August 19, 2021 • 21 mins
Rule #1? No drama. Rule #2? Lie to your friends and loved ones.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Ron Burgundy Podcast. Hello friends, it's Ron Burgundy and I
want to make something clear about podcasts. I can't see you,
I cannot see your faces, I can't even hear or
smell you, but I can love you. Caroline and I
(00:27):
have just been talking about how much we love this podcast,
love our listeners, love the I heart suits in their
HR department. Even after some tense hour long courses and
zero massages in the workplace as requested, most of the time,
we are like one big, healthy, beautiful family, one of
(00:47):
those Irish families where the kids never wear shirts because
there are too many kids, not enough clothing. Today, we
want to make an episode just for the listeners, talking
about the best memories we've shared and some of the
best times. Literally couldn't find Orange Julius anywhere, kind of
(01:08):
hard to find. Actually, Oh hi, Carolina, were you just
I got you the Entimans cherry cheese Danish? Is that
the one you wanted? It looks like it's been at
the gas station for a while, so just with caution,
right right, well, thank you very much. Wait you're already recording. Um,
(01:29):
I'm I'm no, I'm on the phone with my my mistress.
You're recording without me. Why all right? You see that
beige couch pillow you're sitting against, Yes, the one with
the weird so disdain It looks just like you run.
That's no, I don't mean that as an insult. I
(01:50):
mean I really thought you'd been here the whole time,
for the past hour. I mean before we started recording.
We we spoke for a while. I just thought you
were composed and demure, But in reality, it was a pillow.
I learned a lot from that pillow. But I'm glad
you're here and you can sit against it. This is
(02:10):
my cherry cheese danners. Yes, it's very warm. I hope
the cheese is still good. Yeah, so do I have
no idea how long it was at that gas station. Listen,
this is a great opportunity to announce to our guests
our topic for today now, Carolina, I know you and
I had a long back and forth on what the
topic should be here today. Um no, we didn't actually right. Sorry, again,
(02:34):
that was the pillow. She was so generous. She just
gave me the floor to explore my own ideas, no interruptions.
A lovely woman. What was the topic you two decided on? Well,
I was going to do numbers. Interesting. I know she
didn't like it either. Then I said, all right, if
that's too tame for you, then let's get political. Let's
(02:56):
debate out the White House should tackle student debt by
legislator or executive order. But gosh, governing by executive order is?
Is it freckles or necessary freckles? Do you mean reckless?
What are you reading this from? Ron? Show me your palm, Hey,
(03:17):
don't touch me. I'm calling Maria an Hr. You have
a bunch of smudged bullet points written in your palm.
The pillow would never have put me through a trial
like this. My pillow, Oh, my pillow that actually has
um kind of a negative political connotation. Fine, no politics.
I can't read half this stuff anyway. Do you have
(03:38):
the rest of my sentiments? Yes? I have the raspberry
Danish Twist, the guava cheese puffs, the mini raspberry creams,
the docy dough, lightbulb moment, Eureka, today I will be
speaking on health. Did you get my lemon snack pies? Yes?
All right, great, let's do this now. Listen. Being a
(04:03):
televised news anchor, I had lights and cameras on me
every night. I was under pressure. My nail beds had
to be tidy, my hair had to shine, and my
skin had to glow. Carolina, have you ever felt the
pressure to look good? Um? I don't think of it
as pressure. You're you're free of all that nonsense. Well,
(04:23):
God bless you, wild as a dog. But some of
our listeners out there may want to know how to
live a healthy lifestyle. And today I'm feeling generous. I'm
going to divulge all my beauty secrets. But run you
smoke only cigars and drink I'll tell you when I've
had enough. And you eat red meat like every single day,
(04:44):
and you eat it rare Okay, Listen, people know the
right thing to do. You eat a reasonable amount of calories,
not too much bread, not too much sugar. You work
out three minutes a week, et cetera. Everyone knows how
to do it. I mean, how many the Men's Health
magazine issues do we need? We get it. It's math,
But what about when we want to cut corners, eat
(05:07):
a street hot dog in the library, sleep all day
and eat children's birthday cake all night, smoke a morning
cigarette and steal the old lady's purse in the park.
So you want to teach unhealthy people how to be healthy.
I want to say this. Here are some secrets that
ask nothing of your precious wild life. They just help
you skate on by. And none of this is from
(05:30):
my palm, and none of this is from my pillow.
These are just some expert tips I've picked up on
my beauty journey. Oh yeah, that's right, I keep forgetting
you are a beauty blogger. Yes, I am, well, I
can't wait to hear well. The first tip is obvious?
Oh is it um like drinking eight glasses of water
(05:50):
a day? No, you don't need to drink water. What
do you mean you just don't need to? I promise.
Last time I had a glass of water, I did
it to be belied at a golf club. The servers
were slow with our drinks and everyone was toasting. But otherwise,
just don't worry about it. You're fine. Drink juice if
you have to eat water is boring and I live
(06:11):
a life of adventure. Okay, So if it's not drink water,
what's the obvious tip for our listeners. Well, it's something
my friend deep Jobra taught us on season one meditate. Okay, yes,
this is a common health tip. Meditation is great. Not
just meditate, but meditate with a coworker. Have a meditation
partner who can keep you accountable. So for our listeners,
(06:33):
let's just alve wherever we are, whether you're piloting an
F two raptor or operating a forklift. Let's close our
eyes and take three deep breaths with the people around us. Okay,
I'm supportive of that. Um ready one two, um oh
(07:02):
um two. We're onto No no, no, don't open your
eyes or it won't work. Are you going for my purse?
Give that to me? Ron, quit going through my purse. Listen,
I was doing this to prove a point. Meditate with
a coworker, then steal their money. I hate to say
it's easy, but it is. Let's let's move on from
(07:23):
this quickly because it was really for our listeners. So
a health tip you have is stealing money exactly, And listen. Sure,
I've disappeared in some caves for a few months, taken
vows of silence. I did yoga at the y a
few times with my buddy Mike, but nothing has given
me the relief excitement. The guard viva as having pulled
(07:45):
a fast one on a dear friend. All right, so
if you want a little kick in your step, maybe
pull a prank on a friend. No, no, no, that's
not what I meant. Steal something valuable, something that will sting. Okay,
(08:09):
Can we get to your next tip? Yes, yes, this
one I learned from the poets. While we all know
you love poetry, yes I do. And the poets such
as Rilka, William Blake, Sean Mendez, they all speak of love.
One of the best ways to live a beautiful, healthy
life is to fall in love and to make love
(08:31):
with a beautiful partner, not just any partner, someone who
sees you for who you really are, with your flaws
and charms. That's nice, ron I like that. And don't
just stay wrapped up in the sheets all day. Walk
around New York City with your sweetheart. Buy them a pashmina,
go to the fanciest restaurant on the Upper West Side
and split an intimates cheese filled crumb coffee cake. Just
(08:55):
sneak it in your purse, and then, with the bravery
of a soldier heading into battle, look at your loved
one and say those three magical words I love you.
I agree. I like this. I mean anyone who's been
in love can speak to its health benefits. And I
mean your partner's presence can lower your blood pressure, blessing
(09:18):
your anxiety. I think it like floods your brain with dopamine.
So yeah, you've heard it here first. Fall in love
a health tip from Ron Burgundy. No, I'm sorry what
I thought we were doing falling in love? My health
tip is come on strong way too early, be vulnerable,
(09:39):
show your heart, express your deepest fears, tell the stranger
your greatest aspirations, and then when they get spooked and
endo it fall apart. I'm I'm not understanding be wrecked.
As Cheryl Sandberg says, lean in, drink too much, send
them emails, call them litt into songs that remind you
(10:01):
of your time together. Look at pictures, think of what
you could have done differently. This is terrible health advice.
Ask your ex friends questions about how they're doing. What
are the benefits of forcing yourself into absolute heartache? Listen,
everyone thinks they look good when they're fat and happy
on the farm, but really you want to look distraught.
(10:23):
I learned this from the supermodels of the ninety nineties.
You need to get loss of appetite, hollow stomach, nausea,
and hopefully if you follow my instructions, you'll get an
intestinal disorder. Well, I don't want an intestinal disorder. I'll
just go do yoga somewhere. Listen, you know that feeling
when you can't eat and you you drink whiskey for
a month because your heart has been broken. I mean,
I haven't been completely wrecked over a breakup in years,
(10:46):
but yes, I've been there. We've all been there, Okay,
and how did you respond when your heart was torn
from your chest? Um? I was living in New York
at the time, and and god, right after me and
my ex broke up, I couldn't really sleep. So I
would wake up at like five am and go jogging
in the rain because it just felt good being cold.
(11:08):
And then after I would just chug some coffee. And
I was smoking a lot of cigarettes at the time.
Oh my god, I bet you looked great, didn't you.
I actually looked really good. Yeah. It's hard. It does
not feel good. And the hard thing is you eventually
get better, so you have to watch yourself. Suddenly you're
(11:29):
out at a jovial Italian restaurant with friends, and you're
ordering appetizers and you've kicked smoking. So what do you
do when you start feeling good enough to eat? You
think of the happiest memory you have with your ex lover,
and then you imagine them getting open mouth tongued by
Ron Pearlman. Oh my god, what do you want the
health ship or not? Okay? Well, what if the person
(11:50):
falls in love with you? What if they don't break
your heart? Oh you'll be fine. Okay, So I'm sickly thin?
What about my baggy eyes? What if I have like
a lifeless bombie? Look? All right, this is where it
gets a little unconventional. This is where it gets a
little unconventional. Have you heard of racehorse steroids? I mean,
I can imagine. They're exactly what they sound like. They're
(12:12):
exactly what they sound like, and therefore emergencies only. You
really can't use these every day. Actually, just try them
once and see how you react, and then go from there.
I'm not going to try them even once to see
how I react. They are great for job interviews, for
future reference, for future reference, That's what I said. What
(12:33):
does that mean? I'm sorry? Do I need to start
looking for a new job. Why did why did you
just say that? I don't know. Maybe the pod Save
America guys are hiring Ron. What's what's going on? Okay?
That was another example for our listeners. Another motivator to
kick you out of a sluggish rut is pure primal fear.
(12:56):
It wakes you right up. You see, that was a gift.
You are such a stop it stop, I mean it stop.
You are such a jerk? Listen? Do you want to
remain alert? You want to stay focused? Do you know
how fast bank tellers work when they're getting robbed? You mean,
when they're filling bags with money, they become seriously efficient.
(13:20):
But ten minutes before, the lines are slow as molasses.
Do you want to get more work done? Do you do?
You want to run a little faster, Find something that
scares the ship out of you and really let it
haunt you. In fact, if you can get a rabbit
possum and put some cheap Halloween superstore devil horns on it,
and then if you can put a little red velvet
(13:42):
cape on it, you could walk it around like a
little evil rabbid possum. I guess if you could get
a rabbit possum and put like a Halloween outfit on it. Yes,
I guess in theory you could do all of those things.
I don't know why you would to be a boss
lady who gets done. Whenever you're distracted zoning out on
your phone, you look next to you and what in
(14:02):
the almighty hell is that why? It's a foaming mouthed
possum dressed as a little king devil that snaps you
to attention. And that's for free. No horse steroids required. Gosh,
that's a good slogan for our show, don't you think?
What is the Ron Burgundy podcast? No horse steroids required? Okay, Ron,
If you're just drinking and smoking and stealing money from
(14:25):
your friends, how do you keep your teeth so clean
and your hair so shiny, your skin like glows? It's crazy. Yes, well,
let's get to the nitty gritty. I'm here for it.
We all want to hear. No horse steroids required. That
isn't working as an expression. It just means, let's get real.
Take the horse steroids off the table, be yourself. No
(14:47):
horse steroids required. All right, no horse steroids. We gotta
go for it. My gorgeous hair. It is the work
of fish oil supplements and silk pillowcases. Okay, I'm going
to write this down. You just buy them online, just
like regular silk pillow cases. I could maybe find some
cheap ones, any kind of silk pillow cases. They will
(15:07):
definitely help, Carolina. Let me see your hair. Oh yeah,
they could help with the situation. Oh boy, hopefully I
get it. And what about your pearly white teeth? Well
everyone knows this already, but I went to the dentist.
That's your beauty secret that you went to the dentist. Yes,
it was April. That's it. You've got to try the dentist.
(15:31):
But you just want once. So what I'm going to
get a lesson in how to brush my teeth once
a month? All right? Uh? Well, what about your skin?
You have this beautiful, like golden skin, Carolina. This is
exactly what Maria and Hr said was stop signed behavior. No,
we're just talking about health tips. I'm not being creepy.
(15:51):
I'm holding up a stop sign to you. Can you
respect that I don't want to marry you? All right,
don't write this down? Why are you writing this down?
I hate I have to tell Marie and HR about this. Yeah,
I've been up there like fifteen times for unwanted advances.
One morning, I just asked you if you wanted me
to grab you a coffee since you've got up before
ten am? And is that not the most romantic thing
(16:12):
you've ever heard? I had to talk to HR for hours. No,
I'm not doing this. I don't want to get into
it right now. Okay, what are some tips on your skin?
All right? Leaning close? No, because you're just gonna send
(16:34):
me the HR. You are ten steps ahead of meet Carolina. Okay, listeners.
My secrets to glowing skin. As you know, I have
a tanning bed in my closet. Um. Yeah, he does, actually,
but he won't hire a maintenance man for it. Whenever
it breaks. I locked Carolina in there and I just say,
figure it out. I'm gonna go get us some lunch.
(16:56):
So you just tan That's your only secret. No, mattig
Ascar is my secret. I had there to bask in
the sunshine and find a mysterious lover to roam the
beaches with. But little did I know the last time
I was there that I would uncover a link to
a terrorist financier Le Schifre. He was there to raise
money for his evil ventures in a high stakes poker game,
(17:19):
and I decided to gamble against him and topple his
organization of crime. Is um? Is that a James Bond movie?
I don't know, is it? What kind of car did
you drive him? Madagascar? Um? A Hurts Rental. I think
I got their standard two seater and Aston Martin dbs
V twelve ron. I think this is the plot to
(17:41):
Casino Royale with Daniel Craig. Oh God, I love him?
Are you you kidding? Really? Yes? Did you watch it? Listen? Carolina,
I'm just giving skincare secrets. You know me. I like
bang bang Western TV shows, and I enjoy watching my
reruns of Murder, she wrote, And don't forget, you know,
the love boat streaming I have on my phone. I'll
never forget the love boat streaming you have on your phone.
(18:04):
I just I don't watch these strange European spy films. Okay,
in that case, what are your other skincare secrets besides
buying a tanning bed and going to Madagascar? Listen, you
can't skimp on this area of your human body. I mean,
it's it's your face. That's why the movie Face Off
was so difficult for me to watch. You're scared someone
(18:24):
is going to steal your face. One, it's terrifying. If
anyone's face is getting stolen, you know it's going to
be mine. Actually that's not true. It could be either
mine or Adam Levin's. Maybe one of those judges from
the Voice Blake Shelton too. I mean people love that show,
but listen, we're all vulnerable. Protect your skin, uh you know, yeah,
(18:46):
protect your skin um with sunscreen. That's my big skincare
tip every day, preferably something above SPF thirty. No, no,
that's not what I mean. I mean, protect your face
before someone steals it right off of you. Wears it
tricks your brother and elicits information about a dangerous explosive,
and you're just in a hospital, faceless like a real
(19:09):
dang dong, just because you didn't listen to your friend Ron.
That's a movie. Nobody is going to steal your face,
all right, anything that you've heard from the experts in
this field, I mean, I'm trying to think of anything
realistic to tell our listeners about looking beautiful and feeling healthy.
You're absolutely right. Let me think I actually asked Anna
(19:30):
Winter this question after running into hert a gallery in
New York. I said, Annie, how do you stay hot,
hygienic and healthy? And do you know what? She said? Wait?
Did she even talk to you? She said, don't talk
to me. So besides tanning beds Madagascar, protecting your face
from a face off situation, and avoiding Anna Winter, I
(19:50):
don't know what to tell you. I mean, I think
I've actually been pretty generous. Well, we'll just have to
be grateful you gave us such semi valuable information. I mean,
none of us can be as healthy as you. We
really just don't have the time or resources. And I mean, run,
you spend like an hour each day just lotioning, and
you spend whole days sometimes tending to handcare. And that's
(20:13):
because a great way to make a first impression is
a smooth handshake. Well you actually do have like a
really freakishly smooth handshake. Uh huh? Why are you reaching
for the phone? Run? Hold on, hello, Marie. We've got
a situation. You stop it, Ah, wait, stop it
Ron Burgundy Podcast. Hello friends, it's Ron Burgundy and I
want to make something clear about podcasts. I can't see you,
I cannot see your faces, I can't even hear or
smell you, but I can love you. Caroline and I
(00:27):
have just been talking about how much we love this podcast,
love our listeners, love the I heart suits in their
HR department. Even after some tense hour long courses and
zero massages in the workplace as requested, most of the time,
we are like one big, healthy, beautiful family, one of
(00:47):
those Irish families where the kids never wear shirts because
there are too many kids, not enough clothing. Today, we
want to make an episode just for the listeners, talking
about the best memories we've shared and some of the
best times. Literally couldn't find Orange Julius anywhere, kind of
(01:08):
hard to find. Actually, Oh hi, Carolina, were you just
I got you the Entimans cherry cheese Danish? Is that
the one you wanted? It looks like it's been at
the gas station for a while, so just with caution,
right right, well, thank you very much. Wait you're already recording. Um,
(01:29):
I'm I'm no, I'm on the phone with my my mistress.
You're recording without me. Why all right? You see that
beige couch pillow you're sitting against, Yes, the one with
the weird so disdain It looks just like you run.
That's no, I don't mean that as an insult. I
(01:50):
mean I really thought you'd been here the whole time,
for the past hour. I mean before we started recording.
We we spoke for a while. I just thought you
were composed and demure, But in reality, it was a pillow.
I learned a lot from that pillow. But I'm glad
you're here and you can sit against it. This is
(02:10):
my cherry cheese danners. Yes, it's very warm. I hope
the cheese is still good. Yeah, so do I have
no idea how long it was at that gas station. Listen,
this is a great opportunity to announce to our guests
our topic for today now, Carolina, I know you and
I had a long back and forth on what the
topic should be here today. Um no, we didn't actually right. Sorry, again,
(02:34):
that was the pillow. She was so generous. She just
gave me the floor to explore my own ideas, no interruptions.
A lovely woman. What was the topic you two decided on? Well,
I was going to do numbers. Interesting. I know she
didn't like it either. Then I said, all right, if
that's too tame for you, then let's get political. Let's
(02:56):
debate out the White House should tackle student debt by
legislator or executive order. But gosh, governing by executive order is?
Is it freckles or necessary freckles? Do you mean reckless?
What are you reading this from? Ron? Show me your palm, Hey,
(03:17):
don't touch me. I'm calling Maria an Hr. You have
a bunch of smudged bullet points written in your palm.
The pillow would never have put me through a trial
like this. My pillow, Oh, my pillow that actually has
um kind of a negative political connotation. Fine, no politics.
I can't read half this stuff anyway. Do you have
(03:38):
the rest of my sentiments? Yes? I have the raspberry
Danish Twist, the guava cheese puffs, the mini raspberry creams,
the docy dough, lightbulb moment, Eureka, today I will be
speaking on health. Did you get my lemon snack pies? Yes?
All right, great, let's do this now. Listen. Being a
(04:03):
televised news anchor, I had lights and cameras on me
every night. I was under pressure. My nail beds had
to be tidy, my hair had to shine, and my
skin had to glow. Carolina, have you ever felt the
pressure to look good? Um? I don't think of it
as pressure. You're you're free of all that nonsense. Well,
(04:23):
God bless you, wild as a dog. But some of
our listeners out there may want to know how to
live a healthy lifestyle. And today I'm feeling generous. I'm
going to divulge all my beauty secrets. But run you
smoke only cigars and drink I'll tell you when I've
had enough. And you eat red meat like every single day,
(04:44):
and you eat it rare Okay, Listen, people know the
right thing to do. You eat a reasonable amount of calories,
not too much bread, not too much sugar. You work
out three minutes a week, et cetera. Everyone knows how
to do it. I mean, how many the Men's Health
magazine issues do we need? We get it. It's math,
But what about when we want to cut corners, eat
(05:07):
a street hot dog in the library, sleep all day
and eat children's birthday cake all night, smoke a morning
cigarette and steal the old lady's purse in the park.
So you want to teach unhealthy people how to be healthy.
I want to say this. Here are some secrets that
ask nothing of your precious wild life. They just help
you skate on by. And none of this is from
(05:30):
my palm, and none of this is from my pillow.
These are just some expert tips I've picked up on
my beauty journey. Oh yeah, that's right, I keep forgetting
you are a beauty blogger. Yes, I am, well, I
can't wait to hear well. The first tip is obvious?
Oh is it um like drinking eight glasses of water
(05:50):
a day? No, you don't need to drink water. What
do you mean you just don't need to? I promise.
Last time I had a glass of water, I did
it to be belied at a golf club. The servers
were slow with our drinks and everyone was toasting. But otherwise,
just don't worry about it. You're fine. Drink juice if
you have to eat water is boring and I live
(06:11):
a life of adventure. Okay, So if it's not drink water,
what's the obvious tip for our listeners. Well, it's something
my friend deep Jobra taught us on season one meditate. Okay, yes,
this is a common health tip. Meditation is great. Not
just meditate, but meditate with a coworker. Have a meditation
partner who can keep you accountable. So for our listeners,
(06:33):
let's just alve wherever we are, whether you're piloting an
F two raptor or operating a forklift. Let's close our
eyes and take three deep breaths with the people around us. Okay,
I'm supportive of that. Um ready one two, um oh
(07:02):
um two. We're onto No no, no, don't open your
eyes or it won't work. Are you going for my purse?
Give that to me? Ron, quit going through my purse. Listen,
I was doing this to prove a point. Meditate with
a coworker, then steal their money. I hate to say
it's easy, but it is. Let's let's move on from
(07:23):
this quickly because it was really for our listeners. So
a health tip you have is stealing money exactly, And listen. Sure,
I've disappeared in some caves for a few months, taken
vows of silence. I did yoga at the y a
few times with my buddy Mike, but nothing has given
me the relief excitement. The guard viva as having pulled
(07:45):
a fast one on a dear friend. All right, so
if you want a little kick in your step, maybe
pull a prank on a friend. No, no, no, that's
not what I meant. Steal something valuable, something that will sting. Okay,
(08:09):
Can we get to your next tip? Yes, yes, this
one I learned from the poets. While we all know
you love poetry, yes I do. And the poets such
as Rilka, William Blake, Sean Mendez, they all speak of love.
One of the best ways to live a beautiful, healthy
life is to fall in love and to make love
(08:31):
with a beautiful partner, not just any partner, someone who
sees you for who you really are, with your flaws
and charms. That's nice, ron I like that. And don't
just stay wrapped up in the sheets all day. Walk
around New York City with your sweetheart. Buy them a pashmina,
go to the fanciest restaurant on the Upper West Side
and split an intimates cheese filled crumb coffee cake. Just
(08:55):
sneak it in your purse, and then, with the bravery
of a soldier heading into battle, look at your loved
one and say those three magical words I love you.
I agree. I like this. I mean anyone who's been
in love can speak to its health benefits. And I
mean your partner's presence can lower your blood pressure, blessing
(09:18):
your anxiety. I think it like floods your brain with dopamine.
So yeah, you've heard it here first. Fall in love
a health tip from Ron Burgundy. No, I'm sorry what
I thought we were doing falling in love? My health
tip is come on strong way too early, be vulnerable,
(09:39):
show your heart, express your deepest fears, tell the stranger
your greatest aspirations, and then when they get spooked and
endo it fall apart. I'm I'm not understanding be wrecked.
As Cheryl Sandberg says, lean in, drink too much, send
them emails, call them litt into songs that remind you
(10:01):
of your time together. Look at pictures, think of what
you could have done differently. This is terrible health advice.
Ask your ex friends questions about how they're doing. What
are the benefits of forcing yourself into absolute heartache? Listen,
everyone thinks they look good when they're fat and happy
on the farm, but really you want to look distraught.
(10:23):
I learned this from the supermodels of the ninety nineties.
You need to get loss of appetite, hollow stomach, nausea,
and hopefully if you follow my instructions, you'll get an
intestinal disorder. Well, I don't want an intestinal disorder. I'll
just go do yoga somewhere. Listen, you know that feeling
when you can't eat and you you drink whiskey for
a month because your heart has been broken. I mean,
I haven't been completely wrecked over a breakup in years,
(10:46):
but yes, I've been there. We've all been there, Okay,
and how did you respond when your heart was torn
from your chest? Um? I was living in New York
at the time, and and god, right after me and
my ex broke up, I couldn't really sleep. So I
would wake up at like five am and go jogging
in the rain because it just felt good being cold.
(11:08):
And then after I would just chug some coffee. And
I was smoking a lot of cigarettes at the time.
Oh my god, I bet you looked great, didn't you.
I actually looked really good. Yeah. It's hard. It does
not feel good. And the hard thing is you eventually
get better, so you have to watch yourself. Suddenly you're
(11:29):
out at a jovial Italian restaurant with friends, and you're
ordering appetizers and you've kicked smoking. So what do you
do when you start feeling good enough to eat? You
think of the happiest memory you have with your ex lover,
and then you imagine them getting open mouth tongued by
Ron Pearlman. Oh my god, what do you want the
health ship or not? Okay? Well, what if the person
(11:50):
falls in love with you? What if they don't break
your heart? Oh you'll be fine. Okay, So I'm sickly thin?
What about my baggy eyes? What if I have like
a lifeless bombie? Look? All right, this is where it
gets a little unconventional. This is where it gets a
little unconventional. Have you heard of racehorse steroids? I mean,
I can imagine. They're exactly what they sound like. They're
(12:12):
exactly what they sound like, and therefore emergencies only. You
really can't use these every day. Actually, just try them
once and see how you react, and then go from there.
I'm not going to try them even once to see
how I react. They are great for job interviews, for
future reference, for future reference, That's what I said. What
(12:33):
does that mean? I'm sorry? Do I need to start
looking for a new job. Why did why did you
just say that? I don't know. Maybe the pod Save
America guys are hiring Ron. What's what's going on? Okay?
That was another example for our listeners. Another motivator to
kick you out of a sluggish rut is pure primal fear.
(12:56):
It wakes you right up. You see, that was a gift.
You are such a stop it stop, I mean it stop.
You are such a jerk? Listen? Do you want to
remain alert? You want to stay focused? Do you know
how fast bank tellers work when they're getting robbed? You mean,
when they're filling bags with money, they become seriously efficient.
(13:20):
But ten minutes before, the lines are slow as molasses.
Do you want to get more work done? Do you do?
You want to run a little faster, Find something that
scares the ship out of you and really let it
haunt you. In fact, if you can get a rabbit
possum and put some cheap Halloween superstore devil horns on it,
and then if you can put a little red velvet
(13:42):
cape on it, you could walk it around like a
little evil rabbid possum. I guess if you could get
a rabbit possum and put like a Halloween outfit on it. Yes,
I guess in theory you could do all of those things.
I don't know why you would to be a boss
lady who gets done. Whenever you're distracted zoning out on
your phone, you look next to you and what in
(14:02):
the almighty hell is that why? It's a foaming mouthed
possum dressed as a little king devil that snaps you
to attention. And that's for free. No horse steroids required. Gosh,
that's a good slogan for our show, don't you think?
What is the Ron Burgundy podcast? No horse steroids required? Okay, Ron,
If you're just drinking and smoking and stealing money from
(14:25):
your friends, how do you keep your teeth so clean
and your hair so shiny, your skin like glows? It's crazy. Yes, well,
let's get to the nitty gritty. I'm here for it.
We all want to hear. No horse steroids required. That
isn't working as an expression. It just means, let's get real.
Take the horse steroids off the table, be yourself. No
(14:47):
horse steroids required. All right, no horse steroids. We gotta
go for it. My gorgeous hair. It is the work
of fish oil supplements and silk pillowcases. Okay, I'm going
to write this down. You just buy them online, just
like regular silk pillow cases. I could maybe find some
cheap ones, any kind of silk pillow cases. They will
(15:07):
definitely help, Carolina. Let me see your hair. Oh yeah,
they could help with the situation. Oh boy, hopefully I
get it. And what about your pearly white teeth? Well
everyone knows this already, but I went to the dentist.
That's your beauty secret that you went to the dentist. Yes,
it was April. That's it. You've got to try the dentist.
(15:31):
But you just want once. So what I'm going to
get a lesson in how to brush my teeth once
a month? All right? Uh? Well, what about your skin?
You have this beautiful, like golden skin, Carolina. This is
exactly what Maria and Hr said was stop signed behavior. No,
we're just talking about health tips. I'm not being creepy.
(15:51):
I'm holding up a stop sign to you. Can you
respect that I don't want to marry you? All right,
don't write this down? Why are you writing this down?
I hate I have to tell Marie and HR about this. Yeah,
I've been up there like fifteen times for unwanted advances.
One morning, I just asked you if you wanted me
to grab you a coffee since you've got up before
ten am? And is that not the most romantic thing
(16:12):
you've ever heard? I had to talk to HR for hours. No,
I'm not doing this. I don't want to get into
it right now. Okay, what are some tips on your skin?
All right? Leaning close? No, because you're just gonna send
(16:34):
me the HR. You are ten steps ahead of meet Carolina. Okay, listeners.
My secrets to glowing skin. As you know, I have
a tanning bed in my closet. Um. Yeah, he does, actually,
but he won't hire a maintenance man for it. Whenever
it breaks. I locked Carolina in there and I just say,
figure it out. I'm gonna go get us some lunch.
(16:56):
So you just tan That's your only secret. No, mattig
Ascar is my secret. I had there to bask in
the sunshine and find a mysterious lover to roam the
beaches with. But little did I know the last time
I was there that I would uncover a link to
a terrorist financier Le Schifre. He was there to raise
money for his evil ventures in a high stakes poker game,
(17:19):
and I decided to gamble against him and topple his
organization of crime. Is um? Is that a James Bond movie?
I don't know, is it? What kind of car did
you drive him? Madagascar? Um? A Hurts Rental. I think
I got their standard two seater and Aston Martin dbs
V twelve ron. I think this is the plot to
(17:41):
Casino Royale with Daniel Craig. Oh God, I love him?
Are you you kidding? Really? Yes? Did you watch it? Listen? Carolina,
I'm just giving skincare secrets. You know me. I like
bang bang Western TV shows, and I enjoy watching my
reruns of Murder, she wrote, And don't forget, you know,
the love boat streaming I have on my phone. I'll
never forget the love boat streaming you have on your phone.
(18:04):
I just I don't watch these strange European spy films. Okay,
in that case, what are your other skincare secrets besides
buying a tanning bed and going to Madagascar? Listen, you
can't skimp on this area of your human body. I mean,
it's it's your face. That's why the movie Face Off
was so difficult for me to watch. You're scared someone
(18:24):
is going to steal your face. One, it's terrifying. If
anyone's face is getting stolen, you know it's going to
be mine. Actually that's not true. It could be either
mine or Adam Levin's. Maybe one of those judges from
the Voice Blake Shelton too. I mean people love that show,
but listen, we're all vulnerable. Protect your skin, uh you know, yeah,
(18:46):
protect your skin um with sunscreen. That's my big skincare
tip every day, preferably something above SPF thirty. No, no,
that's not what I mean. I mean, protect your face
before someone steals it right off of you. Wears it
tricks your brother and elicits information about a dangerous explosive,
and you're just in a hospital, faceless like a real
(19:09):
dang dong, just because you didn't listen to your friend Ron.
That's a movie. Nobody is going to steal your face,
all right, anything that you've heard from the experts in
this field, I mean, I'm trying to think of anything
realistic to tell our listeners about looking beautiful and feeling healthy.
You're absolutely right. Let me think I actually asked Anna
(19:30):
Winter this question after running into hert a gallery in
New York. I said, Annie, how do you stay hot,
hygienic and healthy? And do you know what? She said? Wait?
Did she even talk to you? She said, don't talk
to me. So besides tanning beds Madagascar, protecting your face
from a face off situation, and avoiding Anna Winter, I
(19:50):
don't know what to tell you. I mean, I think
I've actually been pretty generous. Well, we'll just have to
be grateful you gave us such semi valuable information. I mean,
none of us can be as healthy as you. We
really just don't have the time or resources. And I mean, run,
you spend like an hour each day just lotioning, and
you spend whole days sometimes tending to handcare. And that's
(20:13):
because a great way to make a first impression is
a smooth handshake. Well you actually do have like a
really freakishly smooth handshake. Uh huh? Why are you reaching
for the phone? Run? Hold on, hello, Marie. We've got
a situation. You stop it, Ah, wait, stop it
Host
Will Ferrell
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