April 3, 2025 • 17 mins
Amy and Kat respond to a heartfelt message from a listener who’s re-entering the dating world after a stage 4 metastatic breast cancer diagnosis. She asks a vulnerable and powerful question: “At what point do I tell someone I have breast cancer?”
They offer encouragement to anyone navigating dating with a complicated backstory. Whether you're dealing with illness, grief, or another personal challenge, this conversation reminds us that we’re all worthy of love—and that vulnerability can be a bridge, not a burden.
Email: heythere@feelingthingspodcast.com
HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Kat Van Buren // @KatVanburen
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Good.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
All right, break it down. If you ever have feelings
that you just wons maymy and Cat gotcha covin locking
a brother, Ladies and folks, do you just follow an
the spirit where it's all the phone over real stuff
to the chill stuff and the m but Swayne, sometimes
the best thing you can do it just stop you
(00:25):
feel things. This is Feeling Things.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
With Amy and Kat Happy Thursday. Welcome to Couch Talks,
the bonus episodes of the Feeling Things podcast. I'm Amy
and I'm Kat beautiful.
Speaker 4 (00:36):
Thank you Oco.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
This is the episode where we go into our Feeling
Things podcast email, which you can email us the addresses
Hey there at Feeling Things podcast dot com and you
can send us your thoughts, questions, things, whatever, And we're
gonna bring it up couch Talks and I have a
really good email from a listener. And here's where we're
gonna need y'all's advice on maybe how to handle this.
(01:00):
If you are okay with us saying your name, how
about when you sign the email next to your name,
say I'm cool with you saying my name, or you
can say can you keep this anonymous? Because my friends
listen and I don't want them to know that I
just ask y'all for advice on how to deal with
them something like that.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
And if you want us to not share some of
the details, you can put in there, like don't share.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
This part, right, but it might be helpful for us
to know that part. That's a lot of work on
y'all's in, but it's just helpful. So that way, we're
not having a type back and forth with y'all, because
that's what I would do on four things. When people
would email, I would send them an email hoping they
would reply within the next five minutes because I really
wanted to record, and then I maybe wouldn't hear from
them for two days, and then it was this whole thing.
So we'll just go ahead and lay that out there,
(01:41):
if y'all could just let us know in advance. So
in this case, this listener did not know that, so
we will not say her name. But if you know her,
these are very personal details, you'll probably figure it out anyway,
and we can say where she's from, right, she's listening
in Maryland, and it's a she. She identifies us as she.
I think me and Kat congrats on the new journey,
(02:02):
look forward to the new podcast format, and I'm excited
that Kat has become your full time host. This question
probably leans a little bit more towards Kat, but I
think you will have some good insight as well. Amy.
My life has been a crazy journey the past thirteen months,
with the most significant part being that I was diagnosed
with metastatic breast cancer this past September fourth. That's the
(02:24):
whole story in itself. But my treatment is going very
well and I plan to be around for a long time.
The reason for my email is that I will be
moving to Tennessee this summer and I'm finally ready to
jump back into the dating game. I've been on a
dating hiatus for about nine months. I was wondering, at
what point should I tell guys I have breast cancer.
(02:47):
I'm going to ansert this isn't the email here, it's me.
Some people listening right now are like, Oh, I don't
know how I'll really relate to this, But I think
it's based on what Kat's answer is going to because
she's the therapist. I mean, I'll have been because I've dated,
and there's certain things that I knew I wanted to
put in my profile because I just wanted that to
be known because I had a dating profile, or if
(03:07):
I was being set up with someone, Hey, hey make
sure they know that I'm divorced with two kids. You know,
like that's something people may not want to say right
away because it's like, oh, maybe if they like me
first and then they find out I come with a
fourteen year old and a seventeen year old, they'll be
fine and an next husband. Yeah, and I'm pregnant. You know,
(03:29):
I'm not really, But at what point do you say this?
I feel like I was watching an old Obviously it's
old because it's Sex in the City, but there was
an episode that looped recently because I just kind of
have it up on Netflix and I just have it
going in the background where one of them is pregnant,
the redhead. Why can't I think of her name right now?
But the character? Did you watch Sex and THO what
Samantha Charlotte Miranda shout out Shannon. We just yelled Miranda
(03:54):
from Bad Yes, Miranda is pregnant and she's going out
with something and she's like, at what point do I
tell it that I'm pregnant with somebody else's baby? Obviously,
So back to the email. I think we can all
be in circumstances where we need to know at what
point in this relationship do I share X Y Z.
(04:15):
And it may be a little different, but in this case,
this is breast cancer. Well, I would love not to
use the apps. I'm sure I will. Which side note
Kat and I would say, use the apps? Kat found
her husband shout out hinge, let's go. And I had
a great time on Hinge too. That's not how I
(04:35):
met my current boyfriend, but he was on Hinge, so
we both would have found each other on there, but
it had a mutual.
Speaker 4 (04:42):
Let's be clear. I didn't have a great time on Hinge.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
I did find my husband on Hinge, but there were
some dark times and some light times.
Speaker 4 (04:49):
A next bag.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
I know I was sort of being a little facetious.
Good word, I like it. Okay, back to the email, Well,
I would love to not use the app. I'm sure
that I will. Would I put this in my profile,
announce it on a first date, tell a guy once
we have exchanged numbers. I've always believed in being very open,
honest and upfront with anyone I've dated, but this is
(05:12):
a new twist that I never thought i'd have to navigate.
I would love to hear your guidance, suggestions, and feelings.
She put that in all caps on this subject, you
too inspire me and give me hope that perhaps the
dating apps aren't all trash. Thanks and hugs you both
from Marylyn.
Speaker 4 (05:33):
I was like, wait, what are you doing?
Speaker 3 (05:36):
He asked, No, anyone hiring This job search is draining me.
So who knows, maybe one of our listeners won't be hiring.
I don't know skill set, but she seems considerate because
she wants to know at what point she should share
this information on a date. So I don't have a
blanket answer, right, nor should you, because everything there's a nuance,
(05:58):
there's Yeah, there's so many ways to handle this. The
first thing that I thought when I heard this is
what scares you or what would.
Speaker 4 (06:05):
Keep you from putting this on your profile?
Speaker 1 (06:07):
What would keep you from sharing this because this is
a huge part of your life.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
Yes, Amy, I'm raising my hand. I would think that
potentially it's like, hey, this is just me guessing, having
walked through cancer with my mom and my dad, that
somehow now you are broken or there's this fear of
that something is wrong, or that maybe you like if
someone were to open up and get vulnerable and fall
(06:32):
in love with you, there's this fear of like, oh, whoa,
you have this, and I don't want to go through
that pain of having to lose you. It's usually because
of this quote unquote brokenness, which you're not broken. I'm
guessing what you might be feeling the fear around sharing
that right away, as someone might see you as either
a burden or a fear within themselves that they won't
(06:54):
have you for as long as they want you.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Yeah, okay, so that could be one thing that kept
you from doing that. I also would add in there,
and again, there's so much nuance in this. So I
don't want anybody to listen to this and think that
this is what I should do or this is what
I shouldn't do. I'm a big fan of allowing people
to have the opportunity to support you, and sometimes when
(07:19):
we hide certain things about us, we are stealing that
opportunity from the people that would want to be there
for us.
Speaker 4 (07:26):
So I would just be mindful of that.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Of am I keeping myself from having an opportunity for
somebody to support me and to love.
Speaker 4 (07:34):
All the parts of me? And I also can see
that you might.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Want to feel just like you're a normal person dating,
and so I can get why you would want to
go on a date and not share that. I'm not
a fan of people trauma dumping on first dates or
even like the pre first date, and so.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
Define trauma dumping.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
So intimacy is built through time, not just information. So
a lot of times when we're talking on a first date,
I've been on plenty of first dates where somebody who
tells me literally from the moment they're born to where
they are right now, how they got there, and by
the time they're done talking, I'm exhausted and I'm like,
(08:24):
I didn't even ask you any questions.
Speaker 4 (08:27):
And so that's one.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
Way for people to feel close to people is I'm
going to give you this information. But we have to
build trust in a relationship and health in a relationship.
You need time in there. So trauma dumping is a
way for us to trauma bond where we feel really connected,
but really we're just like, oh, we share these traumatic
stories with each other, so we kind of manufacture intimacy,
(08:48):
and then you end up either staying with these people
or feeling like you know these people better than you
really do. So me just knowing stuff about you doesn't
mean I really know you right, So again, not a
right or wrong answer. I think it more as well,
how do you want to show up on the date?
Are you going to want to be able to tell
stories about some of the things that have been happening recently?
Do you want to feel free in that if you
(09:09):
are currently going through which I couldn't.
Speaker 4 (09:12):
I couldn't tell.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
I mean, I think she's potentially wrapping up treatment as
a vibe that I got, and I love that she
put in the email. I love that attitude of to
be around for a very long time.
Speaker 4 (09:23):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
So I think either way your dating profile, I don't
think you should or shouldn't maybe try it out both ways.
Speaker 3 (09:34):
If I were a man, I don't think I would
be turned off by the fact that someone facing that
in their life.
Speaker 4 (09:42):
People could though, I think that's the other part.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
But people could be It could be a breast cancer,
it could be your.
Speaker 4 (09:46):
Anything, it could be kids, it could be anything.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
That, yeah, you can't see, like Cat's legally blind kind
of I am, and my partner's legally blind to gosh,
at one date, at what date?
Speaker 1 (10:02):
I think that we were living together, and I'm like,
we have the same context. No matter what you show
up with, they are going to be people that don't
like you, and they're going to be people that do
like you. They're gonna be people that are like, oh,
that's not for me, and there are people that are
going to be like, oh, I want to know more
about this part of your story.
Speaker 4 (10:18):
And that is for literally anything.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
And so if what I believe is if we're creating
a dating profile and our goal is to like make
people attracted to a version that they want we want
them to see, we're going to end up putting ourselves
in a bad situation that we're probably going to be
in an unhealthy relationship or I feel like I can't
really be myself. But if we're really putting all like
(10:41):
who we are out there, we just have to know
they are going to be more people that don't like
this than people that do like this. That's the same
for everybody. More people are going to not be a
fit for you, and they're going to be a fit
for you. And I think personally, as I was dating,
once I realized that it kind of took the pressure
off of me and also boosted my confidence where I
(11:04):
could be like, well, this isn't about something there's something
wrong with me, this is we aren't compatible.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
So oh I love that. Yeah, and I think that
that's in dating or friendships, or if you don't get
that job that you want, you'd be like, oh, maybe
this has nothing to do with me. It's just not
a good fit, not compatible at this time.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
So you can kind of filter some of that information
through the things that are going on with you and
how you're approaching dating and ask yourself those questions, like,
am I worried about people not seeing me this way
that I want them to see me.
Speaker 3 (11:38):
I'm over here thinking about how on one of my
hinge dates, I definitely would you call it trauma adopt? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (11:45):
Did you do that?
Speaker 3 (11:45):
I trauma adopt on date one? Is that I already shared? Well, okay, no,
because well we maybe both I knew where he was
coming from because we had a mutual friend like we
had experienced similar traumas. So I think we talkedalked about
that on date one because we already knew and it's
sort of like the elephant in the room. Okay, but
(12:06):
I'm talking about a hinge date where I knew nothing
about this person and I just kind of unloaded. But
I think that was my social awkwardness or how I
was trying to like feel like I wasn't leaving space
for just pause. I was like, Okay, it's uncomfortable, so
speak And I think that sometimes it's okay to just
let there be space.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Yeah, And that actually speaks to again, no right or wrong.
So if you didn't want that to be on your
dating profile because you wanted your first date just to
be fun, I'm a huge fan of first dates just
being kind of surface level like fun. Sometimes you're led
naturally to more deeper topics and that's not good or bad.
I'm a fan of keeping it light.
Speaker 3 (12:44):
No, I overshared.
Speaker 4 (12:45):
It was bad.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
I'm going to go ahead and say it because it
was my situation. We'll call it bad. Like it was bad,
Like I was like, why did I just say all
of that? Now? I ended up dating him a lot.
It's the yah, yeah, it's you know, yeah, it's the
one guy. It's the guy before the boyfriend, and he
was great. Yeah, But I definitely what I remember driving
away because I took my own car and driving home
and be like why did I say all if that's
(13:07):
so stupid, what's wrong with me? I know we all
have encounters. Maybe you're meeting someone at a party, it's
not even a date, but you just overshare and you
say all this stuff, and you're like, why did I
Why did I just do that? I don't even know
that person, and I don't even know if they deserve
to know all of that about me yet, because what
if he were to go say X y Z, like,
why am I trusting this person from the internet just
(13:28):
because he has like nice guy vibes and he's got
kids so he's a nice dad, which he may be
an awful human that could have shared all my secrets
because I laid it all out there. Which didn't You
go on a date one time with some guy who
really went deep and was like talking about I mean,
I think it was date one. He was talking about
how he wanted to hurt himself or something. Yes, which
(13:51):
it could be like a cry for help, but that
just seemed like, Hi, that was not fun.
Speaker 4 (13:56):
That was not fun.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
That's like the opposite of fun.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
And I'm not saying there's an there's nothing wrong with him.
That just wasn't the vibe I was looking for. I
also think because I changed my job speaking to like
there's no right or wrong. I changed my job from
I did have therapist on there to like business owner
because I was tired of people. I think because I
am a therapist, it's easier for people to open up,
(14:19):
and I think people like some people like that, so
they were attracted to my job, and so I took
that off there and just said business owner. And Patrick,
my husband, didn't know what I did until I think
I halfway through our date. He didn't know anything about
the podcast, he didn't know anything about my therapy job, nothing,
and so that was very I think helpful. So if
(14:41):
she wants to have just a fun, light date, then
I think it's fair that like, oh, this is a part,
this is part of my story. I'm gonna wait. If
that's the reason that is so healthy and so fine.
If the reason is people won't love me or people
won't choose to stay with me, I think we kind
of want to read those people out.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
Yeah, then you should just go and get out there,
because then you create this false expectation of what like
there's nothing wrong with you, Like no, not at all.
This is a beautiful part of your story that somebody
is going to be the perfect fit for and supportive. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (15:13):
Cool, there, we're going to couch trauma arting.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
We're trying to, you know, keep the couch talks tight.
And I even said a timer, which we have twenty
three seconds.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Okay, we've never been good at a timer and ever
get us I know, should we sign off before the
buzzer goes off?
Speaker 3 (15:28):
Well, I sort of paus it so it wouldn't go off,
but I'll go ahead and press play and see how
long it takes us to like see if we can
sign off in a timery manner. So we want to
hear from you, hey there at Feeling Things podcast dot com.
Also subscribe, follow the podcast, write a review. If somehow
you stumbled upon this episode, go back and listen to
our episode from on Tuesday, those our very first Feeling
(15:50):
Things episode. This is formally four Things of Amy Brown.
By the way, I'm Amy. All those so close and
that's Kat and well Feeling Things podcast on Instagram, which
I meant to say this on Tuesday and I forgot.
But we do have a giveaway over there that we're
going to do in the stories. We haven't put it
up yet because we're letting like the followers build, but
(16:10):
we will be sharing a giveaway of the snail serum
that we're obsessed with. The stuff is great and we're
gonna do year supply, So you're supposed to do the
snail it's a it's a ten pack treatment and you're
supposed to do it quarterly, so like every three months,
so you would get a box for each quarter of
the year. So we're giving way a year's supply, which
(16:31):
is very kind and generous of Biopel and their snail
serum growth factor. And that's just a fun little thing
we're going to be doing in the Stories on Feeling
Things podcasts, So make sure you're following us on Instagram
as well. And I'm at Radio Me on Instagram and.
Speaker 4 (16:46):
At kat van Buren. I' musa say my old last name.
Speaker 3 (16:49):
She's married now I'm married. She was Defata but she
met her man on Hinge, so hmm hmm. Your man
is out there too, and I can't wait to hear
about how your dating goes. And that's another thing that
couch Chalk Shaw can send us updates if you want
we would like to hear. And then also what kind
of job you're looking for moving to Tennessee.
Speaker 4 (17:08):
We hope you have the day you need to have.
Bye to work on that Pontard
Good.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
All right, break it down. If you ever have feelings
that you just wons maymy and Cat gotcha covin locking
a brother, Ladies and folks, do you just follow an
the spirit where it's all the phone over real stuff
to the chill stuff and the m but Swayne, sometimes
the best thing you can do it just stop you
(00:25):
feel things. This is Feeling Things.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
With Amy and Kat Happy Thursday. Welcome to Couch Talks,
the bonus episodes of the Feeling Things podcast. I'm Amy
and I'm Kat beautiful.
Speaker 4 (00:36):
Thank you Oco.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
This is the episode where we go into our Feeling
Things podcast email, which you can email us the addresses
Hey there at Feeling Things podcast dot com and you
can send us your thoughts, questions, things, whatever, And we're
gonna bring it up couch Talks and I have a
really good email from a listener. And here's where we're
gonna need y'all's advice on maybe how to handle this.
(01:00):
If you are okay with us saying your name, how
about when you sign the email next to your name,
say I'm cool with you saying my name, or you
can say can you keep this anonymous? Because my friends
listen and I don't want them to know that I
just ask y'all for advice on how to deal with
them something like that.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
And if you want us to not share some of
the details, you can put in there, like don't share.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
This part, right, but it might be helpful for us
to know that part. That's a lot of work on
y'all's in, but it's just helpful. So that way, we're
not having a type back and forth with y'all, because
that's what I would do on four things. When people
would email, I would send them an email hoping they
would reply within the next five minutes because I really
wanted to record, and then I maybe wouldn't hear from
them for two days, and then it was this whole thing.
So we'll just go ahead and lay that out there,
(01:41):
if y'all could just let us know in advance. So
in this case, this listener did not know that, so
we will not say her name. But if you know her,
these are very personal details, you'll probably figure it out anyway,
and we can say where she's from, right, she's listening
in Maryland, and it's a she. She identifies us as she.
I think me and Kat congrats on the new journey,
(02:02):
look forward to the new podcast format, and I'm excited
that Kat has become your full time host. This question
probably leans a little bit more towards Kat, but I
think you will have some good insight as well. Amy.
My life has been a crazy journey the past thirteen months,
with the most significant part being that I was diagnosed
with metastatic breast cancer this past September fourth. That's the
(02:24):
whole story in itself. But my treatment is going very
well and I plan to be around for a long time.
The reason for my email is that I will be
moving to Tennessee this summer and I'm finally ready to
jump back into the dating game. I've been on a
dating hiatus for about nine months. I was wondering, at
what point should I tell guys I have breast cancer.
(02:47):
I'm going to ansert this isn't the email here, it's me.
Some people listening right now are like, Oh, I don't
know how I'll really relate to this, But I think
it's based on what Kat's answer is going to because
she's the therapist. I mean, I'll have been because I've dated,
and there's certain things that I knew I wanted to
put in my profile because I just wanted that to
be known because I had a dating profile, or if
(03:07):
I was being set up with someone, Hey, hey make
sure they know that I'm divorced with two kids. You know,
like that's something people may not want to say right
away because it's like, oh, maybe if they like me
first and then they find out I come with a
fourteen year old and a seventeen year old, they'll be
fine and an next husband. Yeah, and I'm pregnant. You know,
(03:29):
I'm not really, But at what point do you say this?
I feel like I was watching an old Obviously it's
old because it's Sex in the City, but there was
an episode that looped recently because I just kind of
have it up on Netflix and I just have it
going in the background where one of them is pregnant,
the redhead. Why can't I think of her name right now?
But the character? Did you watch Sex and THO what
Samantha Charlotte Miranda shout out Shannon. We just yelled Miranda
(03:54):
from Bad Yes, Miranda is pregnant and she's going out
with something and she's like, at what point do I
tell it that I'm pregnant with somebody else's baby? Obviously,
So back to the email. I think we can all
be in circumstances where we need to know at what
point in this relationship do I share X Y Z.
(04:15):
And it may be a little different, but in this case,
this is breast cancer. Well, I would love not to
use the apps. I'm sure I will. Which side note
Kat and I would say, use the apps? Kat found
her husband shout out hinge, let's go. And I had
a great time on Hinge too. That's not how I
(04:35):
met my current boyfriend, but he was on Hinge, so
we both would have found each other on there, but
it had a mutual.
Speaker 4 (04:42):
Let's be clear. I didn't have a great time on Hinge.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
I did find my husband on Hinge, but there were
some dark times and some light times.
Speaker 4 (04:49):
A next bag.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
I know I was sort of being a little facetious.
Good word, I like it. Okay, back to the email, Well,
I would love to not use the app. I'm sure
that I will. Would I put this in my profile,
announce it on a first date, tell a guy once
we have exchanged numbers. I've always believed in being very open,
honest and upfront with anyone I've dated, but this is
(05:12):
a new twist that I never thought i'd have to navigate.
I would love to hear your guidance, suggestions, and feelings.
She put that in all caps on this subject, you
too inspire me and give me hope that perhaps the
dating apps aren't all trash. Thanks and hugs you both
from Marylyn.
Speaker 4 (05:33):
I was like, wait, what are you doing?
Speaker 3 (05:36):
He asked, No, anyone hiring This job search is draining me.
So who knows, maybe one of our listeners won't be hiring.
I don't know skill set, but she seems considerate because
she wants to know at what point she should share
this information on a date. So I don't have a
blanket answer, right, nor should you, because everything there's a nuance,
(05:58):
there's Yeah, there's so many ways to handle this. The
first thing that I thought when I heard this is
what scares you or what would.
Speaker 4 (06:05):
Keep you from putting this on your profile?
Speaker 1 (06:07):
What would keep you from sharing this because this is
a huge part of your life.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
Yes, Amy, I'm raising my hand. I would think that
potentially it's like, hey, this is just me guessing, having
walked through cancer with my mom and my dad, that
somehow now you are broken or there's this fear of
that something is wrong, or that maybe you like if
someone were to open up and get vulnerable and fall
(06:32):
in love with you, there's this fear of like, oh, whoa,
you have this, and I don't want to go through
that pain of having to lose you. It's usually because
of this quote unquote brokenness, which you're not broken. I'm
guessing what you might be feeling the fear around sharing
that right away, as someone might see you as either
a burden or a fear within themselves that they won't
(06:54):
have you for as long as they want you.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Yeah, okay, so that could be one thing that kept
you from doing that. I also would add in there,
and again, there's so much nuance in this. So I
don't want anybody to listen to this and think that
this is what I should do or this is what
I shouldn't do. I'm a big fan of allowing people
to have the opportunity to support you, and sometimes when
(07:19):
we hide certain things about us, we are stealing that
opportunity from the people that would want to be there
for us.
Speaker 4 (07:26):
So I would just be mindful of that.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Of am I keeping myself from having an opportunity for
somebody to support me and to love.
Speaker 4 (07:34):
All the parts of me? And I also can see
that you might.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Want to feel just like you're a normal person dating,
and so I can get why you would want to
go on a date and not share that. I'm not
a fan of people trauma dumping on first dates or
even like the pre first date, and so.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
Define trauma dumping.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
So intimacy is built through time, not just information. So
a lot of times when we're talking on a first date,
I've been on plenty of first dates where somebody who
tells me literally from the moment they're born to where
they are right now, how they got there, and by
the time they're done talking, I'm exhausted and I'm like,
(08:24):
I didn't even ask you any questions.
Speaker 4 (08:27):
And so that's one.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
Way for people to feel close to people is I'm
going to give you this information. But we have to
build trust in a relationship and health in a relationship.
You need time in there. So trauma dumping is a
way for us to trauma bond where we feel really connected,
but really we're just like, oh, we share these traumatic
stories with each other, so we kind of manufacture intimacy,
(08:48):
and then you end up either staying with these people
or feeling like you know these people better than you
really do. So me just knowing stuff about you doesn't
mean I really know you right, So again, not a
right or wrong answer. I think it more as well,
how do you want to show up on the date?
Are you going to want to be able to tell
stories about some of the things that have been happening recently?
Do you want to feel free in that if you
(09:09):
are currently going through which I couldn't.
Speaker 4 (09:12):
I couldn't tell.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
I mean, I think she's potentially wrapping up treatment as
a vibe that I got, and I love that she
put in the email. I love that attitude of to
be around for a very long time.
Speaker 4 (09:23):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
So I think either way your dating profile, I don't
think you should or shouldn't maybe try it out both ways.
Speaker 3 (09:34):
If I were a man, I don't think I would
be turned off by the fact that someone facing that
in their life.
Speaker 4 (09:42):
People could though, I think that's the other part.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
But people could be It could be a breast cancer,
it could be your.
Speaker 4 (09:46):
Anything, it could be kids, it could be anything.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
That, yeah, you can't see, like Cat's legally blind kind
of I am, and my partner's legally blind to gosh,
at one date, at what date?
Speaker 1 (10:02):
I think that we were living together, and I'm like,
we have the same context. No matter what you show
up with, they are going to be people that don't
like you, and they're going to be people that do
like you. They're gonna be people that are like, oh,
that's not for me, and there are people that are
going to be like, oh, I want to know more
about this part of your story.
Speaker 4 (10:18):
And that is for literally anything.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
And so if what I believe is if we're creating
a dating profile and our goal is to like make
people attracted to a version that they want we want
them to see, we're going to end up putting ourselves
in a bad situation that we're probably going to be
in an unhealthy relationship or I feel like I can't
really be myself. But if we're really putting all like
(10:41):
who we are out there, we just have to know
they are going to be more people that don't like
this than people that do like this. That's the same
for everybody. More people are going to not be a
fit for you, and they're going to be a fit
for you. And I think personally, as I was dating,
once I realized that it kind of took the pressure
off of me and also boosted my confidence where I
(11:04):
could be like, well, this isn't about something there's something
wrong with me, this is we aren't compatible.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
So oh I love that. Yeah, and I think that
that's in dating or friendships, or if you don't get
that job that you want, you'd be like, oh, maybe
this has nothing to do with me. It's just not
a good fit, not compatible at this time.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
So you can kind of filter some of that information
through the things that are going on with you and
how you're approaching dating and ask yourself those questions, like,
am I worried about people not seeing me this way
that I want them to see me.
Speaker 3 (11:38):
I'm over here thinking about how on one of my
hinge dates, I definitely would you call it trauma adopt? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (11:45):
Did you do that?
Speaker 3 (11:45):
I trauma adopt on date one? Is that I already shared? Well, okay, no,
because well we maybe both I knew where he was
coming from because we had a mutual friend like we
had experienced similar traumas. So I think we talkedalked about
that on date one because we already knew and it's
sort of like the elephant in the room. Okay, but
(12:06):
I'm talking about a hinge date where I knew nothing
about this person and I just kind of unloaded. But
I think that was my social awkwardness or how I
was trying to like feel like I wasn't leaving space
for just pause. I was like, Okay, it's uncomfortable, so
speak And I think that sometimes it's okay to just
let there be space.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Yeah, And that actually speaks to again, no right or wrong.
So if you didn't want that to be on your
dating profile because you wanted your first date just to
be fun, I'm a huge fan of first dates just
being kind of surface level like fun. Sometimes you're led
naturally to more deeper topics and that's not good or bad.
I'm a fan of keeping it light.
Speaker 3 (12:44):
No, I overshared.
Speaker 4 (12:45):
It was bad.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
I'm going to go ahead and say it because it
was my situation. We'll call it bad. Like it was bad,
Like I was like, why did I just say all
of that? Now? I ended up dating him a lot.
It's the yah, yeah, it's you know, yeah, it's the
one guy. It's the guy before the boyfriend, and he
was great. Yeah, But I definitely what I remember driving
away because I took my own car and driving home
and be like why did I say all if that's
(13:07):
so stupid, what's wrong with me? I know we all
have encounters. Maybe you're meeting someone at a party, it's
not even a date, but you just overshare and you
say all this stuff, and you're like, why did I
Why did I just do that? I don't even know
that person, and I don't even know if they deserve
to know all of that about me yet, because what
if he were to go say X y Z, like,
why am I trusting this person from the internet just
(13:28):
because he has like nice guy vibes and he's got
kids so he's a nice dad, which he may be
an awful human that could have shared all my secrets
because I laid it all out there. Which didn't You
go on a date one time with some guy who
really went deep and was like talking about I mean,
I think it was date one. He was talking about
how he wanted to hurt himself or something. Yes, which
(13:51):
it could be like a cry for help, but that
just seemed like, Hi, that was not fun.
Speaker 4 (13:56):
That was not fun.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
That's like the opposite of fun.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
And I'm not saying there's an there's nothing wrong with him.
That just wasn't the vibe I was looking for. I
also think because I changed my job speaking to like
there's no right or wrong. I changed my job from
I did have therapist on there to like business owner
because I was tired of people. I think because I
am a therapist, it's easier for people to open up,
(14:19):
and I think people like some people like that, so
they were attracted to my job, and so I took
that off there and just said business owner. And Patrick,
my husband, didn't know what I did until I think
I halfway through our date. He didn't know anything about
the podcast, he didn't know anything about my therapy job, nothing,
and so that was very I think helpful. So if
(14:41):
she wants to have just a fun, light date, then
I think it's fair that like, oh, this is a part,
this is part of my story. I'm gonna wait. If
that's the reason that is so healthy and so fine.
If the reason is people won't love me or people
won't choose to stay with me, I think we kind
of want to read those people out.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
Yeah, then you should just go and get out there,
because then you create this false expectation of what like
there's nothing wrong with you, Like no, not at all.
This is a beautiful part of your story that somebody
is going to be the perfect fit for and supportive. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (15:13):
Cool, there, we're going to couch trauma arting.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
We're trying to, you know, keep the couch talks tight.
And I even said a timer, which we have twenty
three seconds.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Okay, we've never been good at a timer and ever
get us I know, should we sign off before the
buzzer goes off?
Speaker 3 (15:28):
Well, I sort of paus it so it wouldn't go off,
but I'll go ahead and press play and see how
long it takes us to like see if we can
sign off in a timery manner. So we want to
hear from you, hey there at Feeling Things podcast dot com.
Also subscribe, follow the podcast, write a review. If somehow
you stumbled upon this episode, go back and listen to
our episode from on Tuesday, those our very first Feeling
(15:50):
Things episode. This is formally four Things of Amy Brown.
By the way, I'm Amy. All those so close and
that's Kat and well Feeling Things podcast on Instagram, which
I meant to say this on Tuesday and I forgot.
But we do have a giveaway over there that we're
going to do in the stories. We haven't put it
up yet because we're letting like the followers build, but
(16:10):
we will be sharing a giveaway of the snail serum
that we're obsessed with. The stuff is great and we're
gonna do year supply, So you're supposed to do the
snail it's a it's a ten pack treatment and you're
supposed to do it quarterly, so like every three months,
so you would get a box for each quarter of
the year. So we're giving way a year's supply, which
(16:31):
is very kind and generous of Biopel and their snail
serum growth factor. And that's just a fun little thing
we're going to be doing in the Stories on Feeling
Things podcasts, So make sure you're following us on Instagram
as well. And I'm at Radio Me on Instagram and.
Speaker 4 (16:46):
At kat van Buren. I' musa say my old last name.
Speaker 3 (16:49):
She's married now I'm married. She was Defata but she
met her man on Hinge, so hmm hmm. Your man
is out there too, and I can't wait to hear
about how your dating goes. And that's another thing that
couch Chalk Shaw can send us updates if you want
we would like to hear. And then also what kind
of job you're looking for moving to Tennessee.
Speaker 4 (17:08):
We hope you have the day you need to have.
Bye to work on that Pontard
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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