July 8, 2021 • 39 mins
Ron gives us lessons on Joy, the infectious spark that keeps life magical. He thought he would sing this entire episode, but gives up pretty quickly.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome. Hello and welcome. This is the Ron
Burgundy Podcast. My name is Ron. My name is Ron.
This is an episode. I'm going to sing the entire episode.
I'm going to sing. If you don't like my singing,
(00:20):
then I suggest you turn this off. I will be
singing for a long long time. I will not stop.
I will not stop. Here with me is my co
host and friend, Carolina. Oh Cara Lina. What a wonderful
name to sing, Carol Lina, Oh Carolina, Carolina to lord
(00:48):
rue Carolina, how are you? I'm I'm fine. Oh please
sing it. It's fun to sing it. You really must,
I insist. So, Carolina, how are you? I'm not I'm
not going to sing, Yes you are. No, I'm not
(01:12):
feeling like singing today. So every day is a sing
song day? What are you talking about now? Sing? Run?
I'm serious. I don't. I just don't want to sing.
Can I just I understand? But what about just one word? Okay? No?
(01:33):
Didn't that feel just wonderful? So blunderful and wonderful. No,
I didn't hear you. You didn't sing your answers, so
I didn't even hear you. I said, no. It's like
we're in a Broadway musical. It's a musical. We're in
(01:53):
a musical. Wouldn't you say no? I would not? You
sing so well, it's like a dream come true. Stop.
I don't want to sing, but you're doing it and
it's fun. You have to admit it. You're singing and
it's fun. And now you can't stop. I can't stop,
(02:16):
and I will stop because I don't want to be
singing at all. This is the last time you will
hear me singing. What about Now? I'm done singing? And
that was fun, But I think we need to get
on with today's show without singing. What's today's show about?
(02:36):
You said you wanted to talk about joy, how to
feel joyful? Please just sing what you just said. I
won't ask again, I promise, Okay, Um, you said you
wanted to talk about joy. That is the true subject
of the show is joy. It's an emotion that we
(02:58):
all feel, but we never seem to get enough. Because no,
we never seem to get enough, maybe because we are
living in joyless times. Right run, If you could sing
what you say, you would find a brand new day.
Singing songs fill the heart. It's the way each day
(03:22):
should start. When you sing, you clear the air, so
there's nothing dirty there. Ask any little girl or boy.
Singing brings the greatest joy. Wow, you actually sang a
song one that I could sing along. Maybe I'll try
(03:45):
singing to singing harmony under you. We shall sing a
song together like two birds and sunny weather or shoes
shall be heard on high perfect harmony. When we try
(04:07):
too as one and one as two, the sound we
make is something new. The song is sung without a
hitch together. We have perfect bitch um. That was awful.
(04:30):
We we sounded awful, so hideous, a little fun though, right,
you know what. I never really admit this, but yeah
I was. I'm in a better mood. And that's what
singing is for. Okay, Okay, singing is done. And for
those of you just tuning in, today's show is about joy. Okay,
(04:56):
Ron And I've told you this for two years. People
don't tune into podcasts. We're not on the radio, we're
not live to set. I'll be honest with you. It's
a tough concept for me to get my head around
what you just explained, the podcast concept that there's not
and that's that's one of many modern things in media
(05:18):
that I'm just really having trouble getting a grasp of,
Like the Peacock Network, I mean, what is that? Or
HBO Max Strange, You're right, the paramount network. Don't CBS
all access? I mean, what's going on here? Has everyone
gone crazy? I mean I had access to CBS for
(05:39):
fifty years. We had a deal. They gave me football,
and I bought sampson I luggage. They gave me all
in the family and I bought wheat things because Sandy
Duncan told me to. That was our deal. Now CBS
says no deal, and you have to belong to a
gated community to even watch our shows. Sometimes the world
feels like a mayor to go around spinning in a
(06:01):
tornado that's ripping through a Walmart, cheap shoes and TV
sets and buckets of paint flying everywhere while I'm holding
onto my horsey for dear life. I know, Ron, it
does actually feel like that. But let's try, and we'll
just slow down a little and um just concentrate on
today's show. I mean, there just seems like a bunch
(06:22):
of superfluous stuff. Yeah, there's a lot, a lot of
what do you say, content? Yeah, it's a content rich
environment right now we live in there's a lot to
look at wealth. Carolina, thank you for the steadying kind words.
You're always the rock in the stormy waters of my brain.
(06:44):
The concept of joy? What is joy? By the way,
speaking of joy, are you familiar with that book The
Joy of Sex? I've heard of it. Those drawings, Oh man, Yeah,
there's there's back in my day that was naked people
doing things to each other. Oh boy. Anyway, concept of joy? So,
(07:07):
the big question that academicians have been pondering for millenniums
is what is joy? Is joy a person? I mean,
I've known some joys that have given me great joy.
Joy Carrol comes to mind. She was a lounge singer
that I had a fling with. Fifteen years later, I
(07:30):
hooked up with a professional woman named Carol Joy. How
about that joy? Carrol and Carol Joy bookends. No, the
kind of joy I'm talking about is not a person,
even though both those joys gave me great joy below
my belt. Yeah, and Nick, that'd be great if you
could put a rim shot in there. Maybe we'll talk
(07:52):
about it, right, I mean, in fact, let me redo
the line. And Nick, you just lay in a rim shot.
That's how good? Sure? Okay, h even though both joys
gave me great joy below the belt. Yes, all right,
people tuning in now are really going to love the show.
(08:14):
What I'm talking about is that happy, spiritual feeling of
being alive on earth. Everyone deserves it, but not everyone
knows how to find it. Joy I'm talking about, I
hear you, I do. I mean to be honest listening
to you. And besides like the sound effects and any
of that, I think this could be a really helpful
(08:35):
episode of the podcast. I think everyone right now needs
more joy in lives, and I think that maybe we could,
you know, give some people some active tools to help them.
I'm going to tell them how to get joy if
you would just shut up, Okay, but first we need
to understand what isn't bringing us joy? Right? So, yeah,
(08:58):
the Flip Side exactly like to play a game with
my dog Baxter from time to time where we throw
the most plainly joyless sentences we can think of back
and forth, regular sentences you might say that have no
joy in them. It's it's a lot of fun and
you can play at home to would you like to
play Carolina? Yeah, I'll try it. Okay, give me a
(09:19):
joyless sentence, you might say, or here in real life,
let me think. Um, here's one. They're having a sale
on tube socks at Nordstrum's rack. Oh that's good, that's
awful and joyless. That's really good. Okay, how about this one.
(09:40):
I'm on my way to the d MB. Terrible, Yes,
the worst? Um, okay, what about this? My name is Carolina.
That's c A R O L I N A. Oh. Yes.
Spelling your name out for any reason is the opposite
of joy. Here, here's one. Baxter always says they need
to fix that hole in the road. How about I
(10:03):
should try and learn Spanish. This bread got wet. The
dripping noise is coming from under there. Have you seen
the vacuum cleaner. Let's get on a zoom call at
eight am. I need to remember to call the insurance company.
This bottle is empty. I'm proud of my tofu salad.
(10:26):
How much gas should I get? I need a new belt? Um,
my cat just died. Hold the boat there, Carolina, you
crossed the line. The game's no fun if you bring
in sickness or death. Of course, that's going to be joyless.
That that that kind of joylessness is just going to
happen in life, and we call them tragedies. There's no
(10:49):
joy in the tragic. What I'm talking about is the
joylessness of everyday life. There's no joy in an eight
am zoom call. There's no joy in buying tube socks
at Nordstrom's rack, even if they are on sale and
it's a great deal. Fortunately for science, I have composed
a list of ten human behaviors that demonstrate you are
(11:10):
not experiencing enough joy. If you are doing three or
more of these things, then you need to stop and
find some joy in life. So this is your list
(11:32):
of behaviors that indicate you are living a joyless life. Yes, yes,
And I call it the Ron Burgundy Joy Indicator Meter List. Okay,
so is it a meter or a list both? It's
really just observations on behaviors I associate with joylessness. But
I may need to publish it one day in the
(11:54):
New England magazine of Science, so I need to call
it a meter or a scale. And you is the
word standard and study and laboratory. So you really think
people are going to be interested in publishing this? Well,
I just need to have the option and by using
those words it allows me to be published in the
New England magazine of Science. So these are ten behaviors
(12:19):
that could mean you're experiencing no joy in life. Correct,
and you can have one of them, are possibly two,
but if you're guilty of three or more, you are
probably a joyless person. Um, all right, well let's hear them.
Please locate them for the audience. Start with behavior number one.
You are a man over the age of thirty and
(12:40):
you wear blue jean cutoffs more than four days a week.
That's kind of strange because you would think someone relaxed
enough to wear cut offs all week long would be
a fairly joyful person. But there's a big difference between
relaxed and lazy. You know, so sweatpants and blue jeans
cutoffs are fine, and you're when you're lounging, although I
(13:02):
don't think I've ever been in a pair of blue jeans,
much less a blue jeans short However, if you find
yourself in church, or at a store that's not Walmart,
or at work in blue jeans cutoffs, then you're a
joyless person. Okay, Um, I don't think everyone will agree,
but let's just move on. It's science, okay, so you
can't agree or disagree with facts. Okay, it's an opinion.
(13:25):
But yeah. Behavior number two, you're someone who still thinks
you are getting amazing deals at Costco. I actually agree
with this one. It's just huge crowds. It's like a
joy less giant box of five dollar chickens and sea
containers full of awful clothes. Just yeah, I agree. Let's
go on. That haven't been said. Those five dollar cutlets
(13:47):
you eat those a's A they make a mean cutlet.
You're pan fried, a little olive oil, little salt. I
know how to cook chicken. It's okay, anyway, yes, us
go okay. Behavior number three. You watch more than two
hours of news a day. I mean, it depends what's
(14:08):
on the news, but sometimes I find myself watching the
news all day. Then you should be careful to two
more things, and you'll be scientifically proven to be a
joyless person. Wait, but you're a news anchor, so how
can you say this. It is precisely because I am
a news anchor that I can tell you that too
much news will make you joyless. That there was a
world many years ago, maybe in a different galaxy, that
(14:31):
presented people with the option to read the news from
what was called a newspaper in the morning, didn't watch
a half hour recap of the big stories at night.
They called that recap the evening news, and it was
a nice way to keep up with the events. But
now joyless people are glued to their phones looking at
news for four to five to ten hours a day.
(14:54):
Scientists don't know why these people do this. We we
are working on it. What we do know is it
makes you joyless behavior for taking pictures of your food.
What kind of joyless idiot takes pictures of their food. Now,
I'm not talking about pink drinks you might get on vacation,
or birthday cakes or cupcakes that look like boobs. That
(15:19):
that is joyfull, that's in the joyful category. What I'm
talking about is a picture of a salad with an
avocado on it, or a plate of spaghetti. I'm talking
about a sandwich. Why why people do this is a
complete mystery to me. Okay, well, now I have to
fuss up. I take pictures of salads I make sometimes,
(15:40):
or a nice pasta dinner. I mean, I just think
it's nice to share with people something you like. Or
something you think is well done. And I do think
good food can be remembered. I call both. I mean
good food should be eaten. I think people take pictures
of food to show off. I'm eating a fancy sandwich
(16:02):
and you're not. You know, I'm eating a bowl of soup,
which makes me very interesting. People who take pictures of
food are joyless people. And that's two on you, Carolina.
You cannot afford to get another or you will be
a joyless person. I understand. Um, okay, what's next on
the list? Behavior number five people who try and walk cats.
(16:24):
I don't get. I don't get this one. You've seen them.
There's always some weirdo in the neighborhood it tries to
walk a cat like a dog. Not only is it ridiculous,
it also means you are a joyless person. Cat people
are not joyless. I'll start by because there's a lot
of people who love their cats. They do, however, experience
joy in a more cerebral, less fun way than dog people.
(16:46):
That signs. But cat owners who try and walk their
cats like dogs are joyless, plain and simple. No cat
in the history of cats wants to walk on a
leash around the block you and show me videos and
tell me stories. But I know cats. Cats have spoken
to me. They have confided that walking outside a leash
(17:08):
is the stupidest activity any human has ever tried. And
that's including ultimate frisbee and hot dog eating contests. You
can step on supermanscape, you can spit into the wind,
but you don't walk your cat on a leash outside.
You simply don't do it. I just want to double
back and ask about the cats um talking to you.
(17:32):
Oh boy, Carolina, huh, I knew you'd raise a red
flag on that one. Look, the mysteries of the world
and the great unknoble universe dance around in your head
like gravel in a tin pot, clanking and clanking without
making music. Yes, cats talk to me. I am unusual
(17:53):
that way. It's not something I can explain. But the
universe is filled with the unexplained. Take jazz as rock fusion,
for instance. There's no explanation for jazz rock fusion. Take
the banana, no explanation. Take Rudolph Giuliani. How do you
explain Rudolph Giuliani? You can't. I can talk to cats,
(18:15):
and they can talk to me, and they all tell
me that walking on a leash around a neighborhood is dumb.
D U m B dumb. It's for joyless people. Is
it something you do, Carolina? No, as you know, I
have dogs. Okay, you're on the edge. I was holding
my breath. Okay. The next habit of the joyless behavior
(18:40):
Number six, men who wear sandals. Now this one is complicated.
Of course, men who live around the Mediterranean Sea, Greeks
and Italians North Africans can wear sandals. They've been wearing
sandals for at least four thousand years. I'm not talking
about them. But if you are an American and you
are sandals, than you are joyless. Okay, So besides people
(19:04):
who have lived around the Mediterranean Sea for thousands of years,
for many millennia. I don't know if this one's fair.
I mean, I wear sandals pretty much all summer long. Okay,
but you're you're a woman. Women can wear sandals. Men cannot.
What about when you go to the beach. Those are
flip flops. Flip flops are not sandals. There's a there's
(19:25):
a real distinction. Prison shoes and crocs are permissible, but
I frown upon them. I'm talking about leather sandals, handcrafted
hippie shoes for grown men. People who wear them are
scientifically proven to be joyless people. Behavior number seven people
who say they like the Denver Broncos. It's bad enough
(19:45):
that you live in America's most boring city. It doesn't
make you joyless, though, but saying you like the Denver
Broncos definitely classifies you as a joyless person. I'm sorry,
Bronco fans. You're You're not a terrible person. You're like
what we call a good person. You are a nice person, probably,
But because you say I like the Denver Broncos, we
(20:08):
now know through science that you are joyless. And on
the scale of joylessness, you are also at the level
of no fun So you are especially joyless. Maybe pick
another team, like the Arizona Cardinals. That one feels personal,
but can continue. Sorry for interrupting, okay. Behavior number eight
(20:29):
owning a duva cover. I'm what's wrong with owning a
dube cover? Be careful there, Carolina. Alright, you're you're treading
on thin ice over there. If you say you have
a duvet cover, then that's three on my list and
you are done. You're joyless. I actually just use blankets,
but I'm just curious. What could be wrong with owning
a dube cover? Well, are you kidding me? It's a
(20:52):
giant bag there. There there's no man made reason on
the planet for the invention of the dubaka. If you
have one, or more than one, and many people who
own duvets have multiple duvet covers, then you are especially joyless.
Not as joyless as a person who likes the Denver Broncos,
but you're still pretty dawn joyless. This seems harsh. I
(21:13):
mean it, just a duvet cover just technically protects your
duvet and keeps it clean, so then you only have
to wash the duvet cover. I'm not being harsh at
all here, Carolina. Walking a cat outside on a leash
is very dumb. Believe in costco has great deals is
also dumb. But owning a duvet cover means you're insufferably joyless.
(21:34):
If you want to experience immediate gratification and joy, not
unlike an orgasm, throw away your duvet cover right now.
It's not too late. Behavior Number eight people who like
hard Seltzer, Well, I'm good with this one because I
don't drink Lucky again, Carolina dodging a bullet because drinking
(21:57):
hard seltzer is one of the more joyless activities to
come from our modern times. I'll confess I I like
a good Scotch and soda from time to time, although
I prefer my Scotch neat or with a couple of
rocks on a hot day. But a tasty Scotch and
soda is a far cry from an alcoholic appleberry flavored
(22:17):
fizzy drink for grown adults who haven't even been weaned
off of juice boxes and animal crackers. Jesus and its
flavors are created in a laboratory by robots. These robots
then throw an alcohol and seltzer water and put it
in a can for dumbbells to drink. Here's the rub.
They look like they're having a good time drinking hard seltzer.
(22:40):
They might, They might even look like they are experiencing joy,
But the science is pretty clear here. These are joyless
people who should not be allowed in bars for the
damage they could be doing to the atmosphere. People who
drink hard seltzer are joyless. If they look like they're
having fun, then how can you tell they're joyless. I've
been to parties where it looks like people drinking hard
(23:02):
Seltzer or having a good time. They don't seem oh,
I I don't doubt they look that way. That they
were probably taking their shirts off and shouting things like
go bracos. And these heart Seltzers were on sale at Costco.
I mean, heart Seltzer plays tricks on social scientists because
those that drink it do in fact give off the
impression that they are having fun, but multiple lab tests
(23:23):
show they are not having fun and they are joyless.
The ninth behavior on this list that is a dead
giveaway that you are a joyless person is owning a fish,
um a singular fish, like what do you mean? Or
having an aquarium. Yes, if you have an aquarium with
(23:43):
some fish, a fish, or multiple fish, you are a
joyless person. I don't know, I can kind of see that.
I mean, if you have an aquarium that takes up
a whole wall in your house and you have something
like a shark or an eel or a man to ray,
you're not joyless. You experience great joy. I've had such
(24:05):
an aquarium. I had had one behind my bed that
took forty thousand gallons of water inside it was a
short fin mako shark, a hammerhead shark, and a killer whale.
It was. It was amazing, and if you threw a
live pig in the aquarium, the most beautiful colors of
red and pink would swirl around, giving the bedroom all
(24:26):
a whorehouse glow. That was very sensual. And I found
out the hard way a killer whale should not be
kept in such a small aquarium. Through ingenious sonar conversations.
While I slept, the killer whale, who was named Bloppy,
convinced the hammerhead shark named Jason Bourne to bang his
(24:46):
head against the glass until it broke. I was gonna
say it doesn't sound safe. It sounded insecure well, and
it caused a lot of water damage anyway. But apparently
Bloppy's dream was to escape and eat me. It told
you that in the sonar in the sonar conversation. Yes,
fish are dumb, though, and when they escaped, they all
died on the floor, you know, flopping around without water.
(25:07):
But but the story has a happy ending, it does.
They tasted great on the barbecue. Where was I You
were saying that people who had aquariums were joyless? Yes,
I'm having trouble of following a little bit. Well, I
think I think I clearly made the distinction that what
I had was a cool aquarium. Yeah, what you had
(25:28):
was massively illegal, but um it sure was. That one
fish is lame, but killer whale. You have to remember
it was a different time. I didn't realize you needed
to have the paperwork and the health board and the
where is this paperwork? I never had it, That's what
I'm saying. But what I had was joy But the
(25:51):
average human who just has a couple of guppies in
an aquarium, that's that's joyless. You ate your sharks because
they died on your bedroom war and I had to
cover up the evidence. I was about to do three
years in medium security prison for harboring wild animals in
an unsuitable environment. But an aquarium with fishes a joyless endeavor.
(26:14):
Listen to me, Carolina, medium security prison. Okay, an aquarium
with a few fish is a joyless endeavor. And although
I sympathize with these people, they are still joyless. If
it's the only thing on this list they are guilty of,
then they may very well experienced joy in their lives.
(26:35):
But my advice would be to eat those fish as
quickly as they can and get the aquarium out of
their house. There's plenty of fish in the sea, as
the saying goes, which in this case applies to actual
fish and the actual sea. You don't need a boring
box of water in your house. Ye. So that was
(27:05):
number nine. Um, what is the last indicator of a
joyless life? I think our listeners are very excited. Well,
I've written about it before, and I know at this
point it's almost heartless to bring it up because to
this day there is no cure. But the number ten
positive indicator of joylessness is being Canadian. I'm a little confused.
(27:32):
You just overaw being from Canada. I've met some joyful
Canadians that you met here in the United States. Right. Yeah,
Once out of their country, a Canadian can in fact
become a joyful person. But if they're still in Canada,
then they they make Denver Broncos fans look like SpongeBob
square Pants. Canadians are so joyless they can actually infect
(27:55):
others around them and cause debilitating depression. That seems like
I'm just saying, if you wake up in Canada, there
is no tomorrow. Oh my god, Yeah, there is no
hope of a future, only the drudgery of your endless
days and the horrifying bleakness of a night without in
We'll be cutting this out. Sleep is an escape, and
(28:16):
escape is all you dream about if if you are Canadian,
you don't need to other indicators on this list. You
are joyless. Science is working on a cure, and the
most promising is to make your country part of the
United States. There's there's a lot of fear though that
your joylessness could infect u S citizens. So for now
we are working on other cures. Drugs and talk therapy
(28:39):
have been tested, but the results have been disappointing. In
the meantime, your best bet is to leave Canada. Any
place on Earth will do. Wait. So you participated in
a study about drugs and talk therapy with Canadians, Yes,
Canadian subjects who are suffering joylessness from living in Canada.
(29:00):
I was there in the room two way mirror watching
the studies. It sounds very controversial. Well, it's way ahead
of its time and a lot of times, Uh, you
can't let the general public know what you're doing because
it's so high level. Yeah, I wonder if anyone knew
what you were doing. Well, the thing is it wasn't working.
(29:24):
We had Pamela Anderson, Oh my gosh, Ryan Gosling and
the bear naked ladies. Those were our main subject, that's
what we're conducting the talk therapy with. And it was
I was so hopeful these clinical trials or they went nowhere. Wow,
(29:45):
I'm going to be honest. This sounds actually just plainly rude.
And I know for a fact that we have some
Canadian fans of this podcast, so I just want to
be respectful, and what I would say to them is
that joylessness is a problem that afflicts many people, not
just Canadians. As you can see by my scientific list,
(30:07):
there are a lot of joyless people in the world.
I didn't talk about racist or sexist or biggots of
any kind. I didn't didn't talk about proud boys or
people on Twitter. But as we know, these people experience
very low levels of joy and high levels of sociopathy.
Anger is a great indicator of low joy levels. So
(30:29):
my list isn't definitive, but it is scientific. It's it's
no coincidence that if you own a duvet cover, you
probably have a fish or shop at Costco or our
Canadian they usually link up. Most most joyless people have
at least three of these traits from my list. Okay,
you've classified all kinds of joyless traits, and you and
(30:52):
I had some fun thinking of joyless sentences to say.
But I just feel like in a podcast about joy,
you haven't really defined joy or explained how to get
joy out of life. For some of our listeners who
tuned in for that reason, Well, I was getting to it.
I mean, I I I don't like feeling rushed, Carolina.
(31:13):
I'm not rushing you. I know you can eat an
Italian meatball sub and under five seconds, but some of
us like to take our time with things. So I'm sorry,
And I'm not accusing you of being a glut. You're
young and impatient, and yes, you can be quite pushy,
even bordering on mean, but I'm not blaming you. Okay,
don't push me, though I'm not I'll push back. I
(31:34):
don't know much about the so called me too movement,
but I'm assuming there's still room for a fistfight or
two between us. I'm sorry, I'm not sure I'm understanding.
Are you threatening to beat me up because I asked
you to explain joy. Oh goodness, No, of course not you.
You're misinterpreting me again as always. But what would happen
if we just finally got to the bottom of this
(31:57):
anger we have towards each other and we we both
just got planks of wood and kicked the out of
each other. Well that's not really fair, because you've been
in so many weird battles and gladiator fights, and I've
never even been in a fist fight. What about slapping?
Have you ever been in a slapping fight or a
cat fight? Women often get in cat fights with hair
(32:19):
pulling and scratching. I see it a lot in footage
from Miami Beach. You've been in some of these over
the years, I assume. No, No, not really. I mean
there was this one time in college I gone to
a shoving fight in a bar and I did end
up slapping that person. Exhilarating, right, I mean yeah, I
hate to admit that, but it was. It was kind
(32:40):
of refreshing. A good open hand slap for someone who
truly deserves it can be very refreshing. I once slapped
an old man who kicked my dog Baxter for no
reason at all. Baxter was minding his own business in
the park one day, chasing butterflies. He really can be
a stupid dog sometimes. When this elderly and threatened to
(33:00):
lock him up, I exchanged some heated words with the gentleman,
and although I'm not proud, I insulted his shoes. They
were these tacky auburn loafers. The apparently it didn't like
what I had to say about his shoes, and he
kicked back ster. Oh my god, yes, So I slapped
him and it was a wonderful slap, and he knew it,
and I think looking back on it, he even would
(33:21):
say it was a well placed and well timed slap.
You shouldn't slap old men. Well, you shouldn't kick dogs either.
I don't think it's the same. So now, so now
you hate dogs? Fascinating. I don't I have dogs. Just
I don't want to hear stories about you hitting the elderly.
It's not allowable. I didn't make a habit of it.
(33:42):
I probably only hit a handful of old people in
my life. One came at me with a knife. She
was KGB in a hired assassin. Was it was? I
not allowed to defend myself. Don't twist what I'm saying.
I'm not saying that you're just you're a tall, large man.
Unless you're protecting yourself, I see no reason for you
to ever hit an older man or god forbid, an
(34:03):
older woman. There was a hit on me in the
late seventies. It was an open hit, which meant any
qualified professional could take their shot at me. I had
massad guys, Chinese guys KGB, and independent contractors coming at
me all hours of the day. One day in June,
I fought off four different hitmen, the last attempt ending
(34:26):
in a high speed car chase through the San Diego Zoo.
There was a lot of blood that day, most of
it hippopotamus, but also the French hitman who came at me.
I'm sorry why I missed why there was a hit
on you. Well, it was all a big mix up.
I looked like some Polish criminal named Ivan Blatsky and
they came at me. Yeah. Blatsky sent me flowers every
(34:50):
year for twenty years, thanking me for taking the heat.
We became good friends, even though he was a notorious murderer,
a drug dealer, and a human trafficker. Wait to what
happened to Ivan blacks. Well, he's living the good life.
He got a plastic surgery, moved to Florida and changed
his name to al Gore. Okay, al Gore, not that
al Gore geez, but yes, al Gore. He liked the name.
(35:14):
I guess I probably shouldn't have said anything. There's still
a hit out in Blaskey, and and now they'll know
he's living in Florida as al Gore, not former Vice
President Al Gore, who by all accounts as a humanitarian
and pretty good guy, but just plain old golf playing
pool side, sitting al Gore. I feel like we maybe
(35:34):
got off on a tangent. Definitely did I know you hate,
but you made me do it. The woman who came
at me with a knife and throwing stars and spikes
in her shoes was a professional killer, trained in martial
arts and was as cold blooded as they. So you
just slapped her in response back to tripped her as
she was lunging towards me, and yes, I got a
(35:57):
quick chop in as she was going down. Unfortunately for her,
she fell on one of her own knives and bled
out on my entrance. Baxter and I wrapped the body
in a sheet, with some rocks, and we rode it
into the Pacific and dumped her in the water. I
don't know how to talk about you disposing of a body,
but let's just we've wandered so far off from today's topic.
(36:20):
Let's just try to get back to it. Did you
think the story ended there, because that's not the end
of the story. No. Several years later, a poor Russian
man claiming to be her husband appeared at my doorstep.
I invited him in naturally. Yes, he had learned from
Russian authorities that a well respected news man and his
dog had killed his wife. He wasn't looking for revenge.
(36:42):
She was only looking for a momento, something he could
remember her by, because they were very much in love.
I have a soft spot for lovers and and love,
as you know, But I'll confess I had no such
memento to give the porcel. However, thinking fast, I handed
him an unopened can of Baxter's dog food and said
with all conviction that his wife had asked me to
(37:05):
give this can of dog food to her beloved husband
if he ever came looking for her. That was the
best you could think of. Well, I was thinking on
my feet, but here's the thing. He broke down, sobbing
in my arms, clutching the can of dog food like
it was a human heart. And in some ways it
was a human heart. It was all I had left
(37:28):
of his great love. In another way it was it
was just a can of dog food, Carolina, I leave
you with this. Love is strange. It's an all encompassing
feeling of human purpose. It centers us, and it's perhaps
the only reason we're here on earth. It is also
a can of dog food. Okay, So what about Oh
(38:00):
what about joy? This the topic today's podcast was supposed
to be about joy, and you haven't really explained what
it is or how to get it. How the hell
should I know? I play the flute, I swim in
the nude. I take surfing lessons from an old woman.
I drink scotch and sit for hours in my car,
trying to look like an undercover cop. I go to
(38:23):
the zoo and watch Cheetah's pace up and down. I
climb water towers and yell out my name. I build
dreamcatchers and collect old lanterns. I read about vikings, I
run backwards through malls. I eat anything that looks like chilli.
I write poetry. I danced like Pola Abdul, I enter
(38:44):
illegal street racing competitions. I'm recognized as one of the
world's best bird watchers. I pleasure myself. Yes, I pleasure
my wife. I love dogs. I love flowers and songs
about flowers, and I love love. And that's me in
a nutshell. I have no idea what brings other people joy.
(39:06):
I only hope everyone finds as much of it as
I have. So there's no way for someone to find joy.
There's no universal rule. No, there is not. I'm sorry
if I mislead everyone. You definitely did. However, there is
a trick I learned many years ago that will make
it easier for you to experience joy. Okay, what's that?
(39:29):
Stay classy. I'm Ron Burgundy. Thank you for listening to
today's podcast as
Hello and welcome. Hello and welcome. This is the Ron
Burgundy Podcast. My name is Ron. My name is Ron.
This is an episode. I'm going to sing the entire episode.
I'm going to sing. If you don't like my singing,
(00:20):
then I suggest you turn this off. I will be
singing for a long long time. I will not stop.
I will not stop. Here with me is my co
host and friend, Carolina. Oh Cara Lina. What a wonderful
name to sing, Carol Lina, Oh Carolina, Carolina to lord
(00:48):
rue Carolina, how are you? I'm I'm fine. Oh please
sing it. It's fun to sing it. You really must,
I insist. So, Carolina, how are you? I'm not I'm
not going to sing, Yes you are. No, I'm not
(01:12):
feeling like singing today. So every day is a sing
song day? What are you talking about now? Sing? Run?
I'm serious. I don't. I just don't want to sing.
Can I just I understand? But what about just one word? Okay? No?
(01:33):
Didn't that feel just wonderful? So blunderful and wonderful. No,
I didn't hear you. You didn't sing your answers, so
I didn't even hear you. I said, no. It's like
we're in a Broadway musical. It's a musical. We're in
(01:53):
a musical. Wouldn't you say no? I would not? You
sing so well, it's like a dream come true. Stop.
I don't want to sing, but you're doing it and
it's fun. You have to admit it. You're singing and
it's fun. And now you can't stop. I can't stop,
(02:16):
and I will stop because I don't want to be
singing at all. This is the last time you will
hear me singing. What about Now? I'm done singing? And
that was fun, But I think we need to get
on with today's show without singing. What's today's show about?
(02:36):
You said you wanted to talk about joy, how to
feel joyful? Please just sing what you just said. I
won't ask again, I promise, Okay, Um, you said you
wanted to talk about joy. That is the true subject
of the show is joy. It's an emotion that we
(02:58):
all feel, but we never seem to get enough. Because no,
we never seem to get enough, maybe because we are
living in joyless times. Right run, If you could sing
what you say, you would find a brand new day.
Singing songs fill the heart. It's the way each day
(03:22):
should start. When you sing, you clear the air, so
there's nothing dirty there. Ask any little girl or boy.
Singing brings the greatest joy. Wow, you actually sang a
song one that I could sing along. Maybe I'll try
(03:45):
singing to singing harmony under you. We shall sing a
song together like two birds and sunny weather or shoes
shall be heard on high perfect harmony. When we try
(04:07):
too as one and one as two, the sound we
make is something new. The song is sung without a
hitch together. We have perfect bitch um. That was awful.
(04:30):
We we sounded awful, so hideous, a little fun though, right,
you know what. I never really admit this, but yeah
I was. I'm in a better mood. And that's what
singing is for. Okay, Okay, singing is done. And for
those of you just tuning in, today's show is about joy. Okay,
(04:56):
Ron And I've told you this for two years. People
don't tune into podcasts. We're not on the radio, we're
not live to set. I'll be honest with you. It's
a tough concept for me to get my head around
what you just explained, the podcast concept that there's not
and that's that's one of many modern things in media
(05:18):
that I'm just really having trouble getting a grasp of,
Like the Peacock Network, I mean, what is that? Or
HBO Max Strange, You're right, the paramount network. Don't CBS
all access? I mean, what's going on here? Has everyone
gone crazy? I mean I had access to CBS for
(05:39):
fifty years. We had a deal. They gave me football,
and I bought sampson I luggage. They gave me all
in the family and I bought wheat things because Sandy
Duncan told me to. That was our deal. Now CBS
says no deal, and you have to belong to a
gated community to even watch our shows. Sometimes the world
feels like a mayor to go around spinning in a
(06:01):
tornado that's ripping through a Walmart, cheap shoes and TV
sets and buckets of paint flying everywhere while I'm holding
onto my horsey for dear life. I know, Ron, it
does actually feel like that. But let's try, and we'll
just slow down a little and um just concentrate on
today's show. I mean, there just seems like a bunch
(06:22):
of superfluous stuff. Yeah, there's a lot, a lot of
what do you say, content? Yeah, it's a content rich
environment right now we live in there's a lot to
look at wealth. Carolina, thank you for the steadying kind words.
You're always the rock in the stormy waters of my brain.
(06:44):
The concept of joy? What is joy? By the way,
speaking of joy, are you familiar with that book The
Joy of Sex? I've heard of it. Those drawings, Oh man, Yeah,
there's there's back in my day that was naked people
doing things to each other. Oh boy. Anyway, concept of joy? So,
(07:07):
the big question that academicians have been pondering for millenniums
is what is joy? Is joy a person? I mean,
I've known some joys that have given me great joy.
Joy Carrol comes to mind. She was a lounge singer
that I had a fling with. Fifteen years later, I
(07:30):
hooked up with a professional woman named Carol Joy. How
about that joy? Carrol and Carol Joy bookends. No, the
kind of joy I'm talking about is not a person,
even though both those joys gave me great joy below
my belt. Yeah, and Nick, that'd be great if you
could put a rim shot in there. Maybe we'll talk
(07:52):
about it, right, I mean, in fact, let me redo
the line. And Nick, you just lay in a rim shot.
That's how good? Sure? Okay, h even though both joys
gave me great joy below the belt. Yes, all right,
people tuning in now are really going to love the show.
(08:14):
What I'm talking about is that happy, spiritual feeling of
being alive on earth. Everyone deserves it, but not everyone
knows how to find it. Joy I'm talking about, I
hear you, I do. I mean to be honest listening
to you. And besides like the sound effects and any
of that, I think this could be a really helpful
(08:35):
episode of the podcast. I think everyone right now needs
more joy in lives, and I think that maybe we could,
you know, give some people some active tools to help them.
I'm going to tell them how to get joy if
you would just shut up, Okay, but first we need
to understand what isn't bringing us joy? Right? So, yeah,
(08:58):
the Flip Side exactly like to play a game with
my dog Baxter from time to time where we throw
the most plainly joyless sentences we can think of back
and forth, regular sentences you might say that have no
joy in them. It's it's a lot of fun and
you can play at home to would you like to
play Carolina? Yeah, I'll try it. Okay, give me a
(09:19):
joyless sentence, you might say, or here in real life,
let me think. Um, here's one. They're having a sale
on tube socks at Nordstrum's rack. Oh that's good, that's
awful and joyless. That's really good. Okay, how about this one.
(09:40):
I'm on my way to the d MB. Terrible, Yes,
the worst? Um, okay, what about this? My name is Carolina.
That's c A R O L I N A. Oh. Yes.
Spelling your name out for any reason is the opposite
of joy. Here, here's one. Baxter always says they need
to fix that hole in the road. How about I
(10:03):
should try and learn Spanish. This bread got wet. The
dripping noise is coming from under there. Have you seen
the vacuum cleaner. Let's get on a zoom call at
eight am. I need to remember to call the insurance company.
This bottle is empty. I'm proud of my tofu salad.
(10:26):
How much gas should I get? I need a new belt? Um,
my cat just died. Hold the boat there, Carolina, you
crossed the line. The game's no fun if you bring
in sickness or death. Of course, that's going to be joyless.
That that that kind of joylessness is just going to
happen in life, and we call them tragedies. There's no
(10:49):
joy in the tragic. What I'm talking about is the
joylessness of everyday life. There's no joy in an eight
am zoom call. There's no joy in buying tube socks
at Nordstrom's rack, even if they are on sale and
it's a great deal. Fortunately for science, I have composed
a list of ten human behaviors that demonstrate you are
(11:10):
not experiencing enough joy. If you are doing three or
more of these things, then you need to stop and
find some joy in life. So this is your list
(11:32):
of behaviors that indicate you are living a joyless life. Yes, yes,
And I call it the Ron Burgundy Joy Indicator Meter List. Okay,
so is it a meter or a list both? It's
really just observations on behaviors I associate with joylessness. But
I may need to publish it one day in the
(11:54):
New England magazine of Science, so I need to call
it a meter or a scale. And you is the
word standard and study and laboratory. So you really think
people are going to be interested in publishing this? Well,
I just need to have the option and by using
those words it allows me to be published in the
New England magazine of Science. So these are ten behaviors
(12:19):
that could mean you're experiencing no joy in life. Correct,
and you can have one of them, are possibly two,
but if you're guilty of three or more, you are
probably a joyless person. Um, all right, well let's hear them.
Please locate them for the audience. Start with behavior number one.
You are a man over the age of thirty and
(12:40):
you wear blue jean cutoffs more than four days a week.
That's kind of strange because you would think someone relaxed
enough to wear cut offs all week long would be
a fairly joyful person. But there's a big difference between
relaxed and lazy. You know, so sweatpants and blue jeans
cutoffs are fine, and you're when you're lounging, although I
(13:02):
don't think I've ever been in a pair of blue jeans,
much less a blue jeans short However, if you find
yourself in church, or at a store that's not Walmart,
or at work in blue jeans cutoffs, then you're a
joyless person. Okay, Um, I don't think everyone will agree,
but let's just move on. It's science, okay, so you
can't agree or disagree with facts. Okay, it's an opinion.
(13:25):
But yeah. Behavior number two, you're someone who still thinks
you are getting amazing deals at Costco. I actually agree
with this one. It's just huge crowds. It's like a
joy less giant box of five dollar chickens and sea
containers full of awful clothes. Just yeah, I agree. Let's
go on. That haven't been said. Those five dollar cutlets
(13:47):
you eat those a's A they make a mean cutlet.
You're pan fried, a little olive oil, little salt. I
know how to cook chicken. It's okay, anyway, yes, us
go okay. Behavior number three. You watch more than two
hours of news a day. I mean, it depends what's
(14:08):
on the news, but sometimes I find myself watching the
news all day. Then you should be careful to two
more things, and you'll be scientifically proven to be a
joyless person. Wait, but you're a news anchor, so how
can you say this. It is precisely because I am
a news anchor that I can tell you that too
much news will make you joyless. That there was a
world many years ago, maybe in a different galaxy, that
(14:31):
presented people with the option to read the news from
what was called a newspaper in the morning, didn't watch
a half hour recap of the big stories at night.
They called that recap the evening news, and it was
a nice way to keep up with the events. But
now joyless people are glued to their phones looking at
news for four to five to ten hours a day.
(14:54):
Scientists don't know why these people do this. We we
are working on it. What we do know is it
makes you joyless behavior for taking pictures of your food.
What kind of joyless idiot takes pictures of their food. Now,
I'm not talking about pink drinks you might get on vacation,
or birthday cakes or cupcakes that look like boobs. That
(15:19):
that is joyfull, that's in the joyful category. What I'm
talking about is a picture of a salad with an
avocado on it, or a plate of spaghetti. I'm talking
about a sandwich. Why why people do this is a
complete mystery to me. Okay, well, now I have to
fuss up. I take pictures of salads I make sometimes,
(15:40):
or a nice pasta dinner. I mean, I just think
it's nice to share with people something you like. Or
something you think is well done. And I do think
good food can be remembered. I call both. I mean
good food should be eaten. I think people take pictures
of food to show off. I'm eating a fancy sandwich
(16:02):
and you're not. You know, I'm eating a bowl of soup,
which makes me very interesting. People who take pictures of
food are joyless people. And that's two on you, Carolina.
You cannot afford to get another or you will be
a joyless person. I understand. Um, okay, what's next on
the list? Behavior number five people who try and walk cats.
(16:24):
I don't get. I don't get this one. You've seen them.
There's always some weirdo in the neighborhood it tries to
walk a cat like a dog. Not only is it ridiculous,
it also means you are a joyless person. Cat people
are not joyless. I'll start by because there's a lot
of people who love their cats. They do, however, experience
joy in a more cerebral, less fun way than dog people.
(16:46):
That signs. But cat owners who try and walk their
cats like dogs are joyless, plain and simple. No cat
in the history of cats wants to walk on a
leash around the block you and show me videos and
tell me stories. But I know cats. Cats have spoken
to me. They have confided that walking outside a leash
(17:08):
is the stupidest activity any human has ever tried. And
that's including ultimate frisbee and hot dog eating contests. You
can step on supermanscape, you can spit into the wind,
but you don't walk your cat on a leash outside.
You simply don't do it. I just want to double
back and ask about the cats um talking to you.
(17:32):
Oh boy, Carolina, huh, I knew you'd raise a red
flag on that one. Look, the mysteries of the world
and the great unknoble universe dance around in your head
like gravel in a tin pot, clanking and clanking without
making music. Yes, cats talk to me. I am unusual
(17:53):
that way. It's not something I can explain. But the
universe is filled with the unexplained. Take jazz as rock fusion,
for instance. There's no explanation for jazz rock fusion. Take
the banana, no explanation. Take Rudolph Giuliani. How do you
explain Rudolph Giuliani? You can't. I can talk to cats,
(18:15):
and they can talk to me, and they all tell
me that walking on a leash around a neighborhood is dumb.
D U m B dumb. It's for joyless people. Is
it something you do, Carolina? No, as you know, I
have dogs. Okay, you're on the edge. I was holding
my breath. Okay. The next habit of the joyless behavior
(18:40):
Number six, men who wear sandals. Now this one is complicated.
Of course, men who live around the Mediterranean Sea, Greeks
and Italians North Africans can wear sandals. They've been wearing
sandals for at least four thousand years. I'm not talking
about them. But if you are an American and you
are sandals, than you are joyless. Okay, So besides people
(19:04):
who have lived around the Mediterranean Sea for thousands of years,
for many millennia. I don't know if this one's fair.
I mean, I wear sandals pretty much all summer long. Okay,
but you're you're a woman. Women can wear sandals. Men cannot.
What about when you go to the beach. Those are
flip flops. Flip flops are not sandals. There's a there's
(19:25):
a real distinction. Prison shoes and crocs are permissible, but
I frown upon them. I'm talking about leather sandals, handcrafted
hippie shoes for grown men. People who wear them are
scientifically proven to be joyless people. Behavior number seven people
who say they like the Denver Broncos. It's bad enough
(19:45):
that you live in America's most boring city. It doesn't
make you joyless, though, but saying you like the Denver
Broncos definitely classifies you as a joyless person. I'm sorry,
Bronco fans. You're You're not a terrible person. You're like
what we call a good person. You are a nice person, probably,
But because you say I like the Denver Broncos, we
(20:08):
now know through science that you are joyless. And on
the scale of joylessness, you are also at the level
of no fun So you are especially joyless. Maybe pick
another team, like the Arizona Cardinals. That one feels personal,
but can continue. Sorry for interrupting, okay. Behavior number eight
(20:29):
owning a duva cover. I'm what's wrong with owning a
dube cover? Be careful there, Carolina. Alright, you're you're treading
on thin ice over there. If you say you have
a duvet cover, then that's three on my list and
you are done. You're joyless. I actually just use blankets,
but I'm just curious. What could be wrong with owning
a dube cover? Well, are you kidding me? It's a
(20:52):
giant bag there. There there's no man made reason on
the planet for the invention of the dubaka. If you
have one, or more than one, and many people who
own duvets have multiple duvet covers, then you are especially joyless.
Not as joyless as a person who likes the Denver Broncos,
but you're still pretty dawn joyless. This seems harsh. I
(21:13):
mean it, just a duvet cover just technically protects your
duvet and keeps it clean, so then you only have
to wash the duvet cover. I'm not being harsh at
all here, Carolina. Walking a cat outside on a leash
is very dumb. Believe in costco has great deals is
also dumb. But owning a duvet cover means you're insufferably joyless.
(21:34):
If you want to experience immediate gratification and joy, not
unlike an orgasm, throw away your duvet cover right now.
It's not too late. Behavior Number eight people who like
hard Seltzer, Well, I'm good with this one because I
don't drink Lucky again, Carolina dodging a bullet because drinking
(21:57):
hard seltzer is one of the more joyless activities to
come from our modern times. I'll confess I I like
a good Scotch and soda from time to time, although
I prefer my Scotch neat or with a couple of
rocks on a hot day. But a tasty Scotch and
soda is a far cry from an alcoholic appleberry flavored
(22:17):
fizzy drink for grown adults who haven't even been weaned
off of juice boxes and animal crackers. Jesus and its
flavors are created in a laboratory by robots. These robots
then throw an alcohol and seltzer water and put it
in a can for dumbbells to drink. Here's the rub.
They look like they're having a good time drinking hard seltzer.
(22:40):
They might, They might even look like they are experiencing joy,
But the science is pretty clear here. These are joyless
people who should not be allowed in bars for the
damage they could be doing to the atmosphere. People who
drink hard seltzer are joyless. If they look like they're
having fun, then how can you tell they're joyless. I've
been to parties where it looks like people drinking hard
(23:02):
Seltzer or having a good time. They don't seem oh,
I I don't doubt they look that way. That they
were probably taking their shirts off and shouting things like
go bracos. And these heart Seltzers were on sale at Costco.
I mean, heart Seltzer plays tricks on social scientists because
those that drink it do in fact give off the
impression that they are having fun, but multiple lab tests
(23:23):
show they are not having fun and they are joyless.
The ninth behavior on this list that is a dead
giveaway that you are a joyless person is owning a fish,
um a singular fish, like what do you mean? Or
having an aquarium. Yes, if you have an aquarium with
(23:43):
some fish, a fish, or multiple fish, you are a
joyless person. I don't know, I can kind of see that.
I mean, if you have an aquarium that takes up
a whole wall in your house and you have something
like a shark or an eel or a man to ray,
you're not joyless. You experience great joy. I've had such
(24:05):
an aquarium. I had had one behind my bed that
took forty thousand gallons of water inside it was a
short fin mako shark, a hammerhead shark, and a killer whale.
It was. It was amazing, and if you threw a
live pig in the aquarium, the most beautiful colors of
red and pink would swirl around, giving the bedroom all
(24:26):
a whorehouse glow. That was very sensual. And I found
out the hard way a killer whale should not be
kept in such a small aquarium. Through ingenious sonar conversations.
While I slept, the killer whale, who was named Bloppy,
convinced the hammerhead shark named Jason Bourne to bang his
(24:46):
head against the glass until it broke. I was gonna
say it doesn't sound safe. It sounded insecure well, and
it caused a lot of water damage anyway. But apparently
Bloppy's dream was to escape and eat me. It told
you that in the sonar in the sonar conversation. Yes,
fish are dumb, though, and when they escaped, they all
died on the floor, you know, flopping around without water.
(25:07):
But but the story has a happy ending, it does.
They tasted great on the barbecue. Where was I You
were saying that people who had aquariums were joyless? Yes,
I'm having trouble of following a little bit. Well, I
think I think I clearly made the distinction that what
I had was a cool aquarium. Yeah, what you had
(25:28):
was massively illegal, but um it sure was. That one
fish is lame, but killer whale. You have to remember
it was a different time. I didn't realize you needed
to have the paperwork and the health board and the
where is this paperwork? I never had it, That's what
I'm saying. But what I had was joy But the
(25:51):
average human who just has a couple of guppies in
an aquarium, that's that's joyless. You ate your sharks because
they died on your bedroom war and I had to
cover up the evidence. I was about to do three
years in medium security prison for harboring wild animals in
an unsuitable environment. But an aquarium with fishes a joyless endeavor.
(26:14):
Listen to me, Carolina, medium security prison. Okay, an aquarium
with a few fish is a joyless endeavor. And although
I sympathize with these people, they are still joyless. If
it's the only thing on this list they are guilty of,
then they may very well experienced joy in their lives.
(26:35):
But my advice would be to eat those fish as
quickly as they can and get the aquarium out of
their house. There's plenty of fish in the sea, as
the saying goes, which in this case applies to actual
fish and the actual sea. You don't need a boring
box of water in your house. Ye. So that was
(27:05):
number nine. Um, what is the last indicator of a
joyless life? I think our listeners are very excited. Well,
I've written about it before, and I know at this
point it's almost heartless to bring it up because to
this day there is no cure. But the number ten
positive indicator of joylessness is being Canadian. I'm a little confused.
(27:32):
You just overaw being from Canada. I've met some joyful
Canadians that you met here in the United States. Right. Yeah,
Once out of their country, a Canadian can in fact
become a joyful person. But if they're still in Canada,
then they they make Denver Broncos fans look like SpongeBob
square Pants. Canadians are so joyless they can actually infect
(27:55):
others around them and cause debilitating depression. That seems like
I'm just saying, if you wake up in Canada, there
is no tomorrow. Oh my god, Yeah, there is no
hope of a future, only the drudgery of your endless
days and the horrifying bleakness of a night without in
We'll be cutting this out. Sleep is an escape, and
(28:16):
escape is all you dream about if if you are Canadian,
you don't need to other indicators on this list. You
are joyless. Science is working on a cure, and the
most promising is to make your country part of the
United States. There's there's a lot of fear though that
your joylessness could infect u S citizens. So for now
we are working on other cures. Drugs and talk therapy
(28:39):
have been tested, but the results have been disappointing. In
the meantime, your best bet is to leave Canada. Any
place on Earth will do. Wait. So you participated in
a study about drugs and talk therapy with Canadians, Yes,
Canadian subjects who are suffering joylessness from living in Canada.
(29:00):
I was there in the room two way mirror watching
the studies. It sounds very controversial. Well, it's way ahead
of its time and a lot of times, Uh, you
can't let the general public know what you're doing because
it's so high level. Yeah, I wonder if anyone knew
what you were doing. Well, the thing is it wasn't working.
(29:24):
We had Pamela Anderson, Oh my gosh, Ryan Gosling and
the bear naked ladies. Those were our main subject, that's
what we're conducting the talk therapy with. And it was
I was so hopeful these clinical trials or they went nowhere. Wow,
(29:45):
I'm going to be honest. This sounds actually just plainly rude.
And I know for a fact that we have some
Canadian fans of this podcast, so I just want to
be respectful, and what I would say to them is
that joylessness is a problem that afflicts many people, not
just Canadians. As you can see by my scientific list,
(30:07):
there are a lot of joyless people in the world.
I didn't talk about racist or sexist or biggots of
any kind. I didn't didn't talk about proud boys or
people on Twitter. But as we know, these people experience
very low levels of joy and high levels of sociopathy.
Anger is a great indicator of low joy levels. So
(30:29):
my list isn't definitive, but it is scientific. It's it's
no coincidence that if you own a duvet cover, you
probably have a fish or shop at Costco or our
Canadian they usually link up. Most most joyless people have
at least three of these traits from my list. Okay,
you've classified all kinds of joyless traits, and you and
(30:52):
I had some fun thinking of joyless sentences to say.
But I just feel like in a podcast about joy,
you haven't really defined joy or explained how to get
joy out of life. For some of our listeners who
tuned in for that reason, Well, I was getting to it.
I mean, I I I don't like feeling rushed, Carolina.
(31:13):
I'm not rushing you. I know you can eat an
Italian meatball sub and under five seconds, but some of
us like to take our time with things. So I'm sorry,
And I'm not accusing you of being a glut. You're
young and impatient, and yes, you can be quite pushy,
even bordering on mean, but I'm not blaming you. Okay,
don't push me, though I'm not I'll push back. I
(31:34):
don't know much about the so called me too movement,
but I'm assuming there's still room for a fistfight or
two between us. I'm sorry, I'm not sure I'm understanding.
Are you threatening to beat me up because I asked
you to explain joy. Oh goodness, No, of course not you.
You're misinterpreting me again as always. But what would happen
if we just finally got to the bottom of this
(31:57):
anger we have towards each other and we we both
just got planks of wood and kicked the out of
each other. Well that's not really fair, because you've been
in so many weird battles and gladiator fights, and I've
never even been in a fist fight. What about slapping?
Have you ever been in a slapping fight or a
cat fight? Women often get in cat fights with hair
(32:19):
pulling and scratching. I see it a lot in footage
from Miami Beach. You've been in some of these over
the years, I assume. No, No, not really. I mean
there was this one time in college I gone to
a shoving fight in a bar and I did end
up slapping that person. Exhilarating, right, I mean yeah, I
hate to admit that, but it was. It was kind
(32:40):
of refreshing. A good open hand slap for someone who
truly deserves it can be very refreshing. I once slapped
an old man who kicked my dog Baxter for no
reason at all. Baxter was minding his own business in
the park one day, chasing butterflies. He really can be
a stupid dog sometimes. When this elderly and threatened to
(33:00):
lock him up, I exchanged some heated words with the gentleman,
and although I'm not proud, I insulted his shoes. They
were these tacky auburn loafers. The apparently it didn't like
what I had to say about his shoes, and he
kicked back ster. Oh my god, yes, So I slapped
him and it was a wonderful slap, and he knew it,
and I think looking back on it, he even would
(33:21):
say it was a well placed and well timed slap.
You shouldn't slap old men. Well, you shouldn't kick dogs either.
I don't think it's the same. So now, so now
you hate dogs? Fascinating. I don't I have dogs. Just
I don't want to hear stories about you hitting the elderly.
It's not allowable. I didn't make a habit of it.
(33:42):
I probably only hit a handful of old people in
my life. One came at me with a knife. She
was KGB in a hired assassin. Was it was? I
not allowed to defend myself. Don't twist what I'm saying.
I'm not saying that you're just you're a tall, large man.
Unless you're protecting yourself, I see no reason for you
to ever hit an older man or god forbid, an
(34:03):
older woman. There was a hit on me in the
late seventies. It was an open hit, which meant any
qualified professional could take their shot at me. I had
massad guys, Chinese guys KGB, and independent contractors coming at
me all hours of the day. One day in June,
I fought off four different hitmen, the last attempt ending
(34:26):
in a high speed car chase through the San Diego Zoo.
There was a lot of blood that day, most of
it hippopotamus, but also the French hitman who came at me.
I'm sorry why I missed why there was a hit
on you. Well, it was all a big mix up.
I looked like some Polish criminal named Ivan Blatsky and
they came at me. Yeah. Blatsky sent me flowers every
(34:50):
year for twenty years, thanking me for taking the heat.
We became good friends, even though he was a notorious murderer,
a drug dealer, and a human trafficker. Wait to what
happened to Ivan blacks. Well, he's living the good life.
He got a plastic surgery, moved to Florida and changed
his name to al Gore. Okay, al Gore, not that
al Gore geez, but yes, al Gore. He liked the name.
(35:14):
I guess I probably shouldn't have said anything. There's still
a hit out in Blaskey, and and now they'll know
he's living in Florida as al Gore, not former Vice
President Al Gore, who by all accounts as a humanitarian
and pretty good guy, but just plain old golf playing
pool side, sitting al Gore. I feel like we maybe
(35:34):
got off on a tangent. Definitely did I know you hate,
but you made me do it. The woman who came
at me with a knife and throwing stars and spikes
in her shoes was a professional killer, trained in martial
arts and was as cold blooded as they. So you
just slapped her in response back to tripped her as
she was lunging towards me, and yes, I got a
(35:57):
quick chop in as she was going down. Unfortunately for her,
she fell on one of her own knives and bled
out on my entrance. Baxter and I wrapped the body
in a sheet, with some rocks, and we rode it
into the Pacific and dumped her in the water. I
don't know how to talk about you disposing of a body,
but let's just we've wandered so far off from today's topic.
(36:20):
Let's just try to get back to it. Did you
think the story ended there, because that's not the end
of the story. No. Several years later, a poor Russian
man claiming to be her husband appeared at my doorstep.
I invited him in naturally. Yes, he had learned from
Russian authorities that a well respected news man and his
dog had killed his wife. He wasn't looking for revenge.
(36:42):
She was only looking for a momento, something he could
remember her by, because they were very much in love.
I have a soft spot for lovers and and love,
as you know, But I'll confess I had no such
memento to give the porcel. However, thinking fast, I handed
him an unopened can of Baxter's dog food and said
with all conviction that his wife had asked me to
(37:05):
give this can of dog food to her beloved husband
if he ever came looking for her. That was the
best you could think of. Well, I was thinking on
my feet, but here's the thing. He broke down, sobbing
in my arms, clutching the can of dog food like
it was a human heart. And in some ways it
was a human heart. It was all I had left
(37:28):
of his great love. In another way it was it
was just a can of dog food, Carolina, I leave
you with this. Love is strange. It's an all encompassing
feeling of human purpose. It centers us, and it's perhaps
the only reason we're here on earth. It is also
a can of dog food. Okay, So what about Oh
(38:00):
what about joy? This the topic today's podcast was supposed
to be about joy, and you haven't really explained what
it is or how to get it. How the hell
should I know? I play the flute, I swim in
the nude. I take surfing lessons from an old woman.
I drink scotch and sit for hours in my car,
trying to look like an undercover cop. I go to
(38:23):
the zoo and watch Cheetah's pace up and down. I
climb water towers and yell out my name. I build
dreamcatchers and collect old lanterns. I read about vikings, I
run backwards through malls. I eat anything that looks like chilli.
I write poetry. I danced like Pola Abdul, I enter
(38:44):
illegal street racing competitions. I'm recognized as one of the
world's best bird watchers. I pleasure myself. Yes, I pleasure
my wife. I love dogs. I love flowers and songs
about flowers, and I love love. And that's me in
a nutshell. I have no idea what brings other people joy.
(39:06):
I only hope everyone finds as much of it as
I have. So there's no way for someone to find joy.
There's no universal rule. No, there is not. I'm sorry
if I mislead everyone. You definitely did. However, there is
a trick I learned many years ago that will make
it easier for you to experience joy. Okay, what's that?
(39:29):
Stay classy. I'm Ron Burgundy. Thank you for listening to
today's podcast as
Host
Will Ferrell
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