February 19, 2025 • 15 mins
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Guys, how about for the Tangent today because I just
have a big stack of them. How about we do
a bonus morality Monday? You want to Yeah, okay, good
hit the intro. It's the Tangent giving you all this
shit we couldn't talk about on the air.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
So somebody texted us earlier when we did it, and
I said very clearly that I'm getting these from Reddit,
among other places, Korra Reddit, and someone's like, uh, this
is from Reddit and everybody knows it, and I'm like, yeah,
because I fucking said that. Actually, Like I said that,
I am so paranoid about getting dinged for like stealing
content that I don't listen to other radio shows. I
barely watch stand up comedy. I like overstate when I
(00:38):
see something on the Internet or TikTok, because the last
thing I ever want is for someone to be like,
you stole that. Like apparently I have the same thought
as Nate Brigatesey, that comedian about DoorDash drivers, and I
got like four messages going, you know, he told the
same joke. I'm like, no shit, no shit. So somebody
one time ordered two things from door Dash and the
driver showed up at the same time, and they felt
(00:59):
a bit or it's like impossible. But no, I really
had never heard him say that before. But do you
ever worry about that? Do you ever worry that? Like
every day you have an idea, but you maybe like
subconsciously you got it from somebody else or somewhere else.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
No, because I worry about.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
That, I probably have the opposite of thinking that I
am the creator and originator of every thought that has
come into my mind.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Oh well there's that too, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
I think that everything that I do is original, and
then when I see somebody else doing it, I'm like, oh,
they copy me. In reality, they'd probably just been doing
it longer.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Well that could be, But you know, I think it's
all about it. It's about the swag. If you just
own it, then it's like whatever. But I mean it's
our job, right, Like I feel like we are programmed.
You do this job for a little while and you
become programmed to look at life differently. Like everything I'm
doing every day, I'm looking at it almost like like
a out of body because it's a way of like
where's the content, Yeah, Like where's the thing to bring
(01:51):
into the show, or like all the reading that we
do or all the content viewing that we do to
try and come up with the stuff to talk about
on the air, and it's like, I don't We're half
of I got half of this ship, and I got it.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Anyway.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
This is from Quora, which is like Reddit. I guess,
but I think you asked questions only on Korra. I
don't really know the difference exactly, but anyway, that's right,
I got this. So here's the little situation. All right,
I cheated only one time years ago, and my husband
forgave me. Now I've found out that he's been having
an affair for the past three years and doesn't want
(02:25):
to leave her. We've been married for fifteen years. What
do I do? Okay, So this comes back to that
whole classic eye for an eye thing with cheating, you know,
like if you cheat on me and I forgive you,
and then I cheat down the road. This is a
little more elaborate, a little more evolved than that, because
we're talking about a full on different relationship. But then
(02:45):
if I cheat, can you still be mad at me?
Is the real question? So if so, Kiki, I cheated
on you five years ago, I told you you forgave me.
Yesterday you cheated on me, yes, and it's like, well,
I'm sorry I did that. I won't do it again,
but remember that one time that you did it to
me and I forgave you. So you're supposed to forgive me. See,
(03:06):
but for me, if I cheat on you and you
forgive me, truly forgave me, then you don't get a
freebie like I fucked up and you forgave me. So
that doesn't mean that you can then pull that out
later and be like, oh, this bad thing I just did.
Remember that time you cheated on me, because otherwise, what's
the point of forgiving people? You know, if you're taking
an inventory of all the bad things I've done just
(03:28):
to use them against me when you do something bad,
well that's not very healthy.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Yeah, it's not very healthy. But you started the theme
of this relationship with cheating, like you started it.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
You know what I'm saying, Well, then what's the point
of forgiving me?
Speaker 3 (03:40):
I love you, I want to be with you.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Obviously you don't because you just because yesterday you just fucked.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
Somebody else, right and then so that fucked them, So
now you forgive me and we even see I don't know.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
I don't see it that do you guys see it
that way?
Speaker 1 (03:52):
No?
Speaker 2 (03:53):
Not at all.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
No, if you forgive somebody for something you don't just
get like a you don't get a freebie.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
What you don't get a freebie? You can't. That's why
I got hippy. Oh says you don't forgive. But that's
just my own take.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
Okay, Well then, okay, So I don't want to use
real examples. But if someone cheated on you, I don't
have an example. I well, this whole thing is fake. Fine, well,
I just don't like to use like real people about it.
Like if Hovey cheated, I don't want to I want
to say that.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
Well, okay, I don't.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
I don't want your husband to cheat on you. I
don't even want to put that out there. Okay, So okay, fine,
So Hovey cheats on you and he comes, he says, Paulina,
I cheated on you. What do you after you cut
his dick off? Then what's the next step after that? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (04:34):
I would probably like, you know, cry and do all
that you know, crazy shit.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
That I would do. But honestly, I would not stay
with this person.
Speaker 4 (04:41):
I wouldn't stay with my husband, and this is a husband,
like I'm married, Like we got like stuff that would
have to figure out, like big girl stuff, you know.
So I didn't a child, But I can't stay with
that person because I can't look you in the eye
anymore and and live my life acting like it didn't happen,
even if I apologize, even if we go to therapy,
it's not for me. But you guys know that I
don't like shit go so like it's really hard for me.
It's also a me issue.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Okay, So well then it doesn't I guess it wouldn't
matter because you're not forgiving him anyway. But let's say
you did forgive somebody. Let's say it's a lesser offense.
Something happened and you're mad about it, and you forgave them.
I don't know, let's say they Let's make it really simple.
They said they were going to be somewhere and they
and they were late, an hour late or forty five
(05:22):
minutes late. They really inconvenienced you, and they were like,
I'm really sorry that I did that to you. And
then a year or so later, you show up forty
five minutes late and you're like, I'm sorry, but you
did do that to me a year ago. So you
know that's like it doesn't work that way, right, Like,
you don't get to do that. You make a mistake,
we move forward. You don't get to any inventory the
(05:43):
mistake and then bring it up later when you make
the same mistake. Because because we decided together mutually, were
that okay, I'm forgiving you were moving on. Yeah, because
imagine in relationships, and I know this does happen, but
because and I don't mean to make it a male
female thing, but my god, do women have the most
incredible memory for all the times I've fucked up. But
it's like, you can't just dig shit up from the
(06:06):
past whenever it's convenient for you, because then we're not
really moving forward. We're not really forgiving.
Speaker 4 (06:10):
No, I don't believe in the convenient part, Like like
you're saying, But if you using that example of like
meeting late, right, we're going somewhere whatever, I'm an hour late,
and then I do that to you a year later,
I would only literally bring that up and be like,
you did the shit to me a year ago two,
So don't nack brand new. Only if you try to
like use it against me or like do this whole
I'm mad skit with me. Does that make sense because
(06:31):
I feel like, like, no, but you did it too,
And like, I think that's my biggest thing in life
and my biggest problem is that people do shit to
me all the time and then like the minute that
I do it, I'm a bad guy. I'm this horrible person,
and I'm like, you fucking do this all the time.
Though everybody, friends, husband, family, everybody, it's it's frustrating.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Well, here's another like sort of a spinoff question from
that scenario about cheating. If you cheat on somebody one
time and I think, I mean I've actually never cheated.
I think I've been Oh, I know I've been cheated on,
but I've never cheated. But I do know about people
who have cheated, and they really like they regret it,
(07:11):
they wish they hadn't done it. It's not, in fact
an intent, there's no intent to do it again, because look,
habitual cheaters. What habitual cheaters are saying is they don't
give a shit about anybody else. I mean, it's bored.
I don't know that it's full narcissism. But like if
you consistently cheat on someone over and over again. What
you're saying is, I don't give a fuck about my
(07:31):
needs come first before anybody all the time. But I
do believe there is a world where you can make
one mistake, where you can be drunk, or you could
be vulnerable, or you could be in an argument or
a fight and just screw up.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
Right.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
I do believe that is possible. There are people out
there that believe that if you cheat one time, then
you're a cheater, and then it's unforgivable, and that it's
a character flaw and it's who you are. I'm not
sure if I necessarily believe that, because I do know
people who have cheated and it like it's one of
the worst things they've ever done. They'll tell you that.
They will tell you I wish I had never done that.
It was a terrible mistake. Right. But where I'm going
with this is if you're that person and you're self
(08:06):
aware enough to know, I was at a conference and
I had too much to drink, and I bang this
chick and I'm never going to see her again, and
I'm such an idiot, and I wish I'd never done it.
The question I'm getting at is do you tell the
person who you're with that you did that? My argument
is that you don't get to tell the person that
(08:27):
you fucked up one time. You get to live with
that because if you, I think, when you tell someone
you did something bad, there's a component of it that's
you getting it off your chest and you releasing yourself
of that of that burden. Right because now I told
you it's not a secret. You know, you can get mad,
you can get upset, but then we move past it,
and now I don't have to It doesn't weigh on
(08:48):
me anymore as much because well, I told you it's
not a secret, but you've also now just put that
on someone else. And for some people, cheating is the
highest level of betrayal, of betrayal, thank you, that was
the word I was looking for. So now and now
you may have just you may have just altered the
course of their life, like you may have just changed
(09:09):
their viewpoint on relationships and trust and everything else. So
my thing is, if you fuck up one time, and
it's really one time, I think you get to live
with that. Huh uh, you don't think.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
So, Listen, it's two ways, it's multiple ways to die.
So either you don't tell me now and I'm gonna
find out later that's gonna really mess this whole thing up,
or you come clean and give me the choice to
either stay with you and work it through or go
on with my life because you made a mistake that
may not be forgivable to me. But just keeping it
(09:38):
to yourself that's very dangerous because it's gonna, I mean,
things just come out, whether you you you know, whatever
happens in the dark comes to light, So you you
risked the fact of me finding out somehow, and then
that's even worse for you. I think you should always
be open, honest, give your partner the choice if they
want to work through it or not, or if they
want to go on with their life, because this is
the mistake that you made, the decision that you made, so.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
I get it.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
But like if I I mean, have ever any of
you been cheated on before?
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (10:07):
No?
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Would you say that those of you who have and
in my case I have, would you say that it
is something that I would say it's it's something almost
never leaves you, especially if you really cared about the person.
So again, if it's a one time screw up, you're
really willing to sort of change my DNA.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
I don't mean to be dramatic.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
I don't mean to be dramatic, but like, there are
some things that people do to you that never leave
you when you love them and they betray you. Whether
it's that way or a bunch of other ways, it's
it's a it's a scar, it's a mark within and
I can I have to live with it, but you
don't have to.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
Now.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Again, this does require a tremendous amount of self awareness
because I also know that the habitual cheaters can convince
themselves that what they did was justified, and that each
time they do it that it was justified too, because
well they're a victim or or they you know, or
they're in whatever. Most people I know who have cheated
more than once are the kind of person that can
(11:03):
justify doing really shitty things to people as well. That's
just what I had to do, you know what I mean.
So it requires a lot of self awareness. You really
got to be the person who screwed up, because if
you're the person does this over and over again, then
you you may as well tell him because you're an asshole,
you know, what I mean, But like if you just
if you really just fucked up.
Speaker 3 (11:21):
Yeah, I know you fucked up, but like, what are
you doing?
Speaker 1 (11:25):
But isn't there more in it for me? Isn't there
more in it for me? You guys, for me to
get it off my chest, to release it from inside
of me and put it on you?
Speaker 2 (11:34):
Doesn't that benefit me more than you?
Speaker 5 (11:36):
Because now you gotta worry about am I gonna walk?
How long am I gonna punish you? Am I staying?
Am I leaving? How bad did you hurt me?
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Like?
Speaker 5 (11:43):
You have to live with all that. You made a choice,
and there's consequences.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
But we might get over it.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
And then you remember that I cheated, and I remember
that I came clean, and I forget it, and now
I'm cleansed.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
I'm good because hey, stuck a little.
Speaker 5 (11:54):
Dick in somebody else.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
That's the risk thing you little.
Speaker 5 (12:00):
I always say, But no, I mean, when you did that,
that's all that comes with it, and that's that I
definitely need you to be upfront with me.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Yes, because what the what?
Speaker 5 (12:09):
Yeahkeep you a little dick in your pants?
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (12:13):
Because now I'm just laying next to a liar who's
holding a secret from me for years.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
Yeah, I get that too. I get that too.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
I just again, I guess to reiterate, it's just like
I feel like people who who betray someone and then
come clean. While I understand the logic there, it's like, well,
you deserve to know that I did this and then
act accordingly. I think the part that people don't think
about is that is that there is benefit to me
in doing that, because now I don't have to live
(12:42):
with a secret anymore. But I also now have exposed
you to information that might truly change the way that
you look at all relationships. And I know I'm being
really dramatic, but again, talk to people who have been
systematically cheated on, talk to people who have been betrayed
by family members or loved ones, and that stuff. If
it's deep enough, that stuff never leaves you.
Speaker 5 (13:03):
But that's life.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Yeah I wrote that too, cars.
Speaker 5 (13:05):
I mean, it's it sounds crazy, but yeah, I don't know,
and like I don't know who you cheated with, Like
I don't want to be out here looking goofy, like
someone's like looking at my Instagram like I had your man.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
Like ah oh, And I think that there are I
think there are scenarios where again, if it's at one
off and then you'll never you'll never see the person again,
and like it's never going to come up again. Maybe,
But if I've banged your best friend or something like,
that's the kind of shit that you you now have
that has to be revealed because everybody deserves to know that.
Now you're being doubly betrayed. Oh god, you know, if
(13:35):
it's someone that you're going to run into or someone
that's in your life or whatever, then I think now
the other. But if it's something that I could I
did in Cancun and you'll never know, well.
Speaker 3 (13:44):
If we're in cant coons not on us soil. Yeah,
you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
So the venue is important, I say, it matters. We're okay, glad,
I'm glad it was in Cancun.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Well, another problem solved on yet another episode of The Tangent.
By the way, that was from Quorra Wow. The initial
scenario was from the interwebt it was from the Yeah,
it was from the interwebs.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
You've never cheated. I have never cheated.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
You've never cheated.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
I have never cheated. No, you have you you kind
of did right.
Speaker 5 (14:20):
No, no, no, I haven't cheat. I mean I know
when I was like twelve, maybe I'm not a friend, right,
it's terrible.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
I still feel bad about that.
Speaker 5 (14:29):
And I wasn't even dating for real because you know,
my brain wasn't very But no, no, I couldn't live
with it, and that gil that would be punishment enough
for me that you're talking about I feel guilty about
like walking through this like every door you know, and breathing.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Yeah, I do too, I'm with you.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
Everything makes me feel bad, yeah, no, everything, Yeah, most
things make me feel bad. I'm more self critical of myself.
Of myself I am, that's redundant, but I am more
self critical than anybody could ever be. Like anything that
you think you said where you got me, don't worry.
I've already thought it same. You're late. So like any
(15:05):
shitty thing that you come up with that you can
say about me, I've already considered it, so you know
you can go ahead. But like, it ain't nothing new
to me, don't worry. It's yeah, no exactly. That's a
whole different tangent. But all right, there you go. Listen
to the podcast please of the show on the iHeart app.
Wherever we listen to podcast, search for the Fred' show
and look at that. I think we've done our job
this all month. I think we've done the tangent when
(15:25):
we're supposed to do it. This is amazing, so thank
you for listening.
Guys, how about for the Tangent today because I just
have a big stack of them. How about we do
a bonus morality Monday? You want to Yeah, okay, good
hit the intro. It's the Tangent giving you all this
shit we couldn't talk about on the air.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
So somebody texted us earlier when we did it, and
I said very clearly that I'm getting these from Reddit,
among other places, Korra Reddit, and someone's like, uh, this
is from Reddit and everybody knows it, and I'm like, yeah,
because I fucking said that. Actually, Like I said that,
I am so paranoid about getting dinged for like stealing
content that I don't listen to other radio shows. I
barely watch stand up comedy. I like overstate when I
(00:38):
see something on the Internet or TikTok, because the last
thing I ever want is for someone to be like,
you stole that. Like apparently I have the same thought
as Nate Brigatesey, that comedian about DoorDash drivers, and I
got like four messages going, you know, he told the
same joke. I'm like, no shit, no shit. So somebody
one time ordered two things from door Dash and the
driver showed up at the same time, and they felt
(00:59):
a bit or it's like impossible. But no, I really
had never heard him say that before. But do you
ever worry about that? Do you ever worry that? Like
every day you have an idea, but you maybe like
subconsciously you got it from somebody else or somewhere else.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
No, because I worry about.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
That, I probably have the opposite of thinking that I
am the creator and originator of every thought that has
come into my mind.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Oh well there's that too, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
I think that everything that I do is original, and
then when I see somebody else doing it, I'm like, oh,
they copy me. In reality, they'd probably just been doing
it longer.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Well that could be, But you know, I think it's
all about it. It's about the swag. If you just
own it, then it's like whatever. But I mean it's
our job, right, Like I feel like we are programmed.
You do this job for a little while and you
become programmed to look at life differently. Like everything I'm
doing every day, I'm looking at it almost like like
a out of body because it's a way of like
where's the content, Yeah, Like where's the thing to bring
(01:51):
into the show, or like all the reading that we
do or all the content viewing that we do to
try and come up with the stuff to talk about
on the air, and it's like, I don't We're half
of I got half of this ship, and I got it.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Anyway.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
This is from Quora, which is like Reddit. I guess,
but I think you asked questions only on Korra. I
don't really know the difference exactly, but anyway, that's right,
I got this. So here's the little situation. All right,
I cheated only one time years ago, and my husband
forgave me. Now I've found out that he's been having
an affair for the past three years and doesn't want
(02:25):
to leave her. We've been married for fifteen years. What
do I do? Okay, So this comes back to that
whole classic eye for an eye thing with cheating, you know,
like if you cheat on me and I forgive you,
and then I cheat down the road. This is a
little more elaborate, a little more evolved than that, because
we're talking about a full on different relationship. But then
(02:45):
if I cheat, can you still be mad at me?
Is the real question? So if so, Kiki, I cheated
on you five years ago, I told you you forgave me.
Yesterday you cheated on me, yes, and it's like, well,
I'm sorry I did that. I won't do it again,
but remember that one time that you did it to
me and I forgave you. So you're supposed to forgive me. See,
(03:06):
but for me, if I cheat on you and you
forgive me, truly forgave me, then you don't get a
freebie like I fucked up and you forgave me. So
that doesn't mean that you can then pull that out
later and be like, oh, this bad thing I just did.
Remember that time you cheated on me, because otherwise, what's
the point of forgiving people? You know, if you're taking
an inventory of all the bad things I've done just
(03:28):
to use them against me when you do something bad,
well that's not very healthy.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Yeah, it's not very healthy. But you started the theme
of this relationship with cheating, like you started it.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
You know what I'm saying, Well, then what's the point
of forgiving me?
Speaker 3 (03:40):
I love you, I want to be with you.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Obviously you don't because you just because yesterday you just fucked.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
Somebody else, right and then so that fucked them, So
now you forgive me and we even see I don't know.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
I don't see it that do you guys see it
that way?
Speaker 1 (03:52):
No?
Speaker 2 (03:53):
Not at all.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
No, if you forgive somebody for something you don't just
get like a you don't get a freebie.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
What you don't get a freebie? You can't. That's why
I got hippy. Oh says you don't forgive. But that's
just my own take.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
Okay, Well then, okay, So I don't want to use
real examples. But if someone cheated on you, I don't
have an example. I well, this whole thing is fake. Fine, well,
I just don't like to use like real people about it.
Like if Hovey cheated, I don't want to I want
to say that.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
Well, okay, I don't.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
I don't want your husband to cheat on you. I
don't even want to put that out there. Okay, So okay, fine,
So Hovey cheats on you and he comes, he says, Paulina,
I cheated on you. What do you after you cut
his dick off? Then what's the next step after that? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (04:34):
I would probably like, you know, cry and do all
that you know, crazy shit.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
That I would do. But honestly, I would not stay
with this person.
Speaker 4 (04:41):
I wouldn't stay with my husband, and this is a husband,
like I'm married, Like we got like stuff that would
have to figure out, like big girl stuff, you know.
So I didn't a child, But I can't stay with
that person because I can't look you in the eye
anymore and and live my life acting like it didn't happen,
even if I apologize, even if we go to therapy,
it's not for me. But you guys know that I
don't like shit go so like it's really hard for me.
It's also a me issue.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Okay, So well then it doesn't I guess it wouldn't
matter because you're not forgiving him anyway. But let's say
you did forgive somebody. Let's say it's a lesser offense.
Something happened and you're mad about it, and you forgave them.
I don't know, let's say they Let's make it really simple.
They said they were going to be somewhere and they
and they were late, an hour late or forty five
(05:22):
minutes late. They really inconvenienced you, and they were like,
I'm really sorry that I did that to you. And
then a year or so later, you show up forty
five minutes late and you're like, I'm sorry, but you
did do that to me a year ago. So you
know that's like it doesn't work that way, right, Like,
you don't get to do that. You make a mistake,
we move forward. You don't get to any inventory the
(05:43):
mistake and then bring it up later when you make
the same mistake. Because because we decided together mutually, were
that okay, I'm forgiving you were moving on. Yeah, because
imagine in relationships, and I know this does happen, but
because and I don't mean to make it a male
female thing, but my god, do women have the most
incredible memory for all the times I've fucked up. But
it's like, you can't just dig shit up from the
(06:06):
past whenever it's convenient for you, because then we're not
really moving forward. We're not really forgiving.
Speaker 4 (06:10):
No, I don't believe in the convenient part, Like like
you're saying, But if you using that example of like
meeting late, right, we're going somewhere whatever, I'm an hour late,
and then I do that to you a year later,
I would only literally bring that up and be like,
you did the shit to me a year ago two,
So don't nack brand new. Only if you try to
like use it against me or like do this whole
I'm mad skit with me. Does that make sense because
(06:31):
I feel like, like, no, but you did it too,
And like, I think that's my biggest thing in life
and my biggest problem is that people do shit to
me all the time and then like the minute that
I do it, I'm a bad guy. I'm this horrible person,
and I'm like, you fucking do this all the time.
Though everybody, friends, husband, family, everybody, it's it's frustrating.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Well, here's another like sort of a spinoff question from
that scenario about cheating. If you cheat on somebody one
time and I think, I mean I've actually never cheated.
I think I've been Oh, I know I've been cheated on,
but I've never cheated. But I do know about people
who have cheated, and they really like they regret it,
(07:11):
they wish they hadn't done it. It's not, in fact
an intent, there's no intent to do it again, because look,
habitual cheaters. What habitual cheaters are saying is they don't
give a shit about anybody else. I mean, it's bored.
I don't know that it's full narcissism. But like if
you consistently cheat on someone over and over again. What
you're saying is, I don't give a fuck about my
(07:31):
needs come first before anybody all the time. But I
do believe there is a world where you can make
one mistake, where you can be drunk, or you could
be vulnerable, or you could be in an argument or
a fight and just screw up.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
Right.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
I do believe that is possible. There are people out
there that believe that if you cheat one time, then
you're a cheater, and then it's unforgivable, and that it's
a character flaw and it's who you are. I'm not
sure if I necessarily believe that, because I do know
people who have cheated and it like it's one of
the worst things they've ever done. They'll tell you that.
They will tell you I wish I had never done that.
It was a terrible mistake. Right. But where I'm going
with this is if you're that person and you're self
(08:06):
aware enough to know, I was at a conference and
I had too much to drink, and I bang this
chick and I'm never going to see her again, and
I'm such an idiot, and I wish I'd never done it.
The question I'm getting at is do you tell the
person who you're with that you did that? My argument
is that you don't get to tell the person that
(08:27):
you fucked up one time. You get to live with
that because if you, I think, when you tell someone
you did something bad, there's a component of it that's
you getting it off your chest and you releasing yourself
of that of that burden. Right because now I told
you it's not a secret. You know, you can get mad,
you can get upset, but then we move past it,
and now I don't have to It doesn't weigh on
(08:48):
me anymore as much because well, I told you it's
not a secret, but you've also now just put that
on someone else. And for some people, cheating is the
highest level of betrayal, of betrayal, thank you, that was
the word I was looking for. So now and now
you may have just you may have just altered the
course of their life, like you may have just changed
(09:09):
their viewpoint on relationships and trust and everything else. So
my thing is, if you fuck up one time, and
it's really one time, I think you get to live
with that. Huh uh, you don't think.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
So, Listen, it's two ways, it's multiple ways to die.
So either you don't tell me now and I'm gonna
find out later that's gonna really mess this whole thing up,
or you come clean and give me the choice to
either stay with you and work it through or go
on with my life because you made a mistake that
may not be forgivable to me. But just keeping it
(09:38):
to yourself that's very dangerous because it's gonna, I mean,
things just come out, whether you you you know, whatever
happens in the dark comes to light, So you you
risked the fact of me finding out somehow, and then
that's even worse for you. I think you should always
be open, honest, give your partner the choice if they
want to work through it or not, or if they
want to go on with their life, because this is
the mistake that you made, the decision that you made, so.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
I get it.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
But like if I I mean, have ever any of
you been cheated on before?
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (10:07):
No?
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Would you say that those of you who have and
in my case I have, would you say that it
is something that I would say it's it's something almost
never leaves you, especially if you really cared about the person.
So again, if it's a one time screw up, you're
really willing to sort of change my DNA.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
I don't mean to be dramatic.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
I don't mean to be dramatic, but like, there are
some things that people do to you that never leave
you when you love them and they betray you. Whether
it's that way or a bunch of other ways, it's
it's a it's a scar, it's a mark within and
I can I have to live with it, but you
don't have to.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
Now.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Again, this does require a tremendous amount of self awareness
because I also know that the habitual cheaters can convince
themselves that what they did was justified, and that each
time they do it that it was justified too, because
well they're a victim or or they you know, or
they're in whatever. Most people I know who have cheated
more than once are the kind of person that can
(11:03):
justify doing really shitty things to people as well. That's
just what I had to do, you know what I mean.
So it requires a lot of self awareness. You really
got to be the person who screwed up, because if
you're the person does this over and over again, then
you you may as well tell him because you're an asshole,
you know, what I mean, But like if you just
if you really just fucked up.
Speaker 3 (11:21):
Yeah, I know you fucked up, but like, what are
you doing?
Speaker 1 (11:25):
But isn't there more in it for me? Isn't there
more in it for me? You guys, for me to
get it off my chest, to release it from inside
of me and put it on you?
Speaker 2 (11:34):
Doesn't that benefit me more than you?
Speaker 5 (11:36):
Because now you gotta worry about am I gonna walk?
How long am I gonna punish you? Am I staying?
Am I leaving? How bad did you hurt me?
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Like?
Speaker 5 (11:43):
You have to live with all that. You made a choice,
and there's consequences.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
But we might get over it.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
And then you remember that I cheated, and I remember
that I came clean, and I forget it, and now
I'm cleansed.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
I'm good because hey, stuck a little.
Speaker 5 (11:54):
Dick in somebody else.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
That's the risk thing you little.
Speaker 5 (12:00):
I always say, But no, I mean, when you did that,
that's all that comes with it, and that's that I
definitely need you to be upfront with me.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Yes, because what the what?
Speaker 5 (12:09):
Yeahkeep you a little dick in your pants?
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (12:13):
Because now I'm just laying next to a liar who's
holding a secret from me for years.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
Yeah, I get that too. I get that too.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
I just again, I guess to reiterate, it's just like
I feel like people who who betray someone and then
come clean. While I understand the logic there, it's like, well,
you deserve to know that I did this and then
act accordingly. I think the part that people don't think
about is that is that there is benefit to me
in doing that, because now I don't have to live
(12:42):
with a secret anymore. But I also now have exposed
you to information that might truly change the way that
you look at all relationships. And I know I'm being
really dramatic, but again, talk to people who have been
systematically cheated on, talk to people who have been betrayed
by family members or loved ones, and that stuff. If
it's deep enough, that stuff never leaves you.
Speaker 5 (13:03):
But that's life.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Yeah I wrote that too, cars.
Speaker 5 (13:05):
I mean, it's it sounds crazy, but yeah, I don't know,
and like I don't know who you cheated with, Like
I don't want to be out here looking goofy, like
someone's like looking at my Instagram like I had your man.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
Like ah oh, And I think that there are I
think there are scenarios where again, if it's at one
off and then you'll never you'll never see the person again,
and like it's never going to come up again. Maybe,
But if I've banged your best friend or something like,
that's the kind of shit that you you now have
that has to be revealed because everybody deserves to know that.
Now you're being doubly betrayed. Oh god, you know, if
(13:35):
it's someone that you're going to run into or someone
that's in your life or whatever, then I think now
the other. But if it's something that I could I
did in Cancun and you'll never know, well.
Speaker 3 (13:44):
If we're in cant coons not on us soil. Yeah,
you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
So the venue is important, I say, it matters. We're okay, glad,
I'm glad it was in Cancun.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Well, another problem solved on yet another episode of The Tangent.
By the way, that was from Quorra Wow. The initial
scenario was from the interwebt it was from the Yeah,
it was from the interwebs.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
You've never cheated. I have never cheated.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
You've never cheated.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
I have never cheated. No, you have you you kind
of did right.
Speaker 5 (14:20):
No, no, no, I haven't cheat. I mean I know
when I was like twelve, maybe I'm not a friend, right,
it's terrible.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
I still feel bad about that.
Speaker 5 (14:29):
And I wasn't even dating for real because you know,
my brain wasn't very But no, no, I couldn't live
with it, and that gil that would be punishment enough
for me that you're talking about I feel guilty about
like walking through this like every door you know, and breathing.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Yeah, I do too, I'm with you.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
Everything makes me feel bad, yeah, no, everything, Yeah, most
things make me feel bad. I'm more self critical of myself.
Of myself I am, that's redundant, but I am more
self critical than anybody could ever be. Like anything that
you think you said where you got me, don't worry.
I've already thought it same. You're late. So like any
(15:05):
shitty thing that you come up with that you can
say about me, I've already considered it, so you know
you can go ahead. But like, it ain't nothing new
to me, don't worry. It's yeah, no exactly. That's a
whole different tangent. But all right, there you go. Listen
to the podcast please of the show on the iHeart app.
Wherever we listen to podcast, search for the Fred' show
and look at that. I think we've done our job
this all month. I think we've done the tangent when
(15:25):
we're supposed to do it. This is amazing, so thank
you for listening.
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