March 27, 2025 • 48 mins
Have you ever found yourself crying over something like mustard being put on your burger when you asked for ketchup or getting tots instead of fries? How about getting cream cheese on your bagel when you asked for butter? Chances are...you know exactly what we are talking about!! In an effort for y'all to get to know Kat better (since she is joining Amy as a full-time co-host next week) Amy is playing her favorite You Need Therapy (Kat's podcast) episode about the time Kat cried over a bagel.
Why do small inconveniences sometimes take away our ability to utilize rational thinking and drive us to make these mountains out of molehills? What is underneath our inability to regulate our emotions in the moment? Kat talks about how she processed her "dramatic" moment and brings Patrick on to give his take on what he saw going on as it was happening. Learn how to gain information about your needs during experiences when it feels like your disappointment is someone else's fault.
Email: heythere@feelingthingspodcast.com
HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Kat Vanburen // @KatVanburen // @YouNeedTherapyPodcast // YouNeedTherapyPodcast.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Okay, cats up little food for yourself life. Oh it's
pretty bad. Hey, it's pretty beautiful, beautiful that for a
little more.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
It's exciting.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Said he can cut your.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Kicking with four Thing.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
With Amy Brown.
Speaker 4 (00:32):
Happy Thursday, four Things Amy here. Kind of crazy to
say that, so the last time, well that I'm going
to say it. If you missed our announcement on Tuesday,
four Things is getting a makeover. We're evolving here and
it's definitely a good thing. Everything will remain on the
same podcast feed, so same feed, new name, and Kat
(00:54):
is joining as a full time co host after being
my fifth Thing co host for years now. She'll now
be here for every episode every Tuesday, every Thursday. Episodes
will still load on those days and Kat will be
by my side again. Everything will be on the speed,
but you'll see new artwork with me and Kat on
it and our new podcast name, which is Feeling Things
(01:16):
with Amy and Kat and Walker Hayes, who did my
four Things theme song, wrote us a new one for
Feeling Things, and I love it so much. We played
it on Tuesday when we did the announcement, but I
want to play it again. It's real quick. It's like
twenty seconds long, and it's our feeling things jingle and
I just want to play it again and get you
excited for next Tuesday, which will be our very first episode.
(01:39):
So take it away, Walker, good. All right, break it down.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
If you ever have feelings that you just wons maybe
and Cat gotcha Covin locking a brother, Ladies and folks,
do you just follow Anna Spear where it's all the
real stuff to the chill stuff and him. Sometimes the
best thing you can do it just you feel. This
(02:07):
is feeling things with Amy and Kat.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
I love it.
Speaker 4 (02:10):
The more I listen to it, the more it just
makes me smile. I'm so excited for this change, so
huge thank you to Walker for that. This whole thing
has been about seven months or so in the making,
like the flip or the makeover, the rebrand or whatever
we want to call it, so finally announcing it on
Tuesday was really exciting. So many of you have been
(02:33):
loyal listeners since the beginning, and I'm forever grateful. I
hope that you continue to listen and connect with us
and you stay the course with the change. Like sometimes
change is just weird for people and they're like, eh,
I'm not into it. But I hope that you see
it as something awesome and it's just part of us
(02:53):
evolving here and that you're evolving yourself, and.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Hopefully you evolve. You evolved with us.
Speaker 4 (02:57):
This change reflects we've grown and where we're going. There's
going to be more honest conversations, more laughter, more depth,
more stories, and well being. That it's called Feeling Things.
Definitely more feelings. So again, I know I keep using
that word evolve and evolution, but just think of it
as a natural evolution of everything that we've already been
(03:20):
building together. Because you're a part of this too. You're
a part of building this podcast, So thank you for
being a part of this with us. Tuesday episodes with
Kat are going to be Kat and I'm just talking mostly.
Occasionally we'll have an interview, but you'll find out on
April first that Tuesday, like I said, it's going to
be our first episode. Our debut episode is Feeling Things,
(03:41):
So give it a listen. You'll see what that is
going to be like, and who knows, it may evolve
over time. Four Things definitely had different stages. For sure,
we're still trying to figure a lot out. But for
Thursday episodes, that's where you come in. We want to
hear from you. And I do have an update on
our new email address though, because on Tuesday we shared
that it was Hello at Feeling Things podcast dot com
(04:03):
and that's what we thought it was, but we were
caught up in the moment and forgot that that wasn't
available or we couldn't get it or something, so we
had to get Hey, there at Feeling Things podcast dot com.
So that is our email address, and we want to
hear from you because we want to do Q and a's.
We want topic suggestions from y'all. If you listen to
(04:25):
cats podcast called You Need Therapy, she had an episode
each week that she called couch Talks where she answered
listener questions and so Feeling Things is adopting that. So
our Thursday episodes are going to be our couch talk
episodes where we go over your emails and questions. And
again that'll be every Thursday, so you can email us.
Starting emailing us now, Hey there at Feeling Things podcast
(04:47):
dot com. Can't wait to start reading those. Speaking of cats,
You Need Therapy podcast, one of my favorite episodes she
ever put up is about the time that she cried
over a Bagel.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
We even talked about it on.
Speaker 4 (05:01):
The Fifth Thing, It wasn't in the way that she
talked about it on You Need Therapy, where she also
offered wisdom and advice around it, which I mean, I
think she did a little bit on the Fifth Thing,
but she goes more into depth. But her bageld tears
showed her what she needed. And if we're paying attention
to moments like this for ourselves, we too can get
(05:23):
information about our needs, you know. And it's like the
question of why do small inconveniences sometimes take away our
ability to utilize our rational thinking and drive us to
make these mountains out of molehills? Like what is underneath
our inability to regulate our emotions in those moments? And
(05:43):
that's what Kat is breaking down in this episode that
I'm gonna.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Play for you.
Speaker 4 (05:47):
She talks about how she processed her dramatic moment, and
she even brings Patrick on to give his take on
what he saw going on as it was unfolding. Now,
Patrick was her boyfriend at the time and now they've
been married for a year, so the Bagel situation happened
a while ago. But I just feel like it's the
perfect episode to get to know Kat better, so I
(06:08):
hope you enjoy it. You'll learn how to gain information
about your needs during experiences when it feels like your
disappointment is someone else's fault. But if you're paying attention,
you might learn a little bit about what you really need.
So here is an episode of You Need Therapy with
Kat titled how crying over a bagel can show us
(06:31):
what we need if we pay attention.
Speaker 3 (06:38):
Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You
Need Therapy podcast. My name is Kat, I am the host,
and I am so glad you're here. Before we get
started today, a quick reminder that although this is a
podcast that is hosted by a therapist and it's called
You Need Therapy, this podcast does not serve as a
replacement or substitute for actual mental health services. However, it
(06:59):
can help you whatever journey you were on. I thought
that we would use this episode as a little chance
for me to tell a story, a recent story from
my own life that led me to a reminder of
something that I logically know but sometimes forget to apply
to my life when I am in some emotional spaces.
(07:20):
Because you guys know this, I talk about this all
the time. I'm a therapist, I goes to therapy. I'm
a therapist who also has to ask for help, which
should be every therapist. And although we have a lot
of information in our brain and we can help people
access that information, sometimes when it is you, it's harder
to take a step back and see the big picture.
(07:40):
So I thought I would tell you today a story
of when I cried about assessame bagel. And this happened
on Sunday, January first, so not that long ago. I
woke up, as I usually do, pretty early on this Sunday,
and I couldn't go back to sleep, which is not
(08:00):
an issue for me. I like getting up earlier. I
like seizing the day. The mornings are my favorite part
of the day. And I had this wonderful idea to
go get my boyfriend breakfast, because one I wanted breakfast,
but also he very often will be the one to
get up and go run an errand or do something
which is very kind, and I really appreciate that about him.
But I thought, hey, what better way to start the
(08:24):
new year than to do something kind for somebody else.
So I said, Patrick, I'm going to get you a bagel,
because you love bagels, and he loves bagels from a
specific place. But I was like, I think we should
try something new. I think we should try a more
local spot, see if we can, you know, do like
a bagel tour maybe, and then find the actual best
bagel in Nashville, even though he swears by these bagels.
(08:46):
So I did some research. I found one that was
fifteen minutes away from my house, which is not really
a fart way, but I also like going places that
are five minutes away because I think, oh, it's fifteen
minutes there, then it's fifteen minutes back. I also, I'm
probably going to send fifteen mons and it's in the
store at least getting what I need. So that's forty
five minutes, which like rounds up to an hour, and
that's an hour of my day, and so it just
seems I get a little anxious about time. So anyway,
(09:10):
I bet the bullet and I was like, I'm gonna
do it because these bagels amazing. So I get in
my car, I drive to this bagel place. Pretty easy
to get there, not a lot of people on the road.
And I get there and I park and I look
across the street into the store and I noticed that
all the lights are off, and I think to myself, well,
it is January first, and a lot of businesses take
off on January first, so I imagine that this place
(09:32):
is closed. And then I saw a couple other people
walk up to it and then walk away, so I
quickly learned this place is closed. I was like, no
big deal, just changing plans a little bit. So we're
going to go to the original bagel place because I
know that place is open. I checked it on Google.
I text my boyfriend and I say, hey, this place
is closed. I'm going to be a little longer. I'm
gonna drive to the other bagel place. And it was
(09:54):
seventeen minutes from where I currently was, so make seventeen
minutes away. So I'm gonna be a little longer, but
send me your order. He's like, okay, thank you so much,
Like he was so appreciative. He wouldn't have even cared
if I just came home and I didn't get anything.
We would have just had cereal and been happy. So
he's like, thank you so much. This is what I
want if you go. So I drive there and listen
to some good music. I'm feeling good I'm feeling fine.
(10:15):
Not ideal, but I also stopped at McDonald's and got
some diet cokes and hash browns, because what better way
to eat a bagel than with a McDonald's diet coach,
which coke, which is the healer of all healing things.
So I get there and I walk in and there
are two people in there too, like customers. One was
walking out as I was walking in, and then there
(10:36):
was one person waiting for their food and I walk
in right away they asked me what my order is.
I give them my order. I'm a little thrown off
because I don't understand the way they're doing things. It
seems a little chaotic, like I ordered somewhere where I
guess normally you wouldn't order, and then there's nobody at
the register, but normally you would order at the register.
I just was a little thrown off of like how
is this working? So I order and I say I
(10:58):
need a sesame by with butter, and then an everything
bagel with whatever Patrick's order was, which was like a
just basic thing off of the menu, like a sandwich.
And right away she goes, you said, oh, what bagel
with butter? And I said, as sesame bagel, and she said, okay.
All of a sudden, right after I order, literally I
(11:19):
counted seventeen people came in. I don't know if there
are teenagers or like twenty year olds. I don't I
can never tell ages of people anymore, but I was
like a younger group of kids, and it was a
huge group. There's seventeen of them. And then after they
came in, other people started to come in, and so
a line started to form out of the door, and
I was like, whoa. That was literally God getting here
at the exact right time. So right after that happens,
(11:41):
this girl, the girl that walked in when I was walking,
or walked out when I was walking in, walks into
the bagel shop and she has a bag on her
hand and she said, hey, I asked for an avocado
bagel with cheese and bacon, and you just put avocado
on this. And they're very confused by her. She had
a repeat herself like three times, and then finally the
(12:02):
person that made her bagel was like, what's the problem
and she told her and she just was like, well,
I didn't know that that's what you wanted, which I'm
sure she was stressed. There's a lot of people in there.
I probably would have handled that a little differently and
that's okay. And so you could tell the girl was
getting a little frushrated. And she's like, well, can I
just have the bagel I ordered and the bagel that
I paid for? So she's waiting there. I'm waiting there
(12:23):
for my bagels. Time goes by, the woman hands me
my bagel and then walks off. I'm sitting there confused
of like, okay, do I just take this? Is it free?
Or like how do I pay? Because there's nobody at
the register. And then right after they had me my bagel,
they handed the girl her bag back and she opens
it and she immediately goes there's no bagel in here.
(12:44):
And the woman was like what, shes well, there's no
bagel in the bag you gave me, And she said, well,
I thought you just needed bacon for your bagel, and
she said, no, you took my bagel to remain make
my bagel. Now I don't have a bagel and I
just have bacon. And she looked at it and she goes, well,
I didn't know that, which was very confusing to me.
So the girl's getting frustrated, the woman starts remaking her bagel.
(13:06):
I guess, and then finally a couple of minutes later,
somebody comes out of the register and starts like ringing
me up or asking what I ordered. And it was
a chaotic place. I have so much compassion for being
in a chaotic place. There's gonna be a line, there's
gonna be that normally somebody might approach that situation. But
thank you for being patient, or sorry about the line,
(13:27):
or really thank you for being patient. It's the best
way to handle that because I didn't have an issue waiting.
It was really that I just was confused. I didn't
know what was going on. So they're a little bit
rude bringing me up, and I just was like, whatever,
it's the new year. Who knows what happened to these
people last night, if they had a rough night or
a good night, or maybe something happened in their lives recently,
and they're just having a hard time. So I'm gonna
(13:48):
leave with my bagels and I'm gonna be happy. I'm
gonna go home and I'm gonna eat my bag with Patrick,
and we're gonna have a wonderful first day of the
new year. So I get back in my car, knowing
that I showed up probably checked my order after watching
What Happened with the girl with the avocado bacon bagel,
and then just got bacon. But I was just in
a rush. I wanted to get back to Patrick. I
(14:09):
wanted to eat my bagel. I was excited. I could
tell there's two bagels in there, so I just was like,
let's go. So I drove fifteen minutes home and was
so excited about all the goodies. I had the hash rounds,
I had the diet Cokes and I brought them to
Patrick and we were opening up our stuff and I
was explaining, like the chaos, kind of laughing it off,
like that was crazy. That place is so inefficient. I
don't understand it. And I opened up my bagel, knowing
(14:33):
that I ordered a sess me a bagel with butter,
but probably the easiest order anybody could ever have other
than getting up plaining bagel with butter, and I noticed
that there's like a lot of butter on it, and
I'm like, oh, I guess I'm gonna have to go
downstairs and get a knife to spread this because it's
just like a big chunk of like white. So I
opened up my bagel and then I see that this
was not a big chunk of butter. It was a huge,
(14:53):
massive glob of cream cheese. I had chunks of something
in it. It was like red, and so I imagine
that it's peppers or tomatoes or something. But there's chunks
of something in the cream cheese. And I lost my mind.
When I lose my mind, I don't get super loud
all the time. I wasn't yelling, I was anything. I
(15:14):
just lost control of which we never really have control
of emotions. But I just lost control of my emotions
and my excitement, and I became very upset very quick,
and I said, oh my gosh, this has cream cheese
on it. I can't eat this. I slammed bagel, shutting
through it on the floor, and I was so upset,
(15:35):
and I was also really hungry at this point. And
you know, I do realize how silly this is, just
so you know we're going to get to that point.
But I remember wanting to throw things. I just wanted
to be so mad. I was so mad at this
bagel place, and then I was mad at Patrick. And
he did nothing wrong. He he offered to go get
me the right bagel. He was like, do want me
to go back and get what you ordered? And I
(15:57):
said no, because if you do that, it defeats the
purpose of me trying to go do something nice for you.
And I just tried to do something nice for you
and how to have a good morning, and this is
what happens. And I can't even eat that, And how
hard is it to just make? I mean, I was
so mad. And then I got even more mad because
he was sitting there because he offered to do something.
So he was like, I guess I'll eat my bagel.
(16:17):
So he was sitting there enjoying his bagel on diet coke,
and I was just pissed, like pissed off. So eventually
I just get up, throw the covers off, stomp downstairs. Yes,
we were eating in bed, which might be gross to
you guys. I totally understand that, and if you judge me,
that's okay. I have no issue with it. So I
summed downstairs, and we had made a plan to clean
(16:38):
the kitchen and then go grocery shopping to get ourselves
set up for the new year. We had made a budget.
We were excited to start like cooking at home, and
so I wasn't so excited to do that, but I
was like, I guess I'll just clean the kitchen by
myself since Patrick's just up there eating a bagel. Meanwhile,
like I brought him the bagel to eat, and I
remember wanting to slam things, but I have those like
(17:02):
soft closing drawers, so you can't slam them. So I
kept trying to slam the drawer, but then the drawer
would get caught on whatever it is that keeps it
from slamming. So then I got even more mad. And
so I have a kitchen appliants that has a couple
of pieces and I just like throw it into the
pantry to like make noise. I just wanted to release something,
which is that's totally normal and healthy. I probably should
(17:26):
have punched some pillows or gone and throw rocks or
ice or screened into a pillow, but I was taking
it out on anything in the kitchen. And so then
I start doing the dishes, and of course I'm stewing
it and creating more anger and resentment towards Patrick because
he's not helping me, even though he's eating the bag
Why I bought him and then he comes downstairs eventually,
and he's tiptoeing down the stairs, and then he comes
(17:48):
in the kitchen and starts, you know, trying to put
some of the dishes away. He quietly grabs a dish
towel starts to dry the dishes that I'm cleaning. And
it just was pissing me off that he was there.
And he went and got dressed and he can marry.
He was like, I'm going to go to the grocery store,
and I was like, you can't go to the grocery store.
We didn't even make a list. I'm like so angry.
At this point, He's like, well, I would like to
(18:10):
go now. I don't mind going now. I want to
do that before it gets too late because I want
to watch some the football games today. And oh my god,
that sentence through me, Oh, you want to go now
when it's convenient for you, so you can watch football games, player,
so you can have a good day again. All of
my logic was turned off at this point. My emotional
brain was just rereaking havoc all over the place. So
(18:33):
sometime goes by. My friend ends up ordering me a
bagel from another place down the road. That I actually
wanted to go to it initially. And so we sit
down and I'm like, I know I'm being a rational Patrick,
but I would like to go to the grocery store together.
I would like to make a list. It didn't happen
this nicely. It took some more settling down of me,
and I don't think I said it exactly this way,
(18:54):
but the gist of what I said was, I want
to make a list. I want to make a plan
for the week for food, and then I want to
go together, Like I want to go to the grocery
store together. I don't want this to just be me
going to the grocery store to get food for you
and us, obviously, so you can sit home and watch
football day, which is a whole other story. People out
there whose partners love watching hours and hours and hours
(19:17):
of football on the weekends. We're going to create a
support group. But anyway, so then he's like, okay, I'll
go to the store with you. It's fine, And I
was like, okay, well, I have to wait for this
bagel now that Kellen, my friend Kellen had got me,
and I knew he was getting antsy because he's like, well,
if we go get the bagel, and then what if
you have to sit and talk to your friend, and
then it's going to take us longer to the grocery store,
and I want to get back by a certain point
because I knew he was going to the grocery store
(19:38):
to appease me, but he really wanted to be at
home watching football. So we get in the car, we
go to get the bagel, and I could just tell
he didn't want to be there. So what I did
then I gave nobody any solution to get out of
this safely. So I said, I don't want you to
go to the grocery store if you don't want to
go to the grocery store with me. I don't want
(19:59):
you to the grocery store with me if you would
rather be at home watching football. He was like, well,
I don't know what to tell you. I will go
to the grocery store with you, but obviously I would
rather be watching football. I said, then you then don't come.
So I dropped him off to his car because his
car was at a friend's house near my friend Kellen,
who had got me the bagel. And I said, well,
then you can't don't come with me. So he gets
(20:19):
out of the car quietly, and then he comes over
to the other side of the car and he taps
on the window and I roll it down and he
just says I love you, and I said I love
you too, and I'm really mad at you right now.
He was like, I don't know what you want me
to do, and I said, well, you can't. You can't.
I just want you to know that you can't win,
(20:40):
because if you come with me and you're up, you're upset,
then you don't want to be there. I'm going to
be mad at you, and if you don't come with me,
I'm also going to be mad at you. He was like, okay, well,
I don't know what to do. I'm just gonna come
with you. And I was like, okay, realizing in this moment,
I'm making this worse, so I'm like, okay, just come
with me. Whatever. So he actually drove the grocery store
separately in his car, and then I drove in my
(21:00):
car to the grocery store and I had some alone
time to think, and I was like, Catherine, you know
you're being a rational right now. You know in time,
you're not going to feel this way. You have an
opportunity to go grocery shopping with Patrick and have a
good time and enjoy yourself, or you can be mean
to him. Those are your options. And so I said, Okay,
I'm going to apologize when I get there. I'm going
(21:22):
to tell him I'm in a bad mood and I'm
working on getting out of that bad mood, but I
just can't snap out of it. It's going to take
me a second. So I did that. He said, okay,
we actually had a fine time at the grocery store.
It wasn't the best time, but a fine time. So
(21:46):
that was my day of It was literally probably from
nine o'clock to probably one or two, where this bagel
had just taken over my first day of the new year,
and there was a lot of feelings. There were some
tears in my eyes, and there was a lot of
I wanted to laugh at myself, but I couldn't because
then I would be mad at myself for laughing myself.
(22:07):
So as I am recounting this experience later that day
with friends, and I told the story on the fifth
Thing with Amy Brown that evening, I started to remember
and pull up the memories that because this is not
an isolated event, and I started to remember a couple
other times recently that this has happened, And there was
(22:31):
one similar situation a couple months ago where Patrick had
actually gotten up and gone to get me. I really
wanted a power Aid slush. It just sounded so good
to me. He went up and got me a poweried
slush from Sonic. I ordered on the app. I downloaded
the app just so I could order it and get
a half price because side note pro tip if you
order drinks on the app from Sonic happy hours all
(22:52):
the time, so you can always get a half price drink,
which is very clutch. So I ordered on the app.
He got food. We probably would not have gotten food
from Sonic because that's not my preferred breakfast food, although
Sonic is so good. But I wanted powered slush, so
that's what we did. So we went and got it,
picked it up, he brought it to me. It was
not a power aided slush. It was a huge power
(23:13):
Aid and Patrick didn't understand what the big deal was.
And I was like, I can't drink this, and also
I don't want this. This is very different than what
I wanted, and I could not get over it I
again tears in my eyes. Was so upset. I actually
went as far to writing a email to Sonic's customer service,
and in the email it even said I wish I
(23:33):
could pull it up. But in the meal, I told
him what happened, like I ordered this and then I
came home and this is what I got. And I
do realize that this is not that big of a deal,
and I am being a little bit dramatic, but I
can't help it. And I just needed an outlet to
share my feelings. I'm not even asking for anything. I
just like wanted to tell somebody. They actually did give
me a free drink, so it worked really in my
(23:54):
favorite and Patrick also went back and got the actual
drink and Sonics like five that's from our house. So
that happened, and it was like so wild, like it's
not again small potatoes. And then more recently than that,
I think it was the end of the end of
November or early December. I had gotten some Christmas pajamas
for Patrick and I. I was doing some shopping and
(24:16):
noticed that Old Navy had their Christmas pajamas out and
I was like, oh, I got to get those now,
because I know they sell out, and so I go
and I'm trying to find a pattern that would appease
both Patrick and I because he's more picky and I
don't know if you would wear certain things that I
would wear, and I wanted them to match, and then
you had to find the same thing that had my
(24:36):
size and his size. So I got these pajamas and
I got home and I put them upstairs and I
told them I have a surprise for you. They're upstairs.
Go check it out. And my mom used to always
do this, but she would give them to us on
Christmas Eve, and I was gonna do that, but then
I was like, wait, we could wear these pajamas all
December and they can be like our Christmas pajamas. So
we gets them and he's excited and we put them
(24:58):
on later that night and he's like, just so you know,
these aren't Christmas pajamas. And I was like, excuse me.
He said, yeah, so I like these and I love them.
Thank you for buying them for me, but these aren't
Christmas pajamas. These are just pajamas. And they were the
buffalo check, like black, like the plaid. It was just
black and white. And when I tell you I lost
(25:21):
again my mind. I lost my mind. I was so
distraught I refused to put mine on. I actually put
them back in the bag and said, well, you can
return these because I'm not going to wear them anymore,
and you now are responsible for going to find us
Christmas pajamas because apparently I can't do that correctly. I mean,
this is so outside of how I normally act. And
then he went downstairs to I think we'll watch a
(25:42):
movie or something. I think he thought I was coming,
and I just got in bed and started reading my
book and wouldn't go downstairs. And then a little later
he came upstairs and he was like, I what is wrong?
And I told him how said I was, and he apologized,
and I just couldn't get over it. I said, I
appreciate your apology and I do accept it, but I
(26:03):
can't get over this and I'm not gonna be able
to wear those pajamas, and so I do need you
to return them. He was like, okay, I'm so sorry,
and we'll get to more of that as we carry on,
but before we do that, I actually thought it would
be interesting to get Patrick. And for some of you,
you know him as big p from when we talk
about him on the Fifth Thing with Amy on her
(26:25):
podcast Four Things with Amy Brown. I thought it'd be
interesting to get his perspective on what he thought was
going on and how he was feeling as these couple
of events were happening, because, like I said, they're outside
of my norm and they were very small things that
set me off versus really big things. So I'm gonna
go get Patrick and then we're going to talk to
(26:45):
him really quick about this. I have Patrick here in
the flesh. This is his You Need Therapy debut, This
is his podcast debut, This is any other kind of
debut having right now. Okay, all right, So how do
you feel feel good? Okay? He feels good?
Speaker 2 (27:06):
All right.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
So I brought him here because I wanted before I
went into the why and what was going on and
what I discovered about my own feelings and behavior, I
wanted you guys to get a perspective of what might
the other person that's in that situation with you be thinking.
And I'm also curious what he was thinking as well,
just for myself. So we're going to start with this.
(27:30):
The Bagel situation was not the first time that I've
had a reaction to a small a seemingly small thing.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
Oh no, no, no.
Speaker 3 (27:39):
So I want to know what was going on in
your head when I was initially upset about the bagel,
because what I remember is I gave you your bagel,
and you were so excited to eat it, and you
got right into having Okay, so you're having your nice
time over there, and then I was upset. And I
don't even know in the beginning if you've realized how
(28:01):
upset I was.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
I mean, I feel like I can kind of see
it on your face most of the time.
Speaker 3 (28:06):
Now when you're looking at me, though I.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
Was looking at the bagel. Yeah, I think I I
could just feel your uh negative, yeah, just just radiating
off of you.
Speaker 3 (28:17):
When you were eating your bagel, and I was mad.
What were you thinking. Were you thinking she's being dramatic?
Were you thinking like, oh shit, I don't know what
to do.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
I knew it was an interesting situation already because of
all the troubles you had to get to that bagel
that morning, Thank you. I knew it was hard to
that point in the day because of the journey you
had to get there. Yes, what was this the second bagel? Place?
That you had gone to.
Speaker 3 (28:41):
Yeah, and they're on opposite sides of town.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
You were texting me. I could feel the negative energy
through the phone. I guess.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
So you weren't thinking she's psychotic.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
No, I mean psychotics not the right word. Now what
I have acted that way? I would have been disappointed
for sure, especially when you're you got to that point
of like, okay, journey's over, I'm here with my bagel, yes,
like the payoff is here, yeah, and then you open
it up and it's not exactly as you've seen, not
only not exactly as you've seen, something that you would
(29:12):
not eat.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
Oh yeah, I don't even think I said that earlier.
A cream cheese grosses me out. So I couldn't just
like scrape it off or be like, oh I didn't
get I wanted, but I'll have this. I like was repulsed.
So that was pretty upsetting. So that happens, and then
the day goes on and we get into the situation
where I'm trying to go to the grocery store and
I want you to come, but I want you to
want to come. You don't want to come, but you'll come,
(29:34):
And I am putting you in a possible situation.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
So at that point, well, and there's there's reasons behind
that too. I you know, I like watching NFL football,
and I was kind of getting excited for that part
of the day where you know, the red zone countdown
starts and you're ready to watch all the games and.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
The Devil's TV Show.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
I had offered to go to the store get all
the things we needed prior to this start of the games,
but no, you were like, we want to do together,
which is fine, which is good. I just wish we
would have jumped on that opportunity earlier than when it
got to eleven forty five in the games start at twelve.
Speaker 3 (30:16):
Left. I hate the red zone, okay, but were you not?
I guess my thing what I'm thinking about is when
you got out of the car and I was like,
you're not coming with me? I want to know, because
I very much knew that I was putting you on
a possible situation. But were you still in that space
of oh, I get why she's upset, or you like seriously.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
It was more about like I knew you were upset,
and you had some valid reasons to be upset, and
in my mind, it was like you know, it doesn't
take much for me to spend a little time, take
a little time out of what I was planning on doing,
to make you feel better since you've already had a
hard morning.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
I also love that you were talking about having a
hard morning, and it's really comes down to me getting
the wrong bagel order. So I just want to remind
everybody that was my hard morning. And I do realize that.
So that's why I guess in my head, looking back
on it, I would think that you would have been
more annoyed of like seriously, like what the heck.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
I mean again, I kind of sat back and assessed
the situation, and I realized that, like I can give
up some of the time. I knew I was probably
gonna be watching football a good rest of the part
of the day. So the fact that I could take
a little bit of my time to make you feel better,
it was something that you know I was willing to do.
Speaker 3 (31:36):
Okay, So my last question is what did you want
to say that you were too afraid to say to
me that day? And why would you have been afraid
to say that? And I would want you to know
I'm not going to be upset.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
Okay, I thought you were just getting me in here.
Speaker 3 (31:51):
For get it on microphone.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
The initial reaction is, this isn't the biggest of deals,
you know, kind of like we've been alluding to in
this series. It is a bagel, It's a breakfast that
went wrong that you know can be mended. But I
also know that that was what you were you know, again,
that was just represented something you were looking forward to
after putting in the work too.
Speaker 3 (32:18):
But why would you be afraid to actually just say that?
Because I think a lot of I'm glad you say that,
because I think a lot of people that is what
actually gets in the way when these things come up,
is there's something that likes Obviously it's not that big
of a deal, and somebody calls that out and that's
actually not help at all. Like if you were to say, Kat,
it's just a bagel, it's not that big of a deal,
(32:39):
I feel.
Speaker 2 (32:39):
Like that's the I would on the moment you would
have you would have not appreciated it, and maybe you
would have appreciated it later on. Maybe it was that
that immediate negative reaction that I was afraid of receiving.
I guess if I would have said that also I'm
not not great with my words. I'm a numbers guy,
(33:00):
so coming out of my mouth it probably would have
sounded even more insensitive to how you were feeling I
guess certain situation.
Speaker 3 (33:09):
So could this be true that you didn't want to
say that because you, knowing me, know that obviously I
am not an irrational person, and so it was unnecessary
and in time you could say that, But in the moment,
obviously there would be something bigger going on if I
was that upset over something so small.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
And yeah, I mean, I mean, I guess another way
of saying it. You were actually really good at after
a situation is transpired, sitting back and thinking about, you know,
the way you fell in the actions you took, and thinking, hey,
was that the right was that the appropriate reaction there?
And you usually pretty spot on when you think about
it again, so usually usually come to the correct answer
(33:50):
sooner or later. So I didn't want to, I guess
put you in a worse mood at that time, knowing
that you're going to come back and write that, yeah.
Speaker 5 (33:58):
Okay, well I appreciate that that was a very good answer,
And I want you guys to know that you guys
know this from this whole episode and this whole podcast.
Speaker 3 (34:09):
But I'm nowhere near perfect. So Patrick says that, and
that's very kind. And I also sometimes I can't miss things.
Speaker 2 (34:15):
Yeah, I said you were good at it A great.
Speaker 3 (34:19):
My god. Okay, is there anything else you would like
to say?
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Thanks for having me on. I guess you're welcome. Well
all the time listener, first time caller.
Speaker 3 (34:32):
How long you've been listening?
Speaker 2 (34:33):
About a year?
Speaker 3 (34:36):
How long did I make you wait until you could
listen to an episode?
Speaker 2 (34:40):
I don't know, but I definitely snuck a few in
before you told me that, Doctor Patrick, you didn't tell
me I couldn't specifically not listen. Maybe you did. I
did say that, but maybe I don't know.
Speaker 3 (34:50):
Before we missed.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
No, it was after, I mean think it was after
the first or second day. It was was. Yeah, I
listened to a couple.
Speaker 3 (34:58):
Which ones did you listen to?
Speaker 2 (35:00):
I mean the first one I listened to was like
a relationship one?
Speaker 5 (35:04):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (35:05):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (35:06):
Was it me by myself?
Speaker 2 (35:07):
I was just trying to get some kind of.
Speaker 3 (35:09):
Idea of what you know, was it bout myself?
Speaker 2 (35:12):
Yeah, there was a lot of personal stuff on there.
Speaker 3 (35:15):
Wait, which one was it it was? I mean I
did a Valentine's Day one and.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
Maybe that's what it was. It was relationships in general,
and like I remember talking about, like you know, looking
for like a soul mat or a perfect person is
like you take the things that like you find important
most important, and you like prioritize those over you know,
maybe you don't like this thing, you don't like that thing,
but like does that outweigh kind of like you know,
you're you're yeah, I think you were even saying, like
(35:41):
you write a list of like the things you find
important in like someone else and a potential partner, and
it's like, well then you cross some of those off
and you get down to like what are the most two,
three or four maybe, and then you're like, you know,
as long as they have these, I can live without
these being perfect.
Speaker 3 (35:56):
So you guys see that secrets come out when you
have a mic in front of you. Is there anything
else you would like to tell me?
Speaker 2 (36:02):
I don't think I ever lied about about actually listening
when you said not to.
Speaker 3 (36:06):
But I've probably just skirted around that. Well, I'm not
upset with you in case you're wondering, And thank you
for being here. Now that he has done this and
he knows what it's like, you guys should just expect
him to be a regular guest.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Sounds good.
Speaker 3 (36:22):
Okay, wow, you heard it here first. Okay. So while
I see how this story these stories could are entertaining
and I could just make a podcast about telling these
(36:44):
funny stories, that's not the sole reason that I really
am sharing this stuff. The reason I'm telling you, guys
all of this is because I'm sure that most of
you listening are still listening now because I've been rambling
about these stories for a while, because you have a
story or like this as well. You have a memory
of a time when you just broke down over something
(37:06):
similar in the fact that it was so small and
you knew you were being irrational, but you just could
not not be irrational in the moment. And again, what
I think is so interesting about these experiences and the
experience that I had personally, is just that I knew
I was being irrational in the moment, but I could
not stop myself, or I chose not to stop myself. Really,
(37:26):
I wanted so badly to not be bothered by these
things and to be happy and just to go with
a flow, but I could not force myself to do it,
and I do find myself a go with a flow
kind of person in a lot of situations. But I
was just so full of negative energy and I struggled
to actually tune in in the moment. Weirdly enough, I
(37:47):
was planning to sit down and record this episode. I
was procrastinating with some good old fashion scrolling on Instagram
and I stumbled upon this quote that was posted by
Mike Foster, who is somebody I really like to follow.
He is a therapist as well. He used to have
apop cast called Fun Therapy. You can still go listen
to those episodes. Also side note, last week I got
a follow from a Mike Foster two thousand. His Instagram
(38:09):
handle is at Mike Foster two thousand and I got
a follow from him and I was like, what, this
is so cool. I didn't know this person knew I existed,
and so I followed him back and I was so
excited and I showed Patrick later. I was like, you're
not gonna care about this, but look who followed me
on Instagram? Maybe I could get him on the podcast.
And I clicked on his profile and I was like, wait,
somebody is not right because I had to follow him back,
(38:32):
and I was like, I know, I follow him, This
is so weird. Why would I unfollow him? And then
I quickly realized that it was a fake account and
he didn't really follow me. It was a scam, So
that was upsetting. But Mike Foster, if you're out there
and you want to follow me, I already follow you.
I would love it. Also loved to have you on
the podcast. But anyway, so I was sitting down and
I was getting ready to record this. I was scrolling
and I saw a quote that he posted, and the
(38:54):
quote he posted was my most frequent complaint toward my partner,
A loved one, revealed my greatest emotional need, not their
greatest flaw. And then in his caption, he wrote this, Lately,
I've been trying to tune in more to my reactions
to others, especially when these reactions are filled with frustration, criticism,
(39:14):
or anger. I'm getting more curious about why I'm so
bothered by something someone said or did. Sometimes it's people
I know, and sometimes it's people I don't, but either way,
something gets stirred up inside of me. What has been
so fascinating is to see how little it has to
do with them and more to do with me. These
negative reactions to people are giving me an opportunity to
(39:36):
empower some healthy self reflection. It shows me how much
work I still have to do and the things inside
of me that still need to be healed. I've been
using this question a lot. I wonder what's going on there?
This little question is a great tool to help me
excavate and process unhealed parts inside of me. And whether
it's my negative reaction to what my wife did or
(39:58):
a complete stranger, this is an opportunity for me to
explore something broken in me. Okay, So I love that,
and I think it's so crazy that I read that
literally as I was about to sit down and talk
about this with you guys today. And I love the
question I wonder what's going on there? If I were
to ask that question within each of my breakdown experiences,
(40:20):
I bet I would find a lot out about what
was happening inside of me rather than being angry about
something that somebody else did that was wrong. And remember,
using words like wonder and curious are super helpful tools
to help shift from a judgmental space to a space
that is open for understanding and discovery, So I wonder
(40:41):
what was going on there. I've been sitting down this
morning and ask for myself, like I wonder what was
going on there? I will say there's more for me
to process and for me to uncover and talk about
with my own therapists in this situation. But what I
do know is that I lost control of the experiences
that I wanted to have in all of those situations.
With the pajamas, I imagined as sarting this new tradition
(41:01):
for ourselves that my mom started when I was a kid.
And this was actually the first Christmas that I was
ever going to spend with a serious significant other, and
I had some exciting expectations for what I wanted to
be like. And yes, Patrick told me he liked the pajamas,
but he told me he liked the pajamas despite the
fact they weren't Christmas pajamas. And that's not the experience
(41:22):
I wanted to have. I wanted to have an experience
of starting this tradition of Christmas pajamas, and I did
not receive that experience that I had set up in
my head. And with the bagel, I was so excited
to go out and get some of our favorite things
and then sit down and have a perfect first morning
of the year. And the mornings are my favorite time
of the day, like I said, especially on the weekend,
(41:42):
when we get to decide exactly how we want them
to go. And I was already frustrated because I had
spent so much time driving, which is why I included
the times of driving, and I was worried about losing
more time, losing more part of the morning that I
wanted to be spending doing something other than driving around
Fine in a bagel. And then when I got home
and realized that I lost my favorite part of the
(42:03):
day and I didn't even get the bagel, I felt
like I was robbed of an experience that I wanted
to have. I felt cheated, and what I probably wanted
in that moment was somebody to fix it, somebody to
make it better. And Patrick even asked if he wanted
me to fix it, and I said no, because him
fixing my current issue would then take away again from
(42:25):
the experience that I wanted to have, which I wanted
to go do something nice for him and then have
this moment. Patrick wasn't doing anything wrong technically. The second
bagel shop did something wrong, But on any average day,
I don't I think that would be annoying, but I
would not get tears in my eyes and cry over it.
And really, at the end of the situation, I was
(42:45):
unable to ask for what I wanted, and then I
was unable to get exactly what I wanted, and I
could not accept anything other than what I had envisioned
in my head. I was stuck on trying to control
the experience that I wanted versus finding value and experience
I was having. Now, this is where I wish I
was able to ask myself the question that Donald Miller
(43:06):
taught us on Amy's podcast for Things that they may
brown when we got to interview Donald Miller. Great episode
if you haven't listened to that one yet, but he
taught us to ask questions that include, what does this
make possible when things don't go our way? To get
us out of this victim mindset, because oh my god,
I was a victim of freaking bagel bait and this
(43:28):
would have made a lot of things possible, and eventually
it did. It did make a lot of things possible.
A friend of mine was able to show up, and
I want to say help me in the time of
need by getting getting me a bagel. But that seems
so dramatic. But a friend of mine was able to
show up and do something nice for me. We could
have had a different experience that morning. Maybe I could
have made something for breakfast. Maybe I mean, right now,
(43:51):
it's not really worth going through what that could have
made possible. But I want next time to be able
to ask, what does this make possible? So I'm not
getting an experience that I wanted, but what experience is
are still available to me even if they weren't the
ones that I initially chose. And when we have emotional
breakdowns over small things that logically we know aren't that
big of a deal, it can be due to a
(44:11):
lot of reasons. I don't want ever to pigeonhole you
guys into that if this happens, that must mean that
this is going on, because again, this can be due
to a lot of different reasons that are include but
are not limited to harboring resentment. Sometimes we have these
experiences because we're holding in thoughts and feelings that we're
scared to share. Maybe sometimes we're triggering past trauma. Sometimes
(44:34):
we have a lack of sleep or nutrition, which results
in a lack of cognitive function, and our logic brain
is in workinness as well as we'd like it to.
And so I share all of this and I tell
you the story, and I talk through this with you guys.
Because I know that a lot of you have these experiences.
I want to encourage us all to ask that simple question,
(44:55):
what is going on here? I wonder what is going
on here? Versus this is what you're doing. And if
you just did this, I would be fine. If they
just did that, I would be fine. It allows us
a space to break free from a little maybe unconscious
codependency where I'm okay if you're okay, or if that's okay,
I'm okay. I can still be okay when the world
(45:16):
is not going as I planned. But in order to
find that space, a lot of times we need to
ask the question, I wonder what is going on here?
So we can kind of work ourselves back from that.
So I love being able to look back and laugh
at these situations, and I think that's important. I think
we need to find humor in some of these things,
and it's a healing agent. And at the same time,
(45:37):
it's also important to learn from these things, because if
I don't, if I don't pay attention to these types
of situations, I miss an opportunity to learn about myself.
I miss an opportunity to learn about the world. And
I set myself up to allow this to happen over
and over and over and over again. And so, like
I said, I still have some more digging to do
about these situations, and they're still learning to be done here,
(46:00):
but I also already am in a space where I
can set myself up better next time. The next time
I'm putting pressure on myself or the people around me
to have a certain experience, I can remind myself that
a lot of things can happen. I can have a
lot of different versions of an experience, and all those
versions can be good, even if they're not the versions
that I had imagined in my head, And unmet expectations
(46:23):
don't necessarily mean you will be having a bad time.
And another thing I'm taking from this is it's okay
to ask for what you want even if it throws
your plan off, which I think might be a tough
one for me, but I'm gonna practice it. What I
think is really cool and helpful again for me to
accept this understanding that just because the experience isn't what
I imagined, it can still be good. What I think
(46:45):
is really cool is that my brain is a lot
smaller than the world. Right. There are so many things
that my brain cannot imagine or come up with or
think of those aren't in there yet, and so just
because it's not the thing that's in my brain, it
doesn't mean it's not even gonna be better, you know,
or eventually be better. So that's pretty helpful for me
when it comes to that stuff, and maybe it can
(47:05):
be helpful for you as well. But I hope that
what you have gained from listening to this episode is
some laughter and entertainment and also an opportunity for you
to spend a little more time digging in and wondering
what's going on with you as well, rather than blaming
the world for our bad attitudes and our misfortune. Because again,
(47:27):
I want to read that quote from Mike Foster because
it was so freaking good. And this quote isn't from him,
he says unknown after the quote, just so you know,
but the caption that I read was from him. The
quote is my most frequent complaint towards my partner or
loved one, reveals my greatest emotional need, not their greatest flaw,
bringing it back to us. Healthy communication, healthy discovery, all
(47:50):
of that. So, I hope you guys are having the
day you need to have. I hope you are getting
the bagel order that you need to get. And the
truth is that might not be the one that you ordered.
Speaker 2 (48:07):
H
Okay, cats up little food for yourself life. Oh it's
pretty bad. Hey, it's pretty beautiful, beautiful that for a
little more.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
It's exciting.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Said he can cut your.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Kicking with four Thing.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
With Amy Brown.
Speaker 4 (00:32):
Happy Thursday, four Things Amy here. Kind of crazy to
say that, so the last time, well that I'm going
to say it. If you missed our announcement on Tuesday,
four Things is getting a makeover. We're evolving here and
it's definitely a good thing. Everything will remain on the
same podcast feed, so same feed, new name, and Kat
(00:54):
is joining as a full time co host after being
my fifth Thing co host for years now. She'll now
be here for every episode every Tuesday, every Thursday. Episodes
will still load on those days and Kat will be
by my side again. Everything will be on the speed,
but you'll see new artwork with me and Kat on
it and our new podcast name, which is Feeling Things
(01:16):
with Amy and Kat and Walker Hayes, who did my
four Things theme song, wrote us a new one for
Feeling Things, and I love it so much. We played
it on Tuesday when we did the announcement, but I
want to play it again. It's real quick. It's like
twenty seconds long, and it's our feeling things jingle and
I just want to play it again and get you
excited for next Tuesday, which will be our very first episode.
(01:39):
So take it away, Walker, good. All right, break it down.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
If you ever have feelings that you just wons maybe
and Cat gotcha Covin locking a brother, Ladies and folks,
do you just follow Anna Spear where it's all the
real stuff to the chill stuff and him. Sometimes the
best thing you can do it just you feel. This
(02:07):
is feeling things with Amy and Kat.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
I love it.
Speaker 4 (02:10):
The more I listen to it, the more it just
makes me smile. I'm so excited for this change, so
huge thank you to Walker for that. This whole thing
has been about seven months or so in the making,
like the flip or the makeover, the rebrand or whatever
we want to call it, so finally announcing it on
Tuesday was really exciting. So many of you have been
(02:33):
loyal listeners since the beginning, and I'm forever grateful. I
hope that you continue to listen and connect with us
and you stay the course with the change. Like sometimes
change is just weird for people and they're like, eh,
I'm not into it. But I hope that you see
it as something awesome and it's just part of us
(02:53):
evolving here and that you're evolving yourself, and.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Hopefully you evolve. You evolved with us.
Speaker 4 (02:57):
This change reflects we've grown and where we're going. There's
going to be more honest conversations, more laughter, more depth,
more stories, and well being. That it's called Feeling Things.
Definitely more feelings. So again, I know I keep using
that word evolve and evolution, but just think of it
as a natural evolution of everything that we've already been
(03:20):
building together. Because you're a part of this too. You're
a part of building this podcast, So thank you for
being a part of this with us. Tuesday episodes with
Kat are going to be Kat and I'm just talking mostly.
Occasionally we'll have an interview, but you'll find out on
April first that Tuesday, like I said, it's going to
be our first episode. Our debut episode is Feeling Things,
(03:41):
So give it a listen. You'll see what that is
going to be like, and who knows, it may evolve
over time. Four Things definitely had different stages. For sure,
we're still trying to figure a lot out. But for
Thursday episodes, that's where you come in. We want to
hear from you. And I do have an update on
our new email address though, because on Tuesday we shared
that it was Hello at Feeling Things podcast dot com
(04:03):
and that's what we thought it was, but we were
caught up in the moment and forgot that that wasn't
available or we couldn't get it or something, so we
had to get Hey, there at Feeling Things podcast dot com.
So that is our email address, and we want to
hear from you because we want to do Q and a's.
We want topic suggestions from y'all. If you listen to
(04:25):
cats podcast called You Need Therapy, she had an episode
each week that she called couch Talks where she answered
listener questions and so Feeling Things is adopting that. So
our Thursday episodes are going to be our couch talk
episodes where we go over your emails and questions. And
again that'll be every Thursday, so you can email us.
Starting emailing us now, Hey there at Feeling Things podcast
(04:47):
dot com. Can't wait to start reading those. Speaking of cats,
You Need Therapy podcast, one of my favorite episodes she
ever put up is about the time that she cried
over a Bagel.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
We even talked about it on.
Speaker 4 (05:01):
The Fifth Thing, It wasn't in the way that she
talked about it on You Need Therapy, where she also
offered wisdom and advice around it, which I mean, I
think she did a little bit on the Fifth Thing,
but she goes more into depth. But her bageld tears
showed her what she needed. And if we're paying attention
to moments like this for ourselves, we too can get
(05:23):
information about our needs, you know. And it's like the
question of why do small inconveniences sometimes take away our
ability to utilize our rational thinking and drive us to
make these mountains out of molehills? Like what is underneath
our inability to regulate our emotions in those moments? And
(05:43):
that's what Kat is breaking down in this episode that
I'm gonna.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Play for you.
Speaker 4 (05:47):
She talks about how she processed her dramatic moment, and
she even brings Patrick on to give his take on
what he saw going on as it was unfolding. Now,
Patrick was her boyfriend at the time and now they've
been married for a year, so the Bagel situation happened
a while ago. But I just feel like it's the
perfect episode to get to know Kat better, so I
(06:08):
hope you enjoy it. You'll learn how to gain information
about your needs during experiences when it feels like your
disappointment is someone else's fault. But if you're paying attention,
you might learn a little bit about what you really need.
So here is an episode of You Need Therapy with
Kat titled how crying over a bagel can show us
(06:31):
what we need if we pay attention.
Speaker 3 (06:38):
Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You
Need Therapy podcast. My name is Kat, I am the host,
and I am so glad you're here. Before we get
started today, a quick reminder that although this is a
podcast that is hosted by a therapist and it's called
You Need Therapy, this podcast does not serve as a
replacement or substitute for actual mental health services. However, it
(06:59):
can help you whatever journey you were on. I thought
that we would use this episode as a little chance
for me to tell a story, a recent story from
my own life that led me to a reminder of
something that I logically know but sometimes forget to apply
to my life when I am in some emotional spaces.
(07:20):
Because you guys know this, I talk about this all
the time. I'm a therapist, I goes to therapy. I'm
a therapist who also has to ask for help, which
should be every therapist. And although we have a lot
of information in our brain and we can help people
access that information, sometimes when it is you, it's harder
to take a step back and see the big picture.
(07:40):
So I thought I would tell you today a story
of when I cried about assessame bagel. And this happened
on Sunday, January first, so not that long ago. I
woke up, as I usually do, pretty early on this Sunday,
and I couldn't go back to sleep, which is not
(08:00):
an issue for me. I like getting up earlier. I
like seizing the day. The mornings are my favorite part
of the day. And I had this wonderful idea to
go get my boyfriend breakfast, because one I wanted breakfast,
but also he very often will be the one to
get up and go run an errand or do something
which is very kind, and I really appreciate that about him.
But I thought, hey, what better way to start the
(08:24):
new year than to do something kind for somebody else.
So I said, Patrick, I'm going to get you a bagel,
because you love bagels, and he loves bagels from a
specific place. But I was like, I think we should
try something new. I think we should try a more
local spot, see if we can, you know, do like
a bagel tour maybe, and then find the actual best
bagel in Nashville, even though he swears by these bagels.
(08:46):
So I did some research. I found one that was
fifteen minutes away from my house, which is not really
a fart way, but I also like going places that
are five minutes away because I think, oh, it's fifteen
minutes there, then it's fifteen minutes back. I also, I'm
probably going to send fifteen mons and it's in the
store at least getting what I need. So that's forty
five minutes, which like rounds up to an hour, and
that's an hour of my day, and so it just
seems I get a little anxious about time. So anyway,
(09:10):
I bet the bullet and I was like, I'm gonna
do it because these bagels amazing. So I get in
my car, I drive to this bagel place. Pretty easy
to get there, not a lot of people on the road.
And I get there and I park and I look
across the street into the store and I noticed that
all the lights are off, and I think to myself, well,
it is January first, and a lot of businesses take
off on January first, so I imagine that this place
(09:32):
is closed. And then I saw a couple other people
walk up to it and then walk away, so I
quickly learned this place is closed. I was like, no
big deal, just changing plans a little bit. So we're
going to go to the original bagel place because I
know that place is open. I checked it on Google.
I text my boyfriend and I say, hey, this place
is closed. I'm going to be a little longer. I'm
gonna drive to the other bagel place. And it was
(09:54):
seventeen minutes from where I currently was, so make seventeen
minutes away. So I'm gonna be a little longer, but
send me your order. He's like, okay, thank you so much,
Like he was so appreciative. He wouldn't have even cared
if I just came home and I didn't get anything.
We would have just had cereal and been happy. So
he's like, thank you so much. This is what I
want if you go. So I drive there and listen
to some good music. I'm feeling good I'm feeling fine.
(10:15):
Not ideal, but I also stopped at McDonald's and got
some diet cokes and hash browns, because what better way
to eat a bagel than with a McDonald's diet coach,
which coke, which is the healer of all healing things.
So I get there and I walk in and there
are two people in there too, like customers. One was
walking out as I was walking in, and then there
(10:36):
was one person waiting for their food and I walk
in right away they asked me what my order is.
I give them my order. I'm a little thrown off
because I don't understand the way they're doing things. It
seems a little chaotic, like I ordered somewhere where I
guess normally you wouldn't order, and then there's nobody at
the register, but normally you would order at the register.
I just was a little thrown off of like how
is this working? So I order and I say I
(10:58):
need a sesame by with butter, and then an everything
bagel with whatever Patrick's order was, which was like a
just basic thing off of the menu, like a sandwich.
And right away she goes, you said, oh, what bagel
with butter? And I said, as sesame bagel, and she said, okay.
All of a sudden, right after I order, literally I
(11:19):
counted seventeen people came in. I don't know if there
are teenagers or like twenty year olds. I don't I
can never tell ages of people anymore, but I was
like a younger group of kids, and it was a
huge group. There's seventeen of them. And then after they
came in, other people started to come in, and so
a line started to form out of the door, and
I was like, whoa. That was literally God getting here
at the exact right time. So right after that happens,
(11:41):
this girl, the girl that walked in when I was walking,
or walked out when I was walking in, walks into
the bagel shop and she has a bag on her
hand and she said, hey, I asked for an avocado
bagel with cheese and bacon, and you just put avocado
on this. And they're very confused by her. She had
a repeat herself like three times, and then finally the
(12:02):
person that made her bagel was like, what's the problem
and she told her and she just was like, well,
I didn't know that that's what you wanted, which I'm
sure she was stressed. There's a lot of people in there.
I probably would have handled that a little differently and
that's okay. And so you could tell the girl was
getting a little frushrated. And she's like, well, can I
just have the bagel I ordered and the bagel that
I paid for? So she's waiting there. I'm waiting there
(12:23):
for my bagels. Time goes by, the woman hands me
my bagel and then walks off. I'm sitting there confused
of like, okay, do I just take this? Is it free?
Or like how do I pay? Because there's nobody at
the register. And then right after they had me my bagel,
they handed the girl her bag back and she opens
it and she immediately goes there's no bagel in here.
(12:44):
And the woman was like what, shes well, there's no
bagel in the bag you gave me, And she said, well,
I thought you just needed bacon for your bagel, and
she said, no, you took my bagel to remain make
my bagel. Now I don't have a bagel and I
just have bacon. And she looked at it and she goes, well,
I didn't know that, which was very confusing to me.
So the girl's getting frustrated, the woman starts remaking her bagel.
(13:06):
I guess, and then finally a couple of minutes later,
somebody comes out of the register and starts like ringing
me up or asking what I ordered. And it was
a chaotic place. I have so much compassion for being
in a chaotic place. There's gonna be a line, there's
gonna be that normally somebody might approach that situation. But
thank you for being patient, or sorry about the line,
(13:27):
or really thank you for being patient. It's the best
way to handle that because I didn't have an issue waiting.
It was really that I just was confused. I didn't
know what was going on. So they're a little bit
rude bringing me up, and I just was like, whatever,
it's the new year. Who knows what happened to these
people last night, if they had a rough night or
a good night, or maybe something happened in their lives recently,
and they're just having a hard time. So I'm gonna
(13:48):
leave with my bagels and I'm gonna be happy. I'm
gonna go home and I'm gonna eat my bag with Patrick,
and we're gonna have a wonderful first day of the
new year. So I get back in my car, knowing
that I showed up probably checked my order after watching
What Happened with the girl with the avocado bacon bagel,
and then just got bacon. But I was just in
a rush. I wanted to get back to Patrick. I
(14:09):
wanted to eat my bagel. I was excited. I could
tell there's two bagels in there, so I just was like,
let's go. So I drove fifteen minutes home and was
so excited about all the goodies. I had the hash rounds,
I had the diet Cokes and I brought them to
Patrick and we were opening up our stuff and I
was explaining, like the chaos, kind of laughing it off,
like that was crazy. That place is so inefficient. I
don't understand it. And I opened up my bagel, knowing
(14:33):
that I ordered a sess me a bagel with butter,
but probably the easiest order anybody could ever have other
than getting up plaining bagel with butter, and I noticed
that there's like a lot of butter on it, and
I'm like, oh, I guess I'm gonna have to go
downstairs and get a knife to spread this because it's
just like a big chunk of like white. So I
opened up my bagel and then I see that this
was not a big chunk of butter. It was a huge,
(14:53):
massive glob of cream cheese. I had chunks of something
in it. It was like red, and so I imagine
that it's peppers or tomatoes or something. But there's chunks
of something in the cream cheese. And I lost my mind.
When I lose my mind, I don't get super loud
all the time. I wasn't yelling, I was anything. I
(15:14):
just lost control of which we never really have control
of emotions. But I just lost control of my emotions
and my excitement, and I became very upset very quick,
and I said, oh my gosh, this has cream cheese
on it. I can't eat this. I slammed bagel, shutting
through it on the floor, and I was so upset,
(15:35):
and I was also really hungry at this point. And
you know, I do realize how silly this is, just
so you know we're going to get to that point.
But I remember wanting to throw things. I just wanted
to be so mad. I was so mad at this
bagel place, and then I was mad at Patrick. And
he did nothing wrong. He he offered to go get
me the right bagel. He was like, do want me
to go back and get what you ordered? And I
(15:57):
said no, because if you do that, it defeats the
purpose of me trying to go do something nice for you.
And I just tried to do something nice for you
and how to have a good morning, and this is
what happens. And I can't even eat that, And how
hard is it to just make? I mean, I was
so mad. And then I got even more mad because
he was sitting there because he offered to do something.
So he was like, I guess I'll eat my bagel.
(16:17):
So he was sitting there enjoying his bagel on diet coke,
and I was just pissed, like pissed off. So eventually
I just get up, throw the covers off, stomp downstairs. Yes,
we were eating in bed, which might be gross to
you guys. I totally understand that, and if you judge me,
that's okay. I have no issue with it. So I
summed downstairs, and we had made a plan to clean
(16:38):
the kitchen and then go grocery shopping to get ourselves
set up for the new year. We had made a budget.
We were excited to start like cooking at home, and
so I wasn't so excited to do that, but I
was like, I guess I'll just clean the kitchen by
myself since Patrick's just up there eating a bagel. Meanwhile,
like I brought him the bagel to eat, and I
remember wanting to slam things, but I have those like
(17:02):
soft closing drawers, so you can't slam them. So I
kept trying to slam the drawer, but then the drawer
would get caught on whatever it is that keeps it
from slamming. So then I got even more mad. And
so I have a kitchen appliants that has a couple
of pieces and I just like throw it into the
pantry to like make noise. I just wanted to release something,
which is that's totally normal and healthy. I probably should
(17:26):
have punched some pillows or gone and throw rocks or
ice or screened into a pillow, but I was taking
it out on anything in the kitchen. And so then
I start doing the dishes, and of course I'm stewing
it and creating more anger and resentment towards Patrick because
he's not helping me, even though he's eating the bag
Why I bought him and then he comes downstairs eventually,
and he's tiptoeing down the stairs, and then he comes
(17:48):
in the kitchen and starts, you know, trying to put
some of the dishes away. He quietly grabs a dish
towel starts to dry the dishes that I'm cleaning. And
it just was pissing me off that he was there.
And he went and got dressed and he can marry.
He was like, I'm going to go to the grocery store,
and I was like, you can't go to the grocery store.
We didn't even make a list. I'm like so angry.
At this point, He's like, well, I would like to
(18:10):
go now. I don't mind going now. I want to
do that before it gets too late because I want
to watch some the football games today. And oh my god,
that sentence through me, Oh, you want to go now
when it's convenient for you, so you can watch football games, player,
so you can have a good day again. All of
my logic was turned off at this point. My emotional
brain was just rereaking havoc all over the place. So
(18:33):
sometime goes by. My friend ends up ordering me a
bagel from another place down the road. That I actually
wanted to go to it initially. And so we sit
down and I'm like, I know I'm being a rational Patrick,
but I would like to go to the grocery store together.
I would like to make a list. It didn't happen
this nicely. It took some more settling down of me,
and I don't think I said it exactly this way,
(18:54):
but the gist of what I said was, I want
to make a list. I want to make a plan
for the week for food, and then I want to
go together, Like I want to go to the grocery
store together. I don't want this to just be me
going to the grocery store to get food for you
and us, obviously, so you can sit home and watch
football day, which is a whole other story. People out
there whose partners love watching hours and hours and hours
(19:17):
of football on the weekends. We're going to create a
support group. But anyway, so then he's like, okay, I'll
go to the store with you. It's fine, And I
was like, okay, well, I have to wait for this
bagel now that Kellen, my friend Kellen had got me,
and I knew he was getting antsy because he's like, well,
if we go get the bagel, and then what if
you have to sit and talk to your friend, and
then it's going to take us longer to the grocery store,
and I want to get back by a certain point
because I knew he was going to the grocery store
(19:38):
to appease me, but he really wanted to be at
home watching football. So we get in the car, we
go to get the bagel, and I could just tell
he didn't want to be there. So what I did
then I gave nobody any solution to get out of
this safely. So I said, I don't want you to
go to the grocery store if you don't want to
go to the grocery store with me. I don't want
(19:59):
you to the grocery store with me if you would
rather be at home watching football. He was like, well,
I don't know what to tell you. I will go
to the grocery store with you, but obviously I would
rather be watching football. I said, then you then don't come.
So I dropped him off to his car because his
car was at a friend's house near my friend Kellen,
who had got me the bagel. And I said, well,
then you can't don't come with me. So he gets
(20:19):
out of the car quietly, and then he comes over
to the other side of the car and he taps
on the window and I roll it down and he
just says I love you, and I said I love
you too, and I'm really mad at you right now.
He was like, I don't know what you want me
to do, and I said, well, you can't. You can't.
I just want you to know that you can't win,
(20:40):
because if you come with me and you're up, you're upset,
then you don't want to be there. I'm going to
be mad at you, and if you don't come with me,
I'm also going to be mad at you. He was like, okay, well,
I don't know what to do. I'm just gonna come
with you. And I was like, okay, realizing in this moment,
I'm making this worse, so I'm like, okay, just come
with me. Whatever. So he actually drove the grocery store
separately in his car, and then I drove in my
(21:00):
car to the grocery store and I had some alone
time to think, and I was like, Catherine, you know
you're being a rational right now. You know in time,
you're not going to feel this way. You have an
opportunity to go grocery shopping with Patrick and have a
good time and enjoy yourself, or you can be mean
to him. Those are your options. And so I said, Okay,
I'm going to apologize when I get there. I'm going
(21:22):
to tell him I'm in a bad mood and I'm
working on getting out of that bad mood, but I
just can't snap out of it. It's going to take
me a second. So I did that. He said, okay,
we actually had a fine time at the grocery store.
It wasn't the best time, but a fine time. So
(21:46):
that was my day of It was literally probably from
nine o'clock to probably one or two, where this bagel
had just taken over my first day of the new year,
and there was a lot of feelings. There were some
tears in my eyes, and there was a lot of
I wanted to laugh at myself, but I couldn't because
then I would be mad at myself for laughing myself.
(22:07):
So as I am recounting this experience later that day
with friends, and I told the story on the fifth
Thing with Amy Brown that evening, I started to remember
and pull up the memories that because this is not
an isolated event, and I started to remember a couple
other times recently that this has happened, And there was
(22:31):
one similar situation a couple months ago where Patrick had
actually gotten up and gone to get me. I really
wanted a power Aid slush. It just sounded so good
to me. He went up and got me a poweried
slush from Sonic. I ordered on the app. I downloaded
the app just so I could order it and get
a half price because side note pro tip if you
order drinks on the app from Sonic happy hours all
(22:52):
the time, so you can always get a half price drink,
which is very clutch. So I ordered on the app.
He got food. We probably would not have gotten food
from Sonic because that's not my preferred breakfast food, although
Sonic is so good. But I wanted powered slush, so
that's what we did. So we went and got it,
picked it up, he brought it to me. It was
not a power aided slush. It was a huge power
(23:13):
Aid and Patrick didn't understand what the big deal was.
And I was like, I can't drink this, and also
I don't want this. This is very different than what
I wanted, and I could not get over it I
again tears in my eyes. Was so upset. I actually
went as far to writing a email to Sonic's customer service,
and in the email it even said I wish I
(23:33):
could pull it up. But in the meal, I told
him what happened, like I ordered this and then I
came home and this is what I got. And I
do realize that this is not that big of a deal,
and I am being a little bit dramatic, but I
can't help it. And I just needed an outlet to
share my feelings. I'm not even asking for anything. I
just like wanted to tell somebody. They actually did give
me a free drink, so it worked really in my
(23:54):
favorite and Patrick also went back and got the actual
drink and Sonics like five that's from our house. So
that happened, and it was like so wild, like it's
not again small potatoes. And then more recently than that,
I think it was the end of the end of
November or early December. I had gotten some Christmas pajamas
for Patrick and I. I was doing some shopping and
(24:16):
noticed that Old Navy had their Christmas pajamas out and
I was like, oh, I got to get those now,
because I know they sell out, and so I go
and I'm trying to find a pattern that would appease
both Patrick and I because he's more picky and I
don't know if you would wear certain things that I
would wear, and I wanted them to match, and then
you had to find the same thing that had my
(24:36):
size and his size. So I got these pajamas and
I got home and I put them upstairs and I
told them I have a surprise for you. They're upstairs.
Go check it out. And my mom used to always
do this, but she would give them to us on
Christmas Eve, and I was gonna do that, but then
I was like, wait, we could wear these pajamas all
December and they can be like our Christmas pajamas. So
we gets them and he's excited and we put them
(24:58):
on later that night and he's like, just so you know,
these aren't Christmas pajamas. And I was like, excuse me.
He said, yeah, so I like these and I love them.
Thank you for buying them for me, but these aren't
Christmas pajamas. These are just pajamas. And they were the
buffalo check, like black, like the plaid. It was just
black and white. And when I tell you I lost
(25:21):
again my mind. I lost my mind. I was so
distraught I refused to put mine on. I actually put
them back in the bag and said, well, you can
return these because I'm not going to wear them anymore,
and you now are responsible for going to find us
Christmas pajamas because apparently I can't do that correctly. I mean,
this is so outside of how I normally act. And
then he went downstairs to I think we'll watch a
(25:42):
movie or something. I think he thought I was coming,
and I just got in bed and started reading my
book and wouldn't go downstairs. And then a little later
he came upstairs and he was like, I what is wrong?
And I told him how said I was, and he apologized,
and I just couldn't get over it. I said, I
appreciate your apology and I do accept it, but I
(26:03):
can't get over this and I'm not gonna be able
to wear those pajamas, and so I do need you
to return them. He was like, okay, I'm so sorry,
and we'll get to more of that as we carry on,
but before we do that, I actually thought it would
be interesting to get Patrick. And for some of you,
you know him as big p from when we talk
about him on the Fifth Thing with Amy on her
(26:25):
podcast Four Things with Amy Brown. I thought it'd be
interesting to get his perspective on what he thought was
going on and how he was feeling as these couple
of events were happening, because, like I said, they're outside
of my norm and they were very small things that
set me off versus really big things. So I'm gonna
go get Patrick and then we're going to talk to
(26:45):
him really quick about this. I have Patrick here in
the flesh. This is his You Need Therapy debut, This
is his podcast debut, This is any other kind of
debut having right now. Okay, all right, So how do
you feel feel good? Okay? He feels good?
Speaker 2 (27:06):
All right.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
So I brought him here because I wanted before I
went into the why and what was going on and
what I discovered about my own feelings and behavior, I
wanted you guys to get a perspective of what might
the other person that's in that situation with you be thinking.
And I'm also curious what he was thinking as well,
just for myself. So we're going to start with this.
(27:30):
The Bagel situation was not the first time that I've
had a reaction to a small a seemingly small thing.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
Oh no, no, no.
Speaker 3 (27:39):
So I want to know what was going on in
your head when I was initially upset about the bagel,
because what I remember is I gave you your bagel,
and you were so excited to eat it, and you
got right into having Okay, so you're having your nice
time over there, and then I was upset. And I
don't even know in the beginning if you've realized how
(28:01):
upset I was.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
I mean, I feel like I can kind of see
it on your face most of the time.
Speaker 3 (28:06):
Now when you're looking at me, though I.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
Was looking at the bagel. Yeah, I think I I
could just feel your uh negative, yeah, just just radiating
off of you.
Speaker 3 (28:17):
When you were eating your bagel, and I was mad.
What were you thinking. Were you thinking she's being dramatic?
Were you thinking like, oh shit, I don't know what
to do.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
I knew it was an interesting situation already because of
all the troubles you had to get to that bagel
that morning, Thank you. I knew it was hard to
that point in the day because of the journey you
had to get there. Yes, what was this the second bagel? Place?
That you had gone to.
Speaker 3 (28:41):
Yeah, and they're on opposite sides of town.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
You were texting me. I could feel the negative energy
through the phone. I guess.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
So you weren't thinking she's psychotic.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
No, I mean psychotics not the right word. Now what
I have acted that way? I would have been disappointed
for sure, especially when you're you got to that point
of like, okay, journey's over, I'm here with my bagel, yes,
like the payoff is here, yeah, and then you open
it up and it's not exactly as you've seen, not
only not exactly as you've seen, something that you would
(29:12):
not eat.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
Oh yeah, I don't even think I said that earlier.
A cream cheese grosses me out. So I couldn't just
like scrape it off or be like, oh I didn't
get I wanted, but I'll have this. I like was repulsed.
So that was pretty upsetting. So that happens, and then
the day goes on and we get into the situation
where I'm trying to go to the grocery store and
I want you to come, but I want you to
want to come. You don't want to come, but you'll come,
(29:34):
And I am putting you in a possible situation.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
So at that point, well, and there's there's reasons behind
that too. I you know, I like watching NFL football,
and I was kind of getting excited for that part
of the day where you know, the red zone countdown
starts and you're ready to watch all the games and.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
The Devil's TV Show.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
I had offered to go to the store get all
the things we needed prior to this start of the games,
but no, you were like, we want to do together,
which is fine, which is good. I just wish we
would have jumped on that opportunity earlier than when it
got to eleven forty five in the games start at twelve.
Speaker 3 (30:16):
Left. I hate the red zone, okay, but were you not?
I guess my thing what I'm thinking about is when
you got out of the car and I was like,
you're not coming with me? I want to know, because
I very much knew that I was putting you on
a possible situation. But were you still in that space
of oh, I get why she's upset, or you like seriously.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
It was more about like I knew you were upset,
and you had some valid reasons to be upset, and
in my mind, it was like you know, it doesn't
take much for me to spend a little time, take
a little time out of what I was planning on doing,
to make you feel better since you've already had a
hard morning.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
I also love that you were talking about having a
hard morning, and it's really comes down to me getting
the wrong bagel order. So I just want to remind
everybody that was my hard morning. And I do realize that.
So that's why I guess in my head, looking back
on it, I would think that you would have been
more annoyed of like seriously, like what the heck.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
I mean again, I kind of sat back and assessed
the situation, and I realized that, like I can give
up some of the time. I knew I was probably
gonna be watching football a good rest of the part
of the day. So the fact that I could take
a little bit of my time to make you feel better,
it was something that you know I was willing to do.
Speaker 3 (31:36):
Okay, So my last question is what did you want
to say that you were too afraid to say to
me that day? And why would you have been afraid
to say that? And I would want you to know
I'm not going to be upset.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
Okay, I thought you were just getting me in here.
Speaker 3 (31:51):
For get it on microphone.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
The initial reaction is, this isn't the biggest of deals,
you know, kind of like we've been alluding to in
this series. It is a bagel, It's a breakfast that
went wrong that you know can be mended. But I
also know that that was what you were you know, again,
that was just represented something you were looking forward to
after putting in the work too.
Speaker 3 (32:18):
But why would you be afraid to actually just say that?
Because I think a lot of I'm glad you say that,
because I think a lot of people that is what
actually gets in the way when these things come up,
is there's something that likes Obviously it's not that big
of a deal, and somebody calls that out and that's
actually not help at all. Like if you were to say, Kat,
it's just a bagel, it's not that big of a deal,
(32:39):
I feel.
Speaker 2 (32:39):
Like that's the I would on the moment you would
have you would have not appreciated it, and maybe you
would have appreciated it later on. Maybe it was that
that immediate negative reaction that I was afraid of receiving.
I guess if I would have said that also I'm
not not great with my words. I'm a numbers guy,
(33:00):
so coming out of my mouth it probably would have
sounded even more insensitive to how you were feeling I
guess certain situation.
Speaker 3 (33:09):
So could this be true that you didn't want to
say that because you, knowing me, know that obviously I
am not an irrational person, and so it was unnecessary
and in time you could say that, But in the moment,
obviously there would be something bigger going on if I
was that upset over something so small.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
And yeah, I mean, I mean, I guess another way
of saying it. You were actually really good at after
a situation is transpired, sitting back and thinking about, you know,
the way you fell in the actions you took, and thinking, hey,
was that the right was that the appropriate reaction there?
And you usually pretty spot on when you think about
it again, so usually usually come to the correct answer
(33:50):
sooner or later. So I didn't want to, I guess
put you in a worse mood at that time, knowing
that you're going to come back and write that, yeah.
Speaker 5 (33:58):
Okay, well I appreciate that that was a very good answer,
And I want you guys to know that you guys
know this from this whole episode and this whole podcast.
Speaker 3 (34:09):
But I'm nowhere near perfect. So Patrick says that, and
that's very kind. And I also sometimes I can't miss things.
Speaker 2 (34:15):
Yeah, I said you were good at it A great.
Speaker 3 (34:19):
My god. Okay, is there anything else you would like
to say?
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Thanks for having me on. I guess you're welcome. Well
all the time listener, first time caller.
Speaker 3 (34:32):
How long you've been listening?
Speaker 2 (34:33):
About a year?
Speaker 3 (34:36):
How long did I make you wait until you could
listen to an episode?
Speaker 2 (34:40):
I don't know, but I definitely snuck a few in
before you told me that, Doctor Patrick, you didn't tell
me I couldn't specifically not listen. Maybe you did. I
did say that, but maybe I don't know.
Speaker 3 (34:50):
Before we missed.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
No, it was after, I mean think it was after
the first or second day. It was was. Yeah, I
listened to a couple.
Speaker 3 (34:58):
Which ones did you listen to?
Speaker 2 (35:00):
I mean the first one I listened to was like
a relationship one?
Speaker 5 (35:04):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (35:05):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (35:06):
Was it me by myself?
Speaker 2 (35:07):
I was just trying to get some kind of.
Speaker 3 (35:09):
Idea of what you know, was it bout myself?
Speaker 2 (35:12):
Yeah, there was a lot of personal stuff on there.
Speaker 3 (35:15):
Wait, which one was it it was? I mean I
did a Valentine's Day one and.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
Maybe that's what it was. It was relationships in general,
and like I remember talking about, like you know, looking
for like a soul mat or a perfect person is
like you take the things that like you find important
most important, and you like prioritize those over you know,
maybe you don't like this thing, you don't like that thing,
but like does that outweigh kind of like you know,
you're you're yeah, I think you were even saying, like
(35:41):
you write a list of like the things you find
important in like someone else and a potential partner, and
it's like, well then you cross some of those off
and you get down to like what are the most two,
three or four maybe, and then you're like, you know,
as long as they have these, I can live without
these being perfect.
Speaker 3 (35:56):
So you guys see that secrets come out when you
have a mic in front of you. Is there anything
else you would like to tell me?
Speaker 2 (36:02):
I don't think I ever lied about about actually listening
when you said not to.
Speaker 3 (36:06):
But I've probably just skirted around that. Well, I'm not
upset with you in case you're wondering, And thank you
for being here. Now that he has done this and
he knows what it's like, you guys should just expect
him to be a regular guest.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Sounds good.
Speaker 3 (36:22):
Okay, wow, you heard it here first. Okay. So while
I see how this story these stories could are entertaining
and I could just make a podcast about telling these
(36:44):
funny stories, that's not the sole reason that I really
am sharing this stuff. The reason I'm telling you, guys
all of this is because I'm sure that most of
you listening are still listening now because I've been rambling
about these stories for a while, because you have a
story or like this as well. You have a memory
of a time when you just broke down over something
(37:06):
similar in the fact that it was so small and
you knew you were being irrational, but you just could
not not be irrational in the moment. And again, what
I think is so interesting about these experiences and the
experience that I had personally, is just that I knew
I was being irrational in the moment, but I could
not stop myself, or I chose not to stop myself. Really,
(37:26):
I wanted so badly to not be bothered by these
things and to be happy and just to go with
a flow, but I could not force myself to do it,
and I do find myself a go with a flow
kind of person in a lot of situations. But I
was just so full of negative energy and I struggled
to actually tune in in the moment. Weirdly enough, I
(37:47):
was planning to sit down and record this episode. I
was procrastinating with some good old fashion scrolling on Instagram
and I stumbled upon this quote that was posted by
Mike Foster, who is somebody I really like to follow.
He is a therapist as well. He used to have
apop cast called Fun Therapy. You can still go listen
to those episodes. Also side note, last week I got
a follow from a Mike Foster two thousand. His Instagram
(38:09):
handle is at Mike Foster two thousand and I got
a follow from him and I was like, what, this
is so cool. I didn't know this person knew I existed,
and so I followed him back and I was so
excited and I showed Patrick later. I was like, you're
not gonna care about this, but look who followed me
on Instagram? Maybe I could get him on the podcast.
And I clicked on his profile and I was like, wait,
somebody is not right because I had to follow him back,
(38:32):
and I was like, I know, I follow him, This
is so weird. Why would I unfollow him? And then
I quickly realized that it was a fake account and
he didn't really follow me. It was a scam, So
that was upsetting. But Mike Foster, if you're out there
and you want to follow me, I already follow you.
I would love it. Also loved to have you on
the podcast. But anyway, so I was sitting down and
I was getting ready to record this. I was scrolling
and I saw a quote that he posted, and the
(38:54):
quote he posted was my most frequent complaint toward my partner,
A loved one, revealed my greatest emotional need, not their
greatest flaw. And then in his caption, he wrote this, Lately,
I've been trying to tune in more to my reactions
to others, especially when these reactions are filled with frustration, criticism,
(39:14):
or anger. I'm getting more curious about why I'm so
bothered by something someone said or did. Sometimes it's people
I know, and sometimes it's people I don't, but either way,
something gets stirred up inside of me. What has been
so fascinating is to see how little it has to
do with them and more to do with me. These
negative reactions to people are giving me an opportunity to
(39:36):
empower some healthy self reflection. It shows me how much
work I still have to do and the things inside
of me that still need to be healed. I've been
using this question a lot. I wonder what's going on there?
This little question is a great tool to help me
excavate and process unhealed parts inside of me. And whether
it's my negative reaction to what my wife did or
(39:58):
a complete stranger, this is an opportunity for me to
explore something broken in me. Okay, So I love that,
and I think it's so crazy that I read that
literally as I was about to sit down and talk
about this with you guys today. And I love the
question I wonder what's going on there? If I were
to ask that question within each of my breakdown experiences,
(40:20):
I bet I would find a lot out about what
was happening inside of me rather than being angry about
something that somebody else did that was wrong. And remember,
using words like wonder and curious are super helpful tools
to help shift from a judgmental space to a space
that is open for understanding and discovery, So I wonder
(40:41):
what was going on there. I've been sitting down this
morning and ask for myself, like I wonder what was
going on there? I will say there's more for me
to process and for me to uncover and talk about
with my own therapists in this situation. But what I
do know is that I lost control of the experiences
that I wanted to have in all of those situations.
With the pajamas, I imagined as sarting this new tradition
(41:01):
for ourselves that my mom started when I was a kid.
And this was actually the first Christmas that I was
ever going to spend with a serious significant other, and
I had some exciting expectations for what I wanted to
be like. And yes, Patrick told me he liked the pajamas,
but he told me he liked the pajamas despite the
fact they weren't Christmas pajamas. And that's not the experience
(41:22):
I wanted to have. I wanted to have an experience
of starting this tradition of Christmas pajamas, and I did
not receive that experience that I had set up in
my head. And with the bagel, I was so excited
to go out and get some of our favorite things
and then sit down and have a perfect first morning
of the year. And the mornings are my favorite time
of the day, like I said, especially on the weekend,
(41:42):
when we get to decide exactly how we want them
to go. And I was already frustrated because I had
spent so much time driving, which is why I included
the times of driving, and I was worried about losing
more time, losing more part of the morning that I
wanted to be spending doing something other than driving around
Fine in a bagel. And then when I got home
and realized that I lost my favorite part of the
(42:03):
day and I didn't even get the bagel, I felt
like I was robbed of an experience that I wanted
to have. I felt cheated, and what I probably wanted
in that moment was somebody to fix it, somebody to
make it better. And Patrick even asked if he wanted
me to fix it, and I said no, because him
fixing my current issue would then take away again from
(42:25):
the experience that I wanted to have, which I wanted
to go do something nice for him and then have
this moment. Patrick wasn't doing anything wrong technically. The second
bagel shop did something wrong, But on any average day,
I don't I think that would be annoying, but I
would not get tears in my eyes and cry over it.
And really, at the end of the situation, I was
(42:45):
unable to ask for what I wanted, and then I
was unable to get exactly what I wanted, and I
could not accept anything other than what I had envisioned
in my head. I was stuck on trying to control
the experience that I wanted versus finding value and experience
I was having. Now, this is where I wish I
was able to ask myself the question that Donald Miller
(43:06):
taught us on Amy's podcast for Things that they may
brown when we got to interview Donald Miller. Great episode
if you haven't listened to that one yet, but he
taught us to ask questions that include, what does this
make possible when things don't go our way? To get
us out of this victim mindset, because oh my god,
I was a victim of freaking bagel bait and this
(43:28):
would have made a lot of things possible, and eventually
it did. It did make a lot of things possible.
A friend of mine was able to show up, and
I want to say help me in the time of
need by getting getting me a bagel. But that seems
so dramatic. But a friend of mine was able to
show up and do something nice for me. We could
have had a different experience that morning. Maybe I could
have made something for breakfast. Maybe I mean, right now,
(43:51):
it's not really worth going through what that could have
made possible. But I want next time to be able
to ask, what does this make possible? So I'm not
getting an experience that I wanted, but what experience is
are still available to me even if they weren't the
ones that I initially chose. And when we have emotional
breakdowns over small things that logically we know aren't that
big of a deal, it can be due to a
(44:11):
lot of reasons. I don't want ever to pigeonhole you
guys into that if this happens, that must mean that
this is going on, because again, this can be due
to a lot of different reasons that are include but
are not limited to harboring resentment. Sometimes we have these
experiences because we're holding in thoughts and feelings that we're
scared to share. Maybe sometimes we're triggering past trauma. Sometimes
(44:34):
we have a lack of sleep or nutrition, which results
in a lack of cognitive function, and our logic brain
is in workinness as well as we'd like it to.
And so I share all of this and I tell
you the story, and I talk through this with you guys.
Because I know that a lot of you have these experiences.
I want to encourage us all to ask that simple question,
(44:55):
what is going on here? I wonder what is going
on here? Versus this is what you're doing. And if
you just did this, I would be fine. If they
just did that, I would be fine. It allows us
a space to break free from a little maybe unconscious
codependency where I'm okay if you're okay, or if that's okay,
I'm okay. I can still be okay when the world
(45:16):
is not going as I planned. But in order to
find that space, a lot of times we need to
ask the question, I wonder what is going on here?
So we can kind of work ourselves back from that.
So I love being able to look back and laugh
at these situations, and I think that's important. I think
we need to find humor in some of these things,
and it's a healing agent. And at the same time,
(45:37):
it's also important to learn from these things, because if
I don't, if I don't pay attention to these types
of situations, I miss an opportunity to learn about myself.
I miss an opportunity to learn about the world. And
I set myself up to allow this to happen over
and over and over and over again. And so, like
I said, I still have some more digging to do
about these situations, and they're still learning to be done here,
(46:00):
but I also already am in a space where I
can set myself up better next time. The next time
I'm putting pressure on myself or the people around me
to have a certain experience, I can remind myself that
a lot of things can happen. I can have a
lot of different versions of an experience, and all those
versions can be good, even if they're not the versions
that I had imagined in my head, And unmet expectations
(46:23):
don't necessarily mean you will be having a bad time.
And another thing I'm taking from this is it's okay
to ask for what you want even if it throws
your plan off, which I think might be a tough
one for me, but I'm gonna practice it. What I
think is really cool and helpful again for me to
accept this understanding that just because the experience isn't what
I imagined, it can still be good. What I think
(46:45):
is really cool is that my brain is a lot
smaller than the world. Right. There are so many things
that my brain cannot imagine or come up with or
think of those aren't in there yet, and so just
because it's not the thing that's in my brain, it
doesn't mean it's not even gonna be better, you know,
or eventually be better. So that's pretty helpful for me
when it comes to that stuff, and maybe it can
(47:05):
be helpful for you as well. But I hope that
what you have gained from listening to this episode is
some laughter and entertainment and also an opportunity for you
to spend a little more time digging in and wondering
what's going on with you as well, rather than blaming
the world for our bad attitudes and our misfortune. Because again,
(47:27):
I want to read that quote from Mike Foster because
it was so freaking good. And this quote isn't from him,
he says unknown after the quote, just so you know,
but the caption that I read was from him. The
quote is my most frequent complaint towards my partner or
loved one, reveals my greatest emotional need, not their greatest flaw,
bringing it back to us. Healthy communication, healthy discovery, all
(47:50):
of that. So, I hope you guys are having the
day you need to have. I hope you are getting
the bagel order that you need to get. And the
truth is that might not be the one that you ordered.
Speaker 2 (48:07):
H
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
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Amy Brown
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