February 24, 2025 • 33 mins
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
All right, you go do a tang so bad? Wow? Okay,
I think we could start right there. Then do you
want to do a tang so bad? I could tell
the passion was just radiating from you to do this.
All right, hit the intro thing, let's do it. It's
the tangent giving you all this ship we couldn't talk
(00:21):
about on the air. So Paulina sent me this. I
don't know why you send it. I mean, are you
thinking about it? This is from BuzzFeed. I love how
like I'll bring it. I mean I haven't said it yet,
and you put a lot of ideas on the thing,
but I'll be like, you know this idea and then
everyone looks at me like I'm crazy. I'm like, well,
what have you wrote it? So it says, honestly, more
(00:41):
dudes need to learn this. Men are sharing these shockingly
common things they lie to their wives and girlfriends about.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I'm listening, Yes, why do.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Men need to learn about it? If we're the ones lying?
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Wait?
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Why do I say that?
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Who needs to learn.
Speaker 1 (00:59):
What? Okay, Look, I don't know who came up with this,
but some of these are weird. Okay. Number one on
this list are the things that men are lying to
their girlfriends and wives about that she's the softest and cuddliest.
Who the fuck ever said that? Ever?
Speaker 4 (01:14):
Call me soft and cuddly?
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Whoever whoever said that call me soft? What do they mean?
Speaker 5 (01:22):
Like, not just as a person, but like, you know
the thing.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
I don't know what the hell that means. I have
never called anyone soft work juicy like I have said that,
I say soft and cuddly. Every sex I have is
the best sex. Every sex is the best sex. Every
sex I have is the best. And you know my
theory on this. My theory is that you don't marry
(01:47):
the best sex. That's my theory. You guys will all
I'm waiting. Oh no, I'm getting fuck so good. Whatever,
it's not true. It's not true. I'm sorry. It's not true.
You don't marry the best sex of your life because
I can tend the best sex of your life is
typically unhealthy and toxic.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
The toxic sex.
Speaker 4 (02:03):
I don't agree, but I heard I heard about this.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Let's reframe and what if each sex is different.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
So so you.
Speaker 3 (02:12):
Know that sex that has a layer of toxicity, maybe
it's only good because you know it's like fleeting And
then there's loving sex.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
You got to in the words like you got to
make love.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
I guess I just I don't think that we wind
up marrying the best sex. I don't, But what is
the best?
Speaker 6 (02:28):
I was gonna ask that, like what is whatever felt
the best to find the best, But that's.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Like, I don't know. I feel like that makes it
so simple.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
I just I think I think that.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
We're getting deep. I'm trying to help the married ladies.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
I think when you when you comprise what in a perfect,
perfect world, but when you comprise what you wind up
choosing to be with or who you wind up choosing,
And I say what like from a from a theory standpoint,
but like who you choose to be with, I think
you're having to compromise in wigh a bunch of things.
I think you're going for Most people would, I think,
if they're being honest, would say they're going for good
(03:03):
or better in as many categories as possible, not just
that one. And so I think the person who's the
kindest to you or not the kindest, A person who's
kind and generous and interesting and thoughtful, and it makes
you feel safe, and also the sex is good enough.
I mean again, I think a lot of times the
person who maybe fucks you the best isn't necessarily the
(03:24):
best human being. And ultimately, I feel like when it
comes to marrying someone, we're focusing more on the kind
of human at least the kind of human that we
think is in front of us at the time, more
than we are in any one particular thing more than money.
You know, I don't know that we always marry the
person who's the most successful. I don't know that we
always marry the person who is, you know, the most.
Speaker 6 (03:46):
Damn well, not honestly, no me, like I'm saying damn
to me, like I dated some bums because I did
marry the most successful and like the nicest guy, like
I really did.
Speaker 4 (03:56):
But I think, honestly do I think we change over time.
Speaker 6 (03:59):
I'm thirty two, Like I wasn't married or in a relationship,
and I was still banging like the toxic dude. I
don't know if if the new me, that the healed
me would even want that, the twenty five will me
might right, because I'd be attracted to that.
Speaker 4 (04:10):
But I don't know. As we get older, maybe women,
maybe just me, I go to therapy. I don't know.
Speaker 6 (04:13):
I know we all do too, But I'm just saying,
like I'm working on myself that it wouldn't even feel
right anymore at thirty two.
Speaker 4 (04:19):
Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (04:20):
I also think that, like what you're looking for in
a boyfriend is very different than what you're looking for
in a husband.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
And I'm just speaking from a woman's perspective.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Think we're saying the same thing.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Yeah, but I'm saying, like, Okay, so a boyfriend you're
looking like it's just based off chemistry and sexual compatibility,
and like I'm agreeing with you there, Like whereas if
you're looking for a husband, you know, just because someone
has good chemistry with you, doesn't mean they're going to
be you want to split finances with them, doesn't mean
you want to.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
I think we're sharing the same thing.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Yeah, I'm just saying.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
You know, no, I completely agree. I think I completely agree.
The qualities of the person who I want to be
with every single day probably differ in many ways, not all,
but in many from the person who I would want
to have sex with all the time.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
And it's also about the amount of times, like yeah,
that like toxic sex is good because it's you don't
know when the next time is going to be, or
you don't know if they're going to talk to you again,
Like you're obviously banging your husband more consistently, so you.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Just gotta, you know, switch it up.
Speaker 4 (05:14):
But it all talks to me.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
There's a comfort level, you know, there's a comfort level
that comes with your husband or wife. I think that
probably is you can't get with a toxic person. So
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
This is a complicated conversation because I've heard people say,
well things, people get lazy in relationships when they once
they get married. Because I ask this question all the time.
I ask this question all the time. How how is
it that people will date someone for five years or
ten years or whatever, they get married and the thing
falls apart in a year or two. This does happen fairly,
(05:46):
I'm going to say, fairly regularly. You knew exactly what
you were getting into. You knew this person as well
as you knew yourself after. I mean, look, if you
may if you date someone for six months and marry
them and it fails, well you didn't know everything right.
If your dates if you live with someone for five
years and marry them and then you guys, you know,
you get married, you go back to the same house
(06:07):
where you've lived and do the same thing you've been doing,
but then it falls apart. I ask myself all the time,
and I ask other people why what happened? And people
will say, well, we got married and the person got lazy.
It's like, well they knew that I wasn't going anywhere,
they weren't going anywhere or whatever. It's like, well, that's bullshit,
because people cheat, right, So that's not the reason. Because
just because you went into a church and you said
(06:27):
I want to be you know whatever in front of God,
I'm sorry that doesn't seem to be good enough for
anybody anymore, or for a lot of people. Not anybody,
but for a lot of people. So don't think that
just because we went to a church and we did
all that, that now you're locked in and you know,
and I'm not going anywhere because I don't think that's
good enough. I don't think that's true. So what is it?
Speaker 5 (06:47):
I think a lot of times people in those situations
are they have something to look forward to, so they
have this marriage to look forward to, and a lot
of times when you've been with somebody for so long,
and you haven't been married. Then it's like you finally
do get married. Sometimes that's like last straw or a
last scenario, like a last dish ditch effort. Some people
go and have a baby, or some people go and
get married, and then it's like, Okay, we got married
(07:08):
and nothing changed. You weren't happy. You weren't happy before
you got married. You got married thinking that that would
fix it. You're still not happy. And then that's why
I think they break up so soon.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
And see people would say, well, I wanted to be
married because it's romantic, or I wanted to be married
because you know, for spiritual reasons or whatever, and that's
all fair. And my argument would be, if you're happy
and it works, why why fuck with it? Like if
everyone's fine and everything's good and you're happy, and you're
because again just getting married in a church or some
(07:39):
kind of spiritual ceremony. Unfortunately, psychologically, I might contend, can
do more damage than good if everything's going well before,
because if someone's going to cheat on you, they're going
to cheat on you, whether you were married or not. Honestly,
I really don't think people In fact, if anything, I
think people being married makes them feel more confined and
(08:02):
almost like more likely to feel the need to break
out psychologically. And I'm still open to getting married, and
I'm still open to being with someone forever. But my
thing is why, Because people get married and shit fucks up,
and I don't know why. So why not just be
Because again, if you're getting married because you think that
that stabilizes things or that solidifies things, I don't think
(08:24):
that's true inherently.
Speaker 5 (08:26):
Yeah, for me, I need to be able to pick
out the socks at the funeral, you know, most importantly,
Like I need to be able to have security legally.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Yeah, I hear it, and I get that if you
have kids, but you can draw all that stuff up,
you could do all that.
Speaker 6 (08:42):
They say it's not as not that the reason she
get married is because of this, But they say it's
not as as secure as you think it is. Like
we can have a baby together and I think I'm good,
and then he dies and out you're sure A.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Lawyer, I mean, like I know somebody, for example, who
had a They were never engaged, so you can't say wedlock,
but they she got pressed. They tried to make it work,
it didn't work. They decided to separate or she left
or whatever, but it was it got to the point
where it was amicable. They went to an attorney. They
drew up some paperwork for the kid. You know, who's
going to have what responsibilities, and you know, I guess whatever.
(09:15):
And then so it's like it's not just really nilly,
like okay, well you can have her on Wednesday and
then he doesn't come around, or if something happens this, no,
it's all drawn out. It's good to go legally. If
something happens, God forbid, they know what they're going to
do and boom they move on. So I think, you know,
you can do that. You could do all that I
could come up with.
Speaker 4 (09:34):
You probably could.
Speaker 6 (09:35):
I think a lot of people when it comes to marriage,
I think a lot of people, you know, do it
for different reasons. Right, Some people do it because it
maybe might feel pressured by society or their family.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Right.
Speaker 6 (09:44):
Some people might just do it because they think it's
the right next step, like we were talking about.
Speaker 4 (09:48):
People I think have their reasons.
Speaker 6 (09:49):
I think unfortunately, a lot of people do it for
the wrong reasons, and that's why it doesn't work out.
They still want to, you know, creep and do this
and that, or I think something mentally changes in people's
minds when they get married, where they're like, oh shit,
like I made this decision, this choice.
Speaker 4 (10:03):
Now I'm locked in.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Nobody else for the rest of my life. And then
it's like when you go to the dentist when you
were a kid. I don't know if you guys ever
experienced this. Did you ever have to rinse to that
fluoride stuff and then you couldn't eat for like two
hours afterwards? Whatever it is?
Speaker 6 (10:16):
Yeah, and Iah and I had never been more hungry
in my life, my life.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
I had to have it. I had to eat right now.
I had to have it, you know. But I wasn't
hungry until they told me I couldn't eat, and then
it was all of a sudden. I don't know why
that's the example that I think of, because I don't
think you don't have to do it as a grown up.
I think it's just a kid thing. But anyway, I get.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
It painted on the flooride and they still asked me
to not.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
Oh really, I don't know that I've ever because I
usually reward myself for going to the dentist with some
absolute garbage food. I usually reward myself daily with some
absolute garbage food. But yeah, it's amazing how you can
come up with ways to justify anything for anything, like
as a grown ass man, I can, Oh, you know
what I should tell I get McDonald's today because I
went to work. I arrived at the office and I
(10:59):
did my job, and so I think I should have
a treat.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Hey, some days you should get a reward for that.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
When I go to the doctor, I still go. I
hated the doctor. I had meningitis when I was a kid.
I was three years old. I was in the hospital
for a month. I'm conditioned. I hate it. I smell
a doctor's office, I smell a hospital. It's a vistal reaction.
It is all psychological. I have volunteered in at the hospitals.
I've tried every exposure therapy. I've tried everything to get
over it. It will not change. God forbid, I ever
have to go to the hospital, you may as well
(11:26):
just take me. Just take me, Lord, just take me
like the pope, because I don't even want to go there.
I don't want to go there. But but my mom
used to bribe me. It was like, if you go
get your shots, or you go to the doctor for
your just whatever. Then I'll take you a toy store afterwards.
And we did that through my twenties basically, and so
(11:47):
now I reward myself. I have to go to the
doctor on Wednesday, and it is like the least it
is an FAA medical It is the least intrusive thing.
They basically look at you and go, you look fine
to me, and then off you go. Go fly a plane,
just don't flip it over on its back. And I
will still by myself a present on Wednesday for doing
it as a grown ass man, as you should. But
(12:08):
it's kind of ridiculous, like we sometimes we just got
to do stuff because we're grown ups, you know what
I mean. Anyway, Yeah, I don't know. And people hear
this and they're like, well, that's why you're not married. No,
it's not true. I'm not married because I haven't met
somebody I should be married to. That's that's a fact.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
No one should be saying to anyone that's why you're
not married, like I.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Did scream that from the mountaintops.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Well, people think I'm a weirdo because I'm eccentric and
because I have this platform and I but I am
a weirdo, like I'm an eccentric person. I have crazy thoughts,
what I know, But I've never one time said I'm
a normal person. In fact, one of us are. I
embrace the fact that I'm different, and I embrace the
fact that I'm not going to be for most people,
I'm really not. And it used to make me feel bad,
(12:50):
you know, like you didn't like my sense of humor
or you didn't you didn't like this, didn't like that.
It used to make me feel bad like, oh well,
maybe I should be more normal or something. Now fuck that.
Sorry if you don't. And it doesn't mean you can
like be a you know, hateful, mean, terrible human being.
I think people you can't justify it that way, but
I asked it so I have a sense of humor
(13:10):
that's not for everybody, Like okay, I mean I'm not
gonna I.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
Mean, honestly, no real like you're in your I don't care,
Era Paulina is in hers.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
But you know, you know that I struggle with and
my therapist here's this every Monday. I struggle with being
accountable for the things that I do that might upset
other people, and also being myself, like I have a
very hard time because I definitely think there are people
in my life lately it's been a theme there are
(13:41):
people that are not part of my life anymore. And
and believe it or not, the first thing I do
is look to myself and say, well, what did I do?
I must it must be one hundred percent on me.
I must have done it, cause it's kind of a
phase like the l I can tell you in the
last twelve to eighteen months, like some people have gone
and I've let them go, oh, or I've gone from
them and no, but I mean it's kind of like
(14:05):
I'm not gonna say a lot of people, but it's
a number of people more than I've ever probably sort
of parted ways with in my whole life. And I
go to my therapist and I'm like, this is a theme,
and it must be on me. I'm the jackass, I'm
the asshole. What am I doing wrong? And I guess
her thing is to focus more on, well, what if
it's not all on you? Like what if it is
(14:26):
a little bit on you, but what if it's a
little bit on them too? And what if it's just
you know, what are these similar qualities, and when you
break it down, I've noticed that a lot of the
qualities are the same is that I was in quote
unquote friendships with people who didn't give two fucks about me.
The only way those friendships there were a couple of them,
and the only way they worked is if it was
(14:46):
about them. And as long as it was about them
and they were happy with what I was giving them,
then we were fine. And the second that they weren't
for whatever reason, didn't matter what the reason was, we
forget everything that was the foundation of the friendship and
it's fuck you, that's not a friend. No, no, So
like I could be wrong in situations that led to
(15:07):
this happening, but a friend would say, yeah, you were wrong, there,
let's talk about it. If I was right, if I
was wrong. But the fact that in many of these
situations there was no conversation. It was just discarding, you know,
just you're gone or whatever. It's like, that's not a friend.
But I do tend to look at myself and say, well,
what what am I doing that's driving these people away?
(15:29):
And it's like, maybe you're just figuring out that there's
a lot in your life that's not even and I
do think that's true.
Speaker 6 (15:38):
Yes, or life has elevated for you in some way.
Take that as you will. Things have changed for you
right in your life. And you know, the more like
that comes to you, the more that you get. I
think people sort of show like their true colors. They
usually say it happens with like career changes, right, or
like if you get married or have a kid, like
things change. Like I think that's true to some extent.
(15:59):
And I think you're going through that. They said, what
twelve twelve months, eighteen months.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
It's definitely been that clock sounds right? Yeah, yeah, I
think I don't know, I've there's definitely definitely been a
reevaluation of ye, who's in my life, why they're in
my life, what my role was and what their role was,
and like when you break it down, it's like, well,
wait a minute, even if I did fuck up, like
I wasn't even worth it. It wasn't even worth a conversation,
Like it wasn't even worth some grace, like the trust me.
(16:26):
Like I've had friends my whole life and we don't
fight with a lot of them. I don't. I don't
fight with a lot of them. But like if I did,
we would have a conversation about it. Before I would
just say, fuck off, you're not you're not. You don't
get to beat part of my life anymore. Like we
I think we would have a lot of conversations, but
you know what I mean, before I would eliminate someone.
But it's amazing how quickly certain people able to just
(16:48):
discard others. And the theme seems to be when you
start to break it down, like wait a minute, when's
the last time you asked if I was okay? When's
the last time you asked if When's a lot of
time we celebrated my success, Like when's the last time
you asked one fucking question about me? And then you
start to think, well, wait a minute, maybe maybe I
(17:08):
even if I did do something wrong, like that's not
somebody who's looking at me through a lens that I
want them to look at me anyway. That's not somebody
who values me, right, because if it's just that easy
to be like, well, did get out of here? But
I think you know the truth of the matter is
I sit around all day and I think about all
the ways that I'm I'm unlikable, or that I'm or
that the problems that I'm having interpersonally are one hundred
(17:31):
percent on me, and I beat myself up about it,
and I feel like, maybe I need to do a
little bit less of that. Maybe I don't know.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
I'm going through that with a friend right now. And
I started to realize it.
Speaker 3 (17:43):
And then it's crazy how long you can go with
someone like before you realize it, but then the second
that you do realize it, it hits you like a
ton of bricks. And so I went back through our
text to figure out, like, when was the last time
that anything was, you know, that that anyone had reached
out to me for any reason other than needing some thing.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
And I was scrolling and scrolling. I'm like, wait, fuck,
I've been carrying this.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
I've done the same thing so long I haven't noticed
because I'm sick.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
I've done the same thing. I've done the same thing.
I've looked back, I've looked back on communication and been like,
holy shit, like nowhere in here was there anything about me.
Like in one case, I was in a terrible relationship
that took me to low's I've never experienced before, and
I realized that this person who was supposedly one of
(18:30):
my best friends, didn't even know, didn't even know I
was in the relationship or that I was in that place,
didn't even know. How would you call me a friend
and you don't even know, I mean, you don't even
bother to fucking ask, And so then you have to
go like, Okay, well, maybe it's not entirely on me
as a guy who wants to be accountable. And then
(18:51):
I think, well, I could call this person and just
take the sword and be like, my bad on everything.
I don't even know what I to be honest, I
don't even know what I did, but I'm sorry for
all of it. But then what's the point in that,
because then you just go right back to the way
it was. I had to call you and take the
sword and tell you everything was my fault and you're
the greatest thing ever and I'm so sorry. That's what
I had to do to get you back in my
(19:12):
life again. Like, that's that's not a friendship.
Speaker 3 (19:15):
Yeah, for me, it's like and I don't know if
past stuff has affected you that way as well, but
for me, it's like I always thought that you had
to earn people's love or like that you had to like,
you know, to be good enough for the love instead
of it being unconditional. So for me, that's why I
said I'm sick, because I'm I'm still conditioned to go, oh,
I have to earn this. I have to do this
for you to love me unconditionally, or this for you
(19:36):
to love me unconditionally and keep you know, I work
for it essentially, And then I realized, wait, like you
are sick.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
You don't have to earn anyone's love.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
If someone loves you unconditionally, they love you unconditionally. So
I don't know if your past has affected you in
that way as.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
Well, but yeah has for me.
Speaker 3 (19:52):
You just want to like because you don't you have
a band, I have abandonment issues, so I don't want
that person to leave. So if I'm only like, if
I'm the perfect friend, if I'm the perfect, the perfect
that then you won't leave.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
But like, people shouldn't be leaving for small reasons like that.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
You know, well they're just yes and you know, believe
it or not. Like in a couple of these cases,
I've sat down and like made a like my grandfather
with any decision used to tell me pros and cons,
like literally sit down and draw a line down the
middle of the paper and write the pros and cons
out of every decision that you're making or every scenario
you find yourself in where there's you know, where it
(20:25):
could go one way or the other, and look at
it like in writing. Force your brain to do that.
And I've done that with some of these relationships. And
it's like I hate to quantify friendships, but since we're here, okay, fine,
let me quantify some of these relationships. And it's like,
this is all the stuff I've done for you, and
this is all the stuff I thought I brought to
your life, and this is the stuff that I've gotten
(20:46):
back and it's completely uneven. But yet you you think
that I'm the asshole, you know what I mean. It's
just like wait a minute, hold on a second, Like
I don't know, it's sad, but I really, you know,
ten minutes later, I really struggle believe it or not.
People who know me well know this, but you can
(21:07):
you can. No one could ever be harder on me
than I am on myself inside every day, Like nobody.
Like if you think if you think you're punishing me,
fuck you, because there's you cannot possibly punish me the
way I punish myself. And if you know that I'm
doing that, if you know me well enough to know
I'm punishing myself for something that you have some control over,
well then fuck you again. You know what I mean,
(21:27):
because you're you're letting me do it. And I own that, right,
I own that. But like, if you know that about
me and you just let it happen, like and you
just kind of sit there and smile, like, what does
that say about you? I don't know, But I really
struggle every day with that, like what part of what
part of what goes wrong and what part of what
goes right is am I responsible for versus someone else?
(21:50):
And most of what goes wrong I take full blame
on and I have my whole life, I know where
it comes from. But it's like I can't do that anymore.
I just can't do it anymore. And if it means
I wind up with two or three people in my
life and that's it, then I guess that's I guess
that's where I wind up. It's because I guess, you know,
but I'm sure there are other people going, well, the
guy's an asshole. It's like, Okay, I mean, I know
(22:14):
you know that's not true, but okay, you know, I
mean that's kind of where I have to be, I guess,
because if you step if you take a step back,
and you wait for other people to say I value you,
I want to fix this, and they don't, well, then
you know you're not valued, right, you know, you know
that you no longer are serving your utility for that
person anymore. And the moment that you're not doing something
for them, then they're not. They don't care about you anymore.
(22:36):
And I think that tells you everything, doesn't it.
Speaker 5 (22:38):
Oh yeah? And some people wait for the moment, They
wait for that moment where they know that they can
play victim to you because they know that you care,
so they know that how to weaponize that in that
moment and like, oh, he'll come running back, because.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
You know, there is almost nothing that and I know
where this comes from, same place. There is almost nothing
that infuriates me more than a fake victim. If you
want to know the thing that really gets to me,
it's the person that had a role in their situation
and blames it on everybody else and takes no accountability.
I That is my number one Yes, and I too,
(23:13):
Oh boy, does that just get me at the core.
It's like, you honestly don't think that you had anything
to do with this situation. You like everybody else, it's
everybody else's fault all the time. You know, it's this person,
and then when that person's gone, and now it's this person,
or it's that person, or it's it's gotta be somebody
else all the time. And those are the people who
(23:35):
should probably be doing what I'm doing, which is really
looking inside and beating the shit out of themselves to
figure out why that is. And again, that doesn't mean
I've been perfect with everybody. I haven't. It doesn't mean
I haven't made mistakes. It doesn't mean I, you know,
don't that I live my life the way that everybody
thinks I should know. But I mean it's a give
and take. And when there's no when it's only taken,
(23:55):
there's zero give, then I guess I guess I can
forgive myself in those situations and give myself some grace
because I just I just can't do it. Like I can't.
Nothing is one side. Nothing is one hundred percent one
sided nothing, you know, And I try and I try
and put that in perspective with my friends are like
telling me about their relationship problems or whatever. Of course
(24:17):
you want to. You want to just lean right into
the person that you love, because usually there's one person
that you're more invested in the other, and you want
to tell them all the things, Yeah, fuck that person,
fuck that, fuck that, but maybe not because you know
it's not. You also have to realize that it's not
one hundred percent one sided. Some some things are, but
like it averages out to being a lot more fifty
(24:37):
to fifty I feel like, or closer closer to the middle.
It's like, yeah, that terrible thing that she did. But
then so you didn't do anything right, you know what
I mean? Like, so I just before I tell you
to tell this person to fuck off, like you like
you're pristine in this and the answer is usually not
that you know so. And I feel like people, and
some of these same people will seek advice only from
(24:59):
the people who tell them what they want to hear,
and not from the people who will be even handed
with them. I've noticed that too, which is which is
what enables this behavior. Right the second that they feel
like someone's not blowing them, then it's all just go
find someone else who blows me, because I didn't really
care about this friendship anyway. Anyway, the other things that
people lie about these are dumb. I think this is
(25:23):
what we talked about was way better.
Speaker 5 (25:24):
But way better.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
The relationship lies that men tell women the lawn is
too wet to mow. I used to do that when
I was a kid, when I had to mow the lawn,
be like, oh, the sprinklers went off last night, so
I can't do it. Because if you ever tried to
mow a wet lawn, it like GE's caught in the
fucking thing. Let me see here. When a man says
(25:46):
that he understands just so that someone will move on,
I will say, sometimes that's just the thing to do. Now,
you can't don't say that you understand if you don't
intend to check ange the behavior or adjust, because I
that's what my dad does. My dad is My dad
(26:07):
will be like, sure, I'll do that, or I got it,
or I hear you, and that's the advice he gives
me sometimes when because she and I are very similar,
so it will be like, just tell her, just tell
her you got it. And then but I'm like, but
I don't got it. I don't got it. So what
you're that's why you're in the doghouse all the time
because you just say sure, you're sure to get her
to stop talking, and then you don't actually do the thing,
(26:28):
and then you want to know where the resentment comes from.
And I love my dad, but it's like, so I
don't know. Maybe don't say that you understand, or don't
say that you're going to change if you don't fully
understand what or don't intend to do it, because I
think that just builds the resentment to where you got
bigger problems. I don't know what there is, he said,
(26:51):
dumb that I heard her the first time you did? Well, yeah,
you probably did again. If you did, then do the
thing and then we don't have to hear about it anymore. Hmm.
I don't know. What do you guys lie about rather
than this thing? What would you say you lie about
in your relationships regularly?
Speaker 4 (27:10):
My package is like why I'm getting so many Amazon packages?
It's for the baby? Or I ordered you some more deodorant.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
No I didn't.
Speaker 4 (27:17):
I ordered some shoes, I ordered the TikTok shop.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Okay, so you lie about the stuff that's coming in. Yeah, OK, and.
Speaker 4 (27:24):
Then he sees the credit card, so I still get caught.
But in the moment, I'm gonna lie.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
I mean, you guys are all in relationships, and I'm
not what do you Jason, what do you lie about?
I don't know. I'm trying to think there's nothing that
you just sort of appease him with just because it's like,
fuck it. I know this isn't right, but I don't
want to deal with it.
Speaker 5 (27:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 7 (27:41):
I mean, if it's stuff from the house, like I'll
either say that I'm going to do something knowing damn
well I'm not going to, or that I did something
that I didn't like.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
I don't know. I feel like you're better off just
saying no, because if you say yeah, I'm gonna do it,
then you don't do it, That's then now we have
like double resentment because you didn't do it and you
told me you were gonna do it and didn't do it. Yeah. Probably.
Speaker 7 (28:04):
I'm just I feel like, when like I have to
lie like that, like I just get so flustered that
I just like be saying stuff that don't make that
makes no damn sense.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
You know what about you k what do you lie
about in your relationship?
Speaker 5 (28:15):
Not much, but I do try to act fake, like
fake fake, acting interested in whatever he's talking about or
whatever he's watching. Like I'll be like, oh my god, yes,
like woo, that's crazy. I'm not paying attention to anything.
I haven't heard a word you say.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
It, Okay, I do that all the time, all right, klin.
Speaker 3 (28:33):
I'm a horrible liar. Anyone who knows me knows that
you can tell right away. But I will say my boyfriend,
who's an amazing cook, we have different views on how
much like seasoning should be in food, and sometimes he
can be a little over salty. But if you made
me an entire meal, I'm going to lie and say
it's the best mate ever.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
But he can sometimes.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
Tell, you know, if you're doing all that work, I
am never going to complain about what am I like
to al Bundy, like you know, throwing the plate my housewife.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
You know that's a small concession. Honestly, it's like someone's
doing something for you. I mean, and you've said it
to him like kindly, like, hey, you know it's a
little salty.
Speaker 3 (29:09):
Well, he always asked because he wants you know, he
wants hard notes on what he made.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
But for me, I'm like, I don't believe in that.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
If somebody thought of you and made you food, I'm
not going to tell you that it's too salty for me.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
I'm just going to eat it and smile. Just blow pressure,
right right.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Meanwhile, Yeah, I guess it's like it would be one
thing if you if you never told him the truth
and lied every time, because then the argument from the
other side could be, well, if you just told me,
then I wouldn't do that anymore. But yet if you
said it and you've tried, and the behavior is not
going to change, but it's not really hurting anybody, and
the intent is good because that's something I think people
(29:44):
forget about all the time. People don't for whatever reason,
they don't like and they don't want to think about intent.
Speaker 3 (29:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
It's so weird. It's like, like, think about what you're
mad about for one minute, Like think about it. Like
you're pissed off that someone said this. Okay, that's fair.
You're allowed to have your feelings hurt about whatever. But
I would urge you to then sit back for one second.
And thing is this person somebody who's known to hurt
me Is this person known to be shitty to other people?
(30:11):
Is this a person who, in my history of knowing them,
does things that I know for a fact are trying
to upset me? And if the answer is no most
of the time or all of the time, then maybe
they deserve some grace. I don't know. Maybe you know
so like in this case, the intent is to make
you happy, You've already brought it up. Isn't that really
going to change? You know, He's still coming at it
(30:33):
trying to please you. So is it really worth the
complaint of the argument. No, it's not. It's just not.
But I don't think people ask themselves that question very often, insights.
I don't think they ask is this Is this going
to be as big of a deal in a week
or two as it is right now? Is this going
to be a big as big of a deal in
an hour as it is right now? You know? And
I'm guilty of that. I'll get all fired up about something,
(30:55):
and an hour later I'm not nearly as fired up
about it, but I fired off a bunch of emails
and a bunch of text and fuck it, I'm gonna
fix this, you know. And then an hour later I'm like,
I'm not even mad about it anymore. And then people
are coming back now, you know, because it took them
a minute to respond. It's like, oh whoa, whoahoa, hold on,
you know, and now you're calm down, so you're right,
so you feel stupid. Yeah, I think that's another thing.
I think some of these situations. I mean, now I
(31:16):
think the people know they're wrong, and and so they're
not and they don't. Again, I'm not worth them coming
back and telling me that they were wrong, So either way,
I'm not worth it, right, So either way to them
at least, So that tells me everything I need to know.
But it's like, when I look at some of these situations,
I'm going, you don't you know damn well, I would
(31:36):
not do anything purposefully to fuck you up. You know that?
Like you know that if you look at years and
years of our friendship, what part of that has ever
shown you that I'm a shit human being? Probably not
much of it. I mean, you know, I'm not perfect whatever,
and but yet I'm it's still not worth it to you,
So I don't know, So fuck you. Hey man, you Jason.
(32:02):
I know it's Monday and not Friday. But what fuck you?
So not a full one because Friday, at about nine
forty five, when the mice come off, Jason gives us
the most glorious fuck you, and it's a it's almost
it's like a it's like an a cappella song. It's
music to my ears. My Friday cannot begin until I've
heard Jason's fuck you. But it's only Monday.
Speaker 4 (32:24):
Yes, I know, it's got to wait five more days fuck.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
You, so we can't do sexy fuck you starting, Okay,
all right, anyway, people lie, that's the tangent. One of
these somethings are ridiculous. Oh wait, that's fun fact. Never mind,
I was I had two lists open, and I'm like,
what the fuck is that on here? Well, that's because
(32:48):
it has nothing to do with this. I already closed
the other one. Anyway, there's the tang And if you
listen to this whole thing, thank you, and you must
be a fan. So if you would make this a
preset on the iHeart app and then if you could
make the station where you listen to us and UH
and uh our our normal podcast, the Fred Show on demand,
if you'd make that appreciate too, we would love it.
Have a great day.
All right, you go do a tang so bad? Wow? Okay,
I think we could start right there. Then do you
want to do a tang so bad? I could tell
the passion was just radiating from you to do this.
All right, hit the intro thing, let's do it. It's
the tangent giving you all this ship we couldn't talk
(00:21):
about on the air. So Paulina sent me this. I
don't know why you send it. I mean, are you
thinking about it? This is from BuzzFeed. I love how
like I'll bring it. I mean I haven't said it yet,
and you put a lot of ideas on the thing,
but I'll be like, you know this idea and then
everyone looks at me like I'm crazy. I'm like, well,
what have you wrote it? So it says, honestly, more
(00:41):
dudes need to learn this. Men are sharing these shockingly
common things they lie to their wives and girlfriends about.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I'm listening, Yes, why do.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Men need to learn about it? If we're the ones lying?
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Wait?
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Why do I say that?
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Who needs to learn.
Speaker 1 (00:59):
What? Okay, Look, I don't know who came up with this,
but some of these are weird. Okay. Number one on
this list are the things that men are lying to
their girlfriends and wives about that she's the softest and cuddliest.
Who the fuck ever said that? Ever?
Speaker 4 (01:14):
Call me soft and cuddly?
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Whoever whoever said that call me soft? What do they mean?
Speaker 5 (01:22):
Like, not just as a person, but like, you know
the thing.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
I don't know what the hell that means. I have
never called anyone soft work juicy like I have said that,
I say soft and cuddly. Every sex I have is
the best sex. Every sex is the best sex. Every
sex I have is the best. And you know my
theory on this. My theory is that you don't marry
(01:47):
the best sex. That's my theory. You guys will all
I'm waiting. Oh no, I'm getting fuck so good. Whatever,
it's not true. It's not true. I'm sorry. It's not true.
You don't marry the best sex of your life because
I can tend the best sex of your life is
typically unhealthy and toxic.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
The toxic sex.
Speaker 4 (02:03):
I don't agree, but I heard I heard about this.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Let's reframe and what if each sex is different.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
So so you.
Speaker 3 (02:12):
Know that sex that has a layer of toxicity, maybe
it's only good because you know it's like fleeting And
then there's loving sex.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
You got to in the words like you got to
make love.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
I guess I just I don't think that we wind
up marrying the best sex. I don't, But what is
the best?
Speaker 6 (02:28):
I was gonna ask that, like what is whatever felt
the best to find the best, But that's.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Like, I don't know. I feel like that makes it
so simple.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
I just I think I think that.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
We're getting deep. I'm trying to help the married ladies.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
I think when you when you comprise what in a perfect,
perfect world, but when you comprise what you wind up
choosing to be with or who you wind up choosing,
And I say what like from a from a theory standpoint,
but like who you choose to be with, I think
you're having to compromise in wigh a bunch of things.
I think you're going for Most people would, I think,
if they're being honest, would say they're going for good
(03:03):
or better in as many categories as possible, not just
that one. And so I think the person who's the
kindest to you or not the kindest, A person who's
kind and generous and interesting and thoughtful, and it makes
you feel safe, and also the sex is good enough.
I mean again, I think a lot of times the
person who maybe fucks you the best isn't necessarily the
(03:24):
best human being. And ultimately, I feel like when it
comes to marrying someone, we're focusing more on the kind
of human at least the kind of human that we
think is in front of us at the time, more
than we are in any one particular thing more than money.
You know, I don't know that we always marry the
person who's the most successful. I don't know that we
always marry the person who is, you know, the most.
Speaker 6 (03:46):
Damn well, not honestly, no me, like I'm saying damn
to me, like I dated some bums because I did
marry the most successful and like the nicest guy, like
I really did.
Speaker 4 (03:56):
But I think, honestly do I think we change over time.
Speaker 6 (03:59):
I'm thirty two, Like I wasn't married or in a relationship,
and I was still banging like the toxic dude. I
don't know if if the new me, that the healed
me would even want that, the twenty five will me
might right, because I'd be attracted to that.
Speaker 4 (04:10):
But I don't know. As we get older, maybe women,
maybe just me, I go to therapy. I don't know.
Speaker 6 (04:13):
I know we all do too, But I'm just saying,
like I'm working on myself that it wouldn't even feel
right anymore at thirty two.
Speaker 4 (04:19):
Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (04:20):
I also think that, like what you're looking for in
a boyfriend is very different than what you're looking for
in a husband.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
And I'm just speaking from a woman's perspective.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Think we're saying the same thing.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Yeah, but I'm saying, like, Okay, so a boyfriend you're
looking like it's just based off chemistry and sexual compatibility,
and like I'm agreeing with you there, Like whereas if
you're looking for a husband, you know, just because someone
has good chemistry with you, doesn't mean they're going to
be you want to split finances with them, doesn't mean
you want to.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
I think we're sharing the same thing.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Yeah, I'm just saying.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
You know, no, I completely agree. I think I completely agree.
The qualities of the person who I want to be
with every single day probably differ in many ways, not all,
but in many from the person who I would want
to have sex with all the time.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
And it's also about the amount of times, like yeah,
that like toxic sex is good because it's you don't
know when the next time is going to be, or
you don't know if they're going to talk to you again,
Like you're obviously banging your husband more consistently, so you.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Just gotta, you know, switch it up.
Speaker 4 (05:14):
But it all talks to me.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
There's a comfort level, you know, there's a comfort level
that comes with your husband or wife. I think that
probably is you can't get with a toxic person. So
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
This is a complicated conversation because I've heard people say,
well things, people get lazy in relationships when they once
they get married. Because I ask this question all the time.
I ask this question all the time. How how is
it that people will date someone for five years or
ten years or whatever, they get married and the thing
falls apart in a year or two. This does happen fairly,
(05:46):
I'm going to say, fairly regularly. You knew exactly what
you were getting into. You knew this person as well
as you knew yourself after. I mean, look, if you
may if you date someone for six months and marry
them and it fails, well you didn't know everything right.
If your dates if you live with someone for five
years and marry them and then you guys, you know,
you get married, you go back to the same house
(06:07):
where you've lived and do the same thing you've been doing,
but then it falls apart. I ask myself all the time,
and I ask other people why what happened? And people
will say, well, we got married and the person got lazy.
It's like, well they knew that I wasn't going anywhere,
they weren't going anywhere or whatever. It's like, well, that's bullshit,
because people cheat, right, So that's not the reason. Because
just because you went into a church and you said
(06:27):
I want to be you know whatever in front of God,
I'm sorry that doesn't seem to be good enough for
anybody anymore, or for a lot of people. Not anybody,
but for a lot of people. So don't think that
just because we went to a church and we did
all that, that now you're locked in and you know,
and I'm not going anywhere because I don't think that's
good enough. I don't think that's true. So what is it?
Speaker 5 (06:47):
I think a lot of times people in those situations
are they have something to look forward to, so they
have this marriage to look forward to, and a lot
of times when you've been with somebody for so long,
and you haven't been married. Then it's like you finally
do get married. Sometimes that's like last straw or a
last scenario, like a last dish ditch effort. Some people
go and have a baby, or some people go and
get married, and then it's like, Okay, we got married
(07:08):
and nothing changed. You weren't happy. You weren't happy before
you got married. You got married thinking that that would
fix it. You're still not happy. And then that's why
I think they break up so soon.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
And see people would say, well, I wanted to be
married because it's romantic, or I wanted to be married
because you know, for spiritual reasons or whatever, and that's
all fair. And my argument would be, if you're happy
and it works, why why fuck with it? Like if
everyone's fine and everything's good and you're happy, and you're
because again just getting married in a church or some
(07:39):
kind of spiritual ceremony. Unfortunately, psychologically, I might contend, can
do more damage than good if everything's going well before,
because if someone's going to cheat on you, they're going
to cheat on you, whether you were married or not. Honestly,
I really don't think people In fact, if anything, I
think people being married makes them feel more confined and
(08:02):
almost like more likely to feel the need to break
out psychologically. And I'm still open to getting married, and
I'm still open to being with someone forever. But my
thing is why, Because people get married and shit fucks up,
and I don't know why. So why not just be
Because again, if you're getting married because you think that
that stabilizes things or that solidifies things, I don't think
(08:24):
that's true inherently.
Speaker 5 (08:26):
Yeah, for me, I need to be able to pick
out the socks at the funeral, you know, most importantly,
Like I need to be able to have security legally.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Yeah, I hear it, and I get that if you
have kids, but you can draw all that stuff up,
you could do all that.
Speaker 6 (08:42):
They say it's not as not that the reason she
get married is because of this, But they say it's
not as as secure as you think it is. Like
we can have a baby together and I think I'm good,
and then he dies and out you're sure A.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Lawyer, I mean, like I know somebody, for example, who
had a They were never engaged, so you can't say wedlock,
but they she got pressed. They tried to make it work,
it didn't work. They decided to separate or she left
or whatever, but it was it got to the point
where it was amicable. They went to an attorney. They
drew up some paperwork for the kid. You know, who's
going to have what responsibilities, and you know, I guess whatever.
(09:15):
And then so it's like it's not just really nilly,
like okay, well you can have her on Wednesday and
then he doesn't come around, or if something happens this, no,
it's all drawn out. It's good to go legally. If
something happens, God forbid, they know what they're going to
do and boom they move on. So I think, you know,
you can do that. You could do all that I
could come up with.
Speaker 4 (09:34):
You probably could.
Speaker 6 (09:35):
I think a lot of people when it comes to marriage,
I think a lot of people, you know, do it
for different reasons. Right, Some people do it because it
maybe might feel pressured by society or their family.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Right.
Speaker 6 (09:44):
Some people might just do it because they think it's
the right next step, like we were talking about.
Speaker 4 (09:48):
People I think have their reasons.
Speaker 6 (09:49):
I think unfortunately, a lot of people do it for
the wrong reasons, and that's why it doesn't work out.
They still want to, you know, creep and do this
and that, or I think something mentally changes in people's
minds when they get married, where they're like, oh shit,
like I made this decision, this choice.
Speaker 4 (10:03):
Now I'm locked in.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Nobody else for the rest of my life. And then
it's like when you go to the dentist when you
were a kid. I don't know if you guys ever
experienced this. Did you ever have to rinse to that
fluoride stuff and then you couldn't eat for like two
hours afterwards? Whatever it is?
Speaker 6 (10:16):
Yeah, and Iah and I had never been more hungry
in my life, my life.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
I had to have it. I had to eat right now.
I had to have it, you know. But I wasn't
hungry until they told me I couldn't eat, and then
it was all of a sudden. I don't know why
that's the example that I think of, because I don't
think you don't have to do it as a grown up.
I think it's just a kid thing. But anyway, I get.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
It painted on the flooride and they still asked me
to not.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
Oh really, I don't know that I've ever because I
usually reward myself for going to the dentist with some
absolute garbage food. I usually reward myself daily with some
absolute garbage food. But yeah, it's amazing how you can
come up with ways to justify anything for anything, like
as a grown ass man, I can, Oh, you know
what I should tell I get McDonald's today because I
went to work. I arrived at the office and I
(10:59):
did my job, and so I think I should have
a treat.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Hey, some days you should get a reward for that.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
When I go to the doctor, I still go. I
hated the doctor. I had meningitis when I was a kid.
I was three years old. I was in the hospital
for a month. I'm conditioned. I hate it. I smell
a doctor's office, I smell a hospital. It's a vistal reaction.
It is all psychological. I have volunteered in at the hospitals.
I've tried every exposure therapy. I've tried everything to get
over it. It will not change. God forbid, I ever
have to go to the hospital, you may as well
(11:26):
just take me. Just take me, Lord, just take me
like the pope, because I don't even want to go there.
I don't want to go there. But but my mom
used to bribe me. It was like, if you go
get your shots, or you go to the doctor for
your just whatever. Then I'll take you a toy store afterwards.
And we did that through my twenties basically, and so
(11:47):
now I reward myself. I have to go to the
doctor on Wednesday, and it is like the least it
is an FAA medical It is the least intrusive thing.
They basically look at you and go, you look fine
to me, and then off you go. Go fly a plane,
just don't flip it over on its back. And I
will still by myself a present on Wednesday for doing
it as a grown ass man, as you should. But
(12:08):
it's kind of ridiculous, like we sometimes we just got
to do stuff because we're grown ups, you know what
I mean. Anyway, Yeah, I don't know. And people hear
this and they're like, well, that's why you're not married. No,
it's not true. I'm not married because I haven't met
somebody I should be married to. That's that's a fact.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
No one should be saying to anyone that's why you're
not married, like I.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Did scream that from the mountaintops.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Well, people think I'm a weirdo because I'm eccentric and
because I have this platform and I but I am
a weirdo, like I'm an eccentric person. I have crazy thoughts,
what I know, But I've never one time said I'm
a normal person. In fact, one of us are. I
embrace the fact that I'm different, and I embrace the
fact that I'm not going to be for most people,
I'm really not. And it used to make me feel bad,
(12:50):
you know, like you didn't like my sense of humor
or you didn't you didn't like this, didn't like that.
It used to make me feel bad like, oh well,
maybe I should be more normal or something. Now fuck that.
Sorry if you don't. And it doesn't mean you can
like be a you know, hateful, mean, terrible human being.
I think people you can't justify it that way, but
I asked it so I have a sense of humor
(13:10):
that's not for everybody, Like okay, I mean I'm not
gonna I.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
Mean, honestly, no real like you're in your I don't care,
Era Paulina is in hers.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
But you know, you know that I struggle with and
my therapist here's this every Monday. I struggle with being
accountable for the things that I do that might upset
other people, and also being myself, like I have a
very hard time because I definitely think there are people
in my life lately it's been a theme there are
(13:41):
people that are not part of my life anymore. And
and believe it or not, the first thing I do
is look to myself and say, well, what did I do?
I must it must be one hundred percent on me.
I must have done it, cause it's kind of a
phase like the l I can tell you in the
last twelve to eighteen months, like some people have gone
and I've let them go, oh, or I've gone from
them and no, but I mean it's kind of like
(14:05):
I'm not gonna say a lot of people, but it's
a number of people more than I've ever probably sort
of parted ways with in my whole life. And I
go to my therapist and I'm like, this is a theme,
and it must be on me. I'm the jackass, I'm
the asshole. What am I doing wrong? And I guess
her thing is to focus more on, well, what if
it's not all on you? Like what if it is
(14:26):
a little bit on you, but what if it's a
little bit on them too? And what if it's just
you know, what are these similar qualities, and when you
break it down, I've noticed that a lot of the
qualities are the same is that I was in quote
unquote friendships with people who didn't give two fucks about me.
The only way those friendships there were a couple of them,
and the only way they worked is if it was
(14:46):
about them. And as long as it was about them
and they were happy with what I was giving them,
then we were fine. And the second that they weren't
for whatever reason, didn't matter what the reason was, we
forget everything that was the foundation of the friendship and
it's fuck you, that's not a friend. No, no, So
like I could be wrong in situations that led to
(15:07):
this happening, but a friend would say, yeah, you were wrong, there,
let's talk about it. If I was right, if I
was wrong. But the fact that in many of these
situations there was no conversation. It was just discarding, you know,
just you're gone or whatever. It's like, that's not a friend.
But I do tend to look at myself and say, well,
what what am I doing that's driving these people away?
(15:29):
And it's like, maybe you're just figuring out that there's
a lot in your life that's not even and I
do think that's true.
Speaker 6 (15:38):
Yes, or life has elevated for you in some way.
Take that as you will. Things have changed for you
right in your life. And you know, the more like
that comes to you, the more that you get. I
think people sort of show like their true colors. They
usually say it happens with like career changes, right, or
like if you get married or have a kid, like
things change. Like I think that's true to some extent.
(15:59):
And I think you're going through that. They said, what
twelve twelve months, eighteen months.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
It's definitely been that clock sounds right? Yeah, yeah, I
think I don't know, I've there's definitely definitely been a
reevaluation of ye, who's in my life, why they're in
my life, what my role was and what their role was,
and like when you break it down, it's like, well,
wait a minute, even if I did fuck up, like
I wasn't even worth it. It wasn't even worth a conversation,
Like it wasn't even worth some grace, like the trust me.
(16:26):
Like I've had friends my whole life and we don't
fight with a lot of them. I don't. I don't
fight with a lot of them. But like if I did,
we would have a conversation about it. Before I would
just say, fuck off, you're not you're not. You don't
get to beat part of my life anymore. Like we
I think we would have a lot of conversations, but
you know what I mean, before I would eliminate someone.
But it's amazing how quickly certain people able to just
(16:48):
discard others. And the theme seems to be when you
start to break it down, like wait a minute, when's
the last time you asked if I was okay? When's
the last time you asked if When's a lot of
time we celebrated my success, Like when's the last time
you asked one fucking question about me? And then you
start to think, well, wait a minute, maybe maybe I
(17:08):
even if I did do something wrong, like that's not
somebody who's looking at me through a lens that I
want them to look at me anyway. That's not somebody
who values me, right, because if it's just that easy
to be like, well, did get out of here? But
I think you know the truth of the matter is
I sit around all day and I think about all
the ways that I'm I'm unlikable, or that I'm or
that the problems that I'm having interpersonally are one hundred
(17:31):
percent on me, and I beat myself up about it,
and I feel like, maybe I need to do a
little bit less of that. Maybe I don't know.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
I'm going through that with a friend right now. And
I started to realize it.
Speaker 3 (17:43):
And then it's crazy how long you can go with
someone like before you realize it, but then the second
that you do realize it, it hits you like a
ton of bricks. And so I went back through our
text to figure out, like, when was the last time
that anything was, you know, that that anyone had reached
out to me for any reason other than needing some thing.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
And I was scrolling and scrolling. I'm like, wait, fuck,
I've been carrying this.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
I've done the same thing so long I haven't noticed
because I'm sick.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
I've done the same thing. I've done the same thing.
I've looked back, I've looked back on communication and been like,
holy shit, like nowhere in here was there anything about me.
Like in one case, I was in a terrible relationship
that took me to low's I've never experienced before, and
I realized that this person who was supposedly one of
(18:30):
my best friends, didn't even know, didn't even know I
was in the relationship or that I was in that place,
didn't even know. How would you call me a friend
and you don't even know, I mean, you don't even
bother to fucking ask, And so then you have to
go like, Okay, well, maybe it's not entirely on me
as a guy who wants to be accountable. And then
(18:51):
I think, well, I could call this person and just
take the sword and be like, my bad on everything.
I don't even know what I to be honest, I
don't even know what I did, but I'm sorry for
all of it. But then what's the point in that,
because then you just go right back to the way
it was. I had to call you and take the
sword and tell you everything was my fault and you're
the greatest thing ever and I'm so sorry. That's what
I had to do to get you back in my
(19:12):
life again. Like, that's that's not a friendship.
Speaker 3 (19:15):
Yeah, for me, it's like and I don't know if
past stuff has affected you that way as well, but
for me, it's like I always thought that you had
to earn people's love or like that you had to like,
you know, to be good enough for the love instead
of it being unconditional. So for me, that's why I
said I'm sick, because I'm I'm still conditioned to go, oh,
I have to earn this. I have to do this
for you to love me unconditionally, or this for you
(19:36):
to love me unconditionally and keep you know, I work
for it essentially, And then I realized, wait, like you
are sick.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
You don't have to earn anyone's love.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
If someone loves you unconditionally, they love you unconditionally. So
I don't know if your past has affected you in
that way as.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
Well, but yeah has for me.
Speaker 3 (19:52):
You just want to like because you don't you have
a band, I have abandonment issues, so I don't want
that person to leave. So if I'm only like, if
I'm the perfect friend, if I'm the perfect, the perfect
that then you won't leave.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
But like, people shouldn't be leaving for small reasons like that.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
You know, well they're just yes and you know, believe
it or not. Like in a couple of these cases,
I've sat down and like made a like my grandfather
with any decision used to tell me pros and cons,
like literally sit down and draw a line down the
middle of the paper and write the pros and cons
out of every decision that you're making or every scenario
you find yourself in where there's you know, where it
(20:25):
could go one way or the other, and look at
it like in writing. Force your brain to do that.
And I've done that with some of these relationships. And
it's like I hate to quantify friendships, but since we're here, okay, fine,
let me quantify some of these relationships. And it's like,
this is all the stuff I've done for you, and
this is all the stuff I thought I brought to
your life, and this is the stuff that I've gotten
(20:46):
back and it's completely uneven. But yet you you think
that I'm the asshole, you know what I mean. It's
just like wait a minute, hold on a second, Like
I don't know, it's sad, but I really, you know,
ten minutes later, I really struggle believe it or not.
People who know me well know this, but you can
(21:07):
you can. No one could ever be harder on me
than I am on myself inside every day, Like nobody.
Like if you think if you think you're punishing me,
fuck you, because there's you cannot possibly punish me the
way I punish myself. And if you know that I'm
doing that, if you know me well enough to know
I'm punishing myself for something that you have some control over,
well then fuck you again. You know what I mean,
(21:27):
because you're you're letting me do it. And I own that, right,
I own that. But like, if you know that about
me and you just let it happen, like and you
just kind of sit there and smile, like, what does
that say about you? I don't know, But I really
struggle every day with that, like what part of what
part of what goes wrong and what part of what
goes right is am I responsible for versus someone else?
(21:50):
And most of what goes wrong I take full blame
on and I have my whole life, I know where
it comes from. But it's like I can't do that anymore.
I just can't do it anymore. And if it means
I wind up with two or three people in my
life and that's it, then I guess that's I guess
that's where I wind up. It's because I guess, you know,
but I'm sure there are other people going, well, the
guy's an asshole. It's like, Okay, I mean, I know
(22:14):
you know that's not true, but okay, you know, I
mean that's kind of where I have to be, I guess,
because if you step if you take a step back,
and you wait for other people to say I value you,
I want to fix this, and they don't, well, then
you know you're not valued, right, you know, you know
that you no longer are serving your utility for that
person anymore. And the moment that you're not doing something
for them, then they're not. They don't care about you anymore.
(22:36):
And I think that tells you everything, doesn't it.
Speaker 5 (22:38):
Oh yeah? And some people wait for the moment, They
wait for that moment where they know that they can
play victim to you because they know that you care,
so they know that how to weaponize that in that
moment and like, oh, he'll come running back, because.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
You know, there is almost nothing that and I know
where this comes from, same place. There is almost nothing
that infuriates me more than a fake victim. If you
want to know the thing that really gets to me,
it's the person that had a role in their situation
and blames it on everybody else and takes no accountability.
I That is my number one Yes, and I too,
(23:13):
Oh boy, does that just get me at the core.
It's like, you honestly don't think that you had anything
to do with this situation. You like everybody else, it's
everybody else's fault all the time. You know, it's this person,
and then when that person's gone, and now it's this person,
or it's that person, or it's it's gotta be somebody
else all the time. And those are the people who
(23:35):
should probably be doing what I'm doing, which is really
looking inside and beating the shit out of themselves to
figure out why that is. And again, that doesn't mean
I've been perfect with everybody. I haven't. It doesn't mean
I haven't made mistakes. It doesn't mean I, you know,
don't that I live my life the way that everybody
thinks I should know. But I mean it's a give
and take. And when there's no when it's only taken,
(23:55):
there's zero give, then I guess I guess I can
forgive myself in those situations and give myself some grace
because I just I just can't do it. Like I can't.
Nothing is one side. Nothing is one hundred percent one
sided nothing, you know, And I try and I try
and put that in perspective with my friends are like
telling me about their relationship problems or whatever. Of course
(24:17):
you want to. You want to just lean right into
the person that you love, because usually there's one person
that you're more invested in the other, and you want
to tell them all the things, Yeah, fuck that person,
fuck that, fuck that, but maybe not because you know
it's not. You also have to realize that it's not
one hundred percent one sided. Some some things are, but
like it averages out to being a lot more fifty
(24:37):
to fifty I feel like, or closer closer to the middle.
It's like, yeah, that terrible thing that she did. But
then so you didn't do anything right, you know what
I mean? Like, so I just before I tell you
to tell this person to fuck off, like you like
you're pristine in this and the answer is usually not
that you know so. And I feel like people, and
some of these same people will seek advice only from
(24:59):
the people who tell them what they want to hear,
and not from the people who will be even handed
with them. I've noticed that too, which is which is
what enables this behavior. Right the second that they feel
like someone's not blowing them, then it's all just go
find someone else who blows me, because I didn't really
care about this friendship anyway. Anyway, the other things that
people lie about these are dumb. I think this is
(25:23):
what we talked about was way better.
Speaker 5 (25:24):
But way better.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
The relationship lies that men tell women the lawn is
too wet to mow. I used to do that when
I was a kid, when I had to mow the lawn,
be like, oh, the sprinklers went off last night, so
I can't do it. Because if you ever tried to
mow a wet lawn, it like GE's caught in the
fucking thing. Let me see here. When a man says
(25:46):
that he understands just so that someone will move on,
I will say, sometimes that's just the thing to do. Now,
you can't don't say that you understand if you don't
intend to check ange the behavior or adjust, because I
that's what my dad does. My dad is My dad
(26:07):
will be like, sure, I'll do that, or I got it,
or I hear you, and that's the advice he gives
me sometimes when because she and I are very similar,
so it will be like, just tell her, just tell
her you got it. And then but I'm like, but
I don't got it. I don't got it. So what
you're that's why you're in the doghouse all the time
because you just say sure, you're sure to get her
to stop talking, and then you don't actually do the thing,
(26:28):
and then you want to know where the resentment comes from.
And I love my dad, but it's like, so I
don't know. Maybe don't say that you understand, or don't
say that you're going to change if you don't fully
understand what or don't intend to do it, because I
think that just builds the resentment to where you got
bigger problems. I don't know what there is, he said,
(26:51):
dumb that I heard her the first time you did? Well, yeah,
you probably did again. If you did, then do the
thing and then we don't have to hear about it anymore. Hmm.
I don't know. What do you guys lie about rather
than this thing? What would you say you lie about
in your relationships regularly?
Speaker 4 (27:10):
My package is like why I'm getting so many Amazon packages?
It's for the baby? Or I ordered you some more deodorant.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
No I didn't.
Speaker 4 (27:17):
I ordered some shoes, I ordered the TikTok shop.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Okay, so you lie about the stuff that's coming in. Yeah, OK, and.
Speaker 4 (27:24):
Then he sees the credit card, so I still get caught.
But in the moment, I'm gonna lie.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
I mean, you guys are all in relationships, and I'm
not what do you Jason, what do you lie about?
I don't know. I'm trying to think there's nothing that
you just sort of appease him with just because it's like,
fuck it. I know this isn't right, but I don't
want to deal with it.
Speaker 5 (27:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 7 (27:41):
I mean, if it's stuff from the house, like I'll
either say that I'm going to do something knowing damn
well I'm not going to, or that I did something
that I didn't like.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
I don't know. I feel like you're better off just
saying no, because if you say yeah, I'm gonna do it,
then you don't do it, That's then now we have
like double resentment because you didn't do it and you
told me you were gonna do it and didn't do it. Yeah. Probably.
Speaker 7 (28:04):
I'm just I feel like, when like I have to
lie like that, like I just get so flustered that
I just like be saying stuff that don't make that
makes no damn sense.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
You know what about you k what do you lie
about in your relationship?
Speaker 5 (28:15):
Not much, but I do try to act fake, like
fake fake, acting interested in whatever he's talking about or
whatever he's watching. Like I'll be like, oh my god, yes,
like woo, that's crazy. I'm not paying attention to anything.
I haven't heard a word you say.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
It, Okay, I do that all the time, all right, klin.
Speaker 3 (28:33):
I'm a horrible liar. Anyone who knows me knows that
you can tell right away. But I will say my boyfriend,
who's an amazing cook, we have different views on how
much like seasoning should be in food, and sometimes he
can be a little over salty. But if you made
me an entire meal, I'm going to lie and say
it's the best mate ever.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
But he can sometimes.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
Tell, you know, if you're doing all that work, I
am never going to complain about what am I like
to al Bundy, like you know, throwing the plate my housewife.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
You know that's a small concession. Honestly, it's like someone's
doing something for you. I mean, and you've said it
to him like kindly, like, hey, you know it's a
little salty.
Speaker 3 (29:09):
Well, he always asked because he wants you know, he
wants hard notes on what he made.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
But for me, I'm like, I don't believe in that.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
If somebody thought of you and made you food, I'm
not going to tell you that it's too salty for me.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
I'm just going to eat it and smile. Just blow pressure,
right right.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Meanwhile, Yeah, I guess it's like it would be one
thing if you if you never told him the truth
and lied every time, because then the argument from the
other side could be, well, if you just told me,
then I wouldn't do that anymore. But yet if you
said it and you've tried, and the behavior is not
going to change, but it's not really hurting anybody, and
the intent is good because that's something I think people
(29:44):
forget about all the time. People don't for whatever reason,
they don't like and they don't want to think about intent.
Speaker 3 (29:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
It's so weird. It's like, like, think about what you're
mad about for one minute, Like think about it. Like
you're pissed off that someone said this. Okay, that's fair.
You're allowed to have your feelings hurt about whatever. But
I would urge you to then sit back for one second.
And thing is this person somebody who's known to hurt
me Is this person known to be shitty to other people?
(30:11):
Is this a person who, in my history of knowing them,
does things that I know for a fact are trying
to upset me? And if the answer is no most
of the time or all of the time, then maybe
they deserve some grace. I don't know. Maybe you know
so like in this case, the intent is to make
you happy, You've already brought it up. Isn't that really
going to change? You know, He's still coming at it
(30:33):
trying to please you. So is it really worth the
complaint of the argument. No, it's not. It's just not.
But I don't think people ask themselves that question very often, insights.
I don't think they ask is this Is this going
to be as big of a deal in a week
or two as it is right now? Is this going
to be a big as big of a deal in
an hour as it is right now? You know? And
I'm guilty of that. I'll get all fired up about something,
(30:55):
and an hour later I'm not nearly as fired up
about it, but I fired off a bunch of emails
and a bunch of text and fuck it, I'm gonna
fix this, you know. And then an hour later I'm like,
I'm not even mad about it anymore. And then people
are coming back now, you know, because it took them
a minute to respond. It's like, oh whoa, whoahoa, hold on,
you know, and now you're calm down, so you're right,
so you feel stupid. Yeah, I think that's another thing.
I think some of these situations. I mean, now I
(31:16):
think the people know they're wrong, and and so they're
not and they don't. Again, I'm not worth them coming
back and telling me that they were wrong, So either way,
I'm not worth it, right, So either way to them
at least, So that tells me everything I need to know.
But it's like, when I look at some of these situations,
I'm going, you don't you know damn well, I would
(31:36):
not do anything purposefully to fuck you up. You know that?
Like you know that if you look at years and
years of our friendship, what part of that has ever
shown you that I'm a shit human being? Probably not
much of it. I mean, you know, I'm not perfect whatever,
and but yet I'm it's still not worth it to you,
So I don't know, So fuck you. Hey man, you Jason.
(32:02):
I know it's Monday and not Friday. But what fuck you?
So not a full one because Friday, at about nine
forty five, when the mice come off, Jason gives us
the most glorious fuck you, and it's a it's almost
it's like a it's like an a cappella song. It's
music to my ears. My Friday cannot begin until I've
heard Jason's fuck you. But it's only Monday.
Speaker 4 (32:24):
Yes, I know, it's got to wait five more days fuck.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
You, so we can't do sexy fuck you starting, Okay,
all right, anyway, people lie, that's the tangent. One of
these somethings are ridiculous. Oh wait, that's fun fact. Never mind,
I was I had two lists open, and I'm like,
what the fuck is that on here? Well, that's because
(32:48):
it has nothing to do with this. I already closed
the other one. Anyway, there's the tang And if you
listen to this whole thing, thank you, and you must
be a fan. So if you would make this a
preset on the iHeart app and then if you could
make the station where you listen to us and UH
and uh our our normal podcast, the Fred Show on demand,
if you'd make that appreciate too, we would love it.
Have a great day.
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Decisions, Decisions
Welcome to "Decisions, Decisions," the podcast where boundaries are pushed, and conversations get candid! Join your favorite hosts, Mandii B and WeezyWTF, as they dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often-taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday, Mandii and Weezy invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, they share their personal journeys navigating their 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engaging in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that resonate with your experiences, "Decisions, Decisions" is your go-to source for open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections—tune in and join the conversation!