March 13, 2025 • 22 mins
Can a relationship survive after betrayal? Pastors Jerome and Erica Glenn believe it can! In today’s show, the Glenns discuss how a marriage can be repaired even after infidelity, but it requires a strategic approach. This process cannot be casual; instead, it must be intentional and consistent. We should reflect on how we reached this point and acknowledge that both partners must make a deliberate decision to want the marriage and each other. Behind that decision lies the need for intentional actions and commitment.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ready to get back into relationship talk Thursday with the
power couple of the Glenn's pastors, Jamon and Erica Glenn.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
How many books have you guys written, because.
Speaker 3 (00:09):
A lot?
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Yeah, the books all on four on relationships, right Yeah, okay, cool,
cool cool.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
So you got.
Speaker 4 (00:18):
Cass marriage Monday on all podcast platforms. Okay, where we
spent when it's fifty something episodes where we.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Talk all time.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
It's very, very transparent.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
So this is not new to them. As I just
didn't pulled somebody to be on the radio. This is
you know, they're qualified. They have been a sign for
such a time as this. All right, so we want.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
To talk about a deep topic.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
I much needed topic.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
As we were talking off air and you says this
is happening a lot. Can a relationship survive after betrayal?
Speaker 5 (00:53):
Yeah, we believe that it can survive after betrayal, after infidelity.
It's just has to be very It has to be strategic.
It can't be something that is just kind of you know,
we're gonna deal with it when we when we can.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
It has to have a strategy.
Speaker 5 (01:10):
It has to be consistent, it has to have I
won't say questioning, but questions because we have to ask
ourselves how did we get here? And people have to
make a decision. They have to make a decision that
they want their marriage, that they want their spouse, and
behind that decision comes some intentionality that happens.
Speaker 4 (01:33):
Yeah, and not only infidelity, even though we kept running
into that one, a big one, But betrayal is man
betrail happens before infidelity, right, So people think that infidelity
is where that's actually like the that's not the source,
that's the symptom, symptom, you know, that's the that's an
action or an attribute. But there's a lot of people
(01:56):
that haven't had infidelity that still feel like they've been betrayed,
betrayed from honesty, vulnerability, trust, security protection, information, hiding, manipulation,
lack of sex, lack of meeting my needs, lack of
being honest, being being truthful, being transparent, coming coming forth
(02:17):
with being forthright, you know, with information. So we always
go right to infidelity to think that that's the ultimate betrayal,
and for some people in may, but for other people,
there's other betrayals that's happening that people don't think are
as big.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
That's really eating.
Speaker 4 (02:33):
At the fabric of your relationship and deteriorating the relationship
on the inside out.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
And by the time infidelity has taken place long ago.
Speaker 4 (02:43):
You had an emotional affair long before you had an
actual affair. You had a relationship with somebody that you
trusted and told your truth more than you told your spouse.
Somebody else was got got the good news first because
you know, they responded to you in a certain way
and you just were drained, so you were an autopilot
in your own relationship. Because it betrayal happens and it's
(03:07):
never communicated and never fought to restore. Then people think
the ultimate betrayal is in fidelity. I'm not gonna rank
it because that's based on every relationship, but I will
say that there's many betrayals that people don't discuss that
are bigger than the one everybody's focused because the question
is if we got there, how did we get that?
Speaker 3 (03:28):
I'm sure those baby steps that exactly exactly.
Speaker 4 (03:31):
You know, the scripture says not to be preachy, but
this is a gospel radio show. Proverse twenty eight and
thirteen says that whoever conceals their sins does not prosper,
and whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the
one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. And so
in our relationship we talk about we don't have secrets
(03:53):
like we transparently, honestly from history to now, we don't
have any secrets among each other. But that because we
can be trusted with each other without feeling insecure, without feeling.
Speaker 5 (04:05):
Like being brought up in a moment of vulnerability right
or in an argument and I'm about to bring this
back up that you shared with me. And when your
spouse doesn't feel secure, then they're not going to reveal
or tell you everything they're truth because most of the time,
what I tell women is that you know sometime if
a man is being if he's trying to be transparent
(04:26):
with you and he's trying to talk to you, he's
only going to tell you twenty percent of what exactly happens,
just to see what your reaction is going to be.
And if you start blowing up after the little bit
that he showed that he just revealed to you, he's
not going to tell and tell you anything else. So
you really, if he tells you something, just know since
it's only twenty percent he didn't even give you the
(04:46):
rest of it, because he's like, she can't even handle that,
and to me as an individual, not because I live here,
not because my husband does that. But I don't know
if I could even exist in a relationship where I
could not be transparent or trust the place that is
supposed to be my safe space.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
I can't.
Speaker 5 (05:08):
I can't. I can't tell you what I'm feeling without
you getting in your emotions, feeling a certain kind like
this is my feeling, this is about you, this is
not about you. And it's like that's a dangerous space
to be married and not be able to tell your
spouse everything. And I don't know, I think right, I
(05:29):
think when I got before I met my husband and
I knew I wanted to be married, I was like,
I need him to be able to tell me the
most uncomfortable things in the world, because I don't ever
want him to come out of this relationship looking to
find a space where he can be accepted.
Speaker 4 (05:46):
But I think that's the speed of our relationship because
in intention, in the beginning, we were friends.
Speaker 3 (05:52):
Yeah, and some because we were.
Speaker 4 (05:54):
Friends, I found myself confiding in you in a way
that I hadn't confided in anyone else. Speed or trust
was immediate. You was grown, You was be sure, you
were safe space. You didn't flinch. You understood that what
I was telling you, you could handle it, and even
and maybe you could handle it because it's like this,
this ain't my man. So maybe that's where it was
(06:14):
at the beginning, but it carried on in our relationship,
and I appreciate that friendship and that ability to be
to be transparent.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
You guys are really passionate about it.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
I hear the passion even when you communicated with each other,
there's a passion about talking about relationship.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Yeah, this is really good, and you guys are passionate.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
So I love that we're gonna come back and talk
about forgiveness versus reconciliation healing.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
It actually takes time. It really does take time.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
You know when a relationship has when there's betrayal and
infidelity in your relationship. We'll be back Relationship Talk Thursday.
We do welcome your questions and comments, so hit us
up right now. Inspiration thirteen ninety Family, It is Relationship Thursday.
(07:00):
I love the power the passion that's coming through today
from pastors Damon and Erica Glenn of New Life, And
I know you guys have really I'm quite sure you've
coached a lot of couples through betrayal and infidelity, and
so you can really speak to us about somebody listening
today maybe going through this and they're trying to figure
this thing out. Forgiveness versus reconciliation, what do you start
(07:25):
with this?
Speaker 4 (07:25):
I mean, forgiveness is not an option, especially if you're
a believer, and even if you're not a believer. People
that are non believers, people that are non believers still
find a clean slate in forgiveness, Like who wants to
carry that? Who wants to be trapped in a prison
and realize you're the prisoner because of unforgiveness. So forgiveness
isn't really the option. Reconciliation that's what comes with the process.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
I get it right.
Speaker 4 (07:50):
So just because I can forgive you any relationship doesn't
mean I need to put you back in the same
space without pros that your behavior has change or your
belief system has changed. Not that I'm like testing you
or making you jump through hoops, but I do want
to be in a poster or position where I give
(08:11):
clear expectations and try to work towards a resolution that
proves that your behavior has changed, because no matter what
I tell myself, if I don't see a proof and
belief and proof and behavior of change, I'm not really
gonna let my shoulders down to relax in the context
of this relationship because I see the same patterns and
the same stuff. But I have to make sure I'm
(08:32):
not blaming you if I'm trapped in the old belief
system that thinks that you haven't changed or you won't change.
I gotta give you real parameters so I can give
you opportunity to prove that change in belief and behavior.
And I keep saying both because you can't behave beyond
your belief. The belief and behavior has actually changed as
(08:53):
we move towards reconciliation. But forgiveness, I four give you.
It's already done. I don't have to. I don't have
time to.
Speaker 3 (09:01):
Know with that.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
I gotta let that go.
Speaker 4 (09:03):
People don't get through the first stage of forgiveness, let
alone reconcilia.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Yeah, And I think that people, especially women.
Speaker 5 (09:11):
I think for the most part, you know have this
place that you forgive. You know what they say, I'm
gonna forgive but I ain't gonna forget, you know what
I'm saying, I'm gonna forget what I'm gonna forget. And
there is a little true to that, you know. But
you know, forgiveness I found, you know, forgiveness with intelligence,
which which means that you know, I forgive you, but
(09:33):
I got to I might need to dumby down on
or or or kind of settle down on what I'm forgiving,
like what happened, what went on? And I think for
some people, I know that you are supposed to instantly forgive,
but I think when they have that difficulty or they
hidden up against that wall that they can't forgive, I
think it's because there are some other questions that they
(09:55):
might want to ask that they didn't ask. And so
it's right. And so it's like, you know, you get
at that place of forgiveness, something up and then on
top of that, exactly it's the trigger. It's the trigger
maybe from an old relationship or this is the same
thing that keeps happening to me versus you know. Yes,
but if you forgive this person and you're in this relationship,
(10:17):
it can go somewhere differently than than the other one.
But if you don't give that first initial forgiveness. With
intelligence being grown, being being sober minded and not being
emotional about it, you could you could get past the betrayal.
You can get past the infidelity. But you have to
be intelligent about this forgiveness giving exactly what am I
(10:41):
forgiving you for? And what are you deciding to not
do again? Because forgiveness well, repentance. I'm sorry, that's repentance.
I'm sorry to take that off the table. That ain't
This is Jesus, that's Jesus exactly.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
It's on me.
Speaker 4 (10:56):
And I think people don't forgive because the other persons
other than repent it. Yep, there's a difference. So you
want me to forgive you, that's big of me, and
I can do that. But have you which means there's
a change in your belief and a change in your behavior.
Repentance is not forgiveness. Forgiveness does come from me, and
(11:19):
I can forgive you, But have you repented? Have you
decided to change your belief and your behavior, and then
we can have a reconciliation.
Speaker 5 (11:30):
That's it's It's about what is your belief system?
Speaker 4 (11:36):
Because because if I chase down, that's a great question,
because if I chase down your behavior without asking why
did you do it in the first place? What do
you believe about that? What made that okay? What made
that okay for you to hide money? What made that
okay for you to have a stash on the side?
Where'd you get that from? Right? Because you because are
you sorry because you got caught? Why are you sorry
(11:57):
because you realize it was wrong? Who taught you that behavior?
Speaker 1 (12:01):
Like?
Speaker 3 (12:01):
Where did adam? Where are you? You know?
Speaker 4 (12:03):
Who told you to hide yourself? Like I can see you?
Who told you to do it? Where did that idea
come from?
Speaker 3 (12:08):
Who thought?
Speaker 4 (12:09):
Who told you to have a work wife? Who thought
that you should have a work husband? Like why did
y'all get so cool that y'all was hanging out after
work and you was telling me you were still at work,
but y'all was really at dinner.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
It's a whole card.
Speaker 3 (12:19):
Who put her in your who said you should ride
with her? In your current? Who told you that that
was a good idea?
Speaker 4 (12:25):
So you can I can forgive you for doing it,
but I really want to know why was you comfortable
enough to get How did you get there? Because if
you don't tell me what your belief system is around
the behavior you're gonna behave there again. So you're so
caught up in asking me to forgive you. I can
do that, but have you repented, because if you haven't
(12:47):
decided to change, repent, turn, turn from your WICKI ways,
you know what I'm saying, Uh, search your heart. If
you haven't decided to do that, we're gonna be here again.
It may be a different face in a different name,
but it'll be the same situation and we can't reconcile
unless you repent. But I can forgive you and I
(13:08):
can move on and go on.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Okay, well that's a good question, because we got a
question should you stay or walk away after infidelity?
Speaker 2 (13:14):
How do you know the diction? We'll come back.
Speaker 4 (13:16):
Oh she was like, well, we're gonna come back and
answer those questions on Relationship Talk Thursday.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
It's raising thirteen ninety family. It's Relationship Talk Thursday.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
The power couple is annoying to do what they're doing
today and all the time, this is what they do
pretty much all the time. Is a coach coach not counsel,
but they coach it gos and you know, whether married
or dating, and today is a great, great topic. I'm
learning a lot even as I'm listening about betrayal in
a relationship. How forgiveness is just not enough. Repentance definitely
(14:00):
has to come into play. And maybe that ties into
this question should you stay or walk away after infidelity?
How do you know the difference?
Speaker 5 (14:10):
So, I mean, we already stated and agreed that your
marriage or your relationship can survive after infidelity, but I
think we don't talk enough about when people should walk away.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
Yeah, I mean, I know it.
Speaker 5 (14:27):
It breaks your heart, and we always tell people, you know,
do everything that you can, like everything that you can
to salvage your marriage, and it may take some time.
But I think that these are some reasons or maybe
some things that will help to well that kind of
help you decide if you should walk away. The first one,
(14:49):
if the partner doesn't apologize, they don't acknowledge their behavior,
they don't want to change, there's no repentance. Another one
is your partner won't agree to any kind of counseling,
not a life anybody's other, anybody who is wise and
smart to come in and to help and guide, because
you've gone this far together and that hasn't worked. And
(15:10):
so you need to bring someone with more wisdom and
guidance to help you. Another one is your partner doesn't
show a desire to put in the work for the relationship,
because one person cannot be in a marriage working and
the other person not work. Also, both of you have
to work together. The next one is your partner still
in contact with the other person. This is dealing with infidelity.
(15:35):
But if they're still there's no change. They're still talking
to them, they're still d ning them all of the
stuff that they were doing. And the last one is
your partner doesn't seem to commit to your relationship. If
they don't want the relationship. I don't care how much
you want it. If they don't want it. You can't
make anybody want you or their relationship. You can't make them.
(15:58):
You just can't. It's heartbreaking, But that person has to
make a decision. Like we said earlier, you know, I
think a couple of segments ago we talked about that
love is a decision and that you have to make
that decision. You have to make the decision to be
in your relationship and to love your partner.
Speaker 4 (16:13):
That th ain't hurt, babe, But you're right. I can't
even disagree. You know, I'm an inecessor for a marriage.
I don't want to see it fail. I don't want
to see it break up. I want you to fight
for it. I want you to be engaged and invested.
But I can't say nothing but amen. So please don't
do anything that she said, like, do not be so
(16:36):
unwilling to do those things that are necessary. If you
the one that caused the infraction, then get to work.
Don't be standing there like like you got a leg
to stand on if you called the infraction. You got
to do the work if you believe in your relationship,
because everything she just said is one hundred percent legit
(16:58):
reasons why you should walk.
Speaker 3 (17:00):
All right, that's.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
A great question. Thank you so much for that. We
also welcome your questions.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
There was another one that came in, have you ever
experienced infidelity? Asking you guys and then we'll come back
and answer that question and close out the show.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Pestic Glenn was.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
About to say something, We're gonna hold hold that thoughts, sir,
We're gonna come back.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Relationship thirsday.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
Men versus women, they handle it differently like the man
versus you know, the woman being betrayed or manly versus
like is there a different like most definitely, we.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
Are not wired. We can't take it.
Speaker 4 (17:45):
It's I mean, guys will cheat or have infidelity and
their wife or woman, there's an expectation almost that what
forgive me?
Speaker 3 (17:56):
I ain't do not's the big deal.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
It was just this say.
Speaker 4 (18:01):
You know has taught women in some spect man gone cheat,
he gonna whatever. So there's a lolo low bar for him,
and he almost has an expectation that she should never
act the food that she gonna forgive him. But did
she do something? We're not wired for it. We're not
We can't comprehend somebody else was up in there, you
(18:22):
know what I mean? Like what you mean, who's been
sleeping in my bed? You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
It's like you can't comprehend it.
Speaker 4 (18:29):
And like me and my daughter was having this conversation
and I said, you know, unfortunately it's a man sexual
member is external, it's outside of his body. A woman's
sexual uh member is inside when you when you go in,
you're inside of her, like where her organs are, like
where she had babies with her womb. And so the
(18:49):
psychological impact of a dude, like somebody else was was
was there. I just think he can't. He's not wired
to that, you know, even but a woman, unfortunately, is
more wired to share in some cases than a man.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
A man doesn't.
Speaker 5 (19:08):
I mean, if I had been cheated on, it turned
me into, oh, I'm not gonna worry about being cheated on.
I'm going to do I'm gonna turn I'm going to
be the cheater. So that's what happened to me. I
just became I didn't and I was like, and I'm
gonna I'm gonna be honest. And it wasn't that I
became a cheater. I was an honest cheater, Like, don't
trip when you see me out with somebody. I'm just like,
(19:30):
you know, you're not the only one.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
This one.
Speaker 5 (19:37):
So I just after being cheated, I turned my I
turned it off. I turned that femininity off because I'm like,
I am going to play the game and I'm gonna
win every single time.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
And unfortunately, it's a lot of hard women out here
because they've been mishandled and so they got such a
big star.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
Affront that is chipping away.
Speaker 4 (20:02):
I mean, I remember when I began to love my
wife and I was like, yo, which version of you
is the real you? Because some days I get the soft,
nurturing woman I want to spend the rest of my
life with, and the other days I get this hard
exterior that I'm not attractor and do not want to
spend the rest of my life. And whichever one is
(20:24):
the real you, I need you to show herself now
because internally I'm making some decisions that I need to
know which version is. And she was honest to say,
you know, it's just I've been mishandled and I don't
really know what this is and you won't define it.
So you want me to give you a side of
me that you haven't brought clarity to what this is.
(20:46):
So I go back and forth between wanting to be
my authentic self, which is softer, and then protecting myself
because you haven't defined it. So you get the harder
one some days, and I say, well, I don't mean
to provide you any fusion, but if I'm going to
make a decision, then I need to know which one
is the real you. So who's gonna trust who in
(21:07):
the space so we can get there Because unfortunately, because
women have been mishandled there's a lot of really soft,
sweet nurturing women on the inside that have a real
hard external cover on the outside, and they they they've
made a decision to.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
I'm not doing any more.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Yeah, I'm a great great conversation with the Glenn's. You
can check out the podcast marriage Mondays. They have so
much to offer. So if you did not get enough
today on Relationship Talk Thursday, there is more. So make
sure you follow the Glenn's. Jerome Pastor Darmome Glenn. Is
that how we can find you on Instagram, Facebook.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
That's right, Jermome Glenn on all the.
Speaker 4 (21:44):
Things, all the things, Instagram, YouTube, it's all there.
Speaker 3 (21:49):
Connect with me, you connect with her.
Speaker 4 (21:51):
She's not as active on social media, but I'm always
putting us out there so the.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
Whole world know this level.
Speaker 4 (21:57):
We're married, we're together. Whatever happens with me happens with her.
She lets me do it. So that's how you find us.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
That's through me.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Got it?
Speaker 3 (22:05):
Thank you,
Ready to get back into relationship talk Thursday with the
power couple of the Glenn's pastors, Jamon and Erica Glenn.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
How many books have you guys written, because.
Speaker 3 (00:09):
A lot?
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Yeah, the books all on four on relationships, right Yeah, okay, cool,
cool cool.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
So you got.
Speaker 4 (00:18):
Cass marriage Monday on all podcast platforms. Okay, where we
spent when it's fifty something episodes where we.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Talk all time.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
It's very, very transparent.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
So this is not new to them. As I just
didn't pulled somebody to be on the radio. This is
you know, they're qualified. They have been a sign for
such a time as this. All right, so we want.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
To talk about a deep topic.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
I much needed topic.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
As we were talking off air and you says this
is happening a lot. Can a relationship survive after betrayal?
Speaker 5 (00:53):
Yeah, we believe that it can survive after betrayal, after infidelity.
It's just has to be very It has to be strategic.
It can't be something that is just kind of you know,
we're gonna deal with it when we when we can.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
It has to have a strategy.
Speaker 5 (01:10):
It has to be consistent, it has to have I
won't say questioning, but questions because we have to ask
ourselves how did we get here? And people have to
make a decision. They have to make a decision that
they want their marriage, that they want their spouse, and
behind that decision comes some intentionality that happens.
Speaker 4 (01:33):
Yeah, and not only infidelity, even though we kept running
into that one, a big one, But betrayal is man
betrail happens before infidelity, right, So people think that infidelity
is where that's actually like the that's not the source,
that's the symptom, symptom, you know, that's the that's an
action or an attribute. But there's a lot of people
(01:56):
that haven't had infidelity that still feel like they've been betrayed,
betrayed from honesty, vulnerability, trust, security protection, information, hiding, manipulation,
lack of sex, lack of meeting my needs, lack of
being honest, being being truthful, being transparent, coming coming forth
(02:17):
with being forthright, you know, with information. So we always
go right to infidelity to think that that's the ultimate betrayal,
and for some people in may, but for other people,
there's other betrayals that's happening that people don't think are
as big.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
That's really eating.
Speaker 4 (02:33):
At the fabric of your relationship and deteriorating the relationship
on the inside out.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
And by the time infidelity has taken place long ago.
Speaker 4 (02:43):
You had an emotional affair long before you had an
actual affair. You had a relationship with somebody that you
trusted and told your truth more than you told your spouse.
Somebody else was got got the good news first because
you know, they responded to you in a certain way
and you just were drained, so you were an autopilot
in your own relationship. Because it betrayal happens and it's
(03:07):
never communicated and never fought to restore. Then people think
the ultimate betrayal is in fidelity. I'm not gonna rank
it because that's based on every relationship, but I will
say that there's many betrayals that people don't discuss that
are bigger than the one everybody's focused because the question
is if we got there, how did we get that?
Speaker 3 (03:28):
I'm sure those baby steps that exactly exactly.
Speaker 4 (03:31):
You know, the scripture says not to be preachy, but
this is a gospel radio show. Proverse twenty eight and
thirteen says that whoever conceals their sins does not prosper,
and whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the
one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. And so
in our relationship we talk about we don't have secrets
(03:53):
like we transparently, honestly from history to now, we don't
have any secrets among each other. But that because we
can be trusted with each other without feeling insecure, without feeling.
Speaker 5 (04:05):
Like being brought up in a moment of vulnerability right
or in an argument and I'm about to bring this
back up that you shared with me. And when your
spouse doesn't feel secure, then they're not going to reveal
or tell you everything they're truth because most of the time,
what I tell women is that you know sometime if
a man is being if he's trying to be transparent
(04:26):
with you and he's trying to talk to you, he's
only going to tell you twenty percent of what exactly happens,
just to see what your reaction is going to be.
And if you start blowing up after the little bit
that he showed that he just revealed to you, he's
not going to tell and tell you anything else. So
you really, if he tells you something, just know since
it's only twenty percent he didn't even give you the
(04:46):
rest of it, because he's like, she can't even handle that,
and to me as an individual, not because I live here,
not because my husband does that. But I don't know
if I could even exist in a relationship where I
could not be transparent or trust the place that is
supposed to be my safe space.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
I can't.
Speaker 5 (05:08):
I can't. I can't tell you what I'm feeling without
you getting in your emotions, feeling a certain kind like
this is my feeling, this is about you, this is
not about you. And it's like that's a dangerous space
to be married and not be able to tell your
spouse everything. And I don't know, I think right, I
(05:29):
think when I got before I met my husband and
I knew I wanted to be married, I was like,
I need him to be able to tell me the
most uncomfortable things in the world, because I don't ever
want him to come out of this relationship looking to
find a space where he can be accepted.
Speaker 4 (05:46):
But I think that's the speed of our relationship because
in intention, in the beginning, we were friends.
Speaker 3 (05:52):
Yeah, and some because we were.
Speaker 4 (05:54):
Friends, I found myself confiding in you in a way
that I hadn't confided in anyone else. Speed or trust
was immediate. You was grown, You was be sure, you
were safe space. You didn't flinch. You understood that what
I was telling you, you could handle it, and even
and maybe you could handle it because it's like this,
this ain't my man. So maybe that's where it was
(06:14):
at the beginning, but it carried on in our relationship,
and I appreciate that friendship and that ability to be
to be transparent.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
You guys are really passionate about it.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
I hear the passion even when you communicated with each other,
there's a passion about talking about relationship.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Yeah, this is really good, and you guys are passionate.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
So I love that we're gonna come back and talk
about forgiveness versus reconciliation healing.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
It actually takes time. It really does take time.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
You know when a relationship has when there's betrayal and
infidelity in your relationship. We'll be back Relationship Talk Thursday.
We do welcome your questions and comments, so hit us
up right now. Inspiration thirteen ninety Family, It is Relationship Thursday.
(07:00):
I love the power the passion that's coming through today
from pastors Damon and Erica Glenn of New Life, And
I know you guys have really I'm quite sure you've
coached a lot of couples through betrayal and infidelity, and
so you can really speak to us about somebody listening
today maybe going through this and they're trying to figure
this thing out. Forgiveness versus reconciliation, what do you start
(07:25):
with this?
Speaker 4 (07:25):
I mean, forgiveness is not an option, especially if you're
a believer, and even if you're not a believer. People
that are non believers, people that are non believers still
find a clean slate in forgiveness, Like who wants to
carry that? Who wants to be trapped in a prison
and realize you're the prisoner because of unforgiveness. So forgiveness
isn't really the option. Reconciliation that's what comes with the process.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
I get it right.
Speaker 4 (07:50):
So just because I can forgive you any relationship doesn't
mean I need to put you back in the same
space without pros that your behavior has change or your
belief system has changed. Not that I'm like testing you
or making you jump through hoops, but I do want
to be in a poster or position where I give
(08:11):
clear expectations and try to work towards a resolution that
proves that your behavior has changed, because no matter what
I tell myself, if I don't see a proof and
belief and proof and behavior of change, I'm not really
gonna let my shoulders down to relax in the context
of this relationship because I see the same patterns and
the same stuff. But I have to make sure I'm
(08:32):
not blaming you if I'm trapped in the old belief
system that thinks that you haven't changed or you won't change.
I gotta give you real parameters so I can give
you opportunity to prove that change in belief and behavior.
And I keep saying both because you can't behave beyond
your belief. The belief and behavior has actually changed as
(08:53):
we move towards reconciliation. But forgiveness, I four give you.
It's already done. I don't have to. I don't have
time to.
Speaker 3 (09:01):
Know with that.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
I gotta let that go.
Speaker 4 (09:03):
People don't get through the first stage of forgiveness, let
alone reconcilia.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Yeah, And I think that people, especially women.
Speaker 5 (09:11):
I think for the most part, you know have this
place that you forgive. You know what they say, I'm
gonna forgive but I ain't gonna forget, you know what
I'm saying, I'm gonna forget what I'm gonna forget. And
there is a little true to that, you know. But
you know, forgiveness I found, you know, forgiveness with intelligence,
which which means that you know, I forgive you, but
(09:33):
I got to I might need to dumby down on
or or or kind of settle down on what I'm forgiving,
like what happened, what went on? And I think for
some people, I know that you are supposed to instantly forgive,
but I think when they have that difficulty or they
hidden up against that wall that they can't forgive, I
think it's because there are some other questions that they
(09:55):
might want to ask that they didn't ask. And so
it's right. And so it's like, you know, you get
at that place of forgiveness, something up and then on
top of that, exactly it's the trigger. It's the trigger
maybe from an old relationship or this is the same
thing that keeps happening to me versus you know. Yes,
but if you forgive this person and you're in this relationship,
(10:17):
it can go somewhere differently than than the other one.
But if you don't give that first initial forgiveness. With
intelligence being grown, being being sober minded and not being
emotional about it, you could you could get past the betrayal.
You can get past the infidelity. But you have to
be intelligent about this forgiveness giving exactly what am I
(10:41):
forgiving you for? And what are you deciding to not
do again? Because forgiveness well, repentance. I'm sorry, that's repentance.
I'm sorry to take that off the table. That ain't
This is Jesus, that's Jesus exactly.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
It's on me.
Speaker 4 (10:56):
And I think people don't forgive because the other persons
other than repent it. Yep, there's a difference. So you
want me to forgive you, that's big of me, and
I can do that. But have you which means there's
a change in your belief and a change in your behavior.
Repentance is not forgiveness. Forgiveness does come from me, and
(11:19):
I can forgive you, But have you repented? Have you
decided to change your belief and your behavior, and then
we can have a reconciliation.
Speaker 5 (11:30):
That's it's It's about what is your belief system?
Speaker 4 (11:36):
Because because if I chase down, that's a great question,
because if I chase down your behavior without asking why
did you do it in the first place? What do
you believe about that? What made that okay? What made
that okay for you to hide money? What made that
okay for you to have a stash on the side?
Where'd you get that from? Right? Because you because are
you sorry because you got caught? Why are you sorry
(11:57):
because you realize it was wrong? Who taught you that behavior?
Speaker 1 (12:01):
Like?
Speaker 3 (12:01):
Where did adam? Where are you? You know?
Speaker 4 (12:03):
Who told you to hide yourself? Like I can see you?
Who told you to do it? Where did that idea
come from?
Speaker 3 (12:08):
Who thought?
Speaker 4 (12:09):
Who told you to have a work wife? Who thought
that you should have a work husband? Like why did
y'all get so cool that y'all was hanging out after
work and you was telling me you were still at work,
but y'all was really at dinner.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
It's a whole card.
Speaker 3 (12:19):
Who put her in your who said you should ride
with her? In your current? Who told you that that
was a good idea?
Speaker 4 (12:25):
So you can I can forgive you for doing it,
but I really want to know why was you comfortable
enough to get How did you get there? Because if
you don't tell me what your belief system is around
the behavior you're gonna behave there again. So you're so
caught up in asking me to forgive you. I can
do that, but have you repented, because if you haven't
(12:47):
decided to change, repent, turn, turn from your WICKI ways,
you know what I'm saying, Uh, search your heart. If
you haven't decided to do that, we're gonna be here again.
It may be a different face in a different name,
but it'll be the same situation and we can't reconcile
unless you repent. But I can forgive you and I
(13:08):
can move on and go on.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Okay, well that's a good question, because we got a
question should you stay or walk away after infidelity?
Speaker 2 (13:14):
How do you know the diction? We'll come back.
Speaker 4 (13:16):
Oh she was like, well, we're gonna come back and
answer those questions on Relationship Talk Thursday.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
It's raising thirteen ninety family. It's Relationship Talk Thursday.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
The power couple is annoying to do what they're doing
today and all the time, this is what they do
pretty much all the time. Is a coach coach not counsel,
but they coach it gos and you know, whether married
or dating, and today is a great, great topic. I'm
learning a lot even as I'm listening about betrayal in
a relationship. How forgiveness is just not enough. Repentance definitely
(14:00):
has to come into play. And maybe that ties into
this question should you stay or walk away after infidelity?
How do you know the difference?
Speaker 5 (14:10):
So, I mean, we already stated and agreed that your
marriage or your relationship can survive after infidelity, but I
think we don't talk enough about when people should walk away.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
Yeah, I mean, I know it.
Speaker 5 (14:27):
It breaks your heart, and we always tell people, you know,
do everything that you can, like everything that you can
to salvage your marriage, and it may take some time.
But I think that these are some reasons or maybe
some things that will help to well that kind of
help you decide if you should walk away. The first one,
(14:49):
if the partner doesn't apologize, they don't acknowledge their behavior,
they don't want to change, there's no repentance. Another one
is your partner won't agree to any kind of counseling,
not a life anybody's other, anybody who is wise and
smart to come in and to help and guide, because
you've gone this far together and that hasn't worked. And
(15:10):
so you need to bring someone with more wisdom and
guidance to help you. Another one is your partner doesn't
show a desire to put in the work for the relationship,
because one person cannot be in a marriage working and
the other person not work. Also, both of you have
to work together. The next one is your partner still
in contact with the other person. This is dealing with infidelity.
(15:35):
But if they're still there's no change. They're still talking
to them, they're still d ning them all of the
stuff that they were doing. And the last one is
your partner doesn't seem to commit to your relationship. If
they don't want the relationship. I don't care how much
you want it. If they don't want it. You can't
make anybody want you or their relationship. You can't make them.
(15:58):
You just can't. It's heartbreaking, But that person has to
make a decision. Like we said earlier, you know, I
think a couple of segments ago we talked about that
love is a decision and that you have to make
that decision. You have to make the decision to be
in your relationship and to love your partner.
Speaker 4 (16:13):
That th ain't hurt, babe, But you're right. I can't
even disagree. You know, I'm an inecessor for a marriage.
I don't want to see it fail. I don't want
to see it break up. I want you to fight
for it. I want you to be engaged and invested.
But I can't say nothing but amen. So please don't
do anything that she said, like, do not be so
(16:36):
unwilling to do those things that are necessary. If you
the one that caused the infraction, then get to work.
Don't be standing there like like you got a leg
to stand on if you called the infraction. You got
to do the work if you believe in your relationship,
because everything she just said is one hundred percent legit
(16:58):
reasons why you should walk.
Speaker 3 (17:00):
All right, that's.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
A great question. Thank you so much for that. We
also welcome your questions.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
There was another one that came in, have you ever
experienced infidelity? Asking you guys and then we'll come back
and answer that question and close out the show.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Pestic Glenn was.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
About to say something, We're gonna hold hold that thoughts, sir,
We're gonna come back.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Relationship thirsday.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
Men versus women, they handle it differently like the man
versus you know, the woman being betrayed or manly versus
like is there a different like most definitely, we.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
Are not wired. We can't take it.
Speaker 4 (17:45):
It's I mean, guys will cheat or have infidelity and
their wife or woman, there's an expectation almost that what
forgive me?
Speaker 3 (17:56):
I ain't do not's the big deal.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
It was just this say.
Speaker 4 (18:01):
You know has taught women in some spect man gone cheat,
he gonna whatever. So there's a lolo low bar for him,
and he almost has an expectation that she should never
act the food that she gonna forgive him. But did
she do something? We're not wired for it. We're not
We can't comprehend somebody else was up in there, you
(18:22):
know what I mean? Like what you mean, who's been
sleeping in my bed? You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
It's like you can't comprehend it.
Speaker 4 (18:29):
And like me and my daughter was having this conversation
and I said, you know, unfortunately it's a man sexual
member is external, it's outside of his body. A woman's
sexual uh member is inside when you when you go in,
you're inside of her, like where her organs are, like
where she had babies with her womb. And so the
(18:49):
psychological impact of a dude, like somebody else was was
was there. I just think he can't. He's not wired
to that, you know, even but a woman, unfortunately, is
more wired to share in some cases than a man.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
A man doesn't.
Speaker 5 (19:08):
I mean, if I had been cheated on, it turned
me into, oh, I'm not gonna worry about being cheated on.
I'm going to do I'm gonna turn I'm going to
be the cheater. So that's what happened to me. I
just became I didn't and I was like, and I'm
gonna I'm gonna be honest. And it wasn't that I
became a cheater. I was an honest cheater, Like, don't
trip when you see me out with somebody. I'm just like,
(19:30):
you know, you're not the only one.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
This one.
Speaker 5 (19:37):
So I just after being cheated, I turned my I
turned it off. I turned that femininity off because I'm like,
I am going to play the game and I'm gonna
win every single time.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
And unfortunately, it's a lot of hard women out here
because they've been mishandled and so they got such a
big star.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
Affront that is chipping away.
Speaker 4 (20:02):
I mean, I remember when I began to love my
wife and I was like, yo, which version of you
is the real you? Because some days I get the soft,
nurturing woman I want to spend the rest of my
life with, and the other days I get this hard
exterior that I'm not attractor and do not want to
spend the rest of my life. And whichever one is
(20:24):
the real you, I need you to show herself now
because internally I'm making some decisions that I need to
know which version is. And she was honest to say,
you know, it's just I've been mishandled and I don't
really know what this is and you won't define it.
So you want me to give you a side of
me that you haven't brought clarity to what this is.
(20:46):
So I go back and forth between wanting to be
my authentic self, which is softer, and then protecting myself
because you haven't defined it. So you get the harder
one some days, and I say, well, I don't mean
to provide you any fusion, but if I'm going to
make a decision, then I need to know which one
is the real you. So who's gonna trust who in
(21:07):
the space so we can get there Because unfortunately, because
women have been mishandled there's a lot of really soft,
sweet nurturing women on the inside that have a real
hard external cover on the outside, and they they they've
made a decision to.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
I'm not doing any more.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Yeah, I'm a great great conversation with the Glenn's. You
can check out the podcast marriage Mondays. They have so
much to offer. So if you did not get enough
today on Relationship Talk Thursday, there is more. So make
sure you follow the Glenn's. Jerome Pastor Darmome Glenn. Is
that how we can find you on Instagram, Facebook.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
That's right, Jermome Glenn on all the.
Speaker 4 (21:44):
Things, all the things, Instagram, YouTube, it's all there.
Speaker 3 (21:49):
Connect with me, you connect with her.
Speaker 4 (21:51):
She's not as active on social media, but I'm always
putting us out there so the.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
Whole world know this level.
Speaker 4 (21:57):
We're married, we're together. Whatever happens with me happens with her.
She lets me do it. So that's how you find us.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
That's through me.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Got it?
Speaker 3 (22:05):
Thank you,
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