November 12, 2024 • 25 mins
We can write a book on what a bad lover looks like, but what makes a GOOD lover? What makes a person worthy of the title GOOD lover? Is it the sex? the attention to detail? the looks? Patty and the crew discuss.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Whether it's life, relationships, politics, or current events, nothing is
off limits. This is the Patty and the Millennials podcast,
powered by ACME Markets, helping to bridge the gap between
baby boomers, gen X and millennials.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
This is the podcast Patty and the Millennials. Thank you
so much for joining us in. Patty Jackson, I am
a radio event in Philadelphia and I love good conversation.
I really really do. Gen X, gen Z, men, women,
we talk all millennials, we talk to everybody, and it's
(00:41):
so good to have conversation. What makes a good lover
a lot of people don't get it. A lot of
people think they got it going on, and they don't.
It's nothing to do with size. There's nothing to do
with size or how built you are or your boom
is poppin'. If you're not a good lover, none of
(01:05):
that matters. I read this book called The Sensus Warman,
and it really changed my perspective because people think that
you need to be perfect in order to be a
good lover. Oh, I could not wait to talk to
this woman. Doctor Heather Richards is here. She is a
sexologist and doc I had to start this off with you,
(01:30):
what makes a good lover and how does confidence play
a part in being a good lover?
Speaker 3 (01:40):
Oh my gosh, Patty, you know I love this topic.
Speaker 4 (01:43):
This is my wheelhouse is right up my alley, And
everything you said I actually agree with because it's not
about size, it's not about physique. But today's social media
and society will have you thinking that's what it is.
And then you get this person you and they're not
a good lover in your eyes, right, And you're like, well,
(02:05):
wait a minute, that's not what social media told me.
That's not what this pornography shared with me.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Right, this is how I was raised. They're supposed to
be perfect.
Speaker 4 (02:13):
But there's no such thing. You know, you can have
a perfect person in your eyes because they're your person
and you have a love connection with them, right. And
I think a good lover encompasses so many things, Patty,
not just the way that when you have intercourse, but
it's the way that you communicate. I think a good
(02:33):
lover communicates effectively. I do think a good lover has
good sexual self esteem. But you know, sexual self esteem
is something that you have to build. You don't automatically
have it. You know, sometimes people come into a partnership thinking, oh,
I had all these partners, I'm so good because I
made all these people climax, or I'm always a performer. No,
(02:58):
that's not a good lover, Patty. A good lover is attentive,
someone who listens to the person's body and not thinking
that everybody's body is supposed to respond the same way,
because that's a misnomer, right. People do think that they
go from partner to partner doing the same exact thing
(03:18):
and you're looking at them like, no.
Speaker 3 (03:20):
That's not working for me.
Speaker 4 (03:22):
But you know, it does take someone to speak up
and tell them that's not working for them, because people
go around thinking things everything works for everybody. So a
good lover is a listener. What do I always say, Patty,
What's the number one thing you need is communication?
Speaker 2 (03:36):
When people rely on pornography as part of their sexual
their performers get people getting confused. If you watch porn
their performers. Yeah, and that's not real life.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
Nope.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Do you find that pornography could get in the way.
Speaker 4 (04:02):
Oh yes, Patty, yees capital okay, exclamation points. It always
gets in a way. If people were raised on pornography,
and it gets in a way in so many different
ways on looks.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
You know, they think.
Speaker 4 (04:16):
Everybody looks this way and they think you have to perform.
So let me just say something about penises and volvas. Right,
penises are not always on one hundred. They're not always
on one hundred, meaning erect on one hundred to make
love to somebody or have sex however you want to
define that. But no, you can be on a fifty
(04:37):
a sixty and you don't always have to have ejaculation either.
That doesn't always match up either, because people think you
have to have an ending and if you didn't, it
was horrible. It was horrible love making or sex. And
women aren't always looking like the women on the porn,
and neither are men, right, neither are people.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
We don't look that way.
Speaker 4 (04:58):
So either you you have to stop watching porn or
you have real conversations with people that you're making love
with or partner with about it. But it's hard when
you're not even attracted to actual people that are walking
down the street.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
So how about the person and things they need to
be that they need to look perfect in order to
be a good lover.
Speaker 4 (05:21):
Yeah, they got to come to therapy, patty, because that's
just not going to be good for their sex life,
because those are the people who hide when you're when
you're having sex or making love. Very low sexual self
esteem doesn't have any really, you know, and have all
these expectations even though they don't have sexual self esteem
and they're not they're not enjoying it. You're not having joy,
(05:42):
You're not having pleasure. Right, You got to have pleasure
at some point, men and women people, you just need
to have pleasure. So you need to figure out if
you don't enjoy the way that you look, how do
you expect somebody else to enjoy the way you look.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
We've got Dexter and he puts everything together in today
Sex we're talking about what makes a person a good lover.
You cannot be trying to talk to these young girls
and all you do is stay on your phone. This
is a true story that I heard. That's why you
(06:24):
get so damn quiet.
Speaker 5 (06:26):
When you said you can't be talking on the phone,
I was like, I've had situations where people will be like,
you be on your phone too.
Speaker 6 (06:33):
Much for me.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Well, when you did have sex, right, yeah, oh okay.
Speaker 5 (06:41):
But but before though, when people would be like, when
you know you go on a date, like you know,
first date or whatever, and they're like, oh, yeah, you
were on your phone the whole time we were on
the date. We're not doing nothing, you don't have no
sex event. They want nothing to do with you. People
who stay on their phones during date, you're not getting
no sucks.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
Who So the phone it takes away.
Speaker 5 (07:04):
If I'm sitting across from you and me and you
are having a conversation that we're talking and you were
on your phone, go talk to them because that's what
you want to be where you don't want to be
with me. A person who can't sit up their phone,
at least during a date is a terrible lover.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
What makes a good lover? Because some people are not
good lovers and has nothing to do with size. It's
selfishness or they don't want to learn. We got chocolate
Divinity Laturia Charleston Toya. What makes a good lover?
Speaker 3 (07:37):
Communication? You have to talk to each other. It is
your and more than just speaking. You gotta look for qes.
You know your partners.
Speaker 7 (07:47):
You know facial expressions when they tense up for certain
things like what they care about and what they don't
care about. So you have to talk to each other
more like, especially when it comes.
Speaker 3 (07:58):
To that other action like take up on the cues,
but say what you like. If they ain't doing what
you like, then go ahead and hey, move right there,
touch right here, you know, but it's got to be
some form of communications. And so many people get you know,
I'm tired, and you should already know. And in all instances,
especially if we've.
Speaker 7 (08:19):
Been together for forever, yes, there are certain things that
I shouldn't have.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
To tell you.
Speaker 8 (08:24):
You know how to get the car started, and if
it's not happening, then chill.
Speaker 3 (08:28):
You might want to go and find something else to do.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Ooh, I like how you said you know how to
get the car started.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
You know how to get the damn car started? Stop playing.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
What makes a good lover? We've got entrepreneur comedian Derek
Lee joining us. Derek, I was reading I was reading
this article. The young people ain't having sentence, they'd be
on the phone.
Speaker 9 (08:55):
Okay, let me tell you something. A good lover to me, well,
because I only know what it's like to make love
to a woman first of all. So so a good
lover to me is somebody who who takes their time,
knows your spots, talks a little bit in the bedroom.
(09:17):
Don't bring it up to her later. You you want
a lady in the street, but you want that freaking
to bed. But you want someone who likes to receive
and also likes to get. And for some reason, women
that have been a little more crazier have always been
better in bed. You know the ones at your job
that's a little more attitudey, a little more grumpy. Oh,
(09:38):
they've always been the best lovers. And but see now
people don't take the time and kiss the way they
used to. A good kisser, is it lets you know
that she's a good lover.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Wow. See I think the same way. I think the
same way. I'm very tis.
Speaker 9 (09:56):
I am not only kids. Talk to me a little bit.
We're going at it now. Say something in my ear.
You ain't got to give me a full conversation, but
be a little kinky in my ear. Say something.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
Would it be could I use your credit card to
go shopping? Try and go to kop.
Speaker 9 (10:15):
Well, well, you're controlling me now. If you got my
knees buckling, that woman's in control. Got my knees breaking,
we gonna do whatever it's sold. Let me tell you something.
A woman with great sex is very powerful. A woman
with great sex can control that man. She can ask
for stuff, and the next morning we out there doing it.
(10:38):
She could be whispering in our ear the whole time,
talking about, you know, I need a neat new TV.
Why you gonna say no that that woman done gave you,
She done made you a plate and broke you down
to the lowest common denominator. We get up the next
morning and say, you know, Target is having a sale
of those seventy five inches. Let's go on down there
and take a look. We think it's our idea, but
(11:00):
we forgot it was your idea.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Hold up, what makes a good lover? I read the
thing that said the young people aren't having sex, they
want to be on the phone. I was like, what
broadcaster reality all around? I'm every woman, We've got bochelarett See.
I got you laughing, But I did mo. I read
(11:22):
they said they'd be on the phones, and I'm like,
oh no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 10 (11:26):
No phone no, no, especially not at this big old age.
Speaker 6 (11:32):
Okay, this big old age.
Speaker 10 (11:33):
Saddy, I'm gonna need up close and personal, face to
face contact. I need the subtlety. So for me, what
makes a good lover is Yes, you gotta be able
to administer the vitamin G right, you got to be
able to really put that thing down. But for me,
it really happens before we.
Speaker 6 (11:50):
Get in the bedroom.
Speaker 10 (11:51):
Do you know what I mean? Like it happens for me.
It's like that person who is truly thoughtful and shows
me that he sees me all day long. So I'm
washing dishes, I'm busting stuffs, and he walks up behind me,
grabbing out up by the waist and kisses my neck.
Or we're lounging on the couch and watching the movie.
(12:11):
He picks up my feet to just start massaging my feet.
It's those little subtleties that says, I see you, I'm here,
I want to care for you, I want to love.
And then by the time we hit the bed, baby,
the oven has already been preheated. You see what I'm saying.
So none of that can happen over a telephone. I
need to see, touch steel and smell you, you know
(12:33):
what I mean. And that and then when he does
what he needs to do in that bedroom in terms
of how he administers that vitamin D honey, it's it's
the collective. It's the totality of all those things that
make a good lover.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
For what All right, let's flip the script. How could
a woman be a better lover?
Speaker 10 (12:58):
I think this. I'm working on this myself. I don't
have a I don't have a I don't have a
what do you call it. I don't have a person
right now. But what I think I would probably turn
myself inside and say, what I think we can work
on better is we can work on making it exciting, right,
(13:22):
because I think we get so comfortable. You know, Kelly
Rowlin got a song that says, touch me on my shoulder,
I roll over. They don't just want that rollover stuff.
They don't want that in the middle of row They
want you to really do something. And so I get
it that we're tired, we're working, and we got the
kids and all that stuff, But we have to really
understand the needs of a man, require us to, you know,
(13:46):
put a little spice on it, you know, even when
we don't feel like it. So if that means girl,
you go in that closet, you go in as Moche
and you come out as Michelle because you don't put
that blonde we're on and them high. You know what
I mean, You gotta do that every now and again,
and I think we get so used to it that
we it just becomes stale, you know, it just becomes stale.
(14:08):
So we got to keep the excitement and got to
keep that spark because men like variety.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
So if you can.
Speaker 10 (14:15):
Turn into Michelle on Monday and Tasha on Tuesday, you
see what I'm saying. They like that kind of stuff.
And so I think that we just to keep to complacent.
So we just need to keep a spice in the
bedroom to be good lovers because they physical child all that,
you know, kissing them on the neck in the middle
of the day, child, Ell, maybe send.
Speaker 11 (14:35):
Them a picture.
Speaker 10 (14:36):
How about send them a little text message during the day,
something hot and see me while he had worked. Oh
you know that sort of thing. Those kinds of things,
and those are the things we do in the beginning
of the relationship. But Child, by the time you get
somewhere in the middle, you got really used and accustomed
to this man, and we sort of fall off from
(14:56):
doing what we started doing.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
So what makes a person a good lover a man?
Or what? I read an article that said that the
kids is stay too busy on the phone, and I'm
like what, I'm a baby boomer. I'm like, what's that?
What's that? We're gonna warm the oven of what we're doing? Kim,
read this here. I heard that saying warm the oven up.
(15:22):
But I said, I like that, Kim. She's author optimist,
always wins. What makes a good lover? First of all,
you can't be selfish?
Speaker 6 (15:36):
No, Lord, have mercy, No you cannot. So that is one, Yes, yes, PJ.
That's one. The other is for me. I'm very touchy feely,
so I am a hugger by, you know, just normally right.
So I need that person to be sensuous. I need
(15:58):
that person to be room manti. And I also need
a little bit of spice, like real good. I need
you to whisper in my ear. Sweet nothing. I just
I I need the movie. So you know, if people say, oh,
(16:19):
you know that's a fairy tale, no it's not.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
I need the movie.
Speaker 6 (16:23):
You know, I need the movie. I need the movie.
And if I could, if I could say the best movie,
let me see, I need love Jones mixed with a
little freaky soul plane.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
Okay, okay, I'm learning so much from this particular part.
I am I'm just learning new phrases, new saying. I'm
hearing a lot of spices, like I need some spice, okay, oh.
Speaker 6 (16:49):
Yeah, Pattie, Oh for sure. And you know it's funny.
Speaker 3 (16:52):
It's funny, PJ.
Speaker 6 (16:53):
The older I get, the more I need. When I
was younger, was a little more conservative. And that's funny
to me because I would think it would be the
vice versa, right, as you get older, you become more conservative,
But it is the total opposite from me. I mean, girl,
(17:15):
I'm gonna keep a PG. But I'm telling you, as
I get as in my fifties, it is yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Okays. Are we talking about nut may, smoky paprika, regular paprika,
some cinnamon? What what.
Speaker 6 (17:37):
I'm talking hilapino pepper? Baby?
Speaker 3 (17:41):
Now?
Speaker 2 (17:41):
I really could not wait to talk to veteran broadcaster uncle. Oh,
we're talking about what makes a good lover? Now?
Speaker 3 (17:48):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (17:49):
I was reading that the younger said they want to
be on the phone all the time, and it's like,
what what what? What? What? Yeah?
Speaker 6 (17:59):
What is it?
Speaker 2 (18:00):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (18:02):
I don't know.
Speaker 8 (18:03):
I know I can't be on the phone. I don't
like to talk. I don't have that kind of patience.
I got the patience of a beetle. So I don't
want to be on the phone that long, you know,
I think the best way is through communication, proper communication,
you know, listen with the intent to understand and not
with the intent to reply.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Hmmm. Do you think if you find yourself with someone
who is selfish? Should you stick around that? Should you
just grab your underwear and be like them out?
Speaker 9 (18:39):
Now?
Speaker 4 (18:39):
Yeah?
Speaker 8 (18:39):
That because usually all I come with is my underwear,
So yeah, go.
Speaker 6 (18:47):
Grab my underwear and be like yo.
Speaker 8 (18:48):
You know, you can't deal with someone's self It's it's
they call them selfish a reason.
Speaker 6 (18:53):
You know what.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
The funniest thing is, it's not even funny.
Speaker 8 (18:56):
But people who are selfish know they're selfish and don't
care that they're selfish.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
So the question is, why should you care to stay
with them? Why should you give a crap what they feel?
Speaker 8 (19:10):
If they know they're selfish and they don't want to
change from their wicked ways, why should you even care
to stay?
Speaker 2 (19:18):
Should people fake orgasms thinking that makes them a better lover?
Speaker 8 (19:24):
No, that makes you a dummy, because what you know,
I'm gonna get mine. You can fake till your head
fall off, I'm gonna get mine.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
It ain't fake. So you faking what you feeling?
Speaker 8 (19:34):
Let me know what's going on, so I know so
I can be a better lover. You know you if
you faking something that's childish, you know somebody don't know you.
They ain't good and bad. You have to tell You
have to teach people how you want it to. People
don't think they need to teach people.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
You should already come prepared.
Speaker 8 (19:50):
You don't go on a job that you just got
hired on to know what to do right away. Then
everybody's different, So teach the person how you operate. They
coming from a different job, Teach them how to operate you.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
What makes a good lover, That's what we're talking about.
We got song stress does he kneel loven hearing DESI
about warming up the oven, being confident, not being selfish. Communication.
What makes a good lover.
Speaker 6 (20:23):
Honesty.
Speaker 12 (20:23):
What makes a good lover is somebody who is introspective,
somebody who's not afraid to look at themselves, to look
at that.
Speaker 6 (20:31):
Ish and say, I may need some reconstruction.
Speaker 12 (20:34):
And another huge thing for me is someone who is
aware of their love language and their partner's love language.
I may not need to be loved the way you
know how to love.
Speaker 6 (20:46):
I can be.
Speaker 12 (20:46):
I need to be loved the way I need to love.
So the love languages are affirmation of physical touch. You
know what I'm saying, things of that nature.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
You need to be loved in a different way.
Speaker 12 (20:56):
Than your partner. So when a partner acknowledges and loves
you the way you need to be loved, that is
top tier.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
What message would you have for the selfish lovers? And
the selfish lover could be a man or a woman.
Should you grab your underwear and run?
Speaker 3 (21:18):
Faerry? I got two words for the selfish lover? Miss me?
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Okay, make three words, miss me.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
Book don't come around me.
Speaker 12 (21:25):
I want nothing to do with selfish because at this
gender age of forty seven, I got a lot of
love to give and I want it back.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
He's graduating from Saint Jose University in twenty twenty five,
representing jen Z. We've got reescreen Saint Jose University. What
makes a person a good lover? Because I'm gonna tell
you something that I read, I can tell you something
I've read. They said that the young people all they
want to do is stay on the phone, And I'm like.
Speaker 13 (21:55):
What, I think what makes a great lover is a
person who really one communicates, but really understands and listens.
One thing that my generation lacks in is empathy. We're
so quick to be sympathetic, be like oh okay, I'm sorry,
or like I think I understand, But it's like when
(22:15):
when it comes to these loving relationships, empathy is what
really drives us. It helps you feel that emotion, feel
that passion because well relationships, especially in my generation, we're
quick to let go of things when they get hard.
But when things get hard, that's when the real love
starts to come out. And that's why empathy and just
understanding your partner, that's how when real good loving happens.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Dajuh Moore Evans is joining us representing the younger set
of the millennials, and we're talking about what makes a
person a good lover. I read this thing, Dasia, and
you know what, It's said that the young people are
too busy on the bones instead of giving up the
good sex, they're learning how.
Speaker 7 (23:02):
I mean, you're not wrong.
Speaker 11 (23:04):
I think also to the social media in a sense
of people are just scrolling on it. You're also just
looking at other things and thinking that they can have
like do you become like the grass the green on
the other side, or it's so easy people feel like
the don't have to put a lot of work in
or learn how to be skillful insert areas because if
you don't like, if somebody else will because they think
they have so many options on here in the world.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
M there are a lot. I think that social media
has definitely tainted one need not to be so called
perfect to be a better lover. It's not all about
size to be a better lover. I think you have
to be confident. You have to be confident, you've got
(23:46):
to be caring, and you've got you have to be
willing to learn to be a better lover.
Speaker 3 (23:55):
You know, people are so selfish.
Speaker 11 (23:57):
Family want what they want as long as they get
what they need corn nobody else.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
But now people are speaking up and they're like, well,
we're not going to be doing all this. So I
think the tides and then.
Speaker 11 (24:08):
It looks.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Go ahead.
Speaker 11 (24:13):
And I was gonna say that, and I think that again.
That takes you backtill if you're not in for it,
there's gonna be somebody who's less than you or I
feel like it's less than it's going to appreciate exactly
what I'm giving. Like, people put no effort and they'll
just go to what they feel like is beneath them,
somebody who's going to be you know, people just feel
like their ego will a lot of them to go
to the people that they feel like would be grateful
to have them so that they can feel better, not
(24:34):
that they're working on themselves.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
This conversation was so fascinating. What makes a person a
better lover? And I think you got to take selfishness
off of the table. Some people just aren't willing. That's
the person you definitely can't stay with. But being open, willing,
and confident will make you a better lover. This is
(24:57):
the podcast conversation Patty and a Millennial. You can find
us where podcasts live, Pandora, Apple, Spotify, iHeartRadio, and SoundCloud. Yeah,
that's where you can find it. Find us. It's a
great conversation Patty and the Millennials. I'm Patty Jackson. Thanks
(25:18):
for joining us.
Whether it's life, relationships, politics, or current events, nothing is
off limits. This is the Patty and the Millennials podcast,
powered by ACME Markets, helping to bridge the gap between
baby boomers, gen X and millennials.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
This is the podcast Patty and the Millennials. Thank you
so much for joining us in. Patty Jackson, I am
a radio event in Philadelphia and I love good conversation.
I really really do. Gen X, gen Z, men, women,
we talk all millennials, we talk to everybody, and it's
(00:41):
so good to have conversation. What makes a good lover
a lot of people don't get it. A lot of
people think they got it going on, and they don't.
It's nothing to do with size. There's nothing to do
with size or how built you are or your boom
is poppin'. If you're not a good lover, none of
(01:05):
that matters. I read this book called The Sensus Warman,
and it really changed my perspective because people think that
you need to be perfect in order to be a
good lover. Oh, I could not wait to talk to
this woman. Doctor Heather Richards is here. She is a
sexologist and doc I had to start this off with you,
(01:30):
what makes a good lover and how does confidence play
a part in being a good lover?
Speaker 3 (01:40):
Oh my gosh, Patty, you know I love this topic.
Speaker 4 (01:43):
This is my wheelhouse is right up my alley, And
everything you said I actually agree with because it's not
about size, it's not about physique. But today's social media
and society will have you thinking that's what it is.
And then you get this person you and they're not
a good lover in your eyes, right, And you're like, well,
(02:05):
wait a minute, that's not what social media told me.
That's not what this pornography shared with me.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Right, this is how I was raised. They're supposed to
be perfect.
Speaker 4 (02:13):
But there's no such thing. You know, you can have
a perfect person in your eyes because they're your person
and you have a love connection with them, right. And
I think a good lover encompasses so many things, Patty,
not just the way that when you have intercourse, but
it's the way that you communicate. I think a good
(02:33):
lover communicates effectively. I do think a good lover has
good sexual self esteem. But you know, sexual self esteem
is something that you have to build. You don't automatically
have it. You know, sometimes people come into a partnership thinking, oh,
I had all these partners, I'm so good because I
made all these people climax, or I'm always a performer. No,
(02:58):
that's not a good lover, Patty. A good lover is attentive,
someone who listens to the person's body and not thinking
that everybody's body is supposed to respond the same way,
because that's a misnomer, right. People do think that they
go from partner to partner doing the same exact thing
(03:18):
and you're looking at them like, no.
Speaker 3 (03:20):
That's not working for me.
Speaker 4 (03:22):
But you know, it does take someone to speak up
and tell them that's not working for them, because people
go around thinking things everything works for everybody. So a
good lover is a listener. What do I always say, Patty,
What's the number one thing you need is communication?
Speaker 2 (03:36):
When people rely on pornography as part of their sexual
their performers get people getting confused. If you watch porn
their performers. Yeah, and that's not real life.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
Nope.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Do you find that pornography could get in the way.
Speaker 4 (04:02):
Oh yes, Patty, yees capital okay, exclamation points. It always
gets in a way. If people were raised on pornography,
and it gets in a way in so many different
ways on looks.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
You know, they think.
Speaker 4 (04:16):
Everybody looks this way and they think you have to perform.
So let me just say something about penises and volvas. Right,
penises are not always on one hundred. They're not always
on one hundred, meaning erect on one hundred to make
love to somebody or have sex however you want to
define that. But no, you can be on a fifty
(04:37):
a sixty and you don't always have to have ejaculation either.
That doesn't always match up either, because people think you
have to have an ending and if you didn't, it
was horrible. It was horrible love making or sex. And
women aren't always looking like the women on the porn,
and neither are men, right, neither are people.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
We don't look that way.
Speaker 4 (04:58):
So either you you have to stop watching porn or
you have real conversations with people that you're making love
with or partner with about it. But it's hard when
you're not even attracted to actual people that are walking
down the street.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
So how about the person and things they need to
be that they need to look perfect in order to
be a good lover.
Speaker 4 (05:21):
Yeah, they got to come to therapy, patty, because that's
just not going to be good for their sex life,
because those are the people who hide when you're when
you're having sex or making love. Very low sexual self
esteem doesn't have any really, you know, and have all
these expectations even though they don't have sexual self esteem
and they're not they're not enjoying it. You're not having joy,
(05:42):
You're not having pleasure. Right, You got to have pleasure
at some point, men and women people, you just need
to have pleasure. So you need to figure out if
you don't enjoy the way that you look, how do
you expect somebody else to enjoy the way you look.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
We've got Dexter and he puts everything together in today
Sex we're talking about what makes a person a good lover.
You cannot be trying to talk to these young girls
and all you do is stay on your phone. This
is a true story that I heard. That's why you
(06:24):
get so damn quiet.
Speaker 5 (06:26):
When you said you can't be talking on the phone,
I was like, I've had situations where people will be like,
you be on your phone too.
Speaker 6 (06:33):
Much for me.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Well, when you did have sex, right, yeah, oh okay.
Speaker 5 (06:41):
But but before though, when people would be like, when
you know you go on a date, like you know,
first date or whatever, and they're like, oh, yeah, you
were on your phone the whole time we were on
the date. We're not doing nothing, you don't have no
sex event. They want nothing to do with you. People
who stay on their phones during date, you're not getting
no sucks.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
Who So the phone it takes away.
Speaker 5 (07:04):
If I'm sitting across from you and me and you
are having a conversation that we're talking and you were
on your phone, go talk to them because that's what
you want to be where you don't want to be
with me. A person who can't sit up their phone,
at least during a date is a terrible lover.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
What makes a good lover? Because some people are not
good lovers and has nothing to do with size. It's
selfishness or they don't want to learn. We got chocolate
Divinity Laturia Charleston Toya. What makes a good lover?
Speaker 3 (07:37):
Communication? You have to talk to each other. It is
your and more than just speaking. You gotta look for qes.
You know your partners.
Speaker 7 (07:47):
You know facial expressions when they tense up for certain
things like what they care about and what they don't
care about. So you have to talk to each other
more like, especially when it comes.
Speaker 3 (07:58):
To that other action like take up on the cues,
but say what you like. If they ain't doing what
you like, then go ahead and hey, move right there,
touch right here, you know, but it's got to be
some form of communications. And so many people get you know,
I'm tired, and you should already know. And in all instances,
especially if we've.
Speaker 7 (08:19):
Been together for forever, yes, there are certain things that
I shouldn't have.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
To tell you.
Speaker 8 (08:24):
You know how to get the car started, and if
it's not happening, then chill.
Speaker 3 (08:28):
You might want to go and find something else to do.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Ooh, I like how you said you know how to
get the car started.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
You know how to get the damn car started? Stop playing.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
What makes a good lover? We've got entrepreneur comedian Derek
Lee joining us. Derek, I was reading I was reading
this article. The young people ain't having sentence, they'd be
on the phone.
Speaker 9 (08:55):
Okay, let me tell you something. A good lover to me, well,
because I only know what it's like to make love
to a woman first of all. So so a good
lover to me is somebody who who takes their time,
knows your spots, talks a little bit in the bedroom.
(09:17):
Don't bring it up to her later. You you want
a lady in the street, but you want that freaking
to bed. But you want someone who likes to receive
and also likes to get. And for some reason, women
that have been a little more crazier have always been
better in bed. You know the ones at your job
that's a little more attitudey, a little more grumpy. Oh,
(09:38):
they've always been the best lovers. And but see now
people don't take the time and kiss the way they
used to. A good kisser, is it lets you know
that she's a good lover.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Wow. See I think the same way. I think the
same way. I'm very tis.
Speaker 9 (09:56):
I am not only kids. Talk to me a little bit.
We're going at it now. Say something in my ear.
You ain't got to give me a full conversation, but
be a little kinky in my ear. Say something.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
Would it be could I use your credit card to
go shopping? Try and go to kop.
Speaker 9 (10:15):
Well, well, you're controlling me now. If you got my
knees buckling, that woman's in control. Got my knees breaking,
we gonna do whatever it's sold. Let me tell you something.
A woman with great sex is very powerful. A woman
with great sex can control that man. She can ask
for stuff, and the next morning we out there doing it.
(10:38):
She could be whispering in our ear the whole time,
talking about, you know, I need a neat new TV.
Why you gonna say no that that woman done gave you,
She done made you a plate and broke you down
to the lowest common denominator. We get up the next
morning and say, you know, Target is having a sale
of those seventy five inches. Let's go on down there
and take a look. We think it's our idea, but
(11:00):
we forgot it was your idea.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Hold up, what makes a good lover? I read the
thing that said the young people aren't having sex, they
want to be on the phone. I was like, what
broadcaster reality all around? I'm every woman, We've got bochelarett See.
I got you laughing, But I did mo. I read
(11:22):
they said they'd be on the phones, and I'm like,
oh no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 10 (11:26):
No phone no, no, especially not at this big old age.
Speaker 6 (11:32):
Okay, this big old age.
Speaker 10 (11:33):
Saddy, I'm gonna need up close and personal, face to
face contact. I need the subtlety. So for me, what
makes a good lover is Yes, you gotta be able
to administer the vitamin G right, you got to be
able to really put that thing down. But for me,
it really happens before we.
Speaker 6 (11:50):
Get in the bedroom.
Speaker 10 (11:51):
Do you know what I mean? Like it happens for me.
It's like that person who is truly thoughtful and shows
me that he sees me all day long. So I'm
washing dishes, I'm busting stuffs, and he walks up behind me,
grabbing out up by the waist and kisses my neck.
Or we're lounging on the couch and watching the movie.
(12:11):
He picks up my feet to just start massaging my feet.
It's those little subtleties that says, I see you, I'm here,
I want to care for you, I want to love.
And then by the time we hit the bed, baby,
the oven has already been preheated. You see what I'm saying.
So none of that can happen over a telephone. I
need to see, touch steel and smell you, you know
(12:33):
what I mean. And that and then when he does
what he needs to do in that bedroom in terms
of how he administers that vitamin D honey, it's it's
the collective. It's the totality of all those things that
make a good lover.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
For what All right, let's flip the script. How could
a woman be a better lover?
Speaker 10 (12:58):
I think this. I'm working on this myself. I don't
have a I don't have a I don't have a
what do you call it. I don't have a person
right now. But what I think I would probably turn
myself inside and say, what I think we can work
on better is we can work on making it exciting, right,
(13:22):
because I think we get so comfortable. You know, Kelly
Rowlin got a song that says, touch me on my shoulder,
I roll over. They don't just want that rollover stuff.
They don't want that in the middle of row They
want you to really do something. And so I get
it that we're tired, we're working, and we got the
kids and all that stuff, But we have to really
understand the needs of a man, require us to, you know,
(13:46):
put a little spice on it, you know, even when
we don't feel like it. So if that means girl,
you go in that closet, you go in as Moche
and you come out as Michelle because you don't put
that blonde we're on and them high. You know what
I mean, You gotta do that every now and again,
and I think we get so used to it that
we it just becomes stale, you know, it just becomes stale.
(14:08):
So we got to keep the excitement and got to
keep that spark because men like variety.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
So if you can.
Speaker 10 (14:15):
Turn into Michelle on Monday and Tasha on Tuesday, you
see what I'm saying. They like that kind of stuff.
And so I think that we just to keep to complacent.
So we just need to keep a spice in the
bedroom to be good lovers because they physical child all that,
you know, kissing them on the neck in the middle
of the day, child, Ell, maybe send.
Speaker 11 (14:35):
Them a picture.
Speaker 10 (14:36):
How about send them a little text message during the day,
something hot and see me while he had worked. Oh
you know that sort of thing. Those kinds of things,
and those are the things we do in the beginning
of the relationship. But Child, by the time you get
somewhere in the middle, you got really used and accustomed
to this man, and we sort of fall off from
(14:56):
doing what we started doing.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
So what makes a person a good lover a man?
Or what? I read an article that said that the
kids is stay too busy on the phone, and I'm
like what, I'm a baby boomer. I'm like, what's that?
What's that? We're gonna warm the oven of what we're doing? Kim,
read this here. I heard that saying warm the oven up.
(15:22):
But I said, I like that, Kim. She's author optimist,
always wins. What makes a good lover? First of all,
you can't be selfish?
Speaker 6 (15:36):
No, Lord, have mercy, No you cannot. So that is one, Yes, yes, PJ.
That's one. The other is for me. I'm very touchy feely,
so I am a hugger by, you know, just normally right.
So I need that person to be sensuous. I need
(15:58):
that person to be room manti. And I also need
a little bit of spice, like real good. I need
you to whisper in my ear. Sweet nothing. I just
I I need the movie. So you know, if people say, oh,
(16:19):
you know that's a fairy tale, no it's not.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
I need the movie.
Speaker 6 (16:23):
You know, I need the movie. I need the movie.
And if I could, if I could say the best movie,
let me see, I need love Jones mixed with a
little freaky soul plane.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
Okay, okay, I'm learning so much from this particular part.
I am I'm just learning new phrases, new saying. I'm
hearing a lot of spices, like I need some spice, okay, oh.
Speaker 6 (16:49):
Yeah, Pattie, Oh for sure. And you know it's funny.
Speaker 3 (16:52):
It's funny, PJ.
Speaker 6 (16:53):
The older I get, the more I need. When I
was younger, was a little more conservative. And that's funny
to me because I would think it would be the
vice versa, right, as you get older, you become more conservative,
But it is the total opposite from me. I mean, girl,
(17:15):
I'm gonna keep a PG. But I'm telling you, as
I get as in my fifties, it is yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Okays. Are we talking about nut may, smoky paprika, regular paprika,
some cinnamon? What what.
Speaker 6 (17:37):
I'm talking hilapino pepper? Baby?
Speaker 3 (17:41):
Now?
Speaker 2 (17:41):
I really could not wait to talk to veteran broadcaster uncle. Oh,
we're talking about what makes a good lover? Now?
Speaker 3 (17:48):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (17:49):
I was reading that the younger said they want to
be on the phone all the time, and it's like,
what what what? What? What? Yeah?
Speaker 6 (17:59):
What is it?
Speaker 2 (18:00):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (18:02):
I don't know.
Speaker 8 (18:03):
I know I can't be on the phone. I don't
like to talk. I don't have that kind of patience.
I got the patience of a beetle. So I don't
want to be on the phone that long, you know,
I think the best way is through communication, proper communication,
you know, listen with the intent to understand and not
with the intent to reply.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Hmmm. Do you think if you find yourself with someone
who is selfish? Should you stick around that? Should you
just grab your underwear and be like them out?
Speaker 9 (18:39):
Now?
Speaker 4 (18:39):
Yeah?
Speaker 8 (18:39):
That because usually all I come with is my underwear,
So yeah, go.
Speaker 6 (18:47):
Grab my underwear and be like yo.
Speaker 8 (18:48):
You know, you can't deal with someone's self It's it's
they call them selfish a reason.
Speaker 6 (18:53):
You know what.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
The funniest thing is, it's not even funny.
Speaker 8 (18:56):
But people who are selfish know they're selfish and don't
care that they're selfish.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
So the question is, why should you care to stay
with them? Why should you give a crap what they feel?
Speaker 8 (19:10):
If they know they're selfish and they don't want to
change from their wicked ways, why should you even care
to stay?
Speaker 2 (19:18):
Should people fake orgasms thinking that makes them a better lover?
Speaker 8 (19:24):
No, that makes you a dummy, because what you know,
I'm gonna get mine. You can fake till your head
fall off, I'm gonna get mine.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
It ain't fake. So you faking what you feeling?
Speaker 8 (19:34):
Let me know what's going on, so I know so
I can be a better lover. You know you if
you faking something that's childish, you know somebody don't know you.
They ain't good and bad. You have to tell You
have to teach people how you want it to. People
don't think they need to teach people.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
You should already come prepared.
Speaker 8 (19:50):
You don't go on a job that you just got
hired on to know what to do right away. Then
everybody's different, So teach the person how you operate. They
coming from a different job, Teach them how to operate you.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
What makes a good lover, That's what we're talking about.
We got song stress does he kneel loven hearing DESI
about warming up the oven, being confident, not being selfish. Communication.
What makes a good lover.
Speaker 6 (20:23):
Honesty.
Speaker 12 (20:23):
What makes a good lover is somebody who is introspective,
somebody who's not afraid to look at themselves, to look
at that.
Speaker 6 (20:31):
Ish and say, I may need some reconstruction.
Speaker 12 (20:34):
And another huge thing for me is someone who is
aware of their love language and their partner's love language.
I may not need to be loved the way you
know how to love.
Speaker 6 (20:46):
I can be.
Speaker 12 (20:46):
I need to be loved the way I need to love.
So the love languages are affirmation of physical touch. You
know what I'm saying, things of that nature.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
You need to be loved in a different way.
Speaker 12 (20:56):
Than your partner. So when a partner acknowledges and loves
you the way you need to be loved, that is
top tier.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
What message would you have for the selfish lovers? And
the selfish lover could be a man or a woman.
Should you grab your underwear and run?
Speaker 3 (21:18):
Faerry? I got two words for the selfish lover? Miss me?
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Okay, make three words, miss me.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
Book don't come around me.
Speaker 12 (21:25):
I want nothing to do with selfish because at this
gender age of forty seven, I got a lot of
love to give and I want it back.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
He's graduating from Saint Jose University in twenty twenty five,
representing jen Z. We've got reescreen Saint Jose University. What
makes a person a good lover? Because I'm gonna tell
you something that I read, I can tell you something
I've read. They said that the young people all they
want to do is stay on the phone, And I'm like.
Speaker 13 (21:55):
What, I think what makes a great lover is a
person who really one communicates, but really understands and listens.
One thing that my generation lacks in is empathy. We're
so quick to be sympathetic, be like oh okay, I'm sorry,
or like I think I understand, But it's like when
(22:15):
when it comes to these loving relationships, empathy is what
really drives us. It helps you feel that emotion, feel
that passion because well relationships, especially in my generation, we're
quick to let go of things when they get hard.
But when things get hard, that's when the real love
starts to come out. And that's why empathy and just
understanding your partner, that's how when real good loving happens.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Dajuh Moore Evans is joining us representing the younger set
of the millennials, and we're talking about what makes a
person a good lover. I read this thing, Dasia, and
you know what, It's said that the young people are
too busy on the bones instead of giving up the
good sex, they're learning how.
Speaker 7 (23:02):
I mean, you're not wrong.
Speaker 11 (23:04):
I think also to the social media in a sense
of people are just scrolling on it. You're also just
looking at other things and thinking that they can have
like do you become like the grass the green on
the other side, or it's so easy people feel like
the don't have to put a lot of work in
or learn how to be skillful insert areas because if
you don't like, if somebody else will because they think
they have so many options on here in the world.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
M there are a lot. I think that social media
has definitely tainted one need not to be so called
perfect to be a better lover. It's not all about
size to be a better lover. I think you have
to be confident. You have to be confident, you've got
(23:46):
to be caring, and you've got you have to be
willing to learn to be a better lover.
Speaker 3 (23:55):
You know, people are so selfish.
Speaker 11 (23:57):
Family want what they want as long as they get
what they need corn nobody else.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
But now people are speaking up and they're like, well,
we're not going to be doing all this. So I
think the tides and then.
Speaker 11 (24:08):
It looks.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Go ahead.
Speaker 11 (24:13):
And I was gonna say that, and I think that again.
That takes you backtill if you're not in for it,
there's gonna be somebody who's less than you or I
feel like it's less than it's going to appreciate exactly
what I'm giving. Like, people put no effort and they'll
just go to what they feel like is beneath them,
somebody who's going to be you know, people just feel
like their ego will a lot of them to go
to the people that they feel like would be grateful
to have them so that they can feel better, not
(24:34):
that they're working on themselves.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
This conversation was so fascinating. What makes a person a
better lover? And I think you got to take selfishness
off of the table. Some people just aren't willing. That's
the person you definitely can't stay with. But being open, willing,
and confident will make you a better lover. This is
(24:57):
the podcast conversation Patty and a Millennial. You can find
us where podcasts live, Pandora, Apple, Spotify, iHeartRadio, and SoundCloud. Yeah,
that's where you can find it. Find us. It's a
great conversation Patty and the Millennials. I'm Patty Jackson. Thanks
(25:18):
for joining us.
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