Relationship Stability with Dr. Dorothy Jeffries

The Must Haves in having a stable relationship with Behavioral Relationship Consultant Dr. Dorothy Jeffries on The Bev Johnson Show on WDIA Radio.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Memphis probably presents the Ben Johnson Show.

Speaker 2 (00:08):
Let me say, Beth stop me first, let me you say.

Speaker 3 (00:21):
She's gone Emphis stop game.

Speaker 4 (00:28):
No matter of the problem, she can have so all.

Speaker 5 (00:33):
A phono.

Speaker 6 (00:36):
Normans on your mind. She was there Jimmy in the
hair by telling you to just keep them fa.

Speaker 5 (00:48):
When arindle a pegging up fifth in joke, because well,
I've got something game happy.

Speaker 2 (00:57):
You can hear every day.

Speaker 7 (01:00):
I well bell got me a missed king.

Speaker 5 (01:48):
Good morning, good morning, good morning, and welcome into w
d i A The Bev Johnson Show.

Speaker 2 (01:56):
Hi, I'm Bev.

Speaker 5 (01:57):
It is indeed a pleasure to have you with us
on this Friday, May thirtieth, twenty twenty five.

Speaker 2 (02:04):
Enjoy this fabulous day to day.

Speaker 5 (02:07):
It is Relationship Day where we talk about relationships to
help make yours healthy, happy, wholesome, wonderful, and most of
all loving between consenting adults. We'll do that with our expert,
our behavioral and relationship consultant, doctor Dorothy Jeffries. We'll be

(02:28):
talking with us this day.

Speaker 2 (02:30):
When it is your turn to talk, you know you can.

Speaker 5 (02:33):
Nine zero one five three five nine three four two
is a number or eight hundred five zero three nine
three four two eight three three five three five nine
three four two. We'll get you in to us. If

(02:55):
you can't call, we welcome emails. Email me with your
question or two. Bev Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com. Bev
Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com. And if this day, this day, Friday,

(03:21):
May thirtieth, twenty twenty five, is your birthday.

Speaker 2 (03:27):
Happy birthday to each and every one.

Speaker 5 (03:28):
Of y'all out there who may be celebrating a birthday
on this day, May thirtieth, Saturday, May thirty, first Sunday,
June first, Welcome in June. Yeah, happy birthday, y'all. Go
out and celebrate your life. You better, you bet it.

Speaker 2 (03:49):
When we come back, I'll share some WDIA goodwill announcements,
and we'll talk to our behavioral relationship consultant, doctor Dorothy
Jeffries and me Bev Johnson on The Bev Johnson Show
only on Double you d I A.

Speaker 5 (04:54):
Happening next right here on Double d I A The
Bev Johnson Show.

Speaker 3 (05:13):
Hi, this is David Porter, and you are listening to
the Queen of Talk, Bev Johnson.

Speaker 2 (05:18):
She is the one and only.

Speaker 6 (05:20):
No one can talk her, no one can stop her.

Speaker 5 (05:22):
And I'm in love with her.

Speaker 8 (05:24):
You listen to Bev Johnson at w D I.

Speaker 6 (05:27):
A no over the time, working hard to bring you
hotaday love, saying.

Speaker 5 (06:10):
Good morning and welcome back to WDI A relationship day
on this Friday, May thirtieth, twenty twenty five. Wherever you are,
our hope you are doing well and it will be
a fabulous weekend. We're back in the saddle, always gonna
take care some business, my sister friend, our behavioral and

(06:33):
relationship consultant.

Speaker 2 (06:36):
Doctor do it.

Speaker 5 (06:37):
The Jeffries is in the house. Good morning to you,
doctor Jeffries.

Speaker 3 (06:43):
Good morning, good morning.

Speaker 9 (06:45):
How are you.

Speaker 2 (06:46):
I'm doing well today. How are you today? It is
a beautiful day, Lord a mercy, doctor Jeffries. The rain
is stopped.

Speaker 10 (06:53):
Man.

Speaker 2 (06:53):
We've had rain all week, all last week. So if
the sun is the sun is shining in Memphis, ten see,
so it's a good thing.

Speaker 3 (07:02):
Well it's a little overcast here, but we it's drift.
So that's what we'll take. We'll take that is drift.

Speaker 2 (07:07):
We'll take that as dry.

Speaker 5 (07:08):
That's right, right right, Well, today this morning a topic
of conversation and I think I like it.

Speaker 2 (07:14):
And we're going to talk about how do you have stable.

Speaker 5 (07:17):
Relationships, and there are four things that are critical to
having stable relationships. So let's talk about that. And before
you start, let me tell our listeners. When it's your
turn to talk. You know you have the numbers, let
me give them to you. If you don't have them
nine zero one five three five, nine three four two
eight hundred five zero three nine three four two eight

(07:42):
three three five three five nine three four two. If
you can't call, email us your question or what's going
on with you, email me Bev Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com.
Bev Johnson at iHeart me ya dot com. All right,

(08:02):
doctor Jeffries, you know to have a stable relationship, we're
going to talk about some things.

Speaker 3 (08:07):
We need to have and we need to do well.
You know that we've been we always talk about different
aspects of relationships and why it's important that people do
have wholesome, healthy and happy relationships. That's something that we
yearn for, that's something that we deserve, and that's something
that will enrich our lives. When you have the type

(08:30):
of person involved in your life that improves, enhances, makes
you feel good that you contribute to their health and
happiness as well, so that all of your time is
not spent on drama and external factors and other people
and what have you. But you can just enjoy yourself. Well.

(08:52):
The problem comes as we age, and particularly some people
have been in relationships good, better, ugly or indifferent for
so long. If they make a decision to go out
and become involved in a relationship or just companionship or
whatever it is that you want, it's difficult because first

(09:15):
finding available partners, and then finding people that meet your expectation,
and then trying to figure out if there's chemistry or
some sense of attraction or some mutual thing that or
topic or interest that can generate at least the beginning
of it. And I say that because in reality, most

(09:38):
people still rely on I'm going out tonight. I hope
I meet somebody that's good so that I can fall
in love forever and ever.

Speaker 11 (09:47):
And be happy.

Speaker 12 (09:48):
These are ages, not a definer advance.

Speaker 3 (09:51):
There are people, older people, Younger people are still looking
for the thunderboats of meeting somebody out of the blue
and you know, the harp start playing and what haveing
that is? And then later and sometime sooner than later,
they find out what was I think you know who
is this person? Who am I with this person? So

(10:15):
my thinking on this topic is to provide some cornerstone
things that we can begin to think about before we
go out, you know, looking or hoping to meet or
see somebody, that we can be a little more determined
and actionary and I pursuit as opposed to being passive

(10:38):
and hoping something comes our way. And when when you're
intentional in what it is that you want or that
you need or that you're hoping to find, then you
don't waste your time looking at all kinds of useless
non essential directions. You know exactly what you're looking for,
You know enough about what you're looking for, you know

(11:00):
where you probably could find a possibility of what you're
looking for, and you know how to eliminate immediately if
not sooner. What is non essential? And what is somebody
that is absolutely not close to what you're looking for?
But this is the key. You have to do the

(11:21):
prep work first to decide and be clear what is it,
what type of person, what type of characteristics, what type
of background, what type of physical attributes, what type of
emotional or mental attributes that you want? And what kinds

(11:42):
of situation have they created for their life where they
are that you find appealing and compatible with where you are.
And that's like with everybody that you have this intention with,
because when you do hook crook amiss, then you usually miss.
You know, go in looking at somebody and they got

(12:05):
one out of ten, they look good, then you're getting
somebody that's an option, or you're you're getting a project,
or you're getting somebody that you're going to build up.
And then once you build up a parent them or
take care of them or whatever it is that they're needing,
you know, in their deficient areas, then they're going to go.
So we need to be very very proficient in being

(12:29):
clear about what it is we want. Once you set
that in place, then you can kind of add or
subtract as you go what's doable, what's not doable, what's permissible,
was not permissible, what you are willing to work with.
But if you go out there blind and just hoping,
then that's exactly what you get, a piece of blind
hope that never manifests itself.

Speaker 2 (12:52):
M So you're saying.

Speaker 5 (12:55):
And again a lot of people, and especially people who
are older, are still looking for some kind of relationship,
some kind of companionship. Even though you're you saying, doctor Jeffers,
even though you may be older and you think you.

Speaker 2 (13:10):
Know it all, there are some things you still need
to know and look at.

Speaker 3 (13:16):
Absolutely okay, and what we're really saying. And I think
there are a lot of elders who have been very
much aware of this. Everybody needs a good friend, a confidant,
somebody they're comfortable with, somebody that they trust. If they're
doing no more than just meeting and sitting on the
front porch and sharing conversation, there is a relationship there

(13:39):
that's comfortending and contributing to both of them. So you
know what you want. You know, you may have your place,
he may have his place, and nobody talking about moving
into nobody's place or any of that. We're just good friends.
If that's what you want, that's what you look for.
And then if that's what you see, and if somebody

(14:02):
comes in they want something different, a little more intimate,
or a little more you know, involve, you can immediately
say that's not where I am right now. And I'm
particularly concerned about younger people who seem to have no
clue other than visual stimuli about what appeals to them.

(14:23):
Somebody looks good. Somebody smells good, if they're driving something
that looks good to you, if their clothes come from
a known brand or what have you. If they're flashing money,
if they you know, buying drinks and all around for them.
And I mean even somebody, do they dance good and
you know they it's so basic you not even build

(14:47):
a decent friendship on that. You know, you have to
know a little bit more about people, and you have
to know about what their intentions are. They may be
out just flashing for the night and a barge soon
and a ready cough, you know, with money that they
happen to win at the casino, and once that's gone,
they have broke again. So you everything is not what

(15:08):
it appears to be. So you have to be cautious
enough and mature enough to know how to be observant
with king realistic observation skills, and to be able to
discern when somebody is being truthful and forfright with you.

Speaker 5 (15:30):
And interesting you said that. The other day, I had
this conversation with this young man and he and he
almost said the same thing doctor Jefferys about in relationships,
like like, uh, you know, looking for if he was
talking about the women woman looks good and and and
a woman and he said, I'm not all for showing

(15:52):
all this and that, he said.

Speaker 2 (15:54):
And I'm I want something stable. I want something it's
it's more than that.

Speaker 5 (16:00):
And we had this good conversation, and I'm thinking, like, Okay,
I hear what you're talking about, brothers and.

Speaker 2 (16:06):
Some of the same things that you were just saying.

Speaker 3 (16:11):
It is when you think about what your life style.
Let's say that you are a young person. You have
done what you're supposed to do in terms of getting
an education, be it vocational, be it an apprenticeship, being
in college, being entrepreneurship. But let's say that you've been
successful and you have set up a situation where you're

(16:36):
doing okay. You have no financial worries, you have investments
and things, and your business is prospering and you don't
waste money. You know, you're very considered about what things
that you engage your business in, who you are and
all those kinds of things. So your business is secure,

(16:57):
You have a nice place for yourself. You drive a
reasonable car, or maybe it's a fancy car. But what
you're looking for then is for companionship or somebody that
you feel comfortable enough with it. Who's going to be
dating you? Not the business, not the potential, not the

(17:19):
car or the people that you're associalated, but that person
is dating you. And so if they're dating you, you
have to find something in common with them other than
how they look or how excited or impressed they are
about what you have. That's very telling when somebody is
so overly impressed by what you have and that's all

(17:42):
they're talking about, and then they immediately want to try
to rush the dating process. That's a real plague. They
don't know anything about your character, your background, how you
accure all of this. They just know what you have
now and they participate. But what do they bring it

(18:03):
to the table? You know, are you a kind of
person who wants even stephens? You know, if I got
abc D, you got to have a lease, A, B
and C. You know, for me to feel that we're equal,
that we have something in common. And that's what a
lot of people don't understand. If you don't see in

(18:25):
the beginning where you're meeting this person on some level
of commonality, some some mutual experience or background or goals
or whatever it is. Because some people meet they're both
broken poor, but they're determined their goal or and they
work together and then that's the basis of their relationships.

(18:49):
But if one person has more and the other person
has less, there has to be something else in there
that's very compelling or intriguing to the other person with
who is better off, that would make them want to
be interested in them. And that's not how necessarily how
they look, or what the name brands, clothes are and

(19:12):
all of that. It has to be something personality wise,
or how that person makes them feel when they're together,
or something that that person contributes that they've not experienced
with anybody else. So if you think about any terms,
then we start thinking about what what do I have?

(19:33):
What what is it about me that my friends like?
Or what is it about me if I'm just being
myself where I don't have to be pretentious or I
don't have to, you know, go out and spend more money,
I do not have to try to dress a certain
way or you know, to kind of show both to

(19:55):
be seen, I'm just me, Because if you're just you,
there's a another person who sees that. No matter where
they are, they see that, and that's what will draw
them to you. That's the first sign of genuine this.
So you can't be you know, here's the truth. You
can't be anybody else but yourself. Anything else you do.

(20:20):
You can put the hair on, you can cut the
hair in certain shades. You can put the name brand
clothes on, you can take help most of the clothes off,
you can drive the fence. At the end of the day,
it's still going to be you doing all of that.
And that's the person. Eventually they're going that's either going
to sell you or make you miss this part. This

(20:43):
person's point. So you have to first begin to accept
that and find out what you like about that. And
that's what you promote.

Speaker 2 (20:53):
Okay.

Speaker 5 (20:54):
And and I was thinking as you were saying all that,
I laughed, doctor Jeffers, because the young man we were talking,
he was saying that he was in the grocery store
and he saw this lady say she said she looked
good physical and stuff, so you know, she was dressed.
When he give a count, he said, uh, ma'am, you
look you look.

Speaker 3 (21:13):
No.

Speaker 5 (21:14):
No, he said, what's your name or or and he said,
you look very very very good today. You look really well,
you know, and said the lady said. She answered it, Uh,
you're gonna pay for my grocery. You need to look
like and so and I'm gonna tell you what he said.
He said, ma'am, I was just giving you a compliment.

(21:35):
And so he said, he went on by his business,
and and and and he went on by.

Speaker 2 (21:40):
He said, that.

Speaker 5 (21:41):
Woman and after it followed him all over the store
because he and what he what he got from that,
He says, she's not used to rejection. He said, she
looked well, looked good, and so probably all men just
probably fall all over her, he said, But I was
just giving her compliment.

Speaker 2 (21:58):
Asked her, what's her name? She said, you're gonna pay
for my groceries?

Speaker 3 (22:02):
What She's used to people baiting her following the base.
So she's been used to being disappointed.

Speaker 2 (22:11):
Right, That's that's exact.

Speaker 13 (22:14):
Yes, she used to being disupported.

Speaker 3 (22:16):
But she's gonna tinue to fish using the same base
and eat without even thinking of it. Has this worked
at all with anybody?

Speaker 13 (22:26):
Because you give a.

Speaker 3 (22:27):
Double message, then you know when you respond so quickly
to that, I mean, he's talking about apples, you start
talking about potatoes, gonna pay for my grocery. Then that
sense to him you're hungry, you have you have a
whole that you know he has the fears to think
about do I even want to see the depth of
this that you can't accept the compliment without it being

(22:51):
exchanged for something. And that's probably how she has been
bargaining with it, and and again not very successful.

Speaker 5 (23:00):
Okay, I want to start when we talk about having
a stable relationship, and I know you said there are
four critical things.

Speaker 2 (23:09):
Let's start off with that first. First thing.

Speaker 3 (23:14):
We can talk about, Yes, let's talk about what stable
people do. You know, when you are with being stable
about your situation, you don't have unexpected crisis. Most things
you anticipate as an adult that this may happen. You know,
for example, you gotta have you someplace to live right right,

(23:36):
even if you are living with somebody else, you need
to have some place to live that you're not worried
about a being evicted, b your utility being turned down.

Speaker 14 (23:51):
The upkeep up.

Speaker 3 (23:52):
Where you're living, whether it's safe and all of that.
You have got a place, and you focus on creating
that type of thing environment as the individual who lived there,
so that when you go in there you do feel
like it's safe and it's a good place to be.
People who are living from pillar to posts, or they
get places and then they don't stay in there because

(24:16):
you know, I didn't pay my rent, or you know,
I let a whole bunch of people come in and
then I lose place because they tore up the place.
I mean all kinds of stuff that teenagers and college
students do because they're being irresponsible. If you're dating a
man or a woman and she has no place to live,

(24:38):
you want to think about that what happened? You know,
is this something that has never happened before? Is this
something that just happened to you? And you know, how
did you get into this situation? And then the next
question is now, how can I help you? What are
your plans? And listening to that the other and that's

(25:00):
just environmental stability, financial stability. How do you take care
of yourself? How do you earn your money if you
are well? And it's particularly interesting, see like with the
young woman, say you're gonna pay for my grocery? You
in here shopping? Are you gonna just shopping for? Somebody says, yeah,

(25:21):
I'll pay for your groceries or do you have resources yourself,
do you work? Do you manage your finances? And if
you do have consistent money coming in, how do you
manage it? Is it every time you get a paycheck
on Friday. By Monday you borrow and bust that because
you don't have enough money to put gas in your car?

(25:43):
I mean people live to those kinds of extremes, or
you have to catch you out with somebody else because
you don't have a car, and where you live, it's
not on the bus ride. You never thinking about these things,
so you create these dependency networks that tie people out.
Do you have roommates and you forty years old? Or

(26:06):
do you have multiple children at home and you're responsible
for them too, and you're still not managing all of
that said, you don't know how to handle money, and
if you don't know how to handle money, you're.

Speaker 9 (26:20):
Going to have financial emergencies.

Speaker 3 (26:24):
Some of them may be unexpected, which we all have.
But when we have unexpected emergency, we also have prepared
ourselves to a source.

Speaker 15 (26:34):
Where we can buy.

Speaker 3 (26:35):
Somebody, a source where we saved some money, or the
resource where we can handle it. We take care. But
if you don't have a plan for those unexpected emergencies.
Then you know this is somebody who's going to be
in a crisis, down to saying, are you gonna pay
for my my grocery? There is the person reliable in

(26:57):
the very beginning. When you meet somebody and you say,
and this is male or female, I'm gonna call you,
I'm gonna call you tomorrow, or i'll call you on Monday, whatever.
You don't hear from them for several days, and then
two or three weeks later they call you. They have
already established that it's not a high priority to be

(27:19):
connected to you. Their assumption is that you're just waiting
for them to come around, and you'll be so excited
whenever I call that you'll take the call or you'll
continue with it. They're giving you a clue. They're not
reliable on what they say. If they're not reliable on
what they say, I promise you they will not be
reliable on what they do. And the third thing that

(27:43):
you want to consider that you may not be ready
to consider it. They were not just that into you.
The number that they got, and maybe they collected a
lot of numbers that they just got around to your numbers.
But people who are interested in you, that want to
follow up, get to know you better, want to see
you more, will do that. They will make their intentions know,

(28:06):
so you will have consistency in that. And if they
say whatever it is that they say, they keep their words,
they stand by that, or they explain, you know, I know,
I said we could go out tomorrow, but unfortunately I
have to work, or I got a family crisis coming up,
or I've got to do this other thing, but let's

(28:27):
schedule it for another day. That's reliable maturity. Okay, So
that what you tell me I can believe. I don't
have to wonder. I don't have to start looking up
with you on Facebook or you know, trying to put
your finger on the phone so I can see what
your message is on. And how do you handle conflict resolution?

(28:48):
You have people who especially now during this political time
where you don't know all the time what will trigger people.
You know, sometimes people cannot talk about religion, they can't
talk about they can't talk about politics, they can't talk
about their family, they can't talk about their excess. So
if you have that many lines, mandlines that you have

(29:12):
to step over, then unless you're in the dynamite, you
don't want to deal with that this, and then you
go off, you screaming and hollering, and then we're in
an argument, you know, or either I'm passive and I'm
not gonna scream in holler with you, and so I'm
sitting there feeling a little anxious and terrified, or I'm
not gonna let you talk to me like that, and

(29:34):
so now we're both screaming in hormer. That's not something
you wanted to begin in the sumthing. So being able
to be stable financially, emotionally, mental, environmentally, those are key
things that you want to look for in the very beginning.
And if you're not stable at that point, you want

(29:57):
to take care that improve that before you talk about
a serious relationship. If you just want to date somebody
and you know what I do when I'm not seeing
you as fine, then that's fine. But you still, as
you mature and grow, you want to take care and
become more stable so that you can show yourself you
are who I depend on and I've got you. If

(30:21):
you can't depend on yourself, then that's a that's another topic.

Speaker 2 (30:26):
I love it. I love it. We're on a good start, doctor, Jeffries.
I like that first one. Stability. Are y'all stable out there?
We are talking and to have a.

Speaker 5 (30:37):
Stable and healthy relationship. There are some four things that
you need to know. We're talking with our consultant, behavioral
relationship consultant, doctor Dorothy Jeffries, is here. If you have
a question or two for doctor Jeffries. We invite you
to call nine zero one five three, five, nine three

(30:59):
four two eight hundred five zero three nine three four
two eight three three five three five nine three four.

Speaker 2 (31:10):
Two will get you in to us.

Speaker 5 (31:13):
We're getting ready to go to the other side of
the Bev Johnson Show right here on dou.

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W d i A The Bev Johnson Show.

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Whether you're in Arkansas, Tennessee, or Mississippi on Facebook, Twitter,
or Instagram. Thank you for listening to The Bev Johnson
Show on dou W d IA Memphis.

Speaker 6 (32:05):
Bell Justin' Show, Bell Top Time, Best Talking and Home Away.

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Help you go, you go, don't getting ready in time show.

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Show, Let's go Bell Justin We.

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Make your day right here, Wrong Talk.

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You d.

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Listen to one today?

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You know it's Time of the Belts Show, Time of
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Let's go.

Speaker 5 (32:44):
We are rocking and rolling on this Friday, May thirtieth,
twenty twenty five. Enjoyed this fabulous day to day. It
is a relationship day where we talk about relationships to
help make yours healthy, happy, wholesome, wonderful, most of all
living between sending adults.

Speaker 2 (33:01):
We're doing that with our expert.

Speaker 5 (33:02):
Our behavioral relationship consultant, doctor Dorothy Jeffries. We're talking about
those things to help you have a stable relationship critical
to your relationship. We've already talked about stability, which is
really important, doctor Jeffries. Before I get back to you,
I'm going to our phone lines to talk to our

(33:26):
friend common man.

Speaker 2 (33:29):
Hey, common man, what.

Speaker 4 (33:32):
Hey, what's going on?

Speaker 2 (33:33):
You got it?

Speaker 3 (33:34):
Brother?

Speaker 4 (33:36):
N Everything's good.

Speaker 15 (33:37):
How you doing?

Speaker 4 (33:38):
Doctor Jeffers over there on the other side, Hey, yeah,
hey Bill, Yeah, Well listen to you all and I'll
listen to you. And I heard you think about the
young man that you were talking to inexperience he had
in the store with the young lady, right. You know,
it immediately made me think about, you know, how we
were talk growing up. You know when with the other

(33:59):
people house is you know, you act appropriately, you don't
be big for people, food and different things like that.

Speaker 2 (34:05):
Right.

Speaker 4 (34:05):
But anyway, anyway, regarding this guy's experience, it really puzzles me.
And I'm serious, not trying to be funny. It puzzles me.
How some women sung, you know, if you ask me,
it's her man said, it's where she come from. She
hasn't been taught or trained to present herself like a

(34:27):
young lady should and a respect respectable manner. Because any
young woman that has been taught in a proper manner,
she would have known better than than to do that.

Speaker 5 (34:37):
It's interesting, common man, you said that because the young
man we also talked about home training is no home training,
and he talked about that, he said, I meant a
lot of exactly because how we got on the conversation
where I was talking asking what's does he date?

Speaker 2 (34:52):
He said, no, man, I'm not dating because it's nothing
out there to date.

Speaker 5 (34:57):
And this guy, common man. He I asked him his age.
He told me he was forty four.

Speaker 4 (35:05):
Uh huh. And it's amazing.

Speaker 11 (35:07):
It's amazing.

Speaker 4 (35:10):
And I highly emphasized some because this wan't apply to
all women, because women carry themselves like women, you know.
But what amazed me is a woman and she's correct
and saying that a man shouldn't ask for certain things.
So soon, you know, like I may meet you today
and ask you for a kiss tomorrow. So I meet

(35:31):
you today and this time next week, I'm trying to
ask you to come up and spend the night. A
lot of women donna feel like that too soon, you know,
And I probably in a lot of cases will be
out of order for asking that lady that. So you know,
like I say to me, a man said how she
was raised or how she grew up, what type of
environment she come from to think it was okay to

(35:52):
say how you're gonna pay for fine? Grossmy, that was
a total turnoff. That was a total turnoff. And you know,
I will say that. You know, I got enough sense,
enough maturity not to think all women are like that
or all women are going to come across like that.
But for those who may be listening that may have
done that sometime or another, don't do that because it's
a turnoff. That person could have been a good guy

(36:15):
and maybe pretending that they couldn't developed some God know
each other whatever, you know. But the same thing apply
for men. It's just certain things you shouldn't do. So soon,
you know, like like do jeff said, what were you going.

Speaker 10 (36:27):
To do that?

Speaker 4 (36:27):
And I said, anything to you, right, you know exactly,
and so you know, I mean, come on now, just
just you know, be better than that.

Speaker 2 (36:35):
Yeah, And he said he was just you know, she
looked like just giving her a compliment.

Speaker 11 (36:41):
That's it, you know.

Speaker 9 (36:42):
And and you should, you should, and women won't.

Speaker 4 (36:45):
They like compliments, but know how to retrieve a compliment
and still remain later like you know, or or you know,
carry yourself in a proper Maunds unless certain things come
out of your mouth at certain times that shouldn't come
out of your mouth.

Speaker 5 (36:59):
I agree, go put me in in with us, all right,
you too, Yeah, I like doctor Jeffries would come him
in said yeah, he kind of agreed with you.

Speaker 16 (37:08):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (37:08):
And like you said, not every woman is.

Speaker 3 (37:11):
Like that, right, But I think that far too many
of the younger women missed some of that cultural training
that was just inbred to most of us. You know,
the older group's arned that that was just given if
it wasn't given by your people, the people in your
house or your family, and somebody was your neighbor, your teacher,

(37:35):
somebody at the church, somebody was gonna tell you how
to act.

Speaker 5 (37:38):
That's right, You're absolutely correct, all right, Doctor Jeffries. Number two,
we talked about stability. Now, stainability if you you know,
it depends on what you want.

Speaker 3 (37:51):
If you're looking for somebody to date, then the only
thing you have to sustain is the availability of people
to be. That means that you have to be highly
engaged in social activities or groups or clubs or things
like that where you meet enough different people who share

(38:11):
your interests and things that you can find things that
you can do together or you like to entertain, to
have people come over to your house for dinner or
small dinner parties or whatever. But the sustainability for dating
with no strings attached means that you should be interesting enough,

(38:32):
outgoing enough, energetic enough, and healthy enough that you can
maintain the energy needed, you know, to enjoy yourself, not
wearing yourself out and all of that, but to enjoy
yourself and to enjoy meeting all the different people that
you would meet. That's a pretty reasonable thing. But now,
sustainability as a couple or as a potential couple means

(38:57):
that you see enough in this person and you're able
to provide enough in this potential relationship that whatever comes
up then you can see it through. You can because
like I said, life is going to hand you all
kinds of crisis or problems and what have you. If

(39:19):
you by yourself, you have to work it out by yourself.
If you're with a couple, you assume that the two
of you are going to share whatever it is and
look for joint solutions and figure out how we can
move beyond this so that it doesn't, you know, take
us under what have you. Sustainability is the forefront of

(39:40):
what both of you have in mind towrdure relationship. You
don't have the idea, well, okay, we've been seeing each
other six months, this is getting a little old. Then
I'm going to either start seeing somebody on the side
or start talking to somebody on the side. Especially if
you have an agreement that this is supposed to be

(40:04):
a committed monogamous relationship. If you are single, if you
both single, then you have the right to see other
people as long as you want to and as long
as you inform this other person, you know, so that
everybody has informed consent about what it is they're participating in.
Sustaining whatever it is that you choose for your social partnership, relationship, marriage, coupleship,

(40:35):
whatever you want to call it, look for how you
want to sustain it. But one of the key things
that you have to do is have to have in
order to do that is have a person with enough
maturity and mutual interest to be willing to work towards sustainability.

Speaker 5 (40:56):
So have the availability when you talk about being available,
being available, and again I'm glad you emphasize again when
you're just dating someone, you you have that option that
you're dating that if you want.

Speaker 2 (41:13):
To see somebody else or date somebody else, you have.

Speaker 3 (41:15):
That option absolutely, But don't present. Don't present like you're
the only person. I'm singing right. You know, Oh, I
can't go out with you tomorrow. My mom's sick, so
I'm gonna have to look after her. Or I promised
my brother I would babysit for him. You know, no, no, no, no,
I'm sorry, but I've made up print and and when

(41:38):
you and and this should happen probably in the beginning,
where you don't put all your apples in one basket.
If you are do see other people, continue to do
something until you're given reason, and you know, and you've
observed enough, and you your intuition is telling you this

(41:59):
person is interested in you, you know, and then you
have a conversation to make sure I'm not misreading what
I'm thinking and feeling and assuming about where we're headed.
What are your intentions? Why do you feel about this?

Speaker 15 (42:14):
You know?

Speaker 3 (42:14):
Do you see other people? And if so, is there
something you want to continue to do? And if not,
then how will you How will I know when you've
made a firm decision about that? Are you going to
speak to these other people and tell them that you're
seeing somebody else? And then we agree that this is monogamous,

(42:36):
that we're working on one on one relationship. And what
are your reservations about this? You know, when was the
last time you did it? This is when you get
all the questions out of the way, because when you
fail to get all the questions out of the way,
that's where the little things with jealousy come up. Oh,

(42:56):
I didn't know that you want a team, a mixed
team where men and women were bowling once a week
or once a month. How can you never told me
about that? You know, that's something you do once a
week or once a month. That's a big thing. Either
sometimes doing the thing, invite me to go along and
play or watch or whatever. Or you know, did you

(43:18):
used to day somebody on it? Those are the things
that you you know, could come up and create areas
of mistrust or create unnecessary kinds of issues. So you
do you don't have to do a laundry list and
talk about everybody that you've been with. But if you
are still involved at some level of interaction, for example,

(43:44):
if you have children, buy an X and if you
have multiple children by multiple exes, are they all exits?
You know, some ex believe because they have your child?
Or does that we deal with this person. We're gonna
both have to deal with this person. How long have

(44:05):
you dealt with this person like that? Do you you
spend time with her? I go to see my child,
But do you go to the house to see the
child and spend time with her? Do you go pick
up a child and you know, for example, bring the
child over here?

Speaker 2 (44:19):
So yeah, easy.

Speaker 5 (44:21):
So I was gonna say, doctor Jeffrey, so that it
is always good and in order for you to ask
the critical questions, I got to know.

Speaker 3 (44:34):
I don't want anybody blindside and me because you don't
know who may stalk. You know more about what's going
on with this person than you do, and they come
up on you. What you're doing with my woman, what
you're doing seeing my man. You know that kind of thing.
I need to know. I need to know. I don't
need to be blindsided right by that. And if you

(44:56):
if your child is twelve years old, it still feels
like she or he is in bobbed And who you
see and what you do, now that's that's not a
past relationship, that's a current relationship.

Speaker 2 (45:12):
Okay, Doctor Jeffries.

Speaker 3 (45:15):
To get taken care of out.

Speaker 2 (45:18):
In the open.

Speaker 5 (45:19):
So we've talked about stability and now stainability. Before we
go on to next, Doctor Jeffries, I'm going to our
phone lines. So folks are holding they're waiting to talk
with you. So hold on, doctor Jeffries, and I'm going
to our phone lines.

Speaker 2 (45:35):
Thank you for waiting. Hi, Caller.

Speaker 15 (45:38):
Pil Johnson and doctor Jeffries.

Speaker 2 (45:42):
We're doing fabulous, Carl, how are you?

Speaker 7 (45:46):
I am?

Speaker 15 (45:46):
Okay? And ladies, I want y'all to enjoy y'all weekend
because june's coming up, yes it is, and you know,
and you know what happened in June. A lot of
people like to go on vacations off. Sorry, Bill, you
just can't for one. Lot of people like your on
vacation and ensure this weather or enough about the weather
right now, you know me. And sometimes they just don't

(46:09):
understand who they are dating on what the relationship they
are they are in. For example, I have some friends,
female friends who like to do certain things and relationships.
Some are just friendly, some are you know, some futures.

Speaker 7 (46:26):
Some do not.

Speaker 15 (46:27):
One of my friends every now and then will say, hey,
let's get together for a drink. Well, I know who
she is.

Speaker 7 (46:33):
I know what she'd like to do.

Speaker 15 (46:35):
She'd like to go to a place, sit down for
mail a hour or so and enjoy drink.

Speaker 13 (46:41):
And go home.

Speaker 15 (46:42):
And she expects me to pay for it. And guess what,
I went to pay for it because I know who
she is. That type of relationship works for us because
sometime we get together to have a drink and move on.
Then there are some women want you to everything for them.

Speaker 9 (47:02):
I ain't know that.

Speaker 15 (47:03):
I'm sorry, I ain't got time to be used like that.
So I'm trying to say, in a relationship, you have
to know who you're dealing with it all time, and
you got to be willing. Are you willing to fall
into that situation or not? And men have a bad
habit of jumping the gun without realizing who they are dating.
So I like to know, doctor Jeffries, how can men

(47:26):
make sure they understand what they are doing before they
make that fail mistake and get mad and all of
a sudden want to cost a fighting place saying well,
I did this for you, you didn't do this for me.
All right, I'll hang up and listen. Thank you, ladies, Thank.

Speaker 17 (47:40):
You, Carl.

Speaker 2 (47:41):
I like that question, Doctor Jeffries. From Carl, I agree.

Speaker 3 (47:46):
I think that what men do is sometimes use their
resources to first try to impress the woman, then try
to engage a woman where she likes receiving the gifts
of the trips, so all of those things. But my
suggestion is to do the very same thing that I'm suggesting.

(48:08):
I'm talking to men and women. You have a right
to ask questions, just like the woman has the right
to ask questions. Are you seeing anybody else?

Speaker 16 (48:17):
You know?

Speaker 3 (48:19):
Your exits, any recent exits that you still seeing on
a regular basis? What about children, their fathers? What kind
of relationship do you have with them? Does any of
it volatile? Lord, you know antigonistics, So are they upset
about you days? You want to know that, not only
for your personal safety, but to know if they have

(48:42):
unfinished business with exes. Then it's messy. It's going to
get even messier if the exes don't know about you
until they get a surprise. So you don't want to
engaged in stuff like that. And I would also suggest
it to monitor what it is that you do for
a woman or give to a woman before you know

(49:06):
if that's your woman, if that's your friend, if that's
someone you're just dating, or if that's someone you're working
on a relationship with. To give a super expensive gift
to somebody that you just started dating raises all kinds
of expectations on maybe her part, and also conflicualle expectations

(49:32):
on your part. And I never never encourage people to
go on these super expensive trips as a means of
impression pressing anybody. First of all, if you don't know
each other, there's too much time to spend together without
something becoming a prop Number two, you don't know how
people behave in all kinds of situations. You know what

(49:55):
kind of problems they have.

Speaker 13 (49:57):
You know, are they saying, are they stayed, are they mature?

Speaker 3 (50:01):
You know? And so you want to know, as Carl
was saying, who.

Speaker 8 (50:06):
It is your will?

Speaker 3 (50:11):
A gift like going on a trip together and extended
romantic trip together should come after the second or third
phase of your dating, where you've gone through some early things,
You've had many, many deep conversations, you know about their
immediate and current situations, and you still feel good about it.

(50:34):
The person appears to be available, she says, or he
says that they're available, their behavior is consistent with them,
then that would be a natural trend to say. I
wouldn't even do that until after you have a conversation.
Where do you see us going from here?

Speaker 4 (50:50):
You know, yeah, I'm still interested.

Speaker 3 (50:53):
I'd like to take it to the next level where
we're more serious, we're more involved with each other, and
I will not to see anybody else as long as
we have that agreement.

Speaker 5 (51:04):
So, doctor Jeffers, again, you're saying that you should ask
those questions.

Speaker 3 (51:10):
You have to ask the questions. Anybody who gets upset
because you're asking the questions do not want to be open. Okay,
because if you're gonna be with them. It's better for
you to ask the questions and for that person to
give their response and hopefully tell the truth, because if
it's a lie, it's gonna come back as a lot

(51:32):
and that's gonna destroy things if some part is left out.
Like I said, nowadays there's just too much writing on
the truth. Not your failure to tell somebody about the
whole gambit of your relationships or your situations or what
you do or have done, and all of that could

(51:55):
seriously impact on their livelihood, their well being and sometimes
there So it's best to just be honest. If you've
done it, you're doing it, you used to do it,
whatever it is, and tell them and that gives them
informed ability to say, Okay, I hear that. You know

(52:16):
that's in the past. Right, We're not gonna, you know,
do that anymore and what have you? And I might
as well share this about myself with you and blah
blah blah. So this is not something that we have
to address again, because this is going to be wonder
I bind them.

Speaker 5 (52:32):
Agreement, Okay, doctor Jeffries, I'm going back to our phone
lines and talk to you.

Speaker 2 (52:40):
W D I a high caller.

Speaker 13 (52:44):
Oh, why you do it?

Speaker 2 (52:45):
Hey, father?

Speaker 7 (52:46):
What do you say?

Speaker 10 (52:48):
I say, I'm glad for doctor Jeffers because she gave
me some information a long time ago. I apology. She
told me about wild time I found a girl and
she was told me around take your pick, boy.

Speaker 13 (53:02):
Show was a long search.

Speaker 2 (53:06):
Why I'm sure. I'm sure it was a long search.
You still searching at your brother?

Speaker 7 (53:14):
Check it out.

Speaker 13 (53:15):
The reason that search was so long, it's a whole women.

Speaker 10 (53:20):
You're just that need to be developed.

Speaker 16 (53:21):
Man.

Speaker 10 (53:21):
I'm serious far as how to.

Speaker 13 (53:24):
You know, get along with a man.

Speaker 10 (53:25):
Because I'm the kind of person I believe in. This
ain't no such thing as argument around me. That's for ignorant,
stupid people letting neoletic, synthetic savage.

Speaker 15 (53:33):
This little.

Speaker 13 (53:36):
A lot of people that.

Speaker 10 (53:37):
That's the whole life.

Speaker 13 (53:37):
And ooh them kund of people. Ain't you ain't good
enough for me?

Speaker 10 (53:39):
I'm gonna tell your prom So I think I got
a girl right now named Pearl, doctor Jeffers, and.

Speaker 7 (53:46):
I've been knowing about thirty two.

Speaker 10 (53:47):
Years, So I'm hoping everything I work out pretty good.

Speaker 2 (53:50):
Well, I hope it will work out for you, father, I.

Speaker 13 (53:53):
Hope it will you know dead wall, that dead wall
will be. Oh we could just be friend.

Speaker 2 (54:00):
That Hey sometimes that's best. Father, just to be friends.

Speaker 10 (54:05):
I want to be give me the all right, father,
thank your father.

Speaker 2 (54:13):
Father, say he doesn't he will be, he will other
than the fact, to be friends.

Speaker 3 (54:17):
W D I A.

Speaker 7 (54:19):
I call her.

Speaker 15 (54:21):
Bill Jones.

Speaker 2 (54:22):
Oh, Clyde, how you doing Clyde?

Speaker 9 (54:25):
All right?

Speaker 11 (54:25):
What my big sister?

Speaker 2 (54:26):
Then she she's doing well, she's listening to.

Speaker 11 (54:31):
Bill Johns. You know, I don't want to give me.
I just don't believe people know how to date anymore.

Speaker 18 (54:39):
Okay, people don't take time to uh get to notice
a person. If that's about of interest, then I wanna
sit back and check out for a while. I'm not
gonna dive in there and try to try to holler.
I'm gonna check out before I said so, so.

Speaker 2 (54:57):
When you say, when you say Clyde, I want to
check her out? Okay, So, so what what are you
talking about? You're gonna check her out?

Speaker 15 (55:08):
Okay?

Speaker 11 (55:11):
When I saw the woman when I wanted and she
worked at my night job.

Speaker 2 (55:17):
Okay, so I I used to.

Speaker 11 (55:19):
I used to make sure I speak to her every day,
you know, And but I liked I like it how
she dressed.

Speaker 13 (55:26):
I like to how she loved to last.

Speaker 18 (55:28):
But I always made small conversations with her, you know,
you know, and I saw her the car she drive,
you know, and it was just the little things I
saw about her. I liked it, okay, So you know,
it took me up and it took me a minute
to get out on the date. It took me a

(55:50):
minute because see, she raised by her grandmother and her mom,
so I know she was an old fashioned girl.

Speaker 11 (55:55):
So I couldn't be go wheeler home, okay. But but
they worked out fine. We was like night and day.

Speaker 18 (56:02):
Because everybody, all the friends that she won't my type, see,
but we were like you know how that people said
equally yoke.

Speaker 11 (56:12):
I don't believe in that. No, I don't believe that
Bell John because.

Speaker 5 (56:16):
I know.

Speaker 18 (56:18):
Me and the other wasn't equally yoke okay, because she
was on a whole different levels than I would.

Speaker 11 (56:24):
But I like them kind of girls. I got you
so and it worked out for the best.

Speaker 18 (56:29):
But I just feel like you got to set back
and check a person out first and pay attention to
what they say, because they ain't talking about what.

Speaker 15 (56:37):
You what you want to hear.

Speaker 11 (56:38):
Why you're gonna hang around.

Speaker 3 (56:41):
One thing.

Speaker 11 (56:42):
I want to say, Bell Jones.

Speaker 18 (56:44):
When I was out there in the streets, out there,
I used to love for a woman to ask me,
you're gonna buy this for me?

Speaker 11 (56:50):
You're gonna buy it?

Speaker 9 (56:51):
Now?

Speaker 15 (56:51):
Do you know what to do to get this?

Speaker 11 (56:54):
Because I ain't won't be one thing from you anyway.
So you know how read it? That was a quack
it full of money.

Speaker 1 (56:59):
I ain't.

Speaker 11 (57:02):
That's that's some behind it.

Speaker 5 (57:06):
I got your client. You take care of this, you two, Clyde,
doctor Jeffery. I don't know what what what what we're
gonna do with your your your little brother. But he
said what he said. He said, Clyde said, people don't
know how to date.

Speaker 15 (57:25):
You know how to date.

Speaker 5 (57:27):
But but you know what, Kien mentioned something, and I'm
gonna ask you, is it okay not to be equally yoke?

Speaker 3 (57:35):
See? See, this is what I think about crime. The
reason he finds the one, the woman who carries yourself
like that, by the old fashioned stuff. That's what he
is attracted to. Right the other women he is just
dating them. You don't get equally yoked to date. You

(57:57):
get equally yoke when you're ready to make a commit
that's where that covenant comes in. So he don't know
what he's talking about.

Speaker 2 (58:07):
He's just talking.

Speaker 3 (58:08):
Hold on, talking, just talking, all right?

Speaker 5 (58:11):
Hold on, doctor Jeffers. I'm going back to her phone lines.
W D I a HI caller. What's up, Pauline?

Speaker 14 (58:22):
Not a thing? Has everything going with?

Speaker 2 (58:24):
Everything's going well, Pauline. What do you say?

Speaker 7 (58:30):
I want to talk on the subject of the dating?

Speaker 2 (58:32):
Okay, go on, Pauline.

Speaker 3 (58:38):
I'm listening, okay, uh bil I believe today that people
don't know how today because.

Speaker 14 (58:46):
If I meet you and and we are dating, that's
what we are doing dating. Okay. Just saying I sleep
with you, that doesn't make you my boyfriend, that doesn't
make you my committee lover. See, I dated my husband
for sixteen years before I married it. What sixteen and

(59:11):
a half years?

Speaker 11 (59:12):
What so long?

Speaker 2 (59:13):
Paulin?

Speaker 14 (59:14):
Well, I was really he wasn't my type, but I
enjoyed the dates he took me on, the trips he
took me on. But now I wasn't just crazy about
him because he wasn't my type. As far as appearance, wife,
he's very well grown, but he just wasn't what I
was particularly looking for. And to tell you the truth,

(59:38):
my preference is white men. So I had to kind
of organize myself with death. But people today, if they
go out with you or they talk to you on
the phone, this is why we got so much the
mixed the violence because they don't know how today, I'm

(59:58):
not committed to you. If I sleep with you, if
I can go out with you, that means I just
showed you a good time.

Speaker 9 (01:00:07):
You don't.

Speaker 14 (01:00:09):
Claim a person. And this is what I seek today.
And why would you just meet a woman and sleep
with her tomorrow and all of a sudden it's your
woman or your man. So it's a spirit of situation
out there dating today, because that's what it's called.

Speaker 9 (01:00:30):
It's called go really people, it's called what go really?

Speaker 7 (01:00:36):
You know you could go real a person?

Speaker 4 (01:00:38):
You can just.

Speaker 7 (01:00:40):
Just keep you know, just keep being a pest.

Speaker 2 (01:00:43):
That's new to me.

Speaker 5 (01:00:45):
But Pauline, I have to asked you this question. You
say you dated your husband for sixteen years? How sixteen
and a half, So what made you decide to finally
marry him.

Speaker 7 (01:00:55):
I didn't decide to marry him.

Speaker 14 (01:00:57):
He showed up one night and asked me to marry him,
and I knew he was financial stay, but he had
a great credit score.

Speaker 2 (01:01:04):
Okay, so how long did you all stay married?

Speaker 14 (01:01:08):
Fourteen years?

Speaker 3 (01:01:09):
Wow?

Speaker 14 (01:01:10):
So there's a total of thirty seven years and a
half with him. And I will remarry now because he
was so loose when I was married to him. But
now that I'm sixty seven years old and I'm my
sexual actor, he would be the idea of her husband again.

Speaker 7 (01:01:28):
All right, Okay, I'm Johnson. You all have a great
weekend and stay processed.

Speaker 2 (01:01:35):
And you too, Paula.

Speaker 5 (01:01:36):
And wow, doctor Jefferson, you heard Paula and goodness grow go.

Speaker 2 (01:01:41):
Really that's her truth, that's speaking her truth. That's and
that's that's a.

Speaker 3 (01:01:45):
New term for me career. I had not hurt that
would either bed.

Speaker 5 (01:01:49):
Okay, but but but but but Paula, you know, dated
her husband sixteen years, married forty to sixteen and a
half married fourteen Wow.

Speaker 2 (01:01:58):
She said she she really was interest but he was stable.
And you talked about.

Speaker 3 (01:02:02):
Stability people, you know what, the things that we talk about,
we marry, and usually we tend to mimic the relationships
that we've been exposed to, or that's what we try
to do. And so sometimes people grow up in painful

(01:02:22):
situations with very traumatic relationships happening around them, and so
they are most comfortable with the trauma, you know that
they've learned how to nontors it. They are not really
afraid of it. They expect what it's going to be,
and they assume that's the way most relationships are. And

(01:02:45):
then not until they know better or until they figure
out there is another possibility out there, they get some
help and work through it, and then they can experience
different kinds. So it's not surprising that a lot of
the relationships are like that. And then there are people who.

Speaker 9 (01:03:04):
Are just absolutely lazy.

Speaker 3 (01:03:06):
They meet somebody lazily, you know, meet them, you know,
while they're hanging out and what have you, and they
may go home with them after that. And there are
people who are lazy and crazy where they decide, Okay,
I went home with you, can no other woman or
can no other man come over here? Now, I'm gonna
stop you, I'm gonna monitor you, and I'm gonna do
all of that, and nobody has had a conversation about anything.

(01:03:30):
So that's why I tell people and best the time,
not just for the relationship, but for your own peace
of mind and security. Invest the time so that you
feel okay about who it is you're scene talking to
spending time with. Eventually people will show you who they are.

(01:03:53):
And so if they're inconsistencies or those niggling little thoughts
that come up about the person that you still don't
feel quite sure about or comfortable about, just continue to
be at this pace and see. You will see because
they can't stand still, they'll do something to accelerate it.
Then you can see who it is that's there, and

(01:04:16):
then you decide if you want to invest any more time.
I tell you, after a certain age, we realize time
is one of the most precious possessions that you own,
and you only own it a minute or a second
at a time. So if you don't do something with
that time that pleases you, that's good for you, that's

(01:04:38):
beneficial to you, that's rewarding to you, it's wasted, you know.
And if you're trying to love somebody who is incapable
of receiving and returning your love, you're trying to love
somebody who don't want to love anybody. You trying to
love a madman or a mad woman. You're trying to
love somebody who is evil and hard, cold, withholding judgment

(01:05:02):
all those things. Why subject yourself to that.

Speaker 4 (01:05:06):
You deserve better than that.

Speaker 3 (01:05:08):
And what I'm telling you is that if you apply
the time and the discipline to even consider some of
these principles, I'm telling you you can be in charge
of who's in your life. You're already in charge, but
now you just left the door open, you know.

Speaker 2 (01:05:23):
Yeah, So what I'm.

Speaker 3 (01:05:24):
Saying to you lock the door and go ahead and
do your homework, kind of put your plan together, and
then go out and see who you want to take
a chance on, who you would enjoy spending some time
with them. And if that's the time with having a
good time to see if they are who they are,
it can't hurt, but it damn sure.

Speaker 17 (01:05:43):
Can help you.

Speaker 5 (01:05:45):
All right, Doctor Jeffries, hold on, I'll tell our callers
to hold on. We are going to take a break
as we are talking this day. In relationships, there are
four things that you need to have in a stable relationship.
We've mentioned stability and stainability. We're going to talk about
sobriety and sanity. Wow, and we're going to get to

(01:06:07):
you next. Yeah, we are right here on.

Speaker 2 (01:06:11):
W d I a JO show.

Speaker 1 (01:06:35):
You're listening to the BEB Johnson Show.

Speaker 15 (01:06:37):
That's you Bev on w d i A.

Speaker 1 (01:07:20):
You're listening to the Bev Johnson Show. Here's Bev Johnson and.

Speaker 2 (01:07:24):
We're going to our phone lines. Doctor Jeffries, Hi William, Hey.

Speaker 13 (01:07:29):
The beautiful bell, Doctor Jeffries. Try to make it quickly.
When I was growing up, you know, I guess things
have totally changed one hundred and eight degrees because when
I was growing up, you know, especially grade school, you
holding hands.

Speaker 15 (01:07:46):
You were dating.

Speaker 13 (01:07:47):
Even when we got into our high school years. And
you know, you're sitting on the porch with the girl,
but if you kiss her before she goes in, you're dating.
And so for them to say, you know, I'm just
gonna like like Clyde, you know his what kind of
lifestyle and like the young lady with the sixteen years,
and I'm gonna say something about that, you know, to

(01:08:09):
you know, play with somebody for that long and say
we're not dating. You know, yeah, we're kids, Yeah we
have sex. Yeah, Well but no, I'm not dating you.
I can go and date anybody I want to, and
I can marry somebody else if I want to. That's
not what the way I grew up, so it's hard
for me to understand how to give advice to this
kind of generation. Now very quickly, here it is Clyde Wood,

(01:08:34):
that girl. He wouled her like you know, she's like
keeping herself, she's old fashioned, keeping herself so that she
can meet the right man and not waste time.

Speaker 15 (01:08:44):
To get married.

Speaker 13 (01:08:45):
And here he is wouled her for all that time
only to play with her everything she was trying to avoid.
And here's a young lady. And I wouldn't recommend this
to a man or woman to date someone for sixteen years,
not knowing where this is going, whether we're gonna get
married or not. We just playing around. We just you know,
go some places and then you know, but at any

(01:09:06):
time I can go with somebody else, and I can
marry somebody else. I wouldn't recommend that to anyone. So
the question I have for for doctor Jefferies is we know,
you know, and once you see the girl like Clyde,
you know, you seeing how she act this and that
you give that so much time you go out on
a day with her, then you know, once you see that, hey,

(01:09:28):
we really work well together. You know, our chemistry is
great Okay, so we're gonna make this exclusive. You know,
we're gonna we're gonna be called what we call dating.
But the dating is for can we you know, love
each other for you know, while dating, next step is marriage.
What is this that they're saying, where we're gonna do this,

(01:09:50):
have sex, this that for this time, but we we're
not gonna get married. I'm not even dating you. How
much time do we give and from the where we
are exclusively dating to the point where we say, hey,
we're either gonna get married or we're gonna let this go.
How much time did that? Thank you?

Speaker 9 (01:10:09):
I love it, thank you?

Speaker 2 (01:10:11):
Will you we'll get that answered. And as I go
to our phone line, King Harry, oh.

Speaker 7 (01:10:17):
Hello, Queen Coogler. Had Queen Jeffreys, we would have lived
with he what Williams said?

Speaker 13 (01:10:22):
A little bit, not a lot.

Speaker 7 (01:10:24):
But you know nowaday, uh, they don't date no more.
Back in the days, you know, when I was young,
you know, you go up to the house and just
sit on the couch and stuff with the parents. But
these people now, they don't date. They just get together
and and and they have sex and and and and
a lot of women they think that, uh, you're supposed

(01:10:45):
spend money on them all the time. That's all you're
supposed to do. That's a man's job to spend money
on them. And uh, that turns a lot, makes a
bad name for other women. And then I was looking
at the situation where doctor Jeffery was saying about uh,
women that got one or ko babe, but one of
two different men. And say the man she's dating, they've
been dating for a while, like a year or two,

(01:11:05):
and he's staying with her whatever and paying bills, and
and then she's telling him, you can't tell my child
what to do. He can pay your bills, but he
can't tell your kids what they do. And they're doing
wrong and that's the problem. And and uh, what's her name, Pauline?
I don't know what she talked. I thought I thought.

Speaker 13 (01:11:22):
Gorillas with some of the thank you.

Speaker 2 (01:11:25):
Crazy.

Speaker 13 (01:11:31):
She knocked me out there without.

Speaker 7 (01:11:35):
Without me for five five you're making up stories, that's
all he do. He'd be making up stories, and you
were making them one day.

Speaker 9 (01:11:41):
So I ain't gonna hold you.

Speaker 5 (01:11:42):
Let somebody get in, all right, Thank you, Harry O,
Brother Bernard. You're doing miss Johnson, I'm doing fabulous, Brother
how are you.

Speaker 16 (01:11:52):
I'm well, I'm well, miss Johnson. Doctor Jeffrey's you know what,
uh as bad as the topic of complex trauma is
real because when I heard earlier that story you were
sharing about the the lady in the grocery store, you know,
one point of view might be that she has had
a brother come to her as a gentleman before in

(01:12:14):
the past, and whatever transpired in that, you know, she
might be traumatized by that. So she simply goes straight
to the point of providing and skipping past that step
of charm or being respectful and so on. And then
on the flip side, a brother that came that comes

(01:12:37):
as a gentleman to that type of person that's been hurt,
then that traumatizes that that person, that man's coming.

Speaker 15 (01:12:45):
As a gentleman.

Speaker 16 (01:12:46):
So when you have these brothers that are coming so
to the left or from a derogatory sense, a couple
of couple of possibilities. Either they have not been educated
or they have been educated, and they've had a different
response from when they come the right way. And so
it's almost as though one hert person is hurting another.

(01:13:08):
And then now that person has has become hurt and
then it becomes a cycle. But on the other end,
for instance, the lady that said that the man had
great credit and and this, and that those were her
elements to to get with the man eventually, but that
that that would traumatize a brother who means genuinely well

(01:13:29):
by her or by a woman, because when you hear
those types of stories, you know that's almost embarrassing in
in a sense. But you know, she's what did she say,
sixty seven now something to that effect. But yeah, now,
but now that she's not as as able to be
physically uh performing into a certain degree, now she's ready

(01:13:53):
for the good brother that has their good credit. So
I was just coming in to miss Dunson, but thank
you for taking you.

Speaker 5 (01:14:00):
Welcome, brother Bernard. Before we get our other callers, let
me go to doctor Jeffries. And as we heard doctor
Jeffries William, his question to you is how much time
if you're dating somebody exclusively.

Speaker 3 (01:14:13):
I think that it depends on the signs that you're
receiving that we're both committed to this relationship. Sixteen years
is a bit long, and I don't think either one
of them considered themselves exclusively dating at that time. She
said that he was a womanizer, and I'm assuming that's

(01:14:37):
why she divorced him or you know even no, yeah, yeah,
he was one and then married to him for fourteen years,
but she married him. I guess he stopped womanizing and
then when they got married. I don't know what happened
with it, but I agree he's probably not going to

(01:15:00):
come back at this point, especially since they know each
other now and so with the truth being known about
each one of them, they hopefully will just stay and
just stay on their paths, because that is too many
years to have invested in that. But in my opinion,
the time that it takes for both of you to

(01:15:20):
be willing and ready and open to making an honest commitment,
and that means you're emotionally making the commitment, you behaviorally
making the commitment, you're financially making the commitment, And there's
ongoing conversation about how do we refine this, how do
we It's a give and take on that because these

(01:15:42):
are two adults that's trying to make this merger happen
so that they both are better off as opposed to
taking advantage or misusing either one. But they're individual timeline.
I think that if you've been together over five years
and there's still some hesitancy or unwillingness to legitimated, legalize it,

(01:16:08):
get married, jump to broom, or whatever it is that
you want to call it, then maybe it's just never
gonna pay and you should really consider do you want
to invest anymore time? You know. But some people may
never get married and live their whole life just together.
But if they're both happy, they're both satisfied, neither one

(01:16:28):
of them feel dumped on or resentful, it's none our business.
They may live like that until the day they leave
this uth, and that's okay. They may have one of
the best partnerships. So it's individually, you know, what makes
you feel served and appreciated and validated.

Speaker 5 (01:16:48):
One of the things that Brother Bernard talked about doctor
Jeffries is people being traumatized.

Speaker 2 (01:16:56):
And referring to that.

Speaker 5 (01:16:58):
I was saying about the lady and the grocery store,
the brother that maybe she had had a good brother
in need, traumatizing the brother who was trying to be
good to her or talk so traumatized.

Speaker 2 (01:17:09):
So do people get traumatized?

Speaker 3 (01:17:12):
I you know, it's kind of hard to say.

Speaker 4 (01:17:15):
With the young population.

Speaker 3 (01:17:16):
I have worked with a lot of young girls, especially
who have been traumatized not by a brother complementing her,
but being victimized at a young enough age where using
her sexuality and her body is how she has afforded
the privilege of surviving sometimes in her home environment, and

(01:17:41):
so that becomes that she ages her default response to
any man you know, you find like particularly like in
foster care settings where a lot of families will only
take very young girls because teenage girls may have become
so familiar with being seductive in terms of discipline and

(01:18:06):
all of that that it creates a discomfort or conflictual
attitude in the family, particularly if there's a couple and
the focus is on being seductive with the male and
ignoring the woman. So I think a lot of it
is trauma, but it's learned behavior, and the trauma comes

(01:18:27):
from I think the fact that this is how you
have to manipulate your environment in order to be safe,
into order to get things that you need to survive.
And there's probably more mass depression behind all of that,
and definitely some deep seated trauma I would expect.

Speaker 5 (01:18:50):
Okay, doctor Jeffries, I am going back to our phone
line to get these last two calls.

Speaker 2 (01:18:56):
Wdia, Hi, Frank, thank you for waiting.

Speaker 15 (01:19:00):
Thank you.

Speaker 9 (01:19:02):
That woman said, that woman would have set me free.
That that said what she said, she said she didn't
like him. Then she says, you're in the white man.
Then she says, I don't have no more sex.

Speaker 8 (01:19:16):
I'll take him back sea. That set me free right there.
S Yeah, I might have went back if you had
to kept a mouth flow. But behind all that, she
set me free. I mean, sometimes the truth, the truth
don't hurt. Sometimes it'll set you free if you listen.
And if then, if you got educated with the Lord,

(01:19:36):
then all truth will set you free.

Speaker 9 (01:19:39):
But you know I'll tell you. But anyway, let me
say this. Your equally YO is your best friend, and
you all truly are one.

Speaker 15 (01:19:50):
And what me and my equal to YO do.

Speaker 9 (01:19:53):
We sit back and observe and we have conversation, communicate
with what's going on with the world. If you don't
know what's going on in the world, you're gonna step
yourself in it.

Speaker 15 (01:20:05):
I promise you you need.

Speaker 9 (01:20:07):
But if you know what's going on with the world,
you're gonna stay out of it. Now, what were going
what we have in a relationship in this relationship. First
of all, we didn't get taught about no kind of
relationship in school that was stacked once. See we got
books and signs and this and that, but we didn't
get you know. So the first thing you need in

(01:20:28):
your life is God, and that's in everything then. But
to have that relationship of a decent, clean, healthy, joyful, beautiful, loving,
caring relationship, you put God through. You put God first
and everything you do. Everything. But what they got going

(01:20:50):
on right now, they got millions of people with that package.

Speaker 8 (01:20:57):
And you think you've been to play a game on somebody,
you really get played cause they got the same thing
you got and.

Speaker 9 (01:21:03):
They just out here just doing it.

Speaker 15 (01:21:06):
And see that's what.

Speaker 9 (01:21:07):
We're working with right now.

Speaker 15 (01:21:08):
In this new generation.

Speaker 9 (01:21:11):
They done messed up so bad, I mean real bad
with this sex things, from jumping from bed to bed
and the hoods was me and my wife. We don't
do nothing but pray and we have fun amongst each other.
Tell any man all right.

Speaker 5 (01:21:31):
Frank, thank you, Frank, and unforgetful, thank you.

Speaker 11 (01:21:37):
Miss Johnson.

Speaker 9 (01:21:38):
You got a great show today, Doctor Jeffers.

Speaker 13 (01:21:42):
The biggest problem that I.

Speaker 17 (01:21:44):
See says I'm warning in its seventy deck.

Speaker 12 (01:21:47):
I mean, in this seven decade whatever happened to romance?
It seems like when we throw it out there, women
think you playing a game with it. You know, you know,
the son Casanova Romeo is dead.

Speaker 11 (01:22:04):
Romances dead.

Speaker 15 (01:22:06):
That's one of the biggest problems.

Speaker 12 (01:22:08):
I mean, I have never in my.

Speaker 17 (01:22:11):
Life till now, I'm talking right now, doctor del seven
decades half text with a woman on the first day
I met. Never even back in the day I could
go over there on Seventh Street and Darn Thomas and
pick up a woman.

Speaker 9 (01:22:29):
I never did that.

Speaker 12 (01:22:31):
I didn't have that kind of uh what you call
mindset now Man's man said they are is more like,
you know, how can you and bring something that you
don't know and have any feelings for?

Speaker 11 (01:22:48):
You know, I'm just not that type of person.

Speaker 2 (01:22:50):
Okay, So the question is what romance?

Speaker 12 (01:22:55):
Yes, what happened to Roman said? Like taking the woman
to meet the family and showing up a good time
to get to know each other.

Speaker 3 (01:23:03):
And all that.

Speaker 9 (01:23:04):
That's the biggest problem.

Speaker 12 (01:23:06):
I'm not hearing.

Speaker 5 (01:23:07):
Just thank you, unforgetful, doctor Jeffery, unforgetful that what happened
to the romance?

Speaker 3 (01:23:14):
I forget just still being himself and we're gonna let
him be himself.

Speaker 13 (01:23:18):
That's right, baby girl.

Speaker 2 (01:23:22):
I know, doctor Jefferies.

Speaker 5 (01:23:26):
We have two and I was thinking, because I want
to get those two, can we finish?

Speaker 2 (01:23:30):
Can we get to sobriety and sanity? That's who I
want to talk about that next week.

Speaker 3 (01:23:37):
We can definitely do that.

Speaker 5 (01:23:38):
We can definitely, yeah, because I think people need to
hear about the sobriety and the sanity, right.

Speaker 3 (01:23:44):
And we're not just talking about what you drink, snort,
shoot or whatever for sobriety. We are not sober in
so many ways, right.

Speaker 2 (01:23:53):
And I'm so glad.

Speaker 5 (01:23:54):
I think the callers when we talked about so I
hope you all got stability and stainability in relationships.

Speaker 2 (01:24:01):
Doctor Jeffery says that is important.

Speaker 3 (01:24:03):
Correct, Absolutely, we're putting down a four point anchor so
that you can become healthy, happy, and wholesome in your
new relationship.

Speaker 2 (01:24:13):
That's right. That's right.

Speaker 5 (01:24:15):
So next week y'all tune in, we are gonna talk
about sobriety and sanity. Lord sister, Amen, Amen, doctor Jeffries,
I thank you as always.

Speaker 2 (01:24:30):
I hope you have a fabulous weekend. Sister.

Speaker 3 (01:24:33):
All right, you do the same and I'm gonna go
out here and try to kill some more flowers.

Speaker 2 (01:24:38):
Okay, go on, kiss you and your sister.

Speaker 3 (01:24:42):
Okay, take care of you too.

Speaker 2 (01:24:44):
Thank you, Dr Jeffries, Bye bye bye.

Speaker 7 (01:24:48):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:24:48):
Next week, y'all, we will get our part two.

Speaker 5 (01:24:51):
Sobriety, insanity in relationships. We'll talk about that. I want
to get you already. Monday, he will be back in
the saddle Dot. Jan Harper will be in our behavior
and political health consultant will be back on Monday. Yes

(01:25:15):
it's a different day, but he'll be here Monday. So y'all,
y'all stick and stay for that. Come on back on
Monday when doctor Warren Harper will be in the house.
I want to say thank you callers, thank you listeners
for joining us this day on the BEV Johnson Show.

Speaker 2 (01:25:31):
We do, we really do appreciate you. So until tomorrow,
please be saved.

Speaker 5 (01:25:42):
Keep a cool head, y'all, don't let anyone steal your
joy until tomorrow. I'm Bev Johnson, and y'all keep the faith.
Mark Baker, take me home, boyfriend.

Speaker 4 (01:26:00):
The views and opinions discussed on The BEV Johnson Show
are that of the hosts and callers and not those
of the staff and sponsors of w d i A