Ron Hangs With the Wrong Crowd

Ron speaks to President Lincoln, and gets stuck in an un-classy mob.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Ron Berg and Dan talking and saything. Hello, do all
my podcast listeners. My name is ron Burgundy, and I'm
a very big deal. If you like common sense and
you can handle the truth, then you've come to the

(00:23):
right place. If you like fairy tales and Pally Waller,
then you can hit the road. Pal you know who
you are. I'm serious. If you see me out there
buying a magazine or a bag of pipe cleaners, how
about doing me a favor and walk the other way.
We have nothing in common you and I, so don't
make it uncomfortable. My listeners sign up for the truth,

(00:46):
not Pally Waller. The rest of you. Beat it. Carolina,
What do you got to say for yourself this morning? Um? Well,
I wait, I'm so sorry. What does Palli Waller mean?
Palli Waller? You know? Nonsense? Pally Waller? Is that like?
Is that slang? I've never heard of it? You know what?

(01:07):
Maybe maybe it's not a word. That's troubling. Where do
you suppose it came from? You said it, You said
it a second ago. No, no, no, I know, But
but where did it come from? Why did I say it?
I think we're onto something here, Carolina. Where do words
come from write that down for an episode idea etymology.

(01:28):
Yes exactly. I didn't make the word pally waller up.
I just used it in a sentence. Isn't that amazing?
It's a word now and has a life of its own.
Pally waller. Huh, A bunch of noises coming out of
my mouth. And now it's a new word ready to
take on the world. If you're listening out there, I

(01:49):
suggest using the word pally waller, meaning nonsense, three times
a day. It's one of our new words in the
English language. And it came to me about a minute ago. Anyway,
enjoy the word pali waller, I did, pali waller. Wonderful,
pali waller. I love it, Carolina, I do. But this

(02:10):
is a news and agricultural business program, so we shouldn't
doddle on new words. Has there ever been a news
and agricultural business program. I'm just yeah, you know, your right,
old friend, I was speaking nonsense. Yes, it sounds a
little bit like pali waller. Sensational. Uh, wonderful. So who's

(02:33):
on the program today, Carolina? You told me not to
book anyone because you said you wanted to talk about
large crowds. Oh, so I did large crowds. Well, let's
get this out on the table quickly. It's it's come
to light that I was part of an unruly mob
of people that attacked our Capitol Building earlier this year.

(02:54):
I thought for the longest time I would escape. Notice.
I wasn't wearing a Viking costume after all. But photos
have surfaced, and yes I was there, and double yes,
I did rush into the Capitol Building that day. I'm
not proud of my participation in this ugly chapter in
American history, but I can't hide behind a curtain of
lies the way some people do and the way I

(03:16):
do quite often. Okay, So I would like to explain
what happened though, So Caroline, I hope you can indulge me.
I'm I'm just trying to digest this. So you stormed
the Capitol Building January six with that ugly bunch of
racists and conspiracy nuts. I did. I did, But it

(03:38):
was totally an accident, and I'll explain um all right,
I'm listening. January six, two thousand one, I was in
town for the usual reasons, a visit to the Washington Monument,
the Reflecting Pool, and of course my favorite, the Lincoln Memorial.

(03:59):
It's something I've done since I was a small boy.
I have always said it takes courage to be a patriot,
but it also takes work, hard work. Well, there I
was standing on the edge of the reflecting pool, reflecting
on a life well lived. I thought about all the
dogs I've owned and the goats. I thought about the
different beards I've tried out. And I thought about Mary

(04:21):
lou Retton, who was such an inspiration and just a
just a dynamo of positive energy. Do you remember Mary
lou Retton, Carolina? No. I reflected that day on her.
I also reflected on what we as a nation had become.
I was troubled from the reflecting pool. I walked over
to the Lincoln Memorial, signing autographs as I strolled along

(04:44):
the wide walkways of our nation's capital. Oh, taurusts and DC,
get your autograph by the memorials. Yeah, I mean, I
not a ton I think I signed for Do you
offer to sign them before someone asks? Fully, I seek
people out their opportunity to get my autograph viewed as
like a public service. That's very generous, so, as I

(05:07):
was saying, when I got to the memorial. I looked
up at that great man sitting there in his chair,
and I thought what I've always thought, We are a
lot of like you and I, which is true, in
a verified fact. We are both tall. I like to
sit straight up, just like Lincoln whenever I sit in
a chair. That's true. We both liked the ladies and

(05:28):
fine wines and pleasure. I've been to many sex parties,
which I can only imagine. The tall, handsome Lincoln must
have indulged himself in many times. You can only imagine
that can imagine. There's no record of it. The history
books tell us that his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln was
a sexless wet blanket, and Abraham liked to cat around.
So yeah, whenever I lay my eyes on the memorial,

(05:50):
I get a very very cool vibe from it. Lincoln
and I are tot swan. I'm sorry toats. Yes, Totes
the brand name you can trust for your rainy day protection,
rain slickers, shoes and boots, and of course the world
famous Tots umbrella. When it's what outside, I reached for
my Totes Totes, Oh your wet weather needs. Now let's

(06:13):
see if anyone upstairs at my heart is listening. That
was a freebee I did for the toats company, and
hopefully someone will go chase that bread. When you say upstairs,
are you yelling upstairs? There's nobody upstairs. I was yelling
in the direction of what I feel like would be upstairs. Okay,
there's no boss upstairs. We're just in a studio. Anyway,

(06:34):
where where I was, I was our story. You were
explaining how you ended up storming the Capitol building by accident.
We're all waiting. Sometimes I can get off on a tangent.
It leads to a lot of pally water, but I
find my way back again. Anyway, back to the storming
of the Capital. Hey, um, Nick, what about what about

(06:56):
an echo effect for that line? Let's try it again,
the story of the Capital. That was pretty cool, as
the kids say. Anyway, there I was in deep spiritual
conversation with honest abe Lincoln when often the distance I
could hear the din of a crowd. At first, it

(07:18):
didn't bother me that much. Lincoln and I had a
lot to discuss. The world changes at such a dizzying
rate these days, Carolina. We we have women doing men's jobs.
We have adults eating children's cereal. We have dogs wearing
shoes in the rain, Totes dog shoes, which you can
find at tote dot com. Anyway, we have a population

(07:39):
that in less than twenty years will be a majority
non white. None of this bothered me terribly, and I
asked Lincoln what he thought about it. Of course, he's
just a large piece of stone now, But I sweared
in neptune. He started laughing. The laughter was loud and
echoed off the walls of the Great Memorial Chamber. I

(08:00):
had to cover my ears or his loud, hideous laughter
would have killed me. I screamed out, why are you laughing?
Why are you laughing? He was definitely laughing at me.
I take great exception to people who laugh at me.
Usually they get a fist to the face, and more
often than not, that fist carries a ring with it. Well,

(08:20):
I wasn't about to punch a giant stone statue of
Lincoln in the face, but I did toss some eggs
at the old guy, and that shut him up real fast. Sorry,
I have to interrupt you. You threw eggs at the
Lincoln Memorial. Guilty is charged? Have you been charged? No?
I'm just using it as it and I happen to
have some eggs on me. But I digress. So I'm

(08:44):
so sorry. The statue of Lincoln in the Lincoln Memorials
spoke to you, spoke to me, correct you communicate. I mean,
he would speak to you if you knew how to
open up your ears. But I'm not going to get
into that right now. Please don't know. It's a spiritual thing,
and you have no spirituality being a Swarthmore grad. No,

(09:04):
I didn't go to Swarthmore Oberlin. No, Santa Clarita School
of Dynastry. No, You're an elusive and complicated bitch. Toughs.
Stop calling me a bit, right, right right? I actually
wrote don't call Carolina a bitch on my hand today,
but then a few hand washes later and it just

(09:25):
says Carolina a bit. I get it now, Okay. Anyway,
here's what our sixteenth present said to me. He said, run,
I'm laughing because the world's always changing. It's been changing
since the beginning of time. Cowards fear the change. They
always have Go, he said, go today and see for yourself.

(09:48):
Walk among them like a ghost. You'll see nothing but cowards.
Listen to them, yelling that the world needs to go backwards.
Go roun Burgundy, go into the crowds of people. See
why I am laughing? And so I ran. I ran
to where the crowd was gathering outside the capitol building. Oh, Carolina,

(10:09):
you have to believe me. I wasn't there to take
down our capitol. I'm a journalist. I needed to understand.
You needed to understand. But I'm sorry. They have a
video of you running through the chambers yelling like a
crazy animal. I'm getting to that. Cool your jets, flapjar
or cool them for you? You cool your jets? No?

(10:29):
You whoa? Okay, yeah sorry, okay, yeah, you're right. My
jets were getting a little overcooked. Okay, they're cooler now.
So anyway, I ran over to the angry mob that
was forming outside the capitol. I don't think they liked me.
I was definitely the only man there in a three
piece suit. The crowd was definitely not classy. Very few suits.

(10:54):
In general. Any intelligent person can tell you if you're
dressed an appropriate attire. I'm talking about a suit preferably
three piece, hard shoes, a solid large, hefty wristwatch, good
extremely tight knee high socks that cut off circulation. It's
very hard to be unclassy. However, if you're dressed like
a troll or a caveman, or a little boy with

(11:17):
shorts and sneakers or a Viking, you're gonna do unclassy things.
Well that's what was happening. First. There was a lot
of pushing and yelling, and I heard stop the steel,
which made literally no sense to me. But they were
yelling at well. They were yelling stop the steel because
they believe the election was stolen from Donald Trump. I
didn't know that. I didn't know anything. I was in

(11:39):
Washington to take my annual bath and democracy. These these
people were yelling. That's all I knew. I'm gonna be honest.
I love yelling. When people yell, I get excited. I
was in a Hooters bar in North Carolina one time.
Have you been to a Hooters establishment? Um? Yeah, once?
But it was ironically, of course, ironically me too. Ironically, yes,

(12:01):
I would say sarcastically right. Anyway, the waitresses at Hooters
were provocative outfits that highlight their boobies, so I like
going there. That's what they're famous for. You. Also, the
hot Wings are superb Hooters for the best boobies and
delicious wings. Head on over to Hooters. That's money we
should be chasing, folks, free out for Hooters. Where was I?

(12:37):
You were in the Hooters, North Carolina? That's right. It
was a humid and heavy night. The restaurant was overcrowded
with young college students and their parents. A football game
was on. The cold beer and hot wings flowed like
the Amazon River from deep in the jungle of that
Hooters kitchen. At some point, according to a police report,
the crowd became unruly. I would characterize it more like

(12:59):
we were all having a good time. The yelling started.
I joined in. I love to yell. The crowd was
singing and yelling something to do with the football game,
and I was yelling whatever came to my mind. I
yelled boobies, and I yelled, this is my voice up here.
I yelled Scotch tape, scotch tape. I'm sorry. Why would

(13:20):
you ever need to yell scotch tape? It just popped
into the old noggin. You were just having fun, just
having fun. Yeah, free association exactly. It was so much fun.
Plates were broken, tables fell over, and the place burned down.
No one was hurt. I repeat, no one was hurt.
It sounds like arson. Nope, Diane one of the waitresses

(13:45):
at Hooters that night, who who happened to have gigantic jugs.
But that's not necessarily important to the story, but it
is true, so I added it for embellishment. Uh, confessed
to me over coffee later that it had been the
funnest height of her life. Diane and I discussed many
things that night. I don't want to hear more. Her

(14:05):
dreams of one day becoming a hairstylist to the stars,
her mundane upbringing in the swamps of the Everglades. Her
husband who was doing a stretch for racketeering. Okay, that's nice.
We talked through the night, and then we made sweet Love,
Sweet sweet, sweet love, her wonderful bosom, fully exposed in
the morning light as she's straddled run. Are you listening?

(14:29):
What huh? Storming the capital? Oh? Yes, crowds right. I
drifted away there. I'm embarrassed now. I was thinking about Diane. No,
we know you were. Where is she now? She's probably
styling hair for the stars, and me I'm flying in
my taxi, taking tips and getting stowed Harold Win. Anyway,

(14:53):
yelling for me always leads to fun, and usually something
gets broken or burned or both. So you're saying you
are caught up in the noise of the crowd. You
had no idea what they were yelling about, and you
joined in. Oh, I like this, Let's do this. You
you prosecute me. You put me on the stand, just
like you're doing, and this will be good practice for

(15:14):
me when I have to testify on my behalf. I'm
sorry you're going to court over this. Of course I
have to defend myself. I wasn't part of any insurrection.
Here's what we'll do. You play the government prosecutor, and
you're grilling me on the stand. It really go after me.
I've just been given the oath, my hand on the Bible.
Ultru is nothing but the blah blah blah blah blah blah.

(15:35):
Now go. You want me to prosecute you, Holy Carolina,
What did they teach you at Vassar? Yes, I want
you to play a prosecutor and go right after me
for insurrection and storming the capitol as I am charged.
Did you storm the capitol? Put some mustard into it,
will you? They had no theater classes at Cornell. It

(15:57):
didn't go to any of these schools. Ron, Okay, play
like a TV prosecutor. Okay, um okay, here goes Mr Burgundy.
You say you were an innocent bystander on January six,
earlier this year, when you rushed our nation's capital as
part of an angry mob attempting to overthrow our government.
Is that correct? Good? God, that was good Carolina. Um. Yes,

(16:23):
I was completely innocent and was not part of the insurrection.
Completely innocent, m ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I
direct your attention to Exhibit B forty one and the
six pictures of the defendant inside the capital. Picture number
one running wildly down the hall. Picture number two coming
out of the women's bathroom, holding your hands up as

(16:45):
if to say surfs up. Picture number three smoking a
cigarette in Nancy Pelosi's office. I'm sorry, how do you
explain this? Mr? Burgundy? You're a good lady, very good,
But a couple of brass tits and a bitchy tone
aren't enough to scare me. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.
My name is Ron Burgundy. My story is as old

(17:07):
as the hills. I was born in a small town
in Iowa, way back yonder from the river. We didn't
have a lot growing up. But what we did have
with your honor, I object What does this man's biography
have to do with his case? Objection? Over rule? Let
Mr Burgundy speak? How come you're playing the judge. We
didn't even talk about that. We can't have a woman judge.

(17:28):
Don't be ridiculous. Some of the greatest judges in American
history have been women, including five Supreme Court Justices. Okay, okay,
whatever you get to be the judge, sustained Mr Burgundy.
You will answer the question. I can explain your honor.
It's simple. These photos were photoshopped on a computer. They
did it with Bernie Sanders and his mittens, and now

(17:51):
my own government is trying to frame me with fake photos.
We have you on videotape running through the halls of
Congress yelling the British are coming. I was hi. I
was high on adrenaline and something a seven foot tall
Viking gave me. I thought I was in the Revolutionary War,
and I was Paul Revere, silversmith and patriot. I was

(18:11):
acting patriotically. How's that that's your defense? Your honor. I object,
the prosecution is badgering the witness. Overruled. Damn it, this
is a sticky wicket. I repeat, Mr Burgundy, Can you
explain to this courtroom why you stormed our nation's capital
on January six and smoked a thin caprice cigarette in

(18:32):
Nancy Pelosi's office? I can, your honor, I can, but
you must indulge me. Will you indulge me just a
little bit, just this once, Mr Burgundy, crowds have always
inspired me from the earliest memory as a young boy
growing up in Iowa. Your honor, I object, overruled. Let
Mr Burgundy speak, Thank you, your honor. I'm sorry I

(18:53):
doubted the sagacity of women judges. Women are playing an
increasing role in society at large. And though it makes
a lot of men very angry, men with small dingles, usually,
I think it's for the better. Where was I you
were a small boy in Iowa? Thank you, judge. You're
much more patient than the prosecuting attorney. Would you care

(19:14):
to have a drink? Once? I nailed this thing, and
it's all over, Mr Burgundy, This is a court of law.
As the poet hath said, there is no court without
courtship and no law without love. I object. Shut your
thin lipped mouth. The judge and I are going for
cordials at Tommys Shenanigan's when this trial is over and
you are not invited, please Mr Burgundy your defense of course, Judge.

(19:40):
Since I was a kid, I've always loved a crowd,
circuses and fairs, concerts and riots. I simply cannot keep
away from a good crowd. I don't know why that is.
I went to a headshrink one time for six years
to have my being inspected, and he told me, after
a lot of money went down the drain, that I
had a personality to s. They're called being a great guy.

(20:02):
So I guess you can blame it on me being
a great guy. But whenever a crowd forms, I form
with it. We had a horse thief come through our
town when I was around five years old. A large
group of children ranging from ages two to seven formed
what they called a posse, but what in hindsight I
would call an angry mob. Whatever it was, it looked

(20:24):
adorable and like a lot of fun. I joined in
and we chased the horse thief to an old barn
on the edge of town. They're the frightened horse thief
began yelling out things like I don't have a horse,
and I'm your second grade school teacher. And then someone
shouted out, I'm pretty sure it was me. Burn him,
burned down the barn and the varmut that stole them horses.

(20:44):
You were around five years old when you shout at this,
and someone got some torches again, I think it was me,
and we threw them up on the hay loft and
set the whole barn ablaze. The excitement was electric. Wait,
this is horrific. This is one of the worst things
you've ever said. From that night forward, I knew that
being in a lively crowd was for me. I rest

(21:06):
my case. Yes, Judge, no, it's it's Carolina. Now we're
gonna reality. You can't tell that story in a court
of law or anywhere. This is your second time talking
about Arson in this episode alone. And you and all
of those two year olds and seven year olds killed
a man. It sounds like and it sounds like an

(21:26):
innocent man. He was. He was the best second grade
school teacher at the elementary school in town. He was.
It was all a big mix up hijinks. You see
how that story might not work in your favor, though
when you go to court. I never thought about it
like that at any rate. Mr grabble Stone didn't die.
Oh my God, Jesus Christ, that's not the first time

(21:48):
I thought you've killed someone. Needless to say, However, when
I finally got to second grade, he was He was
my teacher, and he was tougher on me than any
of the other children. At first, I didn't know why,
but then I remembered I I had to burn him
to death. So I took the daily after school meetings
with an understanding that life comes with consequences, and I
was living in mine. But you're right. If I tell

(22:11):
that story, people might think I was a violent child,
and so it could be implied I wish violence on
our nation's capital. But that is not the case at all.
I am a patriot first and foremost, and I love democracy.

(22:33):
So your defense will basically be that you're a guy
who was trying to have some fun. Precisely, you can't
tell what the intentions of a crowd are right away.
You You just can't, and I mean from very very
very very far away, an aerial of you from the sky. Yeah, no,

(22:55):
you were on the ground, and it's aerial view. It's
not Ariola. It could been a carnival. How was I
to know it was a bigoted cesspool of cargo shorts.
Let me tell you I was in Argentina a couple
of years ago, and I was swept up in a
wonderful partying atmosphere with thousands of people in the streets,
so much yelling and screaming and that jibbery jabbery language

(23:17):
they have down there, and it was it was all
Pally Waller to me. You're I think you're talking about
the Spanish language. Yes, but it just sounded like Pally
Waller allowed music to my years. I believe. I started
yelling my own made up language with him. Pretty Soon
some army guys showed up with shields and cannons and
tear guests. Here's my point. That crowd was not there
to have a party. They were protesting their government, and

(23:41):
how was I to know that? So we're just going
to keep going with the I was just having fun. Defense. Basically,
you should get a lawyer. You could end up in
jail over this Pally Waller. Do you know how many
l A laws I've seen take a guess hundred. I
don't know. Guess again. Uho, and come on, Carolina. They

(24:02):
didn't make a thousand l A Laws starring Corbin Burnson.
There are hundred and seventy two episodes, and I've seen
every one of them. So yeah, I know my way
around a courtroom. The thing about being in court is
that you've got to have a great closing argument. No
one will convict me of sedition or anything when they
hear my closing argument. Okay, let's hear it. What wait wait,

(24:25):
wait now, yes, no, I've I've hardly had time to
compose it. I need a long weekend in my place
up north. Okay, so maybe later, Well, you know, I
could muster up something, you know, off the top of
my head, just just wing it, as they say, much
like the b S improv classes. You took it Barnard
for sixty grand a year. Okay, that's fair. Okay, so

(24:45):
here goes. I'm just gonna yeah, I want to hear
I think we're all waiting off the top of my head.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, your honor, Hello, distinguished guests,
and for an dignitaries, just in case they happen to
be there discovering all my bases. My name is Ron Burgundy,

(25:06):
and I stand accused of the crimes of high treason
and sedition. The prosecution would have you believe that a
world class news anchor, an award winning dressage competitor, plotted
deliberately against the country he loves, in an attempt, along
with hundreds of other idiots, to overthrow the House of
Congress on January six two one. First of all, may

(25:30):
it pleased the court, But I have some explaining to do.
Dressage is the highest expression of horse training, where horse
and rider are expected to perform from memory a series
of predetermined movements. It's a big deal, and I'm one
of the sports biggest names. Look it up. I've jured
horses and dressage tournaments all over the world. I've taken

(25:53):
home golden cups and beautiful sashes. Do I let someone
else ride my horses? No? I ride my own horses
in the tournament I enter. That's how dedicated I am.
My horses and I are welcome. And most of the
finest arenas in the world, not Portugal. Because I was
accused by my fiercest rival, Artagon del Gregory of Aasquez

(26:13):
of cutting the tendon of his horse Thedan before a tournament.
All of this will be cleared up in a different
courtroom for a different day. My main point is that
let's not forget I'm a man of class and I
own six horses hoth Gar, Apple, Butter, mr Landau, Templeton Jones,
Karen Bradstreet and Octavious Pope. So before I begin my

(26:37):
formal closing statement, I just wanted that information out there
about Drssage and how I am a big deal in
the equine world. Okay, now that that's out of the way,
what's next. Let's see. Oh, yeah, I was the only
guy in that crowd that day wearing a tie. That

(26:58):
should be duly noted. And I rest my case. That's
your closing argument. You just told us your horse's names,
and you told us what drssages, and then you just
said that you wore a tie. Yeah, I mean maybe, well, no, no,
I have a lot more. You know, at this point,
to try it would probably pull a classic sidebar, you know,

(27:20):
something like if it's so, may please the court, May
I approach the bench and I would say something like
this quietly to the judge and the prosecutor. Your honor.
We all know this is bullshit. You know it, I
know it, the prosecution knows it. Maybe we should just
call it today and the three of us just to
find the nearest watering hole. I suggest Tommy Shenanigan's, and

(27:41):
I'll buy everyone a scotch. You have already scouted out
a bar near the courthouse named Tommy Shenanigans. Is the
second time you brought it up, that watering hole? Yeah, okay,
you can just call it a bar. Yeah, I'm sorry,
But I also don't think you can just approach the
bench during your closing arguments. Is that something they taught
you at us? Anyway, I'm the lawyer here. You can

(28:04):
sidebar whenever you feel like it. Okay, But it doesn't matter,
because after that persuasive argument about my involvement in the
sport of grssage, I would bring it all back around
with some real Mr Smith goes to Washington type stuff.
Give me an example, Okay, are you prepared to cry? Sure? Well,
here it comes the water works, Ladies and gentlemen of

(28:26):
the jury. I've laid out my case. I'm a big deal.
I'm important in the equine gssage world. We got to
move past the dersage. And even though I didn't talk
about it much, I have a large collection of painted driftwood.
But I'm not here to boast about my great accomplishments. No,
I'm here to talk about the United States of America.

(28:46):
What is America? When I was a small boy growing
up in the Heartland, we had an idea of America.
You waved to your neighbors and to your friends at church,
and it looked like a stingray bicycle making its way
to the five and dime to buy a sling shot
with money we had saved from our paper route. We

(29:08):
collected string and caught frogs, and we made it home
for dinner before it was too late. America was as
certain as a B fifty two bomber. And when Walter
Croncott came on TV and told us that's the way
it is, we slept well, knowing he wouldn't lie to us. Well,
something happened over the years. We lost all of this.

(29:29):
The Cubs won a World Series, and we voted an
unashamed racist and narcissist into our highest office. Oh well,
looks like America is over. Not so fast. Let's take
a look at what's happened Since I bought that sling
shot with my paper route money, women have been appearing
in the workplace and higher numbers and with more influence.

(29:52):
I cannot believe you're saying this right now, unrepresented groups
are making their way into places of power. Yes, exactly.
Is it happening fast enough? Of course not. But changes
on the horizon, and those that fear it will be
left behind. Those that see the change as good are
the Homo sapiens. They stand on two feet and see
the horizon before them, filled with the possibility of hope.

(30:16):
They are the true Americans. This is strange to be
so aligned with you mentally right now. This is a
strange feeling. My name is Ron Burgundy, and I am
a patriot. If I was in that capital building on
that fateful day, it was because I cannot control myself
with loud noises. I have a condition. People were yelling

(30:38):
and it looked like fun, so I joined. In the end,
I'll leave you with this. I had a dog when
I was but a boy. His name was Peter Blakovich,
but I called him Pet. We were inseparable, Pet and I.
We went everywhere together through the fields and woods, and
swimming holes around my town. He wasn't short my best friend.

(31:01):
One day I came home from school and Pete wasn't
there to meet me at the gate like he always did,
bouncing and wagging his tail. My father was on the
front porch and I could see his head in his hands,
and he was crying. Why are you crying, father, I asked,
it's Pet, he said. A lump formed in my throat.
I was almost too afraid to ask, is something the

(31:23):
matter with Pet? No? Pet's fine, son, he said. Pet
ran off with your mother and stole my money in
our silverware. I'm ruined. How is this possible? I asked.
My father explained Pet was a circus performer and a
dog costume. He worked his way into our family, gaining

(31:43):
our confidence as a beloved dog. As soon as the
coast was clear, he took the money, the silverware, and
took your mother and headed for Arizona. I don't believe it,
I said. He was our dog for four years. He
ate dog food and slept outside in a doghouse. It's
called along con Ron, and you'll learn about it as
you grow older. Well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

(32:06):
the long con is alive and well, I thank you.
I'm so sorry. You never told me that your mom
ran away with a man dressed as a dog. Yeah,
it's it's hard to talk about, Carolina. Did you ever
see your mom again? Oh? Yeah, I saw her about
three weeks later and for the rest of her life.

(32:27):
So she didn't stay with the guy and the dog outfit.
She had no idea there was a guy in a
dog costume. She literally fell in love with Pet, a dog, yeah,
and eloped with him. But when the circus performer inside
the pet costume revealed himself, she was heartbroken and came home.
So she didn't know it was a guy in a

(32:47):
dog costume. She just fell in love with your family dog. Jesus, Yes, Carolina,
she eloped with a dog. My mother fell in love
with a dog, left her family of six children and
a husband for a dog named Pet. Okay, okay, are
you happy dredging up this awful episode in My Child?

(33:09):
Are you okay? I'm so sorry for laughing. It's just
so ron. Let's move on. That's enough podcast for today.
Um To our listeners, the word for the day was
pali waller, meaning nonsense or jelly. Foil the opinions expressed
in today's podcast, or the opinions held by only the

(33:29):
finest and best people. The Ron Burgundy Podcast is not
responsible for how you live your life. But on behalf
of Ron Burgundy, who's going to be okay, he's just
getting it out. I will say, stay classy, America,