Relationship Stability Part II with Dr. Dorothy Jeffries

We are continuing our convrsation on Relationship Stability Part II with Dr. Dorothy Jeffries, Behavioral Relationship Consultant on The Bev Johnson Show on WDIA Radio.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Memphis probably presents the Bev Johnson Show.

Speaker 2 (00:08):
Let me say, Beth.

Speaker 3 (00:13):
Me fist. Let me you say.

Speaker 4 (00:21):
She's gone Emphis of game alone. No matter of the problem,
she can have you.

Speaker 5 (00:32):
So all the phone and Norma on your mind.

Speaker 4 (00:38):
She understand Jimmy in the hair by chilling you to
just keep.

Speaker 3 (00:45):
The thing.

Speaker 4 (00:48):
Where I go. I'm picking up the dosing. Show goes well,
I've got something game happy. You can hear every day
I hate my.

Speaker 6 (01:02):
Bell, got me a missed talking.

Speaker 4 (01:48):
Good morning, Good morning, good morning, and welcome into w
d I A The Bev Johnson Show. It is indeed
a pleasure I have you with us once again on
this Friday, Riyay, June sixth, twenty twenty five. Enjoy this
fabulous day to day. It is Relationship Day where we

(02:12):
talk about relationships to help make yours healthy, happy, wholesome,
wonderful and most of all loving between consenting adults. We
will do that with our expert, our consultant, our behavioral
and relationship consultant, doctor Dorothy Jeffries. We will be talking

(02:36):
with her this day. A topic of conversation we're going
to continue from last week Part two and how to
sustain stable relationships. We'll be talking with doctor Jay about that.
When it's your turn to talk, you know you can.
All you need that do is dial these numbers nine zero, one, five, three, five,

(03:03):
nine three four two nine zero one five three five
nine three four two eight hundred five zero three nine
three four two eight three three five three five nine
three four to two will get you in to us.

(03:27):
And if this day, this day, Friday June sixth, twenty
twenty five, is your birthday. Happy birthday to each and
every one of y'all out there who may be celebrating
a birthday on this day Friday, June sixth, Saturday June seventh,

(03:50):
Sunday June eighth as well, Happy birthday, y'all go out
and celebrate your life. You better, you bet it. When
we come back, I'll share some Double d i A
Good will announcements and we'll talk to doctor Dorothy Jeffries.

(04:11):
All coming up next with me Bev Johnson on the
Bev Johnson Show only on Double d i A. Right

(04:54):
here on Double d i A Show, Johnson returns.

Speaker 5 (05:25):
Working you know, over the town, working hard to bring

(05:52):
you holadays now settling Hollayship.

Speaker 4 (06:16):
Good morning, and welcome back to wdi a Hi, I'm bev.
It is a Friday, June sixth, twenty twenty five relationship
day where we talk about relationships to help make yours healthy, happy, wholesome, wonderful,
most of our loving between concerning adults, and we are
doing that once again with our expert behavioral relationship consultant,

(06:42):
doctor Dorothy Jeffries. We are in part two of our
conversation we had last week of how to sustain stable
relationships and there was four great points and we'll talk
about that again. But let me say good morning to you,
doctor Jeffries. How are you, sister?

Speaker 3 (07:00):
Good morning? I am great. Today Beth is overcast, kind
of muggy, but it's not raining.

Speaker 4 (07:07):
So you know what, we have the same kind as
overcast cloud. It's not raining. It says it's supposed to rain,
but we haven't gotten the rain yet. So we're doing well.

Speaker 3 (07:17):
Yes, it is, because we're gonna float away like Noel's.

Speaker 4 (07:21):
That's right, that's right. Well, you know, last week, doctor Jeffrey,
we had good it was good conversation our listeners who
engaged and they got out of it. So we want
to continue today because we ran out of time and
we talked about sustaining you know, stable relationships, and there
were four things you talked about and we hit number

(07:42):
one stability and stain ability. We talked about those things
and kind of just a brief thing on stability. Having
that stability Doctor Jeffries.

Speaker 3 (07:55):
Okay, it's kind of the stability I think is pretty
much self express in a toy because when we want
when we think about things being stable, we see them
as being balanced. It's something that there's a foundation there.
You have worked through, you know, the ying and the
yang of it. You've worked out the pose and the

(08:17):
cons and you come to kind of a balance where
you understand that the relationship and the individuals involved in
the relationship and not perfect, but you acknowledge those areas
that are still growth, areas that you're working on that
you've negotiated with the other person to work on. There's

(08:38):
a transparency about when those issues do arise, that you
choose to work towards resolving any conflicts or stress or
what have you that results from that, as opposed to
ignoring them, burying them under, or going into denial. But
the stability is the primary reguld because if you can't

(09:01):
force the stability in a relationship. There's nothing that you
can build on but will even remotely bring you to
something that you can sustain. So stability, I think, is first,
and that's when the red flags count in the beginning,
when you're trying to figure out is what you see

(09:23):
worth what you want or is it close to that?
Are we making you know something now of what we
hope it will be as opposed to where it really is.
So it's very important to be ruthlessly honest with yourself
on what you see, what your perceptions are, what you
begin to think and later believe about that person, now

(09:47):
what you hope you know there will be, but what
you think and believe to be true about that person,
And then you measure what they say with what they
do as a consistence and see when that occurs. Because
unstable people are inconsistent. They will tell you one thing

(10:07):
and show you something different. And if you're unstable because
your desire to have what it is you're hoping for
versus what is really before you, then that's going to
be a mess. So we want to really put a
lot of emphasis on being stable, being presenting stability ourselves,

(10:29):
looking for mutual stability and a potential parton or even
just in a friend or or you know, a companion.
You want stability at some point. Grown folks are too
old for drama every other day, you know, So you
want something that you can count on as a resource.
Is something that's real, right, Okay, something you can feel.

Speaker 4 (10:53):
It's something you can feel, that's right. Stability. So that's stability.
Then we talk about Doctor Jeffrey's stainability.

Speaker 3 (11:03):
Yes, will it last? You know, people now are so
into instant putting and you know, microwave popcorn and stuff.
It's like just three seconds and we think it's done.
It's cook And we know anything that's instant like that
that is not whole food, that is not something that's natural,

(11:24):
organic and that nutricious. For it is just something that
may taste good and be good to the taste good,
but it may not be something that will do you
do a body well. So we want to look in
terms of something that's sustainable and being realistic. Everybody is

(11:45):
not looking for a marital party, right, and so if
you're not looking for a marital partner, where you're talking
about a long term relationship, there are all different types
of long term relationship. Sometimes people just want somebody that

(12:05):
they build a friendship which they grows into a loving
relationship if you will, and they could or not be
a friend with benefits. But what it is, it has
the characteristics of being stable all the criteria we talked
about stability, but the sustainability is that each person gets

(12:29):
fed enough to be satisfied with the dynamics of the relationship.
And then mutually you can decide if just hanging out
together is good because you know, we're free, we don't
kids ground, we don't want to you know know, hassles
or commitments or dealing with other people stuff like that.

(12:50):
We just want to be friends. We have a good
time together. We may go out together sometime or maybe
a group of us you can decide. That's the creativity
in that The key is being upfront, not misleading people
that you want one thing and they're hoping for another.
But you're upfront for you know, this is all I'm
able to offer, and if that's something that you feel

(13:14):
good about, then let's discuss that. Let's see how we
can make this work and beneficial to us. You know,
where both of us are in a companionship or relationship,
we have a social life. We have a confidence you
can put all of that in there. It's just not
legally bind it. It's just more of a vine. It's
because of what you've built into it. So I think sustainability.

(13:38):
And we know normally and naturally that if we're talking
about a legal relationship where you're married or living together,
then there's some other things that you want to take
into consideration. The older you are, the more mature you
would expect your partner or potential partner to be. If
people are still running around living until it to pose,

(14:02):
looking unkempt, in situations where they got to run to
somebody else to help them pay their life bid, or
they're about to get addicted, or you know, they have
people moving in and out of their house all the
time because somebody else, or the children, I say, when
you have all that kind of stuff, And we talked
about people who have children by multiple people, and whether

(14:26):
these children are teenagers or young adults or grown adults.
We know that they should be involved and engaged in
your life, but how so are they involved in your
life and engaged in your life as adults with their
own lives or is it something that a part or

(14:47):
potential partner will have to contend with that. They will
always be interloper, they will always be a point of contention,
or there's always something going on with them that interferes
with the type of relationship and harmony that you want to.
So you have to have honest conversations about people and
relatives and all of that, and boundaries. What are the

(15:11):
boundaries some people, you can't say anything to them about
their children and whatever those children do, be either sixty
or sixty whatever it is that they do, it's okay
with them, and they will get upset and angry with you,
So you want to pay attention to that. Are the
grown children intrusive? Do they treat their parents like their
children and they're all in their business? That's another thing.

Speaker 7 (15:36):
Grown people don't typically.

Speaker 3 (15:38):
Change their behavior unless they choose to. We can never
parent a grown person. We can't never We can never
make somebody else assume our values. We cannot change anybody's behavior,
particularly if they're an adult, unless they want to see
a benefit for them and decide that that you are

(16:01):
worth it to them to make that effort. A lot
of people go into the notion where they like fifty
percent of this person and what's going on and what
they bring to the table. But there's thirty percent over
there they think they can work with.

Speaker 7 (16:17):
If you got to think about working with that's.

Speaker 3 (16:19):
Like going into somebody's house and you already have plans
to build an additional room, So you don't want a project, okay,
and you don't want to be an option, so you
want to be able to negotiate that. But that's the
creativity about the sustainability part. It can be what you

(16:39):
want to be if you're honest with yourself, you're honest
with your partner, and you're willing and able to negotiate
so that both parties feel satisfied and that they're getting
out of it at least eighty percent of what they want.
And the way that you get that eighty percent is
you know that they respect you, they care enough for you,

(17:04):
they are engaged and happy and satisfied when they're with you,
that they want to be with you, that they're willing
to work towards helping you achieve your eighty percent, and
you feel confident that they're going to do likewise for you.
But that's many difficult conversations and along the way you

(17:25):
will learn things about that partner that you just can't
pick up, you know, just like very superficially. So you
have to be willing at some point to say, where's
the point where we need to have some deep conversations.
And it's not one way. Some people feel that they
can be directed and start telling them or telling you

(17:46):
about what they don't like about you and how you
run your house and all of that, but they don't
want to discuss how they feel if there's not a
two way thing. That's also a mirroring effect that shows
you what the relationship done. So the sustainability and the
stability piece are the two things you want to look

(18:07):
for in the front. Those are like the cornerstones that
will decide if you even have something to.

Speaker 4 (18:12):
Work with in my opinion, so so have those first
look at those, sustainability and stability exactly. Okay, Now when
we move to number three, this is I think one
of the biggiest doctor Jeffries and you talk about sobriety. Mmm,

(18:35):
I know, I know we think about that sobriety y'all.

Speaker 3 (18:40):
Yes, indeed, you know when we say sobriety, most people
automatically go to alcohol, alcohol and judge drugs, right, but
let me tell you there are more people who've gone
through twelve step programs and treatment programs and what who
are just as an intoxicated with negative rigid you know,

(19:04):
destructive behavior is this and they may never take another drink,
or never pop another pill or shoot up with another
legal but they haven't done the worst to identify what
drove them to the addiction in the first place. What
hold were they trying to feel? What shame were they
trying to address? What guilt were they trying to work through?

(19:29):
What pain were they trying to annihilate? You know? What
regret were they trying to work through? All of those
you know, addictions, you know, manifest themselves in a physical
dependency after a point after you find your drugs a
choice and you get the high from meeting you know,
using that drug. And let me say, you may not

(19:51):
be dealing with illicit drugs, but if you have charge
cards off the wall where you are shopping, and you
you have run yourself into excessive debts over things, when
you look around, they are just all over your house,
some of them now they even opened it. But you're
not buying for the possessions, You're buying for the rush

(20:13):
to obtain it, and once if you open it, or
if you wear it, or if you use it, once
you begin to accumulate so much until you don't even
know what you have. And what we find is that
when people use shopping like that, they're trying to nurture
and create a sense of security and safety that was

(20:35):
missing for them. Maybe they grew up and they didn't
dress like the other kids, maybe because of their home situation,
or you know, because of financial situation, or there was something,
you know, whatever the situation was, and so their focus is,
I'm going to get me a job, and I'm gonna
spend all my money and I'm going to wear the

(20:56):
most expensive shoes, clothes, everything. I'm gonna drive the car
where they're leasing it or not. Everybody's gonna look and
I'm gonna look like.

Speaker 7 (21:05):
A million bucks.

Speaker 3 (21:06):
And you probably close to at least one hundred thousand
dollars in debt and nothing to show for that because
all of this discretionaire and all of that depreciates, and
you have nothing to show for the work you put in,
the money that you've earned and accumulated and what have you.
And that's not sustainable. So you wanna look at that.

(21:28):
People who try to keep up with the Joneses, they
go to photagraph. Well, you know, if you get one
of these, I gotta get one of them. If you
have that, then I gotta get two of these. These
people are in competition because they feel less than they
feel that they're not good enough. So again they're using

(21:49):
external things to deal with internal issues. And let me
tell you, these people are not bad people or anything.
These are just people who have figured out where they
were hurt. They remember where they were hurt, where they
felt needy, where they felt neglected, where they felt forgotten,

(22:12):
or where they felt misused. And the pain that they
experience or the shame or the guilt or whatever that
emotion that's attached to that, whatever that emotion is, that
they remember that it is kind of mild marked in
their soul. They grow up and they try to prevent

(22:32):
that child from ever experience and anything like that. Again,
so on one hand, they know I can't afford to
do this, but the compulsion when they start feeling any
of those things is to take care of the feeling.
And so what I'm saying is that you have to

(22:54):
understand and you have to honestly, look at what is
the compulsive, habitual, self destructive, non productive behaviors that you
notice first within yourself before you look at somebody else.
What do I do within myself that is not serving

(23:17):
me in my most helpful manner. The opposite of over
expenditure of the people who live like coppers because they're
afraid one day they're going to be as poor as
they were at some time in their time, or they
don't want to be like their parents, or they don't
want to lose what they saw their parents lose or

(23:37):
what their families have to go through. So those people
are not allowing themselves to enjoy the benefit of the
gift of the presence. They're being directed in the present
by the past and trying to build a life and
a relationship like that, you know, is very frustrating and

(23:57):
very controlling and very well it's the present on one thing,
but it's not beneficial or productive for either partner. And unfortunately,
we have the codependent people out there, you know, the
people who see what's wrong with you and they're going
to spend their life trying to serve you up and

(24:18):
make you healthy and make themselves sicker. Those code dependents
will find you and spend their time trying to appease
what it is you're trying to control yourself. So you
want to understand the dynamics of addiction and learning about
how it plans out in your life. You know, there

(24:40):
are things that all of us have, some compulsions and stuff.
You know, where it's something, if you see it, you
may buy it. You know things that you say, I
collect this, and you see one, you gotta buy it, Yeah,
And all you think about what that is and you
figure out what am I You know, what is it
that I feel when and I get this? What is

(25:01):
it what I feel? You'll feel a certain emotion. And
if you explore that and always tend to paper, if
you write about when I see exact you know, and
then I want it. I try to resist it, I
walk away from it, and then I find myself going
back to get it. If I don't get it, then
I'm depressed and sick and all of that because I

(25:23):
missed that opportunity to get what is it that you it?
Had you guid it, what would you feel and what
did that remind you of? And was there a time
when you really wanted something like that? You can do
your own detective work to figure out what is it
that you're trying to fix, but as part of a
couple going in, you want to pay attention to that

(25:46):
because addiction is probably one of the most destructives and
heartbreaking environments that anybody can try to bring love into.
You cannot love what it, whatever it is that is
your drug of choice and love somebody else too. The
drug will always come out first. And people put years

(26:09):
and time and energy in through and go through all
kinds of physical and emotional and mental distress, hoping because
they do love somebody that they can fix it. But
we all know that you cannot fix for people, and
that starts at any age anything that they choose not
to fix. So you may see the destruction, but they're

(26:33):
not willing to acknowledge that it's being that they're acting
in a destructive way. And what you have to decide
things is that as should I stay and wait and
see how long it's going to be, how much time
am I willing to dare because otherwise it's a really
good person. You know, You've heard people say, oh, there

(26:54):
is such a really nice person, but when she starts drinking,
oh gosh, her.

Speaker 4 (26:58):
Yeah, you know.

Speaker 3 (27:00):
You need to decide, are you in it to try
to be a one person twelve step program or rehab
person or rescue or whatever's going to take or are
you going to say I'm gonna step away from this
because it's not going to do me any good. And
because I care about you, I would rather, you know,

(27:22):
try to be friends or we talk from now and then,
but not have a personal relationship because I think that
what's going on in your life is not gonna match
what I'm looking for in my life. And that's painful,
but that's a mature way to save yourself. You cannot
save other people.

Speaker 4 (27:41):
Yeah, because I was gonna ask you that when you
mentioned that person. Isn't that hard sometimes to step away?

Speaker 3 (27:47):
Yeah? Because you know, if you are co dependent or
a martyr. And a lot of women and some men,
but a lot of women think they can love. They
can love whatever is bad in you.

Speaker 4 (27:59):
Yeah, and you hear it.

Speaker 3 (28:00):
I mean they even put it out there. All he
needs is a good woman and she'll straighten him out.
You are not his mother. Whatever happens. You know that
this person is an adult. You don't want to parent
your partner. Oh, I love that you.

Speaker 4 (28:18):
Don't want to parent your partner. Oh I love that, No,
you do not.

Speaker 3 (28:23):
You know, of course, you care for the person, you
nurture the person you you know, you support them, you
goddamn you. All that kind of stuff that's a part
of a loving relationship. But your full time job is
not parenting. And I tell you a lot of women
who've been damaged by trauma or who've been hurt want

(28:45):
to be in a relationship where they are totally in
control because they believe that that's the way that they
can prevent experiencing that trauma again or the feelings associated
with that. But guess what, they cheat themselves out of
a really passionate relationship. They never get to experience what

(29:06):
it is to have an equal partner that you respect,
that you love, that you care for, that you enjoy,
that you're happy, that you laugh with, and who feels
the same way about you. And what happens when.

Speaker 7 (29:22):
You have a person who prefers.

Speaker 3 (29:25):
A parent to a partner. Then what do children and
adolescents do when the parent becomes controlling or discipline.

Speaker 7 (29:36):
Them or what have you.

Speaker 3 (29:37):
They act out So you don't end up with a
compliance child. You end up probably with a troubled child
or at best social delinquents that you say is your
partner who wants that? So we have to look at
it in real reality terms that make sense to us

(29:57):
and tell the truth about what it is we get
don't at this point in our age, and I'm talking
about anybody over forty and going forward. Life gets shorter
every day that you live. Why give up a second
of the potential of happiness, stability, sustainability, soberness, and love

(30:21):
and companionship and a relationship for something that you're chasing
beaten crime, trying to control and make do better or
be better? Why do that? You deserve better than that.
And as long as you're doing that for somebody else,
you're cheating them out of the opportunity to hit rock
bottom so they can grow up and experience an adult life.

Speaker 4 (30:47):
I like that we are talking if you've just do that,
and then when we come back, doctor, just there's something
else you said I want to get When we're talking
about sobriety, we are talking this day about how to
sustain a stable relationship. We've talked about stability, We've talked
about stainability, We've talked about Sobriety gonna talk about that

(31:09):
some more, and then we have another one we're gonna
talk about. If you have a question or two four
doctor Jeffries. We do invite you to call nine zero one, five, three, five,
nine three four two eight hundred five zero three nine
three four two eight three three five three five nine

(31:33):
three four two eight three three five three five nine
three four two will get you into us. If you
can't call, you can email me your question at Bev
Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com. Bev Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com.

(31:56):
You're listening to the Bev Johnson Show on will You
d I A.

Speaker 3 (32:03):
Hi. This is David Porter, and you are listening to
the Queen of talk, Bev Johnson.

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She is the one and only. No one can top her,
no one can stop her, and I'm in love with her.
You're listening to Bev Johnson at w d I A.

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The Bev Johnson Show, Beth Justin Show, Bell Chompers with

(32:45):
this talking and home Away, How.

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Will you go?

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You go?

Speaker 2 (32:52):
Don't getting ready in show.

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Show? Let's go.

Speaker 6 (33:02):
We makey by him douty to listen to one today
you know it's time about to fish.

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Amount of Show Lucky.

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Let's go.

Speaker 4 (33:21):
We are rocking, yeah and rolling on this Friday, June sixth,
twenty twenty five. Enjoy this fabulous day to days Relationship
Day where we're talking relationships to help make yours healthy, happy, wholesome, wonderful,
and most of all loving between consenting adults. We are
doing that with our expert, our behavioral relationship consultant, doctor

(33:45):
Dorsey Jeffries. We're talking about how to sustain a stable relationships.
We've hit three points already, stability, stainability, and sobriety. Hold on,
we'll get to the last one. We'll talk and if
you have a question or two nine zero one five
three five nine three four two eight hundred five zero

(34:08):
three nine three four two eight three three five three
five nine three four two or email me your question
at Bev Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com. Bev Johnson at
iHeartMedia dot com. But before doctor Jeffrey we go to
our phone lines, let me tell you about my favorite place.

(34:29):
You know the place I'm talking about. The Rocket Cheer
of Memphis, y'all, fifteen forty two, Elvis Presley, where we
rock with the best soul food in town, best entertainment around.
They are open Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Friday, Saturday and Sunday
eleven to five where you can get some good soul food. Yeah,

(34:50):
dine in you can, or you can take out. Give
them a call. Nine zero one four two five, five
two sixty four nine zero one four two five five
two six four will get you into the Rocking Teer
Friday night. Well we talk about the best entertainment around.
It is karaoke Night Friday night at the Rock and Cheer.

(35:12):
And if you think you can sing of the band,
head on down to the Rocking Chair this evening. Doors
will open up at six clock this evening. Yeah you
killayok with a band? I know y'all think y'all can
sing of the band?

Speaker 3 (35:25):
Well?

Speaker 4 (35:25):
Going out? DJ E b T Will be there to
help you out. Yeah you will. It's Karaoke Night with
a band tonight at the Rocking Tier of Memphis. So
head on down to the Rocking Chair of Memphis. Fifteen
forty two Elvis Presley, Best Entertainment Time, Best Soul food around,

(35:46):
dime in takeout nine zero one four two five five
two sixty four nine zero one four two five five
two six four. And when you go there, y'all tell
them Dev Johnson sent you to the chair of Memphist.

(36:09):
We are going to our phone lines, doctor Jeffries and
talking to unforgetful high unforgetful.

Speaker 8 (36:17):
Hey, mis just I want to ask doc to getful
question there. It's kind of wane.

Speaker 9 (36:22):
You know, uh, you when you're in.

Speaker 8 (36:25):
A relationship or getting into a relationship, or find out
something about your relationship. You know, the human being is
a special thing. You know, they are special. We are
all different. We have all kinds of emotions and everything.
But I just want to say that why did that

(36:47):
when it comes to us now? Like the answer when
we get married, we got to talk about what you
call that thing, the pre ing up. I mean, you're
throwing a monkey wrench and something that's working, and then
you get to know a person. You got something called
background checked in. You know, when you start doing things

(37:10):
like that, Doctor Jeffery, it makes me think why you
have to analyze people, you know, analyze this, analyze that.

Speaker 3 (37:19):
You know that's like that because I'm.

Speaker 4 (37:21):
Again but I'm gonna let doctor Jefferys answer. But but
you want to know what you're getting.

Speaker 8 (37:25):
I want to keep on and I'm gonna go there.

Speaker 4 (37:28):
This is all right, I say, I want you want
to know what you're what you're getting? Go on, what what?
What's the what's the last question?

Speaker 8 (37:36):
Okay, my trainer thought just got throwed out for real,
Beth Jumps, you do it all the time, baby, but
I love you for it.

Speaker 3 (37:44):
Anyway.

Speaker 8 (37:45):
Like I say back in the past, Bes Jumps, I'm
not going to commit radio suicide. I'm not gonna do
it between us. I never will do it. But anyway,
Doctor Jefferson, I just want to say that I think
you stid throwing things like that in the next Doctor Jeffery.
It just kind of messed stuff up for building a

(38:06):
relationship because I believe in the spirit, you know, I
believe in people.

Speaker 4 (38:11):
Well well, well we'll will get doctor Jeffery's answer. We'll
see what she has to say about that.

Speaker 8 (38:17):
Unforgetful, it's all about love, miss Johnson, have one you two?

Speaker 4 (38:24):
Oh boy? So Doctor Jefferies, I'm forgetful. I want to
know why we want to do pre nups, why we
want to do background checks?

Speaker 3 (38:32):
Come on, okay, uh, thank you, I'm forgeptful for that.
That question that I'm sure there are a lot of
people like that. There are people who still want to
believe that they're that that other people are not need
and out there and searching for love just like they are,

(38:55):
and that's when they find that other person, the birds
will sing, their hearts will commit, and they will walk
up into the sunset together and look happily forever. The
reality of that is is that even in olden days
or you know, earlier times, people didn't necessarily fall in

(39:16):
love and hear birds singing and what have you. But
there was a lot more structure that was in the socialization,
and people have been socialized and trained to what to
expect from a partner and what the family's expectation was
for a marriage. There were two families coming together, not

(39:39):
just these two people. There were two families coming together
because these two families were going to grow their people,
their community, and children were going to be born. And
so everybody had a vested interest in people being as
normal and as personable and as committee to the mission

(40:01):
of creating a healthy, normal, god fearing life as possible.
And when the two young people couldn't do it, the
older people would get in the mix of it and
help try to straighten it out. Those days are gone,
especially the part where there's time and commitment and love
and care that's involved in the socialization of what our

(40:26):
as a community or as a family or as a
church wants out of people that we are blessing in
marriage together. We want them to be wholesome. We want
them to be God fearing, and we want them to
be good parents. We want them to not have children
until they join before God and make a commitment not

(40:46):
only to love and care for themselves, and build a
household that is studied, that is stable, that is complicit
with the covenant, that is loving not only within but
outside to their family and neighbors as well. Children can
grow up into that kind of foundation and grow up

(41:06):
hopefully to be fairly normal. But because their structure is
no longer there, and because people now do not want
to assume responsibility for anything that they do themselves, and
there are a lot of people who don't want to
grow up like we were talking about before, and adults
who just say, I made a bad choice. I don't
want to be married to you anymore. You know. I

(41:28):
want to be over here, or I want to go
out and find myself, or I want to whatever I
want to do. You know, it's okay because I want it,
and because people behave like that. Then you have to
prepare and assume that the person that you love and
that you are so enamored with now may wake up

(41:50):
one day and I want to be with you. So
how do we fix that so that we can still
go and nobody gets devastated or wiped out or what
have you? You do, plean up. We will stay together
X amount of time, and if we stay together X
amount of time, this thing will be in place for you.

(42:11):
If we have X amount of children, then those children
will receive X amount from each other. It's a business plan.
Doesn't necessarily mean that nobody's not in love, but what
they are assuming is that when love doesn't live here anymore,
we can go on and build some houses someplace else
and live. It's just reality. It's a sign up the time.

(42:35):
But you can still go out and find that person
that's waiting on you. Unforgetful, there's somebody out there. You
go out there and do your thing. Just be yourself
and find that person who's gonna love you for you,
and hopefully you will love her for her, and I
will wish you all the best of love and romance
and happiness in the world. You don't have to do

(42:57):
what other people do, but you find that person for you.
And I hope that you do. I really do. I'm
not being fun. I sincerely do.

Speaker 7 (43:06):
And baby girl hope so too.

Speaker 4 (43:13):
Okay, thank you, doctor j We were talking about sobriety,
doctor Jeffries, and one of the things you and I
wanted to ask. You know, when we talk about people
with addictions and all that, when folks get into relationships
you're talking about, don't they know that they may have
a toxic person by the way that person is behaving.

(43:37):
Because when you say people, and I'm asking that because
when you talked about we all already know that a
lot of women and some men they try to fix
people and you can't fix them because this person is
so toxic. But you still may love this person because
of whatever you think you're gonna change. But you know

(43:59):
that why are you there?

Speaker 3 (44:03):
Well, I think that a lot of people we're talking
about codependent people. Yeah, a lot of co dependent people
believe if I could just tweak this, you know, they
got ABNC. That's really good, that's going for them, but
they got this problem. But the situation is typically, if
it's an addiction, there is nothing you can do to

(44:27):
change somebody else's addiction. They have to be willing to
give it up because their addiction is feeding their needs.
And there are mothers, there are.

Speaker 7 (44:39):
Fathers, their brothers, their sisters, their.

Speaker 3 (44:43):
Friends, their wives, their children, their husbands who would have
laid down and given a kidney for somebody to just stop,
or to go into rehab or to go to a
twelve step program. And don't think that all people who
are addicts are just doing this to be mean or
spiteful of what have you. They have a disease and

(45:05):
they're sick. And the physical part and the psychological part
of the addiction consumes any rational thoughts or behavior. If
the if the design or the craving is there, they
will do things that they have never ever dreamt of doing.
Perfect example, you rarely heard about any child breaking into

(45:30):
grandma's house or momay and Daddy's house and stealing their
goods or their money, or stealing a check or writing
it like that because they were trying to get cracked.
Until crack was introduced into the black community, that whole
thing changed and made a cultural dynamic that we're known

(45:52):
for now, you know, people selling their babies, people selling
their bodies. If that's not the perfect example of living
in insanity, which was the.

Speaker 7 (46:02):
Next thing we were gonna talk about.

Speaker 3 (46:04):
The examples them. When you're addicted, you are not in
your right mind. You don't even have a hole on
your soul. So unless you want to spend your time
trying to make somebody do what they're not willing to do. Again,

(46:26):
as they say and in treatments, they have to hit
their own bottom. And people have different bottoms. Some people
just have a bit of a rough time and they
they just decide they want to quit. Other people have
to lose everything, family, jobs, money.

Speaker 7 (46:45):
All of that.

Speaker 3 (46:46):
Don't you think that if they had an out of
rationality there when they start going under and drowning and
know that they're breaking their love once high, they would
they would do whatever. But drugs and alcohol and substances
like that are some of the most powerful things that
people struggle with. Hey, cigarettes take people out, you know,

(47:10):
there are people who struggle with that. So anything that's
I have that or addition, it's a journey that's walked
along and thought along. You have to make the decision
once you make the decision, and only you can decide
and know in your heart why you're doing it, then
there are people who will be there to receive you

(47:31):
and to call you on the negative behavior and the
insanity that you're living in and giving you the support.
And that's why they even give you a sponsor who's
been there where you're going, so they can call you
on your stuff when you start talking crazy again. But
nobody else can fix that for you. And and the

(47:52):
Schooner people realize that that you have to stand back,
and that's what they tell people, and you know, support
groups for parents and family members, and but you have
to let people hit their bottom, yes, and that's the
most painful thing to do, to see your spouse or
your child or anybody that you care about go rock bottom,

(48:15):
you know, hungless shirt and hurt because you're out there
in the drug wark. Anything could happen to them, and
unfortunately a lot of people die, never never recover from
the drugs. So yes, yes, I think that that's one.

Speaker 10 (48:27):
Of the horror stories that we live with and it
consumes entire families, communities and the system.

Speaker 4 (48:38):
Yeah, so remember that when we talk about sobriety, you.

Speaker 7 (48:44):
Can't love a person sober.

Speaker 4 (48:47):
I like that. You can't love a person sober. You
can't do it, You cannot do it, you cannot do it.
I love it. Hold that's on Doctor Jeffries. As we
go to our last one, Santa, if you have a
question or something to say for Doctor Jeffries this day,
we do invite you to call now nine zero one

(49:10):
five three five, nine three four two eight hundred five
zero three nine three four two eight three three five
three five nine three four two will get you in
to us. You're listening to double d Ia.

Speaker 1 (49:31):
Whether you're in Arkansas, Tennessee, or Mississippi on Facebook, Twitter,
or Instagram. Thank you for listening to the Bev Johnson
Show on doub d Ia Memphis.

Speaker 2 (49:41):
Bev j Show.

Speaker 1 (50:40):
You're listening to the Bev Johnson Show. Here's Bev Johnson.

Speaker 4 (50:44):
And we're talking this day how to sustain stable relationships.
And we get to our last one, Dr Jeffries. Sanity,
Oh yes, I know, I have you sanity. Wow.

Speaker 3 (51:02):
You know people say sanity is highly overrated, and so
if there are more benefits to behave and insane and
the more you look around, if people not acting crazy
and doing what they want to, and then when they're
called to task for it, they just say, oh, I
made a bad choice, right, And so at some point

(51:22):
we have to behave more like grown folks and come
to the conclusion that we can we cannot always afford to,
you know, just run them up with you know, our lives,
with our times, with our families, with our expectations and stuff.
At some point you have to put some value and

(51:43):
time and commitment into deciding what is it that you want.
And most people, although there is a high tolerance for
trying to live and work and play and be with
crazy people, it's not beneficial for you. It's not help
for you, and it gives them an excuse to continue

(52:04):
to behave out of control with no response or responsibility
or accountability for what the things they say and the
things that they do that hurts and undermines the lives
of other people. So we have to take accountability for
ourselves now, unless you're just like drama every day and

(52:24):
you like to wake up and don't know where you're
gonna end up at the end of the day, and
you have doubts about you know what. Three of the
personalities and I'm not talking about people with diagnoses. Yet
I'm talking about people who just choose to act selfish
and considerate, cruel, abusive, and just do what the heck

(52:46):
they want to do. People who have mental health issues,
you can recognize it. Often they are aware that there's
something wrong, and if they grow close to you and
trust you, they will share with their concerns out or
if you grow close to them and trust them, then
you can share what your concerns are. And then the

(53:07):
conversation needs to be what are we going to do
about that? Because I can't make you do anything, and
if you're not ready to do anything, I have to
make a decision for myself and my own best interests
and allow you to go on until your ready to
make a healthy choice. But I can't be with you.

(53:30):
And again that's another one of those hard stands, because
people still want to believe that you can love somebody
being health and you can love somebody and to be insane,
and you cannot. You cannot. Mental health is a very
personal thing, and people may choose to live with their demons,

(53:50):
their depressions, whatever it is, and however the mental illness
manifests themselves, they become more comfortable and familiar with them,
even if it terrorizes them, then they do dealing with
other people, and some rightfully so, because we don't know
what horrors or terrorists that they have been confronted with

(54:12):
or had to survive. So I'm sympathetic for that. But again,
I'm about people holding value for what's yours and who's yours.
And one of the first people that you have to
reflect in a relationship is the value that you put
on your own personal well being and self care. You

(54:34):
cannot choose because somebody is unwilling to get treating for
whatever reason. Now, if resources are the thing, then and
you're a caring person, a friend or relative or what
have you, by all means help them seek, search and
fine what's available? Resources are you know, disappearing even as

(54:57):
we speak, But why there are sons, There are people
and agencies and things available where people can go and
at least take a first step to understand what's going
on with them. If they have insurance, some type of
medical plan, medicaid, medicare, what have you. Don't put your

(55:18):
head in the stand because somebody's hurting and they won't
do it, and have that conversation and offer to assist them
with getting help if they want to, but you cannot
make somebody else do it. And unless you're a trained therapist,
and if you are a trained therapist, you know better

(55:38):
than to go in trying to treat somebody that you're
trying to build a relationship with. So that's one of
the first things. But when we're talking about the insane behavior,
we're talking about people who stay in relationships and every
other week she's cutting up his ties and cutting burning
up his clothes. The car she saw it takes on

(56:01):
the phone from somebody else, or he saw a picture
from somebody else to her, and then he wants to
jump on her. That kind of insane behavior is just
I mean, that's couple, man, and you don't need that.
That's drama that will lead people straight into jail or
into the hospital or worship to the graveyard. We just

(56:22):
cannot afford all of this drama and acting like im
mature adolescens and acting on what we think somebody is doing,
or because we're insecure and can't trust what they're doing,
because we don't trust what we're doing, then it's no
longer acceptable. We can't afford that anymore. We just can't

(56:46):
do it so when somebody behaves in an interesting or
a bizarre way, or you have any kind of question,
the mood swings. They're up one day, they're very press
the next day. Some people are very private about their
mental health and they may be on medication, they may

(57:07):
be seeing a therapist or doctor, and that's their rights.
But you can't be in a relationship with them if
they don't trust you enough to share that information. And
I would say, if you were at the early stages,
it's not necessary for you to provide all of your
deeply personal information, your finances, your medical health, your mental health,

(57:30):
and all of that kind of stuff and going in
to dealt with people and things like that. You don't
do that until you know you're launching something that you
believe is sustainable, that you to see that it's stable enough,
you see enough maturity, accountability, responsibility in that person that

(57:52):
you can maybe build something with. And you're just at
plateau wants trying to figure out what foundation are we
gonna build and see if we can agree on that.
Don't go in throwing everything from history to you know, ACPA,
medical information and all that. It's too much, too soon.

(58:12):
And some people will come overwhelm them and you'll scare
them away. And then other people become malicious and use
it against you. And then some people feel bad because
they told too much, and then they back away. So
just pace yourself, I keep saying, everyone, pace yourself. If
you're working on something solid that's gonna be worth something.

(58:33):
Anything of value is worth time and effort and the
care and the consideration and the consistency that you put
into it. Otherwise, don't waste your time. Don't waste your time.
Just date, be a friend, get a group of friends
that you go weun with, you know, hang out with
your girls or your boys or whatever it is. But

(58:53):
when you want to be grown and you really think
you're ready for a relationship lonely and compain your ship,
or you want to have a person in your life
that you care for and who cares for you. That's
absolutely normal and for many people it's necessary and you
deserve it. You deserve it, and the older you get.

(59:15):
If you have an opportunity to enjoy that, don't miss it.
The do take the time to do all of the
prep work, the detective work, the transparency, and.

Speaker 4 (59:26):
You know, and when you say that that that is
important because it's okay to do the detective work.

Speaker 3 (59:35):
Oh, you absolutely have to because just because you ready
and sane and normal, people are out there still trying
to scam and hurt people. Yes, there are people. There
are people who are more proficient in how to get
your money, get your hard, get your time, and take
advantage of you. Then if they had put that into

(59:56):
an education or a job, they'd be millionaires. They would
rather the taste. And so if you are a giverer,
then you don't need to be with somebody who's just
the taker. But you've got to put some time into yourself.
Your first love is yourself. The first point of self
care is caring for yourself consistently. You know, another thing

(01:00:21):
that we tend to do if we're co dependence is
we take so much care of the other person. You know,
if we were both if we were both out in
the middle of the ocean and one of us was drowning,
that the codependent would drown trying to save the other
person and that person could swim. So you don't want

(01:00:44):
that kind of love. You want something, like I said,
If you can get an eighty twenty and you got
somebody who's giving you eighty percent of what you want
and working on twenty percent of what you need, you know,
to get that hundred percent, you're doing exactly the same thing.
Then you've got something to build on together. No projects,

(01:01:06):
you know, no pilot programs. You got something to build on.
And one of the first things that you do is
you notice how people deal with you, is there's a consistency,
If there's respect, I call, if I say I'm gonna
call you, I call you. If I say I'm going

(01:01:27):
to do this, or I want to take you out,
I show up. If I say, you know, let's do this,
and things get about, you know, overwhelming at work, I
call you and I reschedule. I make myself available to you.
I make myself able where you can text me, email me,
you know about me. I'm not hiding a second life.

(01:01:51):
When people are open with you like that, they're giving
you clues that they're open and available. But if you
can reach me, or you gotta I gotta call and
hang up, or all that kind of stuff that people
do and doing the Missus Jones think you can't. We
don't do that anymore at this age. You can't give

(01:02:13):
me substance or give me nothing. Okay, I love it.

Speaker 4 (01:02:17):
I love that. What about doctor Jeffries this question? Isn't
it insane when people stay with people when we're talking
about sanity because of what they can get from them
or what they're what they're giving. I've always wondered about

(01:02:38):
and we've heard people say this. You know, I'm with
him or her because of what they can give me,
what I can get from them, whether I don't care,
whether it's sex, it's money, I don't care, as a house,
as a car, that's now that's insanity.

Speaker 3 (01:02:56):
And and what you pay for in time, health, mental
stress and all of that is what oh you talking about?
That is insane. You may be even more insane than
the other person because that it will cost you the
price you're willing to pay. And there's nothing out there

(01:03:17):
that one person that you're hoping one person can give
you that. There's not somebody somewhere who's able to give
you that and more. But if you're going to fixate
on this person because you're there and you think it's comfortable,
or you think that they're upon and you can take
advantage of them, or whatever your reason is for staying

(01:03:38):
in a hopeless, helpless, non responsive, non satisfying relationship. Then
you're wasting God's precious time. That's a daily gift. And
when time has passed, and what happens, You may end
up dying, leaving or find out that there was nothing

(01:03:59):
there to be waiting long And what has it cost you?
You always think about the price of the college. And
I'm this type of person. If it's something that I'm
willing to go through all of that for, I'm gonna
figure out a way to get it for myself. Yes,
you know, and that includes everything that you said. Even
if it's the sex that's gone. You can find somebody,

(01:04:21):
even if you have to.

Speaker 7 (01:04:22):
Tell them what they need to do.

Speaker 3 (01:04:24):
Don't let somebody hold you hostage for what might come
in the future, because we cannot plan. We cannot plan
for that. And I would hate to see people who
and there are a lot of people who will stay
in a marriage because that's cold. They don't even like
each other. There's just two ghosts in the house together.

(01:04:44):
And then when they get old and then the other person,
they don't know how to deal with anybody else, right,
and God forbid. But what happens if you go first?
The time was wasted and you still had no joy.

Speaker 4 (01:04:58):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because I think about it, and
and I've known people who say, well, I'm not going,
especially in marriages, I'm.

Speaker 3 (01:05:07):
Not going where I got it happy.

Speaker 4 (01:05:10):
He can do or she can do? What what? Well,
I'm staying right here.

Speaker 3 (01:05:14):
A house you gonna you know, you're gonna trade your hose.
That's like saying I'm a trade I would trade my
house for uh, I trade my health for a house.
You can get another house, yes, but you don't if
you don't have good help. You don't necessarily get that,
you know. And and the thing too, that's so I

(01:05:35):
mean that means you've gone down to the basis emotion.
There's no care or love of concerning that. That's just
the desire to take something that you think that you've
earned by staying with somebody. And they don't.

Speaker 7 (01:05:50):
Even get People who are inconcrated.

Speaker 3 (01:05:52):
You know, when they get up, they don't get that much.
They don't get time for What they get is a
percentage of what they might have earned it. They've been
out productive in the world. So you've incarcerated yourself on
the maybe possibility that you're gonna get something. And there
are a lot of people who fool people when they
tell them, you know about how much money they got

(01:06:14):
in the bank or what their insurance policy is. And
my lawyer, I got a lawyer, this got my will,
and that they don't have half. You got any of
the burier especial when you want to dig them up
and kill them again, You did it. You believed it.
They're trying to get something for nothing. Get your own, get.

Speaker 4 (01:06:35):
Your own, get your own, get your own.

Speaker 3 (01:06:37):
Then you know you got it.

Speaker 4 (01:06:39):
Get your own. I love that, and and and and
when we talk about doctor Jeffries, get you know the
insanity part. I think you don't have to live that way. No,
but I think you said, doctor Jeffers. People people make choices.

Speaker 3 (01:07:00):
They do, and they make choices without thinking about and
I think we did to show about it. You to
pay the price or you pay the cost. You need
to understand those dynamics and economics. You pay the price,
or you pay the cost. And everything there is a
cost to whatever price you pay for something. That's like
people who say I'm gonna stay in this marriage for

(01:07:22):
the children. Yeah, children now with both of y'all by now,
because they know you hate each other, You're not fooling
any badance.

Speaker 4 (01:07:29):
And I always say, doctor Jefferies, children grow up to
become adults.

Speaker 3 (01:07:34):
Sometimes they do ask them what And you've got plenty
of children who whispering to whichever parent is that they
think is terrible. We can leave, we can get us
a place, we can go here. You know, the children
know better than that. And that's just an excuse because
in most instances like that, again, people are staying for

(01:07:55):
public image, for houses, for income or status or whatever
it is that's holding you there. And it may not
even be that much status. But I ain't leaving my house, right,
you give up, give up the world for a house
when they make houses every day, And I tell you,
peace in an apartment or a tiny house and it's

(01:08:18):
yours and ain't nobody, but you're in peace in there
makes a world of difference when you are living in
terror and hell and isolation and alienation and just yeah, unhappy, unloved,
don't care for. Life is just too short for that.
I keep saying that because you know we are at
this point. You know better, You know better, Folish young

(01:08:41):
people think they have the world and a whole lifetime
to live. We know better, we know better.

Speaker 4 (01:08:47):
We know better. Hold on, doctor Jeffreys, I am going
to our phone lines and see who I have w
D I a high caller.

Speaker 11 (01:08:56):
Good morning to everybody.

Speaker 4 (01:08:58):
How are you boots?

Speaker 9 (01:09:00):
Yeah, there's a mos.

Speaker 4 (01:09:01):
Yeah, what do you say?

Speaker 3 (01:09:04):
I'll say?

Speaker 11 (01:09:05):
When y'all was talking about the drama, don't you I
want to ask doctor Jeffrey when she mentioned the word
drama do you think people is living in the drama
relationship either to stay there for a reason because they
cannot do no better? And they hanging off in the
drama and thinking that disc onna change and that on

(01:09:28):
the change in which is not, and they bring on
more drama than dow and in the relationship there's no love,
there's no affection, there is no responsibility. It's about he say,
she say, or could or should have a world?

Speaker 4 (01:09:45):
All right? Thank you Bootsy by doctor Jeffers. Boosey wanted
to know that people stay there with the drama because
they can't do any better.

Speaker 3 (01:09:55):
He couldn't. I couldn't have said it better. And you
know what he was saying too, is the stay there
and they keep the drama trying to keep the person
there and they know that they have the kind of
person who is going to stay with the drama for
whatever is holding them there. So they're fighting each other
over something when they both they both know that they're

(01:10:17):
not getting anything out of it. And when people when
you hear people say well, I'm staying, I'm not giving
up my house, I'm not giving of my retirement, I'm
not giving up you know, whatever it is that you're
holding onto, it's all tangible things, all tangible things that
you stay there with. And once that happens, once you're

(01:10:38):
focused on there, then you're not looking for anything else.
And so the drama means, Okay, that's that's the price
I gotta pay. The day, we're gonna argue, we may fight.
You know, those couples know how to fight, don't leave
marks or anything. They just do. The two old people
trustling and calling and then not speaking to each other.
But they're stubborn and they're gonna stay there and make

(01:10:59):
each other miss that's their commitment. Wow, that makes that
and who does that help?

Speaker 4 (01:11:08):
Nobody?

Speaker 7 (01:11:09):
Absolutely?

Speaker 4 (01:11:11):
And as you said, doctor Jefferys, you have to think
about this. We all leaving here and then okay, that
person's gone, Okay, then what what what? What are you
gonna do that person dies off? Okay, so do you
have joy?

Speaker 8 (01:11:25):
Now?

Speaker 4 (01:11:25):
Are you happy? Or what is it?

Speaker 3 (01:11:28):
They miserable and they stay there in that house and
that person hunts them even after they gone.

Speaker 4 (01:11:36):
Oh lord, doctor Jeffers, you own it. Today's sister, hold on,
doctor Jeffers, sus that you on it. Today we are
talking how do you sustain a stable relationship? Stability, stainability,
sobriety and sanity. Last time you'll get a chance to

(01:11:58):
call doctor Jeffers if you have a question or to
a comment five three five, nine three four two eight
hundred five zero three nine three four two eight three
three five three five nine three four two will get
you in to us. You're listening to do w d
I A.

Speaker 6 (01:12:18):
The Baths Show.

Speaker 2 (01:12:55):
Union A pay.

Speaker 4 (01:13:04):
Me.

Speaker 5 (01:13:05):
I'm telling everyone come back talking.

Speaker 4 (01:13:20):
Welcome back to w d I A Doctor Jeffries. I'm
getting common man, Hi, common.

Speaker 9 (01:13:25):
Man, Hey, hey Ben, how you doing doing well?

Speaker 4 (01:13:29):
Common man in yourself?

Speaker 9 (01:13:32):
I'm doing fan doing fan Hello to doctor Jefferson. On
the other side, Hey, I was listening to all uh
talk about dramas that nature right, yes, and uh it
made me think about something I remember. I remember when
my wife and I were together, and I would say
to her that, you know, she she she would use
vocal language sometime, and I would tell her that, you know,

(01:13:54):
he wouldn't got to talk like that around the kids
and stuff, And so she she couldn't understand why. But
to you and doctor Jeffers, what do you say about
children that grow up in those type of environments where
the parents or the boyfriend or girlfriend may be verbally
abusive to one another, maybe even physically or not necessarily

(01:14:15):
even the parents, just in an environment the neighbors yelling
up and down the street, hollering and cussing, and you know,
all those type of things. How children are end up
maybe growing up and feeling like this is the way
to live because this is all they know, you know, this,
this is what they learn, you know. So what do
you all say about how those type of environments might
affect the children as they grew up and become adults.

Speaker 4 (01:14:39):
Okay, thank you common man, all right, appreciate you, Bye bye.
What do you say to that, doctor Jeffers?

Speaker 3 (01:14:46):
I thought for sure common man was gonna give his
thoughts on that. But yeah, but you know, where there's
this forem that their children live what they learn yes.
And in some cases, parents can't help where they live
and what their children are exposed to outside of the home.
But what they are responsible for is making sure that

(01:15:09):
their children understand why those things are happening and what's
acceptable in this house and by you and by the children.
So when you say you know, yes, so and so
does that. But that's not the way that we treat
each other. That's not the way that a man is
supposed to treat a woman, or a woman is supposed

(01:15:29):
to talk to her a mother is supposed to talk
to her children. So you can take negative experiences that
your children may witness, but you put it in context
with the message that you want them to understand about
what that means in terms of them and their behavior. Otherwise,
children will adopt. Children will adopt behaviors what they see

(01:15:53):
on TV, the music that they listen to, the way
that they dress, and all of that. Parents responsible ability
is to always give their take on what we do
in this house and this is why that's acceptable, and
this is why that is not acceptable here, you know,
and if it is occurring in your house, at some

(01:16:16):
point you first have to deal with yourself and maybe
with some out help with family or professional help as well.
Why am I allowing myself to be terrorized in my
home by somebody who professes to love me? Now, the
scariest things that men or women go through when they

(01:16:36):
try to leave somebody who's abusive to them is leaving.
But what you'll find is that if you stay, the
odds of you being able to walk out are sadly
reduced the longer you stay and the more outrageous the
person behaves. So when most people wait until there's seriously

(01:17:00):
hurts you know. But those are things you talk about
before somebody moves in, before you get married, before your
kids are exposed to you. How do you handle your anger?

Speaker 7 (01:17:11):
Have you ever hit a man or a woman?

Speaker 3 (01:17:13):
Do you use profanity when you get upset? You know?
Do you put your hands on somebody when you get frustrated?
Those are conversations that you ask questions about and you
hold them accountable to that. Did you ever have balance
as a reason that you broke up with somebody? You know?

(01:17:35):
And then you google and look, that's when the background
stuff comes in. If you're getting serious enough to talk,
you do background checks on people because people will laugh
to you to tell you what they think that you
want to hear and you're wasting your time and possibly
putting yourself and your kids at risk. If you don't
fat check, and anybody who gets upset about you fat checking,

(01:18:00):
then they may be too immature for you to deal with.

Speaker 10 (01:18:02):
I don't know you.

Speaker 3 (01:18:03):
I'm trying to get to know you, and I don't
love you yet. I'm trying to trying to see if
I want to be able to love you. So what's
the problem. Why do you Why does this upset you
that I'm trying to find out who it is.

Speaker 7 (01:18:14):
I'm talking to?

Speaker 3 (01:18:15):
Who are who am I having around my children? If
that is upsetting to them, they already answered your question
right and take them at their word and their answer.

Speaker 4 (01:18:27):
That's right, that's right. Hey, that's right, doctor Jefferson. I
think that the last week and this week, and I
know a lot of people listening, and they listen, I
hope they got a good understanding that if you want
a sustain a stable relationship, we need stability, sustainability, sobriety

(01:18:48):
and sanity. Your last words, doctor Jefferys, you like to
say this.

Speaker 3 (01:18:54):
Day beb you wrap that up.

Speaker 4 (01:19:00):
On the road today. I love you, I love I
love these clots out and wrote him down. I got
you down.

Speaker 10 (01:19:09):
That's the truth.

Speaker 3 (01:19:10):
You go tell you something that you can think about
it when you start feeling week talking. Oh but he's
so good, he's so cute, down and say yeah, get
you a mirror, you know, right, you know, get you
a mirror and start working on yourself.

Speaker 7 (01:19:23):
You be the cute one, you know.

Speaker 3 (01:19:25):
But don't let anybody still in your joint or your
son in the words of Bill Johnson, and don't let
anybody minimize your perception and your respect for yourself and
your ability to love yourself. The moment they do you,
you lose your personal accountability and responsibility for being a

(01:19:46):
mature adult.

Speaker 4 (01:19:49):
I like it, Doctor Dorothy Jefferies. Thank you, doctor Jefferies.
It's it's good. Can't wait till next week.

Speaker 3 (01:19:56):
All right, I see what's cooking.

Speaker 4 (01:19:59):
I know you see what's cause. Be safe, baby girl.

Speaker 3 (01:20:02):
You all. I'm gonna be like I'm forgetful. I ain't
gonna do I'm not gonna mess up on the radio.
I ain't gonna do that when you put me off.

Speaker 4 (01:20:15):
Okay, thank you, doctor Jeffries.

Speaker 3 (01:20:19):
All right, have a good weekend, and you too.

Speaker 4 (01:20:22):
Bye bye. Bye bye bye. That is our Behavioral and
Relationships consultant, Doctor Dorothy Jeffries. You just got a lover.
I want to thank you callers. I want to thank
you listeners all week long. Whop listened. We do, we

(01:20:42):
really do appreciate you. So until tomorrow, Oh, let me
see this before I say tomorrow. Let me say on Sunday,
I will be worshiping with the Mount Olive c Emmy
Church by eight doctor Martin Luther King Avenue. They are

(01:21:03):
celebrating their Women's Day. I love their theme boots on
the Ground, women walking in Faith and yours truly. I
will be their morning worship speaker. Yeah. Will y'all come
on out to the Mount I live seeing me Church
five thirty eight Doctor Martin Luther King Avenue on Sunday morning. Yeah.

(01:21:25):
And their theme boots on the Ground women walking in Faith.
I love that. Yeah, I do, I do. I do.
Thank y'all for having me. I appreciate it. Can't wait
a Sunday, So until tomorrow, please be saved. Cay for
cool head. Y'all, don't let anyone steal your joy. Until tomorrow.

(01:21:47):
I'm bev Johnson and y'all keep the faith Mark Baker
take Me Home, Boyfriend.

Speaker 1 (01:22:00):
A Pisons discussed on the book translations

Speaker 4 (01:22:07):
Sponsor the