Bert Kreischer - In Studio

Bert Kreischer hangs with The Woody Show

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
This story show. All right,welcome back, everybody, and everybody calm
down because we have a big moviestar sitting in the studio with us.
I know I am not called Yeah, pretty soon is a house is going
to be on those Hollywood star maps. Ladies and gentlemen, the Machine,

(00:26):
Burt, thank you, thank youfor having me, Thank you for having
me. Of course you'll have anopen invite to the show anytime. I
know, dude. How exciting TheMachine in theaters this weekend? Yes,
tomorrow night. It's the big Hollywoodpremiere. We've been giving away tickets and
passes for people to go the premiere. And one of the questions is is

(00:47):
Mark Hamill going to be there?Yeah, he'll be there. Is there
any chance that we can meet him? There's a list, there's a list
of I don't I don't want tosign anything. I know what you need.
I'm doad. He's signing anything.He got attacked by people trying to
know that sucks. I'm good attalking to the right person to get him
to say hi. Like there's likesometimes people go about it the wrong way,

(01:11):
and I've watched that happen and Ican definitely like it's a short list.
I can't walk him around and sayhi to everyone, but I got
you. I got you. Areyou saying that to everybody? I know?
I'm not secret time. I'm tellinga lot of people he's not coming
because because that's everyone's go too,they want to meet more Camels. And
so we were so sure if hewas going to be there, he's going
to be there. But I figuredthen I think he's going to come in

(01:32):
in the DL Like I don't thinkhe's going to do the Red Carpet.
I don't think. Yeah that thelast thing with Kerry Fisher's memorial thing,
I think they really lit him up, like and everything, and it kind
of spooked. He's like he's like, hey, that was cool when I
was younger, but I'm not thatguy anymore. Like I just want to
do some work and like and soyou know who he is everyone, Yeah,

(01:53):
and so so what was what wasit like the first time you met
him? Because you know, obviouslyyou were a Star Wars yea, everybody's
a Star Wars Star Wars right likethen Luke Skywalker. Now he's talking about
being in your movie. Yeah,Like what was that first like face to
face being like, uh, itwas great. We're on a private jet
going to Serbia. Oh my god. Video and I did it. I

(02:14):
said, Marcus, is really niceto meet you in person. So just
so you know, I can bea lot, so because I have to.
My wife always tells me, leteveryone know you cast a large wake
like you're you can overwhelm people withyour energy. I said, I'm a
lot. My wife also told mepack your own little baby whiskeys and don't
let him see you drink the wayyou drink on a plane. You may
scare him off and he may belike, this guy's got a problem.

(02:35):
All right. It was a seventeenhour flight to Serbia. Yeah, in
a private jet. We're in alittle tube. And so I was like,
I'm gonna be drinking like a fish. And so I said, it's
very nice to meet you. Listen. I shoot promos a lot. I'm
really big on in scamming. He'slike, I'm big on social media too.
I said, well, I'm gonnado a promo to announce the movie.
Here's my idea. And he goes, just tell me where to be.
Yeah, I said, all Ineed you to do is walk onto

(02:57):
the plane and we'll let you knowwhen to start walking. So we did
it in one take. One take. I go, I'm so excited.
I'm going to serve you shoot mymovie the Machine and with me is my
co star playing my dad. It'smore camel everybody. And he just goes
getting the plane big boy, andI guess we did not do He buckled
up. He was like, I'mdone. We got it, and I'm
like, lock the gates. Idon't want so and so uh but he

(03:21):
was awesome. And then on thatplane, I was like, I was
like, hey man, you know, we got a while, so I'm
gonna geek out you're ready And hewas like, I'm ready. Said something
about three PO and he goes,yeah, that guy. I knew that
guy. And I said, whatdo you mean that guy? He goes
the guy that played three PO.I go, what are you talking about?
It was a robot and he goes, no, it was a person,
Anthony. Yeah, I go,there's a person in c three po.
Yeah. He was like, areyou trying refreshing to talk to somebody

(03:46):
on that level? Yeah? Youknow what I mean, very simple level.
And then he goes, I'm aboutto blow your mind. You know
there was someone inside arch and therewas someone inside, and it was what
did you think they were? SoI thought there were robots, and he
goes, was nineteen seventy seven.We had the budget to build robots and
I never thought of that. Andthen he walked through and he gave me

(04:08):
the best behind the scenes stories,telling you about Harrison, telling you about
George, telling you about Carrie.That's telling you about just all of it.
It was like, he's so good. The my favorite story of all
this, and stop me. I'vetold you this is my favorite story.
So the first night, we goto dinner with my co star Eva Babbage
and she is plays the villain andit's the whole group but me, her

(04:30):
and Mark are all sitting next toeach other and she marks he's on his
way there, and she goes,hey, whatever you do, do not
to bring up Star Wars. Isaid, well, it's kind of a
thing. No no, no,no, no, just don't bring in
that. I haven't seen the movie. It wasn't very big, and I
go it was really bad, yeah, and she so Mark sits down and
I go, hey, Mark.Eva is a huge Star Wars fan,

(04:53):
and her eyes light up and shegoes, oh, yes, I love
anything where there's a good guy badguys story is my thing. And I
go, I go, even,who is your favorite character in Star Wars?
And you can't say Mark and youcan't say Mark, and she goes
all, probably Tobacca. I go, oh my god, this is great.
Mark. She does a great tobaccoimpression. Can you do your tobacco

(05:14):
impression? And she goes, ah, hello, I am Tobacca. So
funny, dude. We also taughther this is the okay, this is
the hardest I've ever laughed. Soshe hung out with her lot. She's
one of the funniest human beings andshe has never tries to be funny,
never tries to be funny, justvery dry. We taught her these nuts
okay. So we were like solike, we're like, yo, you

(05:38):
just say to someone, yo,can you pass me these? And they're
like what these? What? Andthey go these nuts? And then she
goes, I don't get it,and I said it's a joke. She's
like, so you just say giveme these and I go yeah, And
then I go these nuts and Igo, yeah, say these nuts.
She goes Okay. So we're sittingin the tent and Mark walks in and

(05:58):
she goes, Hey, Mark,don't sit on these. And he goes,
huh these He goes these nuts.Now, Mark is seventy five,
He's never heard this joke. He'slike, what's that? Meanes, I
don't know. It's supposed to befunny. He goes, it's not funny.
He goes, I don't think soeither. She was, she is.
She was a huge part of thestory of this movie because we found

(06:23):
out one day. She was like, I don't want I don't want to
spoil the movie. I'm just you'llwhen the movie comes out, I'll come
back in and I'll tell you thefunniest story, the funniest story that changed
the way we made the arc ofthis movie. Wow. Oh, it
was so funny that it like itbecame a thing that we went, what
if we did this? Because shewould when she would say things or do

(06:46):
things she was not trying to do, like I want to tell you about
the movie, but like she wasjust so very real. And those people
are so precious because they're not tryingto be funny, which makes them ten
million times funny. Yeah. Well, Burt Kreischer's here. His new movie
is called The Machine. It's outin theaters this weekend. Plenty more to
talk about, with Burt coming upnext here on The Woody Show. Hang
on the Woody Show. We'll beback in a sec. All right,

(07:10):
thank you very much, Greg GoryHere what Bert Kreischer is here? Oh?
Yeah, The Machine his new moviein theaters this weekend. Yes,
Like, how long is the processfrom the time that like you guys like
talked about this the first meeting untillike now it's coming out? Can we
guess? Yeah? Sure, Iwould think like four years? Yeah,

(07:30):
four years, four years, fouryears. I pitched it right next door,
that's where Legendary is. I've pitchedI pitched it on an accident,
Did you really? Yeah? Ihad bart already pitched The Machine everywhere and
everyone said no, everyone said no, yeah, And so I was like,
Okay, guess that's not gonna bemy movie. But I still want
to make a movie that'd be cool. And so I pitched three other movies
to this guy Kale over at Legendary. He's hilarious yeah, and he goes,

(07:53):
Okay, I'll make a movie.I was like, wait what he
was, which one you want tomake? I want to make a movie
with you. I think it'll befun. Which one you want to make?
If you'd say I can make amovie, I don't want to make
any of them. I want tomake the Machine. He's like, yeah,
how do we didn't pitch that?And I was like, I did?
I go no, I go,I didn't pitch. I didn't want
him. He's like, why didn'tyou pitch that? And I go,
I don't know, man, I'mjust tired of pitching it. And everyone
said no, And I go andwhat, like, what if it's a

(08:15):
hit? And then I get kidnapedby the Russian mafia and he looks at
his eyes light up and he goes, sold what He goes, that's your
movie. It's the Godfather to Me'sto hang over you get I love it.
I walked out. I didn't evenknow what I sold from that moment.
And I gotta tell you, man, everyone that worked on it kind
of did all the work. LikeI got scripts, I gave notes,
but like everyone that worked on thatmovie did all the work. That's why

(08:39):
I don't have a problem promoting themovie. Here's the deal with promoting movies
is like, I understand the vulnerabilitythat goes into when you put yourself out
like that when you're just literally atalking head promoting yourself. Everyone go to
the movies this week and I seemy movie The Machine. You can get
your movie tickets that The Machine movieto pre order them, but please come
out and support me, Like that'sthat is the talking point. Sure.

(09:01):
Here's the thing that I also understandis like, and Arnold Schwarzenegger told me
this, Uh, we weren't seeingthe big movie starting like name dropping people
when we were taking it out withArnold and we worked out in speech.
Did you see that? That's awesome? Did you see that? Like?
Yeah, hold on, it's Bertand Arnold Schwartzenegger, Pump and Iron on
Venice Beach, Like, how didthis happen? He random? I think,

(09:22):
my wife. But he's got likesome Netflix thing right, he's got
a Netflix show called fu Bar premieringtoday, I think on Netflix. My
wife called him. My wife reallyyeah. My wife was like, was
like, what if he worked outwith Arnold because I've been talking about doing
steroids last time and so uh andso she just called Uta and was like,

(09:45):
who represents Arnold And it's Randomly,it's my agent. So they got
him in touch and they were like, would he like to do something?
And then his team's really cool.They like put a clip of me talking
about him doing steroids on two meand everyone. He'll never and then they
showed him the kool Aid clip,the kool Aid clip and he lost it.
And then and so then we did, we worked out and we just

(10:07):
promoted it was fun man, nofilm cruise just phones Arnold's Arnold is the
consummate movie star because he gave everyonewhat they needed from him. Yeah,
like no, like don't put yourcameras away. It was like it was
like he came and then they werelike, hey, govenator and he's like,
as I guess down. He wasjust awesome. It was awesome.

(10:28):
Talked about him. The one thinghe said was you're promoting it, not
not just for you because you dobenefit, but for for the the A
D who if this movie does well, they get opportunities. For the produce,
all the people who works on thismovie, they then get opportunities if
this movie does well and all theirhard work, you're promoting it for them.
And I went, I have notime problem being a talking head at

(10:50):
that point. But you do understandthose guys like walking Fan Phoenix who like
getting their shell. I do getit, but I'm not that guy.
The new movie is The Machine.All right, welcome back everybody. It
is the Woody Show, The Machine. Burt is here, not just a

(11:13):
persona. Now it's a movie.The Machine in theaters this weekend, and
we're talking about just how exciting thatmust be. I mentioned it earlier this
week about you know, not onlyare you in a movie, the movie
is you like the movie is avalue. Yeah, you know, it's
kind of like, you know,Joe Cooy, he had his movie and
like that's got to be such atrip, you know, just as a

(11:33):
person who just grew up like anybodyelse grows up, and then you're doing
your thing in comedy and whatever else. But now here it is. The
movie a big Hollywood premiere, whichis happening tomorrow. Mark Hamill plays your
father in this movie. Is biglevel. Like when you're when you're laying
in bed and nobody else is there, not to be you know, entertaining

(11:54):
anybody else or whatever. You're justthere with your own thoughts. What are
you thinking. I think I'm gonnaI'm gonna I'm like real close to crying
a lot. Yeah, I'm justlike, here's what. I'm a very
honest person with everything, even myemotions. I'm in a weird place too,
because I've I've been borrowing all theenergy from like next week to make
sure I can really be in agreat place for this week. So I'm

(12:15):
sure the second they I said tomy wife, I wish said they,
I go up to the front oftheater and go, hey, I hope
you guys enjoyed the movie and someonecould chloroform me and then to a rehab
facility and then just put me underfor like a week and then wake me
up and go you're hydrated, you'verested, You're good, Like you're totally
good. Then now you can goback to work because I could use the

(12:35):
break. I think I'll probably startcrying. Yeah, but do you believe
it? I mean, it's likeone of those things that's hard to believe.
You made meat her up. Itold the story on the Oh yeah,
you were with hold on, Ihave the I have the clip here.
You were one on this Chicks podcast. I've not heard of her.
My apologies, l Rachel Hollis.All right, so you were on this
podcast and you posted the clip whereit's like you're talking about how like you

(12:58):
know, right before you're about togo on stage and you look up and
you see the name of the arenawhatever, and like it really kind of
hits you there and like, I'mreally gonna jo this because I may never
have this opportunity again. Like Idon't know. I told everybody. I'm
like, I don't know if I'mbecoming a chick or what. Like,
dude, I'm telling you, likeI'm not a person who gets like super
emotional on stuff, and like Ifelt that the first time that ever happened
to me. I don't know.I've been a cute awareness of, like

(13:22):
of reality. Do you know whenwhen a mom screams in a mall and
you realize something really bad has happenedthat scream, Yeah, I feel I
can. I have that feeling alot, like not the scream, but
the idea that this is very real. I remember I was doing for Birth
Conquer season two. I was goingto do an episode at Not's Very Farm
and I was in a town carand I had a very cute realization.

(13:43):
I was like, this may bethe last time I get to drive in
a town car, like you should. I should really appreciate this. So
I'm gonna be going back to thecomic where like I'm get picked up by
the manager. This is nice.I feel important, really drink it in
and I did, but I wasaware of it, and even with with
like when I got my man cave, I go, this might be the
greatest thing that ever happened to me. So like it's like, sit here
and enjoy it, and I keepdoing that. I keep doing that.

(14:05):
I did it with theaters, Idid it with sold out clubs, I
did it with standing ovations, whereyou this might be the last time the
arenas have really knocked me off myass, because it is an insane experience
to be squatted down, looking upand seeing all the Celtics jerseys up there
and know that there's nineteen thousand peoplein this place waiting for you and I,

(14:28):
and I am hyper aware that witharenas, you probably are only going
to do that once. Not alot of not a lot of comics other
than Joekoy do continuous arena tours.And with this movie. I was told
I when we went to shoot thismovie, I was the first night I
wasn't gonna drink and my producer Kalegoes, what are you doing? I
said, I think I'm gonna besober and yeah, he's like, that's

(14:52):
not who I hired. Because Ididn't hire sober skinny Bird. I hired
party fun Bert he goes. Hesaid to me, I can't probably see
this movie's gonna be good or Idon't know. We don't know that at
this point. What I can promiseyou is if you have a good time,
it'll show up on screen. Hesaid, Yeah, you gotta realize
this may be the only movie youever make in your life. So if
you're not enjoying every second, thenyou're doing it wrong. And I went,

(15:16):
because there's so many people that go, I'm in the movies. I'll
just this. This is the firstone I'll do. I can't wait to
tell you do my next one.I'm what happens. Yeah, I'm just
I'm like a and I don't meanthis in a branding way to try to
go on this blue collar call.I'm not. I'm a rage. I'll
tell you everything I think. Ithink horrible things, I think fancy things.
I just fluid to Austin private,So like, I'm not I'm not
trying to I'm not trying to.I'm not trying to and I'm not trying

(15:37):
to be a regular guy. I'mjust telling you for real, I fly
private. Look at him. Everytime I fly private, I take pictures.
Yeah. Yeah, And another comicgoes, yo, don't do that.
Don't do that. It alienates tome from your fans. I go
no, no, no, nono. That's what people do when they
get on a private jet. Yeah, they take pictures of everyone. Because
it may be the only time youget to do that. Absolutely, this
may be your one time in thismovie, this premiere. It may be

(16:00):
the only time that well, nowyou're gonna get me, You're gonna get
and you're gonna get me. Iguarantee. Maybe the only time that my
parents are both live. Yeah,every one in my family is healthy and
happy. No one has any drama. My daughters are still young enough to
not pay taxes on it in theirhead and just appreciate it. And this
may be the only time, andthis is my movie, this is my

(16:22):
story. Yeah, and maybe theonly time that people are listening to this
to go, dude, I knowthis guy. I love this guy.
I'm gonna go support him my nextmovie. They may be like, oh
he's changed or whatever. This isthe one where they go this guy is.
I've listened to him on the show. He's a real dude, he's
a real dad. I'm gonna gosupport him. This may be the only
time that happens for me. Soif I don't, if I don't sit
back and drink it in, thenI'm doing it wrong. I'm just doing

(16:44):
it wrong. Like that's what thewhole thing is is. And by the
way, you can micro that andthink that about life. I think it
about life. You're not guaranteed tomorrowat all, but we all think we
are. We all sit with thisthing like when you hear someone die,
you go who not me? Yeah, yeah, but it will be.
It will be, And you don'tknow when that's happening. Yeah, there's
one chance that you will die.There's one hundred percent chance. And if

(17:07):
you don't wake up every morning andgo, wow, I got today.
Tim Dillon once told me, hegoes, I was talking about being stressed
out, and he goes, whywould you ever be stressed out? Today's
your greatest day of your life.You're the most famous, you've ever been,
the most successful you've ever been.Your wife's the hottest she'll ever be
in the field. You're the mostattractive you've ever going to be in Your

(17:29):
kids aren't on drugs yet. Likehe broke it down and went, I'm
killing it today. I'm killing ittoday, So yeah, I am.
I will get emotional this weekend.I will have a blast. I'm going
to go surprise people at movie theaters. I'm going to do all that stuff
because it's the time that it's theonly time that it's going and if we're
talking about real life, if Iget to do any of them, this
is the first one is the oneI remember the most. Of course,

(17:52):
you always remember your first time headlining. I love that you brought up your
parents because you and I are wellI'm a little older than you. But
it's rules that they're still here.There's still lying and that is such a
big deal. We flying them outfirst class. That's awesome. And we've
got a party bus and my dad'sgonna my dad's gonna like, my dad's
gonna get high with Snoop. There'slike, there's so many things that are

(18:12):
positive right now, and you lookat the future and you look at things
it's like like, look at beneflexright I bet if you go what premiere
would you like to go back to? Out of all your premieres, you'd
be like, good, well,hunting good yeahah, he said. We
were young, we didn't know anything. Yeah, it was all new.
It was all brand new yep.And so I'm aware that this is my
brand newness. So I'm like,I'm drinking it in. That's why I'm

(18:33):
looking for a motorcycle I want tobuy. I want to get a motorcycle
to drive down the red car becausejust because why not, right, why
not? Why not ball out cigar, no shirt, harmonica in my back
pocket like the nineteen eighties movie starsused to do, just down the red
If you got a chopper out there, hit me up, I'll buy it.
I'm licensed for a motorcycle too.I swear. This is the mushy.

(18:56):
This is the mushiest that we're goingto be this this segment here when
you have the machine here, man, there can only be so much motionists,
but we love it when you comein here. Oh thank you.
It's Burt Kreischer, the Machine everybody. And now it's the Woody Show,
all right, welcome back everybody.Yeah, it is the Woody Show.

(19:17):
We got Burt Kreischer here the Machineand another chance to get on the guest
list for the big premiere tomorrow nightof his new movie The Machine that's tomorrow
at the Regency Village Theater. Andyou give you a chance to win every
hour now through ten am here thismorning on The Woody Show on All ninety
eighty seven. Dude, I gottatell you, like, I feel like

(19:38):
I've honestly gotten more perspective on thingsin my life from watching you, like
on on social media and whatnot,and you sharing this kind of vulnerability and
stuff like that that I have withany kind of therapy I've ever been to,
and I've been to I've been toa lot like that whole idea of
like really stopping to appreciate where youare and what you're doing and being in

(19:59):
that moment. I have a reallyhard time ever doing that, and I
can so I enjoy nothing really yeahyeah, so like and so I watch
guys like you, and I go, man, I gotta be more like
Burt. Oh, I really likekind of just enjoy the instead of instead
of just waiting for this shoe todrop and go like, WELLMGA, never
gonna do this again. It's becauseit make it a complete negative thing,
like, yes, this may neverhappen again, but I'm gonna enjoy this

(20:22):
right now. Oh. I wokeup yesterday and I said to myself,
I said, I get a textfrom some friends. Let's go day drinking.
Can we come over to your houseand have a drink. And I
was like, well, that's boring. Let's sparkle it up. Let's give
it a little razzle razzle dazz andI said what would be fun, Like,
let's go. My initial thought waslet's go see highlights. That's what
we do in Florida. And thenI was like, what about the dog

(20:42):
tracks? And then someone wrote SantNannita is thirty minutes away, and I
went and they go gates start atone, and we're like, yo,
everyone hit the treadmill. Everyone workout. Let's earn this and then let's
run out to Santa Nita and gowatch the ponies. Yes, And we
went out there and there were peopledressed up nice. They were like dressed
up in Sunday night and they weretaking pictures and I was like, dude,

(21:02):
they're living their life. And thenit was the coolest thing, and
we went out gambled. The food'sgood out there. It was. It's
beautiful. It's old school. It'sa throwback. You don't see buildings like
that anymore, where they're smoking insideeverything's outside. It was crazy, man,
But yeah, I try. Imean, I'm I'm also pretty regular.
Like I get frustrated. I tellthem in the car, I can

(21:23):
get into an argument with two people. I can. The other day I
had it. I had so I'mpromoting so much. I just heard one
comic in my head. In myhead, he's not a real he said,
can you believe? And then Ihad another comic agree with him,
and they were talking in my headabout what to sell out and how what
a phony I am, and thisthey hope my movie doesn't do well.

(21:45):
And then I got mad at bothof them, and then I'm like,
wait, this isn't real, andI'm getting a real emotion. Like what
my therapy would tell you is thatthat is your way of preparing for a
worst case scenario. I always havean exit strategy on everything. When I
go into interviews, I think ofthe question they're going to ask, did

(22:06):
I go that's be ready for thatone? Yeah, because I am.
I am always I am always exitstrategy. Dude, Yeah you got to.
I feel like you have to.Yeah, if you have fun,
yeah, dude, I have.I have so much fun in life that
when I at my funeral, I'mbummed and I'm not going to be there.
I know I'll be there, butyou'll be there, like I want
to. I want to fake mydeath just to go. Do you know

(22:27):
what I think it enhances your funthough? Is you make sure everyone else
has fun. Well. I wastrying to isolate that because I I do
that cooking show Something's Burning And someonesaid, do you like cooking? And
I said, no, no,but I like people liking it, Like
I like giving. I like thesocial I like taking care of someone I
love. Like I do this thingcalled ghost biting, Like I'm making my

(22:48):
daughter's breakfast sandwiches and then I'll go, hey, you like that, and
they're like, yeah great, Andwhen they take their first bite, as
the cook eating nothing in the air, I go, I just go,
and my daughters are like what he'sdoing, like as if he's eating he's
But that's the thing with That's whyI'm in comedy. Is I like to
make people happy. I like toI like to make people happy. I

(23:11):
like when people come over and andthen I can make them a drink.
I like making a nice like likea nice like I made salmon the other
day with this nice little like lemonmustard, garlic popping. I love cooking
steaks and cutting them up and seeingpeople go, oh those. I love
that energy of just entertaining people andmaking sure people are having a good time.
I'm not a cynic, like I'mnot the angry comic and I want

(23:34):
I tried for a second to bethe guy like what's up with that?
And I have those things, butI still go, that's not my energy.
My energy is positive. I wantit to be positive. Yeah,
it's infectious. It's the Machine,Bird Kreischer, Ladies and gentleman. The
universe has a way of leading youto where you're supposed to be. You're

(23:55):
supposed to be there the show,all right, welcome back everybody. Hey,
yeah, it is the what showwe got Bert Kreischer The Machine here,
of course, it's all been aboutthe Machine, his movie, which
is in theaters this weekend. Congratulationson that. Thank you. Get out
of the house this week and getout of the house and go disappear in

(24:15):
a movie theater. We spent moneyso that you can enjoy this in a
movie theater. It's it'll be worththe price of admission because it is a
high action comedy. That is,it is like a runaway train with Mark
Hamill, myself, a great crew. We have go ahead. What are
you gonna say? Now? Iwas gonna say, go see the movie
screen? Yeah, I read thatMartin Ford. Isn't it? How massive

(24:37):
is that dude? In person?Like I know people might not know the
name, but they've seen them online. Yeah, dude, it's like covered
in tats. He's six' eight sixeight massive, Jack like Jack? Did
you see his penis? Is ithuge? Well? You know Bert's big
on penises these days. Yeah,yeah, if you following on the idea

(24:59):
of the social media, he lovesshowing up. Yeah it was it is
it like proportions actually pretty regular,I guess, like compared to his Yeah.
I mean if you put that onmy body, I'd have a hog.
Yeah, he's not close to it. It's it's twelve inches. It
looks normal on him. His handsare massive us it's gonna be it was.

(25:25):
He showed me a picture of it. No, I'm sorry Martin.
We were we were I have apicture of my of my jokes that I
have photoshopped. How you know,it was like face tuned or something.
No, no, no, becausehe was showing it to me. He
was showing it to me from themorning. I think I took a picture
of said that's wife. I'm sorry, Martin rock Hard, and I was

(25:48):
like, I was like, nice, man, nice, nice gras Like
what are you saying, Hey,man, I won't to see my penis.
They show it to you. It'sfunny, that's cool man. Nice.
Yeah, but like it his ownlike, yeah, his own body.
It'll probably looks proportion. Yeah again, Yeah you think that, like
Shack's got a regular sized junk forhis body, which is ridiculously big.

(26:10):
Still right, but it's it's notsix inches, it's like twelve. But
yeah, he's also seven feet tall. It looks You're like, oh,
that's not that big. You're like, oh, it's still big. Speaking
of penises, I Greg reminded meI had a question for you because we
have a question out to our listeners, like a homework topic. It's a
National Masturbation Day on Sunday, andthe question is what is the oddest place

(26:33):
you've knocked one out. Now,you're a guy who's on the road a
lot, so I can only imaginegas stations something. Yeah. No,
no, no, the oddest placeyou've ever not, the oddest place,
for real is in the ocean.In the ocean that Yeah, it was.
We were young and I was hookingup with the chick and it kind
of just stopped. Yeah, AndI was like cool, she's like coming

(26:56):
on my head out with my friends. I was like awesome. She left
and I was like cool, andI was like I'm not done. Yeah.
Yeah. You ever get to theplace where you're so horny your body's
shaking, Yeah, you're shaking yourvibrating, and so I just and and
we were young. I was ina bathing suit and I just was like,
oh, take care of this realquick. Got off the chesty water.
Yeah, banged one out, watchedthe moon. Now, was this

(27:18):
in Florida? Yeah, it wasin Florida, oce Okay, see I
did this in a tropical location towhere the water is so clear you can
see all the little angel fish goingby. Let's just let's just say that
the angelfish thought they were being fed. And then I got really excited and
that's how they got the Little Mermaid. Now yeah, and I was like,
oh, now my wife was withme, So my my wife is

(27:41):
what made this happen. And shewas so grossed out immediately, as was
I of course, but it wasa fun experience. I had. One
one of the funnier ones is wewere talking about soft water, me and
Tom. Yeah, and he waslike. I was like, yeah,
dude, soft water is creepy becauseit's so soft, it's so slippery.
I said, I banged one outby myself, or actually I wouldn't even

(28:03):
by myself. I was with mywife. We were in the shower and
I was like, yo, feelit, and then I was playing around
and then I just was like isit cool if I do this? And
she's like, it's better that youdo it than I do it. And
he goes, that's so crazy.Where were you? And I go,
I have no idea someone who hassoft water, yet I don't know where
we were. And he goes,I have soft water, and I'm like,
we were at your house. Wewere at his house and his house

(28:25):
very soft water. Yeah. Howis Tom? He's good? Is he
going to be at the premiere?No? What are you serious he's got
a book signing. I think heis not going to be a year premiere.
He's not going to be my premiere. It's been a it's been a
big thing. It's been a bigthing. It's been a big thing.

(28:45):
He I think he was planning oncoming and then he has a book premiere
that he can't get out of andor put book. His books going into
paperback and he's got a signing inAustin and it's trust me, it's been
a big thing because I think hefeels I know he feels horrible. Uh
Lee, and it was it's beena big thing. Wow, that's a
real bummer man. Yeah, Iknow, I know, I definitely want
I'm there. I didn't know that. I wouldn't have brought it up.

(29:07):
I don't know. I mean peopleare going to notice it well, and
it's also something that people are goingto notice and then probably bring up online.
So you're like you, I knowit's not the same, but you
know we'll be there. Yeah,we'll be there. I mean, you
know you guys are gonna be there. Yeah, you guys are my new
best friends. Hey, so whenthis movie comes out, don't become like
Joe Cloy, don't become like sucha big deal where you forget who your

(29:30):
friends are. He did he Oh, yeah, yeah, anythink I hear
from Joe anymore? No? No, No, I don't hear from Joe
anymore. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I mean like Joe like sends people
to bring swag to us. Yeah. And then I mean everyone was when
I got all emotional and watching thatclip from Rachel Hollis. Yeah, I

(29:53):
did send you a text and younever responded to it. And I really
put myself out there too. I'llread it to you. I'll write to
so you can feel really bad aboutit. Are you gonna find it?
I want you to feel terrible aboutit. Yeah, I'm like man,
I thought, Bert responded, holdOn, I definitely responded to it.

(30:14):
Nope, I thought I have itright here. Hold On, you responded
to your response, and then Iresponded to your response. No, I
text you. I said, thisis awesome. I'm so happy for you.
I'm proud of you. You deserveall of it. Thank you so
much for being the person you are. And then you send a clip.

(30:34):
Yeah that's the reference what I justwatched, and then you wrote that was
that was three days later, Bert, and Okay, my d ms have
been yeah, absolutely in. Mytexts have been insane lately. And I'm
really bad at replying to people.You're going to get anxiety, you know,
So I mean a secret time.Let me make sure the mics are

(30:56):
really hot. So the lady youmet in there. But yeah, like
I'm not good. I get nervousreplying to people, like I don't know
what to say. So like wewere sitting in the car one time and
I had a text from like afamous person, and I was like,
what am I supposed to say?And then Victoria is like young, attractive
into social media, she knows,but she's more like a text She grew

(31:18):
up texting. She just goes givingthe phone and then sends an emoji and
it's like there, I go,you did this so quick? She goes,
yeah, you don't need to getinto it, and I went,
can you just do all my dmsnethe A list celebrities that she texts with.
You know who she was texting withthis morning, Brooks Koepka just won
the PGA champ. Yeah, she'stexting with them from my phone like it's

(31:41):
me and it made it so cool. I mean like, I love when
she's me because it's she's so muchbetter at being me. What you're saying
is, I got blown up bytwo people. She was at a wedding.
She was at a wedding, andmy oria. Yeah, I'm just
thinking. I get nervous replying topeople in text Like Rogan. You know

(32:06):
how stressful it is when he textsyou and then he texts you this thing
of this thing that maybe you don'tfind funny, he does and then you're
like, great one, Yeah,those vaccines do horrible. I'm joking about
about Joe. Joe still a greatguy to us and super kind, and
I can't imagine like two people whoare you know, still as genuine now

(32:29):
as they were before they had theirown movies about their lives. I am
super happy for you. I'm megaproud of you and thank you for being
you. Like I do. Lookto you and I go, man,
I need to be more, notall the way because you're a little crazy,
little I gotta be more like thatguy. Yeah, I'm throwing up
in my throat in the middle ofthe night, breathing into my lungs just

(32:51):
like me. It's the machine.Everybody Bert you'll see this movie even she
in theaters this weekend. Also,his stand up special is fifth one Razzle
Dazzle. It's on Netflix. He'sgot his Tops Off World tour, but
you can find tickets for that BertBertburt dot com and of course the Uh

(33:12):
The Burt Cast, Two Bears,One Cave is a YouTube cooking show,
Something's Burning. You can find allof those. It's always awesome to see
you, man. Thank you guys. You guys are like family to me
and I swear to God thank youso much for your support. It's not
lost on me. You know thatit's not lost on now. You're the
best, and we're looking forward tomorrow. Man, it's gonna be fun.
Let's hanging out of the park.Let's get once more what he shows next?

(33:37):
Hang on more shows show next,