Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, and welcome to the weekly show here at iHeartRadio
on one three nine Light FM, one All three, five
Kids FM, and Rock ninety five to five. I'm Paulina,
and every week we're here to discuss a variety of
topics that matter to Chicagoland, from health, education, to finances
and so much more. Today on the show, we're chatting
with Pamela Wilson, a well renowned caregiving expert. We're also
talking too Far Newstarabie personal finance expert, talking all about
(00:22):
tech seasons. Let's kick off the show.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
It's a difficult situation many of us have dealt with,
many of us are dealing with, or many of us
will deal with caring for our aging parents, grandparents, other
loved ones and all the questions and difficulties that come
with them. Let's bring in an expert to discuss some
of those issues. Pamela Wilson is a well renowned caregiving
(00:45):
expert involved in aging caregiving in the health fields for
more than two decades. Her website is Pamela Dwilson dot com. Pamela,
I appreciate the.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
Time, my pleasure.
Speaker 4 (00:57):
Let me start off with this.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Because it's often one of these two key issues where
we first find ourselves confronting our aging parents, either having
to have that talk with a loved one about taking
away their car keys, or having that even more difficult
conversation about the fact that they are no longer able
to live on their own.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
It's so difficult. You know, a lot of parents may
see this coming, and a lot of times what they
worry is, you know, people telling them that they're failing. Right,
you can't drive anymore, you can't live alone. And so
when kids approach it, it's really approaching it from a
position of Hey, mom and dad, I'm noticing these things
are happening. Do you think you need any help. We'll
(01:38):
start asking questions before you start telling, because once you
start telling, they can shut down and then really become
in a place where they're refusing and they're digging in
their heels and they're saying, you know, I'm not leaving
this house, you know, unless I'm on my two feet.
Speaker 4 (01:51):
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
So what are the best ways to approach that conversation
so it isn't confrontational.
Speaker 3 (01:56):
For example, so it would be hey, mom or dad,
I'm noticing that you need a little help around the house.
Can I help, what what might we be able to
do together? So you kind of make it a you know,
we're doing this and I'm noticing it, but are you
noticing the same thing? You know, I want to make
sure that you know you have the help that you need.
You also could start with a story, say hey, mom
or dad, you know my friend, Oh my gosh, you
(02:17):
know this happened with their mom and dad, and oh
what a nightmare.
Speaker 5 (02:20):
You know.
Speaker 3 (02:21):
I'd like to know what you want to do about
your your health or about this issue. Can you tell me?
Speaker 2 (02:26):
It's one of the difficult things because not only are
you having to all of a sudden kind of switch roles, right,
all of a sudden, you're the caregiver to the parent
that has always been your caregiver, but you almost have
to one up them in terms of saying no, this
is the way we're going to go with they refuse.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
Well, you know, one upping sometimes works, sometimes doesn't work
I always. So here's what we don't see. So it's
a caregiver. We're stressed out right, We're saying, oh my gosh,
our parents need all this, it's going to take time.
But what we don't see is what our parents are
going through right, They're losing their health. They can't you know,
they can't stand up out of a chair. They're worried
about all these things. They're stressed and anxious. They don't
(03:05):
want to tell the kids because they think the kids
are going to take over. So it's really both sides.
Coming in heavy handed as a child usually does not work.
You've got to have some degree of empathy and some
compassion and say, well, what's going on with you? How
do you feel about this?
Speaker 6 (03:19):
Right?
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Gosh, it must be really hard to be old and
not be able to do all the things you used
to be able to do. Tell me about that.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
And I guess there's two different approaches also depending on
if a parent is beginning to fail mentally or if
a parent is beginning to fail physically, Because if it's physical,
then they probably are starting to understand they need more help.
If it's mental, they might not realize.
Speaker 4 (03:39):
It at that point.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
The mental is really really hard because parents and sometimes
kids don't even catch it right. Parents can hide a
lot of things that the kids don't see them very often.
But if you are a child and you are noticing
that your parent is forgetful, what you want to just say,
is hey, let's go to the doctor, because maybe it
could be you know, maybe a medication you're taking is
causing this giftfulness. You know, until we really know, we
(04:02):
don't know how to help you. So you don't say, hey,
you've got Alzheimer's or demensions, right, you say, let's go
figure out what's going on. Let's go see the doctor.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Approaching it from the caregivers standpoint, which I know is
part of your expertise, getting to that point where you're
realizing that you need to have that conversation. The amount
of stress that that has to set off on people
realizing what they're probably about to undergo in terms of
beginning to take care of their parents. How how do
(04:33):
you prepare yourself mentally to become a caregiver?
Speaker 3 (04:38):
So for that, and let's just assume it's a family situation.
Hopefully you have siblings right that you're talking to about this, saying, hey,
you know, your dads seem to like, you know, be
starting to need help. Talk amongst your siblings and say, okay,
what can we all do? You know if I can
you know, stop over on Saturdays and you live in town,
can you come over on Monday, right, So you kind
of talk amongst the siblings even see if you have
(05:00):
any support, because if you don't, that's going to raise
your stress level. Yeah, you know, if the siblings are saying, hey,
we can help, then you go to your parents and
you present it. But if it really is only you
to manage your stress, you've got to have a plan
to talk to your parents and not just like a conversation,
but mom or dad, let's create a plan. Where do
you want to live, who do you want to be
(05:21):
your caregiver? How much money do you have? So you
got to look at this as a kind of almost
as like a business plan if you work. A lot
of people at work have a business plan and you
have goals. So what are the goals for your parents?
How are they going to pay for it? Are they
going to stay home or are they going to have caregivers?
You've got to kind of approach it from a bigger picture,
more factual place that can lower your emotions and your anxiety.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
It almost feels like that's a conversation we need to
have long before we get to the point where we
need to implement it though, kind of like having a
living will or something like that, which would so many
of us don't even have until it's too late.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
In a perfect world, these conversations would happen today before
anything happens, there's no emotion attached to it. But the
problem is we're so busy we don't have time. Something happens,
and then we react to it, right then we're emotional.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
We're speaking with Pamela Wilson, well renowned caregiving expert involved
in the aging, caregiving and health fields for more than
two decades. Her website is Pamela Dwilson dot com. What
about preparing, for example, for you know, we have all
sorts of different transportation options these days. People could take
you know, service vans to visit their doctors, they could
(06:29):
take ubers, things like that. But when you're talking about
putting your parent in long term care, for example, somewhere
where there are going to have maybe if they're living
independently but surrounded by the care they need, that's a
completely different conversation, And especially when you look at it
from a financial standpoint.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Isn't it well it is. I mean most people can
even afford assisted living, you know, I mean assisted living
depending on where you are, could be three to five
to seven thousand dollars a month, which is why you've
got to have these conversations. I say at least five
years before the need, because if you have to plan
for state medicaid, there's a five year look back period.
You have to make sure money is being spent appropriately.
(07:06):
Places that take Medicaid have long waiting lists. You may
have a two year wit to get in and they
may want you to pay for two years privately before
they accept you. So these are really conversations that cannot wait.
If you want to have choices, what are.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
The good rules of thumb?
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Then if you're looking for these kinds of places for
your parent, and ideally if you're doing it together with
your parent for the future.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
So rule of thumb is can you pay or not pay?
That's the first question. If you cannot pay, then you're
looking at state Medicaid. You better investigate the Medicaid program,
what the application process is like, what the time is.
Then you're looking at places that accept Medicaid, which are
even fewer. Then you may have to get your parent
on the weightlift. Now, if there's money, that's a whole
different issue because then you start saying, okay, what part
(07:49):
of town do you want to live in, what services
do you need? Let's go look at these places, Let's
have lunch, Let's see what they offer, Let's look at
their charges, and then let's make a decision about what's
the best place that you know you want to go
live at.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Are these options that, for example, Medicare would cover Is
it only when you don't when you can't afford it
at all and you have to turn to medicaid?
Speaker 3 (08:06):
Medicare does not cover it. Now if you have long
term care insurance, which is an optional benefit, that can
cover it, but no. Basically, if you're going to live
in a care community, you pay for it privately or
you spend down to a Medicaid level.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
What about preparing your parent for those financial commitments that
may have to come that you, as a caregiver may
have to take over for them, whether or not they're
living in an assisted living facility or still independently on
their own.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
That's why you want to have the conversations early. You know,
sometimes parents don't want to tell kids if they have
money or not, or what they have. So that's the
case where you engage some independent person like me who's
you know, your parents will talk to because it's confidential,
But you really have to find out, mom and dad,
how much money do you have? This is what care costs.
You know, in home care is fifty dollars an hour,
a care community is five thousand dollars a month. We
(08:54):
need to know what money you have so we can
make a plan, and so we know if we have
to help you or not. Now, kids always think, well,
I've got it. You know, I've got to pay for
my parents' care. No, you don't. You can investigate medicaid
and put your parents on medicaid, but you need the
time to plan. So again it goes back to have
the conversations today before. You need to have the conversation.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
If it is preemptive, as you're suggesting, obviously makes the
most sense. How do you go about doing that because,
for example, like death planning, it's not some it's not
a conversation many of us want to have, and the
parents might not want to even consider that two years,
five years down the line they're going to have to
turn to assistance or not be independent anymore.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
Well, it's a realistic conversation because mom and dad, we're
all going to get there, you know, you're just going
to get there sooner than I am. And by the way,
I'm making my plan. So doesn't it make sense that
we all plan at the same time. Take it off
your parents and put it on yourself.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
What about one of the issues that we're seeing so
often more and more of these days and younger people
because of social media, but in older Americans as well,
and the lonely this epidemic it's called.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
Yes, isolation and loneliness actually contribute to dementia and more anxiety.
So there's benefits to you know, having family nearby. There's
benefits too if your parents can still drive and socialize.
But again it depends on were they social throughout their life.
So I mean, you may have a parent who didn't
want to be with anybody right and they're alone and
(10:22):
they're happy. Or you have parents who used to go
out and socialize and now they can't drive. So in
those situations, can you, you know, send them an uber
to go to the senior center or take them out
for dinner or get them together with their friends. So
in a sense, you kind of as a child, become
their social director.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
I kind of realize as a parent, we have a
lot more information now than we did when I was
a kid when my parents were raising me, more information
then than we had when my grandparents were raising my parents.
But the older we get, the more stuck in our
ways we are. How do you have those conversations with
your parents? They're said in their ways, but we now
(11:01):
have more information to be able to take care of them.
The need for a healthier lifestyle as you age to
protect you from needing these different things. That's another difficult
conversation as well.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Well, they're all difficult conversations, and it's because we in
the United States are not a preventive society, and insurance
companies don't get paid for people being healthy, right, so
there are no conversations. So if you're talking about prevention
with your parents, the question is were they preventative all
their life? You're probably not going to change a habit
if they weren't. But if you talk about the consequences, well,
(11:33):
mom and dad, if you continue to do this, what
happens if you fall and you break a hip and
you end up in a nursing home. Sometimes they are
just going to dig in their heels and they're not
going to listen, and that's when you wait for the
train wreck, and then unfortunately, you react to the train wreck,
which happens a lot. They broke their hip, they have
to go to a nursing home. There's no choice.
Speaker 4 (11:51):
For a lot of people.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
It's either the first option or the last option would
be to take a parent into their own homes, because
that creates entirely new stressors the older they get, or
they have health issues in your own relationship with your spouse.
Talk to me about that and the things to consider
when making that decision.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
You're going to make that decision, make a contract and
put it in writing. And the reason I say that
is it's almost like a pre marital contract because you
don't know how it's going to work out. If they
work out great, you may have no worries. It may
be your worst nightmare. So mom or dad, we're going
to agree to this. We're going to agree on a
trial of one month or two months. We're going to
see how it works out. If it works out great,
(12:32):
If it doesn't work out, then we have to look
at other options. And these are the other options, and
then you can put specifications, like you know, our kids
have their friends over, is that going to be a problem.
For you or you know, we know that you like
to eat certain things. How are we going to accommodate that.
You really have to look at it like you're marrying
your parents and what are all the day to day
issues that could come up and be proactive about talking
(12:53):
about those so that they don't become a problem.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Boundaries and barriers, I imagine are a key part of
that negotiation.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
Are they not?
Speaker 3 (13:01):
Very much? So?
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Yeah, If you had to give one piece of advice
to somebody who is probably preparing to have that conversation
with their parent because they know the moment is coming,
what would that one piece of advice be.
Speaker 3 (13:12):
Try to be very compassionate and do your research up front,
so you don't want to go in and tell your
parents you know all these things are going wrong and
they have to make changees. You want to go in
and say, hey, you know what, I did some research.
I see you're having these problems. Let's talk about all
these options and see what you think. You've got to
be prepared for the worst and have information to present
(13:33):
so that the conversation can continue. If if you don't
get word you want in the first conversation, and you
probably won't It's probably going to be a series of conversations.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
And I think the most important part of all of
this is do do this have these conversations preemptively so
when you need to implement them, you're ready and both
sides know what they can expect.
Speaker 3 (13:51):
Yes, and you're not scrambling and you're not making decisions
under pressure.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Pamela Wilson well renowned caregiving expert involved in aging, caregiving
and the health fields for more than two decades. Her
website is Pamela Dwilson dot com. That's Pamela d Wilson
dot com. Pam really appreciate your time. Thanks so much
for joining us.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
Thank you, Manny, I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
Us. Hi, It's Pauline here with iHeartMedia Chicago Community Affairs
and today I am chatting with for a nows to Robbie,
one of America's leading personal finance experts. How are you today?
Speaker 5 (14:22):
I'm wonderful, Thanks for having me, of.
Speaker 4 (14:24):
Course, thank you.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
I know you're super busy. You know you are obviously
hosting the award winning podcast So Money. We see you
on you know, Good Morning America. We see you everywhere,
and I'm so grateful and happy that you're here chatting
with us in Chicago because we've got questions.
Speaker 6 (14:39):
For you today.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Well, I'm ready, Yes, I love it so my you know,
first question would be, with the text deadline approaching on
April fifteenth, what tips do you have for those who
have yet to start their taxes and they want to
ensure a maximum refund?
Speaker 5 (14:54):
I know, this is my love letter to all the
procrastinators out there. You know, take advantage of the weeks
that remain. You know, I think that the earlier you start,
the more chances you have of actually finishing a return
that is completely optimized, meaning you're going to get the biggest,
baddest refund, and we want that for everybody. We want
(15:15):
to make sure that you're taking this time to get organized,
get your financial documents together, and you know, all the
basics like your ID and your statements from your banks.
This is all really important information to have so that
you can easily, once you sit down, easily file your taxes.
Speaker 6 (15:34):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
Absolutely, And I love that you said to the procrastinators,
because I am one in life. Yes, with my taxes.
I don't know why I'm always the first one there,
like opening day, I'm there day one.
Speaker 5 (15:45):
Because you know the benefit of getting that return early,
because here's the thing, the earlier you file, and you
know if you are getting a refund, the faster you'll
get it.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Probably one. No, that's very true. And what about as
far as the DIY tax softwares, you know that we
could use. What are some of the advantages to using those?
Speaker 5 (16:06):
Well, first of all, we love a good DIY tax
prep platform just because it puts us really in the
in control of our returns. I mean, we are the
ones who are closest to our money, closest to our expenses,
and so it's if we're doing it, it's most likely
that we're not going to overlook a credit or a deduction.
And I've actually partnered with tax Act, which is a
(16:27):
DIY tax prep software, and you know, we all understand
that tax doing our taxes is not the funnest thing.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
In the world.
Speaker 5 (16:35):
But you know what they've provided consumers there on their
website is a streamless sorry, a streamlined seamless. It's too
early to be doing all these almost alliteration in the morning,
but it's allowing us to really simplify the tax return process.
And you know, I think again, more and more people
(16:55):
are turning to DIY tax prep provider. So it's kind
of like meeting the market where it's at. And again,
I do think that when you do it yourself, you
have are a better likelihood, a better chance of doing
a return that is optimized.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Absolutely, no, I completely agree. And what about the common mistakes?
Anotherre has to be a couple. Do you see a couple?
Speaker 6 (17:20):
You're nice?
Speaker 3 (17:21):
So there's so many mistakes.
Speaker 5 (17:23):
I mean everything from a simple mistake like a misspelling,
to an address being wrong, to you know, overlooking a
major deduction or a credit because again we waited too long.
And I think what the thing is when you wait
too long and that's another mistake. What it what it
sort of leads to is this frantic process of doing
(17:45):
your taxes. And I mean whether you're doing your taxes
or something else, like doing something in that moment of
like duress is never good. You know, the outcome is
never going to be as great as it could be.
So you know, again, simple mistakes. And the thing about
when you make a mistake on your tax return is
that then the return gets returned and now you have
(18:07):
to file an addendum or you know, do it again,
and everything gets delayed. Including potentially that refund that you
were hoping to get.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
And exactly, and that's also why it's super important to
not procrastinate, to not wait until you know the last
very second if possible, obviously, and then it sounds too
like people just need to pay attention a little bit.
And I'm guilty of that, you know, because I also
got married and you know, different name change. I'm like,
oh boy, so I again.
Speaker 5 (18:34):
You want to hear a funny story, Paul. You know
when I got married, I've been married twelve years, but
the first year I got married, I forgot to put
married on my tax return. You know, you have an
option if you're filing single, you're filing married. And I
was that person who got their tax return returned.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
Wow.
Speaker 5 (18:53):
Yeah, that was embarrassing. Whow happened to the best of us?
What can I say?
Speaker 4 (18:58):
Exactly?
Speaker 1 (18:58):
I'm it can happen. I we can see that, but awesome,
I'd love to hear this. And then where can we
turn to help?
Speaker 6 (19:05):
Right?
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Where can filers turn for help if they do have
any questions?
Speaker 5 (19:08):
Well, again, I've partnered with tax act dot Com. I
really believe in their mission. And if you have any
questions or want to look into it. Go to tax
act dot com.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
I love that and where can we go to learn more?
One more time?
Speaker 5 (19:21):
That's taxact dot com. Thanks for having.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
Me, Fire News. You're the best. Thank you so much
for being here today. Thank you awesome, Thank you.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
They say that knowledge is power. That's true no matter
what you're talking about, but especially if you're trying to
raise awareness about important issues affecting our communities, our country,
and our world. Along those lines, it's bringing someone to
discuss one of those issues domestic violence, sexual assault, issues
that stunningly affect one in three women globally. More important
(19:51):
the effort to end those things in our society. Jane
Randall is co founder of No More. You can find
out more about the group at No More. Jane, thanks
for sharing some time with us.
Speaker 6 (20:03):
Thank you, thanks for being here.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
I'm being here, Thanks for having me, Thanks thanks for
sharing the time. Let me start off by asking about
no More the idea to begin this group to bring
attention to those issues of domestic violence and sexual assault.
Speaker 4 (20:17):
How did it begin? Where did it come from?
Speaker 6 (20:21):
It came from the brain of me and my co founder.
I had been doing work in the corporate sector on
this and realized that what domestic and sexual violence were
really facing was a marketing issue, meaning other issues diseases,
breast cancer, drunk driving, other things had sort of bigger
(20:45):
marketing campaigns around them that helped drive awareness, but this
issue in particular was so hard for people to talk about,
especially then this was formed. You know, I started this
about fifteen years ago, so you can imagine it really
really changed dramatically since then. And we got together all
the domestic and sexual violence organizations and national organizations and
(21:06):
came together and said we want to do this, and
worked with them to create the symbol and the message
of no More, and then we've been running it since.
Speaker 4 (21:14):
The numbers are pretty stunning.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
I mean they vary from group to group, but twelve
million Americans affected one way or another by domestic violence
sexual assault. Forty one percent of women twenty six percent
of men have experienced sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking
by an intimate partner during their lifetime. Why do you
(21:38):
think this issue wasn't getting the attention of some of
the others, As you mentioned, I think it makes people.
Speaker 6 (21:45):
I know, it makes people very uncomfortable. We live in
a society where we're sort of taught to mind their
own business and not get involved, and you know that
is changing a bit. But there's all sorts of stories
of people, you know, hearing things going on next door
and not saying anything. There's a very famous PSA of
(22:07):
a couple in bed and they are hearing all this
noise and fighting and crashing from next door, and you
see the guy reach over and you think he's going
to pick up the phone, and he just turns out
the light. And so these issues need to be normalized.
We need to normalize this conversation, which we've come a
long way about it. But if you want to stop
(22:28):
domestic in sexual violence, you need to start young, and
you need to start educating kids. And the best people
do that aside from schools, are parents or people who
are important in their lives. So we really want to
get the message out around that.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
Well, let's talk about some of those challenges that you
found in combating that.
Speaker 4 (22:48):
I don't know about it.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
Fear is the right word, but the lack of people
wanting to take a stand and address these issues, you know.
Speaker 6 (22:57):
It steers a good word actually, and just discomfort it.
First of all, anytime you have something with sex in it,
it makes people uncomfortable. I know that sounds ridiculous when
you talk about sexual violence, but you know, I took
this on. This is an issue in my company that
my company had taken on years many years ago, and
Corporate America has played a big role in a lot
(23:18):
of ways on domestic and sexual violence awareness and education.
But it doesn't change the fact that we as a
society from the ground up, need to be more comfortable
talking about these issues. Be more comfortable approaching a colleague
that you think maybe in an abusive relationship, a friend,
a neighbor. You know, we're all so afraid that someone's
(23:40):
going to get mad at us, or that we're going
to be embarrassed right like you're and we're going to
just feel we're just going to feel humiliated by even
approaching someone, So we don't And you know, there's lots
of ways to approach people that will not make them
feel on the defensive, not put you on, you know,
make you feel uncomfortab and just show that you care.
(24:01):
There's all sorts of stories of I just remember this
one story of a woman who was experiencing domestic violence,
and you can it's sometimes it's very evident in the
workplace if someone is dealing with that at home, And
she said someone her supervisor or someone stopped her and
just asked her, how are you, but like, very genuinely,
not of passing how you're doing it? How are you?
(24:24):
And she didn't respond, but she said later that it
meant someone cared and that was enough for her. And
people who are in abusive relationships in particular are often
very isolated. That's one way that the abuser gains that
power and control. And so if you are isolated from
(24:44):
family and friends and colleagues and someone's constantly putting you
down and constantly telling you you're worthless and stupid and
all of those horrific things, you begin to believe it.
You believe it because you have nobody else who's going
to tell you differently.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
Yeah, and I always say, you never really know what
is going on because between those four walls, I mean,
we hear about it all the time in the news
that were the perfect family. I never would have imagined
this happening to them. So it's kind of hard to
figure this. So how do you get past that? How
do you make people realize that we're all you know,
we're all fathers. We're all sons, we all have mothers
(25:18):
and daughters and sisters and people that we love.
Speaker 4 (25:21):
That could be affected by this.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
How do we get past that hesitancy to actually reach
out and see if somebody is okay, somebody is being
affected by these issues, doing exactly.
Speaker 6 (25:33):
What we're doing right now, having conversations, having public discussion
about it. I am a huge fan of educating kids
from the time they're little, not obviously about domestic and
sexual violence per se, but about creating boundaries and friendship
in their friendships, respect, conflict resolution, teaching kids early what
(25:57):
they can want and expect in real life relationship. And
if you can do that broadly, then you create people
who want who are reaching towards healthy relationships. I also
think that talking about healthy relationships as opposed to sort
of the darkness and the worst part of everything allows
(26:17):
people to accept the information better. It's less scary, maybe
it feels less judgmental. And so it's doing a lot
of that, and there's a lot of educations, a lot
of different organizations along with no more that work to educate,
you know, from kids through high school, college and beyond
(26:37):
around healthy relationships and what that looks like and then
also help you you sort of raise it, but then
also teaching about healthy manhood and what that looks. A
Call to Men is an ally organization of ours, and
they spend a lot of time talking about healthy manhood,
what that means and what it doesn't mean, and it's
(26:59):
really I've had the privilege of watching them through their
sessions and it's been amazing to watch sort of people
in the audience like get it, you know, like wait
a minute, yeah, you know, I'm allowed to feel fear,
I'm allowed to feel anger, and I'm allowed to feel
sad Like all of these feelings are okay. They don't
(27:20):
all have to be child into anger. Right, you can
be angry, but sometimes a lot of times anger is
fear or sadness.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
It's okay on many different levels, isn't it. It's okay.
Speaker 6 (27:31):
Yes, it's okay to feel and that's really for men
and and then you know, but it is very much
with no more. You know. One thing that is special
about us, frankly is that we're global, and there aren't
that many. In fact, there aren't any global domestic and
sexual violence organizations, and that is huge because we have
(27:52):
chapters in you know, Cameroon and Ecuador and all these
different places around the world and growing, and certainly the
UK says no More, Australia says no More. And that's
the no More. The no More slogan, the no More image,
the no More symbol was created to allow people to
(28:13):
rally around it. It was created as an open source
branding programs, right, so that you know, we'll we'll create
the equity, we'll do a lot of the work, but
anybody can use it. I remember taking one of my
kids around to look at collegism. I would just see
no More programs on campuses that I didn't know were there. Yeah,
that's pretty cool. The other thing, just one one last
(28:36):
thing quick. We also have a global directory, so it's
the only global directory in the world that is a
directory of all domestic and sexual violence organizations around the world,
so that if you're somewhere, if someone's when of your
listeners is traveling and god hopefully they don't need it,
but if they need information, they can go to find them.
Go to no More dot org and find the directory
and get some help.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
A few more minutes here with Jane Randell Cole, founder
of No More, you can find out more about the
group at no More dot org. How do you measure
or can you measure the effectiveness of these campaigns, these initiatives,
these public service announcements that you make.
Speaker 6 (29:14):
You know, metrics are always really hard, especially when you're
talking about you know, sort of soft stuff right like
it's you know, messaging like this as opposed to an
ad where you can really tell, you know, cricks or
how many people buy the product. You know, It's very
interesting because for years people would say, you know, so
(29:34):
you're doing all this work, and you know, are the
numbers going down? And the truth is that when you
have an incident or when you do a big campaign,
what you see or are numbers of calls to hotlines
going up because it's giving people permission, making them aware
that they're not you know again at the services and
not alone. There's people out there to help them. So
(29:56):
that's always sort of this weird thing that people are like, oh, oh,
you know, you're doing all this work, it must be
going down, right and sure not. But but what shows
actually is more people reaching out for help, which is
what we want. But we really are very focused on prevention.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
Do you find that it's a cultural thing. Do you
find that in countries where women are respected more there
is a lower incidence of domestic violence and sexual assault
because it almost feels like it's a cultural thing here
in our country where it's always been, you know, the
woman was the homemaker and she was, you know, there
(30:34):
to take care of the man and the whole machismo thing,
and obviously that's changed over the generations. We don't look
at it the same way. And lord knows, I couldn't
even attempt to do with the things that my wife
or my mother has done and raising our families and
running the households. But there was a long time where
we didn't have the same respect for women in our
country that.
Speaker 4 (30:53):
We did for men.
Speaker 6 (30:54):
You know, that's a really interesting question, and there are
definitely many, many different cold norms in different ways that
different countries approach these issues. But the truth is that
it happens to It can happen anywhere to anyone. It
happens at the highest economic threshold, that happens at the
(31:15):
lowest economic threshold. It may look different. There's lots of
different ways to perpetrate abuse. Is financial abuse where you whole,
even if the victim is making the money. This is
about power and control, right, So I can exert my power.
Maybe I'm not even to ma see any money, but
I can exert my power over my partner and prevent
them from spending money or channeling how they can spend money.
(31:39):
I can damage them at their work. Things like that.
And verbal abuse, So there may be and verbal abuse
is one of those that's really hard. People think, oh,
we get angry, but verbal abuse isn't about being angry
with each other, right, It's about arguing from You can argue.
Maybe that's your relationship. Maybe you just bicker and argue
and that's how you guys whoever you are related. But
are you arguing from from an equal playing field? Right?
(32:02):
Does one person have much more power in that relationship
than the other.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Jane Randell, co founder of No More. You can find
out more about the group and how you can help
or take part at nomore dot org. Jane really appreciate
the time, and I'm extremely appreciative for the effort and
everything you're trying to do.
Speaker 4 (32:20):
Best of luck, continued success.
Speaker 7 (32:22):
Thank you, thank you for the opportunity, thank you so
much for tuning in, and thank you for always listening
to the weekly show here on iHeartRadio and i Ney
three to nine, LM one three five, Kiss FM, and
Rock ninety five to five.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
If you want to listen to this episode or a
previous episode, you can find us on our free iHeartRadio
app and just search for the weekly show. See you
again next weekend.
Hello, and welcome to the weekly show here at iHeartRadio
on one three nine Light FM, one All three, five
Kids FM, and Rock ninety five to five. I'm Paulina,
and every week we're here to discuss a variety of
topics that matter to Chicagoland, from health, education, to finances
and so much more. Today on the show, we're chatting
with Pamela Wilson, a well renowned caregiving expert. We're also
talking too Far Newstarabie personal finance expert, talking all about
(00:22):
tech seasons. Let's kick off the show.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
It's a difficult situation many of us have dealt with,
many of us are dealing with, or many of us
will deal with caring for our aging parents, grandparents, other
loved ones and all the questions and difficulties that come
with them. Let's bring in an expert to discuss some
of those issues. Pamela Wilson is a well renowned caregiving
(00:45):
expert involved in aging caregiving in the health fields for
more than two decades. Her website is Pamela Dwilson dot com. Pamela,
I appreciate the.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
Time, my pleasure.
Speaker 4 (00:57):
Let me start off with this.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Because it's often one of these two key issues where
we first find ourselves confronting our aging parents, either having
to have that talk with a loved one about taking
away their car keys, or having that even more difficult
conversation about the fact that they are no longer able
to live on their own.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
It's so difficult. You know, a lot of parents may
see this coming, and a lot of times what they
worry is, you know, people telling them that they're failing. Right,
you can't drive anymore, you can't live alone. And so
when kids approach it, it's really approaching it from a
position of Hey, mom and dad, I'm noticing these things
are happening. Do you think you need any help. We'll
(01:38):
start asking questions before you start telling, because once you
start telling, they can shut down and then really become
in a place where they're refusing and they're digging in
their heels and they're saying, you know, I'm not leaving
this house, you know, unless I'm on my two feet.
Speaker 4 (01:51):
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
So what are the best ways to approach that conversation
so it isn't confrontational.
Speaker 3 (01:56):
For example, so it would be hey, mom or dad,
I'm noticing that you need a little help around the house.
Can I help, what what might we be able to
do together? So you kind of make it a you know,
we're doing this and I'm noticing it, but are you
noticing the same thing? You know, I want to make
sure that you know you have the help that you need.
You also could start with a story, say hey, mom
or dad, you know my friend, Oh my gosh, you
(02:17):
know this happened with their mom and dad, and oh
what a nightmare.
Speaker 5 (02:20):
You know.
Speaker 3 (02:21):
I'd like to know what you want to do about
your your health or about this issue. Can you tell me?
Speaker 2 (02:26):
It's one of the difficult things because not only are
you having to all of a sudden kind of switch roles, right,
all of a sudden, you're the caregiver to the parent
that has always been your caregiver, but you almost have
to one up them in terms of saying no, this
is the way we're going to go with they refuse.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
Well, you know, one upping sometimes works, sometimes doesn't work
I always. So here's what we don't see. So it's
a caregiver. We're stressed out right, We're saying, oh my gosh,
our parents need all this, it's going to take time.
But what we don't see is what our parents are
going through right, They're losing their health. They can't you know,
they can't stand up out of a chair. They're worried
about all these things. They're stressed and anxious. They don't
(03:05):
want to tell the kids because they think the kids
are going to take over. So it's really both sides.
Coming in heavy handed as a child usually does not work.
You've got to have some degree of empathy and some
compassion and say, well, what's going on with you? How
do you feel about this?
Speaker 6 (03:19):
Right?
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Gosh, it must be really hard to be old and
not be able to do all the things you used
to be able to do. Tell me about that.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
And I guess there's two different approaches also depending on
if a parent is beginning to fail mentally or if
a parent is beginning to fail physically, Because if it's physical,
then they probably are starting to understand they need more help.
If it's mental, they might not realize.
Speaker 4 (03:39):
It at that point.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
The mental is really really hard because parents and sometimes
kids don't even catch it right. Parents can hide a
lot of things that the kids don't see them very often.
But if you are a child and you are noticing
that your parent is forgetful, what you want to just say,
is hey, let's go to the doctor, because maybe it
could be you know, maybe a medication you're taking is
causing this giftfulness. You know, until we really know, we
(04:02):
don't know how to help you. So you don't say, hey,
you've got Alzheimer's or demensions, right, you say, let's go
figure out what's going on. Let's go see the doctor.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Approaching it from the caregivers standpoint, which I know is
part of your expertise, getting to that point where you're
realizing that you need to have that conversation. The amount
of stress that that has to set off on people
realizing what they're probably about to undergo in terms of
beginning to take care of their parents. How how do
(04:33):
you prepare yourself mentally to become a caregiver?
Speaker 3 (04:38):
So for that, and let's just assume it's a family situation.
Hopefully you have siblings right that you're talking to about this, saying, hey,
you know, your dads seem to like, you know, be
starting to need help. Talk amongst your siblings and say, okay,
what can we all do? You know if I can
you know, stop over on Saturdays and you live in town,
can you come over on Monday, right, So you kind
of talk amongst the siblings even see if you have
(05:00):
any support, because if you don't, that's going to raise
your stress level. Yeah, you know, if the siblings are saying, hey,
we can help, then you go to your parents and
you present it. But if it really is only you
to manage your stress, you've got to have a plan
to talk to your parents and not just like a conversation,
but mom or dad, let's create a plan. Where do
you want to live, who do you want to be
(05:21):
your caregiver? How much money do you have? So you
got to look at this as a kind of almost
as like a business plan if you work. A lot
of people at work have a business plan and you
have goals. So what are the goals for your parents?
How are they going to pay for it? Are they
going to stay home or are they going to have caregivers?
You've got to kind of approach it from a bigger picture,
more factual place that can lower your emotions and your anxiety.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
It almost feels like that's a conversation we need to
have long before we get to the point where we
need to implement it though, kind of like having a
living will or something like that, which would so many
of us don't even have until it's too late.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
In a perfect world, these conversations would happen today before
anything happens, there's no emotion attached to it. But the
problem is we're so busy we don't have time. Something happens,
and then we react to it, right then we're emotional.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
We're speaking with Pamela Wilson, well renowned caregiving expert involved
in the aging, caregiving and health fields for more than
two decades. Her website is Pamela Dwilson dot com. What
about preparing, for example, for you know, we have all
sorts of different transportation options these days. People could take
you know, service vans to visit their doctors, they could
(06:29):
take ubers, things like that. But when you're talking about
putting your parent in long term care, for example, somewhere
where there are going to have maybe if they're living
independently but surrounded by the care they need, that's a
completely different conversation, And especially when you look at it
from a financial standpoint.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Isn't it well it is. I mean most people can
even afford assisted living, you know, I mean assisted living
depending on where you are, could be three to five
to seven thousand dollars a month, which is why you've
got to have these conversations. I say at least five
years before the need, because if you have to plan
for state medicaid, there's a five year look back period.
You have to make sure money is being spent appropriately.
(07:06):
Places that take Medicaid have long waiting lists. You may
have a two year wit to get in and they
may want you to pay for two years privately before
they accept you. So these are really conversations that cannot wait.
If you want to have choices, what are.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
The good rules of thumb?
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Then if you're looking for these kinds of places for
your parent, and ideally if you're doing it together with
your parent for the future.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
So rule of thumb is can you pay or not pay?
That's the first question. If you cannot pay, then you're
looking at state Medicaid. You better investigate the Medicaid program,
what the application process is like, what the time is.
Then you're looking at places that accept Medicaid, which are
even fewer. Then you may have to get your parent
on the weightlift. Now, if there's money, that's a whole
different issue because then you start saying, okay, what part
(07:49):
of town do you want to live in, what services
do you need? Let's go look at these places, Let's
have lunch, Let's see what they offer, Let's look at
their charges, and then let's make a decision about what's
the best place that you know you want to go
live at.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Are these options that, for example, Medicare would cover Is
it only when you don't when you can't afford it
at all and you have to turn to medicaid?
Speaker 3 (08:06):
Medicare does not cover it. Now if you have long
term care insurance, which is an optional benefit, that can
cover it, but no. Basically, if you're going to live
in a care community, you pay for it privately or
you spend down to a Medicaid level.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
What about preparing your parent for those financial commitments that
may have to come that you, as a caregiver may
have to take over for them, whether or not they're
living in an assisted living facility or still independently on
their own.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
That's why you want to have the conversations early. You know,
sometimes parents don't want to tell kids if they have
money or not, or what they have. So that's the
case where you engage some independent person like me who's
you know, your parents will talk to because it's confidential,
But you really have to find out, mom and dad,
how much money do you have? This is what care costs.
You know, in home care is fifty dollars an hour,
a care community is five thousand dollars a month. We
(08:54):
need to know what money you have so we can
make a plan, and so we know if we have
to help you or not. Now, kids always think, well,
I've got it. You know, I've got to pay for
my parents' care. No, you don't. You can investigate medicaid
and put your parents on medicaid, but you need the
time to plan. So again it goes back to have
the conversations today before. You need to have the conversation.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
If it is preemptive, as you're suggesting, obviously makes the
most sense. How do you go about doing that because,
for example, like death planning, it's not some it's not
a conversation many of us want to have, and the
parents might not want to even consider that two years,
five years down the line they're going to have to
turn to assistance or not be independent anymore.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
Well, it's a realistic conversation because mom and dad, we're
all going to get there, you know, you're just going
to get there sooner than I am. And by the way,
I'm making my plan. So doesn't it make sense that
we all plan at the same time. Take it off
your parents and put it on yourself.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
What about one of the issues that we're seeing so
often more and more of these days and younger people
because of social media, but in older Americans as well,
and the lonely this epidemic it's called.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
Yes, isolation and loneliness actually contribute to dementia and more anxiety.
So there's benefits to you know, having family nearby. There's
benefits too if your parents can still drive and socialize.
But again it depends on were they social throughout their life.
So I mean, you may have a parent who didn't
want to be with anybody right and they're alone and
(10:22):
they're happy. Or you have parents who used to go
out and socialize and now they can't drive. So in
those situations, can you, you know, send them an uber
to go to the senior center or take them out
for dinner or get them together with their friends. So
in a sense, you kind of as a child, become
their social director.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
I kind of realize as a parent, we have a
lot more information now than we did when I was
a kid when my parents were raising me, more information
then than we had when my grandparents were raising my parents.
But the older we get, the more stuck in our
ways we are. How do you have those conversations with
your parents? They're said in their ways, but we now
(11:01):
have more information to be able to take care of them.
The need for a healthier lifestyle as you age to
protect you from needing these different things. That's another difficult
conversation as well.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Well, they're all difficult conversations, and it's because we in
the United States are not a preventive society, and insurance
companies don't get paid for people being healthy, right, so
there are no conversations. So if you're talking about prevention
with your parents, the question is were they preventative all
their life? You're probably not going to change a habit
if they weren't. But if you talk about the consequences, well,
(11:33):
mom and dad, if you continue to do this, what
happens if you fall and you break a hip and
you end up in a nursing home. Sometimes they are
just going to dig in their heels and they're not
going to listen, and that's when you wait for the
train wreck, and then unfortunately, you react to the train wreck,
which happens a lot. They broke their hip, they have
to go to a nursing home. There's no choice.
Speaker 4 (11:51):
For a lot of people.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
It's either the first option or the last option would
be to take a parent into their own homes, because
that creates entirely new stressors the older they get, or
they have health issues in your own relationship with your spouse.
Talk to me about that and the things to consider
when making that decision.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
You're going to make that decision, make a contract and
put it in writing. And the reason I say that
is it's almost like a pre marital contract because you
don't know how it's going to work out. If they
work out great, you may have no worries. It may
be your worst nightmare. So mom or dad, we're going
to agree to this. We're going to agree on a
trial of one month or two months. We're going to
see how it works out. If it works out great,
(12:32):
If it doesn't work out, then we have to look
at other options. And these are the other options, and
then you can put specifications, like you know, our kids
have their friends over, is that going to be a problem.
For you or you know, we know that you like
to eat certain things. How are we going to accommodate that.
You really have to look at it like you're marrying
your parents and what are all the day to day
issues that could come up and be proactive about talking
(12:53):
about those so that they don't become a problem.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Boundaries and barriers, I imagine are a key part of
that negotiation.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
Are they not?
Speaker 3 (13:01):
Very much? So?
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Yeah, If you had to give one piece of advice
to somebody who is probably preparing to have that conversation
with their parent because they know the moment is coming,
what would that one piece of advice be.
Speaker 3 (13:12):
Try to be very compassionate and do your research up front,
so you don't want to go in and tell your
parents you know all these things are going wrong and
they have to make changees. You want to go in
and say, hey, you know what, I did some research.
I see you're having these problems. Let's talk about all
these options and see what you think. You've got to
be prepared for the worst and have information to present
(13:33):
so that the conversation can continue. If if you don't
get word you want in the first conversation, and you
probably won't It's probably going to be a series of conversations.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
And I think the most important part of all of
this is do do this have these conversations preemptively so
when you need to implement them, you're ready and both
sides know what they can expect.
Speaker 3 (13:51):
Yes, and you're not scrambling and you're not making decisions
under pressure.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Pamela Wilson well renowned caregiving expert involved in aging, caregiving
and the health fields for more than two decades. Her
website is Pamela Dwilson dot com. That's Pamela d Wilson
dot com. Pam really appreciate your time. Thanks so much
for joining us.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
Thank you, Manny, I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
Us. Hi, It's Pauline here with iHeartMedia Chicago Community Affairs
and today I am chatting with for a nows to Robbie,
one of America's leading personal finance experts. How are you today?
Speaker 5 (14:22):
I'm wonderful, Thanks for having me, of.
Speaker 4 (14:24):
Course, thank you.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
I know you're super busy. You know you are obviously
hosting the award winning podcast So Money. We see you
on you know, Good Morning America. We see you everywhere,
and I'm so grateful and happy that you're here chatting
with us in Chicago because we've got questions.
Speaker 6 (14:39):
For you today.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Well, I'm ready, Yes, I love it so my you know,
first question would be, with the text deadline approaching on
April fifteenth, what tips do you have for those who
have yet to start their taxes and they want to
ensure a maximum refund?
Speaker 5 (14:54):
I know, this is my love letter to all the
procrastinators out there. You know, take advantage of the weeks
that remain. You know, I think that the earlier you start,
the more chances you have of actually finishing a return
that is completely optimized, meaning you're going to get the biggest,
baddest refund, and we want that for everybody. We want
(15:15):
to make sure that you're taking this time to get organized,
get your financial documents together, and you know, all the
basics like your ID and your statements from your banks.
This is all really important information to have so that
you can easily, once you sit down, easily file your taxes.
Speaker 6 (15:34):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
Absolutely, And I love that you said to the procrastinators,
because I am one in life. Yes, with my taxes.
I don't know why I'm always the first one there,
like opening day, I'm there day one.
Speaker 5 (15:45):
Because you know the benefit of getting that return early,
because here's the thing, the earlier you file, and you
know if you are getting a refund, the faster you'll
get it.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Probably one. No, that's very true. And what about as
far as the DIY tax softwares, you know that we
could use. What are some of the advantages to using those?
Speaker 5 (16:06):
Well, first of all, we love a good DIY tax
prep platform just because it puts us really in the
in control of our returns. I mean, we are the
ones who are closest to our money, closest to our expenses,
and so it's if we're doing it, it's most likely
that we're not going to overlook a credit or a deduction.
And I've actually partnered with tax Act, which is a
(16:27):
DIY tax prep software, and you know, we all understand
that tax doing our taxes is not the funnest thing.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
In the world.
Speaker 5 (16:35):
But you know what they've provided consumers there on their
website is a streamless sorry, a streamlined seamless. It's too
early to be doing all these almost alliteration in the morning,
but it's allowing us to really simplify the tax return process.
And you know, I think again, more and more people
(16:55):
are turning to DIY tax prep provider. So it's kind
of like meeting the market where it's at. And again,
I do think that when you do it yourself, you
have are a better likelihood, a better chance of doing
a return that is optimized.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Absolutely, no, I completely agree. And what about the common mistakes?
Anotherre has to be a couple. Do you see a couple?
Speaker 6 (17:20):
You're nice?
Speaker 3 (17:21):
So there's so many mistakes.
Speaker 5 (17:23):
I mean everything from a simple mistake like a misspelling,
to an address being wrong, to you know, overlooking a
major deduction or a credit because again we waited too long.
And I think what the thing is when you wait
too long and that's another mistake. What it what it
sort of leads to is this frantic process of doing
(17:45):
your taxes. And I mean whether you're doing your taxes
or something else, like doing something in that moment of
like duress is never good. You know, the outcome is
never going to be as great as it could be.
So you know, again, simple mistakes. And the thing about
when you make a mistake on your tax return is
that then the return gets returned and now you have
(18:07):
to file an addendum or you know, do it again,
and everything gets delayed. Including potentially that refund that you
were hoping to get.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
And exactly, and that's also why it's super important to
not procrastinate, to not wait until you know the last
very second if possible, obviously, and then it sounds too
like people just need to pay attention a little bit.
And I'm guilty of that, you know, because I also
got married and you know, different name change. I'm like,
oh boy, so I again.
Speaker 5 (18:34):
You want to hear a funny story, Paul. You know
when I got married, I've been married twelve years, but
the first year I got married, I forgot to put
married on my tax return. You know, you have an
option if you're filing single, you're filing married. And I
was that person who got their tax return returned.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
Wow.
Speaker 5 (18:53):
Yeah, that was embarrassing. Whow happened to the best of us?
What can I say?
Speaker 4 (18:58):
Exactly?
Speaker 1 (18:58):
I'm it can happen. I we can see that, but awesome,
I'd love to hear this. And then where can we
turn to help?
Speaker 6 (19:05):
Right?
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Where can filers turn for help if they do have
any questions?
Speaker 5 (19:08):
Well, again, I've partnered with tax act dot Com. I
really believe in their mission. And if you have any
questions or want to look into it. Go to tax
act dot com.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
I love that and where can we go to learn more?
One more time?
Speaker 5 (19:21):
That's taxact dot com. Thanks for having.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
Me, Fire News. You're the best. Thank you so much
for being here today. Thank you awesome, Thank you.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
They say that knowledge is power. That's true no matter
what you're talking about, but especially if you're trying to
raise awareness about important issues affecting our communities, our country,
and our world. Along those lines, it's bringing someone to
discuss one of those issues domestic violence, sexual assault, issues
that stunningly affect one in three women globally. More important
(19:51):
the effort to end those things in our society. Jane
Randall is co founder of No More. You can find
out more about the group at No More. Jane, thanks
for sharing some time with us.
Speaker 6 (20:03):
Thank you, thanks for being here.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
I'm being here, Thanks for having me, Thanks thanks for
sharing the time. Let me start off by asking about
no More the idea to begin this group to bring
attention to those issues of domestic violence and sexual assault.
Speaker 4 (20:17):
How did it begin? Where did it come from?
Speaker 6 (20:21):
It came from the brain of me and my co founder.
I had been doing work in the corporate sector on
this and realized that what domestic and sexual violence were
really facing was a marketing issue, meaning other issues diseases,
breast cancer, drunk driving, other things had sort of bigger
(20:45):
marketing campaigns around them that helped drive awareness, but this
issue in particular was so hard for people to talk about,
especially then this was formed. You know, I started this
about fifteen years ago, so you can imagine it really
really changed dramatically since then. And we got together all
the domestic and sexual violence organizations and national organizations and
(21:06):
came together and said we want to do this, and
worked with them to create the symbol and the message
of no More, and then we've been running it since.
Speaker 4 (21:14):
The numbers are pretty stunning.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
I mean they vary from group to group, but twelve
million Americans affected one way or another by domestic violence
sexual assault. Forty one percent of women twenty six percent
of men have experienced sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking
by an intimate partner during their lifetime. Why do you
(21:38):
think this issue wasn't getting the attention of some of
the others, As you mentioned, I think it makes people.
Speaker 6 (21:45):
I know, it makes people very uncomfortable. We live in
a society where we're sort of taught to mind their
own business and not get involved, and you know that
is changing a bit. But there's all sorts of stories
of people, you know, hearing things going on next door
and not saying anything. There's a very famous PSA of
(22:07):
a couple in bed and they are hearing all this
noise and fighting and crashing from next door, and you
see the guy reach over and you think he's going
to pick up the phone, and he just turns out
the light. And so these issues need to be normalized.
We need to normalize this conversation, which we've come a
long way about it. But if you want to stop
(22:28):
domestic in sexual violence, you need to start young, and
you need to start educating kids. And the best people
do that aside from schools, are parents or people who
are important in their lives. So we really want to
get the message out around that.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
Well, let's talk about some of those challenges that you
found in combating that.
Speaker 4 (22:48):
I don't know about it.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
Fear is the right word, but the lack of people
wanting to take a stand and address these issues, you know.
Speaker 6 (22:57):
It steers a good word actually, and just discomfort it.
First of all, anytime you have something with sex in it,
it makes people uncomfortable. I know that sounds ridiculous when
you talk about sexual violence, but you know, I took
this on. This is an issue in my company that
my company had taken on years many years ago, and
Corporate America has played a big role in a lot
(23:18):
of ways on domestic and sexual violence awareness and education.
But it doesn't change the fact that we as a
society from the ground up, need to be more comfortable
talking about these issues. Be more comfortable approaching a colleague
that you think maybe in an abusive relationship, a friend,
a neighbor. You know, we're all so afraid that someone's
(23:40):
going to get mad at us, or that we're going
to be embarrassed right like you're and we're going to
just feel we're just going to feel humiliated by even
approaching someone, So we don't And you know, there's lots
of ways to approach people that will not make them
feel on the defensive, not put you on, you know,
make you feel uncomfortab and just show that you care.
(24:01):
There's all sorts of stories of I just remember this
one story of a woman who was experiencing domestic violence,
and you can it's sometimes it's very evident in the
workplace if someone is dealing with that at home, And
she said someone her supervisor or someone stopped her and
just asked her, how are you, but like, very genuinely,
not of passing how you're doing it? How are you?
(24:24):
And she didn't respond, but she said later that it
meant someone cared and that was enough for her. And
people who are in abusive relationships in particular are often
very isolated. That's one way that the abuser gains that
power and control. And so if you are isolated from
(24:44):
family and friends and colleagues and someone's constantly putting you
down and constantly telling you you're worthless and stupid and
all of those horrific things, you begin to believe it.
You believe it because you have nobody else who's going
to tell you differently.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
Yeah, and I always say, you never really know what
is going on because between those four walls, I mean,
we hear about it all the time in the news
that were the perfect family. I never would have imagined
this happening to them. So it's kind of hard to
figure this. So how do you get past that? How
do you make people realize that we're all you know,
we're all fathers. We're all sons, we all have mothers
(25:18):
and daughters and sisters and people that we love.
Speaker 4 (25:21):
That could be affected by this.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
How do we get past that hesitancy to actually reach
out and see if somebody is okay, somebody is being
affected by these issues, doing exactly.
Speaker 6 (25:33):
What we're doing right now, having conversations, having public discussion
about it. I am a huge fan of educating kids
from the time they're little, not obviously about domestic and
sexual violence per se, but about creating boundaries and friendship
in their friendships, respect, conflict resolution, teaching kids early what
(25:57):
they can want and expect in real life relationship. And
if you can do that broadly, then you create people
who want who are reaching towards healthy relationships. I also
think that talking about healthy relationships as opposed to sort
of the darkness and the worst part of everything allows
(26:17):
people to accept the information better. It's less scary, maybe
it feels less judgmental. And so it's doing a lot
of that, and there's a lot of educations, a lot
of different organizations along with no more that work to educate,
you know, from kids through high school, college and beyond
(26:37):
around healthy relationships and what that looks like and then
also help you you sort of raise it, but then
also teaching about healthy manhood and what that looks. A
Call to Men is an ally organization of ours, and
they spend a lot of time talking about healthy manhood,
what that means and what it doesn't mean, and it's
(26:59):
really I've had the privilege of watching them through their
sessions and it's been amazing to watch sort of people
in the audience like get it, you know, like wait
a minute, yeah, you know, I'm allowed to feel fear,
I'm allowed to feel anger, and I'm allowed to feel
sad Like all of these feelings are okay. They don't
(27:20):
all have to be child into anger. Right, you can
be angry, but sometimes a lot of times anger is
fear or sadness.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
It's okay on many different levels, isn't it. It's okay.
Speaker 6 (27:31):
Yes, it's okay to feel and that's really for men
and and then you know, but it is very much
with no more. You know. One thing that is special
about us, frankly is that we're global, and there aren't
that many. In fact, there aren't any global domestic and
sexual violence organizations, and that is huge because we have
(27:52):
chapters in you know, Cameroon and Ecuador and all these
different places around the world and growing, and certainly the
UK says no More, Australia says no More. And that's
the no More. The no More slogan, the no More image,
the no More symbol was created to allow people to
(28:13):
rally around it. It was created as an open source
branding programs, right, so that you know, we'll we'll create
the equity, we'll do a lot of the work, but
anybody can use it. I remember taking one of my
kids around to look at collegism. I would just see
no More programs on campuses that I didn't know were there. Yeah,
that's pretty cool. The other thing, just one one last
(28:36):
thing quick. We also have a global directory, so it's
the only global directory in the world that is a
directory of all domestic and sexual violence organizations around the world,
so that if you're somewhere, if someone's when of your
listeners is traveling and god hopefully they don't need it,
but if they need information, they can go to find them.
Go to no More dot org and find the directory
and get some help.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
A few more minutes here with Jane Randell Cole, founder
of No More, you can find out more about the
group at no More dot org. How do you measure
or can you measure the effectiveness of these campaigns, these initiatives,
these public service announcements that you make.
Speaker 6 (29:14):
You know, metrics are always really hard, especially when you're
talking about you know, sort of soft stuff right like
it's you know, messaging like this as opposed to an
ad where you can really tell, you know, cricks or
how many people buy the product. You know, It's very
interesting because for years people would say, you know, so
(29:34):
you're doing all this work, and you know, are the
numbers going down? And the truth is that when you
have an incident or when you do a big campaign,
what you see or are numbers of calls to hotlines
going up because it's giving people permission, making them aware
that they're not you know again at the services and
not alone. There's people out there to help them. So
(29:56):
that's always sort of this weird thing that people are like, oh, oh,
you know, you're doing all this work, it must be
going down, right and sure not. But but what shows
actually is more people reaching out for help, which is
what we want. But we really are very focused on prevention.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
Do you find that it's a cultural thing. Do you
find that in countries where women are respected more there
is a lower incidence of domestic violence and sexual assault
because it almost feels like it's a cultural thing here
in our country where it's always been, you know, the
woman was the homemaker and she was, you know, there
(30:34):
to take care of the man and the whole machismo thing,
and obviously that's changed over the generations. We don't look
at it the same way. And lord knows, I couldn't
even attempt to do with the things that my wife
or my mother has done and raising our families and
running the households. But there was a long time where
we didn't have the same respect for women in our
country that.
Speaker 4 (30:53):
We did for men.
Speaker 6 (30:54):
You know, that's a really interesting question, and there are
definitely many, many different cold norms in different ways that
different countries approach these issues. But the truth is that
it happens to It can happen anywhere to anyone. It
happens at the highest economic threshold, that happens at the
(31:15):
lowest economic threshold. It may look different. There's lots of
different ways to perpetrate abuse. Is financial abuse where you whole,
even if the victim is making the money. This is
about power and control, right, So I can exert my power.
Maybe I'm not even to ma see any money, but
I can exert my power over my partner and prevent
them from spending money or channeling how they can spend money.
(31:39):
I can damage them at their work. Things like that.
And verbal abuse, So there may be and verbal abuse
is one of those that's really hard. People think, oh,
we get angry, but verbal abuse isn't about being angry
with each other, right, It's about arguing from You can argue.
Maybe that's your relationship. Maybe you just bicker and argue
and that's how you guys whoever you are related. But
are you arguing from from an equal playing field? Right?
(32:02):
Does one person have much more power in that relationship
than the other.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Jane Randell, co founder of No More. You can find
out more about the group and how you can help
or take part at nomore dot org. Jane really appreciate
the time, and I'm extremely appreciative for the effort and
everything you're trying to do.
Speaker 4 (32:20):
Best of luck, continued success.
Speaker 7 (32:22):
Thank you, thank you for the opportunity, thank you so
much for tuning in, and thank you for always listening
to the weekly show here on iHeartRadio and i Ney
three to nine, LM one three five, Kiss FM, and
Rock ninety five to five.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
If you want to listen to this episode or a
previous episode, you can find us on our free iHeartRadio
app and just search for the weekly show. See you
again next weekend.
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