of loneliness. You're scared
of your ability to tolerate change and uncertainty. But what
is the worst thing that uncertainty or loneliness or change
or transition can really do to you? Truly? You'll feel uncomfortable, yes,
(30:33):
but you also won't grow. It might be hard, it
will take courage, but any years time, you'll look back
and think, I'm so glad that I did this now,
and those memories are going to last for a long time.
When you actually go behind your self doubt, behind why
you question your ability to do something, and you look
at what fears are holding up that belief, you realize
(30:55):
that what your self doubt is trying to protect you
from is not as scary as what it is protecting
you from not doing. If that makes sense, The same
goes for things that work or uni professionally in your career.
What are you actually afraid of? What are your self
doubts trying to protect you from By not going for
that promotion, by not applying for that job, by not
(31:17):
starting your own business or creating something, you are putting
yourself out there. Is it embarrassment? Is it being seen
and perceived by others? Is it failure? Is it proving
to yourself what you always thought that you don't deserve it? Anyways? Again, firstly,
those fears are probably ninety nine percent of the time
not going to happen. You're not going to embarrass yourself.
(31:37):
You're not going to be perceived by others in a
negative way that it's going to harm you. But if
they do, is it worse than never trying at all?
Is the fear of the possibility of something bad happening
worth the opportunity of something really good happening? That can
be hard to put into practice, by the way, I
absolutely understand. But one of the ways that I do
(32:01):
it is by personifying my self doubt and speaking directly
to it with compassion and gratitude. I know this sounds
really silly, but just try it say to your self doubt, like, Hey,
I really appreciate you looking out for me. That is
so nice of you. Thank you so much for anticipating
those things. I really appreciate all the extra work that
you're doing. But I've got it from here. I'm gonna
(32:21):
do it anyways, and we can revisit later on, we'll
circle back. The thing to remember is that you are
your self doubts. You own them. They come from you,
and so you can say no to them as well.
You can say, yeah, no, I actually don't believe that. Sorry,
actually no, Like that's probably not going to happen, So
thank you for that thought. You're wrong. Moving on, the
(32:45):
other thing that really helps me with this and helps
me put things into perspective is to remind myself that
other people, people that I admire pretty much have the
same internal self skepticism and doubts as me. It's very
easy to compare pair ourselves to the people around us,
these incredibly successful people and kind of believe that the
(33:07):
only reason they have what we dream of is because
they were always confident in their ability to do so,
or that everything has worked out for them, that they
have none of these self doubts when actually, so many
of the greats, so many of the people we really admire,
have had setbacks, They have had crippling doubts that they
have had to overcome to be who they are now.
(33:29):
The person I always think of when it comes to
this is Simone Biles. The Olympics are coming up. She's
a great example. She is the most decorated gymnast, the
most one of the most accomplished Olympians in history, and
a few years back she gave this interview saying that
there had been so many times when she didn't think
that she was good enough, when she was so hypercritical
(33:53):
of her performance, that, in her words, she couldn't remember
a day where she didn't cry. We each come to
our dreams and our desires and our plans with doubts.
Even those who you would never believe would falter or
for one second think that they weren't great because they
are the best, imposter syndrome still strikes them down. It's
like the natural equalizer. And when you realize that even
(34:15):
these incredible athletes, incredible people, have these feelings, you also
begin to realize that maybe the only difference between them
and maybe the people who aren't on that podium. Maybe
us is that they didn't let that fear at the
root of their self doubt overwhelm them. Here's the other
(34:36):
reason why I think having these kinds of realistic idols
and seeing these examples and hearing them speak about it
is so helpful for soothing our self doubts. It really
helps us ask the question, you know, why not me?
Why can't I have that? Why can't I be her?
Why can't I dream be or take the chances that
they have Because we have the same self doubts. They've
(34:57):
just found a place for them. They've set the example,
they have proven that it's possible. And now it's kind
of your turn. Maybe you don't want to be an
Olympic gymnast, but you know, whatever it is that you
are striving towards, there is an example of somebody in
that professional in your career who has experienced the most
crippling form of self doubt and pushed beyond it. And
(35:19):
I want us to just sit for a second and
really ponder that question. Whatever it is that your self
doubt is keeping you back from, why not you? And
I want you to give me at least three reasons
chances are you can't because your fear and your self
doubt is not actually rational. It's just kind of betting
(35:40):
on you listening to it blindly and obeying what it's
telling you to do. Being indecisive. It's betting on you
not taking risks. It's betting on you playing it safe,
when actually, when you really drill down into it, the
reasons to not do something are often a lot less
persuasive than the reasons to do something. Here's how we
(36:01):
counteract that. Make a persona for yourself. Create a version
of you. Visualize a character that would do all the
things that you believe that you can't. Base that persona
off of the people you admire who did what you
dream to do, even if they're fictional. Base that persona
off of your ideal vision of your future self, or
(36:21):
your idols or your wildest dreams, and give them a name.
And then the question is between doubting yourself and doing
the thing, whatever it is. Ask yourself, Okay, what would
my persona do? What would this version of me, who
is everything I want to be, who is all the
great parts of everybody else that I love and I admire?
What would they take the risks. You know, they wouldn't
(36:43):
think twice. Would they put themselves out there? Of course
they would. Would they wear this weird outfit? Of course
they would. And there you go. They are the justification
for doing all the things that you maybe wouldn't do otherwise.
Be like, you know, well, I wasn't going to take
that solo trip, but Patricia, my alter ego made me
wanted me to go, so I guess I have to go.
I wasn't going to apply for that promotion or ask
(37:04):
that person out, but you know, Ronaldo would do it,
and I've got to, you know, do it for Ronaldo.
I've got to do it for this alter ego. I've
got to be this version and vision of me that
I believe in and that is possible. Become that persona,
become this alter ego, you know, make them responsible for
the things that you are scared to do. The benefits
(37:26):
of this are amazing. Greater performance, greater confidence, more will power,
quicker decision making. In psychology, it's called the Batman effect,
and the reason it works is because it allows us
to separate ourselves from all the negative beliefs, our past,
our memories, whatever is holding us back and It projects
(37:46):
only the best parts of ourselves onto this. You know,
I don't want to say false, this fantasy version of us.
It kind of rains in the undesirable feelings that are
holding us back. Through this very effective form of self distancing.
When I want to stop getting in my own way,
I think about what Gemma with a G would do.
(38:07):
She wouldn't think about other's opinions before her own. Gemma
with the G is totally confident, totally self aware. She
wouldn't doubt herself before she expressed what she was feeling.
She wouldn't stop herself saying yes to cool things or
going places where she knew no one. That's what Gemma
with a G would do, and I want to do
right by her. So try this persona alter ego tip
(38:30):
for just a week, Apply it where necessary, and see
if it changes anything. Think it's almost like thinking from
a place of your ideal self rather than your scared self,
rather than your doubting self. If your self doubt is
especially linked to procrastination and indecisiveness, I would also say
(38:51):
train yourself to not do things perfectly every time, treat
failure like an assignment almost and just do go to
the gym. Even if you don't even up working out right,
you still went. You still made a decision to go
wear an outfit, even if you know it doesn't look great,
just for like a couple of hours. Put your hand
up to host that event, or to go to that
wrong club, or anything that means you will show up,
(39:13):
even if you don't show up perfectly, because what matters
most is just being decisive, and doing that is what
we are trying to train ourselves into. You are allowed
to make mistakes. You don't have to do it perfectly,
That's okay, and you build up this tolerance for failure,
and failure is often the thing that our self doubt
is most scared of. It's like when you do cold
(39:34):
water plunges. Right. It feels so terrible at the beginning,
but soon you begin to relax into it and realize
that this actually isn't that scary, This actually isn't dangerous.
My brain is just trying to convince me that it
is to protect me. This also doesn't give us time
to get stuck in the analysis loop of do I
do it? Do I not? Am I deserving? Am I not?
(39:55):
Because our assignment is to disregard those things and just
do that. It's that SA make it that simple, Just
do it. Oh my god, hopefully I don't get sued
by Nike for using their phrase that was completely accidental.
But again, ask the question, what are you truly afraid of?
Get behind those fears and is there a chance that
(40:15):
your doubts are incorrect? That is the final part of
this My final tip for this episode. Question what your
brain is trying to convince you is fact. And remember
that if your doubts came from you, there is a
possibility that they might be biased or maybe wrong. A
lot of the time they are based on this incorrect
(40:38):
or faulty evidence. You know, this faulty evidence from our
past experiences that incorrectly made us assume that we weren't worthy,
we weren't valuable, we weren't talented, we weren't intelligent. And
because those doubts are actually originating from inside of you,
they have an internal origin. Once again, you can choose
to say, yeah, you know, I don't think that's right.
(40:58):
I'm just going to choose to not believe this today.
I'm going to choose to not believe that I don't
deserve this. I'm going to believe that there wasn't a mistake,
that I didn't just get lucky, that I'm here for
a reason, because that belief and my self doubt are
both coming from me, and they both have the capacity
to be true. So I'm going to do it anyways.
(41:21):
I'm going to be myself anyways. I'm going to show
up anyways, some final reminders, because you know, I love
to close my episodes out with a little pep talk
to hype you guys up, to get you to apply
what I'm hoping you've learned. Please remember that most of
us don't just explode right out the gate. Most of
us do spend some time doubting our own abilities in
(41:43):
some capacity. The difference is whether you let that define
your reality or you let it just be a thought.
It can be hard when your in a critic is loud,
but once again, your inner critic is your own voice.
You and your inner critic are one and the same,
so you are actually able to replace those beliefs with
a better and more real understanding of who you are,
(42:06):
which is someone who is competent, confident, a risk taker
willing to bet on themselves, someone who learns from setbacks,
and who if you've made it this far, is obviously
deeply committed to becoming your best self. So don't let
yourself be to blame for I guess holding you back.
Don't you get to the end of your life and
realize that nobody ever actually said no or turned you
(42:29):
away or turned you down. You did it before they
even had the chance, so you never really put yourself
in the running. I don't want that to be your reality.
So I'm giving you a big hug through the microphone
and a big you can fucking do it, because you can.
You absolutely can. Your self doubts do not control you.
And as always, I just really hope that you enjoyed
(42:52):
this episode. At the least, I hope that you learned
something new about yourself, about your life, or about your psychology.
As always, if you feel like there is somebody in
your life who could benefit from this, please feel free
to share with them. Make sure that you are following
along for new episodes. I just got to say, We've
(43:12):
got some amazing ones coming out soon. I am so
excited for next week's episode, in particular, maybe it's already
out by the time you're listening to this, but listen
to that one next. If that is the case, and
if you could give us a five star review on
Apple Podcasts or Spotify, that also really helps the show
to grow and reach a new audience. If you enjoyed
(43:33):
this episode, if you have feedback, and more importantly, if
you have a topic suggestion something about the psychology of
your twenties that we have not yet covered, I would
love to hear from you. Make sure that you are
following along at that psychology podcast or you can follow
me at Gemma Spake. And until next time, be safe,
be kind, be gentle to yourself, and we will talk soon.
Hello, everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here
back for another episode. Today's episode, though you may have
already noticed, is a rerun, So over the next two weeks,
I am putting out some of my best episodes from
(00:21):
the last four years of almost NonStop podcasting as I
just take some time away to launch my debut book,
Person in Progress, A Roadmap to the Psychology of Your Twenties.
Do not fret. I will be back on the twenty
ninth of April, but I just wanted to give my
book a little bit of extra love these next two
weeks because it's a big deal and I'm not going
to talk about it too much. I'm sure you're just
(00:43):
here to listen to the podcast and probably sick of
me talking about it, but I just want to say
thank you. I want to say a huge thank you
for allowing me to write this book and put it
out in the world. This is only possible because of
you all. Because of you, guys, the listeners. Literally, that's it.
That's the only reason I'm able to do this. And
(01:03):
I've wanted to be an author since I was five.
Twenty years later, you guys made that happen for me,
So just thank you, Thank you so much. I would
obviously love it if you could pre order it, buy it,
gift it to a friend, but you've already done so much,
and I just feel honored to have had this opportunity.
(01:24):
Most of all, I'm just really pumped for you guys
to read it. I hope that you learn something. I'm
sure if you love the podcast, you will love Person
in Progress as well. But it's a really exciting time
and the main feeling I have right now is one
of gratitude. So thank you so much. Without further ado,
I hope you enjoy this rerun of one of my
(01:45):
favorite all time episodes.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show, or welcome back
to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are
in the world, it is so great to have you
here back for another episode. As we of course break
down the psychology of our twenties. Today, I'm going to
cut straight to it. Let's talk about self doubt. Let's
talk about the negative beliefs that we all kind of
(02:35):
have about ourselves that we carry through life, whether we
are aware of it or not. Doubts about our worth,
doubts about our talent, how deserving we are, our intelligence,
just a couple just to name a few, all of
which end up really restricting our potential, and they manifest
in indecisiveness, in procrastination, self sabotage, and disappointment. I think
(02:58):
it's a really rude awakening when you realize that so
often the person who secretly is holding us back from
so many of our visions and our dreams about the
future and about our lives is us. The person who
is saying no, is us, The person rejecting us without
ever giving us a chance. Is you? Guessed it ourselves.
(03:21):
It's not always conscious, nor is it our fault. From
a very early age, we get implanted with these false
ideas of what makes us worthy and what we deserve,
whether it's from our families, our childhood environment, our peers,
myths that society tells us about who gets to be successful,
and praised versus who doesn't. Even some of the setbacks
(03:44):
and failures that we experience pretty early on that really
stay with us, and these experiences become those false beliefs
within us that in turn create a core part of
our self concept and our self worth. And it kind
of sets up this weird sigh where in order to
disperse those beliefs, we have to try harder, push ourselves harder,
(04:06):
be something that we're not, and that inevitably, most of
the time doesn't end up working. If we are never
made aware of that, it can really end up putting
a ceiling on our potential and kind of disrupting our compass,
disrupting the trust that we have in ourselves. I know
this from my own experience as a teenager and very
much into my early twenties. I was so uncomfortable with
(04:29):
who I was. I doubted about nearly every single thing
that I did, from you know, my academics, to my
romantic life, to my creativity, to my friendships. And so
I really stopped myself from ever putting myself out there.
Before it even begun, I was already telling myself that
I was going to fail, and it, you know, went
(04:50):
right to the top in terms of big decisions like
not applying for jobs that I may have gotten, not
applying for scholarships that I may have gotten, not taking risks,
but also small decisions like what would I wear to class?
Who would I speak to? And I look back at
that chapter with so much I think sadness, but also
empathy for that version of me who was just crippled
(05:12):
by self doubt and spoke so negatively about themselves, was
so obsessed with being perfect, never believed that she would be.
But in the last decade, I don't want to say
that I've been on a journey because that sounds so
mystical and religious, but in many ways I have this
journey of realizing that life is short, the world is
so big, people are so swept up in themselves that
(05:33):
no one is making the rules, no one is saying
you can't more than you. And when you realize that,
when you realize that you're in your own way, is
when you really get the chance to reinvent yourself and
reinvent your life and actually do things that take courage
that you're genuinely proud of, and actually listen to your intuition.
(05:54):
So that is exactly what I want to talk about today,
when I want to hopefully teach you today how to
silence your self doubt. We're going to discuss the origins
of those negative false beliefs, how it shows up in
very invisible ways, why it can create a self fulfilling prophecy,
but above all else how we can leverage the psychology,
(06:17):
the science, our knowledge about how we motivate ourselves versus
how we handicap ourselves to really push beyond our limiting beliefs.
We have so much to discuss today. This episode has
been on my mind for a long time, so I'm
excited to share it and hopefully show you what has
helped me help you learn from this as well. So,
(06:39):
without further ado, let's get into the psychology behind why
we doubt ourselves and how to silence those false beliefs.
When we say that we are struggling with self doubt,
that could mean a few things. Perhaps it's that you
feel really unqualified at your job or at school. You
(07:02):
doubt the position you're in. Maybe you're in a leadership role,
maybe you're not. You feel insecure about your appearance, You
doubt whether anyone will ever find you attractive. You doubt
yourself when you speak up, when you contribute, when you
interact with others. Maybe you compensate for that by seeking
constant reassurance. When it comes to making a decision about
your future or even small everyday decisions, you might procrastinate,
(07:28):
not because you're lazy, not because you're indecisive, because you
aren't confident in your ability to choose correctly. This list
could go on. Basically, it's not feeling good enough, not
feeling worthy enough, hesitating to start something new because you
might not be perfect from the get go, imposter syndrome.
We're going to get to that later. All of these
(07:48):
individual experiences are what make up what we would call
self doubt. What it all boils down to is a
lack or a loss of trust in yourself, your own abilities.
Each of us has this internal compass that not only
guides us, but is guided by our deeply rooted beliefs
(08:09):
about our value. And that value is what gives us
confidence to forge ahead, confidence to believe in what we're doing,
confidence to hold ourselves highly. When we experience overwhelming self doubt,
it indicates that that compass is broken. It's darting between
north and south. And that's what doubt is at the
(08:30):
end of the day, indecision. You know, one moment I'm worthy,
the next moment, no, I'm not. I'm talented, No I'm not.
I should choose a path or maybe I should choose
path A, No, path B. I'm not sure. And this
compass doesn't get broken on its own. No one is
born doubting themselves. If you are around children, you will
see as soon as they can start crawling, how they
(08:53):
dart forward or they climb any surface, and they never
realize that they can fall, and they have this uncontrollable
desire to be curious and to explore and to experiment.
They never once question their instincts. As we gain greater
self awareness, though obviously sometimes our doubts are for our
own good, but also external forces begin to intrude and
(09:16):
they begin to cause us to question ourselves, starting with
what always tends to be our main culprit, which is
our parents and our childhood environment. I know it sounds
really really obvious to say, but our early childhood years
are so formative. Our brain is like this big sponge,
this big canvas that is taking in everything that is
(09:38):
thrown at it. Whether that is positive or not. And
there are of course some experiences that are more significant,
especially when they relate to the bond that we share
with our primary caregiver, because we are, you know, biologically
and naturally attuned to pay closer attention to those in
which we have a secure, maybe insecure attachment to, so
excessive criticism, for one, can cause us to really doubt
(10:03):
ourselves from quite an early age. If you have a parent,
if you still have a parent who is overly critical
of you, nothing is good enough. You disappoint them, you
annoy them, you don't live up to their expectations, and
they let you know that beyond just kind guidance through scolding,
never giving you praise, even when you try your hardest
(10:23):
to do what they want, you end up thinking, you know,
if this person doesn't love me for what I'm trying
to do, am I even worthy of love? Can I
even trust myself? I want to please them so much,
but I don't know how even when I try. This
causes us to really second guess everything because we become
(10:45):
afraid of misstepping, and we begin to internalize the lack
of support or the words that they say, and the
seeds of self doubt are really kind of sown at
that moment. This can also emerge when we are compared
to siblings, for example, and we again internalize a belief
that compared to them, compared to this rivalry that is
(11:08):
set up between us, we will never measure up. We
will never be good enough for our parents. They will
always have a favorite, and that favorite will never be us,
and that again creates self doubt. The final example I'll
give of this which kind of underlines all of the
previous examples, but it's basically, when there are these high
expectations that we can never meet, and it's not that
(11:30):
when we don't meet them we're still met with love.
When we don't meet them, we are perhaps met with criticism, neglect, punishment,
some kind of I don't know, behavior or discipline that
actually undermines who we are, and our sense of value
does begin to weaken in response to that. In fact,
(11:53):
according to research by the University of Nevada, a big
factor that actually contributes to imposter syndrome later in life
is hypocritical parents. Hypocritical parents who no matter what you did,
the accolades, the achievements, fawning, trying so hard, to please them.
It was never good enough, and so once again your
(12:13):
compass loses direction. That is one set of experiences that
contributes to a very innate lack of belief in ourselves.
But it's not just our parents, it's our peers that
obviously also make up a big part of that early environment.
And you know what, I don't think our peers get
enough credit for some of the pain that they cause,
(12:33):
if we can even call it credit. Next to our parents,
our peers are like the biggest influence, and their influence
is sometimes a not positive but b just tends to
increase the older we get when we get into our
teen years, the people that we are mainly concerned with
impressing are our friends. The way that I could go
(12:54):
on about the impact of childhood bullying on adult self esteem,
this episode would be ours. Because it's not spoken about
we often tend to think of, you know, once we
leave that environment, once we leave school behind, once we
leave our bullies behind, oh my gosh, we can kind
of wash our hands of this. We're done, we can
move forward. All of those negative emotional reactions disappear. But
(13:19):
if you went through that ten fifteen years ago, during
that really really vulnerable period that we all go through,
you know, during that really formative period. It's not like
those experiences of being bullied, of being excluded, of being
you know, socially, physically, verbally. I don't like the term abuse,
(13:42):
but yeah, bullied. Those experiences don't necessarily go away, and
you know, fifteen years old, you might still hear those
voices in your head when you're trying something new, or
when you're going for a promotion at work, when you're
trying to push beyond your own limits and extend yourself
because those voices were just so loud during a time
(14:03):
when your self concept was being formed, you know, being bullied,
whether that is physical or verbal, or social or you know,
exclusion that has been shown to quite literally change the
brain due to an increased exposure to the stress hormone
cortisol during that period during our adolescence where our neurons
(14:25):
are wiring and rewiring quite rapidly. What that basically means
is that the brain of someone who was bullied versus
the brain of someone who wasn't are going to look
very different, specifically in the regions that process danger in
our environment, specifically in our emotional brain. Circuits like the
amygdala that processes fear and the areas of our brain
(14:48):
that process a specific kind of pain called social pain,
the pain that follows experiences of rejection, of loss, of ostracism.
When they looked at the line long term consequences of this,
people bullied as children showed heightened levels of social anxiety,
heightened levels of perfectionism, and of course self doubt during
(15:12):
that time. I think we can all kind of remember this.
We really really care about what others think about us.
We really care about whether we have enough friends. We
really care about what the cool girl a cool guy like,
whether they think that we're also cool. Like, it's just
this constant social anxiety that is buzzing below the surface.
And when people around you drill away at your confidence,
(15:35):
whether that is teasing, whether that is you know, criticizing you,
whether that is slight comments about your grades, your clothes,
you lose that innate trust you have in yourself, and
you lose that kind of innate trust you have in
your value, and you withdraw you shelter yourself away from
potentially being hurt again or being bruised again by these
(15:58):
same people. Are the same experience and the way that
you shelter yourself is by no longer showing up, by
no longer putting yourself out there, because what this has
taught you is that when you do that, you open
yourself up to the potential to be hurt, to the
potential to be excluded or isolated or criticized, and you
don't want you don't want to endure that. It's painful.
(16:19):
So the easiest way to not endure that is to
not ever put yourself out there. This is because I
think one aspect of self doubt we haven't spoken on
yet is that it really is a form of self protection.
It is a psychological defense mechanism because it shields us
from potentially negative outcomes or emotional pain by being extremely cautious,
(16:40):
by asking us to double check, by asking us to
play it safe, and to keep ourself in a place
of comfort rather than discomfort. You know, kids are so
cruel and it's quite sad to think that, despite all
of us being so young at the time, we were
capable of doing this. You know, send me long term
deathmage to how we see ourselves and the world because
(17:03):
of that childhood cruelty and the impact that this has
on our self doubt is definitely heightened when you already
have innate personality traits like perfectionism, or you're a sensitive soul,
or you have a high baseline level for anxiety. You know,
if you are a sensitive kid. I'll go back to
that example, like I was, like I'm sure many of
us were. These things can be incredibly hard to forget.
(17:27):
And also our memory is often more attuned to negative experiences.
We have a negativity bias. So if you're still feeling
like you're reliving the trauma from a childhood bully or
a teenage bully, I honestly think that that is quite
a valid thing for you to be experiencing. I think
that those experiences don't disappear as fast as most people
(17:48):
would lead us to believe. Another thing that really causes
us to get buried in self doubt, especially the older
we get, especially when we are in our late teenage
years early twenties, are toxic or caotic relationships when it
comes to love. I know it sounds so obvious, but
you know that is where we are most vulnerable. And
so when we trust somebody or when we really want
(18:11):
them to return our attention and our affection and that
turns around and becomes insults or they reject us so
they treat us like we're too much, that we're second best.
That does some real emotional damage, and we talked about
this on last week's episode on Red Flags. There was
a twenty nineteen study that we referenced that showed how
(18:32):
negative romantic experiences play a role in the development of
our sense of self esteem, and our self esteem is
a primary contributing factor to our sense of self doubt.
This makes a lot of sense for anyone who has
unfortunately had an experience with someone you cared about or
who you liked has been the same person to break
down your confidence. You really end up losing trust in
(18:55):
yourself because you feel like, how could I have been
so wrong about self? Even though it's not your fault.
It all comes back to wait, this was a choice
for me. I chose someone who was going to maybe
treat me like this, Or what if what they're saying
is true? If I really like them, there must be
something good about them. They must know something about me
(19:17):
that I don't. So it's those early romantic relationships, even
our recent romantic relationships, that can once again really furrow
into our brain and make us doubt almost everything that
we choose to do. Beyond that, we also have experiences
of failure and of setbacks, and you know, our twenties
(19:37):
are right for them because it is definitely one of
the first times. It is the first time that we
are truly independent, and we don't have the safety net
of our parents or our teachers or of school to
catch us. So our moves, our behaviors, they're all our own,
and sometimes it just doesn't go our way, and that
causes us to retreat and doubt the compass. There will
be times in which we did our best, we did
(19:58):
what we thought was right, and it did not go
according to plan. We all have them. I remember a
few instances like this. One was when I went for
this scholarship at my university, thought I did great, didn't
get it, got knocked back, and that was something that
I ended up being really grateful for. But that's a
story for another time. And another example I was thinking
of was when I worked really hard on this assignment
(20:19):
and it was like one of my first assignments at UNI,
and I got a fifty five percent. That is a
small setback in the scheme of things I could not
tell you what the paper was about. I could not
tell you the opening sentence. I could not tell you
like anything to do with that paper. But I remember
that I got that grade, and that grade made me
question everything about who I thought I was. I thought
(20:41):
that I was smart. I thought that you know that
I was ambitious. I thought that I was adaptable, and
this kind of proved me otherwise, And how could I
trust my judgment now? It really didn't help that I
was in this competitive atmosphere. Everyone seemed to be doing
so well, everyone was succeeding. It was just me who
couldn't couldn't keep up, and I wanted to kind of
(21:03):
prove that I deserve to be there. And obviously, in
my mind, when I got that fifty five percent, I
proved the opposite. I proved to myself that I did
not deserve to be there. In the months after that,
I remember, actually this really specific instance of writing this
other essay and going back and forth and back and
(21:23):
forth on the opening line, almost feeling like I was
gonna cry, feeling paralyzed by this paper, like is this good?
I think it is. I think this is good, But
how can I tell? Because I thought that my last
paper was good and I was wrong. And this leads
back to imposter syndrome. You want to know something really
ironic but also quite quite funny. I find it funny
(21:44):
at least. My very first episode of this podcast was
on imposter syndrome. That was over three years ago, and
I don't think I have gotten any better at dealing
with it despite all the years of work that I've done.
Impostera syndrome is rooted in a lot of that doubt
that comes from a lot of those really core memories,
(22:07):
in core experiences. And no matter how much you prove
to yourself that you deserve your successes, your achievements, no
matter how far you push yourself, how much you do,
how much you achieve, you are constantly followed by this
fear that one day the people around you, or the
people that matter, are going to realize that you are
(22:27):
a fraud. You are waiting for this other shoe to drop,
despite the fact that you are probably really accomplished and
really deserving, but because you don't trust your own assessments.
You can have all the evidence in the world, all
the praise, all the promotions, everything, and you will still
feel like you tricked. Somebody. You will still feel like
(22:49):
somebody made a mistake or you just got lucky. The
problem with imposta syndrome is that the experience of doing
well at something does not change your beliefs. That thought
still nags in the back of your head. You know,
what gives me the right to be here? The more
you accomplish the you know, the more you actually feel
like a fraud, the more you feel like you've tricked
(23:10):
even more people. It's as though you can't internalize your
experience of success. At the end of the day, it's
self doubt. It's never feeling good enough, it's never feeling
like you have the right to be where you are.
That imposter syndrome can push us to one end of
the spectrum, where we are so focused on overachieving and
pushing ourselves harder and harder that we end up burning out.
(23:33):
We end up not being able to achieve anything that
we want to because we are so exhausted. And on
the other hand, it can also push us to the
other end of the spectrum, where we self sabotage or
we self handicap. There is this quote that perfectly summarizes
this for me. People never rise above the opinions of themselves.
(23:55):
That is so harsh, but it is so true, and
it is exactly what I'm mean by self handicapping and
self sabotaging. If your opinion is that you are undeserving,
that you don't know what you're doing, that you are
out of place, people know you're a fraud, you're not
good enough. The list goes on. When the chance comes
for you to prove otherwise and to step into a
(24:16):
version of you that shows yourself that those beliefs are wrong,
it is so uncomfortable and it contradicts so many of
your beliefs that you self handicap. Self handicapping is a
behavioral response to feeling uncertain about our abilities, where we
unconsciously find an outside source to blame for our behaviors
(24:39):
that protect us from feeling inadequate. You know, if you're
already going to fail, why not fail on your own terms?
To avoid the embarrassment of putting yourself out there? Why
apply for that job you are objectively a perfect for.
If you believe you're going to be rejected, why post
that photo or put yourself out there online? If you
(25:00):
know people are already going to laugh at it, why
ask that person on a date when you know they'll
say no, why not just save yourself the awkwardness? You
know it shows up in so many ways. Hopefully you
get what I'm what I'm getting at. Self doubt, when uncontained,
causes us to unconsciously limit ourselves and limit our by
(25:21):
our potential by letting sometimes life changing opportunities pass us
by and not acting because we can't possibly think that
they'd be for somebody like us. The other way that
this manifests is in indecisiveness, which some people would actually
argue is a form of self sabotage or a form
of self handicapping, an unconscious form of that. You know,
(25:45):
indecisiveness involves very much overthinking and over analyzing our decisions
before we make them, perhaps to the point that we
never do. Obviously, it's a good thing to think through
your decisions. It's good to have some healthy level of
skepticism and humility, otherwise we do via too far into
the path of arrogance. But if we are actually just
(26:07):
scared to fail, or if we are actually just scared
of making the wrong decision because we don't trust our
ability to meet the demands of this new chapter of
this new opportunity. We are actually self abandoning before we
even gave ourselves a chance. And it's devastating that we
are the ones who said no throughout indecisiveness before anybody
(26:28):
else could. We were our kind of biggest enemies in
those moments without perhaps even realizing it, because in our
mind we were just trying to make the right decision,
We were just trying to really weigh up all the
pros and cons. But actually that analysis paralysis is a
(26:48):
way of making sure that we never have to push
past the discomfort of proving our self doubts wrong. It's
interesting because people might call these kinds of India jewels lazy,
or we might you know, call them procrastinators because at
phase value, maybe that's what it looks like. But underneath
it all is this belief system that has become rotten
(27:12):
by insecurity, that is invisible to everyone around us, and
is you know, the voice of that is our inner critic.
The voice of that is this very loud, nagging sound
at our head of like you can't do that, you're
not good at you're not good enough. Imagine everything that
could go wrong. Imagine when somebody, somebody important is going
to realize that you've lied, that you're a fraud, that
(27:35):
you can't perform. Knowing what this may be costing us,
you know, our dream life, a rich life, love, friendship, money, opportunities,
What do we do about it? How do we silence
that voice that in a critic that self doubt. I
have so many tips for you, so many tips coming up,
(27:55):
including the power of a persona, the power of an
alter ego, why we need exposure to failure, and why
we should be doubting our self doubts. All of that
and more after this short break. Knowing that we have
negative doubts about ourselves is one thing. I think addressing
(28:18):
them is a whole other beast, because we are essentially
now tasked with undoing a whole belief system, one which
you know, the evidence would tell us has been around
for many, many years, probably longer than we have been
aware of it. So let's break down how we can
kind of regain control over your self doubt. Firstly, really
(28:40):
go behind your negative thoughts and your negative self beliefs
and ask what are you actually afraid of? What are
your doubts supposedly warning you of? What are they protecting you?
From what is this fear trying to tell you? Like
we said before, you know, self doubt is a form
of self protection. It's saying, you know, failure in this
(29:03):
circumstance is scary. Judgment is scary, and we don't want
to be exposed to that. So let's play it safe.
And what I want you to do is almost like
a pro con analysis of what it would mean to
listen to those self doubts and live with the fear,
or to live in spite of it. Let me give
you an example. Say you are thinking of moving it
(29:24):
to a new city, but you've been going back and
forth on it for the last six months. You're doubting yourself.
You know, can I do this alone? Am I the
kind of person who does these things? Will I have
to return in six months and admit that I failed,
that I couldn't find a job, that I couldn't adapt,
that I couldn't make new friends? What are people going
to think of me? Some days you think you can
do it, and other days you don't think you can.
(29:46):
You experience that really awful drop in self confidence, and
so you hold off making the decision. But you feel
like you're doing something because you're constantly analyzing and try
ting to essentially determine do I believe in myself enough
to do this? What you might actually be afraid of?
What might be fueling this self doubt is actually more complex.
(30:09):
You're not just scared of failing, but you are scared
of what others think. You're scared of proving to yourself
that you're not capable. You're scared of loneliness. You're scared
of your ability to tolerate change and uncertainty. But what
is the worst thing that uncertainty or loneliness or change
or transition can really do to you? Truly? You'll feel uncomfortable, yes,
(30:33):
but you also won't grow. It might be hard, it
will take courage, but any years time, you'll look back
and think, I'm so glad that I did this now,
and those memories are going to last for a long time.
When you actually go behind your self doubt, behind why
you question your ability to do something, and you look
at what fears are holding up that belief, you realize
(30:55):
that what your self doubt is trying to protect you
from is not as scary as what it is protecting
you from not doing. If that makes sense, The same
goes for things that work or uni professionally in your career.
What are you actually afraid of? What are your self
doubts trying to protect you from By not going for
that promotion, by not applying for that job, by not
(31:17):
starting your own business or creating something, you are putting
yourself out there. Is it embarrassment? Is it being seen
and perceived by others? Is it failure? Is it proving
to yourself what you always thought that you don't deserve it? Anyways? Again, firstly,
those fears are probably ninety nine percent of the time
not going to happen. You're not going to embarrass yourself.
(31:37):
You're not going to be perceived by others in a
negative way that it's going to harm you. But if
they do, is it worse than never trying at all?
Is the fear of the possibility of something bad happening
worth the opportunity of something really good happening? That can
be hard to put into practice, by the way, I
absolutely understand. But one of the ways that I do
(32:01):
it is by personifying my self doubt and speaking directly
to it with compassion and gratitude. I know this sounds
really silly, but just try it say to your self doubt, like, Hey,
I really appreciate you looking out for me. That is
so nice of you. Thank you so much for anticipating
those things. I really appreciate all the extra work that
you're doing. But I've got it from here. I'm gonna
(32:21):
do it anyways, and we can revisit later on, we'll
circle back. The thing to remember is that you are
your self doubts. You own them. They come from you,
and so you can say no to them as well.
You can say, yeah, no, I actually don't believe that. Sorry,
actually no, Like that's probably not going to happen, So
thank you for that thought. You're wrong. Moving on, the
(32:45):
other thing that really helps me with this and helps
me put things into perspective is to remind myself that
other people, people that I admire pretty much have the
same internal self skepticism and doubts as me. It's very
easy to compare pair ourselves to the people around us,
these incredibly successful people and kind of believe that the
(33:07):
only reason they have what we dream of is because
they were always confident in their ability to do so,
or that everything has worked out for them, that they
have none of these self doubts when actually, so many
of the greats, so many of the people we really admire,
have had setbacks, They have had crippling doubts that they
have had to overcome to be who they are now.
(33:29):
The person I always think of when it comes to
this is Simone Biles. The Olympics are coming up. She's
a great example. She is the most decorated gymnast, the
most one of the most accomplished Olympians in history, and
a few years back she gave this interview saying that
there had been so many times when she didn't think
that she was good enough, when she was so hypercritical
(33:53):
of her performance, that, in her words, she couldn't remember
a day where she didn't cry. We each come to
our dreams and our desires and our plans with doubts.
Even those who you would never believe would falter or
for one second think that they weren't great because they
are the best, imposter syndrome still strikes them down. It's
like the natural equalizer. And when you realize that even
(34:15):
these incredible athletes, incredible people, have these feelings, you also
begin to realize that maybe the only difference between them
and maybe the people who aren't on that podium. Maybe
us is that they didn't let that fear at the
root of their self doubt overwhelm them. Here's the other
(34:36):
reason why I think having these kinds of realistic idols
and seeing these examples and hearing them speak about it
is so helpful for soothing our self doubts. It really
helps us ask the question, you know, why not me?
Why can't I have that? Why can't I be her?
Why can't I dream be or take the chances that
they have Because we have the same self doubts. They've
(34:57):
just found a place for them. They've set the example,
they have proven that it's possible. And now it's kind
of your turn. Maybe you don't want to be an
Olympic gymnast, but you know, whatever it is that you
are striving towards, there is an example of somebody in
that professional in your career who has experienced the most
crippling form of self doubt and pushed beyond it. And
(35:19):
I want us to just sit for a second and
really ponder that question. Whatever it is that your self
doubt is keeping you back from, why not you? And
I want you to give me at least three reasons
chances are you can't because your fear and your self
doubt is not actually rational. It's just kind of betting
(35:40):
on you listening to it blindly and obeying what it's
telling you to do. Being indecisive. It's betting on you
not taking risks. It's betting on you playing it safe,
when actually, when you really drill down into it, the
reasons to not do something are often a lot less
persuasive than the reasons to do something. Here's how we
(36:01):
counteract that. Make a persona for yourself. Create a version
of you. Visualize a character that would do all the
things that you believe that you can't. Base that persona
off of the people you admire who did what you
dream to do, even if they're fictional. Base that persona
off of your ideal vision of your future self, or
(36:21):
your idols or your wildest dreams, and give them a name.
And then the question is between doubting yourself and doing
the thing, whatever it is. Ask yourself, Okay, what would
my persona do? What would this version of me, who
is everything I want to be, who is all the
great parts of everybody else that I love and I admire?
What would they take the risks. You know, they wouldn't
(36:43):
think twice. Would they put themselves out there? Of course
they would. Would they wear this weird outfit? Of course
they would. And there you go. They are the justification
for doing all the things that you maybe wouldn't do otherwise.
Be like, you know, well, I wasn't going to take
that solo trip, but Patricia, my alter ego made me
wanted me to go, so I guess I have to go.
I wasn't going to apply for that promotion or ask
(37:04):
that person out, but you know, Ronaldo would do it,
and I've got to, you know, do it for Ronaldo.
I've got to do it for this alter ego. I've
got to be this version and vision of me that
I believe in and that is possible. Become that persona,
become this alter ego, you know, make them responsible for
the things that you are scared to do. The benefits
(37:26):
of this are amazing. Greater performance, greater confidence, more will power,
quicker decision making. In psychology, it's called the Batman effect,
and the reason it works is because it allows us
to separate ourselves from all the negative beliefs, our past,
our memories, whatever is holding us back and It projects
(37:46):
only the best parts of ourselves onto this. You know,
I don't want to say false, this fantasy version of us.
It kind of rains in the undesirable feelings that are
holding us back. Through this very effective form of self distancing.
When I want to stop getting in my own way,
I think about what Gemma with a G would do.
(38:07):
She wouldn't think about other's opinions before her own. Gemma
with the G is totally confident, totally self aware. She
wouldn't doubt herself before she expressed what she was feeling.
She wouldn't stop herself saying yes to cool things or
going places where she knew no one. That's what Gemma
with a G would do, and I want to do
right by her. So try this persona alter ego tip
(38:30):
for just a week, Apply it where necessary, and see
if it changes anything. Think it's almost like thinking from
a place of your ideal self rather than your scared self,
rather than your doubting self. If your self doubt is
especially linked to procrastination and indecisiveness, I would also say
(38:51):
train yourself to not do things perfectly every time, treat
failure like an assignment almost and just do go to
the gym. Even if you don't even up working out right,
you still went. You still made a decision to go
wear an outfit, even if you know it doesn't look great,
just for like a couple of hours. Put your hand
up to host that event, or to go to that
wrong club, or anything that means you will show up,
(39:13):
even if you don't show up perfectly, because what matters
most is just being decisive, and doing that is what
we are trying to train ourselves into. You are allowed
to make mistakes. You don't have to do it perfectly,
That's okay, and you build up this tolerance for failure,
and failure is often the thing that our self doubt
is most scared of. It's like when you do cold
(39:34):
water plunges. Right. It feels so terrible at the beginning,
but soon you begin to relax into it and realize
that this actually isn't that scary, This actually isn't dangerous.
My brain is just trying to convince me that it
is to protect me. This also doesn't give us time
to get stuck in the analysis loop of do I
do it? Do I not? Am I deserving? Am I not?
(39:55):
Because our assignment is to disregard those things and just
do that. It's that SA make it that simple, Just
do it. Oh my god, hopefully I don't get sued
by Nike for using their phrase that was completely accidental.
But again, ask the question, what are you truly afraid of?
Get behind those fears and is there a chance that
(40:15):
your doubts are incorrect? That is the final part of
this My final tip for this episode. Question what your
brain is trying to convince you is fact. And remember
that if your doubts came from you, there is a
possibility that they might be biased or maybe wrong. A
lot of the time they are based on this incorrect
(40:38):
or faulty evidence. You know, this faulty evidence from our
past experiences that incorrectly made us assume that we weren't worthy,
we weren't valuable, we weren't talented, we weren't intelligent. And
because those doubts are actually originating from inside of you,
they have an internal origin. Once again, you can choose
to say, yeah, you know, I don't think that's right.
(40:58):
I'm just going to choose to not believe this today.
I'm going to choose to not believe that I don't
deserve this. I'm going to believe that there wasn't a mistake,
that I didn't just get lucky, that I'm here for
a reason, because that belief and my self doubt are
both coming from me, and they both have the capacity
to be true. So I'm going to do it anyways.
(41:21):
I'm going to be myself anyways. I'm going to show
up anyways, some final reminders, because you know, I love
to close my episodes out with a little pep talk
to hype you guys up, to get you to apply
what I'm hoping you've learned. Please remember that most of
us don't just explode right out the gate. Most of
us do spend some time doubting our own abilities in
(41:43):
some capacity. The difference is whether you let that define
your reality or you let it just be a thought.
It can be hard when your in a critic is loud,
but once again, your inner critic is your own voice.
You and your inner critic are one and the same,
so you are actually able to replace those beliefs with
a better and more real understanding of who you are,
(42:06):
which is someone who is competent, confident, a risk taker
willing to bet on themselves, someone who learns from setbacks,
and who if you've made it this far, is obviously
deeply committed to becoming your best self. So don't let
yourself be to blame for I guess holding you back.
Don't you get to the end of your life and
realize that nobody ever actually said no or turned you
(42:29):
away or turned you down. You did it before they
even had the chance, so you never really put yourself
in the running. I don't want that to be your reality.
So I'm giving you a big hug through the microphone
and a big you can fucking do it, because you can.
You absolutely can. Your self doubts do not control you.
And as always, I just really hope that you enjoyed
(42:52):
this episode. At the least, I hope that you learned
something new about yourself, about your life, or about your psychology.
As always, if you feel like there is somebody in
your life who could benefit from this, please feel free
to share with them. Make sure that you are following
along for new episodes. I just got to say, We've
(43:12):
got some amazing ones coming out soon. I am so
excited for next week's episode, in particular, maybe it's already
out by the time you're listening to this, but listen
to that one next. If that is the case, and
if you could give us a five star review on
Apple Podcasts or Spotify, that also really helps the show
to grow and reach a new audience. If you enjoyed
(43:33):
this episode, if you have feedback, and more importantly, if
you have a topic suggestion something about the psychology of
your twenties that we have not yet covered, I would
love to hear from you. Make sure that you are
following along at that psychology podcast or you can follow
me at Gemma Spake. And until next time, be safe,
be kind, be gentle to yourself, and we will talk soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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