July 29, 2021 • 23 mins
A raccoon finds its way into the studio. We are dead serious. What the hell?
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ron. Welcome to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. My name is
Ron Burgundy. Last time I checked in the phone book,
and here I am with some other people. You're it's
just me. You're here with me Carolina? And is it
(00:21):
Carolina or Carolina? How do you pronounce that? Um, it's Carolina.
It's so funny. You just have one of those faces
where someone can know you for years and forget everything
about you in one second. And I mean that as
a compliment. It's it's very poetic. Actually, I think that's rude.
I think that's very rude. All Right, you know what.
(00:41):
I was gonna wait till later to bring this up,
But Caroline, I just need to tell you this. I
have a piece of dried being like a like a
pento being. Skin on your tooth must be your from
your breakfast burrito. I wish you had brought it up earlier.
Act Is that is that rude? Should I not have told? No?
I just why, I don't know. I just tell me
(01:02):
on air. But one second, just let me get it. Okay,
it's fine. Just let's move on. Oh you did not
get its, sister. It moved into the house next door.
It looks like someone knocked your other tooth out? Are
you embarrassing about the bean on your tooth? I'm we
have a little bit of a situation today. I mean
(01:22):
there's nobody in the studio due to social distancing. Yes,
social distancing is key, but the social distancing guidelines have
put a real damper on my parties for like a year.
Well it's almost over, and can I be frank with you,
My last Fondu night slash neighborhood orgy sucked. I could
(01:42):
only invite one person and I was torn between Patrick
Dempsey and Bodic Interesting, but neither of them answered their pages.
So I ended up just having November's Playmate of the
Month come over and we ate a bowl of melted
lukewarm fon du cheese and made love silently. I think
I coughed. It was awkward because there are usually sixty
(02:05):
other people in the room. But that's that's social distancing
for you. Oh great, big brother, wish he'd social distance
a little bit. You know what I mean? Is that
what's making the sounds, big brother? In the microphones? I mean,
every everyone knows that. You know, when they've tapped your phones,
(02:26):
there's that clicking sound, right. I don't think that's big brother.
I actually don't know what that sound is. One second, Carolina,
don't play footsie with me. That's inappropriate, boss. But furthermore,
I'm also out of your league, much more attractive than you.
I didn't try to play footsie with you. Wait, I
think is there something under the desk? What in God's
(02:47):
name is it? Oh my god? Okay, what Carolina, Carolina?
What is it? Okay, it's um it's a raccoon. Oh,
oh my god. I knew this day would come. I
knew this day would come. You did. Wait, I don't
(03:08):
know how it got in here. You know why. It
must have crawled through that hole you kicked in the wall.
Is it Is it still in there? Yes, it's still
in here. Run. There's actually nothing to be afraid of.
We can take care of this. Get it the hell
out of the studio. Does anyone have a tranquilizer God? No,
Why would anyone bring a tranquilizer gun to the studio? Well,
(03:31):
for one, because it's in my contract. I'll be talking
to my lawyer about that. Wait, I'm so sorry. What's
in your contract? Ever since we had that be in
the studio, I explicitly made sure that there was language
that there will always be at least six tranquilizer guns
on the premises of a Ron Burgundy appearance at all
times for safety. Yes, this is for the safety of
(03:54):
the crew and also for my own protection. Oh my god, Okay, okay,
there's no train wiser guns on. I guarantee you this
raccoon is more scared of you than you are of it.
And I'm looking at it. Oh my god. It looks
a little confused, but it's not threaten an. You are
so naive, Carolina, it makes me sick. That's exactly what
(04:17):
the raccoon wants you to think. It's luring you into
a false sense of security. Don't don't look at its eyes.
It's trying to form a bond with you, and that's
when it will attack. Ron. It's literally just sitting here
in the chair, the one you usually sit, and actually
it's it's kind of cute. I'm sorry. Are you comparing
me to raccoon, Carolina? No, that is disrespectful. I am
(04:41):
nothing like a raccoon. They are untrustworthy creatures and that's
why they're always wearing bandit masks stealing trash. Have you
ever seen me wear a bandit mask. No, because I'm
a man, not a raccoon. And if I were an animal,
I I'd be a hawk, no heart hawk, but with
(05:01):
the beautiful teeth of a beaver, and with the memory
of an elephant, and the hair of a bison, and
certainly have a nice ass too. So whatever animal that
is you fill in the blank. I guess you know.
I wasn't implying that you were a raccoon. I have
seen you eat leftover birthday cake straight from the trash. Okay,
(05:21):
never mind that. Never seen you eat coffee cake from
the trash. I've seen you eat cold cuts from the trash. Okay, okay, okay, okay,
we're not going to talk about that. It's not important
right now. So what are we dealing with here? Can
you get a good look at its genitalia? I'm not
seeing it's genitalia. I haven't looked at a raccoon's genitalia before,
(05:43):
so I don't even know. Just remember it's front paws
are extremely dextrous. Carolina. Are you wearing perfume? No? No,
I'm not wearing perfume, of course not. Do you have
any you can put on? I have some at home.
I don't have any with me. I don't know why. Okay,
forget it, forget it, forget it. I was just hoping
(06:04):
that cheap mall perfume you wear would help cover the
smell of fear in the room. I think it's it's
called something like retired show girl. No. First of all,
my perfume is not cheap. Okay, don't tell me you're
paying a lot of money for that stuff. Wow, you're
getting ripped off. It smells like glass cleaner and old tangerine. Okay. Secondly,
(06:25):
I'm not scared of the raccoon. If it smells any fear,
it's coming from you. I'm sorry to say that, but
you No one has a tranquilizer. God, no one, no
one's here. I run. This is absolutely insane to me.
What what about a taser cattle prod? Did you bring
a cattle prod? No? Does one of the nerds in
(06:46):
this office have one of those really expensive Star Wars lightsabers?
Oh my god, it just moved. Look look it's it
thinks it's so cool. I hate how cocky he is.
You know what, Ron, Honestly, I think just a waiting game. Okay,
I'll order some food and I'm pretty sure we can
just lure it out of here with I don't know,
(07:07):
a lunch order or something. So let me get this straight.
Your plan to deal with that ferocious beast whose genital
you you can't even identify is to buy it one
of your chopped salads or ordering a damn rack a lamp.
It's an omnivore, you idiots. Do you want me to
put a call into Dan Tannis? If you're that scared,
just stay where you are and don't move. Listen to me, Carolina,
(07:31):
the raccoon coming in here, it's no accident. It came
in here for a reason, a very specific reason. It
came here for revenge. You'll have to explain. I'm I'm
not following. Did I ever tell you about my hit
and run? It was three I was driving down Pch
(07:51):
towards Malibu, listening to John Denver after a bad break
up Rocky Mountain. Huh, you know the drill. Anyway, I
was eating a burger and smoking a lucy cigarette and
I must have gotten distracted. Why don't we do this
story off the air and then splat a raccoon across
my windshield? Jesus Christ, Okay, I get out. I cry
(08:13):
for a good thirty minutes, say a prayer, and give
it a proper burial. I mean, that's actually really kind
of you. I wouldn't think that was necessary. And as
I lay him to rest, I heard something else. That's
when over my shoulder I saw a baby raccoon waiting
in the brush, staring at me with one tear running down.
(08:35):
It's cute, little I'm trying to finish the story. Stopped scuttling.
I'm talking about you anyway. I just knew it was
his son, and he looked at me, and I knew
what he was saying. What was he saying? I'll remember you,
Ron got okay, you got that from him? Yes, I'm
(09:00):
so sorry you went through that. I don't think that
it's related. Okay, Well, you don't sound like you're taking
this seriously. What what is that? What? Wit? Wait? What
does that sound? Did it puncture you, Carolina in the neck? No,
I'm sorry, I'm fine. It's just grabbing at the microphone.
Do not give that raccoon a podcast? What. I swear
(09:21):
to God, if we start letting animals host podcasts, the
press and animal rights groups will be all over us.
I'm not going to give the raccoon a podcast. I
don't even think there's anyone who would listen to it.
I don't think a raccoon could manage a podcast. I
don't know. I mean, there's people on YouTube that do
this thing called uss are where they scratch things and
(09:43):
make sounds with their mouths, and the videos are very popular.
Millions of people watch them. Um, that's a s MR.
I'm not sure how scientific it is, but I do
know that it's very popular. Can we try doing a
s MR on the raccoon to lull it into a
slumber so it can be safely moved for the room? Um?
I don't. I don't know if that will help at all.
(10:04):
So you're just sitting there doing nothing, Carolina, Tap your
fingers on the mic and see if it calms the raccoon. Obviously,
don't use the same mic the raccoon is holding it.
It will bite your fingers off. I'm not going to
use a s MR. Okay to try and get this
raccoon out of here. I'm not just do it, Carolina.
You know what, fine, fine scratch scratch, scratch, scratch scratch.
(10:33):
Sh Is it working? No? In fact, I think it's
actually bothering the raccoon that we're making these weird sounds. Okay,
I did not want to do this because I was
saving them for a special occasion, but someone grabbed my
car keys in the glove compartment as a set of
poison blow darts. It's in a black case. If you
(10:56):
open it and it looks like something from a James
Bond movie, you found the right thing. Bring it to me.
Why are you carrying poison blow darts in your glove compartment? Relaxed, Carolina,
I have a permit. I'm not going to allow you
to shoot a poison blow dart at this innocent baby raccoon.
Innocent breaking and entering stalking, harassment in the workplace. It
(11:17):
tried to play footsie with me. Do you think that
sounds innocent? Well, then I'd hate to find out how
you spend your weekends. We're gonna stop for a commercial.
Hopefully we'll have this figured out by the time we're back. Okay,
don't look at its eyes. It will hypnotize you into
thinking it's your friend. Trust me, I've had it happened before.
(11:49):
And we're back on the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Thanks for
sticking with us today. I have a few things to say.
One is the night of August three is one that
I'll regret for the rest of my life. I hit
a raccoon that night, and his son is here to
kill me. Now, Carolina, where you get the damn raccoon
(12:11):
out of the studio. I'm trying, Ron. It's actually jumped
off the chair and it's just curled up in the corner.
You know what I really think if we just called
one of the I Heart guys to drive over here
and they could pick up some supplies and we could
just pick it up and we could release it back
into the wild. And no way, no way, There's not
a damn chance I'm endangering a member of my crew
(12:33):
in here with that wild beast. Well I'm in here,
I know, Carolina, and it breaks my heart. But in
war there are sometimes casualties. Now, did you learn any
self defense moves in your last Zoomba class. It's just
a raccoon. I don't have to use self defense. Okay,
I have a new plan. I'm going to ask that
(12:53):
you edit this part out of the podcast. But are
you familiar with agent orange? That is the toxic chemical
they used in the Vietnam war. Okay, good, so you
know it. I happen to have a very small supply
in my tool shed. We don't need much, but let's
bring some back here and just toss it into the studio.
That's illegal. That's illegal, so we can't do it right.
(13:15):
Let's let's edit this part out of the podcast. Keep
it on the low low. That way, nobody ever has
to know this raccoon or his father, or what I
did on the night of August I thought it was August.
To be honest, August eight wasn't my best night either.
Oh wait, look, the raccoon is sleeping. It looks like
(13:38):
it's sucking its thumb or maybe it misses its mommy.
Well I didn't touch its mommy. And no, it's not sleeping, Carolina.
It's playing dead. It wants you to think it's sleeping
before it attacks your face and scratches your eyeballs out.
It wants to send a message to me. Thank God,
it's going to use you first. I don't think the
(13:58):
raccoons that cannot eving or even thinking that far in advance. Okay,
listen to me. You need to get in that raccoon's head.
It's playing dead. Carolina, lay down on the floor and
you play dead too. I'm not laying down before. It's
our only option unless you want to use the poison
darts in my glove compartment. But again, I'd really like
(14:19):
to save those if I can know poison darts. Okay, fine,
I'm going to lay down on the floor. And this
is really stupid. This is really stupid. But if it's
a choice between this and the James Bond darts, I'll
choose the floor. It is the choice. Okay, this is
really stupid. This is so stupid. But fine, I'm gonna
(14:40):
lay down the floor. Are you laying down? Yes? Okay,
what about now? Still nothing and I'm on the floor.
This raccoon is a smart little son of a gun. Okay, wait,
hold on, something's happening. What what what's happening? Is it?
Is it spraying urine as a defense? No, it's not, okay,
(15:02):
because I am run. Come on, If this raccoon wants
to get into a literally a kissing contest with ron Burgnity,
it's it's gonna lose. You're going to the bathroom in
the corner. I am I'm marking my territory. That's all
I'm doing. Just hold it. Okay, Okay, it's getting up.
(15:22):
I can see him moving. Okay, run, don't freak out.
But it's making its way to your gym bag. Go
to commercial. Go to commercial right now. People should not
hear this. Run just look at it. I'm not going
I can't just make eyes. We don't want to look
at it. Okay, we are back. Just to update everyone
(15:51):
on the situation. There's a raccoon in the studio. I'm
refusing to look at it because I don't want to
make eye contact. It's currently, according to Carolina run edging
through my gym bag. Carolina has taken refuge on the
floor and is doing absolutely nothing to help. You told
me to get down the floor. I this wasn't my decision.
(16:11):
Do you have eyes on the beast, and remember, do
not make eye contact. It's just kind of going for
your stuff. It looks like it's trying some stuff on. Okay, Well,
there's a gun in there, but it's not loaded. Damn,
that's my fault. I'm just going to call that a
blessing in disguise. I am sorry everyone. This is one
of the worst things to happen in a long time.
(16:34):
I can't think of a tougher situation in recent times
than what's happening right now. Ron. Don't say that that's
not the case, Carolina. I just I just thought of something. Move,
move your head around. Maybe we'll think your hair is
another raccoon, and it will try and mate with you,
mate with the back of your head. And then as
(16:55):
soon as it's on your head, just run out of
the room and dunk your head straight into the toilet. No, no,
hold on. It looks like it's eyeing the door. It's
going to leave the room. Oh that's good, Oh my god,
this is so cute. It's call one of your ties
in its mouth. What it has one of your highs
from your bag and its mouth. It looks like it's
(17:16):
ready to scamper out of here. What color is the tie?
It's red, Carolina. Listen to me. Do not let that
raccoon leave the studio with that tie. That's a sixteen
hundred dollar tie. What do you want me to do?
Try and grab it from the raccoon. Yes, yes, I
do get the tie, Carolina, reach it. I think it's
walking away with the tyrone. Well, that's theft. I don't
(17:39):
know if it's a felony, but with the breaking and entering,
we will definitely be filing a police report. And if
I have to get this raccoon in civil cord, I
will get him in the tiniest, cutest raccoon handcuffs. Oh look, look, run, Yeah,
the raccoon has left the studio. Okay, are you sure
I'm positive there's no longer a raccoon in the studio.
(18:02):
It's safe to look. Okay, CAROLINEA listened to me. I
have texted Julius, the parking attendant, to deliver my blow
darts to me, okay, if that was necessary. And I'm
just warning you if I see anything that looks like
a raccoon come back in here. I'm gonna have to
use them, and you know me, I'm i act on
my impults. Okay, just open your eyes. I'm going to
(18:24):
get up and wave my hands around and you'll know
definitely I'm not a raccoon. Okay, I will open my eyes,
and even though I know it's just you and I
in this room together, you really need to wave your
arms to let me know that you're not the raccoon. Okay,
Because this is very high stress situation, I would hate
(18:46):
to know what my level of cortisol is right now? Sure,
that's normal. I guess Okay, I'm gonna open my eyes.
It's fine. Everything is safe, and I'm opening my eyes
and okay, you're right. The raccoon is no longer in
the studio. Sorry about that, folks. We had a little
technical difficulty. I wouldn't count this as technical difficulties, but yeah,
(19:10):
as we said, there was a raccoon in the studio.
I think you overreacted a little bit. I didn't have
to be like that. I just the guilt, you know,
has gotten to me over the years, and and I
do want to apologize for urinating over there in the corner.
My my apologies for whoever has to clean that up.
(19:31):
And since there is no other staff here that probably
I'm not going to do it has to be that's disgusting. Okay,
So I'm here, you're here. Yes, what do we have
on the show today? So glad I came in today.
Instead of us doing this over Zoom, I would have
(19:51):
loved today over Zoom. Actually, do you remember the kids
show Zoom on public television? Yes, that's it. One of
those kids who were the Zoom Gang. Do they get
a little you know, cashish. Every time someone organizes a
Zoom meeting, I can't imagine they do. I hope they do,
(20:13):
because those kids were mesmerizing. They were great every one time.
They all hate salting crackers, and they tried to whistle.
It's impossible. It's impossible. Tried it at home. Well, let's
get back to our show. Yes, so we're today. We
are interviewing Bruno Mars. No, he had a very tight window,
(20:34):
and yet again we were dealing with a situation in
the studio. So I don't know. I call his manager.
We can try and get him back at a time. Yeah, right,
like that's gonna happen. He's too busy, man. I had
really great questions ready for Bruno Mars. Look at this one.
I wrote, um, want to come to a fond due orgy? No, No,
(20:57):
not that question. There were more questions. I I wasn't
just going to ask him that the only one. Yeah,
how about it. Thank you to me for dealing with
the raccoon in the studio while you shut your eyes
the whole time. Thank you, Carolina. You you handled that
like a real pro. How did the raccoon get in
the studio in the first place, they opened up a
(21:18):
virtual Instagram petting zoo downstairs. I think it may have
climbed up from there. What what is a virtual Instagram
petting zoo? I guess during COVID you can't really go
to a petting zoo, so they just post pictures of
the animals on Instagram and if you hit the like button,
that's like petting the animals. It's so sad. That sounds
really unfulfilling. Yeah, really depressing. That's supposed to be a
(21:41):
substitute for a petting zoo. I don't know they're making
like fifty k a sponsored post though. Good to know. Well, Caroline,
I just want to be upfront with you. I always
had a small stash of poison darts on my person. Okay,
I have a special panel sewn into each in every
(22:03):
suit jacket, so you always have the mind. I always
keep them on me, and I just have to be
careful not to prick myself. No kidding. That sounds so dangerous.
Bye bye baby. Yeah, hospital time, hospital time, which is
what I'll do to you if you're getting near my
trunk trunk of my car. Not you're not my caboose,
but seriously, if you try to put an ant on
(22:24):
my caboose, it's hospital time. Also, unless you're a beautiful woman.
But if I try to put my hand on your caboose,
HD hospital time. Yes, I'm really sorry, but that's all
the time we have for the Run Burgundy podcast this week.
You want to thank you all of our wonderful listeners.
(22:46):
Are army of listeners out there. Oh God, it's back.
It's okay, it's back. It's okay. I got this one.
Don't take those out, I got it. Put them away.
Stay still wreck Coon, stay still elf. Oh no, Carolina,
Oh that's okay. I have an antidote on me as well. Nope,
(23:10):
I don't. Oh lord, we only have forty five seconds
to get you to a hospital. The hospital sign
Ron. Welcome to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. My name is
Ron Burgundy. Last time I checked in the phone book,
and here I am with some other people. You're it's
just me. You're here with me Carolina? And is it
(00:21):
Carolina or Carolina? How do you pronounce that? Um, it's Carolina.
It's so funny. You just have one of those faces
where someone can know you for years and forget everything
about you in one second. And I mean that as
a compliment. It's it's very poetic. Actually, I think that's rude.
I think that's very rude. All Right, you know what.
(00:41):
I was gonna wait till later to bring this up,
But Caroline, I just need to tell you this. I
have a piece of dried being like a like a
pento being. Skin on your tooth must be your from
your breakfast burrito. I wish you had brought it up earlier.
Act Is that is that rude? Should I not have told? No?
I just why, I don't know. I just tell me
(01:02):
on air. But one second, just let me get it. Okay,
it's fine. Just let's move on. Oh you did not
get its, sister. It moved into the house next door.
It looks like someone knocked your other tooth out? Are
you embarrassing about the bean on your tooth? I'm we
have a little bit of a situation today. I mean
(01:22):
there's nobody in the studio due to social distancing. Yes,
social distancing is key, but the social distancing guidelines have
put a real damper on my parties for like a year.
Well it's almost over, and can I be frank with you,
My last Fondu night slash neighborhood orgy sucked. I could
(01:42):
only invite one person and I was torn between Patrick
Dempsey and Bodic Interesting, but neither of them answered their pages.
So I ended up just having November's Playmate of the
Month come over and we ate a bowl of melted
lukewarm fon du cheese and made love silently. I think
I coughed. It was awkward because there are usually sixty
(02:05):
other people in the room. But that's that's social distancing
for you. Oh great, big brother, wish he'd social distance
a little bit. You know what I mean? Is that
what's making the sounds, big brother? In the microphones? I mean,
every everyone knows that. You know, when they've tapped your phones,
(02:26):
there's that clicking sound, right. I don't think that's big brother.
I actually don't know what that sound is. One second, Carolina,
don't play footsie with me. That's inappropriate, boss. But furthermore,
I'm also out of your league, much more attractive than you.
I didn't try to play footsie with you. Wait, I
think is there something under the desk? What in God's
(02:47):
name is it? Oh my god? Okay, what Carolina, Carolina?
What is it? Okay, it's um it's a raccoon. Oh,
oh my god. I knew this day would come. I
knew this day would come. You did. Wait, I don't
(03:08):
know how it got in here. You know why. It
must have crawled through that hole you kicked in the wall.
Is it Is it still in there? Yes, it's still
in here. Run. There's actually nothing to be afraid of.
We can take care of this. Get it the hell
out of the studio. Does anyone have a tranquilizer God? No,
Why would anyone bring a tranquilizer gun to the studio? Well,
(03:31):
for one, because it's in my contract. I'll be talking
to my lawyer about that. Wait, I'm so sorry. What's
in your contract? Ever since we had that be in
the studio, I explicitly made sure that there was language
that there will always be at least six tranquilizer guns
on the premises of a Ron Burgundy appearance at all
times for safety. Yes, this is for the safety of
(03:54):
the crew and also for my own protection. Oh my god, Okay, okay,
there's no train wiser guns on. I guarantee you this
raccoon is more scared of you than you are of it.
And I'm looking at it. Oh my god. It looks
a little confused, but it's not threaten an. You are
so naive, Carolina, it makes me sick. That's exactly what
(04:17):
the raccoon wants you to think. It's luring you into
a false sense of security. Don't don't look at its eyes.
It's trying to form a bond with you, and that's
when it will attack. Ron. It's literally just sitting here
in the chair, the one you usually sit, and actually
it's it's kind of cute. I'm sorry. Are you comparing
me to raccoon, Carolina? No, that is disrespectful. I am
(04:41):
nothing like a raccoon. They are untrustworthy creatures and that's
why they're always wearing bandit masks stealing trash. Have you
ever seen me wear a bandit mask. No, because I'm
a man, not a raccoon. And if I were an animal,
I I'd be a hawk, no heart hawk, but with
(05:01):
the beautiful teeth of a beaver, and with the memory
of an elephant, and the hair of a bison, and
certainly have a nice ass too. So whatever animal that
is you fill in the blank. I guess you know.
I wasn't implying that you were a raccoon. I have
seen you eat leftover birthday cake straight from the trash. Okay,
(05:21):
never mind that. Never seen you eat coffee cake from
the trash. I've seen you eat cold cuts from the trash. Okay, okay, okay, okay,
we're not going to talk about that. It's not important
right now. So what are we dealing with here? Can
you get a good look at its genitalia? I'm not
seeing it's genitalia. I haven't looked at a raccoon's genitalia before,
(05:43):
so I don't even know. Just remember it's front paws
are extremely dextrous. Carolina. Are you wearing perfume? No? No,
I'm not wearing perfume, of course not. Do you have
any you can put on? I have some at home.
I don't have any with me. I don't know why. Okay,
forget it, forget it, forget it. I was just hoping
(06:04):
that cheap mall perfume you wear would help cover the
smell of fear in the room. I think it's it's
called something like retired show girl. No. First of all,
my perfume is not cheap. Okay, don't tell me you're
paying a lot of money for that stuff. Wow, you're
getting ripped off. It smells like glass cleaner and old tangerine. Okay. Secondly,
(06:25):
I'm not scared of the raccoon. If it smells any fear,
it's coming from you. I'm sorry to say that, but
you No one has a tranquilizer. God, no one, no
one's here. I run. This is absolutely insane to me.
What what about a taser cattle prod? Did you bring
a cattle prod? No? Does one of the nerds in
(06:46):
this office have one of those really expensive Star Wars lightsabers?
Oh my god, it just moved. Look look it's it
thinks it's so cool. I hate how cocky he is.
You know what, Ron, Honestly, I think just a waiting game. Okay,
I'll order some food and I'm pretty sure we can
just lure it out of here with I don't know,
(07:07):
a lunch order or something. So let me get this straight.
Your plan to deal with that ferocious beast whose genital
you you can't even identify is to buy it one
of your chopped salads or ordering a damn rack a lamp.
It's an omnivore, you idiots. Do you want me to
put a call into Dan Tannis? If you're that scared,
just stay where you are and don't move. Listen to me, Carolina,
(07:31):
the raccoon coming in here, it's no accident. It came
in here for a reason, a very specific reason. It
came here for revenge. You'll have to explain. I'm I'm
not following. Did I ever tell you about my hit
and run? It was three I was driving down Pch
(07:51):
towards Malibu, listening to John Denver after a bad break
up Rocky Mountain. Huh, you know the drill. Anyway, I
was eating a burger and smoking a lucy cigarette and
I must have gotten distracted. Why don't we do this
story off the air and then splat a raccoon across
my windshield? Jesus Christ, Okay, I get out. I cry
(08:13):
for a good thirty minutes, say a prayer, and give
it a proper burial. I mean, that's actually really kind
of you. I wouldn't think that was necessary. And as
I lay him to rest, I heard something else. That's
when over my shoulder I saw a baby raccoon waiting
in the brush, staring at me with one tear running down.
(08:35):
It's cute, little I'm trying to finish the story. Stopped scuttling.
I'm talking about you anyway. I just knew it was
his son, and he looked at me, and I knew
what he was saying. What was he saying? I'll remember you,
Ron got okay, you got that from him? Yes, I'm
(09:00):
so sorry you went through that. I don't think that
it's related. Okay, Well, you don't sound like you're taking
this seriously. What what is that? What? Wit? Wait? What
does that sound? Did it puncture you, Carolina in the neck? No,
I'm sorry, I'm fine. It's just grabbing at the microphone.
Do not give that raccoon a podcast? What. I swear
(09:21):
to God, if we start letting animals host podcasts, the
press and animal rights groups will be all over us.
I'm not going to give the raccoon a podcast. I
don't even think there's anyone who would listen to it.
I don't think a raccoon could manage a podcast. I
don't know. I mean, there's people on YouTube that do
this thing called uss are where they scratch things and
(09:43):
make sounds with their mouths, and the videos are very popular.
Millions of people watch them. Um, that's a s MR.
I'm not sure how scientific it is, but I do
know that it's very popular. Can we try doing a
s MR on the raccoon to lull it into a
slumber so it can be safely moved for the room? Um?
I don't. I don't know if that will help at all.
(10:04):
So you're just sitting there doing nothing, Carolina, Tap your
fingers on the mic and see if it calms the raccoon. Obviously,
don't use the same mic the raccoon is holding it.
It will bite your fingers off. I'm not going to
use a s MR. Okay to try and get this
raccoon out of here. I'm not just do it, Carolina.
You know what, fine, fine scratch scratch, scratch, scratch scratch.
(10:33):
Sh Is it working? No? In fact, I think it's
actually bothering the raccoon that we're making these weird sounds. Okay,
I did not want to do this because I was
saving them for a special occasion, but someone grabbed my
car keys in the glove compartment as a set of
poison blow darts. It's in a black case. If you
(10:56):
open it and it looks like something from a James
Bond movie, you found the right thing. Bring it to me.
Why are you carrying poison blow darts in your glove compartment? Relaxed, Carolina,
I have a permit. I'm not going to allow you
to shoot a poison blow dart at this innocent baby raccoon.
Innocent breaking and entering stalking, harassment in the workplace. It
(11:17):
tried to play footsie with me. Do you think that
sounds innocent? Well, then I'd hate to find out how
you spend your weekends. We're gonna stop for a commercial.
Hopefully we'll have this figured out by the time we're back. Okay,
don't look at its eyes. It will hypnotize you into
thinking it's your friend. Trust me, I've had it happened before.
(11:49):
And we're back on the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Thanks for
sticking with us today. I have a few things to say.
One is the night of August three is one that
I'll regret for the rest of my life. I hit
a raccoon that night, and his son is here to
kill me. Now, Carolina, where you get the damn raccoon
(12:11):
out of the studio. I'm trying, Ron. It's actually jumped
off the chair and it's just curled up in the corner.
You know what I really think if we just called
one of the I Heart guys to drive over here
and they could pick up some supplies and we could
just pick it up and we could release it back
into the wild. And no way, no way, There's not
a damn chance I'm endangering a member of my crew
(12:33):
in here with that wild beast. Well I'm in here,
I know, Carolina, and it breaks my heart. But in
war there are sometimes casualties. Now, did you learn any
self defense moves in your last Zoomba class. It's just
a raccoon. I don't have to use self defense. Okay,
I have a new plan. I'm going to ask that
(12:53):
you edit this part out of the podcast. But are
you familiar with agent orange? That is the toxic chemical
they used in the Vietnam war. Okay, good, so you
know it. I happen to have a very small supply
in my tool shed. We don't need much, but let's
bring some back here and just toss it into the studio.
That's illegal. That's illegal, so we can't do it right.
(13:15):
Let's let's edit this part out of the podcast. Keep
it on the low low. That way, nobody ever has
to know this raccoon or his father, or what I
did on the night of August I thought it was August.
To be honest, August eight wasn't my best night either.
Oh wait, look, the raccoon is sleeping. It looks like
(13:38):
it's sucking its thumb or maybe it misses its mommy.
Well I didn't touch its mommy. And no, it's not sleeping, Carolina.
It's playing dead. It wants you to think it's sleeping
before it attacks your face and scratches your eyeballs out.
It wants to send a message to me. Thank God,
it's going to use you first. I don't think the
(13:58):
raccoons that cannot eving or even thinking that far in advance. Okay,
listen to me. You need to get in that raccoon's head.
It's playing dead. Carolina, lay down on the floor and
you play dead too. I'm not laying down before. It's
our only option unless you want to use the poison
darts in my glove compartment. But again, I'd really like
(14:19):
to save those if I can know poison darts. Okay, fine,
I'm going to lay down on the floor. And this
is really stupid. This is really stupid. But if it's
a choice between this and the James Bond darts, I'll
choose the floor. It is the choice. Okay, this is
really stupid. This is so stupid. But fine, I'm gonna
(14:40):
lay down the floor. Are you laying down? Yes? Okay,
what about now? Still nothing and I'm on the floor.
This raccoon is a smart little son of a gun. Okay, wait,
hold on, something's happening. What what what's happening? Is it?
Is it spraying urine as a defense? No, it's not, okay,
(15:02):
because I am run. Come on, If this raccoon wants
to get into a literally a kissing contest with ron Burgnity,
it's it's gonna lose. You're going to the bathroom in
the corner. I am I'm marking my territory. That's all
I'm doing. Just hold it. Okay, Okay, it's getting up.
(15:22):
I can see him moving. Okay, run, don't freak out.
But it's making its way to your gym bag. Go
to commercial. Go to commercial right now. People should not
hear this. Run just look at it. I'm not going
I can't just make eyes. We don't want to look
at it. Okay, we are back. Just to update everyone
(15:51):
on the situation. There's a raccoon in the studio. I'm
refusing to look at it because I don't want to
make eye contact. It's currently, according to Carolina run edging
through my gym bag. Carolina has taken refuge on the
floor and is doing absolutely nothing to help. You told
me to get down the floor. I this wasn't my decision.
(16:11):
Do you have eyes on the beast, and remember, do
not make eye contact. It's just kind of going for
your stuff. It looks like it's trying some stuff on. Okay, Well,
there's a gun in there, but it's not loaded. Damn,
that's my fault. I'm just going to call that a
blessing in disguise. I am sorry everyone. This is one
of the worst things to happen in a long time.
(16:34):
I can't think of a tougher situation in recent times
than what's happening right now. Ron. Don't say that that's
not the case, Carolina. I just I just thought of something. Move,
move your head around. Maybe we'll think your hair is
another raccoon, and it will try and mate with you,
mate with the back of your head. And then as
(16:55):
soon as it's on your head, just run out of
the room and dunk your head straight into the toilet. No, no,
hold on. It looks like it's eyeing the door. It's
going to leave the room. Oh that's good, Oh my god,
this is so cute. It's call one of your ties
in its mouth. What it has one of your highs
from your bag and its mouth. It looks like it's
(17:16):
ready to scamper out of here. What color is the tie?
It's red, Carolina. Listen to me. Do not let that
raccoon leave the studio with that tie. That's a sixteen
hundred dollar tie. What do you want me to do?
Try and grab it from the raccoon. Yes, yes, I
do get the tie, Carolina, reach it. I think it's
walking away with the tyrone. Well, that's theft. I don't
(17:39):
know if it's a felony, but with the breaking and entering,
we will definitely be filing a police report. And if
I have to get this raccoon in civil cord, I
will get him in the tiniest, cutest raccoon handcuffs. Oh look, look, run, Yeah,
the raccoon has left the studio. Okay, are you sure
I'm positive there's no longer a raccoon in the studio.
(18:02):
It's safe to look. Okay, CAROLINEA listened to me. I
have texted Julius, the parking attendant, to deliver my blow
darts to me, okay, if that was necessary. And I'm
just warning you if I see anything that looks like
a raccoon come back in here. I'm gonna have to
use them, and you know me, I'm i act on
my impults. Okay, just open your eyes. I'm going to
(18:24):
get up and wave my hands around and you'll know
definitely I'm not a raccoon. Okay, I will open my eyes,
and even though I know it's just you and I
in this room together, you really need to wave your
arms to let me know that you're not the raccoon. Okay,
Because this is very high stress situation, I would hate
(18:46):
to know what my level of cortisol is right now? Sure,
that's normal. I guess Okay, I'm gonna open my eyes.
It's fine. Everything is safe, and I'm opening my eyes
and okay, you're right. The raccoon is no longer in
the studio. Sorry about that, folks. We had a little
technical difficulty. I wouldn't count this as technical difficulties, but yeah,
(19:10):
as we said, there was a raccoon in the studio.
I think you overreacted a little bit. I didn't have
to be like that. I just the guilt, you know,
has gotten to me over the years, and and I
do want to apologize for urinating over there in the corner.
My my apologies for whoever has to clean that up.
(19:31):
And since there is no other staff here that probably
I'm not going to do it has to be that's disgusting. Okay,
So I'm here, you're here. Yes, what do we have
on the show today? So glad I came in today.
Instead of us doing this over Zoom, I would have
(19:51):
loved today over Zoom. Actually, do you remember the kids
show Zoom on public television? Yes, that's it. One of
those kids who were the Zoom Gang. Do they get
a little you know, cashish. Every time someone organizes a
Zoom meeting, I can't imagine they do. I hope they do,
(20:13):
because those kids were mesmerizing. They were great every one time.
They all hate salting crackers, and they tried to whistle.
It's impossible. It's impossible. Tried it at home. Well, let's
get back to our show. Yes, so we're today. We
are interviewing Bruno Mars. No, he had a very tight window,
(20:34):
and yet again we were dealing with a situation in
the studio. So I don't know. I call his manager.
We can try and get him back at a time. Yeah, right,
like that's gonna happen. He's too busy, man. I had
really great questions ready for Bruno Mars. Look at this one.
I wrote, um, want to come to a fond due orgy? No, No,
(20:57):
not that question. There were more questions. I I wasn't
just going to ask him that the only one. Yeah,
how about it. Thank you to me for dealing with
the raccoon in the studio while you shut your eyes
the whole time. Thank you, Carolina. You you handled that
like a real pro. How did the raccoon get in
the studio in the first place, they opened up a
(21:18):
virtual Instagram petting zoo downstairs. I think it may have
climbed up from there. What what is a virtual Instagram
petting zoo? I guess during COVID you can't really go
to a petting zoo, so they just post pictures of
the animals on Instagram and if you hit the like button,
that's like petting the animals. It's so sad. That sounds
really unfulfilling. Yeah, really depressing. That's supposed to be a
(21:41):
substitute for a petting zoo. I don't know they're making
like fifty k a sponsored post though. Good to know. Well, Caroline,
I just want to be upfront with you. I always
had a small stash of poison darts on my person. Okay,
I have a special panel sewn into each in every
(22:03):
suit jacket, so you always have the mind. I always
keep them on me, and I just have to be
careful not to prick myself. No kidding. That sounds so dangerous.
Bye bye baby. Yeah, hospital time, hospital time, which is
what I'll do to you if you're getting near my
trunk trunk of my car. Not you're not my caboose,
but seriously, if you try to put an ant on
(22:24):
my caboose, it's hospital time. Also, unless you're a beautiful woman.
But if I try to put my hand on your caboose,
HD hospital time. Yes, I'm really sorry, but that's all
the time we have for the Run Burgundy podcast this week.
You want to thank you all of our wonderful listeners.
(22:46):
Are army of listeners out there. Oh God, it's back.
It's okay, it's back. It's okay. I got this one.
Don't take those out, I got it. Put them away.
Stay still wreck Coon, stay still elf. Oh no, Carolina,
Oh that's okay. I have an antidote on me as well. Nope,
(23:10):
I don't. Oh lord, we only have forty five seconds
to get you to a hospital. The hospital sign
Host
Will Ferrell
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