Thursday Coaching: Healing Workshop

In this episode we give you a peek into our Thursday Healing Workshops. This is the audio from our members only group where we give advice based on our decades of producing Intelligence For Your Life.

In this call we covered everything from guarding your heart from difficult people to stress and inflammation.

If you would like to join, check out tesh.com.

For more information, and to sign up for our private coaching, visit tesh.com

Our Hosts:
John Tesh: Instagram: @johntesh_ifyl facebook.com/JohnTesh
Gib Gerard: Instagram: @GibGerard facebook.com/GibGerard X: @GibGerard

Episode Transcript

Unknown (00:00):
Gib, hello and welcome to another episode

(00:07):
of the podcast. I'm Gib Gerard.
Our episode today is actuallythe audio from one of our
coaching calls that we do everysingle Thursday. So it'll
feature both myself and John,and we will go through all kinds
of things that help you, get youfrom the place you are to the
place you want to be. This is ait's a group, but we also give

(00:29):
one on one advice from decadesof research and writing of
intelligence for your life. Soif you want more information on
that, you want to join us. Youwant to see what it's like, keep
listening. But you can go totesh.com and get more
information about how to joinus. So here, without further
ado, here is our healingworkshop Thursday coaching call

(00:49):
sofor the welcome to everybody we
this is the the healingworkshop, April 24 and we are,
we are here to talk about divinehealing, spiritual healing,
physical healing. Matters of theheart, especially especially
today, we want to talk aboutabout guarding your heart, and

(01:10):
we want to talk about whatexperts say is the value of
things, like tough experiences,how to protect yourself from
people that maybe you don't wantto around you. What are those
techniques? So Gib, let's, let'sstart with with Arthur Brooks,
who is a Harvard psychologistwho talks about how to Never

(01:34):
waste your suffering.
Never waste your suffering. Iasked my students in my
happiness class to keep afailure and disappointment list.
Man, each time something badhappens that feels like a loss
or it feels like adisappointment or feels like a
failure, you write it down andleave two lines blank. And on

(01:55):
the first line you write down,it's like that thing really
bothered me, and then a monthlater, you come back to the
first line that you left blankunder it and write down, what
did you learn? And then threemonths later, you come back to
the second line and write down agood thing that happened because
of that loss, and you're fillingin the notebook. And by the time
you're going to a new thingthat's really bugging you,

(02:15):
really bothering you, you startto look forward to it, because
you're going to be looking backat the knowledge and growth from
past negative experiences andthe and the benefit that
actually has come from thosenegative experiences. Well,
never, never, never wastesacrifice. Never waste your
suffering.
Boy, I really love this, and italso reminds me of what I talk

(02:38):
about all the time, is the powerof remembrance. And you look at
the at David in the Bible, when,when they, when they were just
making fun of him because he wasup against Goliath the giant,
and he just said, you know, God,you were with me when I slayed
the bear. You with me when Islayed the lion. I know you'll
be with me, with with, with thisgiant. So it's, it's, yeah, but

(02:58):
then, but now, writing it downis the next
step. This is why I talk abouthow important what we've talked
about so many times howimportant journaling is, right?
Journaling gives you thebackground, the context, and a
physical journal is great. Youcan use, like I've said before,
I use day one, which is anonline journal, so I can do on
my phone, my computer, my iPad,wherever I am, I have access to
it. I also write in a physicaljournal. So that's this is just

(03:22):
a journaling technique, of youwrite down those losses, and
then you come back to them inthe subsequent weeks, and you
talk about the lessons youlearned. And this goes back to
an adage that we've mentionedbefore, that change happens when
the pain of of staying the sameis greater than the pain of
change. And so when you canabsorb and and be honest about

(03:45):
the suffering and the downsideof something and use it to
create a growth mindset and useit as a as a mechanism for your
own growth, then you are reallybecoming you're moving towards
healing to the person that youreally want to be because they
make fun of him on on Saturdaynight. Live the the ball, the

(04:06):
dad of the three ball players,LeVar ball, I think you know all
the they're basketball players,and he, Keenan, comes out and
plays and goes, never lost, buthe actually has a line that is
important, and, and, and goeswith this. And that is, I never
lose. I either win or I learn.
And that's, that's his, that'shis mentality, crazy. I mean,

(04:30):
insane person, but, but, but,you know, brought three kids
into elite athleticism, whichtakes a lot of effort, and that
idea of you don't lose youeither you either win, you
either succeed in what you'retrying to do, or you learn and
that, or you learn a way thatyou to not do it again, right?

(04:51):
That's Edison's whole thing was,I didn't I didn't fail at my
inventions. I just learned waysthat it wouldn't work. I. And
that is a growth mindset, andthis is a great way to cultivate
that growth mindset, so that youdon't take your losses as
personal affronts, as a part ofyour identity. You take your
losses as learningopportunities. I
think it was Wayne Gretzky.
Gretzky, the great hockeyplayer, who said, I miss 100% of

(05:12):
a shots that I don't take. WayneGretzky, Michael Scott, yeah,
yeah. Amazing. You know, I wantto, I want to play it again,
because I think if you want totake notes, and of course, you
can watch the replay, but here'sArthur Brooks again, let's just
do this again, and then we'llmove on. Never waste your
suffering. I ask my students andmy happiness class to to keep a
failure and disappointment list.

(05:36):
Man, each time something badhappens that feels like a loss
or it feels like adisappointment or feels like a
failure. You write it down andleave two lines blank, and on
the first line, you write down,it's like that thing really
bothered me. And then a monthlater, you come back to the
first line that you left blankunder it and write down, what
did you learn? And then threemonths later, you come back to

(05:56):
the second line and write down agood thing that happened because
of that loss, and you're you'refilling in the notebook, and by
the time you're going to a newthing that's really bugging you,
really bothering you, you startto look forward to it, because
you're going to be looking backat the knowledge and growth from
past negative experiences andthe and the benefit that

(06:16):
actually has come from thosenegative experiences. Well,
never, never. Never wastesacrifice. Never waste your
suffering.
Growth mindset. And I know a lotof people say, you know, don't
look back, but I don't agreewith that. I think it's I think
there's a lot to learn from fromfrom that God said it to Lot.

(06:36):
Somebody turned it intostone. I think it was
Prometheus. Set it toOrpheus right,
and he looked back and couldn'thelp himself, but, yeah, no,
sometimes you don't want to lookback and live in regret, but if
right, but if you live ingrowth, then that's then you can

(06:56):
look back. Then you should belooking back. And if you can, if
you want to establish a growthmindset, you can't establish a
growth mindset unless you growthmindset unless you acknowledge
how far you've come. Yeah,that's really good. I love it. I
love how you summarize that sothat's never waste your
suffering. Now, a lot of what wewant to talk about today is also
guarding your heart. How toguard your heart? And Jordan

(07:19):
Peterson, the great psychologistfrom originally from the
University of Toronto, has said,list of the the five people to
cut out of your life. We've hadconversations in this group
before. Gib as you, as you know,people say, Hey, can I'm having
this problem with this familymember, having power with that
family member. So she's going tobring that up. We can talk about
about sickness, how to beatthat? The different modalities

(07:42):
we can talk about sleep and allthat stuff, but, but a lot of
times the reason we lose sleep,and a lot of times the reason we
get sick, is because ofinterpersonal relationships.
Yes,yeah, yeah. You that stuff wears
on you. You replay it, and itgives you anxiety and stress,
and stress over time. If youknow, you go for a run. That's
acute stress. You sit there andruminate for several hours about
bad relationships. That's thekind of chronic stress that

(08:05):
creates inflammation in yourbody, and inflammation leads to
metabolic disease.
Yeah. So you're gonna want, ifyou have a pen, you're gonna
want again, you can, you know,of course, watch this in the
replay, but you're gonna want towrite this down, because it's,
it's it's dense. There's a lotof really good information in
here. Here's Jordan Peterson onthe five people you should cut

(08:25):
out of your life. Fivepeople you should cut out of
your life. Be careful with thelast one. Number one, the
competitor, they might want tosee you do well, but they surely
don't want to see you do betterthan them. Number two, the user,
they will only love you as muchas they can use you. As soon as
you no longer give them whatthey want, they disappear.

(08:46):
Number three, the blamer. Theymake you feel guilty and never
take responsibility. Theirmanipulation goes so far that
you even start to believe youare to blame.
Number four, the complainer.

(09:07):
They will steal your peace bycomplaining about the same
things they aren't willing tochange. Number five, the abuser.
They abuse your forgiveness,trust and loyalty. They abuse
everything you give them, andyou will only realize it when
they are no longer in your life.
Think about that for a second,and remember your well being is
important surround yourself withpeople who uplift you and bring

(09:31):
positivity into your life.
Yeah, that's that's pretty deep,and it's it takes work to figure
out what people, what impactthey're having on you, and
whether that's even good foryou, good for your heart.
Those are all traits of a ofnarcissistic personality
disorder. Those are all, thoseare all the narcissist traits,

(09:52):
right? They, they, they onlywant what they can get from you.
They want you to do well, butnot better than them. They make
that. They make any. Success isabout the comparison to
themselves. They're abusive,they're gaslighting all of those
things, and you have to be awareof that, because you may love
somebody, you may you may reallycare about somebody, but if they

(10:14):
are a narcissist or exhibitingthose traits that Peterson just
just put out there, that love isin the long run, it's, it's just
going to cause you stress, andyou have to, you have to be able
to identify that. You have to beable to identify that, that what
they're doing is manipulative.
And then you may not be able toget them out of your life,

(10:35):
right? You may, you may not beable to get them out of your
life, but you have to. You. Youhave to acknowledge it, and in
acknowledging it, that does 90%of the work, right? You're just
aware that this kind of stuff ishappening, and you distance
yourself from them so thatyou're not getting your rewards
from their attention. I find howthey win.
I found it interesting that thecomplainer was in there, oh

(10:59):
yeah, you know, because theother ones, it's like, oh, yeah,
I know. I should get rid ofthis, and I should not tolerate
this. And this is this, as youmentioned. This is, this is
gaslighting, but, but when youthink you, we can all probably
think of, I'm thinking of, Iwant somebody from you. I think
of somebody from me. And I'veactually been the chronic
complainer before, when I wasgoing through cancer and
drinking too much, and justbecause I thought I had a

(11:23):
license to complain, but, but,but anyway, it's that that's
important. That's just asimportant as not. Is not because
that because it really does dragyou down. It
really does the complainer is,is mean. Again, we've mentioned
people in our own lives that arethat are like that, and it just
at a certain point it becomes Ican feel the stress in me. It
becomes exhausting. I was justliterally before we started the

(11:46):
broadcast, I was getting a textmessage from a friend of mine
who is quitting our soccerleague board. Oh, for this exact
reason, he is so tired of not ofthis stress that is caused by
people complaining to him aboutthings that are not supposed to
be happening and that he'salready put the procedures in
place, but people are stillcomplaining to him he can't
handle the stress anymore. He'slike, I can't do this anymore. I

(12:07):
gotto stop. And what do you do if
you just use, you know, yourlife as an as an example? Yeah,
Gib is a soccer referee, andhe's at the level where he's
actually teaching other refereesand and, you know, running the
show and talking about hundredsand hundreds of kids and 1000s,
really, of parents andgrandparents and so after a
weekend of this and maybecoaching even six games in one

(12:30):
day, how do you deal with yourheart? How do you deal with the
complaining that comes off thatfield? Martini.
Go ahead. I go ahead.

(12:51):
I have to. So I would say I havea hard I have an easier time
with refereeing, just becauseit's my call. I know what the
laws are and the laws the game,and I'm able to kind of
navigated. If parents arereally, really complaining, I've
gotten to, I've gotten to alevel where I show my cards,
which are the red and the yellowcards, in order to keep, to keep
the coaches in line, and I makethe sideline the coach's

(13:13):
responsibility. So I havetechniques to manage the game
where I have the hardest time isactually when I'm coaching
baseball and my team's making alot of mistakes. And I have a
couple parents on my team rightnow who are who are really
negative towards their own kid,and and they yell at the whole
team. And I so I try, you know,I try to expect greatness and

(13:34):
expect good things from thekids, and tell them, you know,
tell them what the right thingto do is, and I don't let them
not own their mistakes. But thenI always switch to positivity. I
always say, here's what we didwrong, here's what we need to
work on, and then here's what wedid well today. And you know,
some of these parents like youdon't, you shouldn't be given
them. We do. I do helmetstickers after a game, where I
give them stickers for thethings that they did well, and
they put them on their helmets.
You see college football teamsdo this too. You know, you look

(13:56):
at the Ohio State and like, thedefensive backs all have like,
1000 Buckeye stickers on there.
I usedto get those. My piano teacher
used to give me a littlesticker. Yes, I never got it's
not true, yourprofessional family,
but so I, you know, like, Ican't believe you're giving out
helmet stickers. You should bemaking them run laps. Oh, I

(14:16):
remember that was there forthat. Yeah. So, so actually, I
am internalizing so much of thatmore because I feel more
responsibility for the kidsdevelopment as a coach than I do
as a referee. And then, youknow, so I'll often, like, I'll
often take a second after I gethome and kind of separate myself
from my wife and kids for asecond, just kind of take a
breath and I remind myself,like, hey, what? What am I doing

(14:37):
here? I'm trying to, I'm tryingto make these, what are my
goals? My goal is, I don't careif I win a little league minor
championship, right? We're stillin the minors with my with my
son, I care that these kidsreally like playing baseball,
and winning helps to help, helpsto like baseball. So I get that,
but my goal is not really to winthe championship. My goal is
that these kids will likebaseball and grow in their in
their ability. And so I remindmyself of my priority. These

(15:00):
are. And then sometimes I'll sitdown my wife and we'll go
because she's a very good coach,and I'll go over like, what you
know, what went well with, whatdidn't go well, and just remind
myself that, hey, I actuallywant, I want these kids to walk
out encouraged and feeling likethey're making progress. I want
them to make progress. That'smore important than them hating
themselves and feeling shamebecause they made mistakes. Now
that doesn't mean you ignoremistakes, but it does mean that,

(15:21):
like, Hey, I remind myself, thisis what my priority matrix is.
This is, these are the thingsthat are important to me as a
coach and and that thatrecapitulation for myself of
what why I do this is helpfulfor me to shed the people who
may, may or may not necessarilyget that vision. Yeah,
and the end there, you know,there's a there's a book that
gives us the road map for forhow to guard our hearts, and it

(15:44):
happens to be the Bible and sohow to avoid the paths of Bible
says the wicked. So the personyou're dealing with might not be
wicked, but what they're doing,likely is so proverbs 414,
through 19, emphasizes avoidingthe paths and company of the
wicked as their ways lead todarkness and destruction,

(16:05):
separation from immorality.
First, Corinthians fiveinstructs believers not to
associate with those who aresexually immoral, greedy,
idolaters or slanderers, even tothe point of not even eating
with them and then seeking thethe righteous proverbs 16
suggests that good people stayaway from evil and protect their

(16:26):
lives by watching their theiractions. And there's also in
Proverbs 23 I believe it's aboveall, above all things, guard
your heart, and that's whatwe're talking about, right? Is?
Is okay so healing workshop,recovering, fighting, fighting,
stick, sickness, adding years toto your life. Stress, the stress

(16:50):
of relationships can bring, canjust take you right out,
yeah, yeah. It's alsoacknowledging that the stress of
relationships is something thatis entirely happening between
your ears, right? Like there arerealities to the stress of
relationships. I'm not takingaway from the fact that, oh my
gosh, I'm worried about thisthing that might happen. But
when you spend time worryingabout things that might happen,

(17:11):
when you spend time going overwhat could be said, or what you
know, what, you either have tosay the thing to clear your
conscience, or you have to letit go. Those are your two
options, and everything inbetween is just you
internalizing stress. And so youknow, talking about avoiding
people who are who are wicked,that's not always possible if

(17:33):
you feel like a close familymember is wicked. And I don't
you know you don't want toother. You don't make that
person you can't remove thatperson from your life, because
it's an important relationship,but you end up spending so much
time going, oh my gosh, if I saythis, they're gonna, they're
gonna run away. If I don't saythis, you know, they're gonna,
I'm leaving stuff on the youjust gotta decide you're gonna
say it, or you are you not gonnasay it. And the more time you

(17:54):
spend ruminating about it andfeeling frustrated, the the that
you're doing that to yourself,you're creating inflammation in
yourself. Yeah, good.
Gib, good. Really, good. There'salso the and, but technique that
I've been taught before in intherapy, and that's where it's
like, if so, if I was to do it,I'd say, oh my gosh, my wife is,
is this crazy Italian thatsometimes just, you know, erupts

(18:18):
because she's so she's sopassionate what? And she's the
most amazing caregiver, and shehelped save my life. You know,
it's, it's, if you have, if youput the butt in there, then,
then you're just, you're puttingtoo much weight on the on the
other one. So you can use that,that technique. Now, Mel Robbins

(18:38):
is a, usually, is a productivitycoach, and she has studied this
for four years and verysuccessful online and hundreds
of speaking engagements all overthe world. And she has come up
with this technique for dealingwith, with people and with, not
only with family members, buteven with with with coworkers

(19:01):
and in business. And she callsit the let them technique. I'm
not sure if you've seen I hadn'tseen it before, but take a
listen to this and see what youthink. Anytime
you feel annoyed or stressed outor hurt or worried or bothered
by or worked up about somethinggoing on, you just say the two
words, let them, and when yousay those two words, let them,

(19:25):
you're going to immediately feelthis kind of drop in your
shoulders, and then you're goingto feel this release and
detachment, and you also feelthis sense of superiority,
because When you say let them,whether it's let them do
construction on a Monday morningand backup traffic, let them not

(19:47):
staff the grocery store properlyand force me to stand in this
line here. Let my mother be in abad mood. Let them not give me
that business deal. Let AI takeover the world when you say, let
them do. You are recognizingthat I can't control this. It's
already happening, and so I'mkind of going to allow it
without allowing it, because Isee what's happening.

(20:10):
Let's not take this as asgospel, until we ask you what
you think.
Oh, I mean, this is the SerenityPrayer. It's a, it's a way, it's
a, it's a shorthand for you todeal with this friend, any
prayer. So this friend, anyprayer, for those of you that
have never been addicted toanything is grant me the
serenity to accept the things Icannot change, the courage to
change the things I can, and thewisdom to know the difference so

(20:31):
that this that's that's thefirst part of serenity prayer.
That is when you say, let themyou are talking about accepting
the parts of of the world thatyou cannot change. There are
things about the people in yourlife that you will not be able
to change, and this is what I'msaying. You have to decide what
you're, what you have, what youhave the stomach for, and you
need to decide what you need tolet go. And you decide it
quickly, because the more timeyou spend ruminating about it,

(20:54):
the worse it's going to be foryou. It's not going to have a
bigger impact on them. It's notgoing to have a bigger change
around you. It's just going tobe worse for you. So to her
point, it does not mean that youhave to accept the final outcome
of what those things are. Itdoes not mean that you have to
accept failure or that thingsare outside of your control. You
just have to accept the thingsthat are outside of your

(21:17):
control, and then you have todecide how you're going to react
to it. This is it goes back tostoicism. This goes back to this
idea that what is is, and nowyour reaction to it is the thing
that you Right,right, right, right, that's
that's deep, so conflict. Let's,let's talk about, about conflict
and and listening, and how tohave a conversation where the

(21:39):
person that you're talking tocould be a family member, could
be a spouse, could be a kid. Howdo you how do you get through
that conflict in a conversationwhere where both sides know
they're listening to each other?
Here's Jordan Peterson, again,the psychologist Roger said,

(21:59):
Look,if you're having an argument
with someone, this really works.
If it's someone close to you,it's like you having this bitter
argument. You have your say,then I'm going to say what you
told me, but you have to agreethat I got it right, right, and
then, and then the reverse. Iget to have my peace, and then
you get to say what I said, Butyou have to formulate my

(22:20):
argument back to me in a mannerthat I agree with. And one of
the things Rogers pointed outis, if you do that, the
arguments tend to becomeproductive. So that's a love.
That's a lovely technique. Itreally does work. I
think Gary Smalley called thatdrive through therapy. Yes,
yeah.
One person gives the order andthe other person is the drive
through attendant who has toread the order back. Yeah.
That's the metaphor of what yourwhat your emotional reality is,

(22:43):
right? And you always feelbetter when the when the server,
who's at your table, instead ofjust running off, reads there or
on the phone with your Okay, sothis is what you ordered, yeah?
And then you say, Okay, so thetwo of us are good, yeah,
right. And it, first of all,this, this goes back to a thing
that I think is reallyimportant. You don't understand
your own argument unless youfully understand the

(23:03):
opposition's argument. And thisis like 90% of what you learn in
law school, right is, how doeshow to fully understand both
your own argument and then alsoformulate the opposing argument?
They make people switch sidesconstantly during during mock
trials and debates, because youdon't again, you don't
understand the case if you don'tunderstand both sides and in
interpersonal relationships,what happens is we dig our heels

(23:25):
in, and we think the otherperson is being irrational. But
everybody has irrationalmoments. But for the most part,
we are governed by a certaininnate rationality, unless
you're an actual sociopath, andthat is exceedingly rare. We
don't realize how actually rarethat is. So unless you're an
actual sociopath. There is aninherent logic to what the
person in your life is sayingand doing, and that's why, you
know, we talk about the fivepeople you should cut out of

(23:46):
your life. The reason why youwant to cut those people out of
your life is because that'snarcissistic personality traits.
Those are things that actuallyare sociopathic. When you, if
you, if you can acknowledge thatyou're going to cut those people
out of your lives, the peoplethat are left have an inherent
logic, so you need to deal withthem and fully understand what
their argument is so that youcan move forward and what, what

(24:09):
Peterson points out there, andwhat we call drive through
therapy is is a great tool toget you to that place.
Yeah, I remember when, well, Igot a couple of books that I've
I've read, including StephenCovey's Seven Habits of Highly
Successful People and highlysuccessful families all the way

(24:30):
through. He took it all the waythrough is, is understanding the
paradigm shift and and beforeyou overreact to to somebody,
whether it's whether it's anacquaintance or a business
person or whatever, considerbefore you pick up the phone,
before you start texting oremail, consider what it is,
where they may be coming from.
And I have to do this all thetime, because we in the world

(24:52):
that we live in, we just, we'rejust in and out of just lately,
especially, we're in and out ofcontract. All the time, and so
and Gib knows that because of,because of just the first one
that I am, I take a lot of stuffpersonally, and we want to be
very involved in especially whenyou're negotiating with music or
radio show stuff or whatever.

(25:15):
And so I'm always remindingmyself somebody else gave me
this tip years ago. Is, wasassume goodness. You know,
assume goodness. Assume Don't,don't read, don't read. What
they just send you with, with,with, in the mood that you're in
right now. And you know isassume Goodness. Goodness first,
it might not be, you mightdiscover later that there's
wickedness going on. But we haveto start by assuming goodness.

(25:37):
Yeah, there'salso something called handling
razor. Everybody knows Occam'srazor. Which is, these are,
these are logical razors. Solock them. Razor is all things
being equal. The simplest answeris the most halens Razor is
never attribute to malice. Whatcan be more easily attributed to
incompetence? So sometimes wethink that people are doing
things to be mean, when they mayjust not know better. It may

(26:00):
just be stupid, yeah, or, youknow, or they just may have made
a mistake, versus they'reactually trying to to, you know,
to pull one over on you or hurtyou. There are people in our
lives who always assume thatpeople are trying to hurt them
and then, and then, that createsadditional conflict. But I mean
to get specific about whatyou're talking about. I won't
get as specific as I will, forto violate an NDA. But you know,

(26:22):
negotiating the rights to a to apiece of music, the person, a
lawyer, doing his job, which isto get the best deal for his for
his client, was saying thingsabout not necessarily wanting to
use this piece of music for acertain for certain thing. And
mentally, we all knew in thecall that this was a negotiating
tactic. But when you're anartist, it's hard to it's hard

(26:44):
to protect yourself from thatfeeling of what the person is
saying. This is why we were justtalking about this before we
started the broadcast. This iswhy in in the entertainment
industry, we have agents andstuff like that, so that you can
the rejection is not givendirectly to the artist. It's
given to the agent, who then canuse that can use that and
negotiate on your behalf. So youdon't have to hear that back and

(27:05):
forth, which can be incrediblyhurtful to somebody who puts
their heart out there and andso, you know, it turned out not
to be true. It turned out to bevery obviously a negotiating
tactic. And I keep remindinghim, like, take that in, that
it's how much that was like, letthe positive side of that hits
your heart as much as thenegative side of that hit your
heart. And that's an importantthing when you know, when you're
trying to, when you're dealingwith relationships, we tend to

(27:28):
take the negative things thatpeople do, and we allow that to
have a 10x effect on our heart,and the positive effects that
people do have like have a 1xright? So we need to, we need to
start giving them equal weight.
We need to start understandingwhere people are coming from
better, and that will lead tohealthier relationships. There's
also something in business, andwe can apply it to life as well

(27:52):
to relationships, somethingcalled deal fatigue, and that is
where you're going back andforth and back and forth and
back and forth, and you just,you, you, if you're up against
an adversary, who's, who's who'sdone this, you know, more times
than you then you do you, youeventually give in on stuff that
you didn't really want to givein on. My wife buying cars,

(28:15):
really, hey, theone thing we don't want to do is
get that car, that price, gotit, and then you were there for
four hours, and we end upwalking out with that car for
thatwell, deal fatigue with me is
arguing with my Italian wife,and I just, I just cannot
Outlast her, you know? And sothat's another thing. Is just,

(28:35):
you know, is, is, is pickingyour battles, but, but
understand that deal fatigue isreal.
33 years this year, you guyshave been married. I know I
think you gave, got it gave intodeal fatigue like 32 years ago.
Yeah, yeah, but yeah, my, my, mywife is tough and she's my best

(28:57):
friend.
You got tied for best friends.
Yeah? So, I don't know where youalways the deal fatigue is
understanding that you may needto take a break. Yes, you know,
yeah, that's, that's, that'sreally a big deal. It's going
back to your to your wife, too.
Is that you're talking about,about, about people complaining,

(29:18):
right? And people getting angryat you or whatever, on the on
the field, where you know lots.
But believe it or not, parentswho come to these to these
matches, soccer or baseball,many of them have been drinking.
Oh yeah, I can smell it on them.
I can they come over, startcomplaining, like, alcohol,
yeah, absolutely.
That smells incredible. Oh,right,

(29:39):
yeah, okay, hey, I'm going to mykids. I'm driving my kid to the
baseball game. Why don't I juststart drinking? Okay,
maybe they walked, maybe Uber.
Yeah, sounds like there's aseries in here. You should write
it. Maybe already done. Oh, and,okay, so. It does transition to

(30:01):
friendship and I love his nextpiece it's and it's Jordan,
Peterson again, but I love hisnext piece because I have I have
a I have a couple of friends whoI went to college with, and we
we don't always talk and we mayit may be six months it may be a
year maybe two years there wehave, we haven't talked and and

(30:22):
then all of a sudden we'll juststart talking on, start texting
each other or whatever, and notonce have any of the three of us
gone. How come you didn't returnmy How come you haven't called
me? How come you get it? Butthat I can think of the friends
or or the acquaintances whateverthat have done that to me and
say, you know you never you knowthis. Never returned my call or
the or whatever, and I did just,they're just not my friends

(30:45):
anymore, because you just, youjust don't need that. I mean,
you, you want to be responsibleas a friend, but you really just
don't need that.
You assume the best in peopleright? So
here, here's Peterson talkingabout, how can we tell that we
have a true friend? So bethinking, if you're if your
friends have thesecharacteristics these traits

(31:07):
here'show you know that you have a
true friend. There's a simpleway to know if you've got a true
friend in your corner IsabellaLundy said a best true
friendship withstands timedistance and silence If you've
got these three things, you gotto ride or die. Number one, a
true friend is a friend forlife. You both grow, evolve, hit
different stages, but you stillrock with each other through it

(31:28):
all. It's not about always beingon the same wave. It's about
respecting each other's journey.
Number two, you don't got to bein the same place. Real friends,
they support you, even from adistance, maybe you move away.
Maybe they start chasingdifferent dreams, and that's all
good. You want them to win justas much as you want to win

(31:48):
yourself. And number three,probably the most important one,
you don't need to be talkingevery day. Sometimes you'll go
weeks, months without choppingit up, but when you do, it's
like you never missed a beat.
That's how you know it's real.
If you got you know,I was thinking about you when I
when I first saw this video,this this morning, and I was
thinking, it's very interesting,the way you're living your life

(32:11):
right now, because you havedifferent text changes chains
with different people atdifferent at different levels,
in your different times in yourlife, right? Yes, can you
describe that for Okay,so Well, first and foremost, I
mean the relationship youdescribe your college buddies I
have with the with the boys thatI like a lot of the guys that I
went to high school with, I wasfriends with from kindergarten
all the way through my seniorhigh school, and we have that

(32:33):
kind of relationship that thatthat transcends time. It
transcends distance. Ittranscends silence. Somebody
won't, won't talk in one of thegroup chats for you know, six
months, and then they come back.
It doesn't, it doesn't matter tothat group in in that in that
group of friends, we have like,five different group chats, but

(32:55):
each one has a differentpermutation of the same, like 15
people. So I've got one that'sjust the guys that really like
the Dodgers, and we talk aboutLA sports in general. And I got
one that's like the big group ofguys that we grew up together,
and we were chatting all prettyconsistently, but a little bit
less consistent. I got onethat's a group of dads who whose
kids are in sports, and then onethat's a group of people who

(33:17):
have pelotons. We just, we justgo between, I go between, you
it's the same group of guys, butit's, you know, it's, it's like
these, these seven and all 15here, and then these three, and
then these four. And that, thatmovement, it keeps us connected
over all these different things.
I mean, again, we all went todifferent colleges we all do

(33:37):
different careers some doctors,some mortgage bankers, people
that work in entertainmentpeople work in tech and we do,
but we stay, we stay connectedthrough, through this, through
this, you know, this web and itis, it's a beautiful thing. It's
they are some of the closestpeople in my lives, even if we
don't talk every single day.
Have you ever had to kickanybody out of a Text group?

(34:00):
Okay, wedid. I think we've mentioned
this before. We did my sportyou're done on the radio, my
Sports Group has kicked guys outfor having the wrong attitude
about the teamthey don't think the team is any
good this year orsomething. Yeah, so, so we have
these, like, very specific rulesabout what you're allowed to
criticize, and they're unwrittenrules. This is silly, but this,

(34:20):
again, this is the kind ofnuance of friendship. So one
guy, we brought him in for theplayoffs of the Dodgers in the
playoffs, and he was saying toomany negative things during the
game, and so we so we got to getthat attitude out of here. It's
not positive enough. So wekicked him out for the rest of
the playoffs. So we're only thesupportive people were there
during the stressful time of theDodgers playoffs. No,

(34:44):
okay, I got it. I got it allright. Chrissy, we're we're done
with our rapid fire healingworkshop here. Do we have any Do
we have any questions thatanybody send us any questions?
Yep, I've got a question foryou. I. Yeah, it's kind of
related to what you guys aretalking about, but a little bit

(35:04):
more faith focused. Wondering ifthere's scripture or Bible
passage that either of you leantowards when you are feeling
unbelief or feeling disconnectedfrom God.
Ooh, what do you think Iwould say?

(35:25):
You know, it's tattooed on allof us, but Mark 1123, which is a
reminder of the power of faith,right? You know, whoever,
whoever says to a mountain, orwhoever says to a mountain that
should be cast in the sea, andbelieves in his heart that it
will be so, it will it will beSo, right? That idea that that
if you fully believe insomething, it will, it will, it

(35:45):
will go your way, and that thatrequires a lot of
recapitulation. So that's again,that's why it's tattooed on us.
That's why we It's why we talkabout it all the time. I also
find, I find the story of Davidand I find the story of Job to
both be ironic, Joe ironically,but to be incredibly supportive

(36:05):
of those feelings of lack offaith. You know, it's that. It's
they both remind me of the ofthe footprints poster. If you
guys remember that it was reallypopular 90s, sure, people put in
their bathroom. It's like you atthe end of your life, you look
back on your life as two sets offootprint on the beach, and you
say to Jesus, well, you know,what are those two sets of

(36:26):
footprints? He goes, Oh, thoseare the times I was walking with
you. And then you look and yousay, Well, why are the times
when it was the hardest there isthere only one set of
footprints? Why would youabandon me? So I didn't abandon
you. I didn't abandon you. I wascarrying you. So great. And so,
you know, it that that those,it's it got cheesy that have

(36:47):
seen that poster in everybody'sbathroom for a while, but the
the idea of what Job wentthrough, and how he wrestled
with God, and what David goesthrough, and his inadequacies
and how He is not worthy of themantle that was put on his
shoulders. Those remind me ofthe footprints poem and why and

(37:11):
when I am feeling low, those arethe stories that that that work
for me andalso understanding what what
Barry Bennett from Charis Biblehas to say about about the true,
the true nature of God. And sohere's we
need to know the nature of God.
First of all, what is God'snature? God's nature is life.

(37:35):
Jesus says, I come that theymight have life. John, 1010, and
that they might have it moreabundantly. The very nature of
God is life. The very nature ofGod is health, darkness and
death and sickness. Cannot dwellin His presence. His very nature
is life and health. So when webegin to approach the subject of

(38:01):
healing, we have to realize thathis nature is life. We have to
know what his nature is. Hisnature is not punishment, his
nature is not sickness, hisnature is not tragedy. His
nature is not taking things fromyou. His nature is to add things
to you. Seek first the Kingdom,and things will be not
subtracted, but added to yourlife. The nature of God is
abundance. Every good gift andevery perfect gift comes down

(38:23):
from the Father of lies, withwhom there is no variableness
nor shadow of churning. That'sthe nature of God. We need to be
sure of that in our hearts. Whatis his nature? And understanding
the true nature of God, as Barryhas said, is a way to banish
unbelief. Don't understand that,that those gifts are there, that
God has placed those gifts inyour heart. And when Jesus went

(38:47):
and took our sins, that was,that was another gift. And so
why wouldn't we believe? Right?
Right?
Yeah, right, right. I mean, Ijust, I was just in I find that
being in nature, being in thewild is also incredibly you just
came from Zion. I was just goingto bring that up, yeah, I just
came from Zion National Park,and wandering around there with

(39:08):
my with my family, and woke upevery day with these cathedral
like cliffs on either side. Itwas like walking through God's
own cathedral, like texting him,saying that. And, yeah, it was
a, it was a stark reminder ofjust how all of creation points
to to that connection with God.
And I that for me, that's one ofthe things that works getting

(39:32):
into for you, it's getting it'sstaring at the ocean. I like to
get into the ocean. I like to goon on mountain hikes. And that
that works for me.
Okay, anything else? Chrissy,yeah, there's a question from
somebody who said Johnnymentioned a few calls back
something about the power ofnostalgia. Do remind us how you
would use that? I was trying totake notes, and I've lost them

(39:56):
somewhere. So recapitulation onnostalgia. Yeah,
yeah. Nostalgia is, well, it's,it's, it's back to, you know,
remembrance, remembering thatwhen I, when I, when I when I
have a hard time and when I'mwhen I'm suffering or I'm afraid
of, of what, of, of how I'mgoing to get through something.

(40:18):
And this happens inrelationships too. If my wife
and I are arguing, and we'rehaving it, we're having a
difference of opinion. And, ofcourse, everybody argues
differently, you know, and, andI'm in it, and, you know, I
remember when, when, when wewere first married, every time
we had an argument, I just feltlike, well, this is over, you
know, and, and, and, because,when I was, when I was a kid, my

(40:44):
parents never argued. They just,they would, they would, they put
up strongholds, both of them.
And so I could, I could tellthat something was wrong right,
because my dad was powerwatering the grass, and my mom
was powering making friedchicken. You know,
hey, you had a beautiful yardand a delicious dinner. So

(41:04):
every time I had so every timethe yard, yeah, we're the best
yard in town. Really, dideverybody gain 15 pounds?
Exactly? That's how you couldtell what's going on in my in my
house. Also, it may have beenKen's cigarette hanging out of
his mouth and the high ball ofScotch that was. But, yeah, so.
So my my problem was that then Ibecame co dependent, because I

(41:26):
was like, is it is, you know, isthis? Is this my fault? So I
brought that into into myrelationship. But in the end,
Gib just mentioned, we justcelebrated 33 years of marriage
County, and I, but, but I butlooking, I can go back and look
at the times, in fact, I wroteabout in my book, I can go back
and look at the times when wehad a disagreement that I
really, really thought meant itwas, it was, in fact, if I would

(41:49):
just tell you when, when we weredating, right? And we only dated
for six months before we weremarried, but when, when, when
Connie and I were dating, Iremember there was, there was a
an argument that we had, and,and I said, I said, Well, do you
want me to leave? And, and shesays, Is that, is that your

(42:10):
solution to a disagreement we'rehaving? You're going to leave.
That's what you want to do as aman. And I'm like, okay, so I
was, I was pretty much donethere, but I realized that
that's what my dad did is thatwhen he went, when there was a
problem, he never reallyaddressed it. He just, he just
got in the car or whatever. Andsometimes you need to separate.
But so the nostalgia that I havein my relationship is so

(42:34):
powerful that I understand now,if I look back at that, it gives
me, it gives me the power torelax and to see where I am in
this and we don't argue all thetime. I'm sort of painting a
horrible picture here. But we,we don't wait, and we spend, and
Gib spent, spends a lot of that.
So we spent 24 hours together,Connie and I, because we work
together. We live in we work inthis house, travel together. We
go with the grandkids together,and all of us, we figured out

(42:56):
how to, you know how to do that.
And it's, in fact, when I leaveand go on on tour, somebody
like, well, where's Connie? It'stricky. Check out each other.
Exactly. Yeah, Gib, you there,but, but, but also nostalgia for
we you. There's a book calledthe Rule of 10 years old. I've

(43:17):
mentioned this. It's actually inthe secret stands for prayers
course, where we talk about howto find your purpose in life,
and you look at the halcyon daysof your youth, when you were 10
years old, what were you doing?
What? Because a lot of what youwere doing time was passing by,
and you didn't even know whattime it was, and then the street
lights came on and you had to gohome. Maybe it was playing stick
ball, or, like I watch his son,who will make a baseball out of

(43:39):
potatoes, you know, because he'sjust, it's always thinking about
all the time is baseball. So youcan see that he's either going
to be a baseball player or orhe's going to be, you know, a
sports agent or something likethat. You know, if you look back
at me at 10 years old, look atthe nostalgia of my life. Then I
was, I was making stuff. I wasmaking little movies with the
eight millimeter camera. I washad a Mr. Microphone and and I

(44:02):
was, I was playing piano tunesin a rock band. So you can, you
can look back at that if youstart losing yourself. That's
That's why nostalgia, I think,is is so valuable, because you
can use it as a tool to to seewhen, when you've accomplished
things that were hard for youwhen you got through hard times
and and to look at the at thereal you at 10 years old.

(44:26):
Yeah, yeah. It can shed a light.
It can shed light on what'sreally important to you. You
know you you're talking. Wetalked earlier in the in this
show today about about theimportance of looking back,
right, of learning what yourwhere your habits come from, and
where you've where you've grown,and how beneficial that is. And
there's a big part of what hejust described in looking at the

(44:48):
bad habits that he picked upfrom from his family of origin,
right, the the the negativereaction to conflict, or the or
the dissociative reaction. Inthe conflict and how he
internalized that, and soacknowledging that, and this is
like is where you know cognitivebehavioral therapy and talk
therapy really are helpful.

(45:09):
Acknowledging that helps himovercome and change that part of
him. And then you know,nostalgia also can shed light on
what's the most important, andcan remind you of what will be
important in the future forwhat's happening today will be
important for the future, and itreminds me of that, that thing
where so many of us would givealmost anything to get into a
time machine and make a changeto our younger selves, but so

(45:32):
few of us are willing to make achange today to the benefit of
our future selves. And nostalgiais a tool you can use to reframe
what you're doing today for thefuture nostalgia, which I
believe is a is a rock album.
And important safety tip toenjoy the feeling of the

(45:53):
nostalgia, right? But you'reonly going to, likely, only
going to remember the goodtimes, enjoy the feeling of
nostalgia. Be careful not to,not to act on something that
would take you out of yourrelationship, or what have you
quit your job on without,without thinking about it,
yeah, don't get back. Don'tleave your spouse for that high
school sweetheart to message youon Facebook, which we reported

(46:14):
on happens and grotesque amount.
Yeah,yeah. Just, you know, resist
that urge and also understandingthat that that when nostalgia
for most of us usually happens,when we when, when we see Andy
of Mayberry on TV accidentally,or

(46:38):
we hear Elton John's my song, orif
I was a sculptor, there it is.
But then again, no,yeah, so it's, it's, it's, it's
a wonderful way to just sort oflook back at you, at your life.
And then the third part of thisis, is, don't engage in sin
consciousness. It's Jesus wentto the cross to to take our

(47:02):
sins, not to remind us of oursins. And so there are things
that have happened in our livesthat we wish hadn't happened, or
we hadn't acted on, or whatever,and and when a lot of folks
should never get out of that,they just have, they have what's
called sin consciousness, andthey'll wake up in the middle of
night and just keep thinkingabout it, and that's where you
want to activate SecondCorinthians, 10, five, which is,

(47:24):
you know, capturing thosethoughts and casting them out to
the obedience of Christ. Butthat's, that's our answer, I
think, on the stone, yeah, yeah.
Idiots, stop dwelling on thepast.
How many sci fi how many sci fimovies have been made where
somebody invents a drug or adevice that allows you to live

(47:45):
in a memory, and it becomes soaddicting that it ruins the
current life of the person thatis doing that right? Yep, and
yeah. So you need to be wary ofthat, and however, you need to
use nostalgia as a tool, justlike your phone not be a tool of
nostalgia.
Thank you. There's only onerandom last question. It's a

(48:05):
health one. I'm just going tothrow it in here, since we have
some time, water that is infusedwith vitamins or minerals, is
this hooey? Or what do you guysthink of this? I know we've kind
of touched on this before. Ipersonally believe that vitamin
water is is, is hooey, because Idon't, I just don't see how you
can get that enough of it inthere and then, and then put it

(48:25):
on a shelf and have it survive.
That's, you know, yeah,function, functional food is
what you're talking about,basically,
right? I mean, if you're talkingabout actual vitamin water,
actual Gatorade that you go tothe store and buy and all that
stuff, for the most part, that'ssugar water. Sugar is not a
vitamin for those of you thatare interested, so vitamin water

(48:48):
like it tastes great. I have hadvitamin water after big
workouts. I enjoy it. I'm notthis is not a dig on vitamin
water, but the idea of vitamininfused water being a net
benefit is probably lower thanyou think I was just talking.
I've had this conversation likethree times in the last month.
For most people, even like, eventhose electrolyte packets are

(49:09):
overkill. If you are, if you areoverall healthy, you are you are
eating a balanced diet. Thereare a handful of vitamins that
you want to consider taking ifyou have a deficiency, and then
you're going to work with thatwith your doctor when we talk
about vitamin d3 and that kindof thing. But unless you are
running, you know, 20 pluskilometers at a, at a at a time,

(49:36):
or you are you are exercising inin real heat, you probably
electrolytes and water inelectrolytes and vitamins in
your water are probably justgoing to get peed out. You're
probably not going to absorb itthe way that you think you are,
and you're definitely overkill.
You're not losing enough salt tojustify that. Now, if you have
some other health conditionwhere you have to supplement

(49:56):
that, I'm not telling you toignore your doctor. I am.
Telling you that a lot of thestuff that is marketed for
athletes, to the general publicpopulation is is not really
helpful to most of us. You don'tneed a power bar if you're
running, if you're running 20kilometers, you might need a
power bar to refuel on the onthe run, but if you are sitting
at a desk, power bar is justnutritionally dense food that's

(50:18):
going to make you fatter,really, unless you are, unless
you're exercising accordingly.
So I think it's who we is thebottom line.
Yeah. I mean, there's so much,so many things come to mind,
just for experiments that I'vedone in my in my own life, and
so many doctors that I've talkedto in my in my journey, and then
there's all the interviews thatwe've done and stuff we've seen

(50:40):
from from Peter Attia with agreat book, outlive and I mean,
if I had to summarize his stuff,it's like, make sure that your
magnesium level is is optimum.
Make sure that your vitamin Dlevel is optimum. Make sure that
the first thing you do when youwake up in the morning is is
drink at least two glasses ofwater. And if you can, and it's
really worth making theinvestment, because they're not

(51:02):
that expensive anymore. Whateveryou want to do, yes, a pedometer
or Apple Watch, or whatever, yougot to have between seven and
10,000 steps a day, more thanvitamin water. Right, right,
exactly. And, and then there'sthe let's just do this again.
I've got it here somewhere.
Let's, let's, let's do Kristen.
Kristen Holmes on, on how, how,how important and crucial it is

(51:27):
to in which many peopleunderscore what she says, to
find a way to get up at the sametime every day.
I haven't, I haven't been sicksince 2017 I had a little tiny
head cold that lasted 48 hours,but since then, I literally have

(51:49):
not had a sniffle, a stomachache. I didn't get COVID like I
literally have not been sick.
And you know, there, I do a lotof other things well, but that
has been the single biggestchange, just sleeping and waking
up at the same time. That's it.
What is your routine now? How doyou ensure that happens? The key
to that is stabilizing when Iwake up, so I keep that

(52:12):
consistent, even if I can't goto bed at the same time. I
ensure that I wake up at thesame time, and that basically
sets my circadian rhythm, so Iwill then feel sleepy at the
right time, and I can kind ofkeep that virtuous cycle going.
Yeah, there it is. Yeah,more important. So just tying
that into vitamins for a second,we know if it's water soluble

(52:33):
vitamins. The reality is, mostof us have very expensive urine,
meaning that our urine is fullof very expensive over the
counter vitamins, and if it'sfat soluble vitamins, vitamins E
and a, I believe those, you haveto be very wary of taking too
much of because they don'tactually come out. So you can
have you can disrupt your bodyprocess. So you have to make

(52:55):
sure that you're actuallygetting regular blood tests with
those fat soluble vitamins. Butmore important than any of the
stuff that you're just going topee out or you're going to end
up hurting yourself with is, isthat sleep right? Sleep and
exercise, just the baseline ofsleep and exercise. And that's,
again, what she's talking aboutthere, and we mentioned this on
Tuesday, also what she's talkingabout there, is the fundamental

(53:16):
importance of that morningroutine, and how that morning
routine actually sets you up forthe nighttime routine, how that
morning routine actually setsyou up for the consistency of
the sleep schedule. If you'restruggling to fall asleep like
this is step one. Step one isstart getting up at the same
time every day and engaging in amorning routine that starts your
day off right. If you can startthat, well, then the getting
tired at the right time startsto fall right into place. If you

(53:37):
can start aligning yourself andnot sleeping in when you have
the opportunity to, but actuallygetting up at the same time
every single day. This doesn'tmean you don't live your life.
It doesn't mean you don't havethose nights where you have a
gala or a fundraiser and you endup staying up a little bit
later. That's fine. It's theconsistency 90% of the time
where you're waking up at thesame time. I agree.
I agree. Okay, all right.
Chrissy, you good. All good.

(53:58):
That's it. Thanks, guys. Thatwas awesome. Okay,
thank you. We'll see you. We'llsee you guys next week, and God
bless you all.
That's it for the show today.
Thank you guys so much forlistening. If you like what you
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